How badly did I screw up here?
January 16, 2024 2:54 PM Subscribe
My mom is in a bad spot and needs help. She wanted to stay with me, and I said no, but offered to get her a hotel. She's definitely hurt and has gone silent. I'm trying to sort out whether I'm being a callous asshole, or an adult setting reasonable boundaries. There are many snowflake details.
My mom's house was badly damaged in a storm this past weekend, and is currently uninhabitable. She's very shaken up, to say the least, and being in her house while trees were falling down onto and around it was pretty traumatic for her. I was going to go over there with her to take a look at how bad the damage is on Thursday.
She and I have a difficult relationship. It's gotten a lot better in recent years, but she was emotionally abusive when I was a teenager and, to a lesser extent, for quite a while after that. She was, herself, in an abusive relationship for some of that time, and I understand and have sympathy for what she was going through, which is a part of why we still have a relationship, but it doesn't undo the damage. We've talked about talking about it, but have never actually had the conversation, because I don't feel ready or safe to have it. She's been a lot better in recent years, and a lot of her worst behaviors have been dialed way back. But under stress, they come back, and she is very much under stress right now.
So, the current situation. Her insurance will find her a place to stay while the house is repaired, but has not yet done so. She's staying in a currently-empty family property right now. The connection to the place she's staying is through my cousin who she's pretty close to. My cousin's spouse was the one who was able to get to her house in the storm and pull her out through a tree in all kinds of wind an ice. They've done a lot to help her here. However, the owner of the property will be coming back Thursday and so my mom needs a new solution until the insurance comes through.
She asked last night to come stay with me. I really, really do not want this. For both regular "we have a difficult relationship and this will not end well" reasons and also because of specific current circumstances (some gender stuff I have not talked to her about, and upcoming work travel that will involve intense socialization). We can get along OK sharing a neutral space (like a vacation house) and I've stayed with her for holidays in the past when she lived further away, but that usually gets pretty tense with potential for bad arguments by the end of a few days. She's on edge right now, I don't want her in my space, and there's no great answer.
So, given all that, after my spouse and I talked it over this morning, I told her no. I offerend to pay for a hotel instead, but I think I did a bad job with the message. After her first response, I sent a follow-up with a lot of what I probably should have said before saying no. I have not heard anything back 4+ hours later. I don't want to change my decision, but I'm feeling absolutely awful about it, and awful about having any feelings of my own about this at all, since she's the one in an actual crisis.
Here's the exchange (lightly edited for privacy):
So... was I a jerk? Was that an awful thing to do? Is it OK to not want her in my space? I'm pretty sure that first message was bad, and I should have said more of what was in the second up-front, but ... how bad was it? I have so many layers of overlapping guilt and dread and anxiety about this that I've lost sight of where reasonable is.
My mom's house was badly damaged in a storm this past weekend, and is currently uninhabitable. She's very shaken up, to say the least, and being in her house while trees were falling down onto and around it was pretty traumatic for her. I was going to go over there with her to take a look at how bad the damage is on Thursday.
She and I have a difficult relationship. It's gotten a lot better in recent years, but she was emotionally abusive when I was a teenager and, to a lesser extent, for quite a while after that. She was, herself, in an abusive relationship for some of that time, and I understand and have sympathy for what she was going through, which is a part of why we still have a relationship, but it doesn't undo the damage. We've talked about talking about it, but have never actually had the conversation, because I don't feel ready or safe to have it. She's been a lot better in recent years, and a lot of her worst behaviors have been dialed way back. But under stress, they come back, and she is very much under stress right now.
So, the current situation. Her insurance will find her a place to stay while the house is repaired, but has not yet done so. She's staying in a currently-empty family property right now. The connection to the place she's staying is through my cousin who she's pretty close to. My cousin's spouse was the one who was able to get to her house in the storm and pull her out through a tree in all kinds of wind an ice. They've done a lot to help her here. However, the owner of the property will be coming back Thursday and so my mom needs a new solution until the insurance comes through.
She asked last night to come stay with me. I really, really do not want this. For both regular "we have a difficult relationship and this will not end well" reasons and also because of specific current circumstances (some gender stuff I have not talked to her about, and upcoming work travel that will involve intense socialization). We can get along OK sharing a neutral space (like a vacation house) and I've stayed with her for holidays in the past when she lived further away, but that usually gets pretty tense with potential for bad arguments by the end of a few days. She's on edge right now, I don't want her in my space, and there's no great answer.
So, given all that, after my spouse and I talked it over this morning, I told her no. I offerend to pay for a hotel instead, but I think I did a bad job with the message. After her first response, I sent a follow-up with a lot of what I probably should have said before saying no. I have not heard anything back 4+ hours later. I don't want to change my decision, but I'm feeling absolutely awful about it, and awful about having any feelings of my own about this at all, since she's the one in an actual crisis.
Here's the exchange (lightly edited for privacy):
Mom: [Relative] has postponed her trip here until Friday, so I can stay at her place through Thursday night. If I can get [pets] installed somewhere, can I stay in your extra room until [insurance] gets me a place? I would want to come over Friday evening after dinnerI hardly slept last night out of stress over having to answer, and I've spent most of today curled up in a small a ball as I can in the corner of my home office crying and occasionally hyperventilating. I can't concentrate, my heart-rate is over 100 just typing this up (which is significantly calmer than I've been most of the day) and I'm feeling like a terrible person. Part of me wants to take it all back and just go with the path of least resistance, but given that I can't alter the past so that she never heard a "no" (and that, less emotionally, I'm pretty sure saying no was the right thing) I need to stick with my decision. Going back on it now would just mean the worst of both worlds.
Me: I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stay here. If [insurance] hasn’t sorted something out for you before Friday, we’d be happy to put you up in a hotel, and I can do the legwork on finding a place that’ll work for you.
[following up on earlier messages] I can check with [other relative] about [the cat], and if he can't do it, I can also see if the cat boarder that we've used in the past is still there and has any openings.
Mom: wow
Me: I love you. I want to you be safe and comfortable. But it's not easy for us to share space even in the best circumstances. If there weren't other options, we would find a way to make it work, but there ARE other options. I know it's not what you want, but it's what I can offer.
So... was I a jerk? Was that an awful thing to do? Is it OK to not want her in my space? I'm pretty sure that first message was bad, and I should have said more of what was in the second up-front, but ... how bad was it? I have so many layers of overlapping guilt and dread and anxiety about this that I've lost sight of where reasonable is.
Best answer: You were not a jerk. It’s ok to not want her in your space! You don’t even need good reasons for that, although you have them.
There’s no way you could have worded this for your mom to have taken it well. Any attempt to set a boundary on your part is going to be perceived by her as an attack.
You didn’t do anything wrong. It feels like you did!! But you didn't. I know all too well the feeling you describe today, wanting to take back your boundary to keep the peace. But what about your peace? Your mom has trained you (as has mine) to prioritize her feelings, her happiness, her comfort, at the expense of your own. But you’re in charge now, and you get to decide whose interests you prioritize, and you did a good job prioritizing your own in this situation.
And, for what it’s worth, I had a similar situation enforcing a large boundary with my own mom that led to a lengthy silent treatment, during which time I agonized and fretted and gave myself an ulcer wondering if I should just take back my boundary. I didn’t. And eventually the silent treatment ended, my mom realized she couldn’t bully me anymore, and our relationship even improved a little. I hope the same thing happens for you.
posted by stellaluna at 3:14 PM on January 16 [26 favorites]
There’s no way you could have worded this for your mom to have taken it well. Any attempt to set a boundary on your part is going to be perceived by her as an attack.
You didn’t do anything wrong. It feels like you did!! But you didn't. I know all too well the feeling you describe today, wanting to take back your boundary to keep the peace. But what about your peace? Your mom has trained you (as has mine) to prioritize her feelings, her happiness, her comfort, at the expense of your own. But you’re in charge now, and you get to decide whose interests you prioritize, and you did a good job prioritizing your own in this situation.
And, for what it’s worth, I had a similar situation enforcing a large boundary with my own mom that led to a lengthy silent treatment, during which time I agonized and fretted and gave myself an ulcer wondering if I should just take back my boundary. I didn’t. And eventually the silent treatment ended, my mom realized she couldn’t bully me anymore, and our relationship even improved a little. I hope the same thing happens for you.
posted by stellaluna at 3:14 PM on January 16 [26 favorites]
I'm just an uninvolved internet stranger, but if your messaging with her was close to what you posted, I'd say it sounded pretty OK, actually.
She is probably focused on the fact that you didn't automatically say yes to her request, since it is, actually, a catastrophe for her and she seems to have assumed you'd agree. And it's also true that a hotel room is not the same as being a guest in a home with a kitchen. I imagine the shock of your refusal in the circumstance was hard for her to absorb.
However, from your point of view you have a spouse and it is their home, too, and you and she have a fraught history that it's wise not to bulldoze over - having her stay there might be far too stressful and result in worsening things permanently. You have the right to have boundaries.
But, why is it taking so long for the insurer to find a place for her to stay? She needs a pet-friendly apartment or small house. Would she allow you to help finding such a place? Can you advocate for her with her insurer? Maybe she would allow you to help with these tasks, which surely are overwhelming for her. Perhaps you can assist with offering her a meal or two? Hotels don't always have restaurants, and taking her out to eat could provide you both for an opportunity to talk on neutral territory. This might go some distance in helping her move forward, and understand that your inability to host her doesn't mean you don't want to help.
posted by citygirl at 3:22 PM on January 16 [4 favorites]
She is probably focused on the fact that you didn't automatically say yes to her request, since it is, actually, a catastrophe for her and she seems to have assumed you'd agree. And it's also true that a hotel room is not the same as being a guest in a home with a kitchen. I imagine the shock of your refusal in the circumstance was hard for her to absorb.
However, from your point of view you have a spouse and it is their home, too, and you and she have a fraught history that it's wise not to bulldoze over - having her stay there might be far too stressful and result in worsening things permanently. You have the right to have boundaries.
But, why is it taking so long for the insurer to find a place for her to stay? She needs a pet-friendly apartment or small house. Would she allow you to help finding such a place? Can you advocate for her with her insurer? Maybe she would allow you to help with these tasks, which surely are overwhelming for her. Perhaps you can assist with offering her a meal or two? Hotels don't always have restaurants, and taking her out to eat could provide you both for an opportunity to talk on neutral territory. This might go some distance in helping her move forward, and understand that your inability to host her doesn't mean you don't want to help.
posted by citygirl at 3:22 PM on January 16 [4 favorites]
This was a decision you had a right to make, and you weren't, and aren't, being cruel. That said, your mom is obviously (and reasonably) stressed out right now, and reached out for help, and the communication was not ideal. In future, I would suggest having these conversations at least on the phone, where you can have a chance to soften the inherent harshness of a text and will be more able to judge on the fly what kind of tone she needs to hear. That doesn't mean she won't be upset, but you may be able to make it a little gentler on her.
(It might also be better, going forward, to phrase things in a way that focuses on the positive rather than the negative aspect of the situation. Rather than "I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stay here," something more like "I think it would be better for you to stay in a hotel. We'd be happy to cover it. Do you want me to start looking?" You don't need to have a long history of conflict to prefer a relative stay in a hotel than right up in your place, so you don't have to make it about that. You may both know it's about that, but you don't have to make her acknowledge it at a time when she's feeling vulnerable.)
posted by praemunire at 3:24 PM on January 16 [17 favorites]
(It might also be better, going forward, to phrase things in a way that focuses on the positive rather than the negative aspect of the situation. Rather than "I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stay here," something more like "I think it would be better for you to stay in a hotel. We'd be happy to cover it. Do you want me to start looking?" You don't need to have a long history of conflict to prefer a relative stay in a hotel than right up in your place, so you don't have to make it about that. You may both know it's about that, but you don't have to make her acknowledge it at a time when she's feeling vulnerable.)
posted by praemunire at 3:24 PM on January 16 [17 favorites]
I don't think you screwed up. She is allowed to feel upset, hurt, disappointed, whatever about it... she may even have been surprised... but that doesn't make your decision wrong. I would give her some space and then follow-up tomorrow to see if there's anything you can help her with.
posted by sm1tten at 3:37 PM on January 16 [9 favorites]
posted by sm1tten at 3:37 PM on January 16 [9 favorites]
Ideally there would be a hotel that would allow cats she could stay in. Often residence hotels intended for longer term stays have pretty good pet policies, and are the kinds of places to have kitchenettes and such so your mom can make a space that feels more homey and safe than your basic hotel room. If you wanted to help find a place like that it would be a kind gesture. I think also, inviting her over for a home cooked meal might be good.
You definitely didn’t do anything wrong and it sounds like a lot of the things you are feeling right now could be described as trauma echoes. Could you do a video chat with her? Sometimes it just takes seeing the other person’s face to realize that though they might not be overjoyed they aren’t super mad or think you suck, you know? That’s also why I think inviting her for a meal would be good. Having a quiet conversation over comfort food might bring you both some equilibrium. I really do think you made the best and wisest choice in not allowing her to stay with you.
posted by Mizu at 3:39 PM on January 16 [4 favorites]
You definitely didn’t do anything wrong and it sounds like a lot of the things you are feeling right now could be described as trauma echoes. Could you do a video chat with her? Sometimes it just takes seeing the other person’s face to realize that though they might not be overjoyed they aren’t super mad or think you suck, you know? That’s also why I think inviting her for a meal would be good. Having a quiet conversation over comfort food might bring you both some equilibrium. I really do think you made the best and wisest choice in not allowing her to stay with you.
posted by Mizu at 3:39 PM on January 16 [4 favorites]
You have the right to do what you did and it sounds like, given the way you and your partner feel about your mom, it was probably best for all concerned to not have her stay with you. It's unlikely that her request was purely about shelter, but rather about emotional support and comfort you're not in a position to provide. Going back on your decision would definitely be a bad idea.
That said, if you had been the one under stress and looking for help, and received the same response, how would you feel? She needs space to work through all those feelings, and to solve her practical problems. She's an adult who knows how to contact you and you've offered to assist with other things. I'd leave her be for a while and let her decide the next move.
posted by rpfields at 3:45 PM on January 16
That said, if you had been the one under stress and looking for help, and received the same response, how would you feel? She needs space to work through all those feelings, and to solve her practical problems. She's an adult who knows how to contact you and you've offered to assist with other things. I'd leave her be for a while and let her decide the next move.
posted by rpfields at 3:45 PM on January 16
I think you were kind and clear, and did a great job here. The only thing I might have suggested doing differently was offering to try to find a pet-friendly hotel so she could keep the cat with her.
But it still must have stung to hear, and I think it’s fine to just leave it here and leave it to her to tell you when/if she wants to take you up on that help. (That said, in your shoes I’d do the hotel legwork now anyway to avoid a last minute situation where she suddenly is on your doorstep “just for tonight” and no one’s looked at hotels yet and it gets a lot harder to hold your line here.
posted by Stacey at 3:53 PM on January 16 [1 favorite]
But it still must have stung to hear, and I think it’s fine to just leave it here and leave it to her to tell you when/if she wants to take you up on that help. (That said, in your shoes I’d do the hotel legwork now anyway to avoid a last minute situation where she suddenly is on your doorstep “just for tonight” and no one’s looked at hotels yet and it gets a lot harder to hold your line here.
posted by Stacey at 3:53 PM on January 16 [1 favorite]
Another vote, for you did nothing wrong. That said, I can understand why your mom might feel hurt or betrayed.
In the face of a traumatic experience, which it sounds like you mom had, I think many people would expect that any past differences, no matter how awful, be set aside to offer unconditional help. Is this a reasonable expectation? Probably not. But in the face of such a big emergency people don't operate from a place of reason.
That is probably where your mom is coming from now. She feels as if she should get unconditional support from you, but you're not able to provide it - for good reasons. Telling her those good reasons won't really make her feel less hurt. In fact, in her mind, they may make you seem callous.
As for what you can do about it? Maybe not too much. I don't think a reasonable conversation is possible right now. I think the offers you made were generous, adding in a home cooked meal or help going to the house (if it's safe) and collecting things she will want that will make her more comfortable, maybe and offer clean up assistance, are things you could consider.
And definitely in a few weeks or months some family therapy - if you want to continue working on the relationship.
posted by brookeb at 3:57 PM on January 16 [7 favorites]
In the face of a traumatic experience, which it sounds like you mom had, I think many people would expect that any past differences, no matter how awful, be set aside to offer unconditional help. Is this a reasonable expectation? Probably not. But in the face of such a big emergency people don't operate from a place of reason.
That is probably where your mom is coming from now. She feels as if she should get unconditional support from you, but you're not able to provide it - for good reasons. Telling her those good reasons won't really make her feel less hurt. In fact, in her mind, they may make you seem callous.
As for what you can do about it? Maybe not too much. I don't think a reasonable conversation is possible right now. I think the offers you made were generous, adding in a home cooked meal or help going to the house (if it's safe) and collecting things she will want that will make her more comfortable, maybe and offer clean up assistance, are things you could consider.
And definitely in a few weeks or months some family therapy - if you want to continue working on the relationship.
posted by brookeb at 3:57 PM on January 16 [7 favorites]
As an internet stranger with a difficult relationship with a parent, I humbly absolve you of all worry about this. YOU DID THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT THING - for you and for your mental health. I'm deeply impressed that you offered to find her a hotel and put her up in it. That to me is above and beyond here given your previous relationship and speaks volumes about how you still care for your mom despite all of her bullshit.
Remember that you can only be responsible for your own emotions. She will get through this and if that means she stops talking to you, that is HER choice and HER problem. Not yours. You did nothing wrong here and she is allowing her stress to take over for her better judgment.
Whether or not she comes around, please do not lose anymore sleep over this. You are a good person and you did more than was asked of you.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 4:00 PM on January 16 [13 favorites]
Remember that you can only be responsible for your own emotions. She will get through this and if that means she stops talking to you, that is HER choice and HER problem. Not yours. You did nothing wrong here and she is allowing her stress to take over for her better judgment.
Whether or not she comes around, please do not lose anymore sleep over this. You are a good person and you did more than was asked of you.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 4:00 PM on January 16 [13 favorites]
Best answer: I really sympathize with you and might have made the same decision. That said, a while back, in a much much less fraught situation, I was caught off guard and kind of bluntly told a parent that I didn't intend to let them and my other parent stay at my place. There were a lot of practical reasons in addition to relationship reasons, and it was a fairly inconsiderate request on their part and very aggressively made - but in the aftermath I realized that for a lot of people, and definitely my parent, there's something very deep about knowing that your own family will put you up if you need it. Like, sheltering and feeding are the most basic things you can provide for someone, and to refuse to provide them to family of all people shakes the foundations of what family is all about. My refusal on this hit them a lot harder than past refusals on other things did.
I don't know if your mom feels this way, but it's possible this is shaking her in ways beyond the usual abusive entitlement. So if you do want to talk with her about it, that might be something to keep in mind.
That said, emotional abuse by a parent also shakes the foundations of what a family is. I don't think your actual decision was wrong, and there's a good chance I would have made it too.
In terms of framing, one thing that I personally would have wanted to hear, in her place, would be an "I'm really sorry" and some expression of your understanding of what I'm going through. Like, I'd want to feel that this isn't a rejection of me or a decision lightly made, and that you can feel how important this is to me. Of course, given the specifics of your relationship and her personality that might have been exactly the wrong thing to say, but I do think it's often an important element of a relationship-preserving rejection, and something that's missing from a lot of the "I'm afraid that won't be possible" scripts out there.
Alternatively, the advice above about just presenting a better-for-you option option as a considerate-for-them, above-and-beyond kind of thing is a pretty great approach (unless they're the kind of person who would only see the bottom line of "my own flesh and blood won't house me", or the kind who would argue against the alternative on the grounds that they don't want to inconvenience you or that it's a waste).
Anyway, all that is moot now. You're absolutely not a terrible person. You made a very understandable decision. You are now in a position where you might need to really think about what kind of relationship you want to have with her going forward, and decide based on that how much to apologize and soften and reassure versus how much to present an implacable front. But again, even if you go the soft route, that doesn't mean you have to change your decision. Sometimes it's possible to draw boundaries gently and with love.
posted by trig at 4:04 PM on January 16 [12 favorites]
I don't know if your mom feels this way, but it's possible this is shaking her in ways beyond the usual abusive entitlement. So if you do want to talk with her about it, that might be something to keep in mind.
That said, emotional abuse by a parent also shakes the foundations of what a family is. I don't think your actual decision was wrong, and there's a good chance I would have made it too.
In terms of framing, one thing that I personally would have wanted to hear, in her place, would be an "I'm really sorry" and some expression of your understanding of what I'm going through. Like, I'd want to feel that this isn't a rejection of me or a decision lightly made, and that you can feel how important this is to me. Of course, given the specifics of your relationship and her personality that might have been exactly the wrong thing to say, but I do think it's often an important element of a relationship-preserving rejection, and something that's missing from a lot of the "I'm afraid that won't be possible" scripts out there.
Alternatively, the advice above about just presenting a better-for-you option option as a considerate-for-them, above-and-beyond kind of thing is a pretty great approach (unless they're the kind of person who would only see the bottom line of "my own flesh and blood won't house me", or the kind who would argue against the alternative on the grounds that they don't want to inconvenience you or that it's a waste).
Anyway, all that is moot now. You're absolutely not a terrible person. You made a very understandable decision. You are now in a position where you might need to really think about what kind of relationship you want to have with her going forward, and decide based on that how much to apologize and soften and reassure versus how much to present an implacable front. But again, even if you go the soft route, that doesn't mean you have to change your decision. Sometimes it's possible to draw boundaries gently and with love.
posted by trig at 4:04 PM on January 16 [12 favorites]
Response by poster: Some additional context I maybe should have included:
My house does have a spare bedroom, but it's not exactly a guest room. It's a little room that smells like cat pee and contains a treadmill, a chair, and a closet that's already stuffed full of stuff. I do not own an air mattress or any other sort of reasonable sleeping surface (I don't even have cushions I could take off of the couch).
The messages are precisely verbatim with the exception of the bits in square brackets. She is very much a person who always uses correct punctuation and capitalization even in text, so that "wow" is ... very much a statement.
Over the last few years, I have set some smaller boundaries with her that she's (mostly) respected, but she still tends to put a lot of the responsibility for handling her emotions onto me.
My initial message I kind of vomited out without really thinking, because that was the only way I could get through it without second-guessing myself out of being able to say no at all, or waiting forever to answer which really would be a jerk move in this situation. My spouse and I discussed whether to give more reasons, and decided that no "why" for her to argue against was probably for the best.
She asked over text, and so I felt like I could reply over text. And I really didn't trust myself to be able to actually say no and stick to it on the phone, and there's already been some "there's no need to take that tone" from her in pretty innocuous exchanges when we've been on the phone during all this, so that's definitely not a prescription for avoiding misunderstanding in our case.
She was also already mad that I "didn't check on her when I knew her power was out" when I had literally no way to know that her power was out until we were already talking, at which point I was, in fact, asking her how she was weathering the storm. In my neighborhood, it was just a storm -- snowy and windy, don't go anywhere, but not a huge deal. It's not like it was a hurricane where you'd expect this kind of catastrophic damage. Her neighborhood was an outlier in the impact, and I didn't know (and couldn't have known) without her telling me.
I can totally understand why she'd be hurt by my "no" (and why even a totally reasonable person would be) and would very much be willing to do things like share some meals, try to find a hotel where she could keep the cat, or similar it she'd give me something to work with. Hell, I would probably have offered to stay with her at the hotel for a couple nights if she didn't want to be alone. But as it stands now, I don't know how to reopen communication without signing myself up for a whole lot of misery.
That's probably too much additional context, and I will stop thread-sitting now.
Thank you everyone for your responses so far. I really appreciate them.
posted by a sock with a monkey on it at 4:07 PM on January 16 [6 favorites]
My house does have a spare bedroom, but it's not exactly a guest room. It's a little room that smells like cat pee and contains a treadmill, a chair, and a closet that's already stuffed full of stuff. I do not own an air mattress or any other sort of reasonable sleeping surface (I don't even have cushions I could take off of the couch).
The messages are precisely verbatim with the exception of the bits in square brackets. She is very much a person who always uses correct punctuation and capitalization even in text, so that "wow" is ... very much a statement.
Over the last few years, I have set some smaller boundaries with her that she's (mostly) respected, but she still tends to put a lot of the responsibility for handling her emotions onto me.
My initial message I kind of vomited out without really thinking, because that was the only way I could get through it without second-guessing myself out of being able to say no at all, or waiting forever to answer which really would be a jerk move in this situation. My spouse and I discussed whether to give more reasons, and decided that no "why" for her to argue against was probably for the best.
She asked over text, and so I felt like I could reply over text. And I really didn't trust myself to be able to actually say no and stick to it on the phone, and there's already been some "there's no need to take that tone" from her in pretty innocuous exchanges when we've been on the phone during all this, so that's definitely not a prescription for avoiding misunderstanding in our case.
She was also already mad that I "didn't check on her when I knew her power was out" when I had literally no way to know that her power was out until we were already talking, at which point I was, in fact, asking her how she was weathering the storm. In my neighborhood, it was just a storm -- snowy and windy, don't go anywhere, but not a huge deal. It's not like it was a hurricane where you'd expect this kind of catastrophic damage. Her neighborhood was an outlier in the impact, and I didn't know (and couldn't have known) without her telling me.
I can totally understand why she'd be hurt by my "no" (and why even a totally reasonable person would be) and would very much be willing to do things like share some meals, try to find a hotel where she could keep the cat, or similar it she'd give me something to work with. Hell, I would probably have offered to stay with her at the hotel for a couple nights if she didn't want to be alone. But as it stands now, I don't know how to reopen communication without signing myself up for a whole lot of misery.
That's probably too much additional context, and I will stop thread-sitting now.
Thank you everyone for your responses so far. I really appreciate them.
posted by a sock with a monkey on it at 4:07 PM on January 16 [6 favorites]
Just another internet stranger saying your response was great. Stick to your guns. I'm sure your mum's rattled, and it's not fun for her, but it sounds like she's also more than willing to use what's going on to dial up her issues with you.
Keep offering to help. "Mum, while it's not possible for me to have you here, I want to help if I can in other ways. Can I help get the insurance on board? What other thing could I do?" I'd stick to text if you can, at least at first, until you feel she's going to approach the situation without behaving badly.
You're not abandoning her. It actually sounds like your cousin is closer and right on top of things anyway. Have you talked with your cousin? They may have some more insight for you on what the situation is.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:41 PM on January 16 [3 favorites]
Keep offering to help. "Mum, while it's not possible for me to have you here, I want to help if I can in other ways. Can I help get the insurance on board? What other thing could I do?" I'd stick to text if you can, at least at first, until you feel she's going to approach the situation without behaving badly.
You're not abandoning her. It actually sounds like your cousin is closer and right on top of things anyway. Have you talked with your cousin? They may have some more insight for you on what the situation is.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:41 PM on January 16 [3 favorites]
"But as it stands now, I don't know how to reopen communication without signing myself up for a whole lot of misery."
Don't. You don't need to try to reopen communication right now. As others have said, your mom is a grown-up who can figure out her emotions on this. You don't need to manage her emotions and reopening communication would be doing that.
You have an appointment to look at the damage on Thursday. Keep that. Bring packing stuff - bins, bags, suitcase - help her make sure her stuff is safe. Take lots of pics for insurance. Maybe before then you could look up hotels or extended stays or airbnbs where she can stay with pets. Bring that list with you and see if she's amenable to any of those. Take her for coffee, cocoa, a drink, a meal after the house check-in. Do what you already said you would do. No more.
posted by brookeb at 4:50 PM on January 16 [6 favorites]
Don't. You don't need to try to reopen communication right now. As others have said, your mom is a grown-up who can figure out her emotions on this. You don't need to manage her emotions and reopening communication would be doing that.
You have an appointment to look at the damage on Thursday. Keep that. Bring packing stuff - bins, bags, suitcase - help her make sure her stuff is safe. Take lots of pics for insurance. Maybe before then you could look up hotels or extended stays or airbnbs where she can stay with pets. Bring that list with you and see if she's amenable to any of those. Take her for coffee, cocoa, a drink, a meal after the house check-in. Do what you already said you would do. No more.
posted by brookeb at 4:50 PM on January 16 [6 favorites]
Congratulations, you have learned the wonderful art of saying no. Now that you’ve done it once, you can do it again.
posted by Melismata at 4:52 PM on January 16 [5 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 4:52 PM on January 16 [5 favorites]
So... was I a jerk?
Nope.
Was that an awful thing to do?
Also Nope.
Is it OK to not want her in my space?
Yep.
I'm pretty sure that first message was bad, and I should have said more of what was in the second up-front, but ... how bad was it?
Not bad. In fact, quite reasonable!
Your mom is allowed to feel however she feels, and that's not on you. You are allowed to feel however you feel, and that is ok. From this random internet outsider's perspective, you didn't do anything wrong. You are setting appropriate boundaries for yourself and your own mental health - good job!
posted by Ms Vegetable at 4:53 PM on January 16 [6 favorites]
Nope.
Was that an awful thing to do?
Also Nope.
Is it OK to not want her in my space?
Yep.
I'm pretty sure that first message was bad, and I should have said more of what was in the second up-front, but ... how bad was it?
Not bad. In fact, quite reasonable!
Your mom is allowed to feel however she feels, and that's not on you. You are allowed to feel however you feel, and that is ok. From this random internet outsider's perspective, you didn't do anything wrong. You are setting appropriate boundaries for yourself and your own mental health - good job!
posted by Ms Vegetable at 4:53 PM on January 16 [6 favorites]
Gosh, you said you vomited out that response and it still sounds totally fine to me. I think that, when you read it, you are feeling the emotion in it. To me, it reads just fine, not at all unkind or harsh.
You don't need to reopen communication. You gave your mom some offers. She can respond now. Again, it's not your job to manage your mom's emotions. She might be sulking right now. That's okay. Let her sulk.
I know this is going to sound a bit strange given your stress, but honestly, I think you and your partner could also take a moment and take some deep breaths and recognize what a great job you did doing some super hard.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:53 PM on January 16 [15 favorites]
You don't need to reopen communication. You gave your mom some offers. She can respond now. Again, it's not your job to manage your mom's emotions. She might be sulking right now. That's okay. Let her sulk.
I know this is going to sound a bit strange given your stress, but honestly, I think you and your partner could also take a moment and take some deep breaths and recognize what a great job you did doing some super hard.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:53 PM on January 16 [15 favorites]
I'm guessing we come from very different cultural contexts vis a vis filial piety and the like, because a refusal like this would be seen as ice cold in my family and tantamount to disowning my parents, lol. Judging by the other responses though, this is perhaps not the norm!
My house does have a spare bedroom, but it's not exactly a guest room. It's a little room that smells like cat pee and contains a treadmill, a chair, and a closet that's already stuffed full of stuff. I do not own an air mattress or any other sort of reasonable sleeping surface (I don't even have cushions I could take off of the couch).
Different contexts aside though, I'm confused about why you wouldn't have led with this with your mom. Telling her "we have a spare room, but it's not in any kind of shape for guests, there isn't even a bed or room for an air mattress, and we just don't have anywhere to comfortably put you up. I don't want to stress us both out in an already stressful time. Can I arrange a hotel for you?" It's a face-saving thing for both of you: it softens the blow of a flat-out refusal in a stressful, traumatic time, so your mom doesn't end up thinking you hate her, you get a way out of hosting her, and also, it's true. You don't have the space to comfortably put her up! So why not lead with that?
There's nothing wrong with your boundaries, and it's totally understandable that you don't want to share space with her. It's good that you're aware enough to know that, and to understand you have a difficult relationship and still advocate for your own needs. But I'm wondering why you led with the negatives in your messages to her: that it's "not a good idea" without clarification, and then an "I love you but..." Never a good thing to hear, much less in a time of need.
I'm not saying you have to or should center your mother's feelings all the time, but in this specific instance, well, maybe you could have had some more consideration for her feelings. Maybe you could follow up with something to the effect of "I think my earlier messages came off as harsher than I wanted them to, it's just that [explain status of spare room]. I really do think you'll be more comfortable in a hotel."
posted by yasaman at 5:18 PM on January 16 [28 favorites]
My house does have a spare bedroom, but it's not exactly a guest room. It's a little room that smells like cat pee and contains a treadmill, a chair, and a closet that's already stuffed full of stuff. I do not own an air mattress or any other sort of reasonable sleeping surface (I don't even have cushions I could take off of the couch).
Different contexts aside though, I'm confused about why you wouldn't have led with this with your mom. Telling her "we have a spare room, but it's not in any kind of shape for guests, there isn't even a bed or room for an air mattress, and we just don't have anywhere to comfortably put you up. I don't want to stress us both out in an already stressful time. Can I arrange a hotel for you?" It's a face-saving thing for both of you: it softens the blow of a flat-out refusal in a stressful, traumatic time, so your mom doesn't end up thinking you hate her, you get a way out of hosting her, and also, it's true. You don't have the space to comfortably put her up! So why not lead with that?
There's nothing wrong with your boundaries, and it's totally understandable that you don't want to share space with her. It's good that you're aware enough to know that, and to understand you have a difficult relationship and still advocate for your own needs. But I'm wondering why you led with the negatives in your messages to her: that it's "not a good idea" without clarification, and then an "I love you but..." Never a good thing to hear, much less in a time of need.
I'm not saying you have to or should center your mother's feelings all the time, but in this specific instance, well, maybe you could have had some more consideration for her feelings. Maybe you could follow up with something to the effect of "I think my earlier messages came off as harsher than I wanted them to, it's just that [explain status of spare room]. I really do think you'll be more comfortable in a hotel."
posted by yasaman at 5:18 PM on January 16 [28 favorites]
Best answer: I do think your answer was harsh, and should have taken better care with your first words there.
I think it's worth acknowledging that much to her, and acknowledging that getting "no" straight off must have hurt. You have written above that you know that much.
I don't think your reasoning for why she can't move in is wrong; I agree with you there, and admire your thoughtful boundary-setting. I don't think you need to invite her to live with you. It's easy to understand that communicating with her is stressful, and those are all decent reasons why you didn't live up to your best self in that moment. We're all human, and make mistakes.
But I think you will help yourself be a better human, to say "I'm sorry for how that came out. It must have hurt to feel like I wouldn't step up for you when you needed me. That's not what I meant, and I didn't do a good job of telling you that. Let's talk about what I can do to help from here". And then moving on.
posted by Dashy at 5:18 PM on January 16 [12 favorites]
I think it's worth acknowledging that much to her, and acknowledging that getting "no" straight off must have hurt. You have written above that you know that much.
I don't think your reasoning for why she can't move in is wrong; I agree with you there, and admire your thoughtful boundary-setting. I don't think you need to invite her to live with you. It's easy to understand that communicating with her is stressful, and those are all decent reasons why you didn't live up to your best self in that moment. We're all human, and make mistakes.
But I think you will help yourself be a better human, to say "I'm sorry for how that came out. It must have hurt to feel like I wouldn't step up for you when you needed me. That's not what I meant, and I didn't do a good job of telling you that. Let's talk about what I can do to help from here". And then moving on.
posted by Dashy at 5:18 PM on January 16 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I think there’s a myth that setting boundaries and self care is going to result in a smoother, happier set of interactions. That isn’t how it goes a lot of the time.
I think you did what you needed to do and it sounds right for you. You mitigated the impact by offering to pay for a hotel room. Ethically, you’re quite in the clear here.
Relationship-wise, of course this came as a blow to your mum. She’s going through a terrible time. However, that relationship doesn’t exist in a vacuum - it’s with you, and you have limits and you had to assert them. So the answer to your question is - you set reasonable boundaries for yourself. For your mum, that read as callous. You are both allowed all the feelings. You can in fact feel bad (because you can empathize with her viewpoint) and still have done the right thing (you would feel worse after her being there for a few weeks.) you don’t have to seek a jury on it. It’s okay. You offered a very solid alternative.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:26 PM on January 16 [30 favorites]
I think you did what you needed to do and it sounds right for you. You mitigated the impact by offering to pay for a hotel room. Ethically, you’re quite in the clear here.
Relationship-wise, of course this came as a blow to your mum. She’s going through a terrible time. However, that relationship doesn’t exist in a vacuum - it’s with you, and you have limits and you had to assert them. So the answer to your question is - you set reasonable boundaries for yourself. For your mum, that read as callous. You are both allowed all the feelings. You can in fact feel bad (because you can empathize with her viewpoint) and still have done the right thing (you would feel worse after her being there for a few weeks.) you don’t have to seek a jury on it. It’s okay. You offered a very solid alternative.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:26 PM on January 16 [30 favorites]
My house does have a spare bedroom, but it's not exactly a guest room. It's a little room that smells like cat pee and contains a treadmill, a chair, and a closet that's already stuffed full of stuff. I do not own an air mattress or any other sort of reasonable sleeping surface (I don't even have cushions I could take off of the couch).
Obviously you have a lot of reasons to prefer she not stay at your house, but the reasons here that would save face for everyone would be to say that you don't have a bed for her at your house or even a place to put an air mattress, and you want her to have a comfortable warm bed to sleep in so you would like to pay for a hotel.
You could reach out to her now and say that you haven't heard back from her, it's important to you that she have a comfortable warm place to stay where she can get a good nights sleep, and you are sorry that you don't have a bed at your house available, and you have found a place where she can bring her cat, would she like you to book it for her?
Whether or not this would help the situation, I don't know your mother so I can't tell you how she will react. But in general, if there is a logistics reason to give instead of a reason rooted in deep emotional conflict, it helps reduce futher conflict to go with the logistics reason.
posted by yohko at 5:32 PM on January 16 [2 favorites]
Obviously you have a lot of reasons to prefer she not stay at your house, but the reasons here that would save face for everyone would be to say that you don't have a bed for her at your house or even a place to put an air mattress, and you want her to have a comfortable warm bed to sleep in so you would like to pay for a hotel.
You could reach out to her now and say that you haven't heard back from her, it's important to you that she have a comfortable warm place to stay where she can get a good nights sleep, and you are sorry that you don't have a bed at your house available, and you have found a place where she can bring her cat, would she like you to book it for her?
Whether or not this would help the situation, I don't know your mother so I can't tell you how she will react. But in general, if there is a logistics reason to give instead of a reason rooted in deep emotional conflict, it helps reduce futher conflict to go with the logistics reason.
posted by yohko at 5:32 PM on January 16 [2 favorites]
I hardly slept last night out of stress over having to answer, and I've spent most of today curled up in a small a ball as I can in the corner of my home office crying and occasionally hyperventilating. I can't concentrate, my heart-rate is over 100 just typing this up (which is significantly calmer than I've been most of the day) and I'm feeling like a terrible person.
Your body knows that your mom is abusive, and is bracing for her to punish you for anything less than total obedience to her whims. Listen to your body. You did the hard but right thing. If she wants to reopen communication, she can.
posted by heatherlogan at 5:33 PM on January 16 [34 favorites]
Your body knows that your mom is abusive, and is bracing for her to punish you for anything less than total obedience to her whims. Listen to your body. You did the hard but right thing. If she wants to reopen communication, she can.
posted by heatherlogan at 5:33 PM on January 16 [34 favorites]
Best answer: THIS WAS SUCH A HARD THING TO DO AND YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB. As someone who's been through a few versions of this, you stood up for yourself and did the difficult thing in a kind way. Please give yourself a high-five for me. You were not being cruel or unkind -- you were taking care of yourself (and her!) in the best way you could. You will get better at this with practice, but really, you did a GREAT JOB.
I want to share two resources that have been useful for me, and may be useful for you. They come at this issue from different directions, and they might seem contradictory at first, but I've found them both helpful. They may give you additional perspectives on what you're dealing with.
1. The podcast We Can Do Hard Things had two episodes featuring Lindsay Gibson, called Healing From Emotionally Immature Parents (transcript) and Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People (transcript). In the second, Lindsey Gibson said something that I've really been turning over in my mind ever since I heard it: "If a person wants to understand what you’re saying, it doesn’t matter how you say it. If a person doesn't want to understand what you’re saying, it doesn’t matter how you say it." Another, less absolute, way of saying this might be, "Communication is a collaboration between speaker and listener."
Think on that and see if it resonates with you at all. If so, maybe you can try to absolve yourself of the responsibility of trying to find the perfect words to explain to your mom that your relationship is not everything she wants it to be. It's a reality that she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge -- but the fact that it's a reality isn't your fault, and there's no perfect way you can say it to make her recognize it if she doesn't want to recognize it.
2. There's a communication method called SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) which I've found helpful in getting through to folks who are not willing to acknowledge the reality of a challenging relationship. Your texts are already 99% of the way there, which is amazing! I had to read a book to learn how to do this. Learning more about this technique might help you feel more confident about setting boundaries in the future. Here's how it might look:
- [Support] I love you. I want to you be safe and comfortable.
- [Empathy] I know what a hard time you've been going through with the house situation -- I really feel for you.
- [Truth] It's not easy for us to share space even in the best circumstances, so I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay here. If [insurance] hasn’t sorted something out for you before Friday, we’d be happy to put you up in a hotel, and I can do the legwork on finding a place that’ll work for you.
You can find more information on the SET technique here, or in the book Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder (note that I'm not trying to suggest that I know what's up with your mom or if she has BPD, but this situation sounds extremely familiar to me as one where the SET technique might be helpful).
I wish you the best of luck with this. Please be kind to yourself.
posted by ourobouros at 6:01 PM on January 16 [41 favorites]
I want to share two resources that have been useful for me, and may be useful for you. They come at this issue from different directions, and they might seem contradictory at first, but I've found them both helpful. They may give you additional perspectives on what you're dealing with.
1. The podcast We Can Do Hard Things had two episodes featuring Lindsay Gibson, called Healing From Emotionally Immature Parents (transcript) and Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People (transcript). In the second, Lindsey Gibson said something that I've really been turning over in my mind ever since I heard it: "If a person wants to understand what you’re saying, it doesn’t matter how you say it. If a person doesn't want to understand what you’re saying, it doesn’t matter how you say it." Another, less absolute, way of saying this might be, "Communication is a collaboration between speaker and listener."
Think on that and see if it resonates with you at all. If so, maybe you can try to absolve yourself of the responsibility of trying to find the perfect words to explain to your mom that your relationship is not everything she wants it to be. It's a reality that she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge -- but the fact that it's a reality isn't your fault, and there's no perfect way you can say it to make her recognize it if she doesn't want to recognize it.
2. There's a communication method called SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) which I've found helpful in getting through to folks who are not willing to acknowledge the reality of a challenging relationship. Your texts are already 99% of the way there, which is amazing! I had to read a book to learn how to do this. Learning more about this technique might help you feel more confident about setting boundaries in the future. Here's how it might look:
- [Support] I love you. I want to you be safe and comfortable.
- [Empathy] I know what a hard time you've been going through with the house situation -- I really feel for you.
- [Truth] It's not easy for us to share space even in the best circumstances, so I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay here. If [insurance] hasn’t sorted something out for you before Friday, we’d be happy to put you up in a hotel, and I can do the legwork on finding a place that’ll work for you.
You can find more information on the SET technique here, or in the book Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder (note that I'm not trying to suggest that I know what's up with your mom or if she has BPD, but this situation sounds extremely familiar to me as one where the SET technique might be helpful).
I wish you the best of luck with this. Please be kind to yourself.
posted by ourobouros at 6:01 PM on January 16 [41 favorites]
I think you A) prioritized what was healthy for you, and B) were harsh and unsupportive in your message towards your mom. It's possible to be both healthy and supportive, but I think you did only the former.
I will say, many of the other replies here sound quite cold and harsh.
As someone with my own fraught relationship with a parent, I have empathy for you! It's okay to know and assert what's healthy for you.
But an emergency situation where a home is uninhabitable is an emergency -- your mom is literally houseless. Your mom is traumatized and stressed, and reaching out to their child in a time of need and bodily safety. You might not be able to let her stay over, but you can at least proactively help her: "Our place is too small ... but I'm going to book a great hotel for you and have dinner with you!"
posted by many more sunsets at 7:08 PM on January 16 [10 favorites]
I will say, many of the other replies here sound quite cold and harsh.
As someone with my own fraught relationship with a parent, I have empathy for you! It's okay to know and assert what's healthy for you.
But an emergency situation where a home is uninhabitable is an emergency -- your mom is literally houseless. Your mom is traumatized and stressed, and reaching out to their child in a time of need and bodily safety. You might not be able to let her stay over, but you can at least proactively help her: "Our place is too small ... but I'm going to book a great hotel for you and have dinner with you!"
posted by many more sunsets at 7:08 PM on January 16 [10 favorites]
Well done you.
You've done the Hardest Thing - said No to an abuser - and it hurt you because the Hardest Thing is insanely hard, which is of course exactly why abuse keeps happening.
Taking that risk cost you the stress that you're now recovering from. The best part is that now that you know for a fact that you can recover, saying No when you need to will never be that hard ever again.
Your home is your refuge first and foremost, and you are not obliged to invite your mother to spread her own home's storm damage into yours.
For what it's worth, I don't read anything you wrote to her as either harsh or unsupportive. I think you handled it just perfectly.
posted by flabdablet at 7:22 PM on January 16 [6 favorites]
You've done the Hardest Thing - said No to an abuser - and it hurt you because the Hardest Thing is insanely hard, which is of course exactly why abuse keeps happening.
Taking that risk cost you the stress that you're now recovering from. The best part is that now that you know for a fact that you can recover, saying No when you need to will never be that hard ever again.
Your home is your refuge first and foremost, and you are not obliged to invite your mother to spread her own home's storm damage into yours.
For what it's worth, I don't read anything you wrote to her as either harsh or unsupportive. I think you handled it just perfectly.
posted by flabdablet at 7:22 PM on January 16 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all so much for your advice. I think I really did need to hear both sides of it -- that it was ok to set the boundary and that I hadn't done anything terrible, but also that I could have approached it with a lot more compassion and care.
I think I did owe her an apology, and I managed to write one that I can feel good about. There's no way "I don't have an air mattress" was going to cover it, but I found a way to explain that this was something I needed to preserve our relationship, and to apologize sincerely for how I handled it without apologizing for having the boundary. That distinction was what I needed to find, and the advice from all of you was what I needed to find it.
The apology has been accepted and we're back to planning next steps. Insurance came through and found her a good place to stay, and I'll be going over as planned to help with her first time seeing the house.
Thank you again. I'm going through to mark some best answers for particular pieces that helped me see things more clearly, but I appreciate every single one.
posted by a sock with a monkey on it at 7:28 PM on January 16 [40 favorites]
I think I did owe her an apology, and I managed to write one that I can feel good about. There's no way "I don't have an air mattress" was going to cover it, but I found a way to explain that this was something I needed to preserve our relationship, and to apologize sincerely for how I handled it without apologizing for having the boundary. That distinction was what I needed to find, and the advice from all of you was what I needed to find it.
The apology has been accepted and we're back to planning next steps. Insurance came through and found her a good place to stay, and I'll be going over as planned to help with her first time seeing the house.
Thank you again. I'm going through to mark some best answers for particular pieces that helped me see things more clearly, but I appreciate every single one.
posted by a sock with a monkey on it at 7:28 PM on January 16 [40 favorites]
The next thing is how to move forward. Your Mom, troubled as she is, has experienced a severe event. I think you and she will both be helped by love without the love being part of a negotiation or response to manipulation. Just, Mom, it's really hard, your house is damaged, the storm was terrifying. I'm so happy you'll be safe and comfortable in a hotel. Accompany this with as big a hug or other gesture of comfort as you can manage. You do love her, want to have a relationship, and you're setting and maintaining boundaries. You can still give affection and support, and just love. It was something I had to learn with my Mom, who was very difficult, and I felt better when I was able to do it. Because if who I want to be.
I think you're doing a terrific job.
posted by theora55 at 10:36 PM on January 16
I think you're doing a terrific job.
posted by theora55 at 10:36 PM on January 16
The temptation with this kind of thing is to retroactively edit your words and actions and ruminate about "maybe if I'd said it like this, or used these words, then..."
But the bottom line is that you and your mother want different things. Beyond the baseline of civility, which you were, it doesn't matter what words you chose to convey the message.
It's not your responsibility to control your mother's feelings, or her opinion of you. And it's impossible to do that in any case. She's going to think and feel whatever she will.
You want different things. You have different views on what happened in the past.
You might feel as if you need your mother to understand and agree with your version of the past, in order for it to be true and valid, but you don't.
Your needs and feelings are valid, whether or not she understands or approves.
posted by Zumbador at 10:56 PM on January 16 [3 favorites]
But the bottom line is that you and your mother want different things. Beyond the baseline of civility, which you were, it doesn't matter what words you chose to convey the message.
It's not your responsibility to control your mother's feelings, or her opinion of you. And it's impossible to do that in any case. She's going to think and feel whatever she will.
You want different things. You have different views on what happened in the past.
You might feel as if you need your mother to understand and agree with your version of the past, in order for it to be true and valid, but you don't.
Your needs and feelings are valid, whether or not she understands or approves.
posted by Zumbador at 10:56 PM on January 16 [3 favorites]
Sounds like you handled this situation perfectly tbh!
posted by chives at 3:11 AM on January 17 [2 favorites]
posted by chives at 3:11 AM on January 17 [2 favorites]
You're trying to build a healthy relationship with your mom after years and years of ingrained unhealthy patterns (not just unhealthy but abusive from her end).
In order to build healthy relationships, we should strive to speak (necessary) truths to the other person in a kind way EVEN IF THAT HURTS THEIR FEELINGS. For their part, they need to learn how to work through their difficult feelings on their own and learn to trust in the relationship in a whole new way. For your part, you need to learn to let them have their difficult feelings, learn to tolerate that anxiety and discomfort you feel when someone is mad at you, and learn to trust the relationship in a whole new way too.
Now, stop assuming you did something bad just because you *feel* bad. The only possible objection to honesty in relationships is if the person who is being honest is also being cruel or thoughtless or unkind, or telling truths that nobody asked for and nobody needed to know. But you didn't tell any such ugly truth. You were kind, thoughtful, and generous alongside your truth-telling. You made sure to only tell necessary truths. You did great.
Just because someone is mad at you, doesn't mean you did something wrong. Heck, it doesn't even mean your mom is doing something wrong. Both of you are learning new ways to interact with one another. This is good. This is a learning experience for both of you. Difficult relationships don't get healthier without experiencing these growing pains.
posted by MiraK at 9:00 AM on January 17 [3 favorites]
In order to build healthy relationships, we should strive to speak (necessary) truths to the other person in a kind way EVEN IF THAT HURTS THEIR FEELINGS. For their part, they need to learn how to work through their difficult feelings on their own and learn to trust in the relationship in a whole new way. For your part, you need to learn to let them have their difficult feelings, learn to tolerate that anxiety and discomfort you feel when someone is mad at you, and learn to trust the relationship in a whole new way too.
Now, stop assuming you did something bad just because you *feel* bad. The only possible objection to honesty in relationships is if the person who is being honest is also being cruel or thoughtless or unkind, or telling truths that nobody asked for and nobody needed to know. But you didn't tell any such ugly truth. You were kind, thoughtful, and generous alongside your truth-telling. You made sure to only tell necessary truths. You did great.
Just because someone is mad at you, doesn't mean you did something wrong. Heck, it doesn't even mean your mom is doing something wrong. Both of you are learning new ways to interact with one another. This is good. This is a learning experience for both of you. Difficult relationships don't get healthier without experiencing these growing pains.
posted by MiraK at 9:00 AM on January 17 [3 favorites]
You had a tough decision to make. I believe both sides of the coin are in play here. You might have been able to compose a more graceful reply, but only under other circumstances. Your relationship with her seems to be fraught with booby traps, minefields, and rabbit holes.
You now must go through the motions of second-guessing yourself. Do yourself a favor; don't beat yourself up over this. Texting is a terrible way to communicate a delicate situation, but a conversation with her would be disastrous, too. You have to deal with what you can do to help her, but not necessarily what she has asked you. She's in a complicated fix, but you were correct in not trying to give what you don't have to offer.
Saying no is usually hard. You are not happy about what you did. Sometimes, discomfort is a price you pay to do the right thing. Go for it if you can talk with her about this without getting bulldozed into submission. Otherwise, please do what you can do, offer what you can offer, but it's up to her to accept.
posted by mule98J at 4:18 PM on January 17
You now must go through the motions of second-guessing yourself. Do yourself a favor; don't beat yourself up over this. Texting is a terrible way to communicate a delicate situation, but a conversation with her would be disastrous, too. You have to deal with what you can do to help her, but not necessarily what she has asked you. She's in a complicated fix, but you were correct in not trying to give what you don't have to offer.
Saying no is usually hard. You are not happy about what you did. Sometimes, discomfort is a price you pay to do the right thing. Go for it if you can talk with her about this without getting bulldozed into submission. Otherwise, please do what you can do, offer what you can offer, but it's up to her to accept.
posted by mule98J at 4:18 PM on January 17
I'm happy that you were able to craft an apology, that the apology was accepted, and that you're both happier with the outcome. Congratulations on moving forward in settling the situation and strengthening your relationship.
Can I remind you to be kind to yourself? You didn't grow up with a positive role model in how to deal with fraught issues like this, and those well-trained past reactions can be easily activated under stress. You're well on your way to knowing what you need to do to be mentally healthy. Boundaries are absolutely necessary, but they don't have to be presented in a hurtful way. Overall, you handled it well, and it seems like you are also viewing it as a learning experience. Good for you. The more positive outcomes from these negative experiences mean personal growth and growth in your relationship with your mom.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:43 PM on January 19
Can I remind you to be kind to yourself? You didn't grow up with a positive role model in how to deal with fraught issues like this, and those well-trained past reactions can be easily activated under stress. You're well on your way to knowing what you need to do to be mentally healthy. Boundaries are absolutely necessary, but they don't have to be presented in a hurtful way. Overall, you handled it well, and it seems like you are also viewing it as a learning experience. Good for you. The more positive outcomes from these negative experiences mean personal growth and growth in your relationship with your mom.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:43 PM on January 19
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
I don't think you could have said it better or differently. And let's note that "wow" isn't a totally understanding response, but you are doing that thing of blaming yourself, and how you wrote the message, for her response. It's not a huge surprise that she's not happy, and it's also okay that she's not happy. It's not your job to take care of her at the expense of yourself. But you are both taking care of yourself and offering to support her in some real ways.
You did nothing wrong. You did everything right, from what I see. At this moment, you don't have her approval, and that is because she is probably (based on what you've said) incapable of giving you love and approval in the way that you'd want. You're not going to get it, no matter what.
I know this is hard. Do you have a therapist you can talk to? Because it seems to me like, for one of the first times, you drew a super healthy boundary. That's good but not easy, and you did it. Good job, truly.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:07 PM on January 16 [79 favorites]