Am I putting too much effort into not being irritable?
November 9, 2023 2:53 PM Subscribe
I am an irritable person. I am neurodivergent and have sensory issues and chronic pain, so I'm usually exhausted and overwhelmed. I got all that from my parents, so I grew up around irritable people. They were never abusive and I never feared for my safety, but I still saw how frequent mild irritability could damage relationships and made it a priority to be in a good mood and not snap at people.
The problem is, this takes up an enormous amount of energy. I have much less to spend on my hobbies and with the people I care about. I wonder if I could be really talented at something if I put all that "using a pleasant tone" energy towards one of my interests. I wonder if I'll regret spending less time with people I care about, because I often decline invitations and leave early if there's any risk I won't be able to maintain emotional composure.
The problem is, this takes up an enormous amount of energy. I have much less to spend on my hobbies and with the people I care about. I wonder if I could be really talented at something if I put all that "using a pleasant tone" energy towards one of my interests. I wonder if I'll regret spending less time with people I care about, because I often decline invitations and leave early if there's any risk I won't be able to maintain emotional composure.
This post was deleted for the following reason: -- Brandon Blatcher
Well, I think one key question: when you're "irritable," is it because you are irritated with people? Or is it because they are reading something into your tone and mannerisms that you aren't feeling? Like, is this a difference in communication styles? (For example, I am someone who, when excited about a conversation, might interrupt, which some people interpret as being rude, and others interpret as being rude).
Like, if you are leaving when you feel irritated, that seems okay. But if you're leaving because you feel fine but don't have the energy to maintain a forced cheerfulness, then that seems different.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:34 PM on November 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
Like, if you are leaving when you feel irritated, that seems okay. But if you're leaving because you feel fine but don't have the energy to maintain a forced cheerfulness, then that seems different.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:34 PM on November 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
The problem is, this takes up an enormous amount of energy. I have much less to spend on my hobbies and with the people I care about.
So if I’m understanding that correctly it means that the events you’d like to skip are the larger ones or ones with people you don’t care about that much.
If that is the case then you have this internet stranger’s full permission to skip them.
I’ve found a working definition for extrovert is "someone who is constitutionally unable to understand introverts." They will continually push the idea that a whole plethora of social interactions are Necessary and Important. That’s their thing; feel free to ignore them.
That’s how I’ve lived my life for the last 25 years or so. No regrets yet.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:37 PM on November 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
So if I’m understanding that correctly it means that the events you’d like to skip are the larger ones or ones with people you don’t care about that much.
If that is the case then you have this internet stranger’s full permission to skip them.
I’ve found a working definition for extrovert is "someone who is constitutionally unable to understand introverts." They will continually push the idea that a whole plethora of social interactions are Necessary and Important. That’s their thing; feel free to ignore them.
That’s how I’ve lived my life for the last 25 years or so. No regrets yet.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:37 PM on November 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
(Ha, I meant some people interpret my interrupting as being engaged and other as rude, but that was quite a slip.)
posted by bluedaisy at 3:43 PM on November 9, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 3:43 PM on November 9, 2023 [12 favorites]
Ugh I feel you on a cellular level and I have kids so your post is like a note from the future.
What’s helped me - seeing how much I people please, stuff down, and fake my responses to “be nice”. Then connecting with my anger in a healthy expression - think like screaming in the car at an imaginary coworker and really letting them have it for their hypocrisy and injustice.
Take a cue from Europe. You don’t have to smile all the time. You can be meh.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:10 PM on November 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
What’s helped me - seeing how much I people please, stuff down, and fake my responses to “be nice”. Then connecting with my anger in a healthy expression - think like screaming in the car at an imaginary coworker and really letting them have it for their hypocrisy and injustice.
Take a cue from Europe. You don’t have to smile all the time. You can be meh.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:10 PM on November 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
Just as a side note, I unfortunately waited until the very end of my career (when I was pushed over the edge by being forced into an open office layout) to recognize that my sensory issues really did qualify as a disability for ADA purposes. I got my full size cube back and it was made understood that I would not be attending meetings with more than four people in them. I wasn't strict about that but it gave me an out when I needed one.
I wish I had set the whole thing up a lot sooner. It made work infinitely less draining.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:42 PM on November 9, 2023 [11 favorites]
I wish I had set the whole thing up a lot sooner. It made work infinitely less draining.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:42 PM on November 9, 2023 [11 favorites]
Live your life however it suits you. And if that doesn't include much socialising, then fine. As long as what you do spend your energy on brings you joy.
However, you don't want to be coming back here in a few years time saying you're no longer irritable but are lonely. I suggest you identify a few people in your life who it's worth making the effort for, and make the effort to keep them in your life. And if they are good friends they'll understand if you can't go to everything or have to leave early. Or that you prefer to meet up one on one rather than at a party. You will likely miss out on some invites so if you're prone to FOMO, your calculus may change. But it sounds like you're not enjoying the social events anyway, so go forth and decline them!
posted by pianissimo at 5:00 PM on November 9, 2023 [11 favorites]
However, you don't want to be coming back here in a few years time saying you're no longer irritable but are lonely. I suggest you identify a few people in your life who it's worth making the effort for, and make the effort to keep them in your life. And if they are good friends they'll understand if you can't go to everything or have to leave early. Or that you prefer to meet up one on one rather than at a party. You will likely miss out on some invites so if you're prone to FOMO, your calculus may change. But it sounds like you're not enjoying the social events anyway, so go forth and decline them!
posted by pianissimo at 5:00 PM on November 9, 2023 [11 favorites]
I’ve become less irritable over time, I’m not sure I can pinpoint any one reason why - but one thing that really jumped out to me is, you haven’t really described efforts to BECOME less irritable. You’ve described efforts to OUTWARDLY APPEAR less irritable while still feeling irritable. That’s obviously going to require a huge amount of effort! But itreally is possible to change how you inwardly react to things, so that you don’t HAVE to pretend. For a start, maybe pick up a copy of Feeling Good and read the chapter on anger. It really helped me.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:33 PM on November 9, 2023 [15 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:33 PM on November 9, 2023 [15 favorites]
Are you asking if it's okay to avoid people that irritate you? Or are you asking if it is okay to be meaner to people because it's too much work to be nice to them?
Those are two very different questions with very different answers.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:44 PM on November 9, 2023 [23 favorites]
Those are two very different questions with very different answers.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:44 PM on November 9, 2023 [23 favorites]
I don’t think you have to pretend to be in a good mood all the time, but I think you are right to be careful about not snapping at people—that can really quickly sour relationships and isn’t really okay interpersonal behavior (everyone does it sometimes but it’s hurtful and ungenerous).
posted by pie_seven at 7:26 PM on November 9, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by pie_seven at 7:26 PM on November 9, 2023 [9 favorites]
Like you, I spend a lot of energy trying not to be irritable. My energy goes towards activities like managing sleep, managing mealtimes, taking appropriate medications (my neurodivergence features irritability as a treatable symptom, does yours?), doing medical appointments, going outside, exercising, learning tools to manage triggers in therapy, etc. Yes this is exhausting but it’s the penalty for losing life’s mental health lottery.
Consider reinvesting in core mental health and wellness if you’ve spent your irritability management energy in other places.
posted by shock muppet at 8:02 PM on November 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
Consider reinvesting in core mental health and wellness if you’ve spent your irritability management energy in other places.
posted by shock muppet at 8:02 PM on November 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
How do you know what other perceive as unacceptable irritableness? Yes, snapping at people is not okay. But also, everything is contextual, and everyone differs as to what is hurtful to them or not.
I am oversensitive to interpreting others tone as being annoyed at me. I am also oversensitive to thinking that I am being irritable at someone else, because of the similar history you describe.
Is there any way you can get more external feedback on this?
Also, if I do react irritably then immediately apologize and acknowledge it was about my irritability not something they did, that's probably okay? So maybe your risk tolerance for episodes of irritability could be adjusted with trusted people. You don't always have to be in a good mood around the people you are close to, so long as your bad mood doesn't harm them. I'm susceptible to being overwhelmed by other people's bad moods, but not everyone is like that.
If you put all your energy to not breaking composure and feeling your feelings in front of someone else (as I tend to do), you will never experience what it is like for that to happen. So it feels like a bigger deal than it maybe is, so it feels even more important to stamp it out, so it's even more exhausting, so you're even more overwhelmed, etc.
All to suggest ways that you can adjust the amount of effort you spend on suppressing irritation.
Also, almost always me being irritable is due to sensory overstimulation and there's nothing my brain can do to make that go away. Acknowledging that I just don't want to go to a loud restaurant and not feeling bad about that helps.
posted by lookoutbelow at 10:13 PM on November 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am oversensitive to interpreting others tone as being annoyed at me. I am also oversensitive to thinking that I am being irritable at someone else, because of the similar history you describe.
Is there any way you can get more external feedback on this?
Also, if I do react irritably then immediately apologize and acknowledge it was about my irritability not something they did, that's probably okay? So maybe your risk tolerance for episodes of irritability could be adjusted with trusted people. You don't always have to be in a good mood around the people you are close to, so long as your bad mood doesn't harm them. I'm susceptible to being overwhelmed by other people's bad moods, but not everyone is like that.
If you put all your energy to not breaking composure and feeling your feelings in front of someone else (as I tend to do), you will never experience what it is like for that to happen. So it feels like a bigger deal than it maybe is, so it feels even more important to stamp it out, so it's even more exhausting, so you're even more overwhelmed, etc.
All to suggest ways that you can adjust the amount of effort you spend on suppressing irritation.
Also, almost always me being irritable is due to sensory overstimulation and there's nothing my brain can do to make that go away. Acknowledging that I just don't want to go to a loud restaurant and not feeling bad about that helps.
posted by lookoutbelow at 10:13 PM on November 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
In the autism online community, putting a lot of effort into not being irritated would be considered a type of Masking behavior and you might find some interesting opinions if you search on that term. Unmasking Autism by Devon Prince is a popular book that goes over some of these topics. I do not endorse the entire book (it basically concludes that it's always bad to mask/suppress irritation) but I found it to be an interesting read.
My personal opinion is that learning to suppress irritation when necessary is an important skill, because it helps me get through social situations without making things worse. But, as I got better at that I started suppressing my irritation in situations where it would be totally fine to be irritated. For example there's no need to suppress those feelings when I'm home alone or when a friend has just expressed irritation about something else (which opens up an opportunity for bonding).
I would recommend letting yourself be irritated when it's probably safe to be irritated, which is more often than you might think. Let yourself cry or make some weird noises when you're home by yourself. If you know you can escape from a situation let yourself stay longer than you normally would. And if it starts to get overwhelming, just leave! I've found that it's almost always fine to just leave with a generic "I'm not feeling great, I'll see you later" and knowing that I have that freedom means I need to suppress things less. After you've gotten more used to letting things out, you can decide when you want to let you guard down or let yourself be more irritated in social situations. I actively suppress my irritation in work meetings, and that's definitely better for everyone including myself. But I'm much more open than I used to be with my friends and they're used to it.
posted by JZig at 10:34 PM on November 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
My personal opinion is that learning to suppress irritation when necessary is an important skill, because it helps me get through social situations without making things worse. But, as I got better at that I started suppressing my irritation in situations where it would be totally fine to be irritated. For example there's no need to suppress those feelings when I'm home alone or when a friend has just expressed irritation about something else (which opens up an opportunity for bonding).
I would recommend letting yourself be irritated when it's probably safe to be irritated, which is more often than you might think. Let yourself cry or make some weird noises when you're home by yourself. If you know you can escape from a situation let yourself stay longer than you normally would. And if it starts to get overwhelming, just leave! I've found that it's almost always fine to just leave with a generic "I'm not feeling great, I'll see you later" and knowing that I have that freedom means I need to suppress things less. After you've gotten more used to letting things out, you can decide when you want to let you guard down or let yourself be more irritated in social situations. I actively suppress my irritation in work meetings, and that's definitely better for everyone including myself. But I'm much more open than I used to be with my friends and they're used to it.
posted by JZig at 10:34 PM on November 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
I think effort not being irritable with friends, family, and coworkers is well spent. But maybe you can allow yourself to be irritable in other settings, or at least meh.
posted by emd3737 at 10:42 PM on November 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 10:42 PM on November 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
There's something to be said for making friends with people who don't expect you to be pleasant all the time. Finding people who you can gripe with can let you drop the "I'm pleasant" mask for a bit and can be invigorating.
You can test to see if someone might be amenable to this by griping just a little and seeing if they follow you. Lots of people probably won't but you really never know for sure without trying.
posted by BungaDunga at 1:00 AM on November 10, 2023
You can test to see if someone might be amenable to this by griping just a little and seeing if they follow you. Lots of people probably won't but you really never know for sure without trying.
posted by BungaDunga at 1:00 AM on November 10, 2023
It sounds like it might be time to re-evaluate your boundaries and set some new ones that keep you from being quite so worn out. Like, if you’re friends with a chronically ill person, it’s part of the deal that sometimes they’ll say “hey I want to see you but I hurt / I’m low-energy I’ll be a bit quiet and might need to quit early.” Which doesn’t work for all social plans, but maybe part of it is also shifting toward 1:1 / small hangs in homes or quiet places where you can leave when you want. And if you do stay too long and get snappish, they have the framing to know that it’s not about them and you just overdid it. Feeling crappy and being honest about that is okay, doing what you need to do to take care of your is important, snapping at people is no fun for anyone but it’s okay to test your limits sometimes if you really want to see someone / do something.
posted by momus_window at 8:58 AM on November 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by momus_window at 8:58 AM on November 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
I have always been so much like it sounds that you are, down to having irritable parents (predominantly one, who as a result of his sensitivities about noise I am quiet in my movements to a fault, and have picked up his noise sensitivities myself).
I have ADHD and taking medication has helped me so much with this, but something that the medication gave me the space to realize is that sometimes I need to disclosed to my loved ones when I am feeling irritable, not so much in a "don't annoy me!" way but in a "please be soft with me right now and forgive me if I'm snappish; it's because I'm very uncomfortable for reasons beyond my control." This approach has made such a huge difference in my relationships because they know it's not because I'm a jerk but that it's because I have run out of the energy to control myself because sometimes it needs to be used to make it through a workday and there is just no more at the end of the day. If it's really bad, I disclose it and remove myself from the situation.
It was once worst around my period because I also suffer from PMDD, but I started taking magnesium and Vitamin B6 supplements after my attention was drawn to this study on the effects of magnesium and B6 on PMDD; if you are a menstruating person and experience PMDD, these supplements may also help your irritability. I can't believe how much it has helped me.
posted by urbanlenny at 9:35 AM on November 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
I have ADHD and taking medication has helped me so much with this, but something that the medication gave me the space to realize is that sometimes I need to disclosed to my loved ones when I am feeling irritable, not so much in a "don't annoy me!" way but in a "please be soft with me right now and forgive me if I'm snappish; it's because I'm very uncomfortable for reasons beyond my control." This approach has made such a huge difference in my relationships because they know it's not because I'm a jerk but that it's because I have run out of the energy to control myself because sometimes it needs to be used to make it through a workday and there is just no more at the end of the day. If it's really bad, I disclose it and remove myself from the situation.
It was once worst around my period because I also suffer from PMDD, but I started taking magnesium and Vitamin B6 supplements after my attention was drawn to this study on the effects of magnesium and B6 on PMDD; if you are a menstruating person and experience PMDD, these supplements may also help your irritability. I can't believe how much it has helped me.
posted by urbanlenny at 9:35 AM on November 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I appreciate all these responses, because they've given me very useful information and perspectives, but the question I was trying to ask is still unanswered. Let me try to rephrase it and address some of the questions asked:
I'm not looking for permission to spend less time around people. I want to spend more time around people, but am wondering if it's ethically ok to do so when I'm not at my best, and where to draw the line.
To answer jacquilynne's question - Are you asking if it's okay to avoid people that irritate you? Or are you asking if it is okay to be meaner to people because it's too much work to be nice to them?
The latter, although "mean" isn't the word I'd use. I have no desire to be cruel. When I say that I snap at people, I don't mean hurtful remarks or rage tirades. I mean using a sharp, brusque, intense tone when something startles me. The difference between "What are you doing? I told you not to touch that!" and "Hey, is there a reason you're touching that? I'd really prefer it if you didn't, thank you." However, I still fully acknowledge that being on the receiving end of that can have a strong negative impact, so I'm not downplaying that by avoiding the word "mean".
My other question is - "talented person who's impossible to get along with" is a huge trope, and it makes me wonder if I'm directing my energy in the wrong way. I am not particularly talented at anything, and sometimes I wonder if this is because I put my energy into not being irritable instead of pursuing my interests. I love to cook, and I think I have the beginnings of a talent, but I don't do it as often as I'd like because my priority is not being irritable. I always stop doing things and rest when I feel like I'm on the verge of snapping, or of not having the energy to maintain my emotional composure around people (I have roommates, so I can't just get away like some have suggested). I keep my schedule very sparse because being pleasant around others is my #1 priority right now. I'm hoping to hear from people older than me who have chosen one path or the other, and whether they regret their choice.
posted by wheatlets at 1:13 PM on November 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm not looking for permission to spend less time around people. I want to spend more time around people, but am wondering if it's ethically ok to do so when I'm not at my best, and where to draw the line.
To answer jacquilynne's question - Are you asking if it's okay to avoid people that irritate you? Or are you asking if it is okay to be meaner to people because it's too much work to be nice to them?
The latter, although "mean" isn't the word I'd use. I have no desire to be cruel. When I say that I snap at people, I don't mean hurtful remarks or rage tirades. I mean using a sharp, brusque, intense tone when something startles me. The difference between "What are you doing? I told you not to touch that!" and "Hey, is there a reason you're touching that? I'd really prefer it if you didn't, thank you." However, I still fully acknowledge that being on the receiving end of that can have a strong negative impact, so I'm not downplaying that by avoiding the word "mean".
My other question is - "talented person who's impossible to get along with" is a huge trope, and it makes me wonder if I'm directing my energy in the wrong way. I am not particularly talented at anything, and sometimes I wonder if this is because I put my energy into not being irritable instead of pursuing my interests. I love to cook, and I think I have the beginnings of a talent, but I don't do it as often as I'd like because my priority is not being irritable. I always stop doing things and rest when I feel like I'm on the verge of snapping, or of not having the energy to maintain my emotional composure around people (I have roommates, so I can't just get away like some have suggested). I keep my schedule very sparse because being pleasant around others is my #1 priority right now. I'm hoping to hear from people older than me who have chosen one path or the other, and whether they regret their choice.
posted by wheatlets at 1:13 PM on November 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I want to spend more time around people, but am wondering if it's ethically ok to do so when I'm not at my best, and where to draw the line.
It's ethically okay (perhaps except with people you know to be in a very vulnerable state). You could look at it as a cost-benefit type of thing... few human interactions are 100% pure benefit to all parties in all ways.
I'm neurodivergent and get very irritable very rapidly, especially when there are competing sensory inputs (or I'm trying to write something like this comment and a child is talking to me.......) I don't know if our types of irritability are similar enough, though, so apologies if this is off base!
I find it helpful to just announce that I'm grumpy/irritable, explain why if I know, apologize, and give a solution if I can think of one. Eg "I'm getting really irritable because there's too much noise here, I'm sorry. Let's talk outside." Generally I've been trying to be more transparent and mask less.
I've also been surprised that my tone may sound far more neutral to others than it does to my ears. I've accidentally caught myself snapping on camera (because kids), watched it back, and found that the tone of what I said didn't carry the irritation I thought it had. Nuance may be lost on video possibly so I don't lean on that idea too hard, but do put more weight on my actions and words than my tone.
Might be worth videotaping yourself being irritable and watching it back, or asking someone who you trust to tell you how snappy you sound.
posted by Baethan at 1:59 PM on November 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
It's ethically okay (perhaps except with people you know to be in a very vulnerable state). You could look at it as a cost-benefit type of thing... few human interactions are 100% pure benefit to all parties in all ways.
I'm neurodivergent and get very irritable very rapidly, especially when there are competing sensory inputs (or I'm trying to write something like this comment and a child is talking to me.......) I don't know if our types of irritability are similar enough, though, so apologies if this is off base!
I find it helpful to just announce that I'm grumpy/irritable, explain why if I know, apologize, and give a solution if I can think of one. Eg "I'm getting really irritable because there's too much noise here, I'm sorry. Let's talk outside." Generally I've been trying to be more transparent and mask less.
I've also been surprised that my tone may sound far more neutral to others than it does to my ears. I've accidentally caught myself snapping on camera (because kids), watched it back, and found that the tone of what I said didn't carry the irritation I thought it had. Nuance may be lost on video possibly so I don't lean on that idea too hard, but do put more weight on my actions and words than my tone.
Might be worth videotaping yourself being irritable and watching it back, or asking someone who you trust to tell you how snappy you sound.
posted by Baethan at 1:59 PM on November 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Sorry to threadsit, last post. I just thought of a better example:
I really ought to be using voice control on my phone, but I find it incredibly frustrating. It makes me want to cuss and punch things. I would never direct any of that at my roommates, and generally would be able to refrain from doing either, but I'd probably be stomping around the house in a clearly tense mood and my tone would seem terse. I feel it's my responsibility not to do that, because moods are contagious and I wouldn't like being around that, but not using voice control is aggravating my RSI.
posted by wheatlets at 2:26 PM on November 10, 2023
I really ought to be using voice control on my phone, but I find it incredibly frustrating. It makes me want to cuss and punch things. I would never direct any of that at my roommates, and generally would be able to refrain from doing either, but I'd probably be stomping around the house in a clearly tense mood and my tone would seem terse. I feel it's my responsibility not to do that, because moods are contagious and I wouldn't like being around that, but not using voice control is aggravating my RSI.
posted by wheatlets at 2:26 PM on November 10, 2023
I want to spend more time around people, but am wondering if it's ethically ok to do so when I'm not at my best, and where to draw the line.
Up to you. If you're making other people uncomfortable the situation will work itself out by them not being around you any more.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:09 PM on November 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Up to you. If you're making other people uncomfortable the situation will work itself out by them not being around you any more.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:09 PM on November 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yeah, especially since you have housemates, you’ve gotta take a break when a frustrating thing is being frustrating rather than stomping around. Do something quiet to calm down when you get so mad you can’t hold it in. Maybe also give your roommates a heads up that you’re adjusting to voice control and if they hear you storming around in your room it’s not them, depending on your house ecosystem.
The trope of extremely talented person is asshole is because untalented assholes don’t have people who will put up with them long enough to make a documentary about them. It doesn’t sound like a fun way to exist for the asshole, either. Plenty of talented people are also nice, the two aren’t correlated.
posted by momus_window at 6:04 PM on November 10, 2023 [5 favorites]
The trope of extremely talented person is asshole is because untalented assholes don’t have people who will put up with them long enough to make a documentary about them. It doesn’t sound like a fun way to exist for the asshole, either. Plenty of talented people are also nice, the two aren’t correlated.
posted by momus_window at 6:04 PM on November 10, 2023 [5 favorites]
I think there is a difference between being irritable *at* someone and being irritable *near* them.
Snapping at your roommates because you are mad at your phone is shitty behavior. Stomping around your house because you are mad at your phone isn't directed at them and while they might not love it, you aren't obligated to pretend you are never annoyed by stuff.
Snapping at them because they are doing something you have explicitly asked them not to do is somewhere in between - it is directed at them but also they did a thing that clearly prompted the irritation. You can't just go all ragey on every random minor transgression but I don't think you are obligated to pretend they didn't annoy you. It might not be terribly effective for you in getting what you want, mind you, but that's a different question.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:48 PM on November 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Snapping at your roommates because you are mad at your phone is shitty behavior. Stomping around your house because you are mad at your phone isn't directed at them and while they might not love it, you aren't obligated to pretend you are never annoyed by stuff.
Snapping at them because they are doing something you have explicitly asked them not to do is somewhere in between - it is directed at them but also they did a thing that clearly prompted the irritation. You can't just go all ragey on every random minor transgression but I don't think you are obligated to pretend they didn't annoy you. It might not be terribly effective for you in getting what you want, mind you, but that's a different question.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:48 PM on November 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm a person prone to irritability who was raised by angry people and I live in intense pain. I'm also a mother and a wife who lives in society.
I'm often overwhelmed, overstimulated, overworked, in pain, and crabby.
Each evening the kid is tearing the house apart while talking a mile a minute, I'm trying to make dinner, I need to wash a lunchbox and sort the 10,000 handouts from the school (oh hey tomorrow is another theme day, she's gotta dress like her favorite kitchen small appliance or whatever), I'm tired and queasy, my husband wants to ask weird random stuff like where his own shoes are, and there's mess everywhere.
Quite simply, though, I don't have the right to take that irritability out on other people or make their lives harder by being snippy, stompy, or snarly. Other people have their own stuff, too. My kid is wiped from school and excited to be home, my husband is wiped from work and his brain is just done, we're all switching gears and it's tricky.
But it's not my responsibility to excessively manage other people's feelings, either, or mash myself down to a molecule of self-annihilation.
So what's the answer?
Communicating, setting reasonable rules and boundaries, and grace all around.
"I'm overwhelmed right now and I'd appreciate if everyone took it down a notch." (Communication.) "Child, no running in the house, and don't fiddle near the stove. Husband, I'm not a shoe wizard, and my focus right now is dinner." (Rules and boundaries.) "After dinner, let's hang out as a family." (Grace - they're seeking connection, which is why they're up my butt and bouncing around, they aren't trying to annoy me. And they understand I'm grouchy because I'm tired and this is a hectic part of my day, and I'm going to be bossy until this phase is done.)
Instead of thinking of yourself as just a crank, which just makes you want to give up and go into "that's just who I am" mode, think it through. Go into mystery-solving mode.
A neurodevelopmental symptom? A poor sense of boundaries, leading to overwhelm (I'm a stay at home mom, boundaries are my bread and butter)? Anxiety/depression (a low dose of Lexapro helps me)? Sensory processing issues (I have APD and earplugs help filter sound)? Are you prone to irritability at particular times/days/situations? (I get super crabbed in migraine prodrome, once I recognized the pattern I got better at taking my meds.)
Some combination thereof?
I'll add that I read Devon Price's book, and it was illuminating in many respects.
However, I felt the book completely left out how our behavior affects others. "I relentlessly mocked my friends as a coping mechanism" but no mention of how the friends were probably deeply hurt by being bullied, for example.
posted by champers at 3:35 AM on November 11, 2023 [7 favorites]
I'm often overwhelmed, overstimulated, overworked, in pain, and crabby.
Each evening the kid is tearing the house apart while talking a mile a minute, I'm trying to make dinner, I need to wash a lunchbox and sort the 10,000 handouts from the school (oh hey tomorrow is another theme day, she's gotta dress like her favorite kitchen small appliance or whatever), I'm tired and queasy, my husband wants to ask weird random stuff like where his own shoes are, and there's mess everywhere.
Quite simply, though, I don't have the right to take that irritability out on other people or make their lives harder by being snippy, stompy, or snarly. Other people have their own stuff, too. My kid is wiped from school and excited to be home, my husband is wiped from work and his brain is just done, we're all switching gears and it's tricky.
But it's not my responsibility to excessively manage other people's feelings, either, or mash myself down to a molecule of self-annihilation.
So what's the answer?
Communicating, setting reasonable rules and boundaries, and grace all around.
"I'm overwhelmed right now and I'd appreciate if everyone took it down a notch." (Communication.) "Child, no running in the house, and don't fiddle near the stove. Husband, I'm not a shoe wizard, and my focus right now is dinner." (Rules and boundaries.) "After dinner, let's hang out as a family." (Grace - they're seeking connection, which is why they're up my butt and bouncing around, they aren't trying to annoy me. And they understand I'm grouchy because I'm tired and this is a hectic part of my day, and I'm going to be bossy until this phase is done.)
Instead of thinking of yourself as just a crank, which just makes you want to give up and go into "that's just who I am" mode, think it through. Go into mystery-solving mode.
A neurodevelopmental symptom? A poor sense of boundaries, leading to overwhelm (I'm a stay at home mom, boundaries are my bread and butter)? Anxiety/depression (a low dose of Lexapro helps me)? Sensory processing issues (I have APD and earplugs help filter sound)? Are you prone to irritability at particular times/days/situations? (I get super crabbed in migraine prodrome, once I recognized the pattern I got better at taking my meds.)
Some combination thereof?
I'll add that I read Devon Price's book, and it was illuminating in many respects.
However, I felt the book completely left out how our behavior affects others. "I relentlessly mocked my friends as a coping mechanism" but no mention of how the friends were probably deeply hurt by being bullied, for example.
posted by champers at 3:35 AM on November 11, 2023 [7 favorites]
Try to remember the distinction between feelings and actions? It’s okay to feel irritable - your feelings are what they are and trying to ignore or suppress that isn’t healthy. But you do have choices in whether or how you act on your feelings. As champers says, communication can be a very useful and important tool here. When I’m feeling irritable, for example, I’ll often say that to my partner or friends if they are around, because I know that it’s going to affect my demeanour and the people who know me and care about me will be able to tell. But when I acknowledge it by saying “I’m feeling irritable”, that lets them know a few things: first, that I’m not angry or upset with them (so we avoid hurt feelings due to misunderstandings); second, that I am aware of my emotional state (so they can trust that I won’t misidentify the source of my irritableness and lash out at them). It sounds like you are already careful to avoid taking things out on (relatively) innocent bystanders; but people usually, for entirely their own reasons or past history, get anxious when they sense someone nearby in a bad mood due to an unidentified source and with an unknown outcome. So the certainty or reassurance provided by even this basic bit of communication is a kindness to other people to help them manage this form of social anxiety that almost everyone has.
When I directly tell my partner or friends that I’m feeling irritable, also gives them the opportunity to support me, by asking what I am feeling irritable about, or what they can do to help make life a little easier for me temporarily. (Note that it’s a lot easier for people to give that sort of support when they know it’s not about them and aren’t worried that they’ll be the target of someone’s ire or irritability.) Usually, for me at least, just having the people I care about accept me and my feelings and express care goes most of the way toward dissipating my irritableness - though I’m not neurodivergent. I expect that might help marginally but not have a significant effect for someone experiencing autistic burnout or something. But communicating does open up the possibility of getting your roommates or friends or loved ones to help with changing environmental conditions to be less stressful, or just giving you the time and space to do what you need to take care of yourself.
posted by eviemath at 8:14 PM on November 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
When I directly tell my partner or friends that I’m feeling irritable, also gives them the opportunity to support me, by asking what I am feeling irritable about, or what they can do to help make life a little easier for me temporarily. (Note that it’s a lot easier for people to give that sort of support when they know it’s not about them and aren’t worried that they’ll be the target of someone’s ire or irritability.) Usually, for me at least, just having the people I care about accept me and my feelings and express care goes most of the way toward dissipating my irritableness - though I’m not neurodivergent. I expect that might help marginally but not have a significant effect for someone experiencing autistic burnout or something. But communicating does open up the possibility of getting your roommates or friends or loved ones to help with changing environmental conditions to be less stressful, or just giving you the time and space to do what you need to take care of yourself.
posted by eviemath at 8:14 PM on November 11, 2023 [3 favorites]
I think it's really useful to think about this along two lines. There is how you feel, and then there's how you choose to react to it. In my experience, a lot of problems come from being conditioned-- by your background or whatever-- to think that how you feel is not acceptable in some way. In some familes, I think children are given the idea that their feelings are not OK, and this happens so early and often that you can grow up with the idea that you need to do something about your feelings whenever and however they come up. This leads to a lot of fruitless effort.
In my opinion, there is no problem with having feelings of irritation or anger or whatever. In fact, acknowledging those feelings is a first step to making a really empowered decision about how you are going to respond to them, if at all. There are a lot of times when you can say, "That is really fucking irritating, and it's OK to be irritated but I don't have to do anything about it."
posted by BibiRose at 5:27 AM on November 12, 2023
In my opinion, there is no problem with having feelings of irritation or anger or whatever. In fact, acknowledging those feelings is a first step to making a really empowered decision about how you are going to respond to them, if at all. There are a lot of times when you can say, "That is really fucking irritating, and it's OK to be irritated but I don't have to do anything about it."
posted by BibiRose at 5:27 AM on November 12, 2023
Given the answers above about how sometimes what feels pretty harsh inside may land with other people as normal and fine, I wonder if there are a few close friends you can work with to try this out?
If you have a few understanding friends, maybe you could explain how you're feeling - maybe even show them this post - and say, "I'd like to try being less completely focused on other people's to see if I can bring this into better balance for myself. Would you be willing to give me some space for a few weeks to recalibrate my reactions, and then tell me what that's felt like for you?" You might even add that it probably won't be a big deal and they might not even notice any change, but it could mean a big difference for your own well-being.
If you think this would work, I'd recommend trying at least a month, to give yourself time and practice to begin feeling used to it, and to give your friends time to adjust. After a few weeks, you may have important information from your own brain and heart about how this makes you feel, in addition to some real-world feedback from your friends.
Good luck! Finding a balance between being pleasant and honoring your own feelings can be hard - but may also be really rewarding.
posted by kristi at 3:26 PM on November 12, 2023
If you have a few understanding friends, maybe you could explain how you're feeling - maybe even show them this post - and say, "I'd like to try being less completely focused on other people's to see if I can bring this into better balance for myself. Would you be willing to give me some space for a few weeks to recalibrate my reactions, and then tell me what that's felt like for you?" You might even add that it probably won't be a big deal and they might not even notice any change, but it could mean a big difference for your own well-being.
If you think this would work, I'd recommend trying at least a month, to give yourself time and practice to begin feeling used to it, and to give your friends time to adjust. After a few weeks, you may have important information from your own brain and heart about how this makes you feel, in addition to some real-world feedback from your friends.
Good luck! Finding a balance between being pleasant and honoring your own feelings can be hard - but may also be really rewarding.
posted by kristi at 3:26 PM on November 12, 2023
Hmm, you seem have two competing desires: you want to spend more time with people with composure AND you want to be able to do other things such as pursue creative interests and develop your talents.
The weird thing is that you firmly believe that these desires are in direct competition and cannot be achieved simultaneously/concurrently/complementarily.
You say:
>>I am not particularly talented at anything, and sometimes I wonder if this is because I put my energy into not being irritable instead of pursuing my interests. I love to cook, and I think I have the beginnings of a talent, but I don't do it as often as I'd like because my priority is not being irritable.
But why? I'm not sure why your love of cooking must be set aside in order to work on "not being irritable"? Cooking is (or at least can be) a solitary activity. It seems to me that when you find yourself feeling irritable around people, one rather obvious coping mechanism for dealing with your feelings would be to politely excuse yourself (temporarily) to do a solo activity such as cooking. Your efforts to be less irritable at people can INCLUDE developing solo creative talents.
> I always stop doing things and rest when I feel like I'm on the verge of snapping
Why, though? Why not do something creative like cooking instead of resting (i.e. doing nothing, certainly not doing anything fun, and possibly even spending your "rest" time stewing in your feelings of irritation)?
> I keep my schedule very sparse because being pleasant around others is my #1 priority right now.
This really does seem to be the crux of the problem. Stop keeping your schedule so sparse! Fill it with (a) social activities alternated with (b) short social hangouts with solo activities that can make you feel happier, more fulfilled, more accomplished, etc.
Feeling good about yourself through solo pursuits is a fantastic way to recharge your social amiability batteries. Just because being pleasant around others is your #1 priority, doesn't mean it's literally the only thing you are allowed to do, it's not like you must only ever do your #1 priority or else nothing! You are allowed to have more than one priority. Make it your #2 priority to cook. Allocate your time accordingly.
posted by MiraK at 8:21 AM on November 14, 2023
The weird thing is that you firmly believe that these desires are in direct competition and cannot be achieved simultaneously/concurrently/complementarily.
You say:
>>I am not particularly talented at anything, and sometimes I wonder if this is because I put my energy into not being irritable instead of pursuing my interests. I love to cook, and I think I have the beginnings of a talent, but I don't do it as often as I'd like because my priority is not being irritable.
But why? I'm not sure why your love of cooking must be set aside in order to work on "not being irritable"? Cooking is (or at least can be) a solitary activity. It seems to me that when you find yourself feeling irritable around people, one rather obvious coping mechanism for dealing with your feelings would be to politely excuse yourself (temporarily) to do a solo activity such as cooking. Your efforts to be less irritable at people can INCLUDE developing solo creative talents.
> I always stop doing things and rest when I feel like I'm on the verge of snapping
Why, though? Why not do something creative like cooking instead of resting (i.e. doing nothing, certainly not doing anything fun, and possibly even spending your "rest" time stewing in your feelings of irritation)?
> I keep my schedule very sparse because being pleasant around others is my #1 priority right now.
This really does seem to be the crux of the problem. Stop keeping your schedule so sparse! Fill it with (a) social activities alternated with (b) short social hangouts with solo activities that can make you feel happier, more fulfilled, more accomplished, etc.
Feeling good about yourself through solo pursuits is a fantastic way to recharge your social amiability batteries. Just because being pleasant around others is your #1 priority, doesn't mean it's literally the only thing you are allowed to do, it's not like you must only ever do your #1 priority or else nothing! You are allowed to have more than one priority. Make it your #2 priority to cook. Allocate your time accordingly.
posted by MiraK at 8:21 AM on November 14, 2023
Typo above. I meant to say:
Stop keeping your schedule so sparse! Fill it with (a) short social hangouts, alternated with (b) solo activities that can make you feel happier, more fulfilled, more accomplished, etc.
posted by MiraK at 8:27 AM on November 14, 2023
Stop keeping your schedule so sparse! Fill it with (a) short social hangouts, alternated with (b) solo activities that can make you feel happier, more fulfilled, more accomplished, etc.
posted by MiraK at 8:27 AM on November 14, 2023
Reading between the lines, are you... spending a lot of time with people who are annoying?
Like, if the people were less irritating, would it be easier to control your irritability because you'd have less of it?
Feeling irritable all the time around specific people might be a clue that those people are irritating! And if so, it's ok to either spend less time with them, or allow your irritability to motivate you into changing your boundaries around those people (snap back at them when they're rude to teach them that being rude to you has a consequence, leave the event if they're jerks, etc).
I also think a lot of people are sensitive to sounds and sensory inputs but not attuned to it. Sounds like you're aware that's a thing for you. Make accommodations for sensory issues if you can, like try wearing super comfy soft non-binding clothes, and earplugs, next time you see them, and see if you feel less irritable.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:51 AM on November 14, 2023
Like, if the people were less irritating, would it be easier to control your irritability because you'd have less of it?
Feeling irritable all the time around specific people might be a clue that those people are irritating! And if so, it's ok to either spend less time with them, or allow your irritability to motivate you into changing your boundaries around those people (snap back at them when they're rude to teach them that being rude to you has a consequence, leave the event if they're jerks, etc).
I also think a lot of people are sensitive to sounds and sensory inputs but not attuned to it. Sounds like you're aware that's a thing for you. Make accommodations for sensory issues if you can, like try wearing super comfy soft non-binding clothes, and earplugs, next time you see them, and see if you feel less irritable.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:51 AM on November 14, 2023
Response by poster: MiraK - what I mean is, I have roommates so I only cook when I’m sure that I can be pleasant if someone gets in my way or distracts me. If I feel like I might snap at someone I’m sharing the kitchen with, I don’t cook.
Plus, not being irritable takes up energy for me. If I put that energy into cooking instead, I have less left over to be pleasant to my roommates. The reason I stop doing things and rest when I’m on the verge of snapping is because if I’m already on the verge and something goes wrong when I’m cooking, I might not have the energy to keep myself from reacting angrily. Like, if I spill a pot of soup, I might scream FUUUUCK and I don’t think it’s fair to stress my roommates out Iike that… I certainly wouldn’t want to hear that.
posted by wheatlets at 9:56 AM on November 20, 2023
Plus, not being irritable takes up energy for me. If I put that energy into cooking instead, I have less left over to be pleasant to my roommates. The reason I stop doing things and rest when I’m on the verge of snapping is because if I’m already on the verge and something goes wrong when I’m cooking, I might not have the energy to keep myself from reacting angrily. Like, if I spill a pot of soup, I might scream FUUUUCK and I don’t think it’s fair to stress my roommates out Iike that… I certainly wouldn’t want to hear that.
posted by wheatlets at 9:56 AM on November 20, 2023
FWIW, you might want to recalibrate what stresses other people out. If someone drops a lot of hot soup I would not be stressed at all if they swore loudly about it. I might come running to find out what happened which could be seen as a kind of stress but that's not a negative thing that I would hold against you or be mad at you about. If I dropped a pot of hot soup you bet your ass I would be swearing about it.
This comes back again to what I said above about the difference between being irritable at someone vs. near them.
Some people might be triggered by loud yelling and have an outsized reaction to an otherwise normal thing (someone does a major oops and swears about it) but if your roommates have those sensitivities they need to let you know. You shouldn't tiptoe around your own home never expressing your emotions in order to shield them from things most people wouldn't care about.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:10 AM on November 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
This comes back again to what I said above about the difference between being irritable at someone vs. near them.
Some people might be triggered by loud yelling and have an outsized reaction to an otherwise normal thing (someone does a major oops and swears about it) but if your roommates have those sensitivities they need to let you know. You shouldn't tiptoe around your own home never expressing your emotions in order to shield them from things most people wouldn't care about.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:10 AM on November 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
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Me? I'm a severe introvert, I've also got a chronic health condition, plus a host of idiosyncrasies just like anyone else.
So I reduce my time around other people. Period, straight up. I try to have a whole day every week where I don't even have to be perceived let alone not schedule events. Do other things suffer in my life because of this? Yeah sure, probably, but importantly I am not the one doing the suffering so that's fine by me.
Also, I just don't talk to people I don't like or who have a history of treating me poorly. (Why yes I also grew up around irritable people.) My world is smaller, but the people who are in it are better, and therefore my life is better.
When my body hurts, I rest it or move it as best suits the problem. I keep multiples of the things that comfort me or convenience me all over the house (lotion & vaseline because I have a skin texture Thing, kleenex because my nose runs more often than I want to walk to seek a tissue, scissors because for some reason I constantly need scissors????, blankets, a glass of water, I could go on). Point is, the means to address my most common discomforts are always close at hand.
I actively seek experiences that bring me joy and I regularly try new things. I go to the symphony (alone). I get memberships to my favorite museums so I can pop in (alone!) whenever I feel like it. I'll get a new-to-me snack to try, or go try a cuisine I've never tried, or see a show I'm completely unfamiliar with. Usually alone! The magic, for me, of doing these things alone is that I can quit whenever I want without anyone being impacted. Or if I'm trying something new and it sucks, I don't feel like I have to justify myself to anyone or anything. Not that my friends would give me a hard time about not liking something, it's just more mentally freeing, you know?
Also I have dogs and dogs are cool.
Anyway, my point is, try and find ways to 1) reduce the amount of things in your life that irritate you and 2) increase the amount of things in your life you enjoy. Start with the very smallest stuff, like how I keep a lotion in every room.
The ways I've shifted my lifestyle have made me into a person who is deeply satisfied with my life and mostly happy, but realistically the shape of my life is pretty unusual. My happiness doesn't look like a lot of people's happiness, and that's fine for me.
posted by phunniemee at 3:25 PM on November 9, 2023 [47 favorites]