Looking 4 books/movies that challenge the idea that the world is unsafe

November 26, 2023 5:38 PM

I'm a single female and want to feel safe in the world doing the things I love (car camping, hiking, etc.). I might not get married, and I want to fully live the life I want to, even if I don't have a partner. I'm looking for media that can reinforce the belief that life is mostly good, people are mostly good, and that we shouldn't limit our lives out of fear. Any suggestions?
posted by ygmiaa to Media & Arts (16 answers total)

Cheryl Strayed's Wild maybe?
posted by Rhedyn at 5:46 PM on November 26, 2023

The Straight Story is the first one that popped into my head.
posted by Johnny Assay at 6:06 PM on November 26, 2023

Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia, Revised and Expanded: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings by Rob Brezsny
posted by belladonna at 7:08 PM on November 26, 2023

It may not be quite what you want, but perhaps have a look at Schneier's "Beyond Fear: Thinking Sensibly About Security in an Uncertain World".
posted by sindark at 7:27 PM on November 26, 2023

You might also benefit from media examinations and debunking of “stranger danger” which really got drilled into many of us from a young age and, at least for me, contributed to the beliefs you’re talking about. I know the podcast You’re Wrong About has an episode on it.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:52 PM on November 26, 2023

Jump Tomorrow is a buried gem about life working out. Very sweet and funny, but not stupid.
posted by dngrangl at 1:30 AM on November 27, 2023

Circling back--some comments in this AskMe thread from years ago helped shift my own perspective, particularly this one, this one, and this one.
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:59 AM on November 27, 2023

You want Drew Binksy's YouTube channel, specifically his travel videos.
posted by dobbs at 5:38 AM on November 27, 2023

Youtube channels Yes Theory (guys, but they travel the world interacting with strangers) and Itchy Boots (single young woman riding a motorcycle through Asia/Africa/Iran/etc alone) have the theme you want, but sorry not books or movies.
posted by bluesky78987 at 7:02 AM on November 27, 2023

Specific to camping and hiking, How to Suffer Outside by Diana Helmuth is a delightful introduction to being a female-identifying human in the outdoors.
posted by spamloaf at 7:48 AM on November 27, 2023

It's a children's book. But Most People.
posted by kitcat at 8:23 AM on November 27, 2023

It's an older book, but I love Anne Labastille's Woodswoman, in which she builds her own house in the middle of nowhere and lives alone and nothing particularly bad happens to her.

If "bad things happened to me outside but I survived and went back and you can too" is appealing to you, check out Blair Braverman, especially her essay, On Being a Woman Alone in the Woods .

Here's her full Outside Magazine Archives, as well. I haven't read her book, but I've heard Welcome to the Goddam Ice Cube is amazing.
posted by hydropsyche at 9:03 AM on November 27, 2023

> the belief that life is mostly good, people are mostly good, and that we shouldn't limit our lives out of fear.

I'm going to recommend a certain Youtube video of an impromptu speech by one of my favorite activists. But I want to preface it and contextualize it first:

I personally believe that the last clause has nothing to do with the first two conditions. This may not be true for you, and that's perfectly okay, but I've always felt very strongly (and perhaps foolishly) that I will not limit my life out of gendered fear - even if life isn't good for women and people can't be trusted to treat women well.

I used to live in a part of the world where women are genuinely not safe being out in the world alone because predatory male behavior is the norm. Life is not good for women. People in general are violent and discriminatory and misogynistic towards women. The patriarchy says: women can give up most of our liberty and autonomy and lock ourselves away in exchange for not having to deal with the horde of predators outside the door. Millions of women in my home country have said "yes" to that terrible, wholly unfair bargain and live out extremely limited, highly circumscribed, perpetually chaperoned lives. For most, it's barely even a choice.

But due to some volatile combination of privilege and personality, I've always felt compelled to say "fuck you, no". I had only two unjust choices: I could stay safe-ish inside and be a good, dutiful, invisible, soul-dead woman OR I could live a full life on my own terms and endure much more male violence, perhaps even ... fail... to endure it.

Your proposed option - convincing myself that the world was safe and people were good - has never occurred to me (probably because it was so unrealistic back in my home country, and my brain was trained on those realities). I could learn from you, because these days I don't live in a dangerous place so I don't need to feel quite so defiant when I want to take a risk. Your third option is teaching me useful things.

And it seems like my chosen option - choosing to live a full life in spite of very real fears - has not occurred to you. So I want to encourage you to consider my third option, just like I'm considering yours. Can you accept that there are legitimate things to fear, and yet choose to take that risk because that's how much you value your chance at living fully and freely??

I can tell you that it has been so so so worth it for me. From a very young age I've been saying, fuck it, I'll risk getting raped and murdered and whatever else, but I won't stop doing XYZ (where XYZ might be wearing immodest clothing or taking a walk alone after midnight or secretly dating boys, etc.). I drove my parents crazy with frustration and worry, I embarrassed my ex-inlaws frequently and publicly, I've endured retaliatory male violence and punishment from family & community for breaking their "safety" rules, and worst of all I have risked leaving my children motherless ... all because I won't tolerate gendered restrictions in the name of safety. It was worth it. I would not have this amazing life otherwise!

I shouldn't have had to pay this price, that is an injustice too. But I am so grateful I was able to choose THIS injustice over the the other kind, the life-limiting soul-killing kind.

Might this angle/reframe help you? What is your tolerance level for gendered limitations placed on your life? Finding some feminist rage can take you a long way.

Okay, so here's the speech by a feminist activist in India which I think might help you tap into the feminist rage. (Trigger warning for sexual and physical violence described.)
posted by MiraK at 9:59 AM on November 27, 2023

Oops I meant to link the english translated transcript of the speech: here. Content warning for discussion of a violent rape.

"Another statement that [the police commissioner] made at a press conference was that women shouldn’t roam around alone, they should have escorts — and that if you walk around the streets at two in the morning then how can you expect us to come and save you?

This most recent incident is of course the most obvious contradiction — it did not occur late at night, the girl was, in fact, with a male friend — but that is not my argument. I believe even if women walk out on the streets alone, even if it is late at night, why should justifications need to be provided for this, like ‘she has to work late hours’ or ‘she was coming home from a BPO job or a media job’? If she simply wants to go out at night, if she wants to go out and buy a cigarette or go for a walk on the road — is this a crime for women? We do not want to hear this defensive argument that women only leave their homes for work, poor things, what can they do, they are compelled to go out. We believe that regardless of whether she is indoors or outside, whether it is day or night, for whatever reason, however, she may be dressed — women have a right to freedom. And that freedom without fear is what we need to protect, to guard and respect.

... I feel that the word ‘safety’ with regard to women has been used far too much — all us women know what this ‘safety’ refers to, we have heard our parents use it, we have heard our communities, our principals, our wardens use it. Women know what ‘safety’ refers to. It means – You behave yourself. You get back into the house. You don’t dress in a particular way. Do not live by your freedom, and this means that you are safe. A whole range of patriarchal laws and institutions tell us what to do in the guise of keeping us ‘safe’. We reject this entire notion. We don’t want it.

...[T]he Delhi Police is running an ad campaign about violence against women — you must have seen the large hoardings everywhere — why is there not a single woman in these ads? They have instead a Hindi film actor, Farhan Akhtar, exhorting us ‘Be a Man, join me in protecting women’. I want to ask — what about the brother who cuts his sister’s head off when she dares to marry into a different community? Is he not playing the role of a male protector too? This machismo is not any solution to the problem of violence against women — it is the root of the problem itself. This is what we need to reflect on.

It’s clear that in this country ... when they speak of women’s ‘safety’ they are speaking from within a specific patriarchal understanding of the term. No one is talking about protecting her ‘bekhauf azaadi’, or her freedom to live without fear."

posted by MiraK at 10:06 AM on November 27, 2023

While I don't have any recommendations off the top of my head, there are lots of solo female travelers on social media like Eva zu Beck and others! I do all the things you mention solo as a woman and I feel mostly super safe. It's best to start slowly but surely and stick to areas that have people around and then you can expand as you build your experience and confidence. However, I will say that I grew up at a time and near a place that was very dangerous and have an anxiety disorder so I have actually felt safer and safer as I've gotten older.

Also, not to be morbid but often the most dangerous person for a woman is an intimate partner. I think of Gabi Petito's tragic death: I was a solo car camper and hiker in some of the same areas she was about a year before and felt safer and freer during the months of my journey. Her experience was the opposite, there was an illusion of safety as part of a hetero couple but violence underneath. I know there are many other women with similar fates who deserve more attention and support who do not get it but her story is certainly worthy of consideration. The reality is that there are very few stories about solo female campers and/or travelers being murdered; it's mostly just urban myths designed to scare women and uphold the patriarchy as well as, sadly, DV occuring inside or outside the home.

On a happier note, again, give it time and the confidence will surely grow! I used to feel bummed that I was doing it alone but now I actually prefer camping and hiking alone than with others.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:34 PM on November 27, 2023

Elayna from Sailing La Vagabonde is somewhat fearless and capable. While she has a partner, she does a lot solo. More than once her solo morning jogs through a place they only arrived at, for the first time, the day before have set off my anxiety, so it's probably what you're looking for. I'd say that "life is mostly good, people are mostly good, and that we shouldn't limit our lives out of fear" could be their motto, but they're also pretty good at stopping and talking about real risk and actual bad things that happened for balance rather than going on about over-hyped theoretical risk. She addresses her feelings and anxiety around doing things really solo, vs things like being on watch when her partner is asleep, vs her role in an emergency (at one pint her partner almost knocks himself out falling off the back of the boat). If you start at the beginning there are about 150 episodes before she gets pregnant, but that might not necessarily be a show stopper for you. There's probably another 300 videos after that, so it's not like they slow down much.

They also meet a variety of people and so you get the odd solo story, other small family stories, plus the nature of the broader community and the support it provides. One of the people that stands out, given your scope, is Josje Leyten, but I don't know how much of her own stories she's shared.
posted by krisjohn at 4:16 PM on November 28, 2023