Don't Forget, You're Here Forever!
February 28, 2024 10:47 AM Subscribe
For a variety of reasons I am stuck at my job (at least until they kick me out), and it's driving me completely around the bend. Yes, I have a therapist, yes, we're working on it, but in the meantime I'm just really casting about for anything to keep me from gnawing my own face off. Books, tricks, I don't know, for dealing with the feeling of "this should be tolerable but it isn't."
My job is not any more stupid than any other job. In fact, it is probably less so than many, since we are allowed to WFH full time. But I am just finding it fully intolerable! Every day I am actively grumpy within 10 minutes of logging in. My partner says I basically scowl all day unless I'm on camera. It is extremely hard to be kind and patient with my coworkers, who need a lot of kindness and patience.
Of note: it has gotten objectively a little worse recently. There were huge layoffs which put everyone on edge, and a couple of very skilled and knowledgeable coworkers rage-quit which leaves huge gaps that the rest of us must fill. Again, no worse really than any other job.
From unpacking all of this in therapy I know two things: one, that these feelings got a Lot worse once I had to spend all of my savings on some family bullshit, because it changes the power dynamic between me and this job significantly. I used to be in a position to walk away at any time; now I'm not.
Two, that part of it is just dealing with the same problems year over year over year. Especially the problems that would be completely solvable if people could just think beyond the next quarter, but also the problems that are just not solvable by us (like how all the software we use just gets shittier and shittier as those companies make idiotic decisions to please their shareholders).
Basically every day I log in and some stupid bullshit on my lemon of a laptop is broken or updating or adding some incredibly annoying feature, and then my boss signs on and changes all of my priorities for the day, and I am just defeated before I begin.
Help?
My job is not any more stupid than any other job. In fact, it is probably less so than many, since we are allowed to WFH full time. But I am just finding it fully intolerable! Every day I am actively grumpy within 10 minutes of logging in. My partner says I basically scowl all day unless I'm on camera. It is extremely hard to be kind and patient with my coworkers, who need a lot of kindness and patience.
Of note: it has gotten objectively a little worse recently. There were huge layoffs which put everyone on edge, and a couple of very skilled and knowledgeable coworkers rage-quit which leaves huge gaps that the rest of us must fill. Again, no worse really than any other job.
From unpacking all of this in therapy I know two things: one, that these feelings got a Lot worse once I had to spend all of my savings on some family bullshit, because it changes the power dynamic between me and this job significantly. I used to be in a position to walk away at any time; now I'm not.
Two, that part of it is just dealing with the same problems year over year over year. Especially the problems that would be completely solvable if people could just think beyond the next quarter, but also the problems that are just not solvable by us (like how all the software we use just gets shittier and shittier as those companies make idiotic decisions to please their shareholders).
Basically every day I log in and some stupid bullshit on my lemon of a laptop is broken or updating or adding some incredibly annoying feature, and then my boss signs on and changes all of my priorities for the day, and I am just defeated before I begin.
Help?
Bingo card of the repeated problems?
modern version, associate it with graphics of some grindy videogame?
taking as true that you can't fix anything or even expect anything to be fixed, just looking for ways to live with the depressing absurdity by foregrounding the absurdity.
posted by clew at 11:37 AM on February 28 [4 favorites]
modern version, associate it with graphics of some grindy videogame?
taking as true that you can't fix anything or even expect anything to be fixed, just looking for ways to live with the depressing absurdity by foregrounding the absurdity.
posted by clew at 11:37 AM on February 28 [4 favorites]
I had to spend all of my savings on some family bullshit...
There were huge layoffs...
...a couple of very skilled and knowledgeable coworkers rage-quit
I am awe of how you are dismissing these things as minor hiccups or a little worse or no worse than any other job. I hear you labeling these extraordinarily stressful situations as "not that bad relative to others," but also I don't think those comparisons are helping you. Okay, some people have it worse. That doesn't mean life is breezy for you.
That family bullshit sounds like a HUGE deal. The layoffs are incredibly stressful. Your competent coworkers rage-quitting is a big deal!
Perhaps it might help you to reframe all this as TOTALLY SUCKING. Might it help if you take yourself and your problems more seriously? These are major life stressors. You are in the middle of a major life upheaval where your financial security and work environment have changed dramatically in a short period of time, and it's creating a lot of stress, tension, and unhappiness in your life.
That doesn't mean there's an easy solution. But I wonder if it might help not to minimize all of this, because then it makes it seems like you're the problem. Instead, own it. It sucks and it's terrible and so on.
And then, you gotta do the stuff that we all know we are supposed to do: get enough sleep; get exercise everyday; get outside in the sun/daylight every single day; eat lots of vegetables and minimal super processed food; limit caffeine and alcohol. And then you might have some capacity to figure out an exit plan, or at least you'll be better resourced to manage your stress around your work situation.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:42 AM on February 28 [35 favorites]
There were huge layoffs...
...a couple of very skilled and knowledgeable coworkers rage-quit
I am awe of how you are dismissing these things as minor hiccups or a little worse or no worse than any other job. I hear you labeling these extraordinarily stressful situations as "not that bad relative to others," but also I don't think those comparisons are helping you. Okay, some people have it worse. That doesn't mean life is breezy for you.
That family bullshit sounds like a HUGE deal. The layoffs are incredibly stressful. Your competent coworkers rage-quitting is a big deal!
Perhaps it might help you to reframe all this as TOTALLY SUCKING. Might it help if you take yourself and your problems more seriously? These are major life stressors. You are in the middle of a major life upheaval where your financial security and work environment have changed dramatically in a short period of time, and it's creating a lot of stress, tension, and unhappiness in your life.
That doesn't mean there's an easy solution. But I wonder if it might help not to minimize all of this, because then it makes it seems like you're the problem. Instead, own it. It sucks and it's terrible and so on.
And then, you gotta do the stuff that we all know we are supposed to do: get enough sleep; get exercise everyday; get outside in the sun/daylight every single day; eat lots of vegetables and minimal super processed food; limit caffeine and alcohol. And then you might have some capacity to figure out an exit plan, or at least you'll be better resourced to manage your stress around your work situation.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:42 AM on February 28 [35 favorites]
I may have more later but for now i’m reminded of some good answers to this not exactly the same but related Askme from way back.
2nding the Burnout book mentioned above.
Also, a good friend said that sometimes the only way to deal with this kind of shit is to begin the day listening to Rage Against The Machine. It’s worked for me. Not sure why, perhaps something about resetting of one’s expectations.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 11:43 AM on February 28 [3 favorites]
2nding the Burnout book mentioned above.
Also, a good friend said that sometimes the only way to deal with this kind of shit is to begin the day listening to Rage Against The Machine. It’s worked for me. Not sure why, perhaps something about resetting of one’s expectations.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 11:43 AM on February 28 [3 favorites]
If it helps at all, know that you are not alone. What you're feeling is natural with the way modern business/the world works. Disconnect when you're not on the clock. That's your time, even thinking about the hell hole is not healthy. Hugs.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 11:43 AM on February 28 [1 favorite]
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 11:43 AM on February 28 [1 favorite]
This might not be feasible, but…Get your family to pay that money that you paid for their bullshit BACK. Right now you’re unequally yoked. I don’t care what they have to do, they need to know that what they’ve done is causing you HARM, and if they purport to be in community with you (which they should, if they feel entitled to consume your entire savings), they need to choke down their portion of pain and bitterness and uncertainty. I don’t care whether repaying you means taking out a second mortgage or selling plasma, they need to start paying you BACK. If you’re not willing to countenance that they share risk and suffering with you in community, that might be worth exploring with a therapist. If they can’t pay you back, then you have every right to crowdfund back that payment if possible.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 11:44 AM on February 28 [1 favorite]
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 11:44 AM on February 28 [1 favorite]
I work at a GREAT place where I'm actually CONTENT and I have had it up to freaking here with people lately. I rarely work outside of regular work hours and my boss is fantastic. AND STILL.
My deeply uncoordinated barely able to walk straight in regular shoes chubby ass is taking a roller skating lesson tomorrow night, because I am so burnt out at work right now the only thing that feels like a solution is giving a brand new activity a try. Shake it up.
posted by phunniemee at 11:58 AM on February 28 [16 favorites]
My deeply uncoordinated barely able to walk straight in regular shoes chubby ass is taking a roller skating lesson tomorrow night, because I am so burnt out at work right now the only thing that feels like a solution is giving a brand new activity a try. Shake it up.
posted by phunniemee at 11:58 AM on February 28 [16 favorites]
I had a remote job with difficult people which I came to resent. One great thing I did was multitask like crazy. Tell them their crappy laptop camera broke, then keep that camera off permanently (put black tape on it in case it turns on accidentally) and stay muted during meetings.
Then use that time to get paid for some YOU time:
cooking, doing laundry, organizing your closet, cleaning & vacuuming,
coloring & deep conditioning your hair, painting your nails, using the can,
running on a treadmill, doing pushups,
doing your taxes, scheduling appointments, sorting receipts, you name it.
I even once took my laptop to the hospital and got paid while getting an IV of medication.
Try to reclaim at least an hour a day on their clock.
Do the bare minimum for them and multipurpose that time to get paid for doing things for yourself!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:00 PM on February 28 [20 favorites]
Then use that time to get paid for some YOU time:
cooking, doing laundry, organizing your closet, cleaning & vacuuming,
coloring & deep conditioning your hair, painting your nails, using the can,
running on a treadmill, doing pushups,
doing your taxes, scheduling appointments, sorting receipts, you name it.
I even once took my laptop to the hospital and got paid while getting an IV of medication.
Try to reclaim at least an hour a day on their clock.
Do the bare minimum for them and multipurpose that time to get paid for doing things for yourself!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:00 PM on February 28 [20 favorites]
oh internet friend, I totally feel you. I've been working a day job for decades and my only significant breaks were due to serious illness or immigration issues. And I recently had to melt down my savings too. I'm here for the duration. I feel burnt down to the sconce.
What keeps me going is keeping focus on the joyful things that I can make happen because I'm employed. That does help.
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:04 PM on February 28 [5 favorites]
What keeps me going is keeping focus on the joyful things that I can make happen because I'm employed. That does help.
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:04 PM on February 28 [5 favorites]
I recently started setting a timer to go off every 30 min and unless I'm locked into a task or meeting, spend a couple of min to take a break from sitting and do exercise, chores, or putter around. Taking care of myself and my space during work makes me feel less victimized by the place and I don't think I'm ultimately losing that much productivity anyway since it's energizing, mind can wander and work on problems, etc.
posted by space snail at 12:13 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]
posted by space snail at 12:13 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Also just in case it is relevant: I'm not really struggling with mood or energy or life stuff outside of work. Pretty much once I log out in the afternoon, I'm golden. Like, probably the least depressed or dysfunctional I've ever been...which may be why the job is such a stark contrast actually...hm.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:16 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:16 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]
burnt down to the sconce.
God, that's so beautiful...
I, too, remain in a barely governable rage much of the time. One fortuitous thing that has enabled me to keep on slogging despite the intolerable futility of it all is that a couple of years before the pandemic I got my work schedule changed to four 10-hour days with Wednesday off. It's... so good. Tuesday is another mini-Friday. Wednesday is even better than Saturday. The best of it is, I do my two extra hours after five PM. All the other 10-hour-day people are larks who start at 6:00 in the morning. So I have two hours of every workday when nobody else is working. I can get stuff done if I feel like it because nobody's fucking with me. Or I can indulge my burntoutist rage and play Plant Daddy if I feel like it. Because nobody is fucking with me! Wednesday being the off day was a stroke of genius, too. The larks all went with Monday or Friday, which means when everybody's there, I'm not there! And Monday and Friday when I am there, the place is depopulated. So my "hell is other people" days are down from five to two. It's so glorious. If you can possibly fiddle with your hours, I encourage you to try it. It might really help.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:27 PM on February 28 [11 favorites]
God, that's so beautiful...
I, too, remain in a barely governable rage much of the time. One fortuitous thing that has enabled me to keep on slogging despite the intolerable futility of it all is that a couple of years before the pandemic I got my work schedule changed to four 10-hour days with Wednesday off. It's... so good. Tuesday is another mini-Friday. Wednesday is even better than Saturday. The best of it is, I do my two extra hours after five PM. All the other 10-hour-day people are larks who start at 6:00 in the morning. So I have two hours of every workday when nobody else is working. I can get stuff done if I feel like it because nobody's fucking with me. Or I can indulge my burntoutist rage and play Plant Daddy if I feel like it. Because nobody is fucking with me! Wednesday being the off day was a stroke of genius, too. The larks all went with Monday or Friday, which means when everybody's there, I'm not there! And Monday and Friday when I am there, the place is depopulated. So my "hell is other people" days are down from five to two. It's so glorious. If you can possibly fiddle with your hours, I encourage you to try it. It might really help.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:27 PM on February 28 [11 favorites]
jenfullmoon: "Quiet quitting" moments definitely happened during slow periods and I gave absolutely nothing extra to the job beyond what I was required to do.
I would like to co-sign quiet quitting. Actually no, I would like to throw the concept of quiet quitting out the window, but I highly encourage doing this. "What you are required to do" is your job. Giving nothing extra means not doing things that are not your job.
I wonder if it's also helpful to reframe this particular job as "whatever my boss says it is this morning". So you can give yourself a little sense of accomplishment based on "did I complete this bizarre and capricious person's daily checklist, or at least as much of it as I could in 8 hours" rather than "did I see a valuable/important/meaningful thing through from start to finish".
posted by capricorn at 1:07 PM on February 28 [9 favorites]
I would like to co-sign quiet quitting. Actually no, I would like to throw the concept of quiet quitting out the window, but I highly encourage doing this. "What you are required to do" is your job. Giving nothing extra means not doing things that are not your job.
I wonder if it's also helpful to reframe this particular job as "whatever my boss says it is this morning". So you can give yourself a little sense of accomplishment based on "did I complete this bizarre and capricious person's daily checklist, or at least as much of it as I could in 8 hours" rather than "did I see a valuable/important/meaningful thing through from start to finish".
posted by capricorn at 1:07 PM on February 28 [9 favorites]
I am five years from retirement — and I cannot leave my (often intolerable) job as my pension is tied to it. What I do — not sure if it is helpful — but it helps me sometimes. I remind myself out loud (on the days that I am working from home) that “I am getting paid for this.” Sometimes I add several expletives to the sentence.
posted by Lescha at 1:12 PM on February 28 [9 favorites]
posted by Lescha at 1:12 PM on February 28 [9 favorites]
Pretend that you're the star of a TV sitcom set in an office, where the whole point is that ridiculous things happen all the time. You're just an actor that gets paid to enact it all for entertainment purposes. If the day goes unbelievably terribly, congratulations! Imagine how the audience will enjoy the story of whatever nonsense thing your boss did this time.
posted by quacks like a duck at 1:26 PM on February 28 [6 favorites]
posted by quacks like a duck at 1:26 PM on February 28 [6 favorites]
I wonder if it's also helpful to reframe this particular job as "whatever my boss says it is this morning".
This is what I came in to say. My work life improved immensely when I stopped trying to do the objectively best work, and starting doing the best work possible at the behest of my boss. Throw out all the content design we user tested that would work because X Person thinks they know better? I will express the path and research we took to come to that conclusion once and after that, if they want me to change it, we’ll, it is truly their decision and I live to serve…for X hours a day.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:02 PM on February 28 [11 favorites]
This is what I came in to say. My work life improved immensely when I stopped trying to do the objectively best work, and starting doing the best work possible at the behest of my boss. Throw out all the content design we user tested that would work because X Person thinks they know better? I will express the path and research we took to come to that conclusion once and after that, if they want me to change it, we’ll, it is truly their decision and I live to serve…for X hours a day.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:02 PM on February 28 [11 favorites]
I really hear you on this. I was at a terrible workplace for years longer than I should have been. It was actually a pretty good role, but in one of these places with constant chaos, heartfelt promises from management that things would get better, but the same problems month after month and year after year. I found myself *dreaming* about work-- that we had finally relocated to a better facility and actually had room for all our stuff, how wonderful! Or one time I found a new hidden wing in the building that we'd never noticed before, that was really great, until I woke up. Ugh.
One thing that helped me there was commiserating with like-minded coworkers. It's harder with WFH, but is there anyone, say, that you can send eyeroll emoji texts to in the middle of awful meetings? I kept a folder of images called "this is why we can't have nice things;" every one was a picture of the predictable results of management shortsightedness costing us money, time, and capabilities. This made me feel better.
Do you recognize your workplace in this article about sick systems? I sure did, and it was enlightening. From your description, maybe your job IS more stupid than some other jobs. If that's true it might help to recognize it. And even if you can't leave right now, maybe start to imagine what leaving could look like.
posted by hovey at 2:37 PM on February 28
One thing that helped me there was commiserating with like-minded coworkers. It's harder with WFH, but is there anyone, say, that you can send eyeroll emoji texts to in the middle of awful meetings? I kept a folder of images called "this is why we can't have nice things;" every one was a picture of the predictable results of management shortsightedness costing us money, time, and capabilities. This made me feel better.
Do you recognize your workplace in this article about sick systems? I sure did, and it was enlightening. From your description, maybe your job IS more stupid than some other jobs. If that's true it might help to recognize it. And even if you can't leave right now, maybe start to imagine what leaving could look like.
posted by hovey at 2:37 PM on February 28
Re commiseration: I have enjoyed browsing r/antiwork a great deal.
posted by Sauce Trough at 3:52 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]
posted by Sauce Trough at 3:52 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]
You haven’t mentioned job hunting, but doing so during work hours is therapeutic, and your employer deserves it. (Just don’t use your work computer to do it.)
Have you taken a vacation lately? Like a full week or more?
posted by kapers at 5:04 PM on February 28 [4 favorites]
Have you taken a vacation lately? Like a full week or more?
posted by kapers at 5:04 PM on February 28 [4 favorites]
Dealing with the shitty laptop or update or whatever I started taking joy in at a previous crappy job -- "Ah moments that certainly count as work, but that I don't have to do or think about anything."
I've also had some success with disconnecting a bit from previous jobs by describing work to myself as a thing I do to participate in capitalism. I need $$ so I am moving my body in this way to get money. Can work well if you are in a mode of just doing what the boss tells you to do.
My spouse has found some repetitive tasks that though boring, are calming compared to other work, to the point of sometimes seeking them out when such tasks aren't automatically coming across their desk.
Any internal training you need to catch up on? Maybe get your PMP? Have a certification to get or renew? Learn the next expense system? Need to do the harassment awareness training? Some leadership development thing that can distract you from the day-to-day? Really any excuse to take an internal excusable vacation.
A friend of mine thought of each hour of work as X% of a minivan. Do you have something you are saving for that would make it worth it?
posted by chiefthe at 7:01 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]
I've also had some success with disconnecting a bit from previous jobs by describing work to myself as a thing I do to participate in capitalism. I need $$ so I am moving my body in this way to get money. Can work well if you are in a mode of just doing what the boss tells you to do.
My spouse has found some repetitive tasks that though boring, are calming compared to other work, to the point of sometimes seeking them out when such tasks aren't automatically coming across their desk.
Any internal training you need to catch up on? Maybe get your PMP? Have a certification to get or renew? Learn the next expense system? Need to do the harassment awareness training? Some leadership development thing that can distract you from the day-to-day? Really any excuse to take an internal excusable vacation.
A friend of mine thought of each hour of work as X% of a minivan. Do you have something you are saving for that would make it worth it?
posted by chiefthe at 7:01 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]
Just because you work from home doesn’t mean you have to actually be at home. Can you take that work call on your mobile phone while you sit outside, get your hair cut, walk the dog, or drive to the bakery. Take your laptop to the beach, maybe if you’re lucky the sand will break it and you’ll get a new one.
I’d suggest another challenge that you make the primary focus of your day. Ever wanted to paint, play piano, run a marathon, or learn bridge? Set a goal and make consistent steps towards it multiple times a week. You’ll grow as a person and will give you something useful to work towards.
Third thing to work on would be the scowl. It’s not helping. If you are having a scowl moment it’s time for a break and time to briefly refocus on something good in the world - your pet, the birds outside, a cup of tea, etc. Take five minutes to notice something pleasant in the universe then go back to your unpleasant task.
The job hatred ebbs and flows over time. Last layoff at our company and stiffed bonus was a low blow. However it’s a year later and I’m feeling better about it. My job didn’t fundamentally improve at all, my attitude mostly changed. I still have good days and bad days.
Good luck
posted by shock muppet at 8:19 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]
I’d suggest another challenge that you make the primary focus of your day. Ever wanted to paint, play piano, run a marathon, or learn bridge? Set a goal and make consistent steps towards it multiple times a week. You’ll grow as a person and will give you something useful to work towards.
Third thing to work on would be the scowl. It’s not helping. If you are having a scowl moment it’s time for a break and time to briefly refocus on something good in the world - your pet, the birds outside, a cup of tea, etc. Take five minutes to notice something pleasant in the universe then go back to your unpleasant task.
The job hatred ebbs and flows over time. Last layoff at our company and stiffed bonus was a low blow. However it’s a year later and I’m feeling better about it. My job didn’t fundamentally improve at all, my attitude mostly changed. I still have good days and bad days.
Good luck
posted by shock muppet at 8:19 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Oh yeah lol my coworker sent me that sick systems article three years ago with the message "hahaha this isn't even half as sick as our place." I don't know that I believe that exactly but yes, my company does every single thing on that list.
But so has every company I've ever worked for. In fact THIS job is actually the BEST job I've had, because they actually pay us well for putting up with all of this stuff, unlike the other jobs in my industry which are just as awful but lean more heavily on the "do-gooder" side of our work in order to pay peanuts.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:18 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]
But so has every company I've ever worked for. In fact THIS job is actually the BEST job I've had, because they actually pay us well for putting up with all of this stuff, unlike the other jobs in my industry which are just as awful but lean more heavily on the "do-gooder" side of our work in order to pay peanuts.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:18 PM on February 28 [3 favorites]
I think having some kind of creative project always at the back of your mind can help with getting through these long days. Lee Child has talked about his job with the BBC, which became very pressured once he started acting as a union steward. It was a little like being one of his main characters, I think. He talked about taking the insides out of people's computers, looking at them and then returing them before anyone noticed. It sounded like that experience may have fuelled his creativity when he transitioned to fiction writing.
We can't all be Lee Child; I'm certainly not, but I can't get through a day at the kind of job where you are basically selling your brain (or body) to the company without having some kind of side project I can think about that's only for me.
posted by BibiRose at 5:43 AM on February 29 [2 favorites]
We can't all be Lee Child; I'm certainly not, but I can't get through a day at the kind of job where you are basically selling your brain (or body) to the company without having some kind of side project I can think about that's only for me.
posted by BibiRose at 5:43 AM on February 29 [2 favorites]
This song was my best friend in a similar situation (I made up a lot of my own verses). This particular song may not be your jam, but I do suggest building yourself a “get through the f*ing day” playlist — it can help reset your mood, or distract you, or provide a rolling tide of rage for you to surf on — whatever emotional state helps you cope in the moment.
posted by ourobouros at 5:56 AM on February 29
posted by ourobouros at 5:56 AM on February 29
I just started working for a company in a field that shares a similar "do-gooder" industry (albeit different, if you're still doing the same work you did in 2018). However, they're very good about making it up to us in non-financial ways - the pay isn't as much as I could get if I were working in finance, but the benefits are very good (I have a PENSION, people), and they are very VERY good about letting people use their PTO. And when my boss and I discovered that my job had been mis-coded and I'm actually a non-exempt employee, she said that well, in that case, she was going to seriously respect the regular-hours part of things - to the point that when I had to come in early because of an event I had already said I would help with, she said I could leave early too, and even gave me a verbal permission slip to skip all the meetings I was supposed to attend.
Some companies do recognize that society doesn't always value us "helpers" that well, and try to make it up to us in other ways. They also go out of their way to make sure we all know we can do this (I had a 3-hour new-employee training session yesterday about "how to manage coping with traumatic stuff all day and give yourself permission to chill out"). Maybe there is one such company in your field - or maybe it's time to see if there is a company with a similar match for your skillset outside that field.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:39 AM on February 29 [1 favorite]
Some companies do recognize that society doesn't always value us "helpers" that well, and try to make it up to us in other ways. They also go out of their way to make sure we all know we can do this (I had a 3-hour new-employee training session yesterday about "how to manage coping with traumatic stuff all day and give yourself permission to chill out"). Maybe there is one such company in your field - or maybe it's time to see if there is a company with a similar match for your skillset outside that field.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:39 AM on February 29 [1 favorite]
Oh, and watch your memail....
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:40 AM on February 29
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:40 AM on February 29
We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese, I would not give this response to some people, but I know a little about you from your past MeFi participation, and I think you might be on the wavelength to not think I'm a terrible person for offering it.
Many people throughout human history have been, or felt, stuck in miserable situations, for long periods of our lives. The question "how do I cope with this suffering when there is no end in sight?" is one of the most fundamental questions of human existence, and answers to it have arisen in many traditions. And I have found some benefit from several of them.
Some bits of wisdom here are physical and physiological -- even when I have no other feelings of self-efficacy, physically moving my body and reminding myself that I have control over that can bring me some relief.
Some are historical. Like, Rebecca Solnit reminds us in Hope in the Dark that I just don't know what unexpected outcomes may emerge from work that I perceive as futile. I may be laying groundwork for great surprises.
Some are psychological. Like, Viktor Frankl's Holocaust memoir Man's Search for Meaning is his record of realizing/deciding that, no matter the stimulus, the human experiencing the stimulus has a degree of control over their response. And mindfulness meditation has helped me get better at noticing my reactions and having a little more control over them, instead of them controlling me.
And some are spiritual or religious. For me, the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism have helped me notice when I'm particularly attached to something that isn't working for me, such as a particular expectation.
If you have already tried physical, historical, and psychological tactics and they aren't doing it for you, then the path to greater equanimity for you may include some spiritual or religious elements. If there's a spiritual tradition that's been meaningful to you in the past, give it another visit.
posted by brainwane at 8:50 AM on February 29 [10 favorites]
Many people throughout human history have been, or felt, stuck in miserable situations, for long periods of our lives. The question "how do I cope with this suffering when there is no end in sight?" is one of the most fundamental questions of human existence, and answers to it have arisen in many traditions. And I have found some benefit from several of them.
Some bits of wisdom here are physical and physiological -- even when I have no other feelings of self-efficacy, physically moving my body and reminding myself that I have control over that can bring me some relief.
Some are historical. Like, Rebecca Solnit reminds us in Hope in the Dark that I just don't know what unexpected outcomes may emerge from work that I perceive as futile. I may be laying groundwork for great surprises.
Some are psychological. Like, Viktor Frankl's Holocaust memoir Man's Search for Meaning is his record of realizing/deciding that, no matter the stimulus, the human experiencing the stimulus has a degree of control over their response. And mindfulness meditation has helped me get better at noticing my reactions and having a little more control over them, instead of them controlling me.
And some are spiritual or religious. For me, the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism have helped me notice when I'm particularly attached to something that isn't working for me, such as a particular expectation.
If you have already tried physical, historical, and psychological tactics and they aren't doing it for you, then the path to greater equanimity for you may include some spiritual or religious elements. If there's a spiritual tradition that's been meaningful to you in the past, give it another visit.
posted by brainwane at 8:50 AM on February 29 [10 favorites]
If anyone reading this is feeling stuck and desperate... do you have United States IRAs? You can start withdrawing from them at any point, without tax penalties, under what's called a substantially equal periodic payment plan. You do NOT have to wait till age 59 1/2.
If you learn about this and get serious about doing it, get yourself a good accountant. I'm happy to recommend mine for no other reason than that he's kind and very knowledgeable, AND he specializes in these plans. Just DM me.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 1:26 AM on March 1 [1 favorite]
If you learn about this and get serious about doing it, get yourself a good accountant. I'm happy to recommend mine for no other reason than that he's kind and very knowledgeable, AND he specializes in these plans. Just DM me.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 1:26 AM on March 1 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: That exact sort of plan is what left my mother penniless when she became ill and had to retire, requiring me to spend every penny I had getting her solvent and housed, so uh, I will Not be doing that thanks, because I don't have a responsible child to bail me out at 67.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:06 AM on March 1 [7 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:06 AM on March 1 [7 favorites]
Yeah, I read about two sentences into that and was like, oooooh, noooooooooooooo, instant penury.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:15 AM on March 1 [1 favorite]
posted by Don Pepino at 9:15 AM on March 1 [1 favorite]
Since you work from home, can you make anything in your workspace nicer or more comfortable? Like, a massage pillow for breaks or just while you work, so that your body tenses up less and for less time when you get frustrated; or a nice heating blanket; music; one of those ultra-soft plushies with a face that smiles at you that you can remember to smile back at or hug throughout the day; things that smell good; or, you know, whatever works for you. And yeah, breaks during the day, and making peace with work as some kind of ridiculous daily rollercoaster you ride rather than something you try to control.
Also, since it sounds like the first X minutes have a predictable high chance of being especially annoying, maybe you can treat logging in and discovering the random gifts your computer and boss have in store for you as a sort of pre-work ritual that can be paired with something nice, like a cup of coffee or good music, and then followed with a short break and deep breath before you start your actual work for the day - now that you know what your day's actually going to look like.
It is extremely hard to be kind and patient with my coworkers, who need a lot of kindness and patience.
I have to remind myself about this a lot, so I try to be all "go me, look how gentle and nurturing I was, that must have been so helpful to [frustrating person I owe patience to], truly magnificent" when I do manage to do that.
posted by trig at 2:07 PM on March 1 [1 favorite]
Also, since it sounds like the first X minutes have a predictable high chance of being especially annoying, maybe you can treat logging in and discovering the random gifts your computer and boss have in store for you as a sort of pre-work ritual that can be paired with something nice, like a cup of coffee or good music, and then followed with a short break and deep breath before you start your actual work for the day - now that you know what your day's actually going to look like.
It is extremely hard to be kind and patient with my coworkers, who need a lot of kindness and patience.
I have to remind myself about this a lot, so I try to be all "go me, look how gentle and nurturing I was, that must have been so helpful to [frustrating person I owe patience to], truly magnificent" when I do manage to do that.
posted by trig at 2:07 PM on March 1 [1 favorite]
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
I had to remind myself daily that this is the best I can do, because it was, and I was unable to find any way out, and you have to do literally anything you can to get and keep health insurance. And some things are just never, ever, ever going to be fixed or improved because nobody above us has the interest in doing so. Eventually you get so exhausted you stop caring on that score, and that's great. I read Burnout by the Nagoskis and listened to their 2020 podcast series.
Truth be told, none of it made anything better, the goal was just to not get fired or rage quit, and well...I won't recap how that went for me. As long as you can stuff your rage down JUST ENOUGH to not publicly lose it in front of a camera and fake okay, that may be the best you can do. Rage is for when the camera is off.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:34 AM on February 28 [6 favorites]