Wedding Verbal Jujitsu
July 22, 2024 11:51 AM
Please help me develop a polite, pithy, and positive response to the inevitable questions that I will likely receive at my half-brother’s upcoming wedding regarding why I am not in the wedding party.
I am the only child from my parents’ first marriage. When I was a young kid, my dad moved 5,000 km away and started a new family, having three additional kids with his second wife.
One of these half-siblings of mine is getting married soon. Travis and I have always had a warm, friendly, and relaxed relationship. He is a good guy. I would usually see him on average once a year during his childhood, and maybe once every few years after that.. He is 17 years younger than I am.
For Travis’s upcoming wedding that I have been invited to, his two full-blooded siblings are in the wedding party, and I am not. Although learning about this made me a bit hurt, I get it. We didn’t grow up together. We are only half-brothers. We have different mothers. We are not extremely close. It’s understandable. So, on a rational level I am okay with this (though emotionally I am still coming to terms with it).
However, I am not looking forward to what I anticipate will be the questions about this that I will likely have to field from my extended family. My absence from the wedding party, in contrast to the presence of my father's two other children, will be extremely conspicuous to everyone in the family.
I am almost positive that I will repeatedly get the question: “Why aren’t/weren’t you in the wedding party?”
I feel like people will be pitying me with this question. I don’t want these questions and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me! It’s also possible that someone might use this as a way to sort of take a dig at me. I’m worried that this question might provoke in me a downward spiral at an event that is already fraught with emotional landmines for me in the form of reminders of childhood trauma.
I am looking for a polite, pithy, and positive response to this likely question. I want to show that I am fine with the situation, that it is no big deal, and that I couldn’t possibly care less (not exactly the truth, but I just want to be positive and drama-free). A sort of “what, me worry?” type of response to this question, whether it is asked with either a pitying or insulting intent. I just want to be able to say something gracious, light, and possibly humorous, with a smile on my face, and be able to change the subject immediately.
At first I was thinking of responding to this with, “we’re only half-brothers,” but this not the most positive thing to say (although this is really the most truthful answer), and if Travis hears that I have been saying this, he might be taken aback, thinking I am denigrating whatever our relationship is. Or maybe this is just the best response? I also thought of just saying nothing and looking at the questioner in the eyes, since this would be a rude question. But this would create an uncomfortable moment. And then it would be obvious that it bothers me, and I don’t want to show any vulnerability.
I will feel so emotionally helpless at this wedding. But I am aware that the world does not revolve around me. I just want to show up for Travis and make it through the ceremony and reception emotionally unscathed. I want to be positive, supportive, friendly, and unimpeachable. I want him to have good memories of me being there.
I have a good life, and I am living my dreams, which is clear to everyone in my family. But I have been obsessing about this upcoming wedding and it is causing a lot of anxiety. This is so much worse than the anxiety about an upcoming root canal. I will be so relieved when it is over.
Please help!
I am the only child from my parents’ first marriage. When I was a young kid, my dad moved 5,000 km away and started a new family, having three additional kids with his second wife.
One of these half-siblings of mine is getting married soon. Travis and I have always had a warm, friendly, and relaxed relationship. He is a good guy. I would usually see him on average once a year during his childhood, and maybe once every few years after that.. He is 17 years younger than I am.
For Travis’s upcoming wedding that I have been invited to, his two full-blooded siblings are in the wedding party, and I am not. Although learning about this made me a bit hurt, I get it. We didn’t grow up together. We are only half-brothers. We have different mothers. We are not extremely close. It’s understandable. So, on a rational level I am okay with this (though emotionally I am still coming to terms with it).
However, I am not looking forward to what I anticipate will be the questions about this that I will likely have to field from my extended family. My absence from the wedding party, in contrast to the presence of my father's two other children, will be extremely conspicuous to everyone in the family.
I am almost positive that I will repeatedly get the question: “Why aren’t/weren’t you in the wedding party?”
I feel like people will be pitying me with this question. I don’t want these questions and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me! It’s also possible that someone might use this as a way to sort of take a dig at me. I’m worried that this question might provoke in me a downward spiral at an event that is already fraught with emotional landmines for me in the form of reminders of childhood trauma.
I am looking for a polite, pithy, and positive response to this likely question. I want to show that I am fine with the situation, that it is no big deal, and that I couldn’t possibly care less (not exactly the truth, but I just want to be positive and drama-free). A sort of “what, me worry?” type of response to this question, whether it is asked with either a pitying or insulting intent. I just want to be able to say something gracious, light, and possibly humorous, with a smile on my face, and be able to change the subject immediately.
At first I was thinking of responding to this with, “we’re only half-brothers,” but this not the most positive thing to say (although this is really the most truthful answer), and if Travis hears that I have been saying this, he might be taken aback, thinking I am denigrating whatever our relationship is. Or maybe this is just the best response? I also thought of just saying nothing and looking at the questioner in the eyes, since this would be a rude question. But this would create an uncomfortable moment. And then it would be obvious that it bothers me, and I don’t want to show any vulnerability.
I will feel so emotionally helpless at this wedding. But I am aware that the world does not revolve around me. I just want to show up for Travis and make it through the ceremony and reception emotionally unscathed. I want to be positive, supportive, friendly, and unimpeachable. I want him to have good memories of me being there.
I have a good life, and I am living my dreams, which is clear to everyone in my family. But I have been obsessing about this upcoming wedding and it is causing a lot of anxiety. This is so much worse than the anxiety about an upcoming root canal. I will be so relieved when it is over.
Please help!
He’s got two great brothers who are already in the wedding party. They’re doing a great job!
You’re there to fully support the groom because you love him, and indeed you are doing that by attending, being pleasant, etc.
posted by nat at 11:55 AM on July 22
You’re there to fully support the groom because you love him, and indeed you are doing that by attending, being pleasant, etc.
posted by nat at 11:55 AM on July 22
You know your family, but I think in most families, the odds of you being asked this question are very low. Very low.
But if it happens, you can always say, “oh, you’d have to ask him! It can be so hard to find the right balance of groomsmen for bridesmaids,” which I think would end the conversation by making it clear you don’t know the answer (but are operating under a kindhearted assumption and aren’t mad about this).
posted by moosetracks at 11:57 AM on July 22
But if it happens, you can always say, “oh, you’d have to ask him! It can be so hard to find the right balance of groomsmen for bridesmaids,” which I think would end the conversation by making it clear you don’t know the answer (but are operating under a kindhearted assumption and aren’t mad about this).
posted by moosetracks at 11:57 AM on July 22
If I asked that question, it would be because of a momentary attack of stupidity. Please don't try to read the minds of people who ask, because they probably weren't thinking.
I'm happy to be a guest!
I have secret wedding duties.
I'm the director of rice-throwing.
posted by wryly at 12:08 PM on July 22
I'm happy to be a guest!
I have secret wedding duties.
I'm the director of rice-throwing.
posted by wryly at 12:08 PM on July 22
The cut-direct, return-awkward-to-sender response, if you're up for it, could be something like "Hm. Why do you ask?"
posted by humbug at 12:13 PM on July 22
posted by humbug at 12:13 PM on July 22
You could always deflect with silliness and laugh it off, "Are you kidding?! That would trigger the fairy curse and we'd all be doomed! It's dangerous to even talk about it!"
posted by indexy at 12:19 PM on July 22
posted by indexy at 12:19 PM on July 22
I'm on team "it would be rude to ask."
If someone does ask, I'd reply with "I'm not sure. I didn't think it would be polite to ask. It's his wedding, after all. I'm just happy to be here."
posted by Winnie the Proust at 12:19 PM on July 22
If someone does ask, I'd reply with "I'm not sure. I didn't think it would be polite to ask. It's his wedding, after all. I'm just happy to be here."
posted by Winnie the Proust at 12:19 PM on July 22
"Too complicated logistically"
"Two's company, three's a crowd" (potentially might be seen as denigrating something somewhere?)
"Can't have everything! Doesn't the [bride/groom/wedding area/cake] look amazing?"
"Aw, thanks for asking. How's your [partner/kid/job]? What have you all been up to! It's been so long!"
"What?! So much handsomeness in one place and you'd all need sunglasses."
posted by trig at 12:22 PM on July 22
"Two's company, three's a crowd" (potentially might be seen as denigrating something somewhere?)
"Can't have everything! Doesn't the [bride/groom/wedding area/cake] look amazing?"
"Aw, thanks for asking. How's your [partner/kid/job]? What have you all been up to! It's been so long!"
"What?! So much handsomeness in one place and you'd all need sunglasses."
posted by trig at 12:22 PM on July 22
"Oh, I think he made a great choice with his wedding party!" Smile breezily. Let the awkwardness sit. You didn't make it awkward.
posted by disconnect at 12:22 PM on July 22
posted by disconnect at 12:22 PM on July 22
Something like
“We have a great relationship but we didn’t grow up together”
“We didn’t grow up together so this just felt right to us”
“Given the age gap I’m more of an uncle to him than a brother”
Agreed that it’s a very rude/inappropriate question and I hope you aren’t asked!
posted by maleficent at 12:23 PM on July 22
“We have a great relationship but we didn’t grow up together”
“We didn’t grow up together so this just felt right to us”
“Given the age gap I’m more of an uncle to him than a brother”
Agreed that it’s a very rude/inappropriate question and I hope you aren’t asked!
posted by maleficent at 12:23 PM on July 22
Whatever you say, don't say anything that puts any blame on your half-brother.
I have no idea what how the wedding will go, but if it were me, I'd say something like "I feel [ridiculous in a tux|self-conscious in front of a crowd], $BROTHER knows it and gave me an out."
posted by adamrice at 12:32 PM on July 22
I have no idea what how the wedding will go, but if it were me, I'd say something like "I feel [ridiculous in a tux|self-conscious in front of a crowd], $BROTHER knows it and gave me an out."
posted by adamrice at 12:32 PM on July 22
This is an incredibly rude question and I hope no one asks.
I’d just say “I’m AT the party!” and if they keep going, said “well that’s a weird question” and then change the subject. My rationale for the first is, when people are trying to provoke some kind of emotion/family angst, often taking things to a very literal level kind of stops them. Because it’s a technical answer and doesn’t give their little passion play any breathing space.
Also never be afraid of strategically going to get water or go to the bathroom or other.
Gratuitous: I think you are going in with a great attitude. Try to build in some breaks or comforts for yourself…go for a walk between the ceremony and the reception, hide out and text a friend silly memes, pretend you’re in a really bad version of Four Weddings and a Funeral, imagine the wedding scene from A Princess Bride. You’ve got this.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:42 PM on July 22
I’d just say “I’m AT the party!” and if they keep going, said “well that’s a weird question” and then change the subject. My rationale for the first is, when people are trying to provoke some kind of emotion/family angst, often taking things to a very literal level kind of stops them. Because it’s a technical answer and doesn’t give their little passion play any breathing space.
Also never be afraid of strategically going to get water or go to the bathroom or other.
Gratuitous: I think you are going in with a great attitude. Try to build in some breaks or comforts for yourself…go for a walk between the ceremony and the reception, hide out and text a friend silly memes, pretend you’re in a really bad version of Four Weddings and a Funeral, imagine the wedding scene from A Princess Bride. You’ve got this.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:42 PM on July 22
"What are you hoping to get out of this question?" with a slight head tilt
posted by tafetta, darling! at 12:45 PM on July 22
posted by tafetta, darling! at 12:45 PM on July 22
"Oh, [names of Travis's full siblings] are holding it down nicely, don't you think? Isn't Travis great?"
I hope it's just the stress of the situation that's making you think you'll be asked this. It's WAY out of bounds.
posted by *s at 12:47 PM on July 22
I hope it's just the stress of the situation that's making you think you'll be asked this. It's WAY out of bounds.
posted by *s at 12:47 PM on July 22
It's unlikely to be asked, but having something in your pocket can help ease the anxiety. Go jokey.
"He didn't want someone that looks better in a suit up there with him." (This is not funny if people think you're serious.)
"I - Huh. Now that you mention it, I guess all his other siblings are up there. Wait - do you think he's mad at me?" (Over the top sincerity here, making the other person nervous that they've stirred up drama by accident. Then laugh to break the tension.)
posted by Garm at 12:49 PM on July 22
"He didn't want someone that looks better in a suit up there with him." (This is not funny if people think you're serious.)
"I - Huh. Now that you mention it, I guess all his other siblings are up there. Wait - do you think he's mad at me?" (Over the top sincerity here, making the other person nervous that they've stirred up drama by accident. Then laugh to break the tension.)
posted by Garm at 12:49 PM on July 22
"I love Travis to bits, but we didn't grow up together" is probably the most honest answer, it's straight enough it should make the asker feel slightly rude, but casts no shade on either of you or your relationship. I'm ten years older than all my cousins so I could well end up in a type of generational exclusion, also being more like an Uncle, which is good phrasing too.
If you're feeling spicy and it's someone you know will get the reference and take it right, "I'm the Connor of the family" #succession.
posted by Iteki at 12:51 PM on July 22
If you're feeling spicy and it's someone you know will get the reference and take it right, "I'm the Connor of the family" #succession.
posted by Iteki at 12:51 PM on July 22
“Travis and I are close but we didn’t grow up together the way he did with Bob and Joe.” It’s generous, simple and honest.
posted by vunder at 12:51 PM on July 22
posted by vunder at 12:51 PM on July 22
“I honestly don’t know. You could ask Travis if you need to know, but i don’t. Now, would you invite me to the bar?”
posted by armoir from antproof case at 12:53 PM on July 22
posted by armoir from antproof case at 12:53 PM on July 22
Agreed that this inappropriate question, if it comes up, does not deserve any kind of real response.
"Oh, we all agreed I'm far too handsome, it just wouldn't be fair to the groom". (With a big "go F yourself" smile)
posted by hovey at 12:53 PM on July 22
"Oh, we all agreed I'm far too handsome, it just wouldn't be fair to the groom". (With a big "go F yourself" smile)
posted by hovey at 12:53 PM on July 22
Loving everyone else's suggestions here, and can't think of anything to beat them - but just wanted to say that I hope the wedding goes really well, and that nobody's rude enough to ask this. (But it's cool that you have so many great potential answers if they do!)
posted by eternalhedgehog at 1:00 PM on July 22
posted by eternalhedgehog at 1:00 PM on July 22
I hear you working for hard to be mature and accepting around a decision that stung a bit, So, I would make you answer as simple as possible. To pull off a joke requires you to be in a relaxed, confident place and a joke which lands badly just makes things worse so I would avoid humor unless it comes very naturally to you.
I think some of the answers above which just mention that you two didn't grow up together could work since it sounds like that would feel true to you.
or you could say "It's just one of those things" and then change the subject by commenting on something else like how beautiful the decorations.
You don't owe anyone an answer just because they asked. If they have any manners they will follow your lead and change the subject even though you didn't actually answer the question.
If they push, then you know that they are genuinely being rude, totally clueless or trying to stir up trouble. I would call it out by saying something like
"Are you trying to create drama here? Travis and I are good. Let's talk about something more interesting"
I would hope your fears are more based on your anxiety than your actual family (although you know your family and I'm just an internet stranger) but regardless of how likely it is, I think you are doing a good job of managing some complicated feelings. Good luck!
posted by metahawk at 1:59 PM on July 22
I think some of the answers above which just mention that you two didn't grow up together could work since it sounds like that would feel true to you.
or you could say "It's just one of those things" and then change the subject by commenting on something else like how beautiful the decorations.
You don't owe anyone an answer just because they asked. If they have any manners they will follow your lead and change the subject even though you didn't actually answer the question.
If they push, then you know that they are genuinely being rude, totally clueless or trying to stir up trouble. I would call it out by saying something like
"Are you trying to create drama here? Travis and I are good. Let's talk about something more interesting"
I would hope your fears are more based on your anxiety than your actual family (although you know your family and I'm just an internet stranger) but regardless of how likely it is, I think you are doing a good job of managing some complicated feelings. Good luck!
posted by metahawk at 1:59 PM on July 22
It's really unlikely anyone will ask. It's pretty typical to have far more family and close friends than reasonable wedding party slots. But yes, if anyone is rude enough to ask, the most graceful answer for everyone involved is a vague one suggesting a) it's nobody's fault b) it's not gossipworthy c) you're nothing less than totally pleased for your brother and everyone else involved.
You do not have to say he didn't ask you! You can say something like "ah, well, my job can be really unpredictable with travel so I wasn't a good candidate; I'm so glad I'm here at all, what a lovely wedding!" in a hand-wavy way and it leaves the impression that you were asked but couldn't commit because of life stuff and now Travis looks good, you look good, it kind of shifts the focus at the end of the explanation to being glad you're there.
If anyone gives you a hard time about ANYTHING, a nice pointed "wasn't it a lovely wedding/isn't this a lovely reception" is your universal escape hatch.
It is very common in this day and age that people who would have happily stood up - including people who were asked - to have time and/or money commitments that are incompatible with the usual requirements of a wedding party, and it is also considered bad manners to give those people a hard time about it.
If you have shitty gossippy family, they may well talk behind your back, but your only obligation here is to personally give them no good material.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:11 PM on July 22
You do not have to say he didn't ask you! You can say something like "ah, well, my job can be really unpredictable with travel so I wasn't a good candidate; I'm so glad I'm here at all, what a lovely wedding!" in a hand-wavy way and it leaves the impression that you were asked but couldn't commit because of life stuff and now Travis looks good, you look good, it kind of shifts the focus at the end of the explanation to being glad you're there.
If anyone gives you a hard time about ANYTHING, a nice pointed "wasn't it a lovely wedding/isn't this a lovely reception" is your universal escape hatch.
It is very common in this day and age that people who would have happily stood up - including people who were asked - to have time and/or money commitments that are incompatible with the usual requirements of a wedding party, and it is also considered bad manners to give those people a hard time about it.
If you have shitty gossippy family, they may well talk behind your back, but your only obligation here is to personally give them no good material.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:11 PM on July 22
What you want, I infer, is to NOT have people pay attention to this matter. So any answer that returns the awkward to sender or implies there is some rudeness or bad feeling is the opposite of what you want because it focuses people's attention.
What you say is less important than how you say it. Go for breezy and friendly, like of course this is no big deal. And have a segue prepared to change the topic immediately afterwards.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:23 PM on July 22
What you say is less important than how you say it. Go for breezy and friendly, like of course this is no big deal. And have a segue prepared to change the topic immediately afterwards.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:23 PM on July 22
It’s unlikely they will, but if anyone asks you this question, either they’re very rude or it’s a brain fart moment (more excusable but no less inappropriate).
Because you can’t necessarily be sure which it is, I think you should just go with a non-answer that isn’t a lie. “Yeah, the wedding party looks amazing, don’t they! I’m so happy for them.” Sure, you didn’t answer the question, but no one should be asking it anyway.
This answer is good because it suits both situations: if the person who asked it was just having a foot-in-mouth moment, it allows you both to graciously pretend they didn’t say something awkward. But if the person was actually trying to fish for gossip/stir up drama, you are also politely indicating that you aren’t interested in doing that.
I would not get into answers that talk about your and your brother’s relationship, or offer some kind of explanation like you are busy or live far away or whatever. It’s not a question that requires anything resembling a sincere answer. Nor would I shoot back anything pointing out how rude the person was or asking why they’d ask a question like that. It’s a wedding, it’s not about you or the person asking, and a simple evasion is fine. Even if the person continues to press you on it, you can just say one more time “isn’t this a lovely wedding” and then excuse yourself to go talk to someone else or go to the bathroom or whatever. Then avoid that person for the rest of the evening.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:25 PM on July 22
Because you can’t necessarily be sure which it is, I think you should just go with a non-answer that isn’t a lie. “Yeah, the wedding party looks amazing, don’t they! I’m so happy for them.” Sure, you didn’t answer the question, but no one should be asking it anyway.
This answer is good because it suits both situations: if the person who asked it was just having a foot-in-mouth moment, it allows you both to graciously pretend they didn’t say something awkward. But if the person was actually trying to fish for gossip/stir up drama, you are also politely indicating that you aren’t interested in doing that.
I would not get into answers that talk about your and your brother’s relationship, or offer some kind of explanation like you are busy or live far away or whatever. It’s not a question that requires anything resembling a sincere answer. Nor would I shoot back anything pointing out how rude the person was or asking why they’d ask a question like that. It’s a wedding, it’s not about you or the person asking, and a simple evasion is fine. Even if the person continues to press you on it, you can just say one more time “isn’t this a lovely wedding” and then excuse yourself to go talk to someone else or go to the bathroom or whatever. Then avoid that person for the rest of the evening.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:25 PM on July 22
I don’t think they’ll ask either.
But if they do, and you happen not to be married yourself, say ‘I thought that if I could move around a bit more freely, I’d have a better chance of catching the bouquet!'
posted by jamjam at 2:26 PM on July 22
But if they do, and you happen not to be married yourself, say ‘I thought that if I could move around a bit more freely, I’d have a better chance of catching the bouquet!'
posted by jamjam at 2:26 PM on July 22
One of the great things about weddings is the tradition of awful humor as part of an earnest and sentimental gathering.
"Technically I'm Travis's half-brother - so I'd have to be up there in half a tux, and nobody needs to see that."
- Explains actual relationship so people can figure it out on their own
- But in a light way that implies you're OK with it
- Is an awful joke
3 out of 3!
posted by sol at 2:36 PM on July 22
"Technically I'm Travis's half-brother - so I'd have to be up there in half a tux, and nobody needs to see that."
- Explains actual relationship so people can figure it out on their own
- But in a light way that implies you're OK with it
- Is an awful joke
3 out of 3!
posted by sol at 2:36 PM on July 22
Agree that people are very unlikely to ask this question, because it's hurtful and rude. I've been at weddings where I was a little hurt not to be in the wedding party and I braced myself for this with a prepared answer just so I wouldn't have to be like "well, I guess she just doesn't like me very much after all," but nobody asked.
posted by potrzebie at 3:45 PM on July 22
posted by potrzebie at 3:45 PM on July 22
I like a friendly perplexed look and a curious sounding “excuse me?” like I believe I must have misheard you.
Then, if the person repeats the inappropriate question, I smile, make a laughing type sound, and talk about something else. I think the suggestions others have made about just making pretty wedding conversation like - doesn’t everyone look smashing or isn’t this a fab venue are perfect.
posted by hilaryjade at 3:46 PM on July 22
Then, if the person repeats the inappropriate question, I smile, make a laughing type sound, and talk about something else. I think the suggestions others have made about just making pretty wedding conversation like - doesn’t everyone look smashing or isn’t this a fab venue are perfect.
posted by hilaryjade at 3:46 PM on July 22
Maybe just shrug and say "oh, you know" with a kind of friendly vague gesture and compliment their earrings/handlebar moustache/fascinator.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:57 PM on July 22
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:57 PM on July 22
I'd go with a mildly dismissive but affable: "Don't even worry. Everything's cool."
posted by Depressed Obese Nightmare Man at 4:52 PM on July 22
posted by Depressed Obese Nightmare Man at 4:52 PM on July 22
"Ah, you know," dismissive wave, "wedding logistics."
If you're feeling spicy after the fifth time and want to go return-to-sender: bemused "Huh, that's an odd question to ask." But really I don't think anyone's going to ask!
posted by praemunire at 4:54 PM on July 22
If you're feeling spicy after the fifth time and want to go return-to-sender: bemused "Huh, that's an odd question to ask." But really I don't think anyone's going to ask!
posted by praemunire at 4:54 PM on July 22
Some others have noted that this is a weird and slightly rude question. That doesn't mean no one will ask, but it does mean that they don't deserve a real answer. I would go with something like "Have you ever planned a wedding?" or "I can see you've never had the pleasure of planning a wedding before."
Or just "Oh, man. Wedding logistics are never easy." I put my +1 on "That's an odd question to ask." but "huh?" is also a totally valid response. As is "It's certainly not something I'm worried about." which you can punctuate with a shrug. "I didn't ask. But it was a beautiful ceremony, wasn't it?" See also: "Geez, what kind of question is that?" or "That is a hell of a question."
The logistics of trying to map out who is included and how are impossible. And every choice has ripple effects. Maybe the bride has one of those friend groups where she could either have two attendants or seven, but there's no way to have three without stirring up trouble, so two each is where they landed. Maybe he wanted to ask you but you were busy traveling around Serbia or he thought you couldn't afford a tux. Maybe the bride has six half siblings who she emphatically didn't want to include so they agreed on "full siblings only."
Anyone who is asking is looking for drama. They're not being cool, so you don't have to worry about what they think.
posted by amandabee at 5:07 PM on July 22
Or just "Oh, man. Wedding logistics are never easy." I put my +1 on "That's an odd question to ask." but "huh?" is also a totally valid response. As is "It's certainly not something I'm worried about." which you can punctuate with a shrug. "I didn't ask. But it was a beautiful ceremony, wasn't it?" See also: "Geez, what kind of question is that?" or "That is a hell of a question."
The logistics of trying to map out who is included and how are impossible. And every choice has ripple effects. Maybe the bride has one of those friend groups where she could either have two attendants or seven, but there's no way to have three without stirring up trouble, so two each is where they landed. Maybe he wanted to ask you but you were busy traveling around Serbia or he thought you couldn't afford a tux. Maybe the bride has six half siblings who she emphatically didn't want to include so they agreed on "full siblings only."
Anyone who is asking is looking for drama. They're not being cool, so you don't have to worry about what they think.
posted by amandabee at 5:07 PM on July 22
The only people who would ask someone why they weren't in a wedding is if they were jerks or if they were socially awkward. You're probably going to be able to tell one from the other. I'm a big believer of not giving jerks what they want — a panicked reaction — and give socially awkward people a nudge toward recognizing that it's not a cool question, but you're not going to make them feel bad about it.
If someone is being a dick about it, I'd tilt my head as if they'd asked you why you were not floating up at the ceiling, and maybe even say, "Pardon?" If they push, you can say, "I'm afraid I don't understand the question. Aren't the vast majority of people here not in the wedding party? You're not, right?" But be very careful to look at this person like they've asked a mystifying question.
If someone is just socially awkward and doesn't know they're asking a question they ought not, you're best using one of the example above, but start it with, "Oh, gosh!" As in, "Oh, gosh, there are so many roles for family and friends, for standing up in the party and for things behind the scenes. I don't know if you've ever planned a wedding, but it's dizzying to figure out who is the best person for each role and there are too many you could pick for this and not enough for that..." and you can keep perkily saying random things until t hey go, "Oh, will you look at the time?"
But again, it's going to depend on tone and intent. But you not being picked to be IN the wedding is likely because your brother figured it would be annoying and weird for you to be obligated -- and being in a wedding is as much an obligation as a delight -- and nothing to do with how he feels about you.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 5:46 PM on July 22
If someone is being a dick about it, I'd tilt my head as if they'd asked you why you were not floating up at the ceiling, and maybe even say, "Pardon?" If they push, you can say, "I'm afraid I don't understand the question. Aren't the vast majority of people here not in the wedding party? You're not, right?" But be very careful to look at this person like they've asked a mystifying question.
If someone is just socially awkward and doesn't know they're asking a question they ought not, you're best using one of the example above, but start it with, "Oh, gosh!" As in, "Oh, gosh, there are so many roles for family and friends, for standing up in the party and for things behind the scenes. I don't know if you've ever planned a wedding, but it's dizzying to figure out who is the best person for each role and there are too many you could pick for this and not enough for that..." and you can keep perkily saying random things until t hey go, "Oh, will you look at the time?"
But again, it's going to depend on tone and intent. But you not being picked to be IN the wedding is likely because your brother figured it would be annoying and weird for you to be obligated -- and being in a wedding is as much an obligation as a delight -- and nothing to do with how he feels about you.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 5:46 PM on July 22
"I'm not a big wedding party person."
or
"I swore off being in other people's weddings years ago. When it's my time, I'm going to elope."
posted by yellowcandy at 6:48 PM on July 22
or
"I swore off being in other people's weddings years ago. When it's my time, I'm going to elope."
posted by yellowcandy at 6:48 PM on July 22
Seconding what Moosetracks said - I honestly do NOT think you are going to get that question at all. I mean, I didn't get that question at my brother's wedding - I wasn't in their wedding party either, and I am his only sibling. Not a single person asked me why I wasn't in the official wedding party. I did do a reading during the service, so it's possible people didn't ask because they thought that counted. If you're helping in some other way, that could also placate people.
However, I think it's telling that you are even asking this question. You say in your initial question that you will be "emotionally vulnerable" but then say that you want to convey that you are "fine" with not being asked to be in the party. I'm wondering if maybe you're concerned other people will ask you about this because deep down you maybe are still processing this yourself. If you think that might be the case, I'd actually work on processing that for your own self; you very well may intellectually understand why your brother didn't ask you, but you may still have a corner of your brain that's pouting and saying "but it's not fair" And that's the corner of your brain that might be making you ask this question.
So I honestly and sincerely wouldn't worry that you'll be getting this question in the first place. If any one DOES ask you - and I think it'll be rare if you do - you could simply say that you're doing other things to support the wedding and leave it at that. And I'd reflect on processing how you're feeling about this as well.
If it helps to hear I discovered that "Sibling Of The Groom" is one of the easiest roles to play at a wedding, because you've got the VIP status from being related to one of the couple, but you don't have to DO jack-diddley. My parents, my brother, and the bride's family spent the two days before the wedding scurrying around the Vermont town where all the festivities were getting everything sorted out, and I spent those same two days going on hikes, lying by a pool and visiting an alpaca farm. I'd have helped if they asked, of course, but they didn't, so....win!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:40 PM on July 22
However, I think it's telling that you are even asking this question. You say in your initial question that you will be "emotionally vulnerable" but then say that you want to convey that you are "fine" with not being asked to be in the party. I'm wondering if maybe you're concerned other people will ask you about this because deep down you maybe are still processing this yourself. If you think that might be the case, I'd actually work on processing that for your own self; you very well may intellectually understand why your brother didn't ask you, but you may still have a corner of your brain that's pouting and saying "but it's not fair" And that's the corner of your brain that might be making you ask this question.
So I honestly and sincerely wouldn't worry that you'll be getting this question in the first place. If any one DOES ask you - and I think it'll be rare if you do - you could simply say that you're doing other things to support the wedding and leave it at that. And I'd reflect on processing how you're feeling about this as well.
If it helps to hear I discovered that "Sibling Of The Groom" is one of the easiest roles to play at a wedding, because you've got the VIP status from being related to one of the couple, but you don't have to DO jack-diddley. My parents, my brother, and the bride's family spent the two days before the wedding scurrying around the Vermont town where all the festivities were getting everything sorted out, and I spent those same two days going on hikes, lying by a pool and visiting an alpaca farm. I'd have helped if they asked, of course, but they didn't, so....win!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:40 PM on July 22
Beyoncé used to be in a band called Destiny's Child with Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams, who are still two of her best friends; they sometimes still appear as a trio, and usually if Beyoncé mentions one of them, she mentions both of them. Kelly and Michelle are very much branded as a duo - and both seen as Beyoncé's very close longtime friends, since their teens.
But few years ago, Beyonce made a lovely music video for her song Brown Skinned Girl - and she cast Kelly in it, but not Michelle.
This was CONSPICUOUS. I imagine it must have been devastating for Michelle. EVERYONE noticed; music insiders, fans, gossip rags. But Michelle held her head high and celebrated her friends by posting the photo of Beyonce and Kelly prominently on her Instagram. People asked Michelle about it on Instagram and she just gave a pithy little comeback and kept her head up. All music fans respected her more as a result.
Any time I feel insecure or left out, I just think, if Michelle could handle that, I can handle whatever!
In your shoes, if someone asks this horribly rude and I hope unlikely question, I would say, "I think he picked the perfect wedding party!" and then add on a compliment to the wedding party, like "Don't they look cool in those ties," or "Wasn't their entrance fun?"
If pressed beyond that I would say with innoncent pelplexed good humour, "I don't know, honestly, I would never ask a question like that! Why do you ask?"
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:07 AM on July 23
But few years ago, Beyonce made a lovely music video for her song Brown Skinned Girl - and she cast Kelly in it, but not Michelle.
This was CONSPICUOUS. I imagine it must have been devastating for Michelle. EVERYONE noticed; music insiders, fans, gossip rags. But Michelle held her head high and celebrated her friends by posting the photo of Beyonce and Kelly prominently on her Instagram. People asked Michelle about it on Instagram and she just gave a pithy little comeback and kept her head up. All music fans respected her more as a result.
Any time I feel insecure or left out, I just think, if Michelle could handle that, I can handle whatever!
In your shoes, if someone asks this horribly rude and I hope unlikely question, I would say, "I think he picked the perfect wedding party!" and then add on a compliment to the wedding party, like "Don't they look cool in those ties," or "Wasn't their entrance fun?"
If pressed beyond that I would say with innoncent pelplexed good humour, "I don't know, honestly, I would never ask a question like that! Why do you ask?"
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:07 AM on July 23
+ 1 it’s an incredibly rude question and I doubt anyone will ask.
And while I know you don’t want to throw the blame on your half-brother, but I warn you not to give a response that implies that he asked and you turned it down. It would be even more awkward if that got back to Travis.
I think a shrug with “we didn’t grow up together, and I’m happy to be here to support him as a guest” would be a fine response. You literally are more like an uncle (age gap and frequency of contact), and it’s hard to imagine fitting in to the wedding party with that kind of age gap.
The more I think about it, the more it feels obvious to me that you weren’t included, and barring any specific family tradition about all siblings getting a role in the wedding, I don’t think anyone will question it.
posted by itesser at 10:37 AM on July 23
And while I know you don’t want to throw the blame on your half-brother, but I warn you not to give a response that implies that he asked and you turned it down. It would be even more awkward if that got back to Travis.
I think a shrug with “we didn’t grow up together, and I’m happy to be here to support him as a guest” would be a fine response. You literally are more like an uncle (age gap and frequency of contact), and it’s hard to imagine fitting in to the wedding party with that kind of age gap.
The more I think about it, the more it feels obvious to me that you weren’t included, and barring any specific family tradition about all siblings getting a role in the wedding, I don’t think anyone will question it.
posted by itesser at 10:37 AM on July 23
"...and they wanted to have a small wedding party to keep things simple." can always be added to whatever explanation you give.
posted by AlSweigart at 3:01 PM on July 23
posted by AlSweigart at 3:01 PM on July 23
To nouvelle-personne:
I found this story very inspiring. Thank you so much :-)
posted by fenwaydirtdog at 9:30 PM on July 23
I found this story very inspiring. Thank you so much :-)
posted by fenwaydirtdog at 9:30 PM on July 23
I want to sincerely thank every one of you who has responded to my question.
Most importantly, your responses have mostly given me emotional support and have changed my attitude. I’ll go into the wedding from a position of strength now. I’m no longer dreading it. I’m actually looking forward to it.
There have been so many wonderful ideas you all have come up with, and I appreciate all of them!
Given my change in attitude about the wedding, if anyone asks me the question, I am just going to smile and say, truthfully, “I’m just happy to be here,” and then change the subject. If anyone continues with the line of questioning, I’ll just say, “Again, I’m just happy to be here, and I’m minding my own business.” I’ll give them a huge smile, and move on. I don’t care. I’ll be amused if someone asks.
Truly, your responses changed the entire situation in my mind. This was like the most effective therapy session I could possibly imagine.
The wedding will be in a month. After the wedding, I will include a final comment here regarding if this question was asked, and what happened.
Thank you again. I appreciate you all.
AskMetaFilter wins again!
posted by fenwaydirtdog at 9:32 PM on July 23
Most importantly, your responses have mostly given me emotional support and have changed my attitude. I’ll go into the wedding from a position of strength now. I’m no longer dreading it. I’m actually looking forward to it.
There have been so many wonderful ideas you all have come up with, and I appreciate all of them!
Given my change in attitude about the wedding, if anyone asks me the question, I am just going to smile and say, truthfully, “I’m just happy to be here,” and then change the subject. If anyone continues with the line of questioning, I’ll just say, “Again, I’m just happy to be here, and I’m minding my own business.” I’ll give them a huge smile, and move on. I don’t care. I’ll be amused if someone asks.
Truly, your responses changed the entire situation in my mind. This was like the most effective therapy session I could possibly imagine.
The wedding will be in a month. After the wedding, I will include a final comment here regarding if this question was asked, and what happened.
Thank you again. I appreciate you all.
AskMetaFilter wins again!
posted by fenwaydirtdog at 9:32 PM on July 23
I love it, attitude is everything!! Go have a good time. Weddings are often the one time your most difficult family is truly pressed to be on their best behavior, try to enjoy that while it lasts.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:46 AM on July 24
posted by Lyn Never at 8:46 AM on July 24
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posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 11:53 AM on July 22