I have the sense that the world is mad down-pat
July 30, 2011 11:09 AM   Subscribe

Under what circumstances is it acceptable to laugh at one's own joke, and what are the social implications of doing so?

There are certainly times when a joke is best delivered deadpan, and times when it's best delivered with a grin. And when nobody else is laughing, it seems pretty clear that to laugh at your own joke would be self-indulgent at best.

But when others laugh aloud at what I've said, sometimes I find myself in a bind -- one instinct tells me to join in others' laughter so as not to detract from the moment, while another tells me I'll look self-impressed if I do.

- Do you ever laugh at your own jokes? When?

- If you do laugh at your own jokes, do you consider yourself an extroverted person? Is autohilarity basically just an indicium of being a fun, hearty, larger-than-life extrovert type? Such that it comes across as unnatural or forced from people who do not present themselves that way?

- Are there status connotations? (There are definitely status connotations to joking more generally -- to make someone laugh, is to express at least some power over him, even if it's just the coequal power of mutual affection; and to laugh at someone else, is at least somewhat deferential, and sometimes it's even obsequious.) But if someone goes so far as to at his own joke, is he to some extent implying, 'I command when we will laugh and when we will not.'?

- Are the rules different if your audience's laughter is helpless laughter, as opposed to ordinary at-least-somewhat-voluntary laughter? If you've genuinely said something hysterical such that people are laughing involuntarily, is it somehow more obnoxious to remain silent yourself, as though you're tolerating their amusement while remaining above it? And does it put a wet blanket on others' amusement in quite the same way that it would if it were another audience member, instead of the joke-teller, who remained unlaughing?
posted by foursentences to Human Relations (32 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
This much beanplating is exhausting to read. It might be more helpful to narrow down your question to an experience or two and ask the crown why the joke did or did not work. It could be from your experience or another person's.

As it is, your questions are so all over the place, My honest answer is that if you're that unclear about it, then don't do it. Watch others and see how they do it and try to mimic them.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:21 AM on July 30, 2011 [6 favorites]


If it's funny I laugh. Sometimes I'm the only one and people start laughing at me laughing.

If I couldn't laugh at myself and with myself my life would be pathetic.

Don't worry so much.
posted by TooFewShoes at 11:31 AM on July 30, 2011 [15 favorites]


Dude, I crack myself up all the time. Yes, I am an extrovert, but honestly I don't think that matters if you're telling a joke or being funny. It's fine to laugh. It will not make you look self-impressed.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:33 AM on July 30, 2011 [6 favorites]


In terms of "status," a lot of times it's generally accepted in the workplace that if your boss makes a joke, everybody laughs, regardless of whether or not the boss laughs at his/her own joke. This is always ridiculous to me, but I still do it.

As to the rest of it: yeah,you're beanplating. Not a big deal!
posted by sweetkid at 11:40 AM on July 30, 2011


Yes, this is far too broad.

First of all, telling 'jokes' isn't really that funny. 'Why did the elephant go to the dentist...' stuff will not make people laugh whether the person telling the joke laughs or not.

But sometimes, a story is too funny to not laugh while you're telling it. And knowing how to balance this or when not to do it takes time, because it's very dependent on the mood of the group, atmosphere, environment and many other factors.
posted by glaucon at 11:42 AM on July 30, 2011


Best answer: I think laughing at your own joke actually makes you look more casual and less arrogant, because it sends the message that the joke is what's funny, and you're just the bearer of the joke, humbly delivering the humor in a cosmic sense. Like, "Let me share this thing that made me laugh!"

Not laughing at your joke is more of a status thing, because you're waiting for other people to "get it" and claiming ownership of the wit. Why would you laugh at a mere little joke like that when you have thousands constantly occuring to you, a being made of hilarity and wit.
posted by Nixy at 11:43 AM on July 30, 2011 [9 favorites]


Perhaps, but often people make a stupid remark and then laugh at it in an attempt to bludgeon the others into thinking it was a worthwhile thing to say.

Well, as long as you're laughing because you think it's funny, and recognize that no one else may, and take that lump, you'll come out looking alright, if a little odd. If you INSIST that it's funny, that's something else.
posted by Nixy at 11:49 AM on July 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I am extroverted. I usually screw up jokes, and I have a wierd sense of humor. I've told jokes that I ruined by cracking up in laughter before I got to the punchline. On occasions when I've sucessfully told a joke and people laugh, I smile enthusiastically - because I'm pleased my joke went well. When I telll a joke that doesn't get the response I had hoped for, I also smile or even laugh because I think it's totally hilarious the way others respond to jokes that I think are great! I also laugh at myself, because I keep trying... !

I've never given it a thought how people intrepret my response after telling a joke. I know I'm not skilled at joke telling, so I don't attempt it often, but ... it's always fun!

Joke telling is supposed to be fun!
posted by Locochona at 11:50 AM on July 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Your question makes me want to fistbump you! I too think about rules a lot!

- I laugh at my own jokes when they are too funny not to laugh at, and when they are completely not funny at all. So basically, when I can't help it, and when my jokes are so stupid and bad that I have to laugh to telegraph that they are jokes. Like, say, I make a terrible pun or some really dorky arcane reference that I realize too late nobody is going to understand, I will follow up with GET IT GET IT?, then a joke explanation, then HAHAHAHA! Sometimes I also do this pretty slick move where I wink and shoot an invisible gun and make a click sound.

Also sometimes, I make the mistake of being too deadpan, and people think I'm actually serious, so if that happens and I don't feel like trolling them at the time, I'll try to telegraph that I'm kidding, either by laughing or smiling or something.

- I am the most introverted person in the universe.

- Yeah, I guess there are. Three short laughs will be given.

- I've decided that I can't really do much about what people think of me, so I try not to care. I am as nice a person as I am interested in being, and if people are misinterpreting and hyperanalyzing my behaviors in a hostile way, they're not going to like me no matter what, anyway.

Just laugh when you feel like it, or when you think it's necessary to telegraph that you are joking.

Also, practice that winking and fake gun shooting.
posted by ernielundquist at 12:00 PM on July 30, 2011 [4 favorites]


Best answer: I'm having trouble not visualizing you as Data asking Geordi how humans interact with laughter.

HA HA ha HA ha HAH

Sorry. Well, okay. I'm either a conflicted introvert forced into an extroverted role because of his profession or I'm sitting on the median between the two. I enjoy the rare occasions when I can be around a small/medium size group of people who think like I do, which may be the only reason I'm a musician.

So if you're looking for rules, or at least opinions about "the rules":

- if you're telling a joke or story (I tell more stories based on things that are really happening than I do 'jokes'), laughing before you get to the punchline is letting a lot of steam out of it. It's much like saying "this one's a killer," or "this is the funniest joke I ever heard." I for one am nearly incapable of laughing at a joke after someone's given me this buildup. Some jokes/situations/stories have little interior punchlines, and a light chuckle as others are laughing at it is okay, but the less the better. Your role is that of storyteller, reporter of the story. It is the tension buildup to the release you're looking for. Yes, there is the situation where you're really so broken up by the joke you're losing control of yourself and genuinely laughing, and if you're among friends they'll laugh along with you, but in terms of "technique," it's much better if you're delivering the payload in a deadpan way.

- I think once the punchline's safely away, if everyone else is laughing, what the hell? Laugh with them, sure.

- which leads to the status thing. If you're laughing louder and longer than anyone else, odds are good you're the boss.

It would take more of a sociologist and psychiatrist than I to analyze it, and I don't really care to, but yeah, I know my boss can say things and I'll laugh louder at him than the idiot who's trying to sell me something and ingratiate himself with a shaggy dog story. Is it acting? Partly, but I also think there's the tension/release thing happening. When my boss says something intended to be funny, I'm sure part of my brain is reacting to the tension: if his joke falls completely flat, it's gonna be awkward. My boss is actually a funny guy, and like most guys who can actually be funny, he can roll with it if something he says bombs, but yeah, on the whole it's probably better if I laugh, so most of the time I do.

Anddd I'm sure my staff is the same way about me...
posted by randomkeystrike at 12:15 PM on July 30, 2011


Best answer: You will be interested in this article. Sample:
When [professor of psychology and neuroscience Robert] Provine set out to study laughter, he imagined that he would approach the problem along the lines of these humor studies: having people listen to jokes and other witticisms and then watching what happened. He began by simply observing casual conversations, counting the number of times that people laughed while listening to someone speaking. But very quickly he realized that there was a fundamental flaw in his assumptions about how laughter worked. “I started recording all these conversations,” Provine says, “and the numbers I was getting—I didn’t believe them when I saw them. The speakers were laughing more than the listeners. Every time that would happen, I would think, ‘OK, I have to go back and start over again because that can’t be right.’ ”

Speakers, it turned out, were 46 percent more likely to laugh than listeners—and what they were laughing at, more often than not, wasn’t remotely funny. When Provine and his team of undergrads recorded the ostensible “punch lines” that triggered laughing in ordinary conversation, they found that only about 15 percent could be called humorous. In his book, Laughter: A Scientific Investigation, Provine lists some of the laugh-producing quotes: “I’ll see you guys later.” “Put those cigarettes away.” “I hope we all do well.” “It was nice meeting you too.” “We can handle this.” “I see your point.” “I should do that, but I’m too lazy!”

Previous studies of laughter had assumed that laughing and humor were inextricably linked, but Provine’s early research suggested that the connection was only an occasional one. As his research progressed, Provine began to suspect that laughter was in fact about something else—not humor or gags or incongruity but our social interactions. He found support for this assumption in a study that had already been conducted, one analyzing people’s laughing patterns in social and solitary contexts. “You’re 30 times more likely to laugh when you’re with other people than you are when you’re alone—if you don’t count simulated social environments like laugh tracks on television,” Provine says. Think how rarely you’ll laugh out loud at a funny passage in a book but how quick you’ll be to give a friendly laugh when greeting an old acquaintance. Laughing is not an instinctive physical response to humor, the way a flinch is a response to pain or a shiver to cold. Humor is crafted to exploit a form of instinctive social bonding. ...

Typically, Provine asks someone to laugh and they demur, look puzzled for a second, and say something like, “I can’t just laugh.” Then they turn to their friends or family, and the laughter rolls out of them as though it were as natural as breathing. At one point Provine stops two waste-disposal workers driving a golf cart loaded up with trash bags. When they fail to guffaw on cue, Provine asks them why they can’t muster up a chuckle. “Because you’re not funny,” one of them says. Then they turn to each other and share a hearty laugh. “See, you two just made each other laugh,” Provine says. “Yeah, well, we’re coworkers,” one of them replies.

The insistent focus on laughter patterns has a strange effect on me as Provine runs through the footage. By the time we get to a cluster of high school kids, I’ve stopped hearing their spoken words at all, just the rhythmic peals of laughter breaking out every 10 seconds or so. After one particularly loud outbreak, Provine turns to me and says, “Now, do you think they’re all individually making a conscious decision to laugh?” He shakes his head dismissively. “Of course not. In fact, we’re often not even aware that we’re laughing. We’ve vastly overrated our conscious control of laughter.”
posted by John Cohen at 12:17 PM on July 30, 2011 [15 favorites]


The only thing I ever notice is when someone repeatedly laughs at their own jokes or comments, and no one else does. That can be irritating after the first few times. Otherwise, don't worry about it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:17 PM on July 30, 2011


Laugh when things are funny. That's it.
posted by cmoj at 12:18 PM on July 30, 2011


I agree that you're kind of overthinking it, but I admit to being someone who doesn't think about these social rules much. I also admit some confusion to the basic premise here of "telling jokes." I don't really know anyone, outside of professional comedians and six-year-olds, who "tells jokes" on a regular basis; everyone else I know who says things that generate laughter do it by by telling amusing stories or making amusing comments in the natural course of conversation; maybe this is actually what you mean, too. For reference, I am a very outgoing introvert (or a reserved extrovert, depending on how you look at it), if that makes sense.

Sometimes it's more effective, humor-wise, to tell certain stories in a deadpan manner, or at least to wait to the punchline to laugh. But ultimately, if something genuinely makes you feel like laughing, then laugh. That's it. I guarantee that the vast majority of people around you will not be microparsing your response in order to calculate your social status relative to others in the room if you happen to crack up at your own story. I just don't think most people think that way (and I say that without meaning any offense to people who do).

That said, is true that some people have a bad habit of laughing constantly at their own comments to broadcast HEY I AM FUNNY, LOOK, YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE NOTICED IT -- sort of like the verbal equivalent of people who inexplicably append "LOL" to every other sentence they write, completely regardless of content. For an example, watch Rick (the main guy) on "Pawn Stars" for an episode or two and notice how he's always laughing at anything he says that he thinks is even faintly amusing. The problem is twofold: sometimes his comments are just wry observations/asides that don't really require hysterical laughter in the first place, and sometimes they're genuinely funny comments that would be funnier if he didn't essentially step on his own punchline by laughing too quickly. So he's a case of someone who'd come off as more amusing if he laughed less.

(The other case that's socially deadly are people who make hostile comments under the guise of "just kidding," and think that laughing when they've said something shitty defuses the situation or puts the burden on the other person for supposedly not having a sense of humor. But I don't think that's what you're talking about here.)
posted by scody at 12:20 PM on July 30, 2011


I'm pretty introverted, and now I'm all paranoid that I've been laughing wrong all my life. Have I been laughing at my own jokes? I'm not sure. Should I have been? Should I not have been? Laughter is a fairly natural, involuntary thing for me. Funny things make one laugh. I think possibly, if you're having to make the conscious decision to laugh, it's not funny enough to warrant laughter.
posted by Gordafarin at 12:39 PM on July 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I've long been aware that many other people seems to consciously choose when to laugh, but it never works that way for me. I laugh when I laugh, I don't when I don't. It's an involuntary response. Isn't anything other than that forced, unnatural, and therefore consciously trying to game others for some effect? To me, this is kind of like asking when you should sneeze or cough.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 12:52 PM on July 30, 2011


There is a middle ground between telling a joke or witticisms in a completely deadpan manner and being the person who always laughs at his own jokes which aren't that hilarious in the first place.

For deadpan humor, the deadpan delivery is part of the joke in the first place, and you ruin it if you start laughing or acknowledge the humor midway through.

Generally, as a rule, you shouldn't laugh at your own jokes. From a social norms perspective, it shows a lack of self control as well as burdening your audience with the expectation that they find something as funny as you do.

The sort of people who laugh at their own jokes are extraverts, but in a bad way-- the sort of combination of poor social skills alongside not ever tiring of foisting those social behaviors on others.

I don't think this is the sort of thing that can be explained correctly in an AskMe. You'd have to observe someone being funny, where someone tells a joke to an audience of peers, ACTS like he's saying something funny, but also doesn't start laughing right away at how much he just amused himself. This is one of those things that can be learned but also can't be taught by giving you a log list of rules and when you should and shouldn't laugh.

TL;dr: Don't laugh at your own jokes, but not all jokes are meant to be delivered totally deadpan.
posted by deanc at 12:53 PM on July 30, 2011


I laugh at all my jokes, regardless of if they are funny or not, and in fact most people groan and roll their eyes as they are the really corny ones. I love corny jokes. I also usually snort when I'm laughing.
posted by TheBones at 12:53 PM on July 30, 2011


Sometimes I laugh so much when I'm making a joke that I can't even get through it. My friends think it's a charming quirk.

In short, don't worry about it!
posted by too bad you're not me at 1:08 PM on July 30, 2011


I am introverted as all hell but I still sometimes crack myself up even before I am finished whatever smartassery I am engaged in. Don't sweat it.


I'm having trouble not visualizing you as Data asking Geordi how humans interact with laughter.

The human world is full of exciting new adventures!
posted by elizardbits at 1:10 PM on July 30, 2011


Best answer: There's a difference between a joke, which is handed down or passed on, and a wisecrack or witticism, which you invent on the spot. I think jokes are best told deadpan, letting the audience decide whether it's funny or not. Witticisms just happen, so you may surprise yourself with one and be just as amused as your audience. In either case, I lean toward waiting till the audience responds and then joining in if you're truly moved to laugh--that creates an instant communal bond, never a bad thing. But never laugh in order to persuade others to laugh. And stop laughing before the others stop, for god's sake.
Those are the rules.
posted by fivesavagepalms at 1:13 PM on July 30, 2011


Best answer: I think the best way to figure this out will be trial-and-error. Laugh when it feels natural. But if everyone suddenly grows awkward, then you know it didn't work. After awhile you'll refine your instincts. You may have already.

But I think the worry "don't join in the group laughter or people will judge you" means losing some opportunities for shared joy, so I would err on the side of trying to figure out how to laugh together.
posted by salvia at 1:15 PM on July 30, 2011


Relax.

If you feel like laughing, laugh. If you don't, don't. You are over-thinking this so hard it hurts.
posted by Decani at 1:32 PM on July 30, 2011


Best answer: It's not whether you laugh, it's how you do it.

If you emote calm and connectedness along with the excitement carried with the joke, it's OK to laugh with it.

If you emote fear and / or disregard for your audience, then you'll sink whether you laugh or not.
posted by krilli at 1:35 PM on July 30, 2011


Dude, I slay me! I laugh at myself all the time. I have also surrounded myself with people who have the same (excellent) sense of humor I have, and we crack each other up daily.

I have told my husband that this is what I want on my tombstone:

"She laughed a lot."
posted by thebrokedown at 3:04 PM on July 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Thomas Hobbes has a delightfully cynical explanation of why people laugh at their own jokes: 'Men laugh often, especially such as are greedy of applause from every thing they do well, at their own actions performed never so little beyond their own expectations; as also at their own jests: and in this case it is manifest, that the passion of laughter proceedeth from a sudden conception of some ability in himself that laugheth.' In other words, we laugh at our own jokes because they remind us of our own cleverness, and hence our superiority over other people.

This belief that laughter is all about power (a 'sudden glory', in Hobbes's famous definition, 'arising from sudden conception of some eminency in ourselves, by comparison with the infirmities of others') explains why the English have traditionally regarded it as very ill-bred to laugh in public. We all secretly know that we are better than other people, but we mustn't let them see it. Laughter is the release of our secret: it's only a short step to Freud's dictum that 'we are compelled to tell our joke to someone else because we are unable to laugh at it ourselves', that is to say, we need the laughter of others to give us permission to laugh at our own jokes.
posted by verstegan at 3:42 PM on July 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


I laugh when others laugh more than I expected, but I think that's because I'm so happy I made them laugh more than I expected.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:11 PM on July 30, 2011


There's a difference between a joke, which is handed down or passed on, and a wisecrack or witticism, which you invent on the spot.

Yeah, I was gonna say this. I'm guessing the OP was implying the latter, which happens a lot more often in everyday life. With the former, I think it's more often in the form of an anecdote someone is relating (and I seem to recall a question here where they asked they could most effectively tell a long, humorous anecdote).

Off the top of my head, I think I laugh hardest at myself when discussing moments from, say, a TV episode that a friend and I are familiar with, so it's more me laughing at that moment than myself.

There a couple of "hearty" co-workers that I have that guffaw at their quips all the time. I've wondered aloud with others if it's a sign of insecurity because either: 1) They're afraid no one else will think it's funny, so they cover it up with their own laugh. Or 2) They're afraid no one else will know it's supposed to funny, eg, a playful jab meant to be harmless. ("Yeah, because you screwed up! HAHAHA!")
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 8:50 PM on July 30, 2011


Best answer: When I was in college, my best friend and I were walking through a hallway late at night, and I started trying to tell her a funny story. But I starting laughing so hard in the middle of it that I could barely breathe, and she thought this was so funny that she started laughing uncontrollably and we ended up lying on the stairs to the student union, gasping with laughter and rolling around in hysterics, and any time anyone walked past us and gave us the stink-eye (it was a bit hard to get past us) they would set us off again.

Point is, I don't think making someone laugh is always about wielding power over them. I think it can be sharing something with them. And if you laugh honestly at your own jokes with people who are your good friends, they won't think that you're trying to prove something; they'll just think you're the sort of goofy person who cracks themselves up.

However, I also laugh outloud at books sometimes, and sometimes I can get a fit of the giggles sitting all by myself in an empty room just because I have just imagined something so entirely ridiculous. So I'm maybe not a good person to be taking advice from about socially acceptable laughter.
posted by colfax at 10:15 PM on July 30, 2011


TL;DR. I cultivate the Boring Professor when I laugh at my own jokes. Mostly, I crack the most intentionally stupid, lame, inane pun I can think of and that fake a har-har laugh while everyone else rolls their eyes. And then, inevitably, the various reactions people have cause me to crack up for real. They range from a polite "hmm" to a horrified "OMG, she thinks that's funny" look to a complete blank on the pun.

I don't over think it. I like to laugh and make people laugh. I laugh at my own jokes and I laugh at myself because I'm my own biggest punch line.
posted by motsque at 6:14 AM on July 31, 2011


Response by poster: Thanks, all. Heh, I have to say, I don't think I'm particularly BAD at navigating these situations -- I had meant this question more in the spirit of perspective-collection and academic interest, than as a plea for urgently-needed help. (Though on re-reading my question, I definitely get the Asbergerian vibe it may have given off.)

A first, fascinating insight here is the split between answerers who find it bizarre to think of laughter as a voluntary or intentional social tactic, and answerers who take it for granted that it is one.

Also, it's always interesting to learn -- as I think I'm learning here -- that there is no one convention in approaching this specific social situation. I'm concluding that factors in the decision to laugh can include:
- the need to telegraph "that last sentence was a joke"
- the need to lighten tension (whether due to insecurity or genuine need)
- the laugher's social status
- whether the audience is also amused
- the desire to telegraph having shared an experience with other laughers
- personal style

Thanks to all answerers -- this was a particularly interesting set of responses. (Any additional responses are also welcome, of course.)

(For the record, yes, I was using the word "joke" to mean "occasion for laughter" more generally -- not just exchanges starting with "Knock, knock".)
posted by foursentences at 4:14 PM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


:)

And if I may, I think I can add something to that good list; Laughing at ones own joke can be funny in itself, adding to the chaos and pushing the audience over the threshold of laughter. This can fit under the 'personal style' item, but it is still a subtle but significant item in the art, so it warrants a mention.

The opposite is also true - deadpanning can be funny because something funny is going on and it is funny that the person is control is not laughing ... More chaos!

posted by krilli at 5:37 AM on August 2, 2011


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