Thinking about moving, when is enough, enough?

April 2, 2011 8:58 PM

Roommate/Renting Filter: Should I stay or should I go? I've rented room in a nice neighborhood for 3 years. I'm sick of my roommate and I want to be more social. Advice/opinions needed. (long version within)

Okay, so I've rented a room in a house for the past couple of years. When I moved in, there were two roommates, one of which was the owner. Since then, the other roommate moved out and the other is never home because she works all the time. This has worked out well for us in the past as I work the day shift and she does the night shift. The past year or so, when I do see her she has become increasingly negative, to the point where everyone word out of her mouth is something wrong with the world, her job, whatever. This is starting to bug me.
The other part of this is that when I moved here the house didn't look the best but was okay. The stairs are bare and unfinished, the living room and dining room are not used as to a point where they are dusty and filled with junk. I have been trying to be more friendly and social in general with others and would love to have people over, or at least feel comfortable letting them in, which I don't right now. Even if I did, if one thing was out of place or anything, my roommate would go into a whole passive aggressive tirade about it which I would have to hear for weeks.
The rent here is okay, not the cheapest and not the most expensive, but it has a big space for my dog. I'm conflicted as I'm wondering if I'm just overreacting or if I should actually move. I really feel this point as if I'm trapped in this room.
So, my questions are: Am I being irrational about inviting people over? Am I overreacting or being too picky? I could just entertain in my room, but it's kinda small and I'm in my 30's. Would it seem weird to entertain in a room when you're older?
I have to stay around a certain budget for rent purposes until next year when I can graduate, so if I did move, it would likely be with roommates again. With this roommate, I know she won't steal my things or throw drunken keggers, but with new roommates, that's all up in the air. Is it worth the uncertainty?
Lastly, if I did move, my dog has separation anxiety and in the past has chewed some things, which I have always paid for. Would this make it hard for me to find a new roommate?

As much as I appreciate the "talk to your roommate" advice, I've done that once before and she stopped for a while and then went back to being negative. She has told me I could have people over but then talks negatively about it after they leave. Talking to her is not an option.

Sorry for the length. I appreciate any comments or advice, but truthfully, I'm going out of my mind, here:)

posted by Polgara to human relations (10 answers total)

The only reason I can imagine living in a run down house with angry roommates where you can't even entertain friends would be if it were really cheap. And it's not even that cheap. Of course you should move. There isn't a single reason for you not to move. No brainer.
posted by whoaali at 9:02 PM on April 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

Move. There are plenty of fun, social, responsible people in their mid-30s looking for a fun, social, responsible roommate. They will be excited to have you.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:09 PM on April 2, 2011

Move. You're making this into a bigger deal than it is. Find a place that feels more comfortable for you, then give the proper notice at your current place. End of story.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:50 PM on April 2, 2011

Move, absolutely. Of course moving is already a risk, but it's worth taking if you're already unhappy and living in a situation that sucks. And your situation sounds like it sucks. Look, you're paying for the benefits of living in a house, yet you are only getting the benefits of living in a single room. I find that unacceptable and you don't have to accept it, either. You can find better roommates who still won't steal your things or have crazy keggers all the time.
posted by mandanza at 10:04 PM on April 2, 2011

If you move life will be different. If you don't move life will be the same.
posted by Kerasia at 10:51 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't get how the dust isn't equally your fault/problem, but then, I also don't get how you're not allowed to have your friends over and hang out in the living room. Move.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:12 AM on April 3, 2011

It's hard to know for sure without knowing what else is available in your area that's within your budget and allows dogs, but yeah, it sounds like looking for a new place makes sense. Even just browse a bit on craigslist to get a sense of what might be available. Good housing/housemates alone can't make you happy, but they sure help a lot, in my experience.

I've lived with a bunch of people (20s/30s) over the past few years and none of them has stolen my stuff or thrown keggers. I'm not saying that's not something to get a feel for while looking for a new place, but you will find people who don't do this.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:46 AM on April 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm not really understanding what the problem is here, exactly, other than you don't enjoy the company of your roommate. To be honest, if I worked the night shift, I'd probably not be much fun either. That messed up cycle can really be hard on people. However, that doesn't mean you have to listen to her bitch about things. Tell her you're not interested in hearing her complain as soon as she starts, and walk away. I don't that a one-time conversation is going to get a person to completely change their behavior forever, so start showing that you won't put up with negativity.

If you want to have people over, clean up the living room and have them over! Tell your passive aggressive roommate that is she doesn't have time to keep things clean, she's going to have to live with your cleaning. You pay rent, you get to have people over.

Or you know, move. There's no guarantee there won't be some other downside to the new situation, though. Shared living situations are rarely effortless, especially if you have a pet.
posted by oneirodynia at 11:33 AM on April 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Just to clarify some things here. I've been the main one doing the cleaning for a while now, which I don't have a problem with as I live here. My issue here is that I am starting to resent cleaning a place that I don't use.
I can invite people over anytime. However, I will have to hear her complain about it for weeks or to start nitpicking or being negative about it, for example, "I'm missing something I wasn't before" or things like that. I don't think any of this is justified as I am a responsible adult who when I personally have broken stuff by accident, have paid for it. I'm not a criminal or a child and feel like I'm being treated as one.
Thanks for everyone's advice though.
posted by Polgara at 12:32 PM on April 3, 2011

Do you actually like anything about living there, except that it's a decent price and has room for your dog? If not, I can guarantee you'll be able to find SOMETHING better - yes, there's a risk that your new roommate won't be perfect, but it's a risk worth taking. At least take a look at the postings on Craigslist. I've often come away quite motivated and excited about a potential move after seeing everything available on there.
posted by coupdefoudre at 12:55 PM on April 3, 2011