What do you mean I'm not invincible?
April 13, 2024 4:39 PM Subscribe
Having some Feelings™ about some recent test results.
I turned 40 recently, and thus had my first mammogram. I was warned at that scan that I'd likely have to come back for an ultrasound as my breast tissue is very dense. I ended up needing both a follow-up mammogram and an ultrasound due to some calcifications. At that appointment, I was told I needed a biopsy for those same calcifications. I also have a fibroadenoma that needs twice yearly ultrasounds.
As someone who has been very lucky up to now, health-wise, I'm feeling all sorts of ways about this. I've never had surgery, never been on any long-term meds, never even broken a bone up to this point. I guess I thought I was kind of invincible? It sounds silly to say out loud but that's what it feels like. During the appointment I was in kind of a daze and didn't really grasp what the Dr was saying till later. A talk with my husband calmed down the panicky feelings, but I'm still trying to process everything.
So to my question: I have read a lot about the biopsy process itself and know what to expect. I know this is a very common procedure, most of these biopsies are benign, etc. I'm looking for anything to help process these feelings in general. Books, videos, articles, personal anecdotes, anything is fair game. (NB: Please assume I know about therapy)
Thanks all!
I turned 40 recently, and thus had my first mammogram. I was warned at that scan that I'd likely have to come back for an ultrasound as my breast tissue is very dense. I ended up needing both a follow-up mammogram and an ultrasound due to some calcifications. At that appointment, I was told I needed a biopsy for those same calcifications. I also have a fibroadenoma that needs twice yearly ultrasounds.
As someone who has been very lucky up to now, health-wise, I'm feeling all sorts of ways about this. I've never had surgery, never been on any long-term meds, never even broken a bone up to this point. I guess I thought I was kind of invincible? It sounds silly to say out loud but that's what it feels like. During the appointment I was in kind of a daze and didn't really grasp what the Dr was saying till later. A talk with my husband calmed down the panicky feelings, but I'm still trying to process everything.
So to my question: I have read a lot about the biopsy process itself and know what to expect. I know this is a very common procedure, most of these biopsies are benign, etc. I'm looking for anything to help process these feelings in general. Books, videos, articles, personal anecdotes, anything is fair game. (NB: Please assume I know about therapy)
Thanks all!
I can't speak to the fibroadenoma but as far as I (cis female, 56) can tell, pretty much every woman with large breasts I know ended up with a biopsy because she didn't have textbook perfect breasts. Nobody has textbook perfect breasts. I thought I'd processed my feelings and stuff about my need for more tests after my first mammogram but after the six month wait for the follow-up/ultrasound/biopsy, I was almost flattened with stress release and relief. And just like you, I knew the odds were in my favor. So no matter how you work to process all the emotional stuff, be gentle with yourself because your body is feeling that stress along with your mind. Small treats, extra sleep, saying no to things you don't want to do, etc.
Fingers crossed for good results for you!
posted by gentlyepigrams at 6:10 PM on April 13 [4 favorites]
Fingers crossed for good results for you!
posted by gentlyepigrams at 6:10 PM on April 13 [4 favorites]
I think not being attached to the outcome, to the extent that that's possible for you, is the best way to go. You either have cancer or you don't. That part's already over. All that's going to happen is that you're going to find out.
When I had a biopsy for calcifications, I did enough research to figure out what to look for, and I knew when I saw the image at the biopsy that they were almost certainly cancerous. You can do that with the mammogram and ultrasound results if that's your sort of thing, but I wouldn't do it if you're going to be freaked out if you don't like the answer.
The thing I'll say for calcifications, though, is that if they are cancerous, they probably represent a very, very early-stage cancer—Stage 0 (DCIS), possibly Stage 1—so it's almost certainly highly treatable and you'll have lots of options. It's worth remembering that "cancer" is an expansive word that describes hundreds of kinds of experiences. I've been diagnosed with cancer twice (different cancers :) and it wasn't great, but cancer's not the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
posted by knock my sock and i'll clean your clock at 6:55 PM on April 13 [10 favorites]
When I had a biopsy for calcifications, I did enough research to figure out what to look for, and I knew when I saw the image at the biopsy that they were almost certainly cancerous. You can do that with the mammogram and ultrasound results if that's your sort of thing, but I wouldn't do it if you're going to be freaked out if you don't like the answer.
The thing I'll say for calcifications, though, is that if they are cancerous, they probably represent a very, very early-stage cancer—Stage 0 (DCIS), possibly Stage 1—so it's almost certainly highly treatable and you'll have lots of options. It's worth remembering that "cancer" is an expansive word that describes hundreds of kinds of experiences. I've been diagnosed with cancer twice (different cancers :) and it wasn't great, but cancer's not the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
posted by knock my sock and i'll clean your clock at 6:55 PM on April 13 [10 favorites]
The thing I'll say for calcifications, though, is that if they are cancerous, they probably represent a very, very early-stage cancer—Stage 0 (DCIS), possibly Stage 1—so it's almost certainly highly treatable and you'll have lots of options.
This is the key point. By far the most likely outcome if it is cancer (did they give you a BIRADS score?) is DCIS, which means either a lumpectomy (unlikely to need chemo or radiation) or even enrolling in a clinical trial to compare whether surveillance has comparable outcomes to the lumpectomy. No one wants this, and when I had my own calcifications biopsied I was brutally anxious til I got the results, but in the end this is very unlikely to be life-changing even if the biopsy finds something.
I would gently encourage you to stay away from the support forums for now. I think you should avoid "cancer drama" until it actually knocks on your door. Cancer forums can be unbelievably valuable sources of practical information and emotional support, but, for breast cancer in particular, a lot of people posting on the forums have made their diagnosis a load-bearing part of their personality, and I'm not sure that's the best way to go with DCIS.
posted by praemunire at 7:48 PM on April 13 [4 favorites]
This is the key point. By far the most likely outcome if it is cancer (did they give you a BIRADS score?) is DCIS, which means either a lumpectomy (unlikely to need chemo or radiation) or even enrolling in a clinical trial to compare whether surveillance has comparable outcomes to the lumpectomy. No one wants this, and when I had my own calcifications biopsied I was brutally anxious til I got the results, but in the end this is very unlikely to be life-changing even if the biopsy finds something.
I would gently encourage you to stay away from the support forums for now. I think you should avoid "cancer drama" until it actually knocks on your door. Cancer forums can be unbelievably valuable sources of practical information and emotional support, but, for breast cancer in particular, a lot of people posting on the forums have made their diagnosis a load-bearing part of their personality, and I'm not sure that's the best way to go with DCIS.
posted by praemunire at 7:48 PM on April 13 [4 favorites]
As the owner of dense breasts (50yo cis female) who will now have a bonus ultrasound with every mammogram after a recent scare, all of what praemunire said. Especially avoiding the support forums and the outsized emotional impact they can have in times like this.
Also, while not wishing this burden on anyone, I had a definite shift in perspective upon learning that we're not some tiny, cursed minority - 50% of women have breasts somewhere on the spectrum of 'dense'. And while we may have a slightly higher risk of getting breast cancer, we are no more likely to die from it than our fattier-breasted counterparts.
As for the fiberadenoma: had one in college and what helped me deal was having the damn thing removed. Is that an option for you? If not, then just know that one of these turning cancerous is so rare that it warrants an article in a medical journal.
Wishing you peace of mind and reassuring test results. Take care.
posted by Lycaon_pictus at 9:05 PM on April 13 [1 favorite]
Also, while not wishing this burden on anyone, I had a definite shift in perspective upon learning that we're not some tiny, cursed minority - 50% of women have breasts somewhere on the spectrum of 'dense'. And while we may have a slightly higher risk of getting breast cancer, we are no more likely to die from it than our fattier-breasted counterparts.
As for the fiberadenoma: had one in college and what helped me deal was having the damn thing removed. Is that an option for you? If not, then just know that one of these turning cancerous is so rare that it warrants an article in a medical journal.
Wishing you peace of mind and reassuring test results. Take care.
posted by Lycaon_pictus at 9:05 PM on April 13 [1 favorite]
So, ya know, you were going to get some sort of wake-up call like this sooner or later. And I can verify, it’s scary, it can definitely be harmful to your confidence, and you end up thinking about a lot of things you maybe didn’t want to think about.
I’m a guy, so I can’t speak to the whole “something on the mammogram” feeling (although not so fun fact - I had a male co-worker who is a breast cancer survivor, so guys aren’t immune!) I did notice some bumps under the skin in the groin area a few years back, which was alarming because a. they’re lumps and b. my wife had recently lost one of her clients at work to lymphoma and these were apparently enough to worry my doc about the same thing. I ended up getting an ultrasound - a half hour with a couple of young techs going over the whole area in detail, oh good god I wanted to just curl up and hide, why can’t this be automated! - and it turned out to be nothing to worry about. But for about a week I was understandably freaked out. I will say this - having your illusion of invincibility broken isn’t a bad thing. It is a reminder that we all have a time limit. So make plans to go do the things you want to do, and spend time with the people you want to spend time with. You will get more reminders of this as time goes on, not just health scares but things happening to those close to you. (The sudden death of a family member last year, someone we all did feel like was kinda invincible, has driven this home for me and has given me a new sense of urgency on doing the stuff I wanna do.) Figure out what’s important in life. Go do things. And take care of yourself.
And lastly - here’s hoping all ends up being well. Waiting sucks.
posted by azpenguin at 10:04 PM on April 13 [6 favorites]
I’m a guy, so I can’t speak to the whole “something on the mammogram” feeling (although not so fun fact - I had a male co-worker who is a breast cancer survivor, so guys aren’t immune!) I did notice some bumps under the skin in the groin area a few years back, which was alarming because a. they’re lumps and b. my wife had recently lost one of her clients at work to lymphoma and these were apparently enough to worry my doc about the same thing. I ended up getting an ultrasound - a half hour with a couple of young techs going over the whole area in detail, oh good god I wanted to just curl up and hide, why can’t this be automated! - and it turned out to be nothing to worry about. But for about a week I was understandably freaked out. I will say this - having your illusion of invincibility broken isn’t a bad thing. It is a reminder that we all have a time limit. So make plans to go do the things you want to do, and spend time with the people you want to spend time with. You will get more reminders of this as time goes on, not just health scares but things happening to those close to you. (The sudden death of a family member last year, someone we all did feel like was kinda invincible, has driven this home for me and has given me a new sense of urgency on doing the stuff I wanna do.) Figure out what’s important in life. Go do things. And take care of yourself.
And lastly - here’s hoping all ends up being well. Waiting sucks.
posted by azpenguin at 10:04 PM on April 13 [6 favorites]
As a cancer survivor still in possession of a single, dense breast, there are a few things I’d recommend:
- try to get a 3-D mammogram, they provide far more detail
- if you do get a biopsy, make sure the Dr doing the biopsy waits *at least* 10 minutes after the lidocaine shot. It takes that long to take effect. Don’t be me and pass out from the pain because they didn’t wait long enough.
- be prepared for some added anxiety after the biopsy. I usually take an anti- anxiety med for a few days so I’m not a bundle of nerves (and I’m not a generally anxious person). The waiting really IS the hardest part.
posted by dbmcd at 10:49 PM on April 13 [2 favorites]
- try to get a 3-D mammogram, they provide far more detail
- if you do get a biopsy, make sure the Dr doing the biopsy waits *at least* 10 minutes after the lidocaine shot. It takes that long to take effect. Don’t be me and pass out from the pain because they didn’t wait long enough.
- be prepared for some added anxiety after the biopsy. I usually take an anti- anxiety med for a few days so I’m not a bundle of nerves (and I’m not a generally anxious person). The waiting really IS the hardest part.
posted by dbmcd at 10:49 PM on April 13 [2 favorites]
You are not alone - it's a fundamental human thing to sort of subconsciously believe one is invincible. There is this moment in the Mahabharata called the yaksha-prashna -- a riddle contest with a disguised god. The punchline is: the final riddle is:
What is the most amazing thing in the universe?
Answer:
Every day, we all see people around us fall ill, wither away, and die. And yet each of us, to ourselves, thinks: "I will live forever." That is the most amazing thing in the universe.
I hope it helps you to know that it is supremely common to have that subconscious feeling of invulnerability and then to have it unpleasantly punctured. Your ancestors and probably most people who have ever lived have gone through this disorientation. It's a theme in religious texts, art, and philosophy going back millenia. If you are foolish here it is a sort of folly that seems to be built in to us along with our spines and hearts.
posted by brainwane at 1:48 AM on April 14 [4 favorites]
What is the most amazing thing in the universe?
Answer:
Every day, we all see people around us fall ill, wither away, and die. And yet each of us, to ourselves, thinks: "I will live forever." That is the most amazing thing in the universe.
I hope it helps you to know that it is supremely common to have that subconscious feeling of invulnerability and then to have it unpleasantly punctured. Your ancestors and probably most people who have ever lived have gone through this disorientation. It's a theme in religious texts, art, and philosophy going back millenia. If you are foolish here it is a sort of folly that seems to be built in to us along with our spines and hearts.
posted by brainwane at 1:48 AM on April 14 [4 favorites]
I went through a similar health thing about four years ago, going from feeling healthy and invincible to getting multiple health conditions investigated or diagnosed in quick succession. It was a huge blow to my sense of security in my body, my self-image as a fit, healthy person, and my sense that I understood how the world works (“If I keep running and eating well, I’ll definitely live a long, healthy life”). I mean, I knew that plenty of fit, healthy people got sick, but I worked in the sports and physical activity sector, in a world where people use exercise to experience a sense of control over their bodies. It was really destabilising.
The main thing that helped was time, I think. My sense of self and world view just adjusted to the reality of being middle aged. Talking about it with friends revealed just how many people have lived through health scares or live with chronic, mildly bothersome health conditions and just get on with life. I was fortunate that the conditions I have/had either cleared up eventually or are controllable and now monitored. I’m back to being able to exercise and feel good about it.
None of this speaks to your specific tests and what they might turn out to reveal - more about the point in life where your sense of control and invulnerability is punctured. It happens to absolutely everyone at some point (at least, those of us who were lucky enough to have the invulnerability delusion in the first place).
So - give it time and be gentle with yourself while this is all new to you.
posted by penguin pie at 3:27 AM on April 14 [3 favorites]
The main thing that helped was time, I think. My sense of self and world view just adjusted to the reality of being middle aged. Talking about it with friends revealed just how many people have lived through health scares or live with chronic, mildly bothersome health conditions and just get on with life. I was fortunate that the conditions I have/had either cleared up eventually or are controllable and now monitored. I’m back to being able to exercise and feel good about it.
None of this speaks to your specific tests and what they might turn out to reveal - more about the point in life where your sense of control and invulnerability is punctured. It happens to absolutely everyone at some point (at least, those of us who were lucky enough to have the invulnerability delusion in the first place).
So - give it time and be gentle with yourself while this is all new to you.
posted by penguin pie at 3:27 AM on April 14 [3 favorites]
Time is the important thing.
You need time to process these feelings. It is totally okay and normal to have the feelings. They are uncomfortable, but that is okay, we can sit with discomfort until we process and fully categorize and file the feelings away wherever they should go.
You're already part of the way there! You recognize this as an immortality issue, you know why it's making you feel the way you feel.
I also think everybody should have these books on their bookshelf as part of their Life Operations Library, and you could pick up any one of them today and probably find at least 3 ways to effectively process and contextualize your feelings:
- The Resilience Workbook: Essential Skills to Recover from Stress, Trauma, and Adversity
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: the Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses Including Health, Career, and Faith
- Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle
posted by Lyn Never at 8:45 AM on April 14 [3 favorites]
You need time to process these feelings. It is totally okay and normal to have the feelings. They are uncomfortable, but that is okay, we can sit with discomfort until we process and fully categorize and file the feelings away wherever they should go.
You're already part of the way there! You recognize this as an immortality issue, you know why it's making you feel the way you feel.
I also think everybody should have these books on their bookshelf as part of their Life Operations Library, and you could pick up any one of them today and probably find at least 3 ways to effectively process and contextualize your feelings:
- The Resilience Workbook: Essential Skills to Recover from Stress, Trauma, and Adversity
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: the Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses Including Health, Career, and Faith
- Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle
posted by Lyn Never at 8:45 AM on April 14 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for your input!
I had the biopsy last week, and got results that it was benign today :)
posted by cozenedindigo at 7:08 PM on April 30 [2 favorites]
I had the biopsy last week, and got results that it was benign today :)
posted by cozenedindigo at 7:08 PM on April 30 [2 favorites]
YAY! So happy for you!
posted by WithWildAbandon at 8:57 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]
posted by WithWildAbandon at 8:57 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]
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Be careful about going online and reading support blogs. Most people don’t post on those when everything is going well, so you’re going to be reading skewed information. Same thing for Dr Google—it can really mess with your head.
One thing that helped me was looking at the odds in a different way. Say the odds are 80/20 in your favor that everything will be fine. You’re probably still worried, right? Because there’s still a 20% chance of bad news. Look at it the opposite way—If you were told the odds were 80/20 AGAINST good news, you’d probably be thinking it was certain you’d have bad news. So why not take that 80% good news for what it is?
I might not be explaining it well, but it did help me.
Can you take your husband or a friend with you to future appts? I totally get being in a daze. Having someone with you can help you with remembering everything.
Good luck to you. If it helps, I had to have multiple surgical biopsies and everything has been fine. Sending positive thoughts your way!
posted by WithWildAbandon at 4:54 PM on April 13 [8 favorites]