Ideas for fixing this foot-in-the-mouth faux pas, please!

April 6, 2024 7:01 AM

I did a very poor job of expressing myself. Any recommendations about how to fix it?

I know a person whom I respect very much and who has provided excellent professional guidance for me whenever I've requested it. They are in an occupation that is very valuable to society, but that typically only offers positions that are part-time and pay minimum wage. Person has told me that this occupation is their passion.

Person was lamenting to me that they have a colleague who arrives to work late, calls in sick when they are not really sick, does not do all of their assigned duties while at work, etc., and so Person is put in a position to have to take up their slack.

I said, "I wonder why they work there since they obviously don't seem to like the job." Person said, "They tried working in another profession, but they got fired and came back to their old job."

Here is the foot-in-mouth part: I responded, "Well, do they want to work at that part-time, minimum-wage job for the rest of their life?" Person was very offended, and said, "I work part-time and at minimum wage." And then person walked away and has been very distant toward me since.

I wrote a note of apology and said that the metric I used was a poor, inaccurate one, and that what I meant was, "Do they want to work in a profession for the rest of their life that they clearly have no respect for and no passion for?"

I absolutely do not care if people choose to work for minimum wage or if people choose to work part-time. It wouldn't even occur to me to judge someone for something like that. I don't even know why I expressed myself in the inaccurate way that I did.

I am in a position where I must continue to be in Person's company on a regular basis, and I don't know how to proceed going forward with Person. Any advice?

posted by SageTrail to Society & Culture (10 answers total)

You made a mistake, you apologized to the best of your ability and you’ll try your hardest to do better in the future. That’s all you can do. It’s up to the offended person how to proceed, not you. If they want to freeze you out forever, that’s their right. They were injured and have every right to protect themselves from injury.

But if your actions match your apology, they’ll probably come around. But that, again, is up to them 100%. You can’t make them accept your apology, and you can’t undo the offense. Move forward, do better in the future, and put this behind you, because I’m sure they don’t want to be reminded of it.
posted by Ookseer at 7:28 AM on April 6 [13 favorites]

How long has it been since you wrote the note? Maybe they are just busy and need to stew a bit. The next time you see them, be the first to go up and be ready with a short and sweet apology and then let them talk and don’t spend any time trying to explain the nuances of what you said or meant to say. The short apology should be, “friend! I hope you have forgiven me, I really put my foot in it and I’m sorry.” That’s it. Then listen and this is key: don’t get defensive.
posted by amanda at 7:31 AM on April 6 [4 favorites]

I personally would say something along the lines of: "Hey, I'm sorry I said that dick thing that I said. I'm working on being less of a dick. Thank you for calling me out."
posted by phunniemee at 9:25 AM on April 6 [8 favorites]

"I wrote a note of apology and said that the metric I used was a poor, inaccurate one, and that what I meant was, 'Do they want to work in a profession for the rest of their life that they clearly have no respect for and no passion for?'"

Based on what you've shared it sounds like you apologized for the content of your words (good), but maybe didn't address the hurt feelings and disrespect. A good apology shouldn't only focus on explaining or correcting your previously bad acts though that's important because it shows you know what was wrong. A good apology also needs to it should focus on addressing the emotional impact of your words and acknowledging the wronged person's feelings.

So I do think you could offer one more apology where it's really focused on how you regret the hurt feelings you caused and the disrespect you showed. But as Ookseer says you have to let it go. It's up to other person whether or not they want to accept your apology, but I would expect things to go back to the way they were before this incident any time soon (or ever).
posted by brookeb at 9:42 AM on April 6 [2 favorites]

“Well, do they want to work at that part-time, minimum-wage job for the rest of their life?"

This is an extremely prevalent attitude and your words probably hit some serious buttons based on societal shame and likely some internalized ones as well.

If I were to apologize I would make clear that I had adopted a really screwed up societal viewpoint and now that this has happened I’ve reconsidered how off-base it is.

It’s not about what you were trying to say, it’s that you lumped yourself in with their persecutors and you need to make clear that you have reformed yourself.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:07 PM on April 6 [2 favorites]

Part-time minimum wage jobs are generally undesirable, because earning very little is challenging for almost everyone and having a job of low social status (regardless of its inherent value) is hard for most. But there's recognizing that, and then there's thinking that the associated stigma is deserved, either by the work or by the worker. There's no way to explain that you mention the former to a friend who is hurt because she thinks you meant the latter, so I endorse amanda's approach. I just wanted to reassure you that you weren't being some terrible asshole, even if your friend never wants to speak to you again. You were thoughtless in your expression and it hurt her and you have to accept the consequences of that, but you'll be more sensitive next time.
posted by praemunire at 2:01 PM on April 6 [1 favorite]

I suggest reminding your friend of all the times you've asked them for professional guidance. That may help them put your single faux-pas comment in perspective.

They might have viewed you as a safe space where they won't receive judgment about their job. When you made the comment, they might think that you secretly also look down on them, and that your subsequent apology is just a white lie. They might fear that your accidental comment is how you truly feel when you let yourself be honest.

You could say, "I want to say thanks for the advice you gave me about [situation]. It was really good advice. Based on your suggestion, I decided to do [action], and it led to [great result]. I want to explicltly thank you because I expressed myself poorly last time we spoke, and I felt especially guilty because you're one of the few people that I actually ask work advice from and whose judgement I trust. I hope you'll think back over all the years when I've asked you for advice and consider what all of my actions say, not just the one time I misspoke."
posted by cheesecake at 2:16 PM on April 6 [3 favorites]

Right now I think you should do nothing further, having already apologized, but give this person space. *If* they respond to your apology in a way that gives you room for further discussion, yes, I think some further apology focused on the harm done rather than just what you wish you’d said is in order. Otherwise, give them time and let them lead the way on how you two interact when you are in company together next time. If they opt for polite but chilly, then don’t push for any further discussion.
posted by Stacey at 2:58 PM on April 6 [3 favorites]

Other person is embarrassed about their personal situation, and mad at you for casting shade on it. You apologized, which is all you can do, though I think your apology was weird, whatever, you tried. Carry on as if nothing had happened, they will come around, or not, nothing more for you to do.
posted by ixipkcams at 11:08 PM on April 6 [1 favorite]

I look at this kind of contretemps as a speed bump. Like, whatever I said came out of my mouth for some reason and not just randomly. So did I express unacknowledged prejudice or aggression or resentment towards the other person? This kind of stuff is hard to acknowledge while the wound is still fresh on both sides. So, like others have suggested maybe give it some time and it's possible some insight will come to the surface.

One thing that's good to say if you care for the person is that the behavior was disrespectful but it didn't come out of any lack of respect. But I would say something like that only after being pretty clear about why it happened and that I could commit to not doing it again.
posted by BibiRose at 8:10 AM on April 7 [2 favorites]