I am not sure if I should find a new roommate for my condo?
January 29, 2024 1:04 PM
Hello all, I live in Canada, and I own a family condo with two rooms (one is mine) I rented out the other to a friend of a friend of mine since September. I am not sure if I need a new roommate, as the person living with me I find can be a bit negative and rude at times, but it could be their personality overall, I do not know. We do get along for the most part, and have some stuff in common and see eye to eye on things, but I think I might irk the roommate, or vice versa?
The roommate will sometimes complain about their work and co-workers for a half our or more straight, and it's good to be understanding, but it is constant and all the time lately--it seems like they don't like their work environment overall. I mean, it's okay to vent, but I never met someone who constantly complained all the time about their work and their family issues as well. The negative mood can be a bit much, but I mellow it out and try to be accommodating and give advice. They simply strike me as an unhappy person at times and under stress with finances at times too and other emotional life-changing issues as well. They also got annoyed when I used the blended too early in the morning for my breakfast smoothie, while they sleep in until 10:00 a.m. or 11:00 a.m. as they work late at night. Just small things constantly annoy them and they get frustrated or upset/angry very easily. They were annoyed that both bathrooms' fans would turn on at the same time because there is only one connector, or annoyed with the monthly condo fire alarm testing, annoyed with not getting along with certain people, et cetera.
I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive or unreasonable, and I do like this person they are pretty cool and artsy/creative, but sometimes they easily become annoyed, negative, or talking too much about their family/work issues in a negative light is not great, but no one is perfect. And they constantly seem to talk more about themselves overall, but a lot of people are like that. I mean, I don't mind them, but they seem easily annoyed too quickly and negative at times. I rarely complain or nag at all, so I don't have that personality trait overall. I think we are compatible at times, but other times, not so much. I mean, I rather they live there for as long as they can because I knew them before they moved in through a friend, so they are not a complete stranger to me, so that does help, as living with a complete stranger can be a little nerve-wracking at first.
The roommate will sometimes complain about their work and co-workers for a half our or more straight, and it's good to be understanding, but it is constant and all the time lately--it seems like they don't like their work environment overall. I mean, it's okay to vent, but I never met someone who constantly complained all the time about their work and their family issues as well. The negative mood can be a bit much, but I mellow it out and try to be accommodating and give advice. They simply strike me as an unhappy person at times and under stress with finances at times too and other emotional life-changing issues as well. They also got annoyed when I used the blended too early in the morning for my breakfast smoothie, while they sleep in until 10:00 a.m. or 11:00 a.m. as they work late at night. Just small things constantly annoy them and they get frustrated or upset/angry very easily. They were annoyed that both bathrooms' fans would turn on at the same time because there is only one connector, or annoyed with the monthly condo fire alarm testing, annoyed with not getting along with certain people, et cetera.
I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive or unreasonable, and I do like this person they are pretty cool and artsy/creative, but sometimes they easily become annoyed, negative, or talking too much about their family/work issues in a negative light is not great, but no one is perfect. And they constantly seem to talk more about themselves overall, but a lot of people are like that. I mean, I don't mind them, but they seem easily annoyed too quickly and negative at times. I rarely complain or nag at all, so I don't have that personality trait overall. I think we are compatible at times, but other times, not so much. I mean, I rather they live there for as long as they can because I knew them before they moved in through a friend, so they are not a complete stranger to me, so that does help, as living with a complete stranger can be a little nerve-wracking at first.
@sagc Same roommate!
posted by RearWindow at 1:22 PM on January 29
posted by RearWindow at 1:22 PM on January 29
Well, first there is a question of legality - did you have this person sign a lease? If you have a legal agreement with them for a year, you can't just evict them because they annoy you. You are of course free to not renew their lease.
My advice for finding future housemates (based on living with 50+ people over the years):
1. This is an oversimplification, but there are three types of people: people who want to be friends with people they live with and mesh their lives somewhat (share groceries, cook together, hang out, etc.), people who want to "do their own thing" and have minimal contact with housemates, and then people who are somewhere in between. I'd say most people are somewhere in between, but tend to lean in one direction. It sounds like you might lean more towards preferring to "do your own thing," which is fine, but you should in the future communicate this to prospective tenants and actively try to find someone who finds that an ideal arrangement.
2. Sleep is sacred, and quiet hours need to be decided collectively and respected. Maybe this means you make your morning smoothie the night before.
3. You need to share a desired level of cleanliness / relationship to clutter.
Being able to agree on those three points is, in my experience, key to having a functional relationship with a housemate.
posted by coffeecat at 1:31 PM on January 29
My advice for finding future housemates (based on living with 50+ people over the years):
1. This is an oversimplification, but there are three types of people: people who want to be friends with people they live with and mesh their lives somewhat (share groceries, cook together, hang out, etc.), people who want to "do their own thing" and have minimal contact with housemates, and then people who are somewhere in between. I'd say most people are somewhere in between, but tend to lean in one direction. It sounds like you might lean more towards preferring to "do your own thing," which is fine, but you should in the future communicate this to prospective tenants and actively try to find someone who finds that an ideal arrangement.
2. Sleep is sacred, and quiet hours need to be decided collectively and respected. Maybe this means you make your morning smoothie the night before.
3. You need to share a desired level of cleanliness / relationship to clutter.
Being able to agree on those three points is, in my experience, key to having a functional relationship with a housemate.
posted by coffeecat at 1:31 PM on January 29
What do their rental contract and local tenant/landlord laws say? (Both are relevant.)
posted by trig at 1:32 PM on January 29
posted by trig at 1:32 PM on January 29
Have you had a meta conversation with them about this stuff? We once asked a housemate to leave, and while I'm not sure it would have been salvageable under the best circumstances, we did not have a meta "you seem really unhappy here and we're having a lot of conflict, do you see this working" conversation before asking them to leave and I really wish we had. It would have been more egalitarian and in line with our values and would at least have let the person mull things over and decide to leave on their own terms. (We did offer a couple of months of free rent and assistance in moving, but the whole thing was crummy, I've never felt good about it and in retrospect I think we did not treat them the way we believe that humans should treat each other.)
posted by Frowner at 1:45 PM on January 29
posted by Frowner at 1:45 PM on January 29
If this is in Ontario, if the tenant shares a kitchen or bathroom with the landlord they are NOT covered under the Residential Tenancies Act. If there’s a written or verbal contract, contract law applies. If not, they can be evicted. So definitely think through whether you gave a timeframe or reassurances or signed a lease. Ethically..,there’s a housing crisis so if you’re sure it’s not going to work out, try to present that early enough in your staying power that they have time to find a new place.
I’d assume if you evict them the friendship is over. I have done it once and we’re still friends (“stay at your place while job hunting” turned into a longer period and my husband and I weren’t ready to share our house for a year) but it was dicey. I wouldn’t have blamed her.
Personally, I don’t think this kind of complaining is worth evicting your friend unless you intend to just not have a roommate. Any roommate will have quirks and needs and as differences go, this one seems pretty mild. I would start to just say “hey, sorry you had a bad day…listen, I am tired out today, so just going to listen to music/whatever right now.” Or similar.
For the blender, that is a concession that I think is pretty normal.
I am wondering - after your roommate complained about the fans did they just get on with their life? If so, I’d just take it as “this person processes verbally” and not take it personally…sometimes easier said than done, but if it’s not a long saga of drama, it seems like a chance to let things go.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:46 PM on January 29
I’d assume if you evict them the friendship is over. I have done it once and we’re still friends (“stay at your place while job hunting” turned into a longer period and my husband and I weren’t ready to share our house for a year) but it was dicey. I wouldn’t have blamed her.
Personally, I don’t think this kind of complaining is worth evicting your friend unless you intend to just not have a roommate. Any roommate will have quirks and needs and as differences go, this one seems pretty mild. I would start to just say “hey, sorry you had a bad day…listen, I am tired out today, so just going to listen to music/whatever right now.” Or similar.
For the blender, that is a concession that I think is pretty normal.
I am wondering - after your roommate complained about the fans did they just get on with their life? If so, I’d just take it as “this person processes verbally” and not take it personally…sometimes easier said than done, but if it’s not a long saga of drama, it seems like a chance to let things go.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:46 PM on January 29
You're roommates and acquaintances but not friends so you don't really need to hear this person's complaining about things that don't relate to your condo or that you can't do anything about.
I'm not a complainer and my spouse is so I get to hear her complaining about things on the daily. I'm sure I've got habits she doesn't appreciate so I consider it part of the give and take of our relationship.
You guys aren't in that kind of relationship so your roommate can vent to one of their actual friends. If you're charging them a fair rent then they probably don't want to move somewhere else either so hopefully through some conversations you can reach a point where they keep their complaints to themselves and you figure out some accommodations you can make with respect to your morning smoothies and other issues.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:46 PM on January 29
I'm not a complainer and my spouse is so I get to hear her complaining about things on the daily. I'm sure I've got habits she doesn't appreciate so I consider it part of the give and take of our relationship.
You guys aren't in that kind of relationship so your roommate can vent to one of their actual friends. If you're charging them a fair rent then they probably don't want to move somewhere else either so hopefully through some conversations you can reach a point where they keep their complaints to themselves and you figure out some accommodations you can make with respect to your morning smoothies and other issues.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:46 PM on January 29
I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive or unreasonable
It's okay to be sensitive / unreasonable about your living situation! This person is using you as an emotional dumping ground. That's a lot of intimacy for a roommate situation.
Only you can answer the question of whether you need to make this person move on. Consider this: How big a negative impact does this person have on your life? Do you dread being in their presence? Do you feel yourself tensing up when they come home? Do you find yourself living your life around minimizing interaction with them? Does your mood suffer from having them around?
On the flipside, if you close your eyes and imagine a future where they're completely out of your condo and your life, is that something that would be delightful?
Also, like others say, landlord/tenant stuff law can be complex. I know nothing about all that, but it seems like it'd be a good idea to get educated about your rights and responsibilities since it sounds like you're going to be in a having-a-roommate situation for the indefinite future. If you're affiliated with a university, do they have a legal clinic? That might be a good place to start your education on these matters.
posted by Sauce Trough at 1:54 PM on January 29
It's okay to be sensitive / unreasonable about your living situation! This person is using you as an emotional dumping ground. That's a lot of intimacy for a roommate situation.
Only you can answer the question of whether you need to make this person move on. Consider this: How big a negative impact does this person have on your life? Do you dread being in their presence? Do you feel yourself tensing up when they come home? Do you find yourself living your life around minimizing interaction with them? Does your mood suffer from having them around?
On the flipside, if you close your eyes and imagine a future where they're completely out of your condo and your life, is that something that would be delightful?
Also, like others say, landlord/tenant stuff law can be complex. I know nothing about all that, but it seems like it'd be a good idea to get educated about your rights and responsibilities since it sounds like you're going to be in a having-a-roommate situation for the indefinite future. If you're affiliated with a university, do they have a legal clinic? That might be a good place to start your education on these matters.
posted by Sauce Trough at 1:54 PM on January 29
This mostly sounds within the realm of normal roommate annoyances, and I personally would try to manage it by being a bit less available for venting sessions and changing the subject a bit more aggressively, before I decided to take my chances on a total stranger roommate being a better fit. It’s fine to just say, yup, that fire alarm sure is loud!, and move right along.
The differing sleep hours is a real issue and there’s probably a conversation to have there about agreeing on reasonable noise making hours that are a bit of a compromise for both of you.
posted by Stacey at 1:54 PM on January 29
The differing sleep hours is a real issue and there’s probably a conversation to have there about agreeing on reasonable noise making hours that are a bit of a compromise for both of you.
posted by Stacey at 1:54 PM on January 29
Regarding any and all complaining
...I mellow it out and try to be accommodating and give advice.
People generally don't want advice, they want to be heard. Someone who is venting to you usually is stimulated to continue on with the conversation if you respond. Give them a time frame--not the same length every day, or they're going to cotton to what you're up to. One day do the "un huhn, oh no, really?" responses or 5 minutes. Finally, "I'm sorry to hear that, I hope your day is better tomorrow, oops, gotta call someone, use the bathroom, get this thing done, now." The next day, make it short again, but tell them, "I hear what your saying." and then leave it a minute or so. Then, "Opps, gotta go, etc." Another day, "What could you do to change that?" No matter what their response, just say, "I see" or "Yes, that could be how it is." Another minute, then go. Steps 7,9, and 11 from these scripts would encourage your roommate, and I wouldn't go there, but you can see how the others pan out. At first you may have to actually put a door between you--bathroom, bedroom, or front door. A short five-minute walk can derail the rant with the added bonus of clearing your head. If you think this person is under stress, and you don't mind spending positive time with them, perhaps you can suggest, "Hey, let's do something encouraging, play a game, do a puzzle for a bit, go for a short walk."
The sleep issue could be majorly factoring into the negativity, and it certainly doesn't help if there are small things that super irritating hit you frequently--such as the keys. Think about how you can help this person, who you said is having a tough time right now, get through their day with fewer vexations. It doesn't hurt to help a brother (or sister) out a bit.
Normally, I would say communicating is always good, but it sounds like this person's stress levels would preclude that being effective, and they probably don't have the best coping/communications skills to begin with. If you finally get to the point that you are seriously contemplating they leave, tell them, I don't think it's working out for both of us." Then ask them, "What can WE do to resolve this?" If they go on the attack, get defensive, or refuse to work with you, well, there's your answer.
The bottom line is that you should never have to walk on eggshells in your own home, and you don't have any responsibility to help this person change or to try to make them happy.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:57 PM on January 29
...I mellow it out and try to be accommodating and give advice.
People generally don't want advice, they want to be heard. Someone who is venting to you usually is stimulated to continue on with the conversation if you respond. Give them a time frame--not the same length every day, or they're going to cotton to what you're up to. One day do the "un huhn, oh no, really?" responses or 5 minutes. Finally, "I'm sorry to hear that, I hope your day is better tomorrow, oops, gotta call someone, use the bathroom, get this thing done, now." The next day, make it short again, but tell them, "I hear what your saying." and then leave it a minute or so. Then, "Opps, gotta go, etc." Another day, "What could you do to change that?" No matter what their response, just say, "I see" or "Yes, that could be how it is." Another minute, then go. Steps 7,9, and 11 from these scripts would encourage your roommate, and I wouldn't go there, but you can see how the others pan out. At first you may have to actually put a door between you--bathroom, bedroom, or front door. A short five-minute walk can derail the rant with the added bonus of clearing your head. If you think this person is under stress, and you don't mind spending positive time with them, perhaps you can suggest, "Hey, let's do something encouraging, play a game, do a puzzle for a bit, go for a short walk."
The sleep issue could be majorly factoring into the negativity, and it certainly doesn't help if there are small things that super irritating hit you frequently--such as the keys. Think about how you can help this person, who you said is having a tough time right now, get through their day with fewer vexations. It doesn't hurt to help a brother (or sister) out a bit.
Normally, I would say communicating is always good, but it sounds like this person's stress levels would preclude that being effective, and they probably don't have the best coping/communications skills to begin with. If you finally get to the point that you are seriously contemplating they leave, tell them, I don't think it's working out for both of us." Then ask them, "What can WE do to resolve this?" If they go on the attack, get defensive, or refuse to work with you, well, there's your answer.
The bottom line is that you should never have to walk on eggshells in your own home, and you don't have any responsibility to help this person change or to try to make them happy.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:57 PM on January 29
There is a skill to learning how to extricate yourself from conversations you don't want to be in. It requires some intention and assertiveness. It requires you to figure out how to manage your interactions with this person. You could have a bigger picture conversation about it. You could also try, when they start complaining, saying something like, "Oh, wow, that sounds really tough. I'm going to make dinner and listen to my podcast now." And then you put on headphones.
It's tough when you live with someone and they are negative, but you can also learn some skills to reduce the amount you have to hear.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:25 PM on January 29
It's tough when you live with someone and they are negative, but you can also learn some skills to reduce the amount you have to hear.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:25 PM on January 29
I've lived with a lot of different roommates and in my experience this is pretty low on the scale of annoying roommate stuff. If they're fairly clean, fairly polite, and pay the rent on time, you're doing pretty well. You can always roll the dice on a new roommate, but everyone will annoy you in some ways, and everyone will be annoyed by you in other ways. Only you can know if this particular quirk is an exceptionally terrible match for you. Some flexibility and compromise is needed on both sides with any roommate - for example, the need for sleep would normally outweigh the desire to use a blender, and you also aren't obligated to stand there and be ranted at for 30 minutes straight!
That said, some people don't do well with living with roommates and you may want to consider whether you're one of those people if this is causing you a lot of stress.
posted by randomnity at 5:57 PM on January 29
That said, some people don't do well with living with roommates and you may want to consider whether you're one of those people if this is causing you a lot of stress.
posted by randomnity at 5:57 PM on January 29
@randomnity I need the extra income through renting my second room in my condo for now, especially as a university student! But in the future, it will be easier, I deem.
posted by RearWindow at 6:06 PM on January 29
posted by RearWindow at 6:06 PM on January 29
You need to sit down with cups of tea and talk about how to be better roommates. This is basic conflict resolution, a skill that is necessary and useful. This can be a positive approach. Frowner's "you seem really unhappy here and we're having a lot of conflict, do you see this working" is a good start to a conversation. Your needs should also be considered, and I think it will help if you gain some clarity about what specific behaviors you want roommate to change. If someone uses you for venting 30 minutes a day most days, that's really a lot, and after 5 or so minutes, it's good to learn to set a boundary. Think about what you want from a roommate besides rent.
I used to have a 2-family. One group of tenants always wanted a cool roommate and did not pay enough attention to schedules, ability to pay rent, cleaning. This generated quite a bit of drama. The best roommate I ever had turned out to be cool and interesting, but we agreed on cleaning and scheduling, and clarified ability to pay rent; the rest worked itself out.
posted by theora55 at 7:59 PM on January 29
I used to have a 2-family. One group of tenants always wanted a cool roommate and did not pay enough attention to schedules, ability to pay rent, cleaning. This generated quite a bit of drama. The best roommate I ever had turned out to be cool and interesting, but we agreed on cleaning and scheduling, and clarified ability to pay rent; the rest worked itself out.
posted by theora55 at 7:59 PM on January 29
Humans are difficult, every one of us, in different ways. If you need the income, then the flowing of favor is reciprocal. Oversimplified, the guest doesn't get to make the rules, but its the host's job to address reasonable concerns (like ready access to sleep and food). A different tenant might not annoy you in the same way, but you'll probably still need a system for communicating when things aren't comfortable for you, and for navigating when things aren't comfortable for them.
I was reading this ask and wondered if you were, like me, autistic. It helps to be a little objective about your own role in social situations. If you find yourself at limit listening to her vent about life frustrations, it's cool to recognize and respect that as your own limit and set frameworks for how you yourself might plan to respond.
Figure out whether you are a person who can be complained to and about what. If you find that you don't mind being complained to as a friend sometimes, communicate your limits when you reach them as a friend would. If you always hate that, always evade it. If you believe it's reasonable to complain about issues of food storage, noise, and shared resources to you as head of household, then figure out your script when a fix beyond your control, be gracious with what is within your control, and listen to your own being if your limits are being exceeded.
I had four years needing to share my home with not-friend tenants. It's different than familiar community living. The power is yours, but so is the hat of hospitality.
posted by droomoord at 8:26 PM on January 29
I was reading this ask and wondered if you were, like me, autistic. It helps to be a little objective about your own role in social situations. If you find yourself at limit listening to her vent about life frustrations, it's cool to recognize and respect that as your own limit and set frameworks for how you yourself might plan to respond.
Figure out whether you are a person who can be complained to and about what. If you find that you don't mind being complained to as a friend sometimes, communicate your limits when you reach them as a friend would. If you always hate that, always evade it. If you believe it's reasonable to complain about issues of food storage, noise, and shared resources to you as head of household, then figure out your script when a fix beyond your control, be gracious with what is within your control, and listen to your own being if your limits are being exceeded.
I had four years needing to share my home with not-friend tenants. It's different than familiar community living. The power is yours, but so is the hat of hospitality.
posted by droomoord at 8:26 PM on January 29
Something that's been said here but bears repeating is that evicting a tenant before their lease is over, for anything less than egregious behavior on their part, is a pretty terrible thing to do to someone. Their life gets upended on someone else's schedule, they have to start looking for a new place and coming up with moving costs before they were expecting to, they get to feel even more insecure than usual as a renter... There's a reason some jurisdictions have protections against this. So unless this has been some totally casual "Sure, you can stay at my place" kind of arrangement - and possibly even then, depending on the expectations this was entered into with - if you do end up doing this, you should give them a long time to find a new place, consider helping with moving costs, and so on. And frankly, if eviction is truly on the table then I think you owe them some attempts at actually improving the dynamic you mention, which seems like pretty run-of-the-mill roommate stuff for me.
If you can't live with anyone but the perfect roommate and don't particularly feel a sense of obligation as a landlord towards your tenants, consider moving to a less expensive home as an alternative way to manage costs.
posted by trig at 11:15 PM on January 29
If you can't live with anyone but the perfect roommate and don't particularly feel a sense of obligation as a landlord towards your tenants, consider moving to a less expensive home as an alternative way to manage costs.
posted by trig at 11:15 PM on January 29
I think you need better boundaries *for yourself* (i.e. not to set with roommate but to set with yourself). Stuff like:
- "Since it is much better to be KIND than to be NICE, I will politely nope out of every venting session about external issues (i.e. stuff that isn't directly about me) until I can be sure it won't annoy me to the point of wanting to evict my roommate. It is my responsibility to stop listening before reaching that level of annoyance."
- "If my roommate is annoyed by something external (i.e. not me or my actions), that is none of my business and not a problem I need to solve for them. They are allowed to be annoyed. I can leave them to their feelings and do my own thing."
- "It is not my role to give advice to my roommate and fix their life/their pain/their issues. I will maintain a polite distance from their business and focus only on mine."
WRT running the blender while they are asleep, you need to talk it out and find a compromise. It is super reasonable for them to request you don't use the blender while they are asleep and also kind of reasonable for you to want your smoothies made fresh just before drinking (I know many recipes are such that the smoothie cannot "sit" overnight). Perhaps you can change the time of day that you drink smoothies - maybe make them for lunch or dinner instead of breakfast? Or try setting the blender in the room farthest away from your roommate and wrap the blender in a thick towel to muffle the noise and also lay a towel along the bottom of their door before you start, etc.? (IDK if that will totally work but it's worth trying!) Approach it like a problem to solve, not as "ugh my roommate is ~so annoying~ they won't even let me run my blender in peace."
posted by MiraK at 11:50 PM on January 29
- "Since it is much better to be KIND than to be NICE, I will politely nope out of every venting session about external issues (i.e. stuff that isn't directly about me) until I can be sure it won't annoy me to the point of wanting to evict my roommate. It is my responsibility to stop listening before reaching that level of annoyance."
- "If my roommate is annoyed by something external (i.e. not me or my actions), that is none of my business and not a problem I need to solve for them. They are allowed to be annoyed. I can leave them to their feelings and do my own thing."
- "It is not my role to give advice to my roommate and fix their life/their pain/their issues. I will maintain a polite distance from their business and focus only on mine."
WRT running the blender while they are asleep, you need to talk it out and find a compromise. It is super reasonable for them to request you don't use the blender while they are asleep and also kind of reasonable for you to want your smoothies made fresh just before drinking (I know many recipes are such that the smoothie cannot "sit" overnight). Perhaps you can change the time of day that you drink smoothies - maybe make them for lunch or dinner instead of breakfast? Or try setting the blender in the room farthest away from your roommate and wrap the blender in a thick towel to muffle the noise and also lay a towel along the bottom of their door before you start, etc.? (IDK if that will totally work but it's worth trying!) Approach it like a problem to solve, not as "ugh my roommate is ~so annoying~ they won't even let me run my blender in peace."
posted by MiraK at 11:50 PM on January 29
piggybacking on what trig said, she sounds like she's having a tough time and is doing a good job at making do, and asking her to leave over an issue that you can manage through better communication would be catastrophic and a massive dick move.
posted by avocet at 7:22 AM on January 30
posted by avocet at 7:22 AM on January 30
I can’t really answer this question without examples of how this person acts when they get “upset/frustrated/angry”.
posted by wheatlets at 12:43 PM on January 30
posted by wheatlets at 12:43 PM on January 30
> I can’t really answer this question without examples of how this person acts when they get “upset/frustrated/angry”.
In OP's previous question about this same roommate, OP talks about what their roommate's upset/anger looks like. tl;dr the roommate verbally tells OP that XYZ is a problem and it needs to be solved in ABC way. OP doesn't like their style.
"I did not put back the entertainment key in the exact spot and they needed, it but I forgot and they got upset and said can you please put it back in the same spot and got a bit cross.... She said to keep the mail key on the wall key hook, like she didn't even ask, she just said put it on there, like it was a demand."
"They were complaining that [their kitchen items in the pantry] was pushed too far in the baack [due to my items being in the way and taking up a lot of space] and a chore to go get it. I said I could move my stuff in the back it’s not a problem but they said it’s fine I’ll move it all in the kitchen cupboard instead (sorry, but people in Africa and worldwide are dying in poverty and you are complaining about how too far and a chore it is to grab your food?)"
posted by MiraK at 1:54 PM on January 30
In OP's previous question about this same roommate, OP talks about what their roommate's upset/anger looks like. tl;dr the roommate verbally tells OP that XYZ is a problem and it needs to be solved in ABC way. OP doesn't like their style.
"I did not put back the entertainment key in the exact spot and they needed, it but I forgot and they got upset and said can you please put it back in the same spot and got a bit cross.... She said to keep the mail key on the wall key hook, like she didn't even ask, she just said put it on there, like it was a demand."
"They were complaining that [their kitchen items in the pantry] was pushed too far in the baack [due to my items being in the way and taking up a lot of space] and a chore to go get it. I said I could move my stuff in the back it’s not a problem but they said it’s fine I’ll move it all in the kitchen cupboard instead (sorry, but people in Africa and worldwide are dying in poverty and you are complaining about how too far and a chore it is to grab your food?)"
posted by MiraK at 1:54 PM on January 30
I will be frank, from your description of your interactions with this person in this posts and others, it sounds like there's a combination of things going on:
1. There are things you do that cause trouble for your roommate;
2. Your roommate has valid complaints about your behavior and asks you to change it;
3. You roommate also complains about things that are outside your power, perhaps excessively;
4. You conflate all of these complaints into your roommate just being "negative" and unreasonable;
5. You get conflicting advice because the advice addresses different parts of this situation.
For example, asking you to leave a shared key in a designated spot or asking you to not run noisy kitchen appliances while she's trying to sleep are both reasonable requests, and if you ignore them you are being a bad roommate. She needs access to your shared resources and she needs sleep. Sleep is a biological human need, sleep deprivation is a form of torture, and you can find a way to eat breakfast without waking her up all the time.
On the other hand, if she is complaining excessively, especially about things you can't change like her work or street noise or utilities, then yes, learning how to disengage from that is the right way forward.
Without actually witnessing your interactions, I have no idea how truly negative she is all the time - how much of this is your own perception and how much is that she is literally spending 30 minutes unloading on you about work, or whatever. However, I deeply suspect "get another roommate" isn't going to be the solution that you think it will be.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 2:58 PM on January 30
1. There are things you do that cause trouble for your roommate;
2. Your roommate has valid complaints about your behavior and asks you to change it;
3. You roommate also complains about things that are outside your power, perhaps excessively;
4. You conflate all of these complaints into your roommate just being "negative" and unreasonable;
5. You get conflicting advice because the advice addresses different parts of this situation.
For example, asking you to leave a shared key in a designated spot or asking you to not run noisy kitchen appliances while she's trying to sleep are both reasonable requests, and if you ignore them you are being a bad roommate. She needs access to your shared resources and she needs sleep. Sleep is a biological human need, sleep deprivation is a form of torture, and you can find a way to eat breakfast without waking her up all the time.
On the other hand, if she is complaining excessively, especially about things you can't change like her work or street noise or utilities, then yes, learning how to disengage from that is the right way forward.
Without actually witnessing your interactions, I have no idea how truly negative she is all the time - how much of this is your own perception and how much is that she is literally spending 30 minutes unloading on you about work, or whatever. However, I deeply suspect "get another roommate" isn't going to be the solution that you think it will be.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 2:58 PM on January 30
MiraK - it's still all very subjective. I don't know what “got upset” or “got a bit cross” or “complaining” looks like. For me, it would make a huge difference whether they're raising their voice or not, and also their overall energy.
Some people are able to complain in a calm way, where it’s clear that they're upset/cross, but it doesn't feel scary or threatening or put me in fight or flight mode. Other people get upset in a way that gets you upset with them. I could live with somebody who complains and gripes a lot in the first way, but I can’t deal with the second way at all, and I wouldn't advise anybody else to either unless they’re very placid and don’t “catch” emotions at all.
posted by wheatlets at 1:56 PM on February 1
Some people are able to complain in a calm way, where it’s clear that they're upset/cross, but it doesn't feel scary or threatening or put me in fight or flight mode. Other people get upset in a way that gets you upset with them. I could live with somebody who complains and gripes a lot in the first way, but I can’t deal with the second way at all, and I wouldn't advise anybody else to either unless they’re very placid and don’t “catch” emotions at all.
posted by wheatlets at 1:56 PM on February 1
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As far as their annoyance toward things, is this the same roommate who was annoyed with you for putting keys in various places? If they're working nights, some of these annoyances sounds like they would, in fact, impact them. I guess the question is whether you can draw a clear line between the annoyances that are annoyances with you vs. ones that are with her circumstances. And, again, withdraw from some of the scenarios where these complaints are getting repetitive.
posted by sagc at 1:17 PM on January 29