overcoming a fetish?
May 29, 2006 9:49 AM
FetishFilter: can a person overcome a dangerous or detrimental sexual fetish? or any fetish for that matter?
well, we all know what we like sexually, what turns us on. can one just shut that mechanism off?
posted by brandz at 10:01 AM on May 29, 2006
posted by brandz at 10:01 AM on May 29, 2006
You need to be less vague if you want to get less vague answers. A lot of the answer will depend on the origins and purposes of the fetish, the motivation of the person to end it, and the resources (i.e., treatment) available to figure it all out and give the person support in changing.
Some of the things that might be called fetishes could be extinguished in a behavioral modification mode, much as any problematic habitual behavior. Other things that might be called fetishes are deeply embedded in the personality and tied up with all kinds of compelling drives and motivations that would be very difficult to combat using only behavioral techniques.
Your best bet would be for the person to find a qualified mental health professional to assess him or her. You might want to talk to someone at San Francisco Sex Information to try to get a feel for how to begin to think about the "fetish" you're interested in. They also, I believe, maintain a list of professionals with training in sexuality-related mental health issues.
posted by jasper411 at 10:07 AM on May 29, 2006
Some of the things that might be called fetishes could be extinguished in a behavioral modification mode, much as any problematic habitual behavior. Other things that might be called fetishes are deeply embedded in the personality and tied up with all kinds of compelling drives and motivations that would be very difficult to combat using only behavioral techniques.
Your best bet would be for the person to find a qualified mental health professional to assess him or her. You might want to talk to someone at San Francisco Sex Information to try to get a feel for how to begin to think about the "fetish" you're interested in. They also, I believe, maintain a list of professionals with training in sexuality-related mental health issues.
posted by jasper411 at 10:07 AM on May 29, 2006
Often, realizing the fantasy is enough to do it. See the Piano Teacher.
Kids sometimes need to burn themselves on the element before they realize that the stove is dangerous.
posted by dobie at 10:10 AM on May 29, 2006
Kids sometimes need to burn themselves on the element before they realize that the stove is dangerous.
posted by dobie at 10:10 AM on May 29, 2006
i don't think it's a vague question at all, but it sounds like the answer is maybe.
posted by brandz at 10:23 AM on May 29, 2006
posted by brandz at 10:23 AM on May 29, 2006
brandz, what's vague is the word "overcoming". Does you (for whatever value of "you") want to stop trying to realize a given fetish, or stop being excited by fetishistic thoughts, or what?
posted by cortex at 10:39 AM on May 29, 2006
posted by cortex at 10:39 AM on May 29, 2006
Yeah the answer to your question is definitely "it depends" based on what it is you are trying to do. A few variants on a theme:
- do you want to make it so that the fetishistic thing that arouses you no longer does that?
- do you want to be able to fantasize without thinking about your fetish? Or be aroused without your fetish coming to mind?
- do you want to make it so that you can have loving and fulfilling sexual relationships absent from your fetish?
- do you want to put yourself in a position where a fetish you consider harmful is no longer capable of causing you harm?
- do you want to channel your fetish into a direction that is more acceptable to you?
- are you willing to go to extensive therapy and/or do a lot of work to get rid of this fetish? Do you want to be able to get over this fetish through sheer force of will? Could you talk to a professional about this fetish?
I'm of the feeling that with the right sort of incentive it's possible to get your mind to do a whole bunch of things it would not otherwise willingly do. This can be as straightforward and difficult) as quitting cigarettes or as complicated as dealing with phobias.
posted by jessamyn at 10:58 AM on May 29, 2006
- do you want to make it so that the fetishistic thing that arouses you no longer does that?
- do you want to be able to fantasize without thinking about your fetish? Or be aroused without your fetish coming to mind?
- do you want to make it so that you can have loving and fulfilling sexual relationships absent from your fetish?
- do you want to put yourself in a position where a fetish you consider harmful is no longer capable of causing you harm?
- do you want to channel your fetish into a direction that is more acceptable to you?
- are you willing to go to extensive therapy and/or do a lot of work to get rid of this fetish? Do you want to be able to get over this fetish through sheer force of will? Could you talk to a professional about this fetish?
I'm of the feeling that with the right sort of incentive it's possible to get your mind to do a whole bunch of things it would not otherwise willingly do. This can be as straightforward and difficult) as quitting cigarettes or as complicated as dealing with phobias.
posted by jessamyn at 10:58 AM on May 29, 2006
Why I said it was vague:
What kind of fetish are we talking about? In the mental health world, there is a broader term "Paraphilia." This is an area where cultural standards have shifted greatly over the years.
Dangerous and detrimental are also evocative, yet vague in this context. I guess I'd ask specifically dangerous / detrimental to whom? Is that part of the motivation to stop?
It is reasonably common that the cycle of paraphiliac behavior is accompanied by shame, remorse, disgust, and resolve to not do it again. But it is often the case that this resolve, if not accompanied by support and/or treatment, fades away when the urges start again.
If someone is doing something that involves something dangerous to another / illegal (e.g., rape, voyeurism, exhibitionism), they might not be ready to really attempt to stop until they have some kind of experience that blows the system apart (e.g., discovery of the formerly secret behavior by a valued friend or family member, arrest).
Other dangerous erotic behaviors include those that are dangerous to oneself, such as asphyxiation. I'm not aware of any solid data on how ameniable this form of behavior is, just that it's extremely dangerous. If this is the behavior involved, I implore you (or the person doing it) to seek intensive help right away. Pinegrove is one center for treatment of sexual disorders. I'm sure there are others - if you'd like I can try to find other referrals, but again, it would be helpful to know what you're talking about more specifically.
posted by jasper411 at 11:17 AM on May 29, 2006
What kind of fetish are we talking about? In the mental health world, there is a broader term "Paraphilia." This is an area where cultural standards have shifted greatly over the years.
Dangerous and detrimental are also evocative, yet vague in this context. I guess I'd ask specifically dangerous / detrimental to whom? Is that part of the motivation to stop?
It is reasonably common that the cycle of paraphiliac behavior is accompanied by shame, remorse, disgust, and resolve to not do it again. But it is often the case that this resolve, if not accompanied by support and/or treatment, fades away when the urges start again.
If someone is doing something that involves something dangerous to another / illegal (e.g., rape, voyeurism, exhibitionism), they might not be ready to really attempt to stop until they have some kind of experience that blows the system apart (e.g., discovery of the formerly secret behavior by a valued friend or family member, arrest).
Other dangerous erotic behaviors include those that are dangerous to oneself, such as asphyxiation. I'm not aware of any solid data on how ameniable this form of behavior is, just that it's extremely dangerous. If this is the behavior involved, I implore you (or the person doing it) to seek intensive help right away. Pinegrove is one center for treatment of sexual disorders. I'm sure there are others - if you'd like I can try to find other referrals, but again, it would be helpful to know what you're talking about more specifically.
posted by jasper411 at 11:17 AM on May 29, 2006
I understand that you're being vague because you don't want to brand yourself as "that person who is into (insert weird scat/piss/baby/rape/bloodplay fetish here)", and that's cool, as it's your buisness.
But, if you want a real answer, this is what the anonymous form is for. Do us a favor, wait a few months until people forget that you asked this question, and ask again anonymously. That will probably get you a better answer than "well, I guess."
posted by plaidrabbit at 11:57 AM on May 29, 2006
But, if you want a real answer, this is what the anonymous form is for. Do us a favor, wait a few months until people forget that you asked this question, and ask again anonymously. That will probably get you a better answer than "well, I guess."
posted by plaidrabbit at 11:57 AM on May 29, 2006
possibly related? And yes, you can, because I did.
posted by vanoakenfold at 11:59 AM on May 29, 2006
posted by vanoakenfold at 11:59 AM on May 29, 2006
About two years ago I read a psychologists report on getting a man to stop masturbating with very, very rough sandpaper and causing himself considerable injury. In short, he was weened off of it by progressively smoother and smoother paper until he was using cloth...then cloth with lubrication...then his hand with lube, and then the report goes on to talk about him having 'normal' sexual relations with a partner, which previously was impossible.
So anyway, what I got from that is that yes it's possible to overcome a fetish, but it's hard work.
posted by Kickstart70 at 12:04 PM on May 29, 2006
So anyway, what I got from that is that yes it's possible to overcome a fetish, but it's hard work.
posted by Kickstart70 at 12:04 PM on May 29, 2006
If you're unwilling to discuss it, you can repress the fetish, but it's quite doubtful you will ever overcome it. That would require willpower and honest desire to overcome the fetish. If you have that, best of luck to you. Seek assistance if it's possible though.
If it's only self-harmful, discussing it with someone you trust to not look down upon you would be an excellent idea. If not a friend, then a psychologist. Get an idea of why you feel this way, sort things out a little, and see what you can do to avert yourself from such feeling.
If it's outright illegal, then all I can suggest is to repress your feelings. Society is very wary of sexual deviance, and when it crosses legal boundaries, many would rather judge before letting something happen. Finding someone trustworthy to discuss this with can be difficult, even the most trustworthy friends can be put off seriously by such things.
So the short answer is- Usually. It's a matter of awareness, willpower, willingness to seek assistance, and availability of assistance.
posted by Saydur at 12:58 PM on May 29, 2006
If it's only self-harmful, discussing it with someone you trust to not look down upon you would be an excellent idea. If not a friend, then a psychologist. Get an idea of why you feel this way, sort things out a little, and see what you can do to avert yourself from such feeling.
If it's outright illegal, then all I can suggest is to repress your feelings. Society is very wary of sexual deviance, and when it crosses legal boundaries, many would rather judge before letting something happen. Finding someone trustworthy to discuss this with can be difficult, even the most trustworthy friends can be put off seriously by such things.
So the short answer is- Usually. It's a matter of awareness, willpower, willingness to seek assistance, and availability of assistance.
posted by Saydur at 12:58 PM on May 29, 2006
Okay, I'm erasing a long, somewhat academic answer to say:
1) I don't think the question is too vague.
2) Cross-cultural studies suggest that human sexuality is highly plastic, and my own opinion after doing some research is that people can vastly expand the range of things that turn them on by being open to suggestion (including self-suggestion).
3) If one's interests are broad, then the importance of a dangerous fetish could potentially be decreased to the point where the dangerous aspects of it were entirely under control (i.e. the person might continue to fantasize occasionally, but not every time, and not with the desire to realize the fantasy).
posted by carmen at 12:59 PM on May 29, 2006
1) I don't think the question is too vague.
2) Cross-cultural studies suggest that human sexuality is highly plastic, and my own opinion after doing some research is that people can vastly expand the range of things that turn them on by being open to suggestion (including self-suggestion).
3) If one's interests are broad, then the importance of a dangerous fetish could potentially be decreased to the point where the dangerous aspects of it were entirely under control (i.e. the person might continue to fantasize occasionally, but not every time, and not with the desire to realize the fantasy).
posted by carmen at 12:59 PM on May 29, 2006
Probably. The human mind is pretty malleable.
You might be interested in applying the concepts of classical conditioning and operant conditioning to your problem.
The obvious problem being that, if you have friends that are willing to help you re-enact scenes from A Clockwork Orange, chances are you're either trying to keep this a secret from them or they probably don't want you 'Better'(for whatever definition of 'Better' you're trying to achieve).
posted by Orb2069 at 4:20 PM on May 29, 2006
You might be interested in applying the concepts of classical conditioning and operant conditioning to your problem.
The obvious problem being that, if you have friends that are willing to help you re-enact scenes from A Clockwork Orange, chances are you're either trying to keep this a secret from them or they probably don't want you 'Better'(for whatever definition of 'Better' you're trying to achieve).
posted by Orb2069 at 4:20 PM on May 29, 2006
The question is, is it a fetish or an obsessive-compulsive disorder? Obsessive-compulsive disorders are treatable.
posted by TorontoSandy at 5:51 PM on May 29, 2006
posted by TorontoSandy at 5:51 PM on May 29, 2006
i think people read more into this question than was intended. it was a simple, straight-forward question, a curiosity. there was no need to ask the question anonymously or give juicy details, because there are none. i believe TorontoSandy was thinking along the lines that i was thinking. thanks for all the imput.
posted by brandz at 8:28 PM on May 30, 2006
posted by brandz at 8:28 PM on May 30, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
You've asked a very vague question.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:52 AM on May 29, 2006