You're single and you have a dog. How do you make that work?

December 18, 2023 2:59 PM

You're single and you have a dog. How do you make that work? What is your life like?

I'd love to get a dog sometime in the next 2-3 years. But I don't know if that's feasible given my situation. I'd love to know what your lives are like owning a dog. This question is particularly aimed at single people with no immediate support network.

I'm single and do not envisage that changing. I have a cat who came from a house with dogs. She is a confident, almost cocky girl and I think she would do well with the company of a chilled out, smallish dog she could boss around. I work 2-3 days a week from home, the rest from the office. I have a pretty active social life, which I value, and that means I come home late a few times a week; and I also travel a few times a year. I get that these are pretty big barriers to getting a dog.

I don't live close to anyone I can rely upon for important things like pet care. I arrange a petsitter for my cat and would need to arrange for a dog-walker for my dog on the days I'm not home.

If you're single and don't really have a support network, plus you work full time, what is your life owning a dog like? What is your social life like? What happens when you travel?

Bonus question: If you would recommend a dog for my situation, what age and what kind of dog would you recommend? I'm leaning towards a puppy whom my cat could boss around plus who could be trained to treat her with respect.

posted by unicorn chaser to Pets & Animals (22 answers total)

Best answer: I can approach this from two sides: I'm a dog owner who is single and I've been a professional pet sitter and dog walker.

My overall advice for you is to not do this. Dogs are not like cats and require much more attention from their keeper. If you think your cat requires company, get another cat.

When I was a pet sitter, I'd travel and leave my dog for 5 or 6 months in the care of a friend who over the years (I did this 7 times) became rather attached to my dog (and vice versa). I happened to have a dog who was chill with this (splitting the year between us). Many dogs are not, and I'd say my dog, now, is not. So I don't do it anymore. You may think half a year is ridiculous, but in my experience, shorter periods are worse. Leaving a dog alone in the house every day, while you work and party, but for short walks with a dog walker is not kind, it's selfish.

When I'd be looking after other peoples' dogs while pet sitting (and I did many dozens over the years), it was easy to see how much the dog missed the routine and presence of their keeper. It doesn't matter how good the substitute keeper (in this case, me) is.

You can have your great social life and singlehood or you can have a dog. The two absolutely don't mix, at least not in any scenario in which the dog is happy.
posted by dobbs at 3:12 PM on December 18, 2023 [16 favorites]

During work days: hire walker

Staying out late: hire walker or train to use wee wee pads

Travel: hire stay-over petsitter, board, or take with you (this obviously only really works for smallish dogs--15 lbs. is the max for most airlines for in-cabin pets)

All doable (assuming your dog has a reasonably normal psyche), but financially it really adds up. Check local businesses to get some idea of what a walker would cost. While wee wee pads can be convenient in emergencies, you still have to clean up (my dog is semi-housebound and I had to get a Diaper Genie)--and you'll need to take extra care to make sure the dog doesn't convert themselves to a 100% wee wee pad user.

A puppy requires a lot of attention initially. I mean verging on toddler levels. I wouldn't adopt a puppy unless I was able to arrange to work from home for a couple of months.
posted by praemunire at 3:12 PM on December 18, 2023 [3 favorites]

(Would a dog of the most common breeds be happy to have you around all the time? Sure. Is a life where the dog sleeps most of the day--which is something they're going to do naturally anyway whether you're around or not--and gets most of its attention from you in the evenings and on weekends worse than homelessness or a short life in a kennel ended by euthanization? No.)
posted by praemunire at 3:16 PM on December 18, 2023 [7 favorites]

Best answer: Yeah I wouldn't get a puppy.

I had to move, alone, to a new place with my small four-year-old terrier. That was really fine, although I depended a lot on a dog walking service that came to my building every day to walk a few dogs. And it definitely affected my schedule; I would go home midday to see her and so on.

If you go to a reputable rescue, they can probably suggest some dogs that seem like they would be a good fit for your circumstances, but whether they get along with your cat will always be a matter of luck to some extent.
posted by BibiRose at 3:23 PM on December 18, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I don't currently own a dog, but I fostered one for about 9 months as a single person living alone and let me tell you: It was not easy. I loved him immensely and he brought a lot of joy to my life, but when I tell you my entire life changed, I am not kidding.

To be fair, he was a young dog (~1-2 yrs old), a stray, and a pitbull. Which means he had a TON of mental and physical energy that needed an outlet, AND he needed a lot of training (the latter of which I really failed at, much as I tried). He also had separation anxiety and it took him a lot of time, patience, and training to acclimate him to a crate, which was 100% necessary when I had to leave the house or he would tear up literally anything he could get his teeth around. This meant I had to be home a lot and could only leave for a few hours at a time.

I was lucky enough to be able to work from home during this time, but on days I had to be at the office, I had to pay to take him to doggie daycare, which got quite expensive. I couldn't stay out too late with friends. I had to pay for a dogsitter or doggy daycare when I wanted to go out of town. And when I was home, he demanded a LOT of my time and attention. He would regularly get bored when I had a lot of zoom calls and would bark and try to play with me. At night when we could settle in, he would cuddle up with me on the couch and was so sweet and loving. He just needed a lot of attention that I couldn't adequately provide during the day. Luckily, he found a great forever home with another dog buddy, a human sibling, and a stay-at-home mom who had lots of time on her hands and a big ole yard to play in.

If you DO get a dog, I would HIGHLY recommend against a puppy. I would also recommend going through a reputable shelter or rescue group with fosters who have lived with the dog for a while and can speak to the their personality, temperament, energy levels, training, etc. Prioritize lifestyle fit over EVERYTHING else, even if that means a dog who's a little older or uglier than the cute little puppies who get snatched up by adopters more quickly.

Also, some advice my dog rescue friend gave me when I called her crying because I was at my wits end (which she said is called the 3x3x3 rul)e: It takes 3 days for a rescue dog to feel safe, 3 weeks to acclimate to you and their new home and start to feel comfortable (which is also when they start acting out!), and 3 months before they are fully settled in. So prepare for an adjustment period and don't expect everything to be perfect right away!
posted by a.steele at 3:34 PM on December 18, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I am single, have two dogs, work from home. I personally walk them three times a day, my daughter lives here but she refuses unless I am throwing up and have a migraine. (Walking your dog when you are sick is a big pain). I spend thousands of dollars a year boarding them when I am out of town. I don’t really have a social life, but I didn’t before either.

I don’t think I’d suggest a dog for you. Small dogs are usually companion animals. Many of them will be anxious without human companionship. Anxious = barking or destructive. The most chilled out small dogs I have met are seniors. Seniors have small bladders and at a certain point cannot be boarded. It is super stressful when your dog is sick and you have travel plans.

Maybe get another cat?
posted by shock muppet at 3:36 PM on December 18, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm single, and added a puppy to my 2 cats. I rely heavily on doggie daycare. And I'm not gonna lie, I didn't go anywhere without my dog, or without her in daycare, for a good year. Her daycare also does boarding, so if i planned on being out for the evening that was past daycare's last pickup time (usually around 7pm) and it was somewhere I couldn't take her, I boarded her for the night. It gets expensive, fast. She also stays with her daycare/boarding when I travel. My pup was a late-covid puppy though, and I work from home, but once the world opened up we definitely had some seperation anxiety to work through (and continue to work through). Even today her limit alone is about 4 hours, but I've since found a friend who loves taking her for the day, so that's been helpful as well.

The puppy months were hard. I'm not sure I'd do that again. I wanted a puppy because I wanted to know exactly what I was getting - something small the cats could boss around, with breed characteristics known to not having much of a prey drive and being good with cats, and that as a novice dog owner I would have better luck training. Pup and one of the cats are now bffs. The other cat however is very much not a fan. The cat's safety and wellbeing was always my first consideration when bringing the pup into the mix, but if i do it again and could be sure of their safety, I'd definitely consider getting a young rescue (1-2 years old) this time around. Puppies are so hard. People told me that, but I didn't believe it until I lived it.
posted by cgg at 3:48 PM on December 18, 2023 [1 favorite]

The question goes beyond "who will walk my dog when I'm at work, out late, on vacation?" and really must asked as, "who will provide my dog with the companionship and stimulation that an animal that would traditionally live in a social pack requires?"

A dog needs more than a walk to be happy. They need play, mental challenges, and social interaction. You might get that by dropping your pup off at doggy day car during your "in-office" days, so the dog can socialize and play with other dogs. You'll also want to figure in time at dog parks where you dog can just run around with other dogs.

I would stay away from working breeds who really need a "job" and a lot of stimulation and/or exercise. Sort of counterintuitively larger dogs can be way more chill than small dogs.

If you are going to be away a lot you might even consider getting two dogs.
posted by brookeb at 3:59 PM on December 18, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I've done it, but it was hard, and I will admit as a dirtbag 20-something at the time, my dog sometimes got the short shrift when it came to prioritizing my social life. Not often, but sometimes. That was 20+ years ago so that dog is long gone and I still think she had a good life, but I have some regrets.

The working in the office part is very doable with a midday dog walker, or even sometimes without, depending on the dog and how many hours away that is. But the "coming home late a few times a week" is tough to manage as a single person with a dog. Especially if those are days you're already at the office so you're extending the time you're gone. An extra hour for a happy hour is fine now and then, but dinner and drinks and rolling home at 9 pm or later would not be great. Sure, you can hire someone to walk and feed your dog dinner but that dog is gonna be really lonely, and probably act out. (But you could go out at night on days that you've spent the day at home, either working or on the weekend; it's not like you can't have any social life!)

I understand the impulse for a puppy - to me that reads as you being really protective of your cat's safety, which is a super good thing. But unless you can arrange to work from home fully for several months while you are raising that puppy, it would be really difficult.

And given that you are rightfully wanting to ensure your cat's safety, I would suggest two things:

1. Make sure you adopt from a reputable rescue (Or breeder! Some adopt out older show dogs that didn't pan out or whatever) that truly cat-tests their dogs or knows that the dog has lived with cats previously, not just sticking a cat in front of a dog for 2 minutes in a hectic shelter environment and deeming it "cat safe" if the dog doesn't lunge at it.

2. Crate the dog whenever you are not home until you are really, really sure that the dog is okay with your cat in your home, even if you do #1. Of course crating, while helpful and in some cases necessary, makes coming home late on a day you've also been at the office even less ideal for the pup.

One final thought is that some dogs (not all) are very routine-oriented. Mine are. So sometimes our estimations of how many hours they can go without a potty break might be correct, but if we've time-shifted their routine so much that they miss their 5pm walk there could still be an accident. Even though we were only gone 5 hours which they regularly handle with ease when it's part of their normal schedule. For very routine-oriented dogs, schedule variations are harder to handle than for others.

I do have a single, very social friend who adopted a 6 month old mixed breed dog. The puppy's breed mix wasn't known but a DNA test has shown she's poodle, retriever, and some other working dog breeds, so she's SMART smart and very high energy. (One of the risks of adopting a rescue - they often guess breed mixes by looks alone and don't always really have a sense for a dog's innate drive.)

My friend relies on doggy daycare and boarding a lot and it is really expensive. And I think that her reliance on daycare hampered their bonding and figuring out their home routine - she would drop the dog off any time she had anything going on, including a busy work (from home) day or just a day of laundry and errands, so at first the dog didn't learn much about how to just exist at home when they both were there but the dog wasn't the focus of attention. They're figuring it out now but it's been a long adjustment for both of them.
posted by misskaz at 4:22 PM on December 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I am single and live with my two older children. I have a dog. It's very hard on days that I go to work and then go out. My kids don't really hang out with my dog, and though they'll let him out, he doesn't get the attention he needs if I'm out all day and then go out after work. In fact, during the pandemic, getting used to working at home has meant that I try hard to organize it so that days I go out are days I work from home.

If you walk your pup every single morning, and then hire a dog walker for every single day -- even when you're working at home, for consistency -- then this is maybe doable.

Also, smaller dogs are often the opposite of chill. Bigger dogs tend to need less exercise than little dogs and can be more prone to lying around. So you might want to let go of the idea of a chill small dog. I'm not saying they don't exist. I don't know how you make sure you get one like that. My terrier has only been chill now in his mid-teens.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:39 PM on December 18, 2023 [1 favorite]

If you are going to be away a lot you might even consider getting two dogs.

This is without a doubt the worst pet-related advice I have ever heard in my life. Please, do not do this.
posted by dobbs at 4:42 PM on December 18, 2023 [14 favorites]

Your lifestyle is incompatible with a dog, I’m sorry to say. Working out of the house? Not a problem. An active social life “a few times a week”? Not a problem. Combine those two things and you have the recipe for a very unhappy dog.
posted by rhymedirective at 4:48 PM on December 18, 2023 [4 favorites]

Best answer: My advice to anyone thinking of getting a dog is this: if you are already contemplating who will look after the dog other than you (a friend or a paid service), then don't get a dog.

It's that simple.

A dog is like a child that never makes it past 8 months old. It will require absolute dedication for the next 10-14 years. Imagine everything you are saying here but with the word 'dog' replaced with 'child'. It starts to feel very different.

If you are ready for that, then go for it. Good for you. Dogs are amazing, and give structure to your life. I love getting up in the morning and walking mine. Every day. Rain or shine. Whatever crap is happening in my life. It feels great to devote yourself to something outside the human noise.

And don't even get me started on giving you breed advice. There is no easier dog breed. No easier age. They all require absolute dedication. The dog is not going to fit into your life. It will be very much the other way round.

What it sounds like you need is another cat.

Don't get a dog unless you are ready for everything to be changed. Puppies especially require 24 hour attention for at least the first 6 months to a year. Older dogs will have behaviours that need to be worked with, maybe forever. There are no short cuts.
posted by 0bvious at 5:33 PM on December 18, 2023 [15 favorites]

Best answer: I adopted a pup as a single person with no real support structure. I loved her to pieces but she was too much to handle and in the first year she spent a lot of time at doggy daycare so she could play with friends. After the first year she calmed down to the point that she wasn’t running me ragged and as she had started to dislike doggy daycare I kept her home with (stay-at-home) me.

Things went okay but I was constantly aware that she was a pack animal and a pack of two wasn’t doing it for her. If I were to adopt another dog I would at the very least want to be friends with people who had dogs so there could be a steady group of people and animals she could be a part of.

I know of single people who have adopted dogs and had it work out seemingly well, but that was not the case for me.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:17 PM on December 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

I can't do any better than what 0bvious said. The only way it works is when you're happy to have the dog be the organizing principle of your life.
posted by HotToddy at 7:43 PM on December 18, 2023 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: I appreciate everyone's knowledge and input! Thanks, all!
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:59 AM on December 19, 2023

Best answer: Just as an extra datapoint, this is what, in my experience, you need to be single with a dog - and I have done it for years.

A housetrained dog who is loose in the house (no crate, or, at least no closed crate)
A securely fenced yard
A dog door to that yard
No or very little travel without dog
A reliable dog walker to give you a break once in a while
And, ideally, another dog. Two dogs are better than one. Three dogs though. . don’t do that.

posted by mygothlaundry at 9:08 PM on December 19, 2023

I agree with those above who say it’s probably not the right fit for you to have a dog right now. I just wanted to add two more things:

Some dogs who do ok at day care demonstrably do not like it. They just stand around, or they seek out the staff rather than other dogs.

There’s a pretty terrible canine respiratory virus in many states in the US. Many vets are recommending to their clients no co-mingling of dogs from different homes at daycare, dog parks, or boarding facilities. The virus causes severe pneumonia and sometimes rapid death. My brother lives in an area of Colorado where they’ve temporarily closed the daycares and dog parks. It’s not a great time in these states to navigate first-time care options out of the home.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:15 AM on December 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I adopted an adult rescue dog as a single person who works 12 hours per day away from home. It was okay. It helped that I only worked maybe 15 days per month so it gave more time for us to bond. And I made an effort to stick to a predictable routine and walk him both in the morning before I go to work and in the evening after work and mid day with nearby family or pet walking services to. Much of it depends on the dog's temperament. I was lucky that my dog was super laid back, doesn't have obvious separation anxiety and he seems a happy and well adjusted creature. So I would say it's possible if you are able to ascertain before the adoption the dog's personality and can commit to time and attention to it.
posted by Pantalaimon at 9:50 AM on December 20, 2023

Response by poster: Again, thanks - and just to clarify, I am definitely not getting a dog right now. If I did get one, it would be as I mentioned in the OP 2-3 years from now. :)
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:56 PM on December 20, 2023

Best answer: I did this, 16 years ago. Worse, I adopted two. Even worse, puppies (littermates, which most rescues won’t do anymore, these babies were like five weeks old, which is also now unheard of - their mom got killed and they were found in a ditch). Somehow, with zero dog experience, living in a one bedroom apartment with no yard (first floor walk up, though), it was an amazing experience, and they were the greatest, happiest dogs. Here’s what I did:

If you walk your pup every single morning, and then hire a dog walker for every single day -- even when you're working at home, for consistency -- then this is maybe doable.

In my case this meant:
—Every morning, I either walked them (for, like, a full hour) or took them to the dog park that was two blocks away
—Every midday, a dog walker came to take them out (in this case, it was a magical dogwalker than actually picked up a gaggle of dogs and brought them to the owner’s house, who had outfitted her backyard into a dog park/play group
—Every evening, I took them to the dog park for at least an hour (where they - and I - made lifelong friends; one of the women I met there came over this morning so our next-gen dogs could play)
—They were very well crate-trained (by me)

The above was mostly important in the first few years - the crates weren’t necessary past a year or so, the dog park became moot after three years (it was makeshift, they shut it down), but the midday playgroup was the unicorn until they were 10.

I worked five days a week in the office (it was 2007). I left them to go running, to go out at night, etc. etc. but I think being single was actually why I could do it - no kids, no partner, I was really home and with them when I was with them.

This is all just to say that it’s doable, but it’s a huge, huge commitment to do it right. My dogs were magical and they saved my life, but it was a time that I needed them - the commitment, the partnership - as much as they needed me.

Pax was one of them. He died after a beautiful life in December of 2021, followed by his sister in March of this year, ages approximately 14.5 and 15.5
posted by Pax at 5:05 PM on December 20, 2023

Best answer: I nth the idea of having a fenced yard and a dog door. I'd also recommend a senior dog adoption if you decide to do this - usually house trained, less energy, often cool with waiting for you to get home from work. If you go out in the evening, go home and see/walk the dog and then go out. But, nthing that this is a commitment, if you don't think you can commit then don't do it
posted by TimHare at 9:03 PM on December 20, 2023