How to be a good houseguest
September 4, 2024 2:40 PM Subscribe
I'm traveling to another city next week, and staying with two different friends who have graciously offered to host me. It's been a long time since I've been anyone's houseguest — partly because I'm so afraid imposing on people that I rarely take them up on offers to host. So my "good-houseguest" instincts are a little rusty. If you're someone who opens your home to guests, what can guests do to make their stay with you as painless as possible?
I already plan to leave a note and a gift at the end. I'm generally a pretty thoughtful person but have some social anxiety and am sometimes oblivious to social norms, so my biggest worry is accidentally being rude by NOT doing something that's expected of me. And I know that hosting a guest can be tiring under the best of circumstances so I want to be as considerate as possible (and hopefully be welcome again in the future!).
Some more context to set expectations: For 3-4 nights I am staying with a work acquaintance who has his own place and will be away half the time. We get along well and have mutual friends, but are not super close; I don't expect to be attached at the hip with him while there. For the other 4-5 nights I am staying with a closer friend who lives with her parents, but her parents will be away during my visit. Myself and my friends are all in our late-20s to mid-30s.
I already plan to leave a note and a gift at the end. I'm generally a pretty thoughtful person but have some social anxiety and am sometimes oblivious to social norms, so my biggest worry is accidentally being rude by NOT doing something that's expected of me. And I know that hosting a guest can be tiring under the best of circumstances so I want to be as considerate as possible (and hopefully be welcome again in the future!).
Some more context to set expectations: For 3-4 nights I am staying with a work acquaintance who has his own place and will be away half the time. We get along well and have mutual friends, but are not super close; I don't expect to be attached at the hip with him while there. For the other 4-5 nights I am staying with a closer friend who lives with her parents, but her parents will be away during my visit. Myself and my friends are all in our late-20s to mid-30s.
I think it's nice to arrive with a gift, rather than saving it for the end. (Though the note at the end sounds right to me.) I like to bring a gift from my geographic area, and edible gifts can be nice -- olive oil, honey, jam, or fancy salt are some of my go-tos.
posted by BlahLaLa at 3:15 PM on September 4 [1 favorite]
posted by BlahLaLa at 3:15 PM on September 4 [1 favorite]
It's wonderful that you're asking this question and want to be a good houseguest!
I live in a regional area and frequently host friends for long weekends. The best houseguests:
- Are generally aware of house hours: what time we go to bed and what time we get up, and they aim to roughly match that. If you're not sure, you can ask!
- Keep their room and their stuff tidy. Make the bed, put dishes away, keep toiletries contained, hang up any towels.
- Are self-sufficient: ask how the coffee maker works, where breakfast items are, etc.
A gift at the start and a card when you leave are very thoughtful gestures!
posted by third word on a random page at 3:19 PM on September 4 [3 favorites]
I live in a regional area and frequently host friends for long weekends. The best houseguests:
- Are generally aware of house hours: what time we go to bed and what time we get up, and they aim to roughly match that. If you're not sure, you can ask!
- Keep their room and their stuff tidy. Make the bed, put dishes away, keep toiletries contained, hang up any towels.
- Are self-sufficient: ask how the coffee maker works, where breakfast items are, etc.
A gift at the start and a card when you leave are very thoughtful gestures!
posted by third word on a random page at 3:19 PM on September 4 [3 favorites]
I don't think there is a one-size fits all answer here, as everyone is different - some people really want to provide everything for their guests and would feel bad if they didn't, other people prefer it when house guests are self-sufficient. I have stayed with friends that would fight me if I tried to pick up the cheque a dinner - and others who are happy to be treated. But generally: gifts are good, as is cleaning, as is asking them how much time they'd like to spend with you while you're in town, while making it clear that you are capable of entertaining yourself as much as is needed. For the work acquaintance, I'd likely try and replace the food I ate from their fridge, even if not a perfect 1:1 replacement (i.e., if I had several breakfasts at their place, I might pick up a dozen eggs).
posted by coffeecat at 3:34 PM on September 4 [1 favorite]
posted by coffeecat at 3:34 PM on September 4 [1 favorite]
My favorite house guests:
- Know that hosting takes a lot of energy and sometimes say "I'm going to take a little phone time/go for a walk/space out in my room or on the porch/zone out for a bit with my book." It's so helpful when it is completely clear that the guest is not expecting entertainment or even conversation and you can either just share the same space doing different things OR retire to separate spaces without it being weird. I have found that guests who just say this out loud are the best, and I love knowing I'm "off duty" for a bit.
- If bathroom space is tight, guests who ask -- "are you a morning or evening showerer?" and/or "when is the best time for me to hop in the bathroom for my shower?" are saints. If the guest can flex to use the facilities in a way that doesn't mean I'm changing my timing dramatically, that rules.
- Do a little schedule check in each night or morning to align on what plans look like, when we might be sharing space, if we are going for a meal or cooking at home, etc. It's just so nice to get on the same page about whether you're doing stuff together, separate, in, out, and if any errands need to be run to make it easy. For example, if you talk in the morning about having dinner later and the host is planning to cook, that's a great moment to ask if there's anything you can pick up for the meal while you're out during the day.
- Are clear about when they are arriving and leaving. It stinks to be like, "soooo, are you staying tonight or eating lunch here or what?" -- just set your overall arrival/departure schedule beforehand and then stick to it!
- Bonus points: bringing a fun game, movie, playlist, food/bev, activity, etc. that we can enjoy together while you're at my house. I like it when people introduce new stuff into my world, and it's such a relief to me when someone is like: oooh, here's something we can share that you did not have to think of!
posted by luzdeluna at 4:20 PM on September 4 [11 favorites]
- Know that hosting takes a lot of energy and sometimes say "I'm going to take a little phone time/go for a walk/space out in my room or on the porch/zone out for a bit with my book." It's so helpful when it is completely clear that the guest is not expecting entertainment or even conversation and you can either just share the same space doing different things OR retire to separate spaces without it being weird. I have found that guests who just say this out loud are the best, and I love knowing I'm "off duty" for a bit.
- If bathroom space is tight, guests who ask -- "are you a morning or evening showerer?" and/or "when is the best time for me to hop in the bathroom for my shower?" are saints. If the guest can flex to use the facilities in a way that doesn't mean I'm changing my timing dramatically, that rules.
- Do a little schedule check in each night or morning to align on what plans look like, when we might be sharing space, if we are going for a meal or cooking at home, etc. It's just so nice to get on the same page about whether you're doing stuff together, separate, in, out, and if any errands need to be run to make it easy. For example, if you talk in the morning about having dinner later and the host is planning to cook, that's a great moment to ask if there's anything you can pick up for the meal while you're out during the day.
- Are clear about when they are arriving and leaving. It stinks to be like, "soooo, are you staying tonight or eating lunch here or what?" -- just set your overall arrival/departure schedule beforehand and then stick to it!
- Bonus points: bringing a fun game, movie, playlist, food/bev, activity, etc. that we can enjoy together while you're at my house. I like it when people introduce new stuff into my world, and it's such a relief to me when someone is like: oooh, here's something we can share that you did not have to think of!
posted by luzdeluna at 4:20 PM on September 4 [11 favorites]
Oh, also, I love it when guests have an opinion so I'm not constantly trying to guess what they might like. Do you want Mexican food or pizza or chicken at home? Literally just pick one! I'm only offering you choices I would be fine with but I want you to have a good time! Would you rather go for coffee at the bougie coffee shop with $9 lattes or the corner diner? Please, just choose. Even if you'd like them both equally, for the love of Pete, don't leave it up to your poor host to make all the decisions.
posted by luzdeluna at 4:24 PM on September 4 [16 favorites]
posted by luzdeluna at 4:24 PM on September 4 [16 favorites]
Make or provide a meal or two, I seem to have houseguests a lot and I always worry about meals / snacks / food supplies.
posted by Vatnesine at 4:26 PM on September 4 [1 favorite]
posted by Vatnesine at 4:26 PM on September 4 [1 favorite]
I only have one bathroom, so navigating the sharing of it and making sure I can still accomplish my own bathroom needs in the time I have is important.
I'm vegetarian and I don't want guests preparing meat in my house, and would prefer not storing meat in my fridge if possible.
Other than that, ideally clean up after yourself (dishes, water in the bathroom, etc), don't make a lot of noise if I'm asleep, and let me know what your schedule is as and when you know it.
posted by vegartanipla at 4:48 PM on September 4 [2 favorites]
I'm vegetarian and I don't want guests preparing meat in my house, and would prefer not storing meat in my fridge if possible.
Other than that, ideally clean up after yourself (dishes, water in the bathroom, etc), don't make a lot of noise if I'm asleep, and let me know what your schedule is as and when you know it.
posted by vegartanipla at 4:48 PM on September 4 [2 favorites]
luzdeluna has excellent suggestions.
-Don't automatically strip the bed at the end of your stay. I know it's a nice thing but I want to do laundry on my own time and walking past the guest room with a stripped bed would make me anxious. Instead, it's kind to ask your host what they prefer: "Would you prefer that I strip the bed at the end of my stay or not?" If they say "not" just make the bed nicely.
-Please, for the love of all that is good, don't slam doors and cabinets.
-Make sure you know if it's a shoes on or a shoes off house - just ask!
posted by cooker girl at 5:04 PM on September 4 [4 favorites]
-Don't automatically strip the bed at the end of your stay. I know it's a nice thing but I want to do laundry on my own time and walking past the guest room with a stripped bed would make me anxious. Instead, it's kind to ask your host what they prefer: "Would you prefer that I strip the bed at the end of my stay or not?" If they say "not" just make the bed nicely.
-Please, for the love of all that is good, don't slam doors and cabinets.
-Make sure you know if it's a shoes on or a shoes off house - just ask!
posted by cooker girl at 5:04 PM on September 4 [4 favorites]
Ask your host what they prefer in terms of dishes and linens and respect their wishes. Personally my husband is very picky about how the dishwasher is loaded and which dishes are hand washed, and finds it very stressful when guests do their own dishes (thinking they are being courteous and that they should ignore his requests when he says to leave them in the sink) because it throws his normal evening dish washing off.
posted by mostly vowels at 5:36 PM on September 4 [3 favorites]
posted by mostly vowels at 5:36 PM on September 4 [3 favorites]
We have a lot of house guests. For us, folks who keep the house tidy and pitch in after meals/ask how they can help with cleaning are the easiest. But, I'll also say that we have friends visit who are not great about doing things like that, but who are warm and fun to be around and so clearly happy to be with us. And that makes a pretty big difference too. We don't expect friends/guests/humans to be perfect so you shouldn't try to hold yourself to that standard.
posted by jeszac at 5:38 PM on September 4 [2 favorites]
posted by jeszac at 5:38 PM on September 4 [2 favorites]
I house/pet sit for people on a somewhat frequent basis, but that's different.
Try to match the schedules when the people are there. If they wake up earlier than you usually do, maybe try to get up a bit earlier too. (Or if they sleep later, stay in your space/quiet as late as you can.)
If you can do hospitable things like make coffee, do that! Or yes, if you're getting take out/etc., ask what they might like.
If there's only one bathroom, give them priority (and discuss that beforehand).
Some places I do bring the linens/towels to the laundry room/hamper (if they have it) or I just leave them on the bed. But that's a completely reasonable to ask about.
Bring a gift initially (wine/etc. is good) and maybe have one to leave at the end (a consumable or an activity).
Also understand if the people you're staying with want space or don't necessarily want to be social. Everyone is different!
Mostly, though, I try to leave the places I've been better than I found them. You can be comfortable but be the best version of yourself.
posted by edencosmic at 6:06 PM on September 4 [1 favorite]
Try to match the schedules when the people are there. If they wake up earlier than you usually do, maybe try to get up a bit earlier too. (Or if they sleep later, stay in your space/quiet as late as you can.)
If you can do hospitable things like make coffee, do that! Or yes, if you're getting take out/etc., ask what they might like.
If there's only one bathroom, give them priority (and discuss that beforehand).
Some places I do bring the linens/towels to the laundry room/hamper (if they have it) or I just leave them on the bed. But that's a completely reasonable to ask about.
Bring a gift initially (wine/etc. is good) and maybe have one to leave at the end (a consumable or an activity).
Also understand if the people you're staying with want space or don't necessarily want to be social. Everyone is different!
Mostly, though, I try to leave the places I've been better than I found them. You can be comfortable but be the best version of yourself.
posted by edencosmic at 6:06 PM on September 4 [1 favorite]
Lots of great suggestions. I just wanted to add a vote for presenting the gift on arrival, and leaving thank you note at the end.
posted by hworth at 10:33 PM on September 4
posted by hworth at 10:33 PM on September 4
the secret to being a good guest is not to be a burden on the host, but also not to trample on how they like to do things.
Reminding yourself that you're there because they want you there is good too. Responding to being invited to somebody else's place by twisting yourself into a pretzel in pursuit of Perfect Houseguestness is counterproductive.
Trust your host to let you know what expectations they have of you if any, defer graciously to their preferences if there's any conflict about how either of you conducts yourself while you're in their space, and you will be invited back again.
As a matter of general policy, leaving any shared space slightly tidier than it was before you started using it is almost always sound. But if you've moved an object, and it has mysteriously moved back to where it was by the next time you see it, just leave it there.
I love my sister dearly, and when she visits she always does this huge tidy-up before she leaves even though I've told her repeatedly and explicitly that there's no need, and sometimes it takes months to find something I need that she's "put away" in a spot that makes perfect sense to her. Everybody has their own perception of what constitutes a harmonious arrangement of objects, and although imposing yours on your host is not rude exactly, it is kind of annoying.
posted by flabdablet at 12:43 AM on September 5 [2 favorites]
Reminding yourself that you're there because they want you there is good too. Responding to being invited to somebody else's place by twisting yourself into a pretzel in pursuit of Perfect Houseguestness is counterproductive.
Trust your host to let you know what expectations they have of you if any, defer graciously to their preferences if there's any conflict about how either of you conducts yourself while you're in their space, and you will be invited back again.
As a matter of general policy, leaving any shared space slightly tidier than it was before you started using it is almost always sound. But if you've moved an object, and it has mysteriously moved back to where it was by the next time you see it, just leave it there.
I love my sister dearly, and when she visits she always does this huge tidy-up before she leaves even though I've told her repeatedly and explicitly that there's no need, and sometimes it takes months to find something I need that she's "put away" in a spot that makes perfect sense to her. Everybody has their own perception of what constitutes a harmonious arrangement of objects, and although imposing yours on your host is not rude exactly, it is kind of annoying.
posted by flabdablet at 12:43 AM on September 5 [2 favorites]
Take people at their word about things like ‚helping yourself‘, dishes, sheets etc. Just because you get antsy when you have a used dish in the sink for more than 5 mins does not mean your host‘s request to leave dishes for them to do later should be ignored.
The other side of that is that you don’t open the bottle of expensive champagne, finish the last of the chocolate or start an impromptu cookout at lunch with what is clearly the dinner supplies. You‘ll know they are dinner supplies because you have talked about plans for the day and shared meals.
Don’t expect to be entertained the whole time. Agree what time you’ll spend together and do your own thing otherwise. If you have plans for your visit share those so people can plan their days.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:49 AM on September 5 [1 favorite]
The other side of that is that you don’t open the bottle of expensive champagne, finish the last of the chocolate or start an impromptu cookout at lunch with what is clearly the dinner supplies. You‘ll know they are dinner supplies because you have talked about plans for the day and shared meals.
Don’t expect to be entertained the whole time. Agree what time you’ll spend together and do your own thing otherwise. If you have plans for your visit share those so people can plan their days.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:49 AM on September 5 [1 favorite]
Seconding luzedeluna. I have a lot of houseguests, and the most stressful part for me is not knowing their plans. One time, my sister gave me the impression that we were going to go out and do something. Instead she stayed inside her room the entire day while I'm sitting there ready to go and wondering what was going on. COMMUNICATE!!
posted by tofu_crouton at 8:02 AM on September 5 [1 favorite]
posted by tofu_crouton at 8:02 AM on September 5 [1 favorite]
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
If I were going out to eat with my host, I would pick up the check.
Physically, I would make sure to hang the towels carefully, not leave things around in common space, make the bed each day before going out. Wouldn't drink the last of the coffee without making fresh.
When leaving, I would strip the bed and ask if I should run the laundry or put the linens somewhere. Keep the bathroom neat.
Basically, the secret to being a good guest is not to be a burden on the host, but also not to trample on how they like to do things.
posted by suelac at 3:14 PM on September 4 [8 favorites]