We need advice about having sex in the woods.

August 22, 2006 2:06 PM

What do we need to know before trying to have sex in the woods?

We are planning on taking a series of two and three day hikes for our honeymoon in September. We are looking at parks around the Vancouver/Seattle area, but have not chosen routes yet. We are both experienced hikers, but neither of us has a lot of experience within the United States or Canada. In addition, neither of us have had outdoor nookie before. Is there anything we could do to make the experience more comfortable? Safe? Is it a bad idea to seek a little privacy and camp a short distance off of the path and away from crowded campgrounds? We will have a two person tent, sleeping bags, a bit of mosquito netting, bug spray...and many little towels. Is there anything else that is absolutely necessary? Do you know any games or activities we could try?

I’m a little worried that we will be breaking some sort of outdoor sex law. Other than keeping quiet and avoiding families is there anything else we can do? Should we chuck the whole thing and spend our honeymoon indoors?

Also, please let us know about any spectacular and/or non-crowded trails in the area.

posted by anonymous to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (30 answers total)

Avoid poison ivy. Seriously.
posted by amro at 2:14 PM on August 22, 2006

You can start by reading this thread.

I doubt any fines or jail time will ensue if a park ranger comes across you two; he'll most likely tell you to gather your things and move along. You're having sex in the woods, how much privacy do you want? Isn't part of the fun the possibility of being caught? Leave that possibility open.

Oh, and if you're in caribou country, maybe leave the musk cologne at home.
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 2:15 PM on August 22, 2006

How about a nice B&B or something similar in the hiking region. That way you can do some hiking but have someplace nice to come home to at night for your nookie.

I know that there are plenty of options like this in the Adirondacks (NY) and the White Mountians (NH). Surely there's something like that it your area.

Skip the tent and bug juice etc. Yikes. That doesn't sound like a very appealing way to spend a honeymoon.
posted by bim at 2:16 PM on August 22, 2006

Actually, you can spend a very comfortable and sexy weekend in a tent, especially if you've got a little camping experience. Depending on how hardcore you are about pack weight, though, you'll probably miss out on some of the nicer luxuries (a queen-sized air mattress, f'rinstance).

You might want to look into a two-person sleeping bag though. Seriously, sleeping in separate bags is like sleeping in separate beds, and it's your honeymoon for chrissakes. At least make sure your separate bags have compatible zippers and can be joined together. (Actually, this is better for warmth too, not just for your sex life. Why waste all that body heat?)

As for the sex itself... well, so long as you're in a tent, it's not much different from sex in a thin-walled apartment. No operatic moaning or banging around unless you're in a secluded site, but a little whispering and rustling late at night shouldn't offend anyone.

The most common mistake is leaving a flashlight or lantern on in the tent. Please, please do not provide your neighbors with an X-rated shadow puppet show.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:23 PM on August 22, 2006 [2 favorites]

In my experience, there's not a lot to worry about. Find a nice level spot a fair distance off any obvious hiking trails. Look for a place where you are more likely to spot hikers than they are to spot you. A location on higher ground than the trail, and with a little bit of cover does the trick. Make sure you're not in the middle of poison ivy or poison oak. Spread your blanket and get your swerve on.
posted by browse at 2:32 PM on August 22, 2006

Don't forget your moist towelettes.
posted by maxpower at 2:32 PM on August 22, 2006

Mosquito repellent. Seriously. Back in my army days, the only time I ever went on sick call was when I managed to get mosquito bites over every inch of my body. And I do mean *every* *inch*. It was my first and last foray into nookie in the woods.
posted by Lokheed at 2:40 PM on August 22, 2006

Get sleeping bags that zip together. The moist towelettes thing is a good idea if you're going to be out for a couple of days. After a full days hike, you'll probably want to "freshen up". If you're really hiking you shouldn't have a problem finding a private place to yourselves. Car camping can be more of an issue.
posted by trbrts at 2:45 PM on August 22, 2006

Don't do like the couple I camped near once and argue about who came first. LOUDLY. Those tent walls ain't too thick.
posted by GuyZero at 2:51 PM on August 22, 2006

Actually, crowded car camping destinations would be perfect if you are worried about getting caught. With all the screaming kids and drunks partying around the campfire, you and the Mrs. could have screaming monkey sex and nobody will hear a thing.
posted by COD at 2:55 PM on August 22, 2006

The short kind of pine needles can be very uncomfortable if they work their way ... um, into crevices.

This wisdom gained not via outdoor nookie, but under-the-christmas-tree nookie.
posted by timepiece at 3:15 PM on August 22, 2006

Also, your location is likely to be a good place to find some inspirational materials.
posted by dersins at 3:24 PM on August 22, 2006

Camping sex is awesome. The small space inside the tent, the need to be (mostly) quiet, and the complete darkness make for a very intimate, hyper-aware sexual experience. If it's dark and you've got a screen of trees between you and the next site, sex on a picnic blanket in front of the embers of your fire is romantic and sexy. Cool outdoor air on your naked selves is a refreshing and unfamiliar feeling.
posted by yogurtisgenocide at 3:30 PM on August 22, 2006

Fireside, a fuzzy blanket, couple of towels, and citronella candles.
posted by adipocere at 4:28 PM on August 22, 2006

Do *** NOT *** get DEET based repellant on your genitals.

Yeeeeow!
posted by tomble at 4:36 PM on August 22, 2006

A "two person tent" is a two person tent for dwarves. If you don't actually have the tent yet, think about going for a 3, or even 4 person tent: you'll actually have room in the tent for your stuff, and, um....range of movement.
posted by lazy robot at 4:46 PM on August 22, 2006

(unless you are actually dwarves, in which case, discard my last comment)
posted by lazy robot at 4:49 PM on August 22, 2006

PLEASE don't have loud sex in front of your campfire in Glacier National Park, like that couple that kept me awake back in '98 (you kids get off my damn lawn!). And watch out for poson ivy - I had some friends that snuck out of Disney World during a church trip that wound up with an itchy rash on some impossible-to-explain parts of their bodies.
That said, sex outside can be fun. Depending on the temperature and the sleeping bag material, though, it can be rather...sticky. I'd recommend doggy-style or face-to-face standing up, perhaps against a tree (as noted above, watch out for poison ivy).

Legally, I'd be surprised if you *weren't* breaking some public nudity laws, but just be prudent. I've gotten caught having sex in a public park before, but all the cop did was make sure we were both over eighteen and saw us back to our car.
posted by notsnot at 4:54 PM on August 22, 2006

I don't think you'll have to worry about it in Vancouver, but in the southern U.S., beware of fireants and chiggers (red bugs for non-Texans). Oh my sweet lord, the chiggers...
posted by CRS at 4:57 PM on August 22, 2006

bim writes "Skip the tent and bug juice etc. Yikes. That doesn't sound like a very appealing way to spend a honeymoon."

It is what we did and it was perfect, YMMV.

Besides your sleeping bags, a flat sheet for each night that you can change out makes things a lot less clammy. You don't have to bring all of them on a two day hike, just one with the rest left in your car.

Bring two blankets for trailside sex, one to lay on and one to cover up with. Even the sheet from above is better than nothing as a cover. I'll also second applying deet but not to sensitive bits. And not to your hands or neck/face, DEET tastes horrible!

During the day make sure to apply sunscreen to normally covered parts if in direct sun for any length of time.

If you aren't glowingly pasty white darkness is almost as good as a blanket for coverage. Bring a flashlight if you're out after dark. Black bears (which there are plenty of in BC) can sneak up on you after dark if you're laying quietly away from the beaten path. For the most part they'll run away but it makes for an adrenline filled search for clothes in the dark. Pile all your clothes on one neat pile that can be easily located and/or scooped up.

Condoms can make clean up easier and prevent leaking while hiking back.
posted by Mitheral at 5:26 PM on August 22, 2006

This isn't exactly what the poster is asking about, but as a general tip if you're sneaking off for a quickie in the woods (or anywhere you risk getting caught), keep one leg in your pants and underwear. Leave that leg's footgear and sock on as well, and your leggings can be down around one ankle, but still allow plenty of access to the naughty bits. If you detect something approaching, your pants and shoes are already half on, saving numerous precious seconds.
posted by BeerFilter at 5:54 PM on August 22, 2006

A good rope hammock, a couple lengths of sturdy chain to link around a couple of appropriately spaced trees, and a couple of blankets make for comfort and cleanliness. Practice beforehand, to avoid being clumsy in the woods.
posted by paulsc at 6:17 PM on August 22, 2006

Don't directly expose the delicate tissues of your netherregions to the salty, creosote-filled fog of the redwoods. Trust me on this.

And don't get et by bears.
posted by DenOfSizer at 6:47 PM on August 22, 2006

I actually own this book (How to Have Sex in the Woods). I'm pretty sure you'd find it useful. Have fun!
posted by Melinika at 7:39 PM on August 22, 2006

Being naked and distracted in the woods, perhaps with your clothes inside out and on the ground, will quintuple your post-hike tick hunt time.

Or, it should.
posted by Sallyfur at 12:26 AM on August 23, 2006

Don't lie down. Do it against a tree, or a large boulder. She wears a dress, you wear loose fitting clothes.

Not that I know anything about that....
posted by quibx at 6:28 AM on August 23, 2006

The whole point of stolen moments in semi-private is undone by over-planning. The fun of them is how clumsy and makeshift they are.

Have something to put between the two of you and the wet/scratchy/sharp ground/wall/tree and something to mop up with afterwards. Everything else is optional and if you're into it odds are it's going to be quick because of the fear/excitement.

Ignore the nay-sayers. Even if it's a crap experience you will then know for yourself if it's something you ever want to do again. If it is... you're not going to mind the things they cite, at least big-picture.
posted by phearlez at 11:54 AM on August 23, 2006

if a park ranger comes across you two

*cough* Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Anyway, I'm going to be a big ol' parade-rainin' jerk here.

If you're camping in b'ar country, like Yosemite or King's Canyon, it's really best to not have sex in your tent. It releases all sorts of pheremones and, shall we say, organic smells that bears find intriguing, and is (apparently) a damn good way to attract bears to your tent.

And if you're making the bear with two backs in your sleeping bag, congratulations, you've just basically "contaminated" those as well, making them interesting to wild animals.

Also, bluntly, cleanup, unless you're camping somewhere with flush toilets, leaves you with cleanup materials positively loaded with proteins and so forth that must, like anything else, be buried, etcetera. There's no genteel way to put this: your, ah, wipe-up rags or towelettes need to be treated like waste.

That means, if you're roughing it, you have to hoof it out to your latrine (which is, of course, a goodly distance from your camp, etcetera), bury it, and so forth.

YMMV.
posted by scrump at 1:35 PM on August 23, 2006

Being naked and distracted in the woods, perhaps with your clothes inside out and on the ground, will quintuple your post-hike tick hunt time.

Yes, and remember, tick paralysis is ascending.
posted by baylink at 4:23 PM on August 23, 2006

Check for nearby trails. Absolutely no good when you're having your thing and a SUV drives 10 yards from you on a two track. Trust me.

Second, it's hot, this is the outdoors and all. Do this this in fall when it's more comfortable.

Don't walk to far, that's no fun. Save those times for when you're proving that your a human being to yourself in the desert. Go far enough to be out of earshot. However, realize this is expected -- you wouldn't believe how many times I've heard the sounds of love in the woods.

You can set up a tent, but this is hot and really removes anything enjoyable. Don't have fun in the sand. Leaves are gentle, pine needles are best (but exposed). Don't do this during hunting season (Nov - Jan'ish).

Make sure if you do this at night you're not near anything that's going to scare the crap out of you (which honestly, happens to all of us -- theres a lot of shit that walks around the forest at night and makes a damn lot of noise, especially big things).

Bottom line with this is make sure you have a good breakfast. This involves real food and some follow through. You individual performance isn't the goal here, it's the experience.

Congrats on the outdoors.
posted by sled at 6:32 PM on August 24, 2006