Messages of support for a woman going through menopause
September 20, 2024 9:02 AM Subscribe
What sort of positive or at least not overly perky messages would a woman going through perimenopause and/or menopause appreciate hearing?
Yes, this is subjective. I am a hetero male, looking for suggestions of supportive messages to send to the woman I love as she struggles through this change in her life.
Note, this messages should not be about our relationship at all, but about her and what she's going through and hopefully reminding her that this is all going to be ok and that she has people around her that are supportive of this.
Yes, this is subjective. I am a hetero male, looking for suggestions of supportive messages to send to the woman I love as she struggles through this change in her life.
Note, this messages should not be about our relationship at all, but about her and what she's going through and hopefully reminding her that this is all going to be ok and that she has people around her that are supportive of this.
Response by poster: Her struggle is around the various physical and emotional changes. She feels lost, confused, and depressed about changes, doesn't know who she is. She does not feel like herself.
posted by clocksock at 9:10 AM on September 20
posted by clocksock at 9:10 AM on September 20
I think the strongest message you can send is to simply be present, listen to what she has to say (when she wants to say it), and help out if asked. If she wants to rant, listen to the rant. Silent, full presence after "I love you" can feel like doing nothing, but it is not doing nothing.
posted by jquinby at 9:22 AM on September 20 [11 favorites]
posted by jquinby at 9:22 AM on September 20 [11 favorites]
Bear in mind perimenopause starts 8-10 years before menopause (which is technically diagnosed the 12th cycle after your periods stop.)
So with that in mind, unless this state started with a complete hysterectomy (in which case please update and disregard this post because that’s a different thing) this is not like you broke your leg, hope you feel better. This is firmly about the process of and hormonal changes of aging in an ovaries-having body over time. I would encourage you to read The Menopause Manifesto for all the details.
So I would just send normal messages of support you would send for the rest of your lives. Hey I love how you’re killing it today even though you were up with hot flashes, etc. Listen more than talk. Ask questions. And, as opportunities present, to love and appreciate her and her body as she keep going through life.
Having read your update, I’d encourage her to be sure to connect with a good doctor if she hasn’t already and to read the book I recommended.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:25 AM on September 20 [6 favorites]
So with that in mind, unless this state started with a complete hysterectomy (in which case please update and disregard this post because that’s a different thing) this is not like you broke your leg, hope you feel better. This is firmly about the process of and hormonal changes of aging in an ovaries-having body over time. I would encourage you to read The Menopause Manifesto for all the details.
So I would just send normal messages of support you would send for the rest of your lives. Hey I love how you’re killing it today even though you were up with hot flashes, etc. Listen more than talk. Ask questions. And, as opportunities present, to love and appreciate her and her body as she keep going through life.
Having read your update, I’d encourage her to be sure to connect with a good doctor if she hasn’t already and to read the book I recommended.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:25 AM on September 20 [6 favorites]
Be there for her in whatever way she appreciates you being there for her (helping with chores, physical contact, affectionate notes, whatever it is you're already doing). Reassure her that you love her for who she is. As jquinby says, simply being present can be so valuable.
I think sending messages along the lines of "you'll get through this" or "it's all going to be okay" has the potential to diminish her experience. She may not want to be reassured, maybe she needs to feel angry and sad about this for a while (if someone told me "don't worry, it'll all be okay" while I was in the middle of a hot flash that makes me feel like I'm going to boil inside out and die, I might actually punch them). Maybe she just wants to get through it. Ask her what she needs, and do it.
posted by fight or flight at 9:29 AM on September 20 [7 favorites]
I think sending messages along the lines of "you'll get through this" or "it's all going to be okay" has the potential to diminish her experience. She may not want to be reassured, maybe she needs to feel angry and sad about this for a while (if someone told me "don't worry, it'll all be okay" while I was in the middle of a hot flash that makes me feel like I'm going to boil inside out and die, I might actually punch them). Maybe she just wants to get through it. Ask her what she needs, and do it.
posted by fight or flight at 9:29 AM on September 20 [7 favorites]
I know humor is very subjective, but I am a postmenopausal woman, and I would cross-stitch her this.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:55 AM on September 20 [2 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:55 AM on September 20 [2 favorites]
OK so look, I recognize that you mean well but it sounds like you think that perimenopause / menopause is like an illness in that there is a start point and an end point. Oh I'm sorry, you've got the menopause, don't worry, it will end and you'll be just the same as you were before! This could not be further from the truth.
When you hit puberty, did you come out of it the same as you were before? No? Well, menopause is more like puberty than anything else. It's a long process with a whole lot of different components and it arguably never really ends. I have been fully post menopausal for, hmmm, I think 8 years? I've been having hot flashes for going on 20 years now. They aren't going to end, for me and one third of other women, and that's just a tiny anecdotal bit of the whole menopause thing. That's one symptom. It's not a symptom anymore, it is part of my life, just like the other changes in my body and my brain. Some of the symptoms, like the rage, will calm down a bit. Others won't.
She is genuinely becoming new. She doesn't feel like herself because herself is not the same anymore nor will she be.
It can be a really scary transition! Your loved one may think that she will be unlovable, that she is now worthless and disposable - at the height of some horrible perimenopause moments I was known to sobbingly volunteer for the ice floe, myself - that she will be hideous, cronelike, crabbed: you get the idea. Our society is not kind about older women. Most of us have internalized at least a little bit of belief that our worth lies in our youthful looks and our fertility. Realizing that that internalized bit even exists can be rage inducing as well - it's hard to think, "I'm useless now" and also "god damn I am an idiot for even thinking that, I don't believe it" and so on and so forth. It is not an easy transition. But it is, at the end, kind of a good one. I feared menopause like nobody's business. I was terrified of wrinkles, of aging, of the changes in my body. Now that I'm through it and I am the different person I am now, as different from the me of age 45 as the 16 year old me was different than 11 year old me, I feel triumphant. I went through the furnace. The dross was burned away. I'm better for it. I'm more me than I was before and I'm way more comfortable with the new me than I was with the old one.
Reassuring her that you will always love and need her, the essential her, no matter who she is in the future, would, I imagine, be helpful. Honestly accepting the new her as she emerges will be the best thing. Just keep on loving her.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:00 AM on September 20 [38 favorites]
When you hit puberty, did you come out of it the same as you were before? No? Well, menopause is more like puberty than anything else. It's a long process with a whole lot of different components and it arguably never really ends. I have been fully post menopausal for, hmmm, I think 8 years? I've been having hot flashes for going on 20 years now. They aren't going to end, for me and one third of other women, and that's just a tiny anecdotal bit of the whole menopause thing. That's one symptom. It's not a symptom anymore, it is part of my life, just like the other changes in my body and my brain. Some of the symptoms, like the rage, will calm down a bit. Others won't.
She is genuinely becoming new. She doesn't feel like herself because herself is not the same anymore nor will she be.
It can be a really scary transition! Your loved one may think that she will be unlovable, that she is now worthless and disposable - at the height of some horrible perimenopause moments I was known to sobbingly volunteer for the ice floe, myself - that she will be hideous, cronelike, crabbed: you get the idea. Our society is not kind about older women. Most of us have internalized at least a little bit of belief that our worth lies in our youthful looks and our fertility. Realizing that that internalized bit even exists can be rage inducing as well - it's hard to think, "I'm useless now" and also "god damn I am an idiot for even thinking that, I don't believe it" and so on and so forth. It is not an easy transition. But it is, at the end, kind of a good one. I feared menopause like nobody's business. I was terrified of wrinkles, of aging, of the changes in my body. Now that I'm through it and I am the different person I am now, as different from the me of age 45 as the 16 year old me was different than 11 year old me, I feel triumphant. I went through the furnace. The dross was burned away. I'm better for it. I'm more me than I was before and I'm way more comfortable with the new me than I was with the old one.
Reassuring her that you will always love and need her, the essential her, no matter who she is in the future, would, I imagine, be helpful. Honestly accepting the new her as she emerges will be the best thing. Just keep on loving her.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:00 AM on September 20 [38 favorites]
Agreeing with everyone else that pick-me-up messages like this would actually not have helped me; they would have made me feel a little more "singled-out", like "oh, wow, must really be a mess if my partner thinks I need little cheer-up messages like this."
I would instead go for sincerity in the moment when she complains about something. You know her - you know when she is complaining because she just needs to vent, you know what kind of joke would cheer her up. You know when she is complaining because she genuinely needs help. Trust that instinct.
If you literally feel like you don't know what to say and you know she is just venting, something I've said in the past when soemone I care about is venting is "I wish I had a magic wand that would take this away, or I wish I could think of the most perfect thing to say that would instantly make everything all better." It demonstrates that you care, but it also acknowledges that this can't be just waved away simply. But it also shows that someone else acknowledges she's going through something tough and understands it sucks for her.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:05 AM on September 20 [7 favorites]
I would instead go for sincerity in the moment when she complains about something. You know her - you know when she is complaining because she just needs to vent, you know what kind of joke would cheer her up. You know when she is complaining because she genuinely needs help. Trust that instinct.
If you literally feel like you don't know what to say and you know she is just venting, something I've said in the past when soemone I care about is venting is "I wish I had a magic wand that would take this away, or I wish I could think of the most perfect thing to say that would instantly make everything all better." It demonstrates that you care, but it also acknowledges that this can't be just waved away simply. But it also shows that someone else acknowledges she's going through something tough and understands it sucks for her.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:05 AM on September 20 [7 favorites]
My mental and physical health has never crawled so far into the sewers as it did during peri, and I think a major problem is that culturally it's presumed to be because sufferers are just sad about being decrepit and not making babies.
No. I mean yes, of course, people absolutely get to feel however they want about those changes, but every single one of your neurochemicals goes into supernova, as they have always depended on your general levels of estrogen and testosterone etc to function in the way you are accustomed, and basically everything you've ever known about the way your body works is replaced with totally different schematics. And rage. A lot of estrogen- and serotonin-deprived rage.
(I won't even go into the repressed trauma a lot of us confront in peri thanks to the estrogen Be Nice spell wearing off. Just...like I said: rage.)
But we were always told it was just sadness about being dried up old biddies. Nobody until the past few years has really told us we could go to a damn doctor about it. Thanks to the pandemic therefore not being closely in touch with my in-person Old Biddy Gang, I didn't know until too late you can do a modified HRT to smooth out the roughness if it's hitting you too hard - like, if the connective tissue symptoms freeze your shoulder and you have to get your spouse to wipe you (one of my Gang) or the ER psych figures out to get you a GYN consult when you end up there for ideation (another Gang member). I broke my leg because of the connective tissue stuff, and my executive function was already in tatters from the dearth of serotonin/norepinephrine/dopamine.
While I recognize now I had highly-masked and well-compensated mild ADHD all my life, I got diagnosed at 52 because it turns out I had been burning pure estrogen to function pretty well all that time.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that if you're looking for something to say to her, I'd recommend, "The physical and neurochemical side effects of perimenopause are fucking brutal and you don't have to suffer it with no assistance. I'm happy to help however you need."
Also, if this is feasible, "Go have some hang-out time with your similarly-aged peers."
Maybe also, "Your body is a fearsome and wonderful machine in all possible definitions of both fearsome and wonderful, and it's still going to take you wherever you want to go in this world, but it is going through a damn difficult rebuild right now and I recognize that's a lot to go through. But I am always going to think your machine is fearsome and wonderful, and you will too when it stops surprising you constantly."
Like, some of us are absolutely delighted to be approaching the end of menstruation and fertility, pleased to be entering cronedom, relieved to finally be invisible and unfuckable and STILL nearly die in the process. Obviously yes be supportive about whatever kinds of sorrow and rage and regret and grief and repressed traumas are bubbling up to the surface, but in your head please laser-obliterate any deeply-programmed cultural assumptions that these are silly little sads because of not making babies and gaining some weight. It's so so so much bigger and nastier and potentially more dangerous than that.
I don't even know if this is a scientifically fantastic comparison, but think about those first couple of years of puberty when hormones and body changes turned you into someone completely different from the absurd amount of calories a pubescent male can consume in growth spurts to the restlessness and agitation to increased and decreased emotions of various kinds. Whatever emotional and behavioral changes you experienced then, it wasn't because you were excited to be "becoming a man" or whatever. You were not making decisions about these changes, they were just happening at you in all kinds of weird and mostly undocumented ways. Menopause is like that except backwards and you're a grown-ass adult and therefore aware of the changes and the implications and the baggage of 30plus years of being a menstruating woman in this world.
(God, I was in my maybe third peaceful medicated year afterwards when Roe fell. Figuring out all my feelings about that was...rough.)
Read Jen Gunter's book. As a companion I'd actually recommend maybe The Grieving Brain, because there's some neurochemical overlap there as well as the dug-up trauma stuff.
Sometimes, when it's the right thing for her to hear, the right thing to say is "It gets better." Nobody told me that either - I hadn't even heard the term perimenopause until my late 30s, I had no idea that there was this absolute shithole of a transitional period and then everything settles down again. I really wish someone had said to me, at my lowest moments, that the worst of this is gonna pass and I'm not going to feel like that forever. I mean, you'll pry my lexapro out of my cold dead hands, but the massive enormous upheaval of peri does settle down eventually. Most of the symptoms fade. New health problems pop up, yeah, but they don't tend to be so...unhinged.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:09 AM on September 20 [42 favorites]
No. I mean yes, of course, people absolutely get to feel however they want about those changes, but every single one of your neurochemicals goes into supernova, as they have always depended on your general levels of estrogen and testosterone etc to function in the way you are accustomed, and basically everything you've ever known about the way your body works is replaced with totally different schematics. And rage. A lot of estrogen- and serotonin-deprived rage.
(I won't even go into the repressed trauma a lot of us confront in peri thanks to the estrogen Be Nice spell wearing off. Just...like I said: rage.)
But we were always told it was just sadness about being dried up old biddies. Nobody until the past few years has really told us we could go to a damn doctor about it. Thanks to the pandemic therefore not being closely in touch with my in-person Old Biddy Gang, I didn't know until too late you can do a modified HRT to smooth out the roughness if it's hitting you too hard - like, if the connective tissue symptoms freeze your shoulder and you have to get your spouse to wipe you (one of my Gang) or the ER psych figures out to get you a GYN consult when you end up there for ideation (another Gang member). I broke my leg because of the connective tissue stuff, and my executive function was already in tatters from the dearth of serotonin/norepinephrine/dopamine.
While I recognize now I had highly-masked and well-compensated mild ADHD all my life, I got diagnosed at 52 because it turns out I had been burning pure estrogen to function pretty well all that time.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that if you're looking for something to say to her, I'd recommend, "The physical and neurochemical side effects of perimenopause are fucking brutal and you don't have to suffer it with no assistance. I'm happy to help however you need."
Also, if this is feasible, "Go have some hang-out time with your similarly-aged peers."
Maybe also, "Your body is a fearsome and wonderful machine in all possible definitions of both fearsome and wonderful, and it's still going to take you wherever you want to go in this world, but it is going through a damn difficult rebuild right now and I recognize that's a lot to go through. But I am always going to think your machine is fearsome and wonderful, and you will too when it stops surprising you constantly."
Like, some of us are absolutely delighted to be approaching the end of menstruation and fertility, pleased to be entering cronedom, relieved to finally be invisible and unfuckable and STILL nearly die in the process. Obviously yes be supportive about whatever kinds of sorrow and rage and regret and grief and repressed traumas are bubbling up to the surface, but in your head please laser-obliterate any deeply-programmed cultural assumptions that these are silly little sads because of not making babies and gaining some weight. It's so so so much bigger and nastier and potentially more dangerous than that.
I don't even know if this is a scientifically fantastic comparison, but think about those first couple of years of puberty when hormones and body changes turned you into someone completely different from the absurd amount of calories a pubescent male can consume in growth spurts to the restlessness and agitation to increased and decreased emotions of various kinds. Whatever emotional and behavioral changes you experienced then, it wasn't because you were excited to be "becoming a man" or whatever. You were not making decisions about these changes, they were just happening at you in all kinds of weird and mostly undocumented ways. Menopause is like that except backwards and you're a grown-ass adult and therefore aware of the changes and the implications and the baggage of 30plus years of being a menstruating woman in this world.
(God, I was in my maybe third peaceful medicated year afterwards when Roe fell. Figuring out all my feelings about that was...rough.)
Read Jen Gunter's book. As a companion I'd actually recommend maybe The Grieving Brain, because there's some neurochemical overlap there as well as the dug-up trauma stuff.
Sometimes, when it's the right thing for her to hear, the right thing to say is "It gets better." Nobody told me that either - I hadn't even heard the term perimenopause until my late 30s, I had no idea that there was this absolute shithole of a transitional period and then everything settles down again. I really wish someone had said to me, at my lowest moments, that the worst of this is gonna pass and I'm not going to feel like that forever. I mean, you'll pry my lexapro out of my cold dead hands, but the massive enormous upheaval of peri does settle down eventually. Most of the symptoms fade. New health problems pop up, yeah, but they don't tend to be so...unhinged.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:09 AM on September 20 [42 favorites]
Not a direct answer but my partner is going through this and has found the book What Fresh Hell Is This to be of use, perhaps one or both of you would as well.
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 10:15 AM on September 20 [3 favorites]
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 10:15 AM on September 20 [3 favorites]
Regarding humor, I can tell you that this clip from Wanda Sykes was in extremely heavy rotation. Language NSFW.
posted by jquinby at 10:39 AM on September 20 [7 favorites]
posted by jquinby at 10:39 AM on September 20 [7 favorites]
So I would just send normal messages of support you would send for the rest of your lives. Hey I love how you’re killing it today even though you were up with hot flashes, etc.
I would instead go for sincerity in the moment when she complains about something.
Yeah, just to echo these messages: I would just make sure that whatever you're saying is specific to what she's going through at a given moment or on a given day and that it's related to something she's shared with you. It would be weird to hear this out of the blue or as speculation on a condition that might or might not be affecting me. But when there's a specific thing that she's going through, just hear her and reflect back care and acceptance—or just that you hear her frustration. There isn't going to always be something you can "fix," so make sure you have a listening mindset rather than a fixing mindset. At times, all I want to hear when I'm dealing with health stuff is, "Yeah, that sucks," rather than "Have you tried...?"
Cultivating acceptance of various body changes that have come my way over time isn't me giving up; it's conserving my energy for battles that matter and are winnable. It's my body and I'm allowed to be mad at it. It's my body and I'm allowed to accept it.
Although if you're noticing patterns in the things that are affecting her and you're reasonably sure she might need to know, that's also something you could share in a caring way, as someone who supports her, just like with any other condition. You don't even necessarily have to speculate what you think might be happening. You can just help her notice and address any symptoms. Like (random example, since I just felt myself getting this way) if my partner thought I might be getting hungry but ignoring it (classic ADHD!), I wouldn't mind it if he noticed and were like, "Hey, do you want some Twizzlers? [hands me Twizzlers] Do you want to get [specific suggestion] for lunch?" Or make sure to build in restroom breaks to whatever outing you're on, since things can get less predictable. Have the patience to walk a little slower alongside her if joint pain is an issue that day—don't leave her behind or lead her down a path she might have trouble navigating. Substitute whatever conditions are affecting her with all these hormone changes. Encourage her to be vocal about what's happening, so you know what's up and can act accordingly.
Reassurance that you still love her and her body and mind as they're changing in ways she doesn't actually like goes a long way too. Hormone-related metabolic changes can be so incredibly frustrating and in some cases impossible to address—it's just part of evolving personally and hormonally, but that doesn't mean we don't hate it. Having patience with her might help her have more patience with herself.
posted by limeonaire at 10:43 AM on September 20 [1 favorite]
I would instead go for sincerity in the moment when she complains about something.
Yeah, just to echo these messages: I would just make sure that whatever you're saying is specific to what she's going through at a given moment or on a given day and that it's related to something she's shared with you. It would be weird to hear this out of the blue or as speculation on a condition that might or might not be affecting me. But when there's a specific thing that she's going through, just hear her and reflect back care and acceptance—or just that you hear her frustration. There isn't going to always be something you can "fix," so make sure you have a listening mindset rather than a fixing mindset. At times, all I want to hear when I'm dealing with health stuff is, "Yeah, that sucks," rather than "Have you tried...?"
Cultivating acceptance of various body changes that have come my way over time isn't me giving up; it's conserving my energy for battles that matter and are winnable. It's my body and I'm allowed to be mad at it. It's my body and I'm allowed to accept it.
Although if you're noticing patterns in the things that are affecting her and you're reasonably sure she might need to know, that's also something you could share in a caring way, as someone who supports her, just like with any other condition. You don't even necessarily have to speculate what you think might be happening. You can just help her notice and address any symptoms. Like (random example, since I just felt myself getting this way) if my partner thought I might be getting hungry but ignoring it (classic ADHD!), I wouldn't mind it if he noticed and were like, "Hey, do you want some Twizzlers? [hands me Twizzlers] Do you want to get [specific suggestion] for lunch?" Or make sure to build in restroom breaks to whatever outing you're on, since things can get less predictable. Have the patience to walk a little slower alongside her if joint pain is an issue that day—don't leave her behind or lead her down a path she might have trouble navigating. Substitute whatever conditions are affecting her with all these hormone changes. Encourage her to be vocal about what's happening, so you know what's up and can act accordingly.
Reassurance that you still love her and her body and mind as they're changing in ways she doesn't actually like goes a long way too. Hormone-related metabolic changes can be so incredibly frustrating and in some cases impossible to address—it's just part of evolving personally and hormonally, but that doesn't mean we don't hate it. Having patience with her might help her have more patience with herself.
posted by limeonaire at 10:43 AM on September 20 [1 favorite]
"I cleaned your house"
posted by Jacqueline at 11:10 AM on September 20 [28 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 11:10 AM on September 20 [28 favorites]
Flagged Lyn Never's comment as fantastic. Everything she said. I am only just NOW realizing how many of the physical changes and health issues and emotional / mental issues I've been having for the last decade are linked to perimenopause and menopause. No doctor ever mentioned it.
posted by mygothlaundry at 11:18 AM on September 20 [2 favorites]
posted by mygothlaundry at 11:18 AM on September 20 [2 favorites]
Yes, much physical discomfort associated with this period can be helped (start with this NYT article), but you may need to be very supportive in her quest to get help, as many medical personnel remain old-fashioned and dismissive about "lady parts issues." (No, my periods were not just going nuts! I had a couple giant [benign] tumors in there!) She herself may be inclined to dismiss or minimize her issues, believing there's nothing to be done or being too overwhelmed to take on more doctor's visits. Obviously, respect her limits, but gentle encouragement to get some medical help (and logistical assistance in doing so!) would not be inappropriate.
posted by praemunire at 11:34 AM on September 20 [3 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 11:34 AM on September 20 [3 favorites]
I think this is going to be very, very specific to the individual. Personally, I would find it *so* odd and somewhat unwelcome for my (cis male) partner to be giving me some sort of broad You've Got This! support about menopause as a whole. I might welcome very specific help at very specific times if at that exact moment I were feeling crappy and wanted (a fan, some comfort food, ten minutes to vent about what a mistake physical form is, etc.) And if I didn't already have supportive mental and physical health care, a partner could help me find time and money for that.
posted by Stacey at 11:58 AM on September 20 [5 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 11:58 AM on September 20 [5 favorites]
Any time I am feeling down, the routine daily messages I want from those around me are not specific to the problem. If I have been able to distract myself enough to get through the workday without crying, I don't really want a text that reminds me to be sad. So: jokes that are not gender based, funny pictures, cute pictures of animals she likes, stuff like that. I already feel supported by my inner circle, and so just like hug or hand squeeze, a message like this can remind her of your support without having to say it out loud.
posted by soelo at 11:59 AM on September 20
posted by soelo at 11:59 AM on September 20
I also flagged Lyn Never's comment as fantastic. Another post-menopausal woman here, and I want to thank you for being supportive to your partner. My brother went through this with his wife before I was in the throes of things myself, and he was just so scared. He wanted to support her but didn't know how. Everything he did was wrong. And then I went through it and I understood. Well, I understood after I went on HRT and was able to get back to some normalcy again.
On preview, I'm going to agree that this is going to be highly subjective from person to person, but the one thing is to be patient. Be prepared to be treated a bit unfairly for a bit. Oh, and do not say anything like, "Is this the menopause talking?" even if you're sure it is - that's on the level of "Are you on the rag?"
You'll both get through this!
posted by queensissy at 12:02 PM on September 20 [2 favorites]
On preview, I'm going to agree that this is going to be highly subjective from person to person, but the one thing is to be patient. Be prepared to be treated a bit unfairly for a bit. Oh, and do not say anything like, "Is this the menopause talking?" even if you're sure it is - that's on the level of "Are you on the rag?"
You'll both get through this!
posted by queensissy at 12:02 PM on September 20 [2 favorites]
Perimenopause is awful and having a partner help pick up the load with anything would be so appreciated rather than just a message of support and being a sounding board. Helping out with daily chores or depending on her interests, helping to create a self care day. And keep doing this ... it will help so much! Reasoning is that perimenopause is like scrambling your brain up and everything that used to seem simple takes so much more effort and organization and energy!
posted by mxjudyliza at 1:52 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]
posted by mxjudyliza at 1:52 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]
Oh hell yes, the number one form of support to anybody going through a long-haul hard time is to take shit off their plate. Obviously don't be anti-supportive, which I think is what you're getting at here OP, you want to not have the wrong attitude, but the actual "right" things to say are going to be specific to your person's experience.
Real support is staying cued in enough to know what's going on and making the affected parts of life easier. If she's not sleeping (a huge issue in various ways for a lot of people), help troubleshoot or implement solutions. Temperature stuff may need new rules or new equipment. If some subset of domestic tasks has been mostly in her court historically, review to see if you can take on stuff that's too much (or too difficult, especially if she's having joint/soft tissue problems). If you'd been over-reliant on her to handle logistics in your life, it's time to learn. She may end up at times with some really specific symptoms that require creative thinking and problem-solving. Stay cued in so you know what the issues are.
Bonus: Something that is endlessly frustrating to me is there's some lip service given to "loss of libido" and "feeling different about her body" and even that somehow still gets flipped to "because of not making babies/being saggy" instead of "shoulder pain, constipation, and intrusive thoughts about agricultural labor violations". Like, if you want this part of the situation to be gracefully navigated, you need to be able to talk pretty frankly and you need to have an understanding of sexuality with some contemporary science attached. Executive function and ability to concentrate have a place in the bedroom, or used to anyway, and when they are gone it makes a lot of things more difficult. (Also, just the myriad of digestive and continence issues, these are really intrusive and a very visceral hurdle to spontaneity on top of whatever hormonal challenges appear.)
posted by Lyn Never at 3:53 PM on September 20 [7 favorites]
Real support is staying cued in enough to know what's going on and making the affected parts of life easier. If she's not sleeping (a huge issue in various ways for a lot of people), help troubleshoot or implement solutions. Temperature stuff may need new rules or new equipment. If some subset of domestic tasks has been mostly in her court historically, review to see if you can take on stuff that's too much (or too difficult, especially if she's having joint/soft tissue problems). If you'd been over-reliant on her to handle logistics in your life, it's time to learn. She may end up at times with some really specific symptoms that require creative thinking and problem-solving. Stay cued in so you know what the issues are.
Bonus: Something that is endlessly frustrating to me is there's some lip service given to "loss of libido" and "feeling different about her body" and even that somehow still gets flipped to "because of not making babies/being saggy" instead of "shoulder pain, constipation, and intrusive thoughts about agricultural labor violations". Like, if you want this part of the situation to be gracefully navigated, you need to be able to talk pretty frankly and you need to have an understanding of sexuality with some contemporary science attached. Executive function and ability to concentrate have a place in the bedroom, or used to anyway, and when they are gone it makes a lot of things more difficult. (Also, just the myriad of digestive and continence issues, these are really intrusive and a very visceral hurdle to spontaneity on top of whatever hormonal challenges appear.)
posted by Lyn Never at 3:53 PM on September 20 [7 favorites]
Don't be scared of it. Do notice how she's feeling...if hot/tired/ sore, offer rest and fans and cold drinks.
She may or may not try hormones and if she does, they may rev up your sex life. Or give her weird side effects. Or both.
By the way your hormones levels might be changing too, but less dramatically. Pay attention to your own moods. Neither of you have to be saints about aging, you just have to not be assholes. Or apologize if you slip.
Do encourage her to do whatever is needed to feel better, whether that's meds or therapy or simply letting her have space in bed and a fan in her face to avoid overheating.
You may both find yourselves having surprising conversations. Big changes tend to make you reevaluate things or want to question your assumptions about how you live or what you prioritize. Keep your mind open and listen and offer honesty and compassion.
posted by emjaybee at 5:23 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]
She may or may not try hormones and if she does, they may rev up your sex life. Or give her weird side effects. Or both.
By the way your hormones levels might be changing too, but less dramatically. Pay attention to your own moods. Neither of you have to be saints about aging, you just have to not be assholes. Or apologize if you slip.
Do encourage her to do whatever is needed to feel better, whether that's meds or therapy or simply letting her have space in bed and a fan in her face to avoid overheating.
You may both find yourselves having surprising conversations. Big changes tend to make you reevaluate things or want to question your assumptions about how you live or what you prioritize. Keep your mind open and listen and offer honesty and compassion.
posted by emjaybee at 5:23 PM on September 20 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You've gotten a lot of great advice above. In addition to the books that have already been mentioned, you might also like to check out the r/Menopause wiki for further info.
posted by mydonkeybenjamin at 5:20 AM on September 21
posted by mydonkeybenjamin at 5:20 AM on September 21
I would feel weird getting a "so you've going through perimenopause" card from a man. It would be better if you were specific, e.g. if she's unhappy about a particular quality about herself, address that.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:37 PM on September 21
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:37 PM on September 21
I think written messages can run the risk of being annoying but good help that observes and addresses a problem is always appreciated. Maybe offer to:
- Send her healthy food with lots of protein
- Take tasks off her plate to lessen the load on her exec function - scrub out the fridge, re-caulk the tub, get her car an oil change, fill her gas tank, change the furnace filter, offer to automate some bills, etc
- Pay for a cleaning and/or laundry service
- Pay for a visit from a professional organizer to fix a clutter area
- Get her a beautiful and effective fan for her room for more comfortable sleeps (the vintage looking vornado fans are so pretty as long as you don't have kids around since the gaps are wide)
- Ask what house tasks are driving her nuts and then arrange for them to be complete
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:16 PM on September 21
- Send her healthy food with lots of protein
- Take tasks off her plate to lessen the load on her exec function - scrub out the fridge, re-caulk the tub, get her car an oil change, fill her gas tank, change the furnace filter, offer to automate some bills, etc
- Pay for a cleaning and/or laundry service
- Pay for a visit from a professional organizer to fix a clutter area
- Get her a beautiful and effective fan for her room for more comfortable sleeps (the vintage looking vornado fans are so pretty as long as you don't have kids around since the gaps are wide)
- Ask what house tasks are driving her nuts and then arrange for them to be complete
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:16 PM on September 21
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posted by praemunire at 9:05 AM on September 20