Adulting with equality
May 27, 2024 7:41 PM Subscribe
Articles, videos, creators, posts that teach young adults about emotional labour, household labour, and how to be an equitable grownup?
So the metafilter megathread on emotional labour is great. I've read it all, more than once. But it is largely written by and from the perspective of middle-aged womxn. I'd like resources with examples that feel relevant to college kids/young adults. I have two daughters in this age group and they struggle with things like: male roommates who don't pick up after themselves, men from online dating sites who message them but then don't make any effort to carry a conversation, male friends who say things like "we should hang out" but then leave all the planning to them...you see the pattern here. They are frustrated! Who is speaking about these topics in ways they can relate to? And I don't just mean ranting; that's pretty easy to find. I'm looking for resources they can share with their (mostly) male friends, in the interest of educating them and improving their relationships with them. Let me know please. Thanks!
So the metafilter megathread on emotional labour is great. I've read it all, more than once. But it is largely written by and from the perspective of middle-aged womxn. I'd like resources with examples that feel relevant to college kids/young adults. I have two daughters in this age group and they struggle with things like: male roommates who don't pick up after themselves, men from online dating sites who message them but then don't make any effort to carry a conversation, male friends who say things like "we should hang out" but then leave all the planning to them...you see the pattern here. They are frustrated! Who is speaking about these topics in ways they can relate to? And I don't just mean ranting; that's pretty easy to find. I'm looking for resources they can share with their (mostly) male friends, in the interest of educating them and improving their relationships with them. Let me know please. Thanks!
men from online dating sites who message them but then don't make any effort to carry a conversation, male friends who say things like "we should hang out" but then leave all the planning to them...you see the pattern here.
For that one, the good old book he’s just not that into you helped me a lot - gave me radical permission to just nope right out of dating dynamics that weren’t to my liking. I know eons has changed since that book was written and since I was dating, but if she’s doing all the work then tell her don’t bother. And I do have dude friends who were bad for planning but I’d either tell them “dude you don’t plan shit, get your act together” or “ok i have no ideas you plan this one I’ll wait for you” or appreciate the other things they do bring to the friendship if it was worth it to me.
They should truly feel free to tell friends / roommates if they are loafing. “Mike pick your shit up you’re being a slob” is fine and the less we tap dance around their feelings by sending a nice inoffensive tik tok about it the better. (That being said +1 to the tik tok above it’s really funny!)
I mean it’s not for your daughters to emotional labor the teaching of the dudes - that was their parents jobs! - it’s for them to feel totally empowered to draw their own set of “bullshit I don’t stand for” codes and then unabashedly enact said codes. They can make a roommate agreement together with said roommate and enforce it even if other people get uncomfortable. That’s adulting.
Help your daughters value themselves and feel confident to express their views and needs and be strong in face of the butthurt. That’s adulting. It will serve them well in life!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:49 PM on May 27 [14 favorites]
For that one, the good old book he’s just not that into you helped me a lot - gave me radical permission to just nope right out of dating dynamics that weren’t to my liking. I know eons has changed since that book was written and since I was dating, but if she’s doing all the work then tell her don’t bother. And I do have dude friends who were bad for planning but I’d either tell them “dude you don’t plan shit, get your act together” or “ok i have no ideas you plan this one I’ll wait for you” or appreciate the other things they do bring to the friendship if it was worth it to me.
They should truly feel free to tell friends / roommates if they are loafing. “Mike pick your shit up you’re being a slob” is fine and the less we tap dance around their feelings by sending a nice inoffensive tik tok about it the better. (That being said +1 to the tik tok above it’s really funny!)
I mean it’s not for your daughters to emotional labor the teaching of the dudes - that was their parents jobs! - it’s for them to feel totally empowered to draw their own set of “bullshit I don’t stand for” codes and then unabashedly enact said codes. They can make a roommate agreement together with said roommate and enforce it even if other people get uncomfortable. That’s adulting.
Help your daughters value themselves and feel confident to express their views and needs and be strong in face of the butthurt. That’s adulting. It will serve them well in life!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:49 PM on May 27 [14 favorites]
There are two books by “Emma” and one is called the mental load, and then there is one more… they are called feminist comics I think and they explain things pretty well. I also read “I hate men” an essay by a French feminist that came out a few years ago and as someone not widely read on this topic until it effected me- I found it short and simple. I just wish the title wasn’t quite so strong.
posted by pairofshades at 12:43 AM on May 28 [1 favorite]
posted by pairofshades at 12:43 AM on May 28 [1 favorite]
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky covers this topic, including surfacing the invisible labor that often, but not always, is done by women that goes unappreciated.
There a card activity associated with the book where current responsibility for visible and invisible household labor is divvied up. Comparing the size of the card stacks visualizes differences in load and gives you a way to make it more equal. I haven’t done it but I know some people who have and it was a valuable exercise for them.
posted by scantee at 6:03 AM on May 28 [3 favorites]
There a card activity associated with the book where current responsibility for visible and invisible household labor is divvied up. Comparing the size of the card stacks visualizes differences in load and gives you a way to make it more equal. I haven’t done it but I know some people who have and it was a valuable exercise for them.
posted by scantee at 6:03 AM on May 28 [3 favorites]
This guy Zach pops up on my Instagram feed a lot and seems to be saying the right things.
posted by phunniemee at 6:40 AM on May 28
posted by phunniemee at 6:40 AM on May 28
men from online dating sites who message them but then don't make any effort to carry a conversation
This seems to hold true for every age group and I think the advice for all is: move on. If they're not putting effort, why should you? These are strangers, so there's no obligation to them to keep things going.
For friends and roommates, maybe this and this.
posted by foxjacket at 10:33 AM on May 28
This seems to hold true for every age group and I think the advice for all is: move on. If they're not putting effort, why should you? These are strangers, so there's no obligation to them to keep things going.
For friends and roommates, maybe this and this.
posted by foxjacket at 10:33 AM on May 28
Here are are the Fairplay cards scantee is referring too. I'm a fan.
posted by jeffjon at 8:08 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]
posted by jeffjon at 8:08 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]
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posted by third word on a random page at 8:30 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]