12 year old boy taking divorce hard
May 25, 2024 8:01 PM Subscribe
I just told my 12 year old son 3 days ago that his dad is going to be moving out, and he’s taking it very badly. He is very very sad. I don’t know why I didn’t anticipate this - I guess I thought he knew it was coming, but we must have done a better job hiding our conflict than I knew. Please tell me this gets better? How long did it take your kids?
...and let your son choose any animal. This is about him.
posted by amtho at 8:42 PM on May 25 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 8:42 PM on May 25 [1 favorite]
I mean, it's been three days, an amount of time one could still count in hours. Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but I'm hoping that you are not expecting a child to be able to easily take this information in, process it fully, and be ok any time soon. You've just given him information that has upended his whole concept of what his family is, and introduced a level of insecurity that I'm guessing he's never known until now. He probably doesn't understand his own levels of sadness at this point.
My daughter was 8 when her dad and I told her that we were separating. It was the second worst day of my life, only coming after when my mom died. The level of hurt and shock was excruciating. Her first comment was "I knew you were fighting a lot but I didn't think it was this bad"...so they do know. Kids are so much more observant than we give them credit for. However, I think a lot of kids have this idea that divorce won't happen in their family, so when it does it tilts their world to a crazy degree, and it can take a long time – and not be in any way linear – for it to re-correct to its new position.
My advice:
– Be mindful and observant of his behavior and emotions, and respond in ways that allow him to communicate with you and your ex as honestly as possible about how he's feeling – even if/when he's very angry about this huge change to his life. All emotions are valid here. If it's financially viable, research some therapists in your area in case he feels he needs a neutral party to talk to.
– As I mentioned above, the process may not be linear. He may be doing ok, and then something could happen that brings up a lot of these first emotions. Heads up for the holidays especially, because depending on your situation they can be awkward at best, depressing as absolute hell at worst.
– If possible, make a pact with the dad that you won't shit-talk each other. And get on board with how you're communicating on some of the more difficult questions.
– The more things you can keep the same for your son, at least for a while until he can begin to accept this new reality, the better. Things like changing schools, moving houses, etc. can add to the sense of destabilization, which can be so difficult for a kid. He needs to understand what will change though too. I'm a big believer in setting expectations for kids in general, and in this situation it's vital that he has a grasp on what is happening. And if it's possible to give him any agency as well, all the better. The idea of a pet as was mentioned in an earlier post is one idea, or allowing him to choose what to have for dinner, or re-doing his bedroom...anything that helps him feel anchored during this time of upheaval will help.
My daughter is almost a teen now and is doing great overall. She has learned that family can look many different ways, even when not together. I think it also helps to know other kids from divorced homes. I think she still has some sadness about it (and probably always will on some level), but I worked hard to give her that sense of stability and open communication, which continues to make all the difference.
Wow I guess I had more to say on this than I thought...short answer: this will be a difficult process. But it will get better. Listen to your son, and make sure he knows that he's allowed to be as sad as he needs to be – but also that it's ok to feel happy or find things funny at the same time. He needs to be reassured that he is loved and that he matters, and you and his dad get to be the people to do that for him.
posted by Molasses808 at 10:53 PM on May 25 [47 favorites]
My daughter was 8 when her dad and I told her that we were separating. It was the second worst day of my life, only coming after when my mom died. The level of hurt and shock was excruciating. Her first comment was "I knew you were fighting a lot but I didn't think it was this bad"...so they do know. Kids are so much more observant than we give them credit for. However, I think a lot of kids have this idea that divorce won't happen in their family, so when it does it tilts their world to a crazy degree, and it can take a long time – and not be in any way linear – for it to re-correct to its new position.
My advice:
– Be mindful and observant of his behavior and emotions, and respond in ways that allow him to communicate with you and your ex as honestly as possible about how he's feeling – even if/when he's very angry about this huge change to his life. All emotions are valid here. If it's financially viable, research some therapists in your area in case he feels he needs a neutral party to talk to.
– As I mentioned above, the process may not be linear. He may be doing ok, and then something could happen that brings up a lot of these first emotions. Heads up for the holidays especially, because depending on your situation they can be awkward at best, depressing as absolute hell at worst.
– If possible, make a pact with the dad that you won't shit-talk each other. And get on board with how you're communicating on some of the more difficult questions.
– The more things you can keep the same for your son, at least for a while until he can begin to accept this new reality, the better. Things like changing schools, moving houses, etc. can add to the sense of destabilization, which can be so difficult for a kid. He needs to understand what will change though too. I'm a big believer in setting expectations for kids in general, and in this situation it's vital that he has a grasp on what is happening. And if it's possible to give him any agency as well, all the better. The idea of a pet as was mentioned in an earlier post is one idea, or allowing him to choose what to have for dinner, or re-doing his bedroom...anything that helps him feel anchored during this time of upheaval will help.
My daughter is almost a teen now and is doing great overall. She has learned that family can look many different ways, even when not together. I think it also helps to know other kids from divorced homes. I think she still has some sadness about it (and probably always will on some level), but I worked hard to give her that sense of stability and open communication, which continues to make all the difference.
Wow I guess I had more to say on this than I thought...short answer: this will be a difficult process. But it will get better. Listen to your son, and make sure he knows that he's allowed to be as sad as he needs to be – but also that it's ok to feel happy or find things funny at the same time. He needs to be reassured that he is loved and that he matters, and you and his dad get to be the people to do that for him.
posted by Molasses808 at 10:53 PM on May 25 [47 favorites]
i'm still sad about my parent’s divorce. that happened long, long ago.
Please tell me this gets better?
it gets better.
togetherness seemed like the definition of who they were. who we were. who was i, if not part of this thing called ‘a family’? looking back, i started to see that their fights must have been more serious than i’d realized. i’d been oblivious.
i had no idea divorce was even a possibility. my parents were just… my parents. they still are, always will be. they’re just not together. how does it gets better? i have learned that they are their own people: both are individual humans whom i can appreciate for the unique qualities they bring, in their own ways, separately.
learning many things about the outside world was complicated, add to that learning new realities about family dynamics. definitely feel for him right now.
most important:
it is not his fault. he needs to know that. he likely cares for you both. it’s Okay to be sad. this is hard.
music also helped me
the best thing you can do is love him as much as you are able & help him grow.
wishing you all peace
posted by HearHere at 11:02 PM on May 25 [2 favorites]
Please tell me this gets better?
it gets better.
togetherness seemed like the definition of who they were. who we were. who was i, if not part of this thing called ‘a family’? looking back, i started to see that their fights must have been more serious than i’d realized. i’d been oblivious.
i had no idea divorce was even a possibility. my parents were just… my parents. they still are, always will be. they’re just not together. how does it gets better? i have learned that they are their own people: both are individual humans whom i can appreciate for the unique qualities they bring, in their own ways, separately.
learning many things about the outside world was complicated, add to that learning new realities about family dynamics. definitely feel for him right now.
most important:
it is not his fault. he needs to know that. he likely cares for you both. it’s Okay to be sad. this is hard.
music also helped me
the best thing you can do is love him as much as you are able & help him grow.
wishing you all peace
posted by HearHere at 11:02 PM on May 25 [2 favorites]
Child of divorce here. It's been 20 years and my siblings and I are still sad. Obviously it is much better, but it really did take years to get better. Sorry.
posted by thereader at 11:19 PM on May 25 [3 favorites]
posted by thereader at 11:19 PM on May 25 [3 favorites]
if you can imagine having two children:
this is like if they came to you and said they have finished loving each other for good, they are still each individually your child but are no longer siblings by mutual consent, and going forward, you will never get to welcome both of them into the same home at the same time or treat both of them as belonging to the same family just because they both belong to you. and if you accidentally call one of them the other’s “brother” or “sister” ever again, they will get you a therapist to work on your adjustment to reality. and you just had to take it, your reaction was tolerated and humored but not relevant or influential in any real way
only, you know, much much worse.
he probably did know it was coming. he maybe even knew his parents would both feel better when it happened. why that was supposed to make it easier for him I can’t imagine.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:07 AM on May 26 [37 favorites]
this is like if they came to you and said they have finished loving each other for good, they are still each individually your child but are no longer siblings by mutual consent, and going forward, you will never get to welcome both of them into the same home at the same time or treat both of them as belonging to the same family just because they both belong to you. and if you accidentally call one of them the other’s “brother” or “sister” ever again, they will get you a therapist to work on your adjustment to reality. and you just had to take it, your reaction was tolerated and humored but not relevant or influential in any real way
only, you know, much much worse.
he probably did know it was coming. he maybe even knew his parents would both feel better when it happened. why that was supposed to make it easier for him I can’t imagine.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:07 AM on May 26 [37 favorites]
On my end I’d been begging my mother to divorce my father for years before she finally did when I was 10, which I am sudden aware might not have been typical. Even when divorce was an outcome I wanted it was still hard! One thing that really helped me was my mom started a ritual me and my brother could look forward too. On Sundays she had custody we got donuts and orange juice and went hiking, we did that for years until I was too busy. It was fun, we never got juice or donuts otherwise, and the walks were a really good way for us all to connect.
She did a lot of other little things at th time that helped too. She let us pick out new duffle bags to bring our clothes back and fourth in. She got us in separate group therapy support groups for kids our ages, and when I asked later she got me my own therapist as well. And I knew that was an option because she’d offered earlier.
I think what helped the most is she expected us to be be miserable and fall apart, there was no expectation that we would do anything else. Having our feelings constantly validated helped, we all made it through.
Also I am so glad they got divorced, wow that was a terrible marriage.
posted by lepus at 12:26 AM on May 26 [9 favorites]
She did a lot of other little things at th time that helped too. She let us pick out new duffle bags to bring our clothes back and fourth in. She got us in separate group therapy support groups for kids our ages, and when I asked later she got me my own therapist as well. And I knew that was an option because she’d offered earlier.
I think what helped the most is she expected us to be be miserable and fall apart, there was no expectation that we would do anything else. Having our feelings constantly validated helped, we all made it through.
Also I am so glad they got divorced, wow that was a terrible marriage.
posted by lepus at 12:26 AM on May 26 [9 favorites]
most important:
it is not his fault. he needs to know that. he likely cares for you both. it’s Okay to be sad. this is hard
Quoting this for importance and truth.
My son's father and i separated when he was 11. No divorce because we never were married.
Tell him directly and clearly that it is a decision you and his father made, but that it is in no way his (the boy's) fault. Tell him this is your decision. Be the adult in the room for your son.
This was advice my son's therapist at the time gave me and four years on i can see how important it was and is.
Among the reasons i separated were issues directly related to our son: eg my ex had massive problems with the fact our son was diagnosed with autism, and we had nasty arguments about how to deal with that and the boy knew that.
However, i explained to him that the full responsibilty for moving out was mine. It was nothing he did or said etc.
This was also helpful in other ways. As the "blame" was on me (and i was able to deal with that better than my son) his relationship with his father had one less major issue. It was clear: Mom decided to move out and take me with her.
Also, as soon as you can tell the boy about the practical plans: will you move or his father, If you move where will he live, etc.
But it is hard, and three days very short. Three months on he struggled a lot and there was grief for the family unit he enjoyed. only now, more than three years later, i see that he is not so much grieving but able to live quite peacefully in this new reality.
posted by 15L06 at 12:33 AM on May 26 [2 favorites]
it is not his fault. he needs to know that. he likely cares for you both. it’s Okay to be sad. this is hard
Quoting this for importance and truth.
My son's father and i separated when he was 11. No divorce because we never were married.
Tell him directly and clearly that it is a decision you and his father made, but that it is in no way his (the boy's) fault. Tell him this is your decision. Be the adult in the room for your son.
This was advice my son's therapist at the time gave me and four years on i can see how important it was and is.
Among the reasons i separated were issues directly related to our son: eg my ex had massive problems with the fact our son was diagnosed with autism, and we had nasty arguments about how to deal with that and the boy knew that.
However, i explained to him that the full responsibilty for moving out was mine. It was nothing he did or said etc.
This was also helpful in other ways. As the "blame" was on me (and i was able to deal with that better than my son) his relationship with his father had one less major issue. It was clear: Mom decided to move out and take me with her.
Also, as soon as you can tell the boy about the practical plans: will you move or his father, If you move where will he live, etc.
But it is hard, and three days very short. Three months on he struggled a lot and there was grief for the family unit he enjoyed. only now, more than three years later, i see that he is not so much grieving but able to live quite peacefully in this new reality.
posted by 15L06 at 12:33 AM on May 26 [2 favorites]
PS agree getting him a pet, we got a cat. It did help him a lot.
posted by 15L06 at 12:36 AM on May 26
posted by 15L06 at 12:36 AM on May 26
Disagree with the pet, age 12 is hard, last thing you want is for care of the divorce pet to become a teenage power struggle. Wait for everything to settle down first.
My kid did fine, think months to get over the initial shock at age 9 but not years. This is such an individual situation. My daughter’s father later died from the mental illness that caused our separation. Because of that illness, the actual separation was somewhat freeing and my daughter’s grades/sports improved dramatically in our quieter and more kid-oriented environment. I don’t expect all separations to look like this.
posted by shock muppet at 1:40 AM on May 26 [6 favorites]
My kid did fine, think months to get over the initial shock at age 9 but not years. This is such an individual situation. My daughter’s father later died from the mental illness that caused our separation. Because of that illness, the actual separation was somewhat freeing and my daughter’s grades/sports improved dramatically in our quieter and more kid-oriented environment. I don’t expect all separations to look like this.
posted by shock muppet at 1:40 AM on May 26 [6 favorites]
My oldest was 12 when her dad and I divorced. It’s hard. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. If I could change anything about the last 12 years (she’s 24 now) it would be my behavior in the everyday. No matter how much you tell yourself that you’re not going to bash the other parent, your pain and anger still comes through in other ways. Our divorce was very ugly and complicated and the financial aspects still aren’t completely worked out so it’s been tough. Nothing overt was ever said but kids can read us like a book and I know my body language and lack of enthusiasm made my animosity pretty obvious at times. She’s out of college and employed and is happy and thriving but I wish that I would have made some better choices over the last decade. Take care of yourself.
posted by pearlybob at 3:35 AM on May 26
posted by pearlybob at 3:35 AM on May 26
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice all. In answer to a few questions, I just was not expecting the intensity of the immediate reaction. I’ve been through a ton with this kiddo but I guess I don’t know him as well as I thought. I also have no personal experience of divorce with my friends/family and come from a family where traumas were not spoken of or reacted to, completely internalized. Obviously I knew it would be hard but not like this.
I’ve always parented very differently than I was parented - we are very close and I am very attentive, and we have gotten tons of expert support when needed. But is there any possibility in helping him through this trauma that I could be too involved? My instinct is to keep him by my side 24/7 but I feel like he is 12 so that’s not right? (Some might say I even helicopter or hover! But he is a complex kid if you check my prior Asks so he’s always needed more. He’s been doing awesome this year in school though if you read my earlier qs)
Unfortunately the dad is not a reliable person in terms of things like presenting a unified front, making clear plans, putting kid first. etc. I also have to be very careful to avoid triggering him in order to get him to sign the agreement. So yeah that’s a lot of emotional control I have to exercise.
It’s funny someone mentioned a cat because he asked for one! I know AskMe is a treasure trove of cat advice so I’ll be searching for that.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:14 AM on May 26 [2 favorites]
I’ve always parented very differently than I was parented - we are very close and I am very attentive, and we have gotten tons of expert support when needed. But is there any possibility in helping him through this trauma that I could be too involved? My instinct is to keep him by my side 24/7 but I feel like he is 12 so that’s not right? (Some might say I even helicopter or hover! But he is a complex kid if you check my prior Asks so he’s always needed more. He’s been doing awesome this year in school though if you read my earlier qs)
Unfortunately the dad is not a reliable person in terms of things like presenting a unified front, making clear plans, putting kid first. etc. I also have to be very careful to avoid triggering him in order to get him to sign the agreement. So yeah that’s a lot of emotional control I have to exercise.
It’s funny someone mentioned a cat because he asked for one! I know AskMe is a treasure trove of cat advice so I’ll be searching for that.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:14 AM on May 26 [2 favorites]
This might not work for you, but when my wife and I separated we alternated who was living in the home; generally my wife lived there with our children during the week and I lived there with them over the weekend. That gave our kids a stable place to be, and told them we both cared for them.
Sometimes one of our kids would come stay with me for a night during the week, or with my wife at the weekend, which helped integrate our lives and make the family feel less dissociated. It was difficult and painful nonetheless, but gradually over the following year things became more relaxed and bearable.
posted by anadem at 5:42 AM on May 26 [1 favorite]
Sometimes one of our kids would come stay with me for a night during the week, or with my wife at the weekend, which helped integrate our lives and make the family feel less dissociated. It was difficult and painful nonetheless, but gradually over the following year things became more relaxed and bearable.
posted by anadem at 5:42 AM on May 26 [1 favorite]
Where possible help him build friendships so he doesn’t have to be with you all the time and has peers, but in the aftermath of (to him) an earth shattering event, it’s ok for a 12 year old to stay close. 12 is, especially in today’s world, really still a child even if he’s entering his teens. In two years he’ll be in a different place.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:20 AM on May 26 [2 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 6:20 AM on May 26 [2 favorites]
One of the basic reasons kids fear a divorce is economic. They know that Mum and Dad are both contributing to their material well being. When the break up happens the same amount of time, executive functioning and money needs to be spread out over two households. It's all about the little crap, like who will wash the breakfast dishes, and who will I go to if I lose my field trip money, and will Dad keep buying me surprise Lego that is really for himself, but officially mine enough that I get to feel like it's mine, and will Mum end up with a longer commute after we move and have less time to listen to me?
Things are often very much worse for kids after their parents break up and they know that. So if you want to keep them from being sad, you both have to redouble your efforts at parenting. One big issue is when the need to now run two households means that one or both units move to a housing arrangement that is much less desirable from the kid's point of view. A really big issue is when the parents break up, but one becomes a non custodial parent who really then gives up on parenting. The very worst thing for kids - and this often happens - is when the parents both set out to create new and better lives for themselves and do the things they couldn't when trapped with their old partner - but these new things, like having a social life, or working on changing themself to be more of the person they could not be in the marriage almost always end up meaning there is less time and attention and emotional labour and resources available for the kid.
Your kid has taken a major hit to the primary source of his security and his identity. That's what you're working with - I am not at all saying you shouldn't get a divorce and that you aren't wrong to put your own needs ahead of your kid's - your entire well being is probably at stake for you to have made such a major decision - but keep in mind that he is not baggage, not an extension of you, that he will not necessarily adjust well and your happiness has a limited effect on his happiness. Someone once noted that kids would rather their mother was suicidal in the bedroom, than deliriously happy on a far away tropical island vacation, and this is true. Kids can be amazingly selfish, as you probably remember from when you were disgustingly sick and your baby still woke you up multiple times in the night. Kids also have a lot of magical thinking - mentally healthy ones are happy-go-lucky, because they can dismiss their worries by being confident that the all powerful parents will take care of it. From his point of view he can no longer rely on you to keep his family together. What else can he longer rely on you to look after?
All this is happening at a stage when, going into adolescence, your son is on the cusp of separating from you, becoming emotionally independent and needing to spend less time in your company interacting with you. So simply being there for him and letting him tell you his troubles like when he was a six year old is likely to not be a whole lot of help.
Whether or not you get him a cat, I think, should depend on how good a parent his dad is and was. If his dad always left the child care to you, or now dumps much of his responsibility for your son on you, there is a good chance your kid will follow his lead, regarding the cat. After all, he is still his father's son and imprinted on the guy's behaviour, as well as having inherited behavioural traits genetically.
I think you should continue to provide him with lots of closeness and intimacy and affection AND you should work to provide opportunities for him to build relationships with other people, especially males. Helping his Dad do domestic work would be ideal - housecleaning, packing and moving, repairs, shopping for groceries. In addition to this, he's going to thrive better if he gets to spend close and secure time with good friends, extended family and mentors. A part of him will need to regress and go back to being nine years old, and you want to be available for him to do that and support him if he does that so he knows that his Mum will always love him and be there for him and that he does not need to be in any hurry to grow up. But the other half of him, often the more visible half - will want to grow up in a hurry and form outside relationships, because you could just as easily divorce him the way you divorced his Dad. I know you won't, but the chink is open, and now some part of him is going to be aware that you might have to ditch him to earn an income to support him, or you might get in a car accident. The possibilities are now going to be there inchoate and ominous.
All the routines you used to do before the Divorce was announced should be maintained. Did you used to sleep in on Sunday while his Dad provided lousy supervision and the house was left in a mess for you? He'll feel more secure if you sleep in on Sunday and leave him unsupervised to reduce the house to a mess. Did you used to cluck about spending too much money on junk food? Keep doing that. As much as you can you want to maintain continuity. Anything different you add, in so far as it is possible, should be a positive difference. If his Dad always picked him up after art class while you made a good family dinner, and now you have to pick him up after art class and can't make the good family dinner, he's going to do well if you substitute a great take out dinner, and not so well if he gets to scrounge breakfast cereal for his dinner instead.
There will probably be a lot of things that reduce his quality of life, because the logistics will change. There may be a lot less money. There may be a move to a new home that isn't as nice as his old home (for him) and there maybe many more complicated logistic challenges, like instead of coming home to play video games while the two of you bicker in the background, he'll be going to his Dad's on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but the gaming rig is at your place, and he ends up bored.
Sympathy only goes so far in helping him adjust to this kind of stuff. Actual executive help will go farther. You can make suggestions, like that he ask his Dad to take him to the library on Monday night so that he'll have books to read, or you can try to help him figure out what kind of pastime he can take up on his three nights with Dad, and encourage him to find some structure so he doesn't sit there and mope. But again, the power goes into your son's hands. You don't get mad at his Dad if his Dad won't take him to the library and you don't cycle through buying a dozen different things he might use to relieve the boredom, nor do you take on credit card debt to buy him a second gaming rig for his Dad's place. You don't use money to solve the problem for him. The thing is to empower him to figure out how he is going to handle those long dull, lonely evenings, in a way that brings him some contentment while giving him the knowledge that he solved the problem himself.
So basically, right now you need to up your game, because you are parenting a trouble preteen, and you need to accept that he is troubled - just as he would be if something different and equally out of your control had happened, such as his Dad ending up in hospital or a good friend of his getting killed. The only people I know of who don't consider their parents' Divorce to be a major transition point in their life that divided it sharply into a Before and an After are a couple of people whose parents did the Divorce thing so often that they not only grew up with most of them memories having formed after the parental divorce, but also got so familiar with the process that they predicted one or more of the break-ups their parents went through with their later partners. Your son is going through the first big transition in his life. It's a bigger one than starting school was. Probably the next comparable one will be when he leaves home.
It's a big transition, but it's not insurmountable, and if his relationship with his Dad was very good, it will very likely continue to be good. Or if his relationship with his Dad was a bad one not having to share a household with him will turn out to be an improvement. It goes without saying that you NEVER diss his Dad, regardless. We get our identities from our parents. Anything you say about his Dad you are saying about him. So even kindly statements like, "He's just not very good at money management..." at this point counts as saying to your son "You are, and will be not be very good at money management..." There's a very good chance that is what he will hear, just as if your ex tells your son, "Your mother is a pain in the ass!" your son will hear "You are a pain in the ass!" It's just ground rule number one. The divorce is not his Dad's fault, the divorce is not because of his Dad's failures. It's just happening because divorcing will give all three of you a chance to have a better life.
And then do your damndest to make it a better life for him.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:28 AM on May 26 [7 favorites]
Things are often very much worse for kids after their parents break up and they know that. So if you want to keep them from being sad, you both have to redouble your efforts at parenting. One big issue is when the need to now run two households means that one or both units move to a housing arrangement that is much less desirable from the kid's point of view. A really big issue is when the parents break up, but one becomes a non custodial parent who really then gives up on parenting. The very worst thing for kids - and this often happens - is when the parents both set out to create new and better lives for themselves and do the things they couldn't when trapped with their old partner - but these new things, like having a social life, or working on changing themself to be more of the person they could not be in the marriage almost always end up meaning there is less time and attention and emotional labour and resources available for the kid.
Your kid has taken a major hit to the primary source of his security and his identity. That's what you're working with - I am not at all saying you shouldn't get a divorce and that you aren't wrong to put your own needs ahead of your kid's - your entire well being is probably at stake for you to have made such a major decision - but keep in mind that he is not baggage, not an extension of you, that he will not necessarily adjust well and your happiness has a limited effect on his happiness. Someone once noted that kids would rather their mother was suicidal in the bedroom, than deliriously happy on a far away tropical island vacation, and this is true. Kids can be amazingly selfish, as you probably remember from when you were disgustingly sick and your baby still woke you up multiple times in the night. Kids also have a lot of magical thinking - mentally healthy ones are happy-go-lucky, because they can dismiss their worries by being confident that the all powerful parents will take care of it. From his point of view he can no longer rely on you to keep his family together. What else can he longer rely on you to look after?
All this is happening at a stage when, going into adolescence, your son is on the cusp of separating from you, becoming emotionally independent and needing to spend less time in your company interacting with you. So simply being there for him and letting him tell you his troubles like when he was a six year old is likely to not be a whole lot of help.
Whether or not you get him a cat, I think, should depend on how good a parent his dad is and was. If his dad always left the child care to you, or now dumps much of his responsibility for your son on you, there is a good chance your kid will follow his lead, regarding the cat. After all, he is still his father's son and imprinted on the guy's behaviour, as well as having inherited behavioural traits genetically.
I think you should continue to provide him with lots of closeness and intimacy and affection AND you should work to provide opportunities for him to build relationships with other people, especially males. Helping his Dad do domestic work would be ideal - housecleaning, packing and moving, repairs, shopping for groceries. In addition to this, he's going to thrive better if he gets to spend close and secure time with good friends, extended family and mentors. A part of him will need to regress and go back to being nine years old, and you want to be available for him to do that and support him if he does that so he knows that his Mum will always love him and be there for him and that he does not need to be in any hurry to grow up. But the other half of him, often the more visible half - will want to grow up in a hurry and form outside relationships, because you could just as easily divorce him the way you divorced his Dad. I know you won't, but the chink is open, and now some part of him is going to be aware that you might have to ditch him to earn an income to support him, or you might get in a car accident. The possibilities are now going to be there inchoate and ominous.
All the routines you used to do before the Divorce was announced should be maintained. Did you used to sleep in on Sunday while his Dad provided lousy supervision and the house was left in a mess for you? He'll feel more secure if you sleep in on Sunday and leave him unsupervised to reduce the house to a mess. Did you used to cluck about spending too much money on junk food? Keep doing that. As much as you can you want to maintain continuity. Anything different you add, in so far as it is possible, should be a positive difference. If his Dad always picked him up after art class while you made a good family dinner, and now you have to pick him up after art class and can't make the good family dinner, he's going to do well if you substitute a great take out dinner, and not so well if he gets to scrounge breakfast cereal for his dinner instead.
There will probably be a lot of things that reduce his quality of life, because the logistics will change. There may be a lot less money. There may be a move to a new home that isn't as nice as his old home (for him) and there maybe many more complicated logistic challenges, like instead of coming home to play video games while the two of you bicker in the background, he'll be going to his Dad's on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but the gaming rig is at your place, and he ends up bored.
Sympathy only goes so far in helping him adjust to this kind of stuff. Actual executive help will go farther. You can make suggestions, like that he ask his Dad to take him to the library on Monday night so that he'll have books to read, or you can try to help him figure out what kind of pastime he can take up on his three nights with Dad, and encourage him to find some structure so he doesn't sit there and mope. But again, the power goes into your son's hands. You don't get mad at his Dad if his Dad won't take him to the library and you don't cycle through buying a dozen different things he might use to relieve the boredom, nor do you take on credit card debt to buy him a second gaming rig for his Dad's place. You don't use money to solve the problem for him. The thing is to empower him to figure out how he is going to handle those long dull, lonely evenings, in a way that brings him some contentment while giving him the knowledge that he solved the problem himself.
So basically, right now you need to up your game, because you are parenting a trouble preteen, and you need to accept that he is troubled - just as he would be if something different and equally out of your control had happened, such as his Dad ending up in hospital or a good friend of his getting killed. The only people I know of who don't consider their parents' Divorce to be a major transition point in their life that divided it sharply into a Before and an After are a couple of people whose parents did the Divorce thing so often that they not only grew up with most of them memories having formed after the parental divorce, but also got so familiar with the process that they predicted one or more of the break-ups their parents went through with their later partners. Your son is going through the first big transition in his life. It's a bigger one than starting school was. Probably the next comparable one will be when he leaves home.
It's a big transition, but it's not insurmountable, and if his relationship with his Dad was very good, it will very likely continue to be good. Or if his relationship with his Dad was a bad one not having to share a household with him will turn out to be an improvement. It goes without saying that you NEVER diss his Dad, regardless. We get our identities from our parents. Anything you say about his Dad you are saying about him. So even kindly statements like, "He's just not very good at money management..." at this point counts as saying to your son "You are, and will be not be very good at money management..." There's a very good chance that is what he will hear, just as if your ex tells your son, "Your mother is a pain in the ass!" your son will hear "You are a pain in the ass!" It's just ground rule number one. The divorce is not his Dad's fault, the divorce is not because of his Dad's failures. It's just happening because divorcing will give all three of you a chance to have a better life.
And then do your damndest to make it a better life for him.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:28 AM on May 26 [7 favorites]
But is there any possibility in helping him through this trauma that I could be too involved? My instinct is to keep him by my side 24/7 but I feel like he is 12 so that’s not right?
One thing you need to consider is the fact that this situation may be leading to him recontextualizing and restructuring how he thinks of both of you, as parents and as people. I was about the same age when my parents split up, and I remember that one of the biggest revelations for me was that it turned my parents for the first time from figures of unknown motivations into people who were capable of having flaws, being hurt, and making mistakes. I comforted my mother while she cried for the first time. I saw my dad break down crying for the first time. It was really tough for a child to deal with that role changing.
It's going to take him a long time to come to terms with this. Years. Decades. I'm still not fully over it, nearly 20 years later. You really need to give him space and time. He's got a lot of grown up feelings to process right now. The last thing he needs is his mom around him 24/7, especially when your presence might itself be something that's painful for him.
From your previous Asks it sounds like he already has some professionals involved in his wellbeing. It might be a good idea to make sure he has access to a child-focused therapist with experience of divorce if you can afford it and he agrees to it, so he has someone to talk to about all of this stuff.
You also need to make your peace with the idea that you won't be perfect at this. You're hurting and dealing with a lot of shit as well. You're going to fuck it up and make mistakes. Everyone does. He will forgive you in time. But let go of the concept of trying to be the best at this while the whole family is struggling. Sometimes the only way out is through.
posted by fight or flight at 6:54 AM on May 26
One thing you need to consider is the fact that this situation may be leading to him recontextualizing and restructuring how he thinks of both of you, as parents and as people. I was about the same age when my parents split up, and I remember that one of the biggest revelations for me was that it turned my parents for the first time from figures of unknown motivations into people who were capable of having flaws, being hurt, and making mistakes. I comforted my mother while she cried for the first time. I saw my dad break down crying for the first time. It was really tough for a child to deal with that role changing.
It's going to take him a long time to come to terms with this. Years. Decades. I'm still not fully over it, nearly 20 years later. You really need to give him space and time. He's got a lot of grown up feelings to process right now. The last thing he needs is his mom around him 24/7, especially when your presence might itself be something that's painful for him.
From your previous Asks it sounds like he already has some professionals involved in his wellbeing. It might be a good idea to make sure he has access to a child-focused therapist with experience of divorce if you can afford it and he agrees to it, so he has someone to talk to about all of this stuff.
You also need to make your peace with the idea that you won't be perfect at this. You're hurting and dealing with a lot of shit as well. You're going to fuck it up and make mistakes. Everyone does. He will forgive you in time. But let go of the concept of trying to be the best at this while the whole family is struggling. Sometimes the only way out is through.
posted by fight or flight at 6:54 AM on May 26
> I just was not expecting the intensity of the immediate reaction
That's really interesting - you see why this bit is surprising right? You noted it in your post that you feel silly for being surprised, but I don't think you should feel silly at all. I think this is something to get curious about. Dig into your surprise a little and poke at what's behind it maybe.
I'm wondering, what are your feelings about his reaction?
Does his intense reaction get under your skin and trigger your insecurities during this incredibly difficult time in your life? Does it make you feel guilty about the divorce? Does it make you feel like you might have made a mistake? Does it make you feel pressured to get back together with his dad?
Sometimes when we are not feeling fully secure and fully settled/at peace with this kind of decision, it leads us to a sort of wilful denial about the possibility of a bad reaction from our kids. That's because the possibility of a bad reaction from the kids feels like it will destroy the delicate scaffolding on which our decision hangs. And then when we get a bad reaction from the kids, it feels like our internal scaffolding is crashing down and we feel threatened, cornered, and panicked at "Oh my God now what how can I handle this the worst is happening."
I say this with 0% judgment and 1000% empathy, btw, because I've been in your shoes and feared exactly this from my kids when I decided to get my divorce.
This was my biggest fear, that my kids would be absolutely devastated when I told them.
The saving grace for me, my big stroke of luck, was that I had a therapist with whom I discussed this huge fear before I told my kids. And my therapist led me to realize that my fear of a bad reaction was based on my internal state of turmoil. That if I could wait and work towards a solid internal foundation of feeling completely confident in my decision to get divorced, if I could work on reassuring myself that I was absolutely doing the right thing, then my fear of my children having a bad reaction would evaporate. Suddenly their bad reaction would not feel so shocking nor devastating for me. Instead, I would be able to treat it as "just another parenting challenge", like as if they're having a bad reaction to something that happened at school. And that would help my kids immensely because this way they have an actual parent who is parenting them through a tough time.
Let me illustrate the difference between those two internal states and how it changes the way you show up for your child:
When your child has a bad reaction and you show up for your child with feelings of turmoil churning inside you, you might be communicating (verbally or nonverbally) something like: "Aw honey, I'm so sorry. I never meant to cause you so much pain. Please forgive me for putting you through this. I wish I could take this back and make things normal but I can't! I really hope that someday you'll understand why I had to do this. Oh honey, please, I promise you this will get better. You'll see."
But when your internal state is calm and at peace with your decision, when you don't feel guilty and you're not questioning yourself, what you communicate (both verbally and non verbally) is more like: "Aw honey, this is so hard and you're going to need time to get used to it. Your dad and I are figuring out what the future will look like, and I'll do my best to answer your questions as we go. Talk to me when you're feeling upset. I'll help you get through this."
You see it, right? Even when you are doing your best to tell your child you support them and empathize with their pain, your internal level of turmoil vs. calm gets communicated to your child in subtle and indirect ways. That, in turn, affects your child's capacity to USE you as a strong, safe "home base" where they can focus on processing their own feelings. If you communicate turmoil, they won't be able to do that. They sense your anxiety and they cannot feel safe in an anxious place. But if they sense that you are calm and you've got your shit fully handled, that's when they can sense you are a solid rock they can safely lean on.
So my advice to you is to put on your own oxygen mask first. Take care of yourself. Help yourself get to a cool calm confident place internally. And then this problem becomes very solvable.
posted by MiraK at 6:57 AM on May 26 [25 favorites]
That's really interesting - you see why this bit is surprising right? You noted it in your post that you feel silly for being surprised, but I don't think you should feel silly at all. I think this is something to get curious about. Dig into your surprise a little and poke at what's behind it maybe.
I'm wondering, what are your feelings about his reaction?
Does his intense reaction get under your skin and trigger your insecurities during this incredibly difficult time in your life? Does it make you feel guilty about the divorce? Does it make you feel like you might have made a mistake? Does it make you feel pressured to get back together with his dad?
Sometimes when we are not feeling fully secure and fully settled/at peace with this kind of decision, it leads us to a sort of wilful denial about the possibility of a bad reaction from our kids. That's because the possibility of a bad reaction from the kids feels like it will destroy the delicate scaffolding on which our decision hangs. And then when we get a bad reaction from the kids, it feels like our internal scaffolding is crashing down and we feel threatened, cornered, and panicked at "Oh my God now what how can I handle this the worst is happening."
I say this with 0% judgment and 1000% empathy, btw, because I've been in your shoes and feared exactly this from my kids when I decided to get my divorce.
This was my biggest fear, that my kids would be absolutely devastated when I told them.
The saving grace for me, my big stroke of luck, was that I had a therapist with whom I discussed this huge fear before I told my kids. And my therapist led me to realize that my fear of a bad reaction was based on my internal state of turmoil. That if I could wait and work towards a solid internal foundation of feeling completely confident in my decision to get divorced, if I could work on reassuring myself that I was absolutely doing the right thing, then my fear of my children having a bad reaction would evaporate. Suddenly their bad reaction would not feel so shocking nor devastating for me. Instead, I would be able to treat it as "just another parenting challenge", like as if they're having a bad reaction to something that happened at school. And that would help my kids immensely because this way they have an actual parent who is parenting them through a tough time.
Let me illustrate the difference between those two internal states and how it changes the way you show up for your child:
When your child has a bad reaction and you show up for your child with feelings of turmoil churning inside you, you might be communicating (verbally or nonverbally) something like: "Aw honey, I'm so sorry. I never meant to cause you so much pain. Please forgive me for putting you through this. I wish I could take this back and make things normal but I can't! I really hope that someday you'll understand why I had to do this. Oh honey, please, I promise you this will get better. You'll see."
But when your internal state is calm and at peace with your decision, when you don't feel guilty and you're not questioning yourself, what you communicate (both verbally and non verbally) is more like: "Aw honey, this is so hard and you're going to need time to get used to it. Your dad and I are figuring out what the future will look like, and I'll do my best to answer your questions as we go. Talk to me when you're feeling upset. I'll help you get through this."
You see it, right? Even when you are doing your best to tell your child you support them and empathize with their pain, your internal level of turmoil vs. calm gets communicated to your child in subtle and indirect ways. That, in turn, affects your child's capacity to USE you as a strong, safe "home base" where they can focus on processing their own feelings. If you communicate turmoil, they won't be able to do that. They sense your anxiety and they cannot feel safe in an anxious place. But if they sense that you are calm and you've got your shit fully handled, that's when they can sense you are a solid rock they can safely lean on.
So my advice to you is to put on your own oxygen mask first. Take care of yourself. Help yourself get to a cool calm confident place internally. And then this problem becomes very solvable.
posted by MiraK at 6:57 AM on May 26 [25 favorites]
Grief is hard, and it has a long tail, nobody gets over ANYTHING important in a few days. But no, it doesn't just get better if you wait it out, so you need to get your plan in order for how you're going to support him through the next 5 days, weeks, months and years of living a life he didn't want and does not have any real say in.
I've become a chronic book-recommender, since therapy is increasingly inaccessible to many people these days. I'd recommend starting here:
- Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce
- Talking to Children about Divorce: A Parent's Guide to Healthy Communication at Each Stage of Divorce: Expert Advice for Kids' Emotional Recovery
- The Co-Parenting Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted and Resilient Kids from Little Ones to Young Adults through Divorce or Separation
And if his dad is amenable and it IS in any way accessible, get yourselves into co-parenting therapy as soon as humanly possible, since three months ago isn't an option.
If you're already starting out from delivering this news to your son without his father, though, I'm going to assume that's meaningful. You need to be extremely honest with yourself first, and then sanitize it for your son but engage in serious expectation management. Do not bullshit him about things you suspect won't come true, but learn to go no further than neutral because negativity just puts him in the middle. This was the worst lesson to learn vicariously through my childhood friends whose parents split up young: don't say he'll call if he probably isn't going to call, don't say he's going to come pick him up for the weekend if you know the odds are he won't. Don't promise a nice modern nurturing coparenting scenario if you don't think that's what you're going to get. There are also a lot of books about coparenting with a narcissist, which has a lot of techniques for dealing with unreliable or high-conflict ex-partners even if yours isn't a classic narc.
Your kiddo is going to have a bunch of their own feelings about this and that is right and okay and important and you should hold space for those feelings but do not leave him alone with them unsupported. The two of you DO set a good deal of the tone here, and you are responsible for making him feel safe and taken care of, and if you didn't plan for that you should, now. And consider it an emergency that there isn't a plan. It is understandable that you have been consumed by the effect of the divorce on you personally, but 13yos are not adults and they do not understand how adult relationships work and so your expectation that he'd just figure it was happening and adjust accordingly is your giant red flag that you are not thinking straight. Your kid is not divorce-savvy. He does not know that it is possible to be okay yet. He's scared. Help him.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:25 AM on May 26 [8 favorites]
I've become a chronic book-recommender, since therapy is increasingly inaccessible to many people these days. I'd recommend starting here:
- Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce
- Talking to Children about Divorce: A Parent's Guide to Healthy Communication at Each Stage of Divorce: Expert Advice for Kids' Emotional Recovery
- The Co-Parenting Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted and Resilient Kids from Little Ones to Young Adults through Divorce or Separation
And if his dad is amenable and it IS in any way accessible, get yourselves into co-parenting therapy as soon as humanly possible, since three months ago isn't an option.
If you're already starting out from delivering this news to your son without his father, though, I'm going to assume that's meaningful. You need to be extremely honest with yourself first, and then sanitize it for your son but engage in serious expectation management. Do not bullshit him about things you suspect won't come true, but learn to go no further than neutral because negativity just puts him in the middle. This was the worst lesson to learn vicariously through my childhood friends whose parents split up young: don't say he'll call if he probably isn't going to call, don't say he's going to come pick him up for the weekend if you know the odds are he won't. Don't promise a nice modern nurturing coparenting scenario if you don't think that's what you're going to get. There are also a lot of books about coparenting with a narcissist, which has a lot of techniques for dealing with unreliable or high-conflict ex-partners even if yours isn't a classic narc.
Your kiddo is going to have a bunch of their own feelings about this and that is right and okay and important and you should hold space for those feelings but do not leave him alone with them unsupported. The two of you DO set a good deal of the tone here, and you are responsible for making him feel safe and taken care of, and if you didn't plan for that you should, now. And consider it an emergency that there isn't a plan. It is understandable that you have been consumed by the effect of the divorce on you personally, but 13yos are not adults and they do not understand how adult relationships work and so your expectation that he'd just figure it was happening and adjust accordingly is your giant red flag that you are not thinking straight. Your kid is not divorce-savvy. He does not know that it is possible to be okay yet. He's scared. Help him.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:25 AM on May 26 [8 favorites]
"How long" is, in my opinion, the wrong question to be asking right now. It's unanswerable, for one thing: healing is going to depend heavily on what you and the kid's father do to facilitate healing over the course of the next few decades. How you communicate, what kind of emotional support, what kind of tone you take with and about each other, what kind of relationship both parents individually cultivate with your kid; there are lots and lots of factors that are going to come into play just in the short term.
My parents divorced 50 years ago, and despite there being some level of support, it left wounds that literally never healed; wounds that affect how I feel and behave today. I get to enjoy bouts of profound sadness directly related to the event.
Yes, that phase can get better—with major effort and involvement on your part—but the story isn't one of hopping merrily from feeling one way to the next, from adapting in one manner to coping in another.
You just hurt your kid. I know you had a good reason, but that doesn't change the facts. Your help and guidance are needed right the fuck now to start easing the pain, so that there's even a chance that "it gets better."
posted by majick at 8:25 AM on May 26 [3 favorites]
My parents divorced 50 years ago, and despite there being some level of support, it left wounds that literally never healed; wounds that affect how I feel and behave today. I get to enjoy bouts of profound sadness directly related to the event.
Yes, that phase can get better—with major effort and involvement on your part—but the story isn't one of hopping merrily from feeling one way to the next, from adapting in one manner to coping in another.
You just hurt your kid. I know you had a good reason, but that doesn't change the facts. Your help and guidance are needed right the fuck now to start easing the pain, so that there's even a chance that "it gets better."
posted by majick at 8:25 AM on May 26 [3 favorites]
I am not a parent, I am an adult whose parents divorced when I was 19 and my brother was 12. We were happy they were finally doing it after years of tension in the house but there were and still are some feelings. I still foolishly wish my parents were together and doing retired-couple activities like travel and gardening and darts together.
If your kid's been taught that it's normal to argue and usually everything turns out right in the end (aka most children's television over the last 30 years) then I understand why he's surprised. Your challenge is to help him understand that "turns out right in the end" doesn't always mean "stays married" and can sometimes mean "we are all more functional and better people when we don't live together."
You are the best judge of your kid - if your kid is going to feel terrible about visiting Dad and leaving you AND the cat behind, maybe don't get a cat yet. But maybe he'll feel better that the cat will be keeping you company while he's gone.
Sending you both my best wishes. It'll be okay. Rough, but okay.
posted by kimberussell at 8:40 AM on May 26 [1 favorite]
If your kid's been taught that it's normal to argue and usually everything turns out right in the end (aka most children's television over the last 30 years) then I understand why he's surprised. Your challenge is to help him understand that "turns out right in the end" doesn't always mean "stays married" and can sometimes mean "we are all more functional and better people when we don't live together."
You are the best judge of your kid - if your kid is going to feel terrible about visiting Dad and leaving you AND the cat behind, maybe don't get a cat yet. But maybe he'll feel better that the cat will be keeping you company while he's gone.
Sending you both my best wishes. It'll be okay. Rough, but okay.
posted by kimberussell at 8:40 AM on May 26 [1 favorite]
You've had a lot of time to prepare for and process this separation. How long did it take for you to get to this point? Expect then it will take your child at least that amount of time. Also, if you don't have a friend network with divorced parents, please, please find your child friends with divorced parents. My friends with divorced parents were my guide to life and gave me candid advice that I still think about and value to this day. We also validated each other's experiences and feelings. That advice can't come from a therapist or another adult, it needs to come from a peer who has been there. Help your kid find them.
posted by Toddles at 9:19 AM on May 26 [3 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 9:19 AM on May 26 [3 favorites]
I know how hard it is to watch your kid hurt. Guilt makes it worse. I understand the instinct to do anything to minimize the experience and try to making it right. However, focusing on your kid’s hurt at this stage is a mistake.
You are hurting, you’re doing one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in your life. Working hard to try to shrink your kids grief may not work and takes energy away from your own healing.
Divorce can be a time of frenetic activity, you have to work, do all the chores, have a legal proceeding, unwind some large financial positions and probably move. This is all while you are grieving. At this stage you need to work hard to get support for you and remove tasks from your plate. Shrinking someone else’s grief is a task that can go.
Individual therapy for you and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is the way to go. Kids are resilient. There’s no need to worry about grief reactions for a couple of months at least. Give him some space and time, he might come around on his own.
posted by shock muppet at 9:24 AM on May 26 [1 favorite]
You are hurting, you’re doing one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in your life. Working hard to try to shrink your kids grief may not work and takes energy away from your own healing.
Divorce can be a time of frenetic activity, you have to work, do all the chores, have a legal proceeding, unwind some large financial positions and probably move. This is all while you are grieving. At this stage you need to work hard to get support for you and remove tasks from your plate. Shrinking someone else’s grief is a task that can go.
Individual therapy for you and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is the way to go. Kids are resilient. There’s no need to worry about grief reactions for a couple of months at least. Give him some space and time, he might come around on his own.
posted by shock muppet at 9:24 AM on May 26 [1 favorite]
Hi OP! Your question made me call my mom who got divorced when I was twelve (sixteen years ago). She says "when does it get better" is a tough question—in some ways never, because the original family has dissolved and died and will never be seen again. She also says it's really important to just listen and hear out your child, even though it's hard to listen to someone in pain, especially when you're in pain.
Before I called her I was going to ballpark my "getting better" at about college graduation. I was outwardly resigned to the divorce almost immediately. Also, my mom and I spent my high school years having frequent vicious fights about me not helping around the house, having a nasty attitude, and being on the computer too much. She was 100% correct about all of these but/and I was acting as someone who had been told by the world their preferences (life the same, parents married, not attending a high school where I knew nobody) fundamentally didn't matter. Consequently I was totally at sea about how to live a life where I valued my autonomy and did things in the real world that I enjoyed. I was also mega depressed! Hopefully this is not the case for your kid, and it's possible we would have had exactly as much of a nightmare time with a two-parent household, but it's one way divorce could add to teenage angst. Getting out of the house helped a lot with this particular reaction to circumstances and pattern of provoking each other. As implied we got through it and I love my mom very much. Thanks for the impetus to call her.
p.s. I was also surprised and hurt when my parents announced their divorce even though they hadn't been in the house at the same time for a full year. Kids do not know what's up.
posted by 26thandfinal at 10:23 AM on May 26 [4 favorites]
Before I called her I was going to ballpark my "getting better" at about college graduation. I was outwardly resigned to the divorce almost immediately. Also, my mom and I spent my high school years having frequent vicious fights about me not helping around the house, having a nasty attitude, and being on the computer too much. She was 100% correct about all of these but/and I was acting as someone who had been told by the world their preferences (life the same, parents married, not attending a high school where I knew nobody) fundamentally didn't matter. Consequently I was totally at sea about how to live a life where I valued my autonomy and did things in the real world that I enjoyed. I was also mega depressed! Hopefully this is not the case for your kid, and it's possible we would have had exactly as much of a nightmare time with a two-parent household, but it's one way divorce could add to teenage angst. Getting out of the house helped a lot with this particular reaction to circumstances and pattern of provoking each other. As implied we got through it and I love my mom very much. Thanks for the impetus to call her.
p.s. I was also surprised and hurt when my parents announced their divorce even though they hadn't been in the house at the same time for a full year. Kids do not know what's up.
posted by 26thandfinal at 10:23 AM on May 26 [4 favorites]
Unfortunately the dad is not a reliable person in terms of things like presenting a unified front, making clear plans, putting kid first. etc. I also have to be very careful to avoid triggering him in order to get him to sign the agreement. So yeah that’s a lot of emotional control I have to exercise.
My daughter's dad was/is also not reliable in these ways for a large percent of the time, which meant that I took all the reins to be sure to make that happen no matter what. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here; just saying that the faster you understand what the dad will realistically be able to contribute and be present for, the more you will be able to fill the roles he can/will not. But it sounds like you already have a pretty clear idea of that. Also, Brené Brown has some great things about compassion and the responsibility that comes with that.
As for the triggering, etc. – I cannot stress enough how important it is to get someone between you and your ex when it comes to the paperwork and other communications. We could not afford lawyers (and this is the one situation where I was so glad we didn't own anything like homes/property) and we used Hello Divorce. You didn't ask for recs on services like this, but it was SO incredibly helpful to have people facilitate the process and send everything to my ex and deal with chasing down signatures, etc. It's dependent on you situation, but you should not have to deal with the emotional burden of the logistics if there are people you can hire to deal with it for you.
posted by Molasses808 at 11:11 AM on May 26 [3 favorites]
My daughter's dad was/is also not reliable in these ways for a large percent of the time, which meant that I took all the reins to be sure to make that happen no matter what. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here; just saying that the faster you understand what the dad will realistically be able to contribute and be present for, the more you will be able to fill the roles he can/will not. But it sounds like you already have a pretty clear idea of that. Also, Brené Brown has some great things about compassion and the responsibility that comes with that.
As for the triggering, etc. – I cannot stress enough how important it is to get someone between you and your ex when it comes to the paperwork and other communications. We could not afford lawyers (and this is the one situation where I was so glad we didn't own anything like homes/property) and we used Hello Divorce. You didn't ask for recs on services like this, but it was SO incredibly helpful to have people facilitate the process and send everything to my ex and deal with chasing down signatures, etc. It's dependent on you situation, but you should not have to deal with the emotional burden of the logistics if there are people you can hire to deal with it for you.
posted by Molasses808 at 11:11 AM on May 26 [3 favorites]
My parents divorced 35 years ago and I'm still feeling it. The main thing I would suggest is to not talk about the other parent badly. Never. I spent my whole childhood with my dad telling me my mom was awful and vice versa. That really does damage. You're a kid so you trust your parents. But when they badmouth each other you don't know who to believe and you end up not trusting either of them. I'm not saying you have to be friendly with your ex but around the kid at least remain polite. You're not just talking about your ex. You're talking about that kid's other parent.
posted by downtohisturtles at 5:50 PM on May 26 [1 favorite]
posted by downtohisturtles at 5:50 PM on May 26 [1 favorite]
I'm going to suggest that there's a bunch of space to support your kid before it's technically talking shit. I think it's perfectly fine to tell your kid, "I wish your parent/teacher/coach wouldn't do that thing that way, and it's not how I would go about it. I can't control their behavior, though, and it has to reach a certain level of 'bad' before I have much recourse. Can we work on finding some ways to make it easier for you to get through?"
My parents never split up but my mother did a fair amount of this with me. Again, watching my friends who went through it at a young age, in the bad bad 80s when you could get away with locking your kids in your apartment for the weekend with some cereal and threats before going to stay with your girlfriend for the weekend because you didn't want visitation but it reduced your child support, and mom just saying nothing but packing a dozen cans of spaghettios with their overnight bags two weeks later? That is not the only way to not "badmouth" the other parent.
Because the end result of that was that very few pieces of critical information got back to the primary parent because the impression made there was that the primary parent "didn't care" and wouldn't help. Remember, kids don't know how bad a lot of things are objectively. They don't necessarily know the difference between abuse and unfamiliar behavior. It was worse when I was a kid, but kids today still don't necessarily know that "secrets" are a red flag.
I think it's okay to let them know you're not a wholehearted advocate of every single thing the other parent does. I do think there are teaching moments in here about how different people do different things in different ways and we DO have to find ways to roll with it, but also how to speak up for our own boundaries and voice our discomforts. There may be times when you actually can and should take his dad's "side" to some extent - if dad harmlessly does things differently than you and you're hearing the feedback about that, model the ways that adults deal with that same discomfort: look for the advantages, try to appreciate some diversity in habit and experience, figure out if there's an underlying problem that can be solved, and help coach him in communicating his needs AND know the difference between what he can reasonably be expected to negotiate and where you have to step in and take over.
Someone else above mentioned being realistic with yourself pretty quickly about what you can expect from your ex, and expressing those expectations in a very sanitized kid-friendly way is not wrong or poor parenting. You may need to learn to make your tone of voice right as you say, "Your dad's supposed to pick you up from school Friday, but I'll be checking in just in case he can't do this weekend after all. We'll do movie night." And you may struggle to keep that tone right when you say it for the 27th time knowing he won't show, and it's not fair that it's going to be on you to deal with the damage that does, but there comes a point where it is way more fair to your kid AND his dad to say out loud "Look, he's not good at this, it not because he doesn't love you and it's not because of you, he was like this before you existed and I just didn't realize."
Your kid's sense of security is always more important. "I don't know what he's going to do so this is our Plan B if it doesn't work out" is more important than giving the impression you think everything that guy does is great and you approve. And even if you never ever ever need that Plan B, what your kid is going to remember is that you HAD one and he didn't have to worry what was going to happen if things didn't go as expected.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:11 AM on May 27 [4 favorites]
My parents never split up but my mother did a fair amount of this with me. Again, watching my friends who went through it at a young age, in the bad bad 80s when you could get away with locking your kids in your apartment for the weekend with some cereal and threats before going to stay with your girlfriend for the weekend because you didn't want visitation but it reduced your child support, and mom just saying nothing but packing a dozen cans of spaghettios with their overnight bags two weeks later? That is not the only way to not "badmouth" the other parent.
Because the end result of that was that very few pieces of critical information got back to the primary parent because the impression made there was that the primary parent "didn't care" and wouldn't help. Remember, kids don't know how bad a lot of things are objectively. They don't necessarily know the difference between abuse and unfamiliar behavior. It was worse when I was a kid, but kids today still don't necessarily know that "secrets" are a red flag.
I think it's okay to let them know you're not a wholehearted advocate of every single thing the other parent does. I do think there are teaching moments in here about how different people do different things in different ways and we DO have to find ways to roll with it, but also how to speak up for our own boundaries and voice our discomforts. There may be times when you actually can and should take his dad's "side" to some extent - if dad harmlessly does things differently than you and you're hearing the feedback about that, model the ways that adults deal with that same discomfort: look for the advantages, try to appreciate some diversity in habit and experience, figure out if there's an underlying problem that can be solved, and help coach him in communicating his needs AND know the difference between what he can reasonably be expected to negotiate and where you have to step in and take over.
Someone else above mentioned being realistic with yourself pretty quickly about what you can expect from your ex, and expressing those expectations in a very sanitized kid-friendly way is not wrong or poor parenting. You may need to learn to make your tone of voice right as you say, "Your dad's supposed to pick you up from school Friday, but I'll be checking in just in case he can't do this weekend after all. We'll do movie night." And you may struggle to keep that tone right when you say it for the 27th time knowing he won't show, and it's not fair that it's going to be on you to deal with the damage that does, but there comes a point where it is way more fair to your kid AND his dad to say out loud "Look, he's not good at this, it not because he doesn't love you and it's not because of you, he was like this before you existed and I just didn't realize."
Your kid's sense of security is always more important. "I don't know what he's going to do so this is our Plan B if it doesn't work out" is more important than giving the impression you think everything that guy does is great and you approve. And even if you never ever ever need that Plan B, what your kid is going to remember is that you HAD one and he didn't have to worry what was going to happen if things didn't go as expected.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:11 AM on May 27 [4 favorites]
If you want to understand how divorce (even a "good divorce") affects a kid, you should read Between Two Worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt.
posted by tovarisch at 12:55 PM on May 29
posted by tovarisch at 12:55 PM on May 29
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If you have the ability to provide a stable safe home for a dog or cat companion, they can be a real balm to the heart. If you get a kitten, for heaven't sake get two kittens.
posted by amtho at 8:41 PM on May 25