Burnout Recovery - How would you spend this time?
November 16, 2023 5:03 AM Subscribe
I recently quit my job, and I’m taking a block of time to figure out… everything. How should I think about this? What would you do in the same situation?
I work in a heavily male-dominated industry and I am a femme person. I won’t get into all the gory details, but over my10+ years of work experience this has caused me no end of truly devastating problems. Despite that, I’ve been fairly successful, but discovering I was getting paid significantly less than the men at my job was the last straw.
I’m so incredibly burnt out. I have plenty of savings myself, and fortunately with my partner’s job and our collective savings, we will be okay financially pretty much indefinitely. I’d like to be working but I have a good amount of time to figure things out. My plan is to rest and recover for a while, and since freelancing is very common in my industry, focus on that in the new year. I have a large network and even a promising lead or two on future full-time opportunities. Nothing is guaranteed, but I have a lot of reasons to feel confident in my long-term success.
But I am really struggling. My confidence is truly shaken. My passion for my work has dried up. I don’t know what I want to do anymore, for the first time in my life. I’m still very much in the roller coaster phase of highs and lows in the aftermath and sometimes think I should change industries entirely (to what?), or I should start my own company, or I should do this or that. I am so tired of always having to put in 200% just to maintain a baseline, to never be permitted to truly excel. I’m exhausted.
I know I need time and space to actually process the burnout, but I’m having a very hard time turning my brain off and detaching. The situation with that job is also not fully resolved because of the potential (and imho fairly obvious) discrimination, and that is also a source of stress.
I’m good at taking time for myself — I’m playing mindless games that make me happy, watching my fun TV shows, playing a ton with my dog and getting outside. I’m also keeping up with my friends and I’ve met a few people lately I’m excited to get to know better. I have a therapist also, although I’ll be changing to my partner’s insurance and that may require me to find a new one, hopefully not.
My question is more about how to use this time to process and to figure out what I really want to do next. I’ve received some pretty appalling treatment from male peers and managers over the years, and I don’t know how to reconcile this with a desire to continue on in the field.
Have you ever been in this type of situation? How did you pass the time? What were the books you read or the things you thought about? How can I best redirect my thoughts to genuinely resting instead of agonizing over my experiences? Or should I agonize, to process them? Help me come up with a plan to get my groove back.
I work in a heavily male-dominated industry and I am a femme person. I won’t get into all the gory details, but over my10+ years of work experience this has caused me no end of truly devastating problems. Despite that, I’ve been fairly successful, but discovering I was getting paid significantly less than the men at my job was the last straw.
I’m so incredibly burnt out. I have plenty of savings myself, and fortunately with my partner’s job and our collective savings, we will be okay financially pretty much indefinitely. I’d like to be working but I have a good amount of time to figure things out. My plan is to rest and recover for a while, and since freelancing is very common in my industry, focus on that in the new year. I have a large network and even a promising lead or two on future full-time opportunities. Nothing is guaranteed, but I have a lot of reasons to feel confident in my long-term success.
But I am really struggling. My confidence is truly shaken. My passion for my work has dried up. I don’t know what I want to do anymore, for the first time in my life. I’m still very much in the roller coaster phase of highs and lows in the aftermath and sometimes think I should change industries entirely (to what?), or I should start my own company, or I should do this or that. I am so tired of always having to put in 200% just to maintain a baseline, to never be permitted to truly excel. I’m exhausted.
I know I need time and space to actually process the burnout, but I’m having a very hard time turning my brain off and detaching. The situation with that job is also not fully resolved because of the potential (and imho fairly obvious) discrimination, and that is also a source of stress.
I’m good at taking time for myself — I’m playing mindless games that make me happy, watching my fun TV shows, playing a ton with my dog and getting outside. I’m also keeping up with my friends and I’ve met a few people lately I’m excited to get to know better. I have a therapist also, although I’ll be changing to my partner’s insurance and that may require me to find a new one, hopefully not.
My question is more about how to use this time to process and to figure out what I really want to do next. I’ve received some pretty appalling treatment from male peers and managers over the years, and I don’t know how to reconcile this with a desire to continue on in the field.
Have you ever been in this type of situation? How did you pass the time? What were the books you read or the things you thought about? How can I best redirect my thoughts to genuinely resting instead of agonizing over my experiences? Or should I agonize, to process them? Help me come up with a plan to get my groove back.
https://katherine-may.co.uk/wintering
This book!
posted by limoncello at 5:21 AM on November 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
This book!
posted by limoncello at 5:21 AM on November 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
I have been there. Like, all of it. This could have been written by me ten years ago. I wasn't as secure as you, financially though, so I immediately started taking contract work.
Bad idea. I did not respect how deeply I'd hurt my brain with stress and the contract work felt the same as the other job had, even though it was totally different, and on my own time.
You will make a plan, and you will 100% find fulfilling and interesting work again. I absolutely did. But take it slowly, slower than you think you need to.
I cut out almost everything in my life and started adding it back slowly. I let myself sleep. Ate well and exercised, but not pressuring myself about what kind or how much. Went to therapy to process my feelings of failure. Tried to only do things that really felt good and avoid anything that felt like effort. Eventually less felt like effort so I did more.
It sounds like you're doing the right stuff. Just be really patient with yourself. You don't need to decide whether to stay in the field right now. Take a few months off. Try a little contract work. See where you are a year down the road.
posted by dazedandconfused at 5:25 AM on November 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Bad idea. I did not respect how deeply I'd hurt my brain with stress and the contract work felt the same as the other job had, even though it was totally different, and on my own time.
You will make a plan, and you will 100% find fulfilling and interesting work again. I absolutely did. But take it slowly, slower than you think you need to.
I cut out almost everything in my life and started adding it back slowly. I let myself sleep. Ate well and exercised, but not pressuring myself about what kind or how much. Went to therapy to process my feelings of failure. Tried to only do things that really felt good and avoid anything that felt like effort. Eventually less felt like effort so I did more.
It sounds like you're doing the right stuff. Just be really patient with yourself. You don't need to decide whether to stay in the field right now. Take a few months off. Try a little contract work. See where you are a year down the road.
posted by dazedandconfused at 5:25 AM on November 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Declare a Decision Window at some point in the new year, maybe like in February or March. No decisions until the window. Brain wants to make decisions? No, brain, it's not the window! How can there be decisions when it's not the window?? Time to work on that jigsaw puzzle while re-watching ER! Time to listen to a podcast about the medieval version of Cheetos while digging up that dead shrub on the side of the house.
Read Burnout. Maybe work through a workbook like The Resilience Workbook: Essential Skills to Recover from Stress, Trauma, and Adversity a couple days a week. If you want to plan something, plan making cookies. Plan out weekly periods of deep mental and sensory rest. Plan a weekend away either alone or with a similarly crispy friend so the two of you can mix up social time and solo activities so that neither gets too tedious.
After the new year when everyone goes back to work, you can start dipping a toe into contract work.
When the Decision Window comes, all you're obligated to do is organize your thoughts and the data you've collected so far regarding options. You can make a short-term decision about what you want to do with the rest of the year and then revisit in a later decision window. Or, if the Grand Plan is beginning to bloom at that point, work on that. Just not until then.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:56 AM on November 16, 2023 [7 favorites]
Read Burnout. Maybe work through a workbook like The Resilience Workbook: Essential Skills to Recover from Stress, Trauma, and Adversity a couple days a week. If you want to plan something, plan making cookies. Plan out weekly periods of deep mental and sensory rest. Plan a weekend away either alone or with a similarly crispy friend so the two of you can mix up social time and solo activities so that neither gets too tedious.
After the new year when everyone goes back to work, you can start dipping a toe into contract work.
When the Decision Window comes, all you're obligated to do is organize your thoughts and the data you've collected so far regarding options. You can make a short-term decision about what you want to do with the rest of the year and then revisit in a later decision window. Or, if the Grand Plan is beginning to bloom at that point, work on that. Just not until then.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:56 AM on November 16, 2023 [7 favorites]
I dealt with something like this last year (toxic job, not with male-dominated stuff but other stuff.) I took a month of medical leave, went back for two weeks, quit without notice, got a contract position for three months, then didn't work for 3.5 months. I really wish I hadn't done the contract job, though I had to so I didn't exhaust my non-retirement savings. Had that not been an issue, I would have taken at least six months off to rest, recharge, process, and make a plan. 10+ years of bullshit? Yeah, at least six months. You sound exhausted!!
I found this thread about mental health leave helpful, especially the part about deep brain rest/relative rest. The way I thought of it was that my brain needed to physically heal, so I needed to give it gentle stimulation but nothing too much.
What really helped in that time:
- long meandering walks with a borrowed dog
- daily outside time
- daily social time, which included time spent near people. I counted time spent reading at the library or a café.
- I find time with children restorative, so I spent time with nephews and friends' kids.
- plenty of sleep
- consistent exercise, preferably social exercise, but nothing too strenuous unless you already do it.
- puzzles, my god, so many puzzles
- playing an instrument I already knew how to play
- gentle hand crafts. Origami, any textile work that is somewhat automatic (I think embroidery has a low barrier to entry and is easy to pick up and put down, plus there's the pleasure of stabbing something; I learned from a Cozy Blue embroidery kit. I also made a lot of friendship bracelets, which delighted the children in my life.
- reading light fiction and listening to light podcasts
After doing that for a while, I felt ready to do slightly more productive things, like:
- cooking, organizing, and gardening, all of which felt productive enough for me to scratch my worker bee itch. I ended the time with a LOT of food in my freezer, which was really helpful when I went back to work. Sub in another domestic activity if those aren't refreshing to you; my thinking was that my focus had been work for so long, and home was the opposite of work, so concentrate on home. Also, these things are a lot more pleasant when they're not competing with work, rest, and having a life. I spent three hours once cleaning a fan and it was GREAT.
- volunteering but only in a physical capacity, nothing that required my brain. Reshelving books, sorting food, picking up trash.
- more weighty reading and podcasts
I think the pattern in these activities is being a little active and occupy my brain enough that it wouldn't think of work.
In the brief medical leave and the first six weeks after leaving contract work, I very specifically didn't look for a job or think of job things, to the point of using a rubber band on my wrist that I snapped when I did.
I was almost exaggerated in my rest; I had an image of a person sitting in an old fashioned wheelchair on a hillside, a blanket tucked around their lap, raising their face to the sun, and I strove for that. Friends brought me food. I wasn't playing it up, but I did repeatedly say to myself, no, you're healing, that's too demanding for right now.
You have to engage with the legal stuff, which sucks, but hopefully you have a lawyer who will blunt the impact of that. Journaling for a set period every day (after some rest!!) might help with that; writing things out can get them out of your brain, to some extent.
posted by punchtothehead at 6:25 AM on November 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
I found this thread about mental health leave helpful, especially the part about deep brain rest/relative rest. The way I thought of it was that my brain needed to physically heal, so I needed to give it gentle stimulation but nothing too much.
What really helped in that time:
- long meandering walks with a borrowed dog
- daily outside time
- daily social time, which included time spent near people. I counted time spent reading at the library or a café.
- I find time with children restorative, so I spent time with nephews and friends' kids.
- plenty of sleep
- consistent exercise, preferably social exercise, but nothing too strenuous unless you already do it.
- puzzles, my god, so many puzzles
- playing an instrument I already knew how to play
- gentle hand crafts. Origami, any textile work that is somewhat automatic (I think embroidery has a low barrier to entry and is easy to pick up and put down, plus there's the pleasure of stabbing something; I learned from a Cozy Blue embroidery kit. I also made a lot of friendship bracelets, which delighted the children in my life.
- reading light fiction and listening to light podcasts
After doing that for a while, I felt ready to do slightly more productive things, like:
- cooking, organizing, and gardening, all of which felt productive enough for me to scratch my worker bee itch. I ended the time with a LOT of food in my freezer, which was really helpful when I went back to work. Sub in another domestic activity if those aren't refreshing to you; my thinking was that my focus had been work for so long, and home was the opposite of work, so concentrate on home. Also, these things are a lot more pleasant when they're not competing with work, rest, and having a life. I spent three hours once cleaning a fan and it was GREAT.
- volunteering but only in a physical capacity, nothing that required my brain. Reshelving books, sorting food, picking up trash.
- more weighty reading and podcasts
I think the pattern in these activities is being a little active and occupy my brain enough that it wouldn't think of work.
In the brief medical leave and the first six weeks after leaving contract work, I very specifically didn't look for a job or think of job things, to the point of using a rubber band on my wrist that I snapped when I did.
I was almost exaggerated in my rest; I had an image of a person sitting in an old fashioned wheelchair on a hillside, a blanket tucked around their lap, raising their face to the sun, and I strove for that. Friends brought me food. I wasn't playing it up, but I did repeatedly say to myself, no, you're healing, that's too demanding for right now.
You have to engage with the legal stuff, which sucks, but hopefully you have a lawyer who will blunt the impact of that. Journaling for a set period every day (after some rest!!) might help with that; writing things out can get them out of your brain, to some extent.
posted by punchtothehead at 6:25 AM on November 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
Read Burnout.
I enthusiastically second this. It's a great book. I liked their breakdown of the different types of rest that we need.
The big thing right now is rest. I like what everyone else has said about just taking time off at this point. If you have the means to do so, just use the time to recharge. Do things you want to do and bring you some joy. In my case, I was so burned out I was basically couch bound for a good month, and I coped by picking one satisfying thing to do each day around the house. But you might find you have more energy to do the things that bring you joy while you rest up - and that's a good thing. This is also a good time to lay a foundation of things that make you feel good and that you can keep doing even after you re-enter the workforce.
I did not respect how deeply I'd hurt my brain with stress and the contract work felt the same as the other job had, even though it was totally different, and on my own time.
This. Someone here on Mefi described burnout as a workplace injury and it totally shifted my thinking on how I viewed my own burnout. So the goal is to get things stable and healing first.
Another tidbit - I've heard many say that burnout takes 3-5 years of active recovery. So just understand that if after a few months you decide you're going to move back into the workforce, you're still likely doing to be in recovery and there will be ups and downs. So make sure you have things in place that support your recovery (like therapy, recreation, a routine that makes you happy, etc.) whenever you start to make those moves.
But yeah, as others have said... there's no rush on this. Take the time do take care of yourself and don't try to make any decisions right now. Just be.
posted by eekernohan at 6:29 AM on November 16, 2023
I enthusiastically second this. It's a great book. I liked their breakdown of the different types of rest that we need.
The big thing right now is rest. I like what everyone else has said about just taking time off at this point. If you have the means to do so, just use the time to recharge. Do things you want to do and bring you some joy. In my case, I was so burned out I was basically couch bound for a good month, and I coped by picking one satisfying thing to do each day around the house. But you might find you have more energy to do the things that bring you joy while you rest up - and that's a good thing. This is also a good time to lay a foundation of things that make you feel good and that you can keep doing even after you re-enter the workforce.
I did not respect how deeply I'd hurt my brain with stress and the contract work felt the same as the other job had, even though it was totally different, and on my own time.
This. Someone here on Mefi described burnout as a workplace injury and it totally shifted my thinking on how I viewed my own burnout. So the goal is to get things stable and healing first.
Another tidbit - I've heard many say that burnout takes 3-5 years of active recovery. So just understand that if after a few months you decide you're going to move back into the workforce, you're still likely doing to be in recovery and there will be ups and downs. So make sure you have things in place that support your recovery (like therapy, recreation, a routine that makes you happy, etc.) whenever you start to make those moves.
But yeah, as others have said... there's no rush on this. Take the time do take care of yourself and don't try to make any decisions right now. Just be.
posted by eekernohan at 6:29 AM on November 16, 2023
I'm doing The Artist's Way to try to get more creative about what I do next, jobwise. It's a twelve week course-in-a-book that might give you a little bit of structure around just chilling out and doing healing things? The main bits are writing three pages of stream of consciousness type stuff every morning and taking yourself on "artist dates" to recharge your senses and get in touch with what you like again. I've been pleasantly surprised by the stuff that sometimes falls out during my morning journaling.
posted by momus_window at 8:35 AM on November 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by momus_window at 8:35 AM on November 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
If there's any time for a cliché female-energy supportive retreat, it's this time. Yoga's good, especially if you pick something with a middle age crunchy vibe rather than Instagram worthy pastels and perfect bodies, or any other noncompetitive exercise that tends to more women than men. The combination of the energy of people working on their own mental and physical balance, change of scenery, contact with nature, and good exercise (at least 3 sessions per day, no more than one of those restorative) resets my brain like nothing else. And it gives you a few days completely off - you don't have to clean, cook, organise stuff, just show up. New people, built in conversation topics, and practically a guarantee other people will also be veterans of stress and burnout.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 8:49 AM on November 16, 2023
posted by I claim sanctuary at 8:49 AM on November 16, 2023
Good advice above, take it seriously. It really cannot be overstated that it takes time, and a lot of it, for burnout to exit the body. It can't be fast tracked. When I left a job many years ago under much less stressful conditions, it took at least 3 months to begin to get the old patterns, expectations and judgments from my old work environment out of my head. I've evangelized to countless people since then the value of that unstructured time and waiting until you start to feel your passions, whatever they are, bubble up to the surface. Sleep, exercise (esp long walks), good food, connections with loved ones and creative outlets should be your priorities. Overall, be patient and forgiving to yourself.
posted by sapere aude at 9:38 AM on November 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by sapere aude at 9:38 AM on November 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Something that has really helped me in a permanent, sustained way to deal with the kinds of feelings and stress that I think lead to burnout:
Lay in bed and feel your feelings. Try to name them. Really 'listen' to feelings without intellectually processing them, as much as possible. Breathe out slowly while bearing down (imagine you're pushing with your chest down to your diaphragm - you'll know you're doing it right if it's a relieving feeling) and repeat the name of feeling to yourself once you figure out what it is. For me, I find those feelings are usually frustration, anger, hatred and disgust.
After/while doing this, you might get tired and want to nap. Absolutely, do that.
I hope this helps. It might be a real technique described somewhere, but I don't know what it's called.
posted by kitcat at 9:56 AM on November 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
Lay in bed and feel your feelings. Try to name them. Really 'listen' to feelings without intellectually processing them, as much as possible. Breathe out slowly while bearing down (imagine you're pushing with your chest down to your diaphragm - you'll know you're doing it right if it's a relieving feeling) and repeat the name of feeling to yourself once you figure out what it is. For me, I find those feelings are usually frustration, anger, hatred and disgust.
After/while doing this, you might get tired and want to nap. Absolutely, do that.
I hope this helps. It might be a real technique described somewhere, but I don't know what it's called.
posted by kitcat at 9:56 AM on November 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
I went through something very, very similar. Please accept my virtual hug and assurances that you are going to be ok and you are doing great!
1.) I also had the extremely fortunate circumstance that meant I did not need to work for a good while, so I told everyone I loved and trusted that I would not be taking a new job or even LOOKING for one, for a set period of time."I thought you weren't even going to think about it until [deadline]?" I found this to be really helpful to combat the feelings that I was doing something wrong by resting.
2.) Because I did not have a job, I gave myself a job of planning a trip to Spain. I planned that trip for hours a day like it was my profession. It was a detailed and distracting project which helped me combat feelings of guilt and shame for being a potato, but it also felt like self-care.
3.) I went to Spain for a month. I went by myself and reconnected with the world and with people. I realized that so much of my career (in a male-dominated industry) was people telling me that they didn't understand me, that I wasn't communicating my ideas clearly, etc. In Spain, I realized that my Spanish is terrible, but most people were still able to COMPLETELY understand me when I engaged with them because they wanted to understand me. They helped me make up the gaps and vice versa. It was an a-ha moment.
4.) I came back ready to think about what was really important to me. And what was really important to me was that I needed to work with people who respected me, and who wanted to HELP ME.
5.) I found a job where I felt like that might be possible.
6.) When I didn't/don't feel like people are helping me, I say HEY. I NEED HELP.
That was the thing that was making me miserable in my career. Now that I see it and how to advocate for myself, I've experienced a total sea change. I hope the same for you!
posted by pazazygeek at 11:41 AM on November 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
1.) I also had the extremely fortunate circumstance that meant I did not need to work for a good while, so I told everyone I loved and trusted that I would not be taking a new job or even LOOKING for one, for a set period of time."I thought you weren't even going to think about it until [deadline]?" I found this to be really helpful to combat the feelings that I was doing something wrong by resting.
2.) Because I did not have a job, I gave myself a job of planning a trip to Spain. I planned that trip for hours a day like it was my profession. It was a detailed and distracting project which helped me combat feelings of guilt and shame for being a potato, but it also felt like self-care.
3.) I went to Spain for a month. I went by myself and reconnected with the world and with people. I realized that so much of my career (in a male-dominated industry) was people telling me that they didn't understand me, that I wasn't communicating my ideas clearly, etc. In Spain, I realized that my Spanish is terrible, but most people were still able to COMPLETELY understand me when I engaged with them because they wanted to understand me. They helped me make up the gaps and vice versa. It was an a-ha moment.
4.) I came back ready to think about what was really important to me. And what was really important to me was that I needed to work with people who respected me, and who wanted to HELP ME.
5.) I found a job where I felt like that might be possible.
6.) When I didn't/don't feel like people are helping me, I say HEY. I NEED HELP.
That was the thing that was making me miserable in my career. Now that I see it and how to advocate for myself, I've experienced a total sea change. I hope the same for you!
posted by pazazygeek at 11:41 AM on November 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
In the past when I've burnt out (or come close to it) I've gotten up and went. Being out of my home environment, reminding myself that what I think of as normal is not an inevitable and fixed way of being was very renewing. And of course you can always fantasize about moving to a place while you're still ignorant of all its drawbacks.
Gaining perspective was the important part of it. When I was ready to re-enter the business world I did so with an understanding of what were minor annoyances and what were showstoppers, and with the very game-changing knowledge that I had walked away before and I could do so again.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:49 PM on November 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Gaining perspective was the important part of it. When I was ready to re-enter the business world I did so with an understanding of what were minor annoyances and what were showstoppers, and with the very game-changing knowledge that I had walked away before and I could do so again.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:49 PM on November 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
How can I best redirect my thoughts to genuinely resting instead of agonizing over my experiences?
You've got a therapist and good recommendations for resources for a lot of what you're asking, so that's great. Lyn Never's advice about the Decision Window is a good redirect. So is just naming what your mind is doing and saying "not now." "That's dwelling on the past. It's not time for that now/it's time for (x) now" "That's worrying about what's next. It's not time for that now." And even a short walk can be a helpful distraction if your brain is being really sticky on a thought pattern.
Take absolutely all the time you can to rest. You're in a critical recovery period. Just keep gently reminding yourself that rest is your priority. Your brain will learn, but it does need time and patience.
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:01 PM on November 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
You've got a therapist and good recommendations for resources for a lot of what you're asking, so that's great. Lyn Never's advice about the Decision Window is a good redirect. So is just naming what your mind is doing and saying "not now." "That's dwelling on the past. It's not time for that now/it's time for (x) now" "That's worrying about what's next. It's not time for that now." And even a short walk can be a helpful distraction if your brain is being really sticky on a thought pattern.
Take absolutely all the time you can to rest. You're in a critical recovery period. Just keep gently reminding yourself that rest is your priority. Your brain will learn, but it does need time and patience.
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:01 PM on November 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Per eekernohan I've heard many say that burnout takes 3-5 years of active recovery, has seemed to be true for me.
I was deep in burn out in the summer of 2021. I still feel I am recovering, and have been taking my time in speeding back up -- working part-time; doing a lot of activities that prioritize my own interests.
I thought I was doing quite well, then had a super spiral with an interaction with my boss a month or so ago. It was 95% in my head (there was something to address, but it was a 5 minute conversation to fix it, not a job-changing sort of action, which was how I was interpreting it). In the conversation I had with my boss, he reassured me that he wants me to be happy in my work. I've had my grand-boss say the same thing to me. Eventually, I hope, it will sink in. But, man, with the way I was treated in the last few years at my last company, I feel like I am battling my psyche in getting that to stick as a belief.
So, yeah, I can tell you that it will take some time. Work to get your support systems around you; find the things you really enjoy and restore you, prioritizing them where possible; and don't be surprised if you have a day--or days--when you feel like you aren't gaining ground. Finally, when you get back to hunting for work, find GOOD PEOPLE to work with. They are out there and they want you to be happy.
posted by chiefthe at 4:36 PM on November 17, 2023
I was deep in burn out in the summer of 2021. I still feel I am recovering, and have been taking my time in speeding back up -- working part-time; doing a lot of activities that prioritize my own interests.
I thought I was doing quite well, then had a super spiral with an interaction with my boss a month or so ago. It was 95% in my head (there was something to address, but it was a 5 minute conversation to fix it, not a job-changing sort of action, which was how I was interpreting it). In the conversation I had with my boss, he reassured me that he wants me to be happy in my work. I've had my grand-boss say the same thing to me. Eventually, I hope, it will sink in. But, man, with the way I was treated in the last few years at my last company, I feel like I am battling my psyche in getting that to stick as a belief.
So, yeah, I can tell you that it will take some time. Work to get your support systems around you; find the things you really enjoy and restore you, prioritizing them where possible; and don't be surprised if you have a day--or days--when you feel like you aren't gaining ground. Finally, when you get back to hunting for work, find GOOD PEOPLE to work with. They are out there and they want you to be happy.
posted by chiefthe at 4:36 PM on November 17, 2023
Time.
You need something to fill your day and occupy your brain while time passes. I've cultivated hobbies (not hard for me - I work to fund hobbies), did a lot of gardening, house projects, whatever.
And wow have I gotten slow! I do very little these days - like I get a small thing done and I do a lot of fucking around. I'm doing a specific plan for job searching but don't think about it outside of that. I have travel plans, and those and the gardening seasons structure my long-term goals and plans and that. is. it.
I've learned so much about myself! But they aren't things you could set out to learn - they came out of being profoundly lazy, slow, and undirected. You need months to get there - years if you could would probably be good, but set a very intentional extremely long window where you're not searching, you're not networking, you're not keeping up on your professional contacts or editing your resume, etc.
My goal is a "year sabbatical", and I've been vocal and excited about it to professional colleagues who think I'm joking or will get bored or whatever. But seriously, what the hell are you working for? Do you know? This is the time to do some of what you've earned that savings for.
Check out in the 60s sense. Read, couch, let sweats become your wardrobe, make elaborate lunches, eat cheesecake for breakfast, take a walk in the rain, plant flowers, etc.
The advice above too (I've read burnout several times now), but for the 'how do I fill my days?' part if your question I wanted to add suggestions that I'm doing right now because they don't seem like "enough" to fill a day but they are!
posted by esoteric things at 11:13 AM on November 22, 2023
You need something to fill your day and occupy your brain while time passes. I've cultivated hobbies (not hard for me - I work to fund hobbies), did a lot of gardening, house projects, whatever.
And wow have I gotten slow! I do very little these days - like I get a small thing done and I do a lot of fucking around. I'm doing a specific plan for job searching but don't think about it outside of that. I have travel plans, and those and the gardening seasons structure my long-term goals and plans and that. is. it.
I've learned so much about myself! But they aren't things you could set out to learn - they came out of being profoundly lazy, slow, and undirected. You need months to get there - years if you could would probably be good, but set a very intentional extremely long window where you're not searching, you're not networking, you're not keeping up on your professional contacts or editing your resume, etc.
My goal is a "year sabbatical", and I've been vocal and excited about it to professional colleagues who think I'm joking or will get bored or whatever. But seriously, what the hell are you working for? Do you know? This is the time to do some of what you've earned that savings for.
Check out in the 60s sense. Read, couch, let sweats become your wardrobe, make elaborate lunches, eat cheesecake for breakfast, take a walk in the rain, plant flowers, etc.
The advice above too (I've read burnout several times now), but for the 'how do I fill my days?' part if your question I wanted to add suggestions that I'm doing right now because they don't seem like "enough" to fill a day but they are!
posted by esoteric things at 11:13 AM on November 22, 2023
As someone who flamed out of a heavily male dominated industry after a decade, and am only now thinking of potentially going back even part time... my biggest advice, and honestly like love letter to my past self would be
Don't rush yourself into finding a new job in the industry. If you do find yourself feeling the need to work, even part time, do something completely unrelated. I tried to force myself back in immediately and i regret it so much. I ended up bouncing around between all different jobs and industries, and i'm happy i did even though i had some other crappy experiences. Especially if you can financially handle it, go work at a book store or a live music venue or something.
Do something that doesn't push any of the buttons or wake up the experiences of the job and industry that wronged you. I went from being department director of bla bla bla or team lead of xyz to checking tickets at the door of a venue. I loved my coworkers, and it was almost always silly and low stakes.
I really wish i had shut up that voice in my head saying i had to be working or i was a lazy fuck. The same thing had caught me between jobs years before, even though i had plenty of safety net to chill on, and it sent me way way deeper into a pit of depression that took me half a year to dig out of. That burnout+depression combo is like trying to swim in wet concrete. I really wish that i had the strength to stand up to the people, especially parents/etc(as a grown adult!) who chided me about this too.
Make peace with the idea that maybe it's ok to just walk away from that industry. It wasn't until well after i did, i'm talking years, that i even was willing to vaguely, and conditionally consider going back. It's been something like 5 years now, and i've only just started bargaining with myself on that. It was actually super healthy to go through the 5 stages of grief and self-argument, even apply for some jobs in the industry and not have a good time, then just do something else.
Covid, among other things caused me to take a huge break from working at all. Like probably almost 24 months, besides little gigs or odd jobs here and there. I tried a completely different job again, it didn't work out, and now i'm remodeling apartments and plastering walls and stuff. I work alone and spend a lot of time contemplating things.
I guess what i'm trying to say is i think it's more constructive to view this as a pivot point, interlude, and possible chapter turn in your life. Less a moment of recovery/healing to continue along the same path, and potentially a course change. I think it would have been so much easier to be kind to myself, and avoid a lot of stress/freakouts if i had done so. Like, not viewing this as some emergency room and then rehab center to going back to the same path, but more of a crossroads.
I only started meaningfully healing once i stopped trying to figure out what checklist i needed to complete so i would be "ok" and could get back to my career though. seriously.
posted by emptythought at 4:44 AM on November 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Don't rush yourself into finding a new job in the industry. If you do find yourself feeling the need to work, even part time, do something completely unrelated. I tried to force myself back in immediately and i regret it so much. I ended up bouncing around between all different jobs and industries, and i'm happy i did even though i had some other crappy experiences. Especially if you can financially handle it, go work at a book store or a live music venue or something.
Do something that doesn't push any of the buttons or wake up the experiences of the job and industry that wronged you. I went from being department director of bla bla bla or team lead of xyz to checking tickets at the door of a venue. I loved my coworkers, and it was almost always silly and low stakes.
I really wish i had shut up that voice in my head saying i had to be working or i was a lazy fuck. The same thing had caught me between jobs years before, even though i had plenty of safety net to chill on, and it sent me way way deeper into a pit of depression that took me half a year to dig out of. That burnout+depression combo is like trying to swim in wet concrete. I really wish that i had the strength to stand up to the people, especially parents/etc(as a grown adult!) who chided me about this too.
Make peace with the idea that maybe it's ok to just walk away from that industry. It wasn't until well after i did, i'm talking years, that i even was willing to vaguely, and conditionally consider going back. It's been something like 5 years now, and i've only just started bargaining with myself on that. It was actually super healthy to go through the 5 stages of grief and self-argument, even apply for some jobs in the industry and not have a good time, then just do something else.
Covid, among other things caused me to take a huge break from working at all. Like probably almost 24 months, besides little gigs or odd jobs here and there. I tried a completely different job again, it didn't work out, and now i'm remodeling apartments and plastering walls and stuff. I work alone and spend a lot of time contemplating things.
I guess what i'm trying to say is i think it's more constructive to view this as a pivot point, interlude, and possible chapter turn in your life. Less a moment of recovery/healing to continue along the same path, and potentially a course change. I think it would have been so much easier to be kind to myself, and avoid a lot of stress/freakouts if i had done so. Like, not viewing this as some emergency room and then rehab center to going back to the same path, but more of a crossroads.
I only started meaningfully healing once i stopped trying to figure out what checklist i needed to complete so i would be "ok" and could get back to my career though. seriously.
posted by emptythought at 4:44 AM on November 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
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What I did after the fired me:
Absolutely nothing for probably 4 straight months. Like waking up late, watching TV until my eyes fell out, driving my dog around to all the parks, reading, eating, sleeping, playing games. Very nice.
And then I needed to start bringing in some money again, so I temped. I only worked a few hours a week and I went to easy easy jobs where all anyone expected of me was to transfer a phone call and refill the coffee pot. Real nice turn your brain off work. I rotated around a bunch of places temping and realized oh wait, literally none of these workplaces are fucked up? Everyone is just boringly doing their boring jobs and no one is throwing things or being actively disgusting? Is this how work should be?
And then after another couple months I felt ready to work full time again, and told my temp agency I was looking for permanent work, and I got placed doing similar admin work but in a totally different industry. I'm still there today. So that worked out great for me.
I've made this very long but bullet points:
-yes, turn into a couch gremlin, it is healing
-temp for a while doing nice quiet brain off work in a variety of places, think of it like sampling a charcuterie board of non abusive meats
-return to full time work when you're ready and need to
posted by phunniemee at 5:19 AM on November 16, 2023 [11 favorites]