Information about ethical adoption
December 27, 2023 7:42 AM Subscribe
I'm interested in becoming a parent. It looks like the traditional biological method of having a kid might not be available to me. I'm interested in adoption, but I know adoption can be ethically fraught. I'm looking for information and resources on what an ethical adoption might look like.
I'm looking for anything and everything that will help me learn about this: books about adoption, practical information about specific agencies who approach adoption through an ethical lens, anything you think could be useful. Absolutely feel free to share your personal experience, but please do so with kindness and assuming good intentions on my part.
I'm a woman based in the US, and I'm white—mentioning that in case you want to share info on transracial adoption. And I have done some research into foster parenting, but it seems like going into fostering with the intent to adopt isn't ideal, since the goal is usually reunification; feel free to tell me if I should adjust my thinking on that!
I'm looking for anything and everything that will help me learn about this: books about adoption, practical information about specific agencies who approach adoption through an ethical lens, anything you think could be useful. Absolutely feel free to share your personal experience, but please do so with kindness and assuming good intentions on my part.
I'm a woman based in the US, and I'm white—mentioning that in case you want to share info on transracial adoption. And I have done some research into foster parenting, but it seems like going into fostering with the intent to adopt isn't ideal, since the goal is usually reunification; feel free to tell me if I should adjust my thinking on that!
I am an adoptive parent and also someone who sees the horrors of the foster system and I share your interest in ethical adoption. What would be an ethical adoption varies dramatically from state to state. My husband and I worked with a very old school social worker who was very transparent about the plusses and minuses of various agencies (most are profit-oriented here), private adoptions, and foster adoptions. Depending on how things work in your state, foster adoptions can be amazing. I know many people who adopted children out of really horrific situations where reunification with biological parents would not be possible. Foster adoptions can also be morally suspect ways of reallocating children from poor parents to wealthier ones. The problem is that you do not know which kind of call you would get, or whether it truly is a situation where reunification is best and you are a temporary respite helping a family who really needs it. Would you be okay with that?
I would find a socialworker who specializes in adoption to help you work through your options because what is ethical is a function of the setting where you are.
posted by *s at 9:53 AM on December 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
I would find a socialworker who specializes in adoption to help you work through your options because what is ethical is a function of the setting where you are.
posted by *s at 9:53 AM on December 27, 2023 [3 favorites]
I am a transracial transnational adult adoptee (wow, what a mouthful). I have a close relationship with my adoptive parents, and I recently reunited with my birth mother and biological siblings.
agencies who approach adoption through an ethical lens
I do not think that these exist. I do not think that adoption is ethical. My adoptive parents bought me to solve their infertility problem. My adoptive mother relinquished me because of extreme poverty, violence, and political instability in my birth country. She wished to parent and sought resources to help her do so, but the agency she worked with coerced her into adoption. They offered her safety and refuge in exchange for her baby. This is a pretty common story in my birth country.
I am queer, and my partner and I cannot conceive. I will not have children because I do not believe adoption is ethical. I also cannot imagine using a sperm donor, because I could not deny my child the opportunity to know a biological parent. We will likely foster with the goal of reunification. I believe this is the only ethical way for us to parent.
I belong to several support groups for adoptees from my birth country. Nearly every country has one for adoptees. Adoption trauma is significant and something adoptees must deal with their entire lives and something that adoptive parents are often ill-equipped to deal with.
If you're going to adopt, I'd encourage you to follow ImproviseorDie's advice. Insist on open adoption and speak with adult adoptees. I would also not adopt outside of your race. I'm happy to speak with you more, and I commend you for asking these questions.
Adoptee Remembrance Day is held every October 30th.
Best of luck.
posted by spacebologna at 10:49 AM on December 27, 2023 [12 favorites]
agencies who approach adoption through an ethical lens
I do not think that these exist. I do not think that adoption is ethical. My adoptive parents bought me to solve their infertility problem. My adoptive mother relinquished me because of extreme poverty, violence, and political instability in my birth country. She wished to parent and sought resources to help her do so, but the agency she worked with coerced her into adoption. They offered her safety and refuge in exchange for her baby. This is a pretty common story in my birth country.
I am queer, and my partner and I cannot conceive. I will not have children because I do not believe adoption is ethical. I also cannot imagine using a sperm donor, because I could not deny my child the opportunity to know a biological parent. We will likely foster with the goal of reunification. I believe this is the only ethical way for us to parent.
I belong to several support groups for adoptees from my birth country. Nearly every country has one for adoptees. Adoption trauma is significant and something adoptees must deal with their entire lives and something that adoptive parents are often ill-equipped to deal with.
If you're going to adopt, I'd encourage you to follow ImproviseorDie's advice. Insist on open adoption and speak with adult adoptees. I would also not adopt outside of your race. I'm happy to speak with you more, and I commend you for asking these questions.
Adoptee Remembrance Day is held every October 30th.
Best of luck.
posted by spacebologna at 10:49 AM on December 27, 2023 [12 favorites]
I also want to acknowledge that these are my thoughts and perspectives. Adoption is a fraught topic. I do not believe I can't tell someone that they can or cannot adopt. I can't tell a family whether they can use a sperm or egg donor. These are incredible personal decisions. But this is my own set of ethics based on my experience as a transnational, transracial adoptee.
posted by spacebologna at 11:00 AM on December 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by spacebologna at 11:00 AM on December 27, 2023 [4 favorites]
As a parent-until-death of three now-adult ex-children each of whom came into our permanent care after some years of fostering with us, it's my considered opinion that not only is this the most ethical route to non-reproductive parenthood, but given the eight billion humans who already exist on our planet and the huge number of existing kids in dire need, it's also the most ethical route to parenthood period.
Foster parenting is complicated, difficult, occasionally heartbreaking and ultimately massively rewarding because it's parenting. In fact it's backup parenting for kids whose biological parents are not currently in a position to parent but will always be hugely important figures in the kids' lives. All our kids, including those who did end up returning to their biological parents, have always had as much contact with their biological families as they've wanted within the constraints of safety.
Foster a kid properly for any length of time and you will find yourself becoming the nexus of an extended family, one that includes a whole fleet of new relatives, some of whom have probably had and may well continue to have more difficulty with the whole adulting thing than you. This can be tricky to navigate, but as long as your compass is firmly oriented toward putting the kids' needs first it will always be in some way doable.
The upside here is that the longer you've had to bond with a foster child, the longer you've had for your birth family and their birth family to become the family, so if they do end up re-unifying with their birth parents it's not like they're just being yoinked entirely out of your life.
If you have even a whiff of attachment to the idea that any kid could ever belong to you rather than belonging to themselves, I'd strongly urge you to give up on parenting altogether and do something else with your time. Whether or not a kid belongs with you is for the kid to decide.
Cross-cultural fostering, particularly when it ends up as permanent care, certainly adds complexity. We're in Australia where the Stolen Generations loom large, so we've occasionally been targets for abuse from both the indigenous and colonial branches of our now-extended family though not from people who know both us and the kids well. I'd never say don't do it. I will say make sure your eyes are wide open to all the issues and take those issues seriously. They matter.
Bottom line: if you're going into this motivated by an intent to provide a stable, loving, supportive home for existing kids in desperate need of one, then you have a very valuable contribution to make toward improving the frequently horrific state of foster care as it currently exists, and I'd strongly urge you to give it serious consideration.
posted by flabdablet at 11:39 AM on December 27, 2023 [17 favorites]
Foster parenting is complicated, difficult, occasionally heartbreaking and ultimately massively rewarding because it's parenting. In fact it's backup parenting for kids whose biological parents are not currently in a position to parent but will always be hugely important figures in the kids' lives. All our kids, including those who did end up returning to their biological parents, have always had as much contact with their biological families as they've wanted within the constraints of safety.
Foster a kid properly for any length of time and you will find yourself becoming the nexus of an extended family, one that includes a whole fleet of new relatives, some of whom have probably had and may well continue to have more difficulty with the whole adulting thing than you. This can be tricky to navigate, but as long as your compass is firmly oriented toward putting the kids' needs first it will always be in some way doable.
The upside here is that the longer you've had to bond with a foster child, the longer you've had for your birth family and their birth family to become the family, so if they do end up re-unifying with their birth parents it's not like they're just being yoinked entirely out of your life.
If you have even a whiff of attachment to the idea that any kid could ever belong to you rather than belonging to themselves, I'd strongly urge you to give up on parenting altogether and do something else with your time. Whether or not a kid belongs with you is for the kid to decide.
Cross-cultural fostering, particularly when it ends up as permanent care, certainly adds complexity. We're in Australia where the Stolen Generations loom large, so we've occasionally been targets for abuse from both the indigenous and colonial branches of our now-extended family though not from people who know both us and the kids well. I'd never say don't do it. I will say make sure your eyes are wide open to all the issues and take those issues seriously. They matter.
Bottom line: if you're going into this motivated by an intent to provide a stable, loving, supportive home for existing kids in desperate need of one, then you have a very valuable contribution to make toward improving the frequently horrific state of foster care as it currently exists, and I'd strongly urge you to give it serious consideration.
posted by flabdablet at 11:39 AM on December 27, 2023 [17 favorites]
Nicole Chung recently wrote an excellent memoir on being a transracial adoptee, All You Can Ever Know.
Roxanne Asgarian wrote a much more harrowing book, We Were Once a Family, about those poor black kids unnecessarily removed from family care and ultimately murdered by their white adoptive parents a few years back.
My cousin (white) has adopted two black kids (siblings). She is kind-hearted, but evangelical, but even within that framework she knew the adoption had to be open, and the kids' mom is very much still in their lives. Short of actual abuse (not neglect), I can't imagine it could ethically be any other way.
posted by praemunire at 1:34 PM on December 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
Roxanne Asgarian wrote a much more harrowing book, We Were Once a Family, about those poor black kids unnecessarily removed from family care and ultimately murdered by their white adoptive parents a few years back.
My cousin (white) has adopted two black kids (siblings). She is kind-hearted, but evangelical, but even within that framework she knew the adoption had to be open, and the kids' mom is very much still in their lives. Short of actual abuse (not neglect), I can't imagine it could ethically be any other way.
posted by praemunire at 1:34 PM on December 27, 2023 [1 favorite]
I have to strongly second spacebologna that adoption is not ethical. I have an adopted brother. I would never, ever, ever, ever adopt outside of the foster system. Adoption is buying a child, and then the child grows up and has all the trauma of having been alternately, treated like a purchase and bereft of their birth family. Nobody deserves a child just because they want one. If you wouldn't want it to happen to you, don't do it to other people.
That said, I commend you for asking this question and considering the issue from all perspectives. Mine is a stronger perspective than most.
posted by randomquestion at 2:55 PM on December 27, 2023
That said, I commend you for asking this question and considering the issue from all perspectives. Mine is a stronger perspective than most.
posted by randomquestion at 2:55 PM on December 27, 2023
I am not an adoptive parent myself. However, I'm very closely related to 4 adopted people, and also know someone who adopted two older children via fostering, and I was friends with another adoptee (who died a couple of years ago of cancer). I also know the story of another person who is still a minor.
Based on talking to the adults among these adopted people, I will second ImproviseOrDie's points they made above. Points 1 and 2 cannot be emphasized enough. flabdablet also has very good advice.
I'm going to tell you about how some of these people came to be adopted, because each person's adoption story is different (these are all people adopted in the US). Adoption is never easy, don't get me wrong, but I feel there are times when adoption may be the best option in certain situations. It depends on the circumstances. I also don't think it is fair to say that adoption is never ethical.
I think telling you a bit about how the various people I know came to be adopted might possibly be helpful to you. (Though I'm keeping some details vague since these are not my stories.)
Person 1 was adopted at birth. It was a closed adoption, but person 1 later found their birth families so got needed medical info. and also the circumstances. Birth mother did not want him as the pregnancy was very much unplanned. Did not have an abortion for religious reasons. She did not name him, and when found, gave him the medical and other info. he asked for but did not want much of any further relationship. She basically said, she gave him life, and ensured he was adopted by a good family, and considered her job done. Person 1 has found birth father's family, but they are very different from him politically and various other ways, and they are not currently in contact. Person 1's adoptive parents never hid from him that he was adopted, and told him the info. they had on his birth parents. Adoptive mother was very supportive when he decided to go looking for birth family.
Person 2 was also the result of an unplanned pregnancy, born outside of the US to a US citizen in the military. Adopted at birth, and adoptive parents were always upfront about the facts of his adoption. He has no desire to pursue finding any birth family, though birth parents were very willing to help if he would want to.
Person 3 was born in a country in Asia. Mother was from the country, father was a US solder (white, no Asian heritage) who was presumably married because he supported the birth mother through the pregnancy, but marriage was off the table. Birth mother kept the baby for a year, but the baby was very obviously of mixed race and country in question has a lot of prejudice about that (racial "purity" hangups and also the US solder father was frowned on), and birth mother ultimately reluctantly decided that Person 3 would be better off being adopted into the US. Person 3 spent time with a foster mother, and then in an orphanage, before being adopted at the age of 4 by a white family. Adoptive parents were very mindful of Person 3's Asian heritage, did their best to learn about their birth country, tried to live in a place where they would not be the only person with Asian heritage, and encouraged them to keep that part of their identity present. Adoption agency indicated that if Person 3 wanted to pursue contact with birth mother they would help in every way possible, but Person 3 was not interested, and not interested in returning to birth country.
Person 4 was the result of an affair with a married man and adopted at birth. Adoptive parents lied and told him his parents were killed in a car accident. This is unfortunately a not uncommon lie, and one of the most wrong ways to handle adoption (sigh).
Person 5 was the result of an affair during wartime. Husband was away and wife had an affair and gave up Person 5 at birth. He eventually as an adult went looking for birth family and found them. He has half siblings and other relatives who told him they had always felt bad about what had happened and giving him up for adoption, worried about him, and were happy to know him and know that he was ok.
The foster children are siblings and were adopted together by the adoptive parents to keep them together. There were some pretty messy circumstances causing them to not be able to live with their birth mother, and many efforts by "the system" to try to keep them with their parent, but she was unable, even with support, ultimately, to raise them full time herself and assented to them being fostered and then later adopted by the foster parents.
The minor lost their mother and only sibling in a car accident, father is in prison long term, and grandfather is not in good health to raise them. Minor has been adopted by a couple who was friends with their mother, and already had a good relationship with minor.
Finally, I also know a birth mother who, for mental health reasons, gave her (unplanned) child up for adoption in an open adoption. She and adoptive parents were in regular contact, and she had regular contact with the child (though tragically she died young of cancer.)
posted by gudrun at 7:08 PM on December 27, 2023
Based on talking to the adults among these adopted people, I will second ImproviseOrDie's points they made above. Points 1 and 2 cannot be emphasized enough. flabdablet also has very good advice.
I'm going to tell you about how some of these people came to be adopted, because each person's adoption story is different (these are all people adopted in the US). Adoption is never easy, don't get me wrong, but I feel there are times when adoption may be the best option in certain situations. It depends on the circumstances. I also don't think it is fair to say that adoption is never ethical.
I think telling you a bit about how the various people I know came to be adopted might possibly be helpful to you. (Though I'm keeping some details vague since these are not my stories.)
Person 1 was adopted at birth. It was a closed adoption, but person 1 later found their birth families so got needed medical info. and also the circumstances. Birth mother did not want him as the pregnancy was very much unplanned. Did not have an abortion for religious reasons. She did not name him, and when found, gave him the medical and other info. he asked for but did not want much of any further relationship. She basically said, she gave him life, and ensured he was adopted by a good family, and considered her job done. Person 1 has found birth father's family, but they are very different from him politically and various other ways, and they are not currently in contact. Person 1's adoptive parents never hid from him that he was adopted, and told him the info. they had on his birth parents. Adoptive mother was very supportive when he decided to go looking for birth family.
Person 2 was also the result of an unplanned pregnancy, born outside of the US to a US citizen in the military. Adopted at birth, and adoptive parents were always upfront about the facts of his adoption. He has no desire to pursue finding any birth family, though birth parents were very willing to help if he would want to.
Person 3 was born in a country in Asia. Mother was from the country, father was a US solder (white, no Asian heritage) who was presumably married because he supported the birth mother through the pregnancy, but marriage was off the table. Birth mother kept the baby for a year, but the baby was very obviously of mixed race and country in question has a lot of prejudice about that (racial "purity" hangups and also the US solder father was frowned on), and birth mother ultimately reluctantly decided that Person 3 would be better off being adopted into the US. Person 3 spent time with a foster mother, and then in an orphanage, before being adopted at the age of 4 by a white family. Adoptive parents were very mindful of Person 3's Asian heritage, did their best to learn about their birth country, tried to live in a place where they would not be the only person with Asian heritage, and encouraged them to keep that part of their identity present. Adoption agency indicated that if Person 3 wanted to pursue contact with birth mother they would help in every way possible, but Person 3 was not interested, and not interested in returning to birth country.
Person 4 was the result of an affair with a married man and adopted at birth. Adoptive parents lied and told him his parents were killed in a car accident. This is unfortunately a not uncommon lie, and one of the most wrong ways to handle adoption (sigh).
Person 5 was the result of an affair during wartime. Husband was away and wife had an affair and gave up Person 5 at birth. He eventually as an adult went looking for birth family and found them. He has half siblings and other relatives who told him they had always felt bad about what had happened and giving him up for adoption, worried about him, and were happy to know him and know that he was ok.
The foster children are siblings and were adopted together by the adoptive parents to keep them together. There were some pretty messy circumstances causing them to not be able to live with their birth mother, and many efforts by "the system" to try to keep them with their parent, but she was unable, even with support, ultimately, to raise them full time herself and assented to them being fostered and then later adopted by the foster parents.
The minor lost their mother and only sibling in a car accident, father is in prison long term, and grandfather is not in good health to raise them. Minor has been adopted by a couple who was friends with their mother, and already had a good relationship with minor.
Finally, I also know a birth mother who, for mental health reasons, gave her (unplanned) child up for adoption in an open adoption. She and adoptive parents were in regular contact, and she had regular contact with the child (though tragically she died young of cancer.)
posted by gudrun at 7:08 PM on December 27, 2023
Two of my cousins were adopted by my uncle, who was their stepfather. I don't know any details about how their birth father was or was not involved, but remember both cousins being old enough to be active parts of the decision, and it appears to have been very welcome.
posted by sepviva at 6:52 AM on December 28, 2023
posted by sepviva at 6:52 AM on December 28, 2023
I've had a lot of conversations with parents, grown up children, and teenaged children from transracial adoption families. I also had a longterm dating relationship with someone from a family that had transracially adopted children, so I spent a fair bit of time with them and their transracial adoption family pals, so I had ample observation of several families. I also know a few families who used sperm of a different race than the parents to conceive (white parents, often queer, making brown or Black children).
In my personal observation of these multiple families in my social circle, transracial adoption is a very bad idea that is harmful to the children. Among their white friends, the transracial adoptive parents I know are of course lauded as near-saints (problematic), but from my vantage point, it's horrifying how fetishistic, wrongheaded, clueless and careless they were and how problematic their children's upbringing was. And anecdotally, a lot of those children had difficult teen years with a lot of trauma-related behaviours.
Based on these observations, I strongly don't recommend transracial adoption or transracial sperm buying. Race is complicated, even for racialized people. Transracial adoption is a mess.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:35 PM on December 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
In my personal observation of these multiple families in my social circle, transracial adoption is a very bad idea that is harmful to the children. Among their white friends, the transracial adoptive parents I know are of course lauded as near-saints (problematic), but from my vantage point, it's horrifying how fetishistic, wrongheaded, clueless and careless they were and how problematic their children's upbringing was. And anecdotally, a lot of those children had difficult teen years with a lot of trauma-related behaviours.
Based on these observations, I strongly don't recommend transracial adoption or transracial sperm buying. Race is complicated, even for racialized people. Transracial adoption is a mess.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:35 PM on December 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
I feel like I should add that the other adoptions I know people involved in all caused pain to people along the way. They were many years ago and so different, and not entirely disasters, but very far from pain-free.
posted by sepviva at 4:10 PM on December 28, 2023
posted by sepviva at 4:10 PM on December 28, 2023
The most ethical adoption I know of is a family who, in the 1980s, wanted to adopt but not through an agency. (They thought closed adoption was awful to birth parents as well as kids.)
So they let their community know they wanted to adopt and please pass their contact info along if anyone knew someone who wanted to give up a kid. They ended up having two women, at different times, come to them with an unplanned pregnancy. And were able to talk over and find to an agreement about level of contact that felt good to them all. (It included several visits a year, including things like coming to birthday parties and Little League games.) They really made themselves part of an extended family with as much of the birth family as was interested. (And for life, not just childhood.)
posted by blueberry monster at 8:41 PM on December 28, 2023
So they let their community know they wanted to adopt and please pass their contact info along if anyone knew someone who wanted to give up a kid. They ended up having two women, at different times, come to them with an unplanned pregnancy. And were able to talk over and find to an agreement about level of contact that felt good to them all. (It included several visits a year, including things like coming to birthday parties and Little League games.) They really made themselves part of an extended family with as much of the birth family as was interested. (And for life, not just childhood.)
posted by blueberry monster at 8:41 PM on December 28, 2023
A friend of mine adopted and she worked hard to be as ethical as possible. She insisted on an open adoption and was chosen by a young women who felt she wasn’t ready to be a parent but didn’t want to not be in the kids life.
The kid now has essentially two families that love and care for her. All her grandparents, all her aunts and uncles. Her birth parents also stayed together and she now has a sibling which the birth parents are raising.
However this has been harder than expected on my friend. She doesn’t feel like the mom she wanted to be, but a coparent. All events have to be scheduled with the kids birth family and visiting them takes up a lot of her time. She also feels extremely weird knowing that this couple is now fully able to care for the kid and probably would want to, also that at some point the kid will likely choose to spend more time with her birth family for cultural reasons.
I do think this has worked out well for the kid though, she got a stable and loving upbringing and when she’s older she’ll have more options for where she wants to live/spend holidays/get support from. But it’s not what my friend wanted or expected and I hope she can make peace with that.
posted by lepus at 8:27 AM on December 29, 2023
The kid now has essentially two families that love and care for her. All her grandparents, all her aunts and uncles. Her birth parents also stayed together and she now has a sibling which the birth parents are raising.
However this has been harder than expected on my friend. She doesn’t feel like the mom she wanted to be, but a coparent. All events have to be scheduled with the kids birth family and visiting them takes up a lot of her time. She also feels extremely weird knowing that this couple is now fully able to care for the kid and probably would want to, also that at some point the kid will likely choose to spend more time with her birth family for cultural reasons.
I do think this has worked out well for the kid though, she got a stable and loving upbringing and when she’s older she’ll have more options for where she wants to live/spend holidays/get support from. But it’s not what my friend wanted or expected and I hope she can make peace with that.
posted by lepus at 8:27 AM on December 29, 2023
Lepus touches on why doing the ethical thing relating to the child and their family of origin has lifelong implications.
I’m writing this comment from a vacation rental beach house in Delaware. The other bedrooms are full of my birth mother, a brother and sister I didn’t grow up with, and all of their spouses and children. I have known them all only since 2013, when I found them after 25 years of searching due to a closed adoption, and the lies my adoptive mother told me to try to throw me off the trail. But to my face, she pretended she was helping me search. We no longer have a relationship because of her deranged behavior. I have spent ten years building group and individual relationships with my birth family. I am godmother to the first grandchild of my birth mother. I suggested and organized this first ever family trip. My adoptive father supports my need to connect with my birth family, and has since the day I told him I found them. I am 54.
Acting ethically in adoption includes understanding that adopting is about a child needing a family. It’s not about parents needing a child. The latter can be ethical quicksand.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:57 AM on December 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I’m writing this comment from a vacation rental beach house in Delaware. The other bedrooms are full of my birth mother, a brother and sister I didn’t grow up with, and all of their spouses and children. I have known them all only since 2013, when I found them after 25 years of searching due to a closed adoption, and the lies my adoptive mother told me to try to throw me off the trail. But to my face, she pretended she was helping me search. We no longer have a relationship because of her deranged behavior. I have spent ten years building group and individual relationships with my birth family. I am godmother to the first grandchild of my birth mother. I suggested and organized this first ever family trip. My adoptive father supports my need to connect with my birth family, and has since the day I told him I found them. I am 54.
Acting ethically in adoption includes understanding that adopting is about a child needing a family. It’s not about parents needing a child. The latter can be ethical quicksand.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:57 AM on December 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
adopting is about a child needing a family. It’s not about parents needing a child. The latter can be ethical quicksand.
The former also absolutely needs to be the driver for all parenting, adoptive or foster or biological. Needing a child and therefore creating one is defensible, but it must stop being the bedrock of family decision making as soon as the child actually exists and the task at hand has become nurturing and raising them.
One of the advantages of non-biological parenting is that it makes this fact a little less difficult to get clarity on from the very start of the relationship. It's easier to fall into the trap of treating a child as an extension of oneself when that is literally and physically the case.
But is wrong for people to own each other or treat each other as if they do, regardless of circumstance, and treating children as if they were parental possessions is never defensible.
posted by flabdablet at 12:14 AM on December 31, 2023
The former also absolutely needs to be the driver for all parenting, adoptive or foster or biological. Needing a child and therefore creating one is defensible, but it must stop being the bedrock of family decision making as soon as the child actually exists and the task at hand has become nurturing and raising them.
One of the advantages of non-biological parenting is that it makes this fact a little less difficult to get clarity on from the very start of the relationship. It's easier to fall into the trap of treating a child as an extension of oneself when that is literally and physically the case.
But is wrong for people to own each other or treat each other as if they do, regardless of circumstance, and treating children as if they were parental possessions is never defensible.
posted by flabdablet at 12:14 AM on December 31, 2023
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1. Insist on an open records adoption. In my own parlance, this means that the child will one day be able to have access to all their own info, including original birth certificate, identifying family info, etc. If you're adopting out of foster care, chances are high this isn't an issue. But adoption through agencies has historically gone a different route.
2. Insist on an open adoption. The child should have the ability to have contact with their birth parent(s). And you should support that by enabling contact and/or visits and by knowing their whereabouts.
3. If you adopt internationally, know that it is almost entirely unregulated. Find international adoptees and talk to them about their experiences. It is not uncommon for US adoption agencies who place kids in the US from other countries to not have very much evidence of their orphan status. And to present to potential adopters "orphanages" that in actuality made an agreement with one or both of the parents to care for the child temporarily. My friends discovered this about their children adopted from Ethiopia after the fact. Now they cannot find the living birth parents of their adopted children because of a lack of record keeping.
4. Visit the Bastard Nation site to learn about adoption from an adult adoptee perspective--especially the perspective of adult US adoptees who are trying to retroactively get their original birth records. You'll find a ton of info about the various state laws--not only focusing on changing old laws, but also on making new ones that affect contemporary adoption practices. It's a definite lens on adoption--angry, thoughtful, and concerned about ethics as it pertains to the adoptee.
5. Remember that your child will be an adult for most of their life, not a child. Every decision you make about obtaining and parenting the child will have lasting implications throughout their life.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 8:25 AM on December 27, 2023 [16 favorites]