"Workplaces are inherently dysfunctional"

April 10, 2024 10:48 AM

This is my sister's quote. I am experiencing some crazy things at work.

I have received a number of texts from a co worker who resigned yesterday. I have been getting them for a few days, beginning with "I am off for a while" and ending with "Watch your Back" (actually that one was used twice). Every one of them could qualify as slander or libel (I forget which is which). One of them said "[our new supervisor] talked about how we (meaning her and I) are rude to clients." Which is laughable, because even though he is new, he is one of the kindest, nicest, most genuine men I've ever met. I don't see him talking about me to someone else. Others were downright delusional.

I may have to block the constant stream of negativity.

Is it a terrible idea to ask him if, when I did something wrong/off, that he would tell me that?

I would absolutely leave it at that. I work hard at being pleasant and professional. I don't truck in gossip.

Also, we know someone in common and she has kinda conflated that makes us friends.

posted by intrepid_simpleton to Work & Money (18 answers total)

People who quit in a huff or get fired sometimes cast about to see if they can get some chaos brewing in their wake as they head off.

Ignore them, or at most, reply only by shifting gears into wishing them well or asking what they might do next.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:51 AM on April 10 [20 favorites]

Block them, and do not bring it up with your supervisor. You do not want to involve yourself with your co-worker even after the fact. My sister says "don't let a negative person get their yuck on you." You can ask for feed back about your work at another time.
posted by momochan at 10:53 AM on April 10 [26 favorites]

Response by poster: I hope I don't sound naive. Due to a disability (and taking forever to finish college) I started the workforce late (and often lamented, "It was a great experiment, but it failed.") There should be courses on how to interact properly also with these people. I feel like I came in unarmed.
posted by intrepid_simpleton at 10:59 AM on April 10 [2 favorites]

I think it's hard, no matter what, to know just what to do in a situation like this if you haven't experienced it before but, yeah, block her and move on is my advice too.

I also try not to exchange personal info like phone numbers with coworkers until I get to know them better. And I do not friend them on social media at all (although sometimes I will after we're no longer coworkers if they have become friends at that point.)
posted by dawkins_7 at 11:03 AM on April 10

Response by poster: dawkins_7

I also try not to exchange personal info like phone numbers with coworkers until I get to know them better

It's kind of the culture here. We ask for/offer shifts via texts, and [our supervisor] also sends us messages via text. (We're not high enough up the chain to have company phones.)
posted by intrepid_simpleton at 11:14 AM on April 10 [2 favorites]

Your former coworker is out of line and should not be texting you this stuff. You are entirely within your rights (and your lane) to block them and say nothing. You do not need to say anything to anyone else about this -- not former coworker, not boss, not colleague, not mutual friend. (Former coworker may, however, try to triangulate via mutual friend; in that case, you can say something like "He left our workplace and got kinda negative about it. I still have to work there, you know?" and let it go.)

As for your new boss, you could ask something like "How do you typically handle situations with an unhappy client, just so I know?" during a one-on-one meeting. Do not bring up anything your former coworker said, just find out what you need to know to feel reassured and keep your boss content.

Ask a Manager is a great way to get acclimated to workplace norms. It's recommended a lot on MeFi.
posted by humbug at 11:30 AM on April 10 [16 favorites]

You don’t need to engage with your former colleague beyond basic politeness, or (really really don’t do this) bring it up with your supervisor.

But, maybe consider the possibility that the universe is offering you some information about your workplace, and the circumstances in which some people leave it. File it mentally under “Interesting although Not Currently Relevant; Possibly to be Reviewed Later”.
posted by rd45 at 12:58 PM on April 10 [9 favorites]

I just retired from a company I worked at for 26 years. I remember being told by others in the company after I was hired that you can't trust management, they promised us bonuses if we made such and such a goal and we never got them. But I had just left a company that got bought out, so on my Richter scale of concerns it was a fairly tiny blip.

Personally I find lazy or unqualified workers (or poor managers) to be a constant irritant in a workplace, and to the extent that most workplaces have at least some of them, I agree with the sister of the OP. I also agree with rd45's comment that you may be receiving wisdom from the universe, but it may not be relevant to your immediate circumstances (just as mine wasn't 26 years ago).
posted by forthright at 1:26 PM on April 10 [3 favorites]

Ignore/block the former coworker and do not believe anything they tell you. I think it would be okay to tell your supervisor something like, "I am getting some texts from [former coworker] that are making me uncomfortable, and I wanted to let you know." Your supervisor can ask for more info if they'd like.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:41 PM on April 10 [1 favorite]

Without knowing more, it's hard to say whether the coworker is delusional or your workplace is genuinely toxic and they're trying to do you a solid. Or both! It can be both.

Either way, I think the answer is the same - don't say anything you wouldn't want read out loud in court, and keep a careful eye out at work.
posted by corb at 1:43 PM on April 10 [14 favorites]

I would not say a thing to your supervisor. This person is leaving; there's no reason to amplify or continue the drama. I wouldn't even bother to block them unless it continues - I think there's a good chance the texts will just peter out. I would just mentally file the info, as rd465 says, and move on.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:46 PM on April 10 [6 favorites]

Is it a terrible idea to ask him if, when I did something wrong/off, that he would tell me that?

You yourself describe this person as DELUSIONAL. What value does the opinion of a delusional person have to you?
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:13 PM on April 10 [4 favorites]

Is it a terrible idea to ask him if, when I did something wrong/off, that he would tell me that?

Nope. Although I might posit it as more of a "Since we're getting to know each other I thought I'd let you know that I'm prepared for and prefer direct feedback. Sometimes I feel a bit lost without it." That's a good thing to have straight with your boss.

As for your ex-coworker I would just let it go for a few days. If it drags into weeks then start blocking, etc. but for now I would just assume they are blowing off steam.

because even though he is new, he is one of the kindest, nicest, most genuine men I've ever met.
...
I hope I don't sound naive.

Saying "he is" rather than "he appears to be" does seem to show a certain inexperience. The business world is full of people who look great up front, but you should probably temper your expectations until you've worked with him for a while.

Trust, but verify.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:30 PM on April 10 [5 favorites]

So, I would describe this not as "some crazy things at work", but rather as "being targeted by a crazy but fortunately now-ex co-worker". The simplest explanation for this situation is (as you surmise) that this person is simply delusional and has latched on to you as a nice target to dump their delusions onto. You should feel no guilt over blocking them, since if this person were still your co-worker, these texts sound like they would easily qualify as workplace harassment.

Be aware that sometimes employees resign because they have been given the choice to resign without prejudice or be fired for cause.
posted by heatherlogan at 5:09 PM on April 10

Keep in mind that anything you text to them can be screenshotted and sent to other former coworkers, your boss, your mutual friend, etc.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:52 PM on April 10 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: All good points. It's been over 3 months and things are still smooth.

showbiz_liz: you made me laugh, and you are right.

And the only thing I wrote back was, sorry to hear this, good luck in the future, so that will probably be all right. (This cw is the least technological of us so there's that.)

I appreciate all the input.
posted by intrepid_simpleton at 8:02 PM on April 10 [5 favorites]

Based on what you've said about your current place of employment, it does sound like a pretty terrible place to be. So it's not that unusual for an ex-co-worker to give you advice and other self-regarded bon mots. If you don't want to interact with this person, just ignore or block. Calling them delusional seems weird and unfounded, unless you know something with firsthand knowledge.

Certainly when I've left a toxic workplace, I was so happy to be gone and would occasionally check in with friends who were still there about what was going on. So is this that unusual? No, perhaps this person thinks they have a better relationship with you than you do?

Please absolutely do not contact HR or this person's former manager.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 2:03 PM on April 11

Response by poster: computech, are you thinking of my last job, the one I quit? This one isn't outstanding, but it's not Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights either. I don't have any problem waiting it out til retirement and my new boss of three months is working out just fine--even let me teach a class here. I'm sorry if it seemed weird and unfounded to you, but I do have firsthand knowledge that I didn't feel like writing a novel about, but certainly could.

And I think "occasional checking in" and raving, personal diatribes every hour are miles apart.

Thank you for your input. I have no intentions of contacting either HR or my boss/her former boss except as described above.
posted by intrepid_simpleton at 3:45 PM on April 11 [1 favorite]