Improving personal presentation?

May 17, 2024 7:03 AM

What are some options (resources, classes, activities, coaches?) for developing a more polished, confident demeanor and body language in day-to-day interactions?

I (AFAB) am a pretty functional person, but I naturally have a lightly awkward carriage and manner of speaking, the sort of thing that reads more as "a bit nerdy/adorkable" than as "diagnosably neurodivergent." Mannerisms like standing in awkward ways, speaking a bit too fast or in bursts, clasping hands or shrinking into weak space-minimizing postures, nervously over-nodding, responding too quickly, looking away or down when I speak, etc., are more pronounced when I'm thinking hard, explaining something complex, or navigating a delicate interpersonal topic: in the mental effort of processing complex ideas and framing them in language, I tend to forget what I'm doing with my body, hands, eyes or voice.

I do some public and small-group speaking (improvised, not scripted) and have noticed the much higher respect and credibility that attach to folks who have a smooth, powerful, compelling personal presence and delivery. I've reviewed various books and videos on body language and speech, but I have difficulty applying much of that information in practice, since, again, one big part of the issue is losing track of body stuff when I'm concentrating hard on something else. I could try videotaping myself or whatever, but I've found that conversely, forcing myself to be physically self-conscious really cuts into my ability to fluently think and speak on my feet.

I have a modest amount of time and money, maybe up to 10 hours and $300, that I'd like to spend on addressing this to whatever extent is possible. Any suggestions for resources, activities, classes? Or success stories in similar circumstances?

posted by Sockinian to Human Relations (17 answers total)

In case this helps searching for local resources I've heard this referred to as "executive presence coaching." Getting one-on-one help for this is probably not possible with your budget, but ten hours of youtube might actually get you a long way with this!
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 8:07 AM on May 17 [4 favorites]

These were topics covered in a course offered by the Business school at the university I attended, as both a class for the business students, and as a continuing education option for graduates, business professionals and community members. So I would check out local university/college/continuing education course offerings for in-person options. Course titles like“Business Etiquette” or “Professional Etiquette & Presentation” etc.

Toastmasters is another option.
posted by subwaytiles at 8:13 AM on May 17 [1 favorite]

You could try taking an improv class. It’s not necessarily targeted training for the things you want to address, but I found that it helped me feel comfortable being the center of attention, be more aware of what my body is doing, and get better at not losing track of myself while thinking on my feet. YYMV, of course, but it was a fun way to practice these sorts of skills.
posted by Maeve at 8:30 AM on May 17 [6 favorites]

forcing myself to be physically self-conscious really cuts into my ability to fluently think and speak on my feet

I think you should reconsider the "diagnosably neurodivergent" bit. The high cognitive load of consciously monitoring and controlling all aspects of your physical and vocal presentation is a classic sign of autistic masking.
posted by heatherlogan at 8:37 AM on May 17 [4 favorites]

I was also going to suggest Toastmasters for developing more confidence in speaking.
Improv classes are also a great way to develop confidence in speaking and you'll learn some lessons on how to convey status in your body. You could also read books by Keith Johnstone, who is one of the key originators of the kind of improv/theatersports people are familiar with.

I would also see if you could sign up for an Alexander Technique or Feldenkrais class. These are both movement techniques that actors or dancers might get training in. In these classes you'll learn a lot about alignment, how to move with ease, and develop overall body awareness.
posted by brookeb at 8:46 AM on May 17 [2 favorites]

I am completely non-social, but come alive socially through my work (but it has taken working on myself to do that). I now really enjoy it while I know others in my profession (landscape architect & ecologist) who're terrified of social stuff (they're unconsciuosly acting sociability - I now act consciously). It affects their design as they're conflict averse - hard questions are necessary sometimes, clients ask me to challenge them too. As a result I get better clients.

I posted this here seven years ago. I've really lifted the acting side of that since.

The changes I've effected started with two books and then working on what I learned, and also (through networking) finding people who would be honest about my approach, and give suggestions.

Janine Driver's You Say More Than You Think (former ATF field agent). She made me much more comfortable about being a big guy with a serious presence - and hands so large other men remark (weird!), I feel more comfortable with my names now too. I've worked a lot on body language and deploy myself completely differently depending on context (that mainly studying comms. in my degree, and listening to a talk by a cop where he said he changed his language level by context).

Sue Knight's NLP at Work has been very, very useful (and she's since written one on leadership). She has a very open mind and helped open mine to new situations.

I was a member of a BNI for a year, that helped me test and learn new approaches; the chance once a week to meet, talk and do short and long presentations in a very safe space and listen to others do the same. I stopped as I moved away from the city, but it was very valuable experience - and widened my human network.

For difficult things I write scripts and read them aloud to myself or to friends who act as a soundboard. Scripts also help me clean my language of triggers* (learned from the NLP book above, and asking questions here about trigger words) - and also help me build triggers into my script if I think there are problem people in the room (for instance fundamentalist are offended by the concept of evolution, so speaking of their site 'evolving into the future' is likely to prompt facial tics).

If you unknowingly trigger someone else it's much more likely to result in it affecting you and how the conversation flows. Much better to leard how (and when) to do it consciously and deliberately to your advantage.

So it has been, and will continue to be, a boot strapping exercise, of reading or hearing something, working that in and out, making connections, and extending again.
posted by unearthed at 8:54 AM on May 17 [2 favorites]

I have a friend who specializes in public speaking coaching for women and non-binary folks. She's also neurodivergent herself and gets how hard that can be when you want to speak up. She's pretty fantastic and kind. You can find more info about her here. Yes, she's based in Canada but she works with folks in the US and overseas.
posted by Kitteh at 9:24 AM on May 17

Nthing an improv class. (Yes, eponysterical.) The point of improv isn't to be funny. It's to 1) listen intently, 2) add to what is offered you, and 3) learn that what seems like a mistake is always a big opportunity.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 9:26 AM on May 17

If an improv class sounds like fun, I think it would be a great way to spend that time/money.

For me, it was a great way to 'try on' behaviors that I did not think would suit me, without needing to commit to them in any way. I guess some of them suited me better than expected, because I notice that I am at ease in a wider range of situations than before.
posted by demi-octopus at 10:00 AM on May 17

Media coaching might be an option. I actually took a class like that in college - the teacher taped us a lot and gave us feedback until we got desensitized to it.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 12:48 PM on May 17

Out of your price range, but speaker coaching is the thing that improved my public speaking. You’re looking for an outfit like this that coaches corporate types for conference keynotes and the like. I still remember a piece of feedback from the coach from 15 years ago, 1:1 coaching sticks with you. (I no longer put my hands in my pockets on the stage, I am not waiting for the bus). My employer paid for this.

I also took a public speaking course as a university undergraduate, it was helpful but not nearly as effective as speaker training.
posted by shock muppet at 1:34 PM on May 17

I really find myself in your description. I am now retired but my Work required me to present a polished and professional appearance.
What helped me more than anything (including Coaching from an expensive Coach) was dressing the part, in my case female versions of suits (but very masculine), in black, Gray or dark blue, regularly getting a good, easily maintained hair cut, do my nails (nothing fancy, just grooming them) and matching shoes that i only wore for professional appearance/work, so they never looked scruffy.
Especially the jackets were very helpful, i put them on like an armor. I always had one over the back of my office chair. And it is hard to slouch in a jacket (at least for me). I also If a suit was not required had some mens jackets (curderoy or Tweed) that i used in more informal professional settings.
Try some jackets on and see if it helps.
posted by 15L06 at 1:56 PM on May 17 [3 favorites]

Standing flat on both feet with weight equally balanced to both feet (not kicking a hip out) and feeling the earth support me helped a lot. Feeling grounded.

Spending some time talking out my anxiety helped: I’m afraid they will see that I am too ambitious so I try to hide it by…. Basically naming my worst case fear scenarios and thus relieving my subconscious of the desire to hide it. “So what if they find out X…. What is the worst thing that could happen if they found out X? If they reacted that worst case way, is my adult self present to handle it” etc

I literally tell my coworkers: hey I’m a visual thinker so sometimes I will stare up to the corner of the room while talking to you. I’m fully here and I’m engaged in the conversation, but I am so deeply picturing that of which I speak that helps me to look away while speaking. Every single one of them was ok with this (a couple said hahah me too).
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:03 PM on May 17 [3 favorites]

I mean, you basically lean in to who you are instead of trying to change it and it has this miraculous power of 1) relieving you of shame of these weird compensatory behaviors 2) shifting your self presentation to actually behave / feel more relaxed and powerful
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:06 PM on May 17 [6 favorites]

I would actually go in the other direction with this first and read Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. I'm not saying I think you have it, I don't think you need to for it to be useful. As heatherlogan mentioned, difficulty concentrating on what you're doing while being conscious of your physical presentation is a strong component of masking, so the book discusses it a lot.

There's probably a lot in the book that won't be applicable to you and you can skip, but what I learned from it is basically: being overly conscious and controlling of the way you present physically can make you come off as much more awkward, and letting go can actually make you seem more likable. That's not to say that you shouldn't make an effort to control your physical presentation, everybody has to - but it can backfire if you approach it from a point of view of “I need to cover up my awkward behaviours” as opposed to “I need to add and increase behaviours that telegraph genuine ease and comfort”.
posted by wheatlets at 7:51 AM on May 18 [3 favorites]

I've done a fair amount of public speaking across my life, from speech in high school through work presentations. The thing that I found the most helpful has been to give the same speech many, many times. At one point I calculated it out and I had give then same speech 200 times. After a couple dozen times, I could say the words easily without thinking about them, and so could focus on the presentation aspects-- the posture, the gestures, the tone, the blocking in the room. If you have some kind of text that you already know well, you could use that. And then even if you have to give the speech to an empty room and it feels completely silly, doing it enough times that you don't have to think about the words any more makes it possible to start working on those other aspects.

The other thing that I've found helpful is to remind myself going into a speech that the audience is rooting for you the presenter. They want you to be successful. They want to be entertained. When you can look like you're confident and look like you're enjoying yourself in speaking, the audience is delighted for you too.
posted by past unusual at 4:35 PM on May 19

Try an Alexander technique individual instructor. It can help you inhabit your body in more relaxed way, which naturally translates to a confident-vibe.
posted by j_curiouser at 5:12 PM on May 19