How do I talk to a therapist?
November 3, 2023 2:19 PM Subscribe
I would like to have a handle on how best to talk to a therapist about my deal. I am not in any particularly bad place, but want a hand with figuring out the next few decades. I’m afraid I’m going to ramble inside, because I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how to ask for it.
I’ve been getting sadder and sadder and more and more anxious like a slowly tightening belt. I think it may finally be time to talk to someone about it. (I did once talk to a therapist for a few months while I quit drinking, but to be honest it felt superfluous & not particularly insightful, as it turned out or as luck would have it. I am glad I made the effort to find support that I might have needed.) (I quit drinking a couple of years ago because it was getting a bit habitual and for health reasons. It hasn’t been hard for me, which I am grateful for). I am worried about taking resources away from someone else who really needs it, or of claiming some trouble for myself that is half imaginary drama on my part when I know the absolutely real awfulness some/many people deal with. I don’t know what to answer to some questions about how I am because every thought is a wheel within a wheel: example - do you ever think about suicide? A: almost every day but not really really. Doesn’t everyone? In what way does this count? Does it? Should I tell them? What will happen?
Another example: Am I actually depressed if I can still (increasingly poorly) function even if I’m dragging myself through misery to do so? In short, am I allowed to seek help even if my troubles are somehow imaginary? Tendentious question obviously, and I clearly hope for your “permission” here, but I am at a loss to really gauge if I am wasting a therapist’s time and mine. I feel I’ll likely even just put a brave face on any encounter and not open up to any help, so it’s kind of moot anyway. I’m so used to second guessing whether my own experience is “actual” that I really haven’t a clue how seriously to take myself, let alone whether to involve anyone else’s valuable time.( I wouldn’t hang any of my sadness and anxiety and gradually diminishing functionality on quitting drinking btw, that really doesn’t fit, from my perspective). Does my bullshit count?
I’ve been getting sadder and sadder and more and more anxious like a slowly tightening belt. I think it may finally be time to talk to someone about it. (I did once talk to a therapist for a few months while I quit drinking, but to be honest it felt superfluous & not particularly insightful, as it turned out or as luck would have it. I am glad I made the effort to find support that I might have needed.) (I quit drinking a couple of years ago because it was getting a bit habitual and for health reasons. It hasn’t been hard for me, which I am grateful for). I am worried about taking resources away from someone else who really needs it, or of claiming some trouble for myself that is half imaginary drama on my part when I know the absolutely real awfulness some/many people deal with. I don’t know what to answer to some questions about how I am because every thought is a wheel within a wheel: example - do you ever think about suicide? A: almost every day but not really really. Doesn’t everyone? In what way does this count? Does it? Should I tell them? What will happen?
Another example: Am I actually depressed if I can still (increasingly poorly) function even if I’m dragging myself through misery to do so? In short, am I allowed to seek help even if my troubles are somehow imaginary? Tendentious question obviously, and I clearly hope for your “permission” here, but I am at a loss to really gauge if I am wasting a therapist’s time and mine. I feel I’ll likely even just put a brave face on any encounter and not open up to any help, so it’s kind of moot anyway. I’m so used to second guessing whether my own experience is “actual” that I really haven’t a clue how seriously to take myself, let alone whether to involve anyone else’s valuable time.( I wouldn’t hang any of my sadness and anxiety and gradually diminishing functionality on quitting drinking btw, that really doesn’t fit, from my perspective). Does my bullshit count?
Please don't worry about "taking resources away from someone else who really needs it." You will benefit from therapy. Tell them if you're a danger to yourself and follow their guidance. Tell them if you don't believe you're a danger to yourself. You are not wasting anybody's time. Everything you told us here is good to take with you to your first session. Consider printing it out or showing it to them on your phone even. You may wish to ask for tools for not feeling like you are now. Good luck, and let us know how it goes! I believe you'll gain a lot.
posted by knile at 2:30 PM on November 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by knile at 2:30 PM on November 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
Oh, friend, you are certainly in a place to pursue therapy! You are worthy of the therapist's time! I've been in therapy for years and have continued to be in therapy despite many of the problems I was having in the past having since been resolved.
Like, you wouldn't say, "I have very high blood pressure, but I am not going to pursue medical care because someone else is having a stroke."
I don't want to say you are overthinking, because that sounds critical. But, like, the bar doesn't need to be that high to pursue therapy. But also, I want to gently say, as someone who has gone through periods with a lot of depression and some thoughts of suicide, that, no, in fact, thinking about suicide nearly every day is not a universal human experience.
You have not just my permission but also my strong encouragement to go to therapy.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:46 PM on November 3, 2023 [10 favorites]
Like, you wouldn't say, "I have very high blood pressure, but I am not going to pursue medical care because someone else is having a stroke."
I don't want to say you are overthinking, because that sounds critical. But, like, the bar doesn't need to be that high to pursue therapy. But also, I want to gently say, as someone who has gone through periods with a lot of depression and some thoughts of suicide, that, no, in fact, thinking about suicide nearly every day is not a universal human experience.
You have not just my permission but also my strong encouragement to go to therapy.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:46 PM on November 3, 2023 [10 favorites]
This specific variety of bullshit are like, textbook depression symptoms. One of the insidious things about depression is that it drags you away from trying to seek help. Please talk to a therapist, they would love to help you!
posted by capricorn at 2:46 PM on November 3, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by capricorn at 2:46 PM on November 3, 2023 [12 favorites]
You just go in and spill your guts and let them help you unpack it. It's literally the job. It's like hiring an assistant or housecleaner for your brain and I am not devaluing assistants, housecleaners, or therapists. Things get overwhelming and sometimes when we're on the inside, it's hard to see the way through.
One of the first things they might ask you is why you feel like your problems don't warrant help, or why 'wasting a therapist's time' would be on your mind. Or questioning why your bullshit counts. You don't have to cross a suffering threshold to need and deserve help.
Everybody's bullshit counts, everyone deserves help and understanding, everyone needs help and understanding.
I know this is pretty much a throwaway Metafilter statement but really, just printing this and handing it over will probably be the easiest thing - the internal stuff of whether your problems are bad enough to deserve assistance - a therapist reassuring you that hell yes you deserve help might put you at ease and maybe you need to set that bag down before you start unpacking the rest.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:50 PM on November 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
One of the first things they might ask you is why you feel like your problems don't warrant help, or why 'wasting a therapist's time' would be on your mind. Or questioning why your bullshit counts. You don't have to cross a suffering threshold to need and deserve help.
Everybody's bullshit counts, everyone deserves help and understanding, everyone needs help and understanding.
I know this is pretty much a throwaway Metafilter statement but really, just printing this and handing it over will probably be the easiest thing - the internal stuff of whether your problems are bad enough to deserve assistance - a therapist reassuring you that hell yes you deserve help might put you at ease and maybe you need to set that bag down before you start unpacking the rest.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:50 PM on November 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
There's no blood test for depression my friend, no swab for anxiety, they are necessarily descriptive terms rather than prescriptive. Is your life hard because your thoughts and feelings get you down? Sure sounds like it.
So the real question is will therapy and/or medication help? And the answer is, quite possibly.
I've had both bad and good therapists. Also I've been on antidepressants that didn't help, and one that has made a huge difference in my life. So I can't promise an instant fix, but I can say that finding what I needed changed my life massively for the better.
One thing to note about both anxiety and depression, they cause you to throw up huge barriers to doing anything to help yourself, in large part by warping your perceptions of yourself and what others think about you. However I imagine you are probably fairly compassionate of others. You are even worried about wasting a hypothetical therapists time. So one mental trick that's been helpful for me when I'm struggling is to imagine a friend or relative comes to me with a similar problem, think about what advice I'd give them, then FOLLOW that advice. What advice would you give someone else describing themselves like this if they were wondering if they should try therapy?
Anyway I think you are not in a great place in terms of experience or resources to assess your own functioning if you are anxious or depressed or both. Even if you don't believe us random but compassionate internet strangers, I hope you will find a mental health provider for an assessment or intake appointment.
posted by Chrysopoeia at 3:13 PM on November 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
So the real question is will therapy and/or medication help? And the answer is, quite possibly.
I've had both bad and good therapists. Also I've been on antidepressants that didn't help, and one that has made a huge difference in my life. So I can't promise an instant fix, but I can say that finding what I needed changed my life massively for the better.
One thing to note about both anxiety and depression, they cause you to throw up huge barriers to doing anything to help yourself, in large part by warping your perceptions of yourself and what others think about you. However I imagine you are probably fairly compassionate of others. You are even worried about wasting a hypothetical therapists time. So one mental trick that's been helpful for me when I'm struggling is to imagine a friend or relative comes to me with a similar problem, think about what advice I'd give them, then FOLLOW that advice. What advice would you give someone else describing themselves like this if they were wondering if they should try therapy?
Anyway I think you are not in a great place in terms of experience or resources to assess your own functioning if you are anxious or depressed or both. Even if you don't believe us random but compassionate internet strangers, I hope you will find a mental health provider for an assessment or intake appointment.
posted by Chrysopoeia at 3:13 PM on November 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
example - do you ever think about suicide? A: almost every day but not really really. Doesn’t everyone? In what way does this count? Does it? Should I tell them? What will happen?
Yes you should tell them, because this is what therapists do - help you figure out why you keep thinking about the 'escape exit' from life. If you aren't making plans to do it, then they'll just talk about how you can make a life you don't feel that way about.
Yes this counts.
Doesn't everyone? Ummm, nope.
The majority of people, nope.
I mostly only think of the *topic* when it's brought up in the news, and very rarely, even as a thought experiment, in reference to myself, except when I'm quite depressed even if I don't realise it at the time (and that's the only point it gets to thought experiment stage, not even plans). While I'm depressed I often think I'm just a bit blank etc, but when I'm out of the hole I am like, wtf? That was *not* how I usually think!
Escapism for me basically takes the form of wanting to hide away and read books, or move somewhere, not unaliving.
posted by Elysum at 3:30 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
Yes you should tell them, because this is what therapists do - help you figure out why you keep thinking about the 'escape exit' from life. If you aren't making plans to do it, then they'll just talk about how you can make a life you don't feel that way about.
Yes this counts.
Doesn't everyone? Ummm, nope.
The majority of people, nope.
I mostly only think of the *topic* when it's brought up in the news, and very rarely, even as a thought experiment, in reference to myself, except when I'm quite depressed even if I don't realise it at the time (and that's the only point it gets to thought experiment stage, not even plans). While I'm depressed I often think I'm just a bit blank etc, but when I'm out of the hole I am like, wtf? That was *not* how I usually think!
Escapism for me basically takes the form of wanting to hide away and read books, or move somewhere, not unaliving.
posted by Elysum at 3:30 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don’t know what to answer to some questions about how I am because every thought is a wheel within a wheel: example - do you ever think about suicide? A: almost every day but not really really. Doesn’t everyone? In what way does this count? Does it? Should I tell them? What will happen?Good therapists will have training and experience in talking with people with mild chronic suicidal ideation. They won't react to it like it's an emergency, or that you're in immediate danger of harming yourself, if you tell them that you're not in immediate danger of harming yourself.
Another example: Am I actually depressed if I can still (increasingly poorly) function even if I’m dragging myself through misery to do so? In short, am I allowed to seek help even if my troubles are somehow imaginary?Yes. There is a whole spectrum of depression from "can't get out of bed" to "can do just about everything you need to do in daily life but incapable of enjoying any of it" and people at every point on that spectrum deserve to seek help if they would benefit from it.
All of our troubles are "somehow imaginary" in the sense that our perceptions of anything as positive or negative are conjured up by our own minds; and all of our troubles are real in the sense that they are real to us (and also in the sense that there does seem to be some kind of biological basis for depression). Your troubles are not more imaginary than other peoples'.
I feel I’ll likely even just put a brave face on any encounter and not open up to any help, so it’s kind of moot anyway.Yeah, maybe you won't open up very much the first time you talk to your therapist. Try to view it as a more long-term project, if you can; here is someone to listen compassionately to you for forty-five minutes, and they're not going to get your deepest darkest secrets, but maybe you can tell them one or two of your easier problems. And maybe, over the course of several weeks or months, you can build up a level of trust where you can talk about the harder stuff. You might not believe that will ever happen, and that's okay. You might find that if you talk about the easier stuff, and you start to resolve some of the easier stuff, the harder stuff gets easier to figure out (or to bear) even if you continue to be unable to talk about it.
Your brain will throw up roadblocks to you getting help. Please recognize that it's throwing up roadblocks, and don't take what it says at face value.
posted by Jeanne at 3:32 PM on November 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
This internet stranger is giving you permission to ask a therapist for help.
I'm not a mental health professional, just somebody who has struggled with depression off and on. You can be depressed and still "functioning" in your job and at home. I have been, and it's a desperate, joyless existence. You deserve better. Please ask for help.
posted by tuesdayschild at 4:00 PM on November 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm not a mental health professional, just somebody who has struggled with depression off and on. You can be depressed and still "functioning" in your job and at home. I have been, and it's a desperate, joyless existence. You deserve better. Please ask for help.
posted by tuesdayschild at 4:00 PM on November 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
I am glad I made the effort to find support that I might have needed.
I’m glad you made that effort too!
It sounds like the time has come to make that effort again.
It may be a different kind of effort this time but you are obviously thinking and strategizing on how to get this started.
You will not be hoarding resources from others.
Thank you for posting this question!
posted by calgirl at 4:01 PM on November 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
I’m glad you made that effort too!
It sounds like the time has come to make that effort again.
It may be a different kind of effort this time but you are obviously thinking and strategizing on how to get this started.
You will not be hoarding resources from others.
Thank you for posting this question!
posted by calgirl at 4:01 PM on November 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
I've had these thoughts, too. I agree with everyone: you deserve to get help and to feel better. Plus, it's not like you making an appointment is taking anything away from anyone. The therapist wants to talk to you; it's their job (and they get paid for it). Let them do their job, and help you!
posted by attentionplease at 4:19 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by attentionplease at 4:19 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
1. It can actually be really stressful for a therapist to help people in full-scale crisis every single day, all day long. It can be nice, restful, and satisfying to work with a client who just wants more support. At the same time, therapists like to help people. It's why they became therapists. Helping you makes them happy and keeps food in their children's mouths. Try telling yourself you are doing it so the therapist can retire someday, or go out to a nice birthday dinner.
2. Therapists get lots of training in helping people with suicidal ideation (thinking about suicide). Part of the help is asking you questions beyond "Ever thought about it y/n" and working with you on ways to be safe and feel better. A therapist will not be surprised, upset, or angry with the answer you shared here. It's actually a pretty common kind of answer and it is something a therapist is trained to help with.
3. Your bullshit counts. You are a human being with innate dignity and worth and you deserve care and support. I encourage you to talk with a therapist for support, because you are an important part of our community and we care about you and want good things for you.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:30 PM on November 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
2. Therapists get lots of training in helping people with suicidal ideation (thinking about suicide). Part of the help is asking you questions beyond "Ever thought about it y/n" and working with you on ways to be safe and feel better. A therapist will not be surprised, upset, or angry with the answer you shared here. It's actually a pretty common kind of answer and it is something a therapist is trained to help with.
3. Your bullshit counts. You are a human being with innate dignity and worth and you deserve care and support. I encourage you to talk with a therapist for support, because you are an important part of our community and we care about you and want good things for you.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:30 PM on November 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
Yes you should talk to a therapist. You don't need to be sick or distressed in any way to talk to a therapist anyway -- therapists help healthy, well people choose careers, find greater meaning, improve their relationships, explore their psyches, etc. It's not all treating mental illness. Most therapists like to and need to see a range -- you won't be taking anyone's spot. Yes, therapists can handle chronic suicidal ideation, and yes, this is common and yes, you should tell the truth about it. You could start by just reading your new therapist this question.
posted by shadygrove at 6:49 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 6:49 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
example - do you ever think about suicide? A: almost every day but not really really. Doesn’t everyone?
No, they don't. (The answer surprised me, too.)
It's good to go to therapy.
It's good to go to therapy when the precipice is a ways off.
It's good to go to therapy when you're standing on the precipice.
Go to therapy.
posted by Iris Gambol at 7:15 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
No, they don't. (The answer surprised me, too.)
It's good to go to therapy.
It's good to go to therapy when the precipice is a ways off.
It's good to go to therapy when you're standing on the precipice.
Go to therapy.
posted by Iris Gambol at 7:15 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
I am a therapist. At least half of the new clients I've seen have said that they don't feel like their problems are "big enough" to be "wasting my time" with. I felt the same way recently when I started seeing a therapist myself! It's a very, very, very common feeling, not just from depression but also because it sometimes just feels weird to focus on yourself in the way that therapy asks us to do.
posted by lapis at 7:52 PM on November 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by lapis at 7:52 PM on November 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
Love to you through the internet 💗
Just find a therapist and say: I’m feeling bad and normally I can cope but my emotions are starting to overwhelm me and I’d like some help unpacking it.
That’s it. You don’t have to plan it out any more than that.
As for feeling like you’re using up resources: Any time a person faces their “stuff” and loves their shadow and cleans out their emotional self, it raises the common vibration of humanity just that much more and collectively we all benefit from it. You never know what the ripple effect the work you’ve done on yourself will be.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:09 PM on November 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
Just find a therapist and say: I’m feeling bad and normally I can cope but my emotions are starting to overwhelm me and I’d like some help unpacking it.
That’s it. You don’t have to plan it out any more than that.
As for feeling like you’re using up resources: Any time a person faces their “stuff” and loves their shadow and cleans out their emotional self, it raises the common vibration of humanity just that much more and collectively we all benefit from it. You never know what the ripple effect the work you’ve done on yourself will be.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:09 PM on November 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
What will happen [if I discuss suicidality]
You will be asked if you are in the advanced planning stages, specifically if you have gathered tools or have specific immediate plans. Provided the answers to those are no (and it sounds like they are) then the topic is wide open.
I used to be suicidal every day. I'm not anymore. It took a while, but progress was made.
Tidbits:
A) Everyone is fighting their own hardest battle, and every one of them deserves help with it.
B) My general rule for what I should be talking about in therapy is "whatever I happen to be talking about in therapy." I'm there to work, but oftentimes that means looking at what I'm thinking about at that very moment.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:24 PM on November 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
You will be asked if you are in the advanced planning stages, specifically if you have gathered tools or have specific immediate plans. Provided the answers to those are no (and it sounds like they are) then the topic is wide open.
I used to be suicidal every day. I'm not anymore. It took a while, but progress was made.
Tidbits:
A) Everyone is fighting their own hardest battle, and every one of them deserves help with it.
B) My general rule for what I should be talking about in therapy is "whatever I happen to be talking about in therapy." I'm there to work, but oftentimes that means looking at what I'm thinking about at that very moment.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:24 PM on November 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
You are very self-aware and understand there’s a problem, which is a great place to start from. “I’m afraid I’m going to ramble because I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how to ask for it.” is actually a totally legit thing to say to a therapist. Actually, everything you’ve written would be a fine starting point. I hope it goes well; you deserve to ask for and receive therapy. Be well.
posted by mollymillions at 8:46 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by mollymillions at 8:46 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
I once read an interview with a therapist who worked with people who had experienced severe trauma. (Survivors of domestic abuse, sexual violence, assault). She said that one of the things her patients would tell her is that they were ashamed of asking for help because "other people had it worse".
These are the people who most people would consider as having it worse and even they have this form of imposter syndrome about getting help.
I think that this reaction is a (misguided, but well intentioned) self protection mechanism, and as such it's a indicator of whether you're getting close to the parts of you that really do need help.
The "but there's not really anything wrong" and "maybe I'm just doing this for attention" and "but I should be able to fix this myself, all I have to do is..." statements are all ways you're trying to protect yourself.
That voice is the voice of a small child who's only safety is in hiding. That voice is trying to help you, but it doesn't know how other than telling you to keep your head down.
Give that child a fond kiss, thank it for its efforts, and tell it that you're going to see a therapist who will be teaching you some new skills.
You're allowed to look after yourself. You're allowed to get help.
posted by Zumbador at 9:15 PM on November 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
These are the people who most people would consider as having it worse and even they have this form of imposter syndrome about getting help.
I think that this reaction is a (misguided, but well intentioned) self protection mechanism, and as such it's a indicator of whether you're getting close to the parts of you that really do need help.
The "but there's not really anything wrong" and "maybe I'm just doing this for attention" and "but I should be able to fix this myself, all I have to do is..." statements are all ways you're trying to protect yourself.
That voice is the voice of a small child who's only safety is in hiding. That voice is trying to help you, but it doesn't know how other than telling you to keep your head down.
Give that child a fond kiss, thank it for its efforts, and tell it that you're going to see a therapist who will be teaching you some new skills.
You're allowed to look after yourself. You're allowed to get help.
posted by Zumbador at 9:15 PM on November 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
You don’t have to be depressed to go to therapy. You can just want help to figure things out. Give it a try.
posted by Riverine at 10:24 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Riverine at 10:24 PM on November 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
Reading your question actually gave me a sensible chuckle because it is all so extremely normal for someone who would really benefit from therapy to sound exactly like you. Everyone else in these answers is correct, but I think restless_nomad sums it up first and best.
A term from me to you that I find very helpful when working with mental health professionals is passive suicidal ideation. That means, you think about suicide but don’t have active plans or tools to go through with it, nor do you need to struggle particularly to keep yourself from making any (though that is getting into the weeds a bit). This was very helpful to me as a passively suicidal person for most of my life starting at eleven years old. I was like, oh, there are gradations of suicidality! Clarity of terminology can really help me with visualizing goals because the goal was never “don’t kill yourself” but I didn’t realize I could make the goal of “have a good enough time being alive that you don’t even realize you’re not thinking about killing yourself most days” until I divided it into passive and active, ideation and the action itself.
Another thing is that for me, all the therapy in the world does absolutely nothing if I’m not also medicated. I take an ssri for anxiety, and it helps me so much in being able to separate those feelings and physical responses from the ones that are related to my depression. It’s fascinating, honestly. It doesn’t do anything for my depression but it makes it so much easier, even possible at all, for me to do things for my depression myself. Like therapy and making informed life choices and controlling my rumination and etc etc etc. So, you may not be like this, and you may find benefit from different forms and styles of talk therapy alone, but considering your anecdote about your previous therapy experience I would suggest giving medication a try in tandem with therapy this time, and see how it goes.
posted by Mizu at 12:52 AM on November 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
A term from me to you that I find very helpful when working with mental health professionals is passive suicidal ideation. That means, you think about suicide but don’t have active plans or tools to go through with it, nor do you need to struggle particularly to keep yourself from making any (though that is getting into the weeds a bit). This was very helpful to me as a passively suicidal person for most of my life starting at eleven years old. I was like, oh, there are gradations of suicidality! Clarity of terminology can really help me with visualizing goals because the goal was never “don’t kill yourself” but I didn’t realize I could make the goal of “have a good enough time being alive that you don’t even realize you’re not thinking about killing yourself most days” until I divided it into passive and active, ideation and the action itself.
Another thing is that for me, all the therapy in the world does absolutely nothing if I’m not also medicated. I take an ssri for anxiety, and it helps me so much in being able to separate those feelings and physical responses from the ones that are related to my depression. It’s fascinating, honestly. It doesn’t do anything for my depression but it makes it so much easier, even possible at all, for me to do things for my depression myself. Like therapy and making informed life choices and controlling my rumination and etc etc etc. So, you may not be like this, and you may find benefit from different forms and styles of talk therapy alone, but considering your anecdote about your previous therapy experience I would suggest giving medication a try in tandem with therapy this time, and see how it goes.
posted by Mizu at 12:52 AM on November 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
+1 your bullshit counts!!
posted by kensington314 at 1:58 AM on November 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by kensington314 at 1:58 AM on November 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Seconding many of these fine responses.
It's also a-ok to walk in to your first therapist appointment, let them ask a question like, "What brings you here today?" and answer with however you are feeling right there and then.
It is literally their job to help you parse your answers and feel better.
Your bullshit counts. YOU count.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 5:14 AM on November 4, 2023
It's also a-ok to walk in to your first therapist appointment, let them ask a question like, "What brings you here today?" and answer with however you are feeling right there and then.
It is literally their job to help you parse your answers and feel better.
Your bullshit counts. YOU count.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 5:14 AM on November 4, 2023
I’ve said this elsewhere, but it seems particularly applicable here: Depression is God‘s great joke on mankind. It is the only disease that makes you feel like you deserve to have it.
You don’t.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:30 AM on November 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
You don’t.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:30 AM on November 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
There are many people who go to therapy just to understand themselves better and to process general life events and stresses, to be better at communicating with others, and to perform their life/job/etc duties in a healthy and balanced way. There's absolutely no requirement that you be in full-blown crisis or have an extraordinary tale of woe. Normal everyday woes are fine, especially when you want to prevent their progression to a more serious level.
am I allowed to seek help even if my troubles are somehow imaginary
I mean, if you are being plagued by imaginary troubles, wouldn't that be even MORE reason to see a professional?
Look, nobody was meant to live under the stresses we do. Unless you are a hermit living (happily!) in a cave with your goats, or if you are a person who lucked into learning a robust set of coping skills from other sources without having to pay, you deserve-should try-need therapy just as much as everyone you pass walking down the street. Don't think of it as taking someone else's resources - you're not going to therapy 40 hours a week for the rest of your life - but taking your turn.
Take the post you've written here and break it down into bullet points. Expand on anything you know you want to work on specifically. It's probably going to take time to actually locate a therapist with availability and get on the calendar for a first session, and if it would help you organize your thoughts you can do an anxiety and depression workbook while you wait - there are dozens, but you might look at this one since it's really broad-spectrum. You WILL come out of that exercise with a great deal of insight, and likely know exactly what bullet points you want to add to your list. Take the list with you to your first session, or even email it in advance, but keep a copy on you so that every session you can pop it back out and review.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:24 AM on November 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
am I allowed to seek help even if my troubles are somehow imaginary
I mean, if you are being plagued by imaginary troubles, wouldn't that be even MORE reason to see a professional?
Look, nobody was meant to live under the stresses we do. Unless you are a hermit living (happily!) in a cave with your goats, or if you are a person who lucked into learning a robust set of coping skills from other sources without having to pay, you deserve-should try-need therapy just as much as everyone you pass walking down the street. Don't think of it as taking someone else's resources - you're not going to therapy 40 hours a week for the rest of your life - but taking your turn.
Take the post you've written here and break it down into bullet points. Expand on anything you know you want to work on specifically. It's probably going to take time to actually locate a therapist with availability and get on the calendar for a first session, and if it would help you organize your thoughts you can do an anxiety and depression workbook while you wait - there are dozens, but you might look at this one since it's really broad-spectrum. You WILL come out of that exercise with a great deal of insight, and likely know exactly what bullet points you want to add to your list. Take the list with you to your first session, or even email it in advance, but keep a copy on you so that every session you can pop it back out and review.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:24 AM on November 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: This is all so very helpful and supportive. I knew you were good eggs, but I’m so grateful to you all. I just told my spouse that “I’m gonna go see someone about m’brain”, so I guess I’ll take some steps in that direction and see what’s next. Thank you ALL, for the thought and effort and for caring about ... well ... me, I guess. That’s a slightly odd thing to experience in this abstracted world... thank you and love to you all. I’m going to take some little steps.
posted by Craftedperson at 9:37 AM on November 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by Craftedperson at 9:37 AM on November 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
So heyyyyyyyy, I've been in therapy for like sixteen years and am now having Much More Worse Problems, so I can answer a lot of this from very recent experience! (Disclaimer: I am a big fan of therapy, albeit people have wildly varying opinions as to whether or not they think it is working for me. My old therapist could give you a list of my improvements, but it's hard for me to notice.) As long as you get on with your therapist, that helps. I really hit it off with my old one instantly and my new one is a lot more reserved and that's pretty weird for me, but we're getting on and she's willing to help, so I'm rolling with it.
- do you ever think about suicide? A: almost every day but not really really. Doesn’t everyone?
A lot of people do, but not necessarily everyone. I think more people have these thoughts than it's socially okay to admit to, and also just because you have those thoughts doesn't necessarily mean that you're committed to the bit.
It's easy to do when you are in a situation that is not going to get better short of death, or you're really really really sick of trying to solve a problem like Maria (i.e. you not fitting with the world), or if you truly don't know how you are going to survive your current situation, which are the situations that have triggered me in this direction. Or if you come down with something that will kill you, but agonizingly slowly.
In what way does this count? Does it? Should I tell them? What will happen?
I will note that if you use the s-word a lot when calling, medical professionals will suddenly move heaven and earth to get you appointments. Even my HMO, which is notorious for not being great at that, seriously they got me on the phone with someone within an hour and booked me a counselor for the next morning when I was sobbing hysterically and admitting to the s-word thoughts.
Here's what happens after you say it (and they move their butts to get you someone to talk to): I've had this conversation oh, every few days for the last few weeks? They basically check to see if you have the means, opportunity and a plan to do it. Until you've got that, you have ye olde passive suicidal ideation and they are a lot less concerned about that. I keep having to say I don't have any weapons in the house and things like that, I don't have a plan as to how to do it, I am not an emergency concern right now just because I have the thoughts. Once you say that, they move on and don't seem to be that concerned. Once you get active about it, presumably that's when things escalate, but I can't speak to that. My new therapist was all, "I have been the person who's committed people, you're not that bad." The nice young men in the clean white coats will not be coming over to your house with a brand new jacket for saying you have the thoughts. (Either that or they can't figure out where I live.) As to why I don't have a plan or way to do it, Dorothy Parker's Resume sums it up. And I'm only sometimes in that mode, and it's because of my Very Bad Situation that I can't find a reasonable solution out of. Like I was totally fine last night at the theater. So make of this what you will.
Another example: Am I actually depressed if I can still (increasingly poorly) function even if I’m dragging myself through misery to do so?
Apparently yes.
I will say this: I am being FORCED to seek medication now. You have no idea how much I don't want to be doing this and how upset I am this morning taking my first depression med for the rest of my life and choking on it for a half hour and trying almost every trick on the "how to not gag on pills" thread recently that I could try (minus food substances that aren't in my house to try) and just not managing it. (Like, well, it's out of my mouth now but either I bit it or it just dissolved out of sheer exhaustion, I can't even tell you which.) I actually have had a much harder time at GETTING drugged than I expected. I seriously expected to have a prescription thrown at my head after about 15 minutes of talking, and that is indeed what happened yesterday, but I have spent the last few weeks Getting Help and frankly, it seems to depend on who you're talking to and what they are qualified to do for you. Regular ol' therapists without an MD will not be able to offer you drugs. The HMO screening counselor said she can't do that and I have to talk to my PCP because they prescribe drugs, supposedly the HMO won't let you see a psychiatrist re: drugs even though you hear your whole life it's only psychiatrists that prescribe drugs, the PCP I was assigned to was a jerk and just told me to go on workman's comp and that was not appropriate. I switched PCP's and then voila, here I am crying over trying to choke down a pill this morning. Success?!
Like compared to all of that shit, finding a therapist when mine announced her retirement was easy. As for finding one, depends on what your insurance will pay for (note: mine helpfully tracked me down some recommendations and I went from there), and then you contact them and see if you hit it off/they're willing to help/you can mutually fit into a schedule. Psychology Today lists therapists and what insurance they take and you can email/call them, I was also told to try https://lifestance.com/, which I ended up not doing but I will mention to others if that works. I got rejected for insurance confusion from the first one, I think the second one didn't like me too much personally (I'm told my saying "I can squeeze in an appointment before rehearsal" came off as offensive!) and turned me down, here I am with #3 out of the 4 recs I got.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:39 AM on November 4, 2023
- do you ever think about suicide? A: almost every day but not really really. Doesn’t everyone?
A lot of people do, but not necessarily everyone. I think more people have these thoughts than it's socially okay to admit to, and also just because you have those thoughts doesn't necessarily mean that you're committed to the bit.
It's easy to do when you are in a situation that is not going to get better short of death, or you're really really really sick of trying to solve a problem like Maria (i.e. you not fitting with the world), or if you truly don't know how you are going to survive your current situation, which are the situations that have triggered me in this direction. Or if you come down with something that will kill you, but agonizingly slowly.
In what way does this count? Does it? Should I tell them? What will happen?
I will note that if you use the s-word a lot when calling, medical professionals will suddenly move heaven and earth to get you appointments. Even my HMO, which is notorious for not being great at that, seriously they got me on the phone with someone within an hour and booked me a counselor for the next morning when I was sobbing hysterically and admitting to the s-word thoughts.
Here's what happens after you say it (and they move their butts to get you someone to talk to): I've had this conversation oh, every few days for the last few weeks? They basically check to see if you have the means, opportunity and a plan to do it. Until you've got that, you have ye olde passive suicidal ideation and they are a lot less concerned about that. I keep having to say I don't have any weapons in the house and things like that, I don't have a plan as to how to do it, I am not an emergency concern right now just because I have the thoughts. Once you say that, they move on and don't seem to be that concerned. Once you get active about it, presumably that's when things escalate, but I can't speak to that. My new therapist was all, "I have been the person who's committed people, you're not that bad." The nice young men in the clean white coats will not be coming over to your house with a brand new jacket for saying you have the thoughts. (Either that or they can't figure out where I live.) As to why I don't have a plan or way to do it, Dorothy Parker's Resume sums it up. And I'm only sometimes in that mode, and it's because of my Very Bad Situation that I can't find a reasonable solution out of. Like I was totally fine last night at the theater. So make of this what you will.
Another example: Am I actually depressed if I can still (increasingly poorly) function even if I’m dragging myself through misery to do so?
Apparently yes.
I will say this: I am being FORCED to seek medication now. You have no idea how much I don't want to be doing this and how upset I am this morning taking my first depression med for the rest of my life and choking on it for a half hour and trying almost every trick on the "how to not gag on pills" thread recently that I could try (minus food substances that aren't in my house to try) and just not managing it. (Like, well, it's out of my mouth now but either I bit it or it just dissolved out of sheer exhaustion, I can't even tell you which.) I actually have had a much harder time at GETTING drugged than I expected. I seriously expected to have a prescription thrown at my head after about 15 minutes of talking, and that is indeed what happened yesterday, but I have spent the last few weeks Getting Help and frankly, it seems to depend on who you're talking to and what they are qualified to do for you. Regular ol' therapists without an MD will not be able to offer you drugs. The HMO screening counselor said she can't do that and I have to talk to my PCP because they prescribe drugs, supposedly the HMO won't let you see a psychiatrist re: drugs even though you hear your whole life it's only psychiatrists that prescribe drugs, the PCP I was assigned to was a jerk and just told me to go on workman's comp and that was not appropriate. I switched PCP's and then voila, here I am crying over trying to choke down a pill this morning. Success?!
Like compared to all of that shit, finding a therapist when mine announced her retirement was easy. As for finding one, depends on what your insurance will pay for (note: mine helpfully tracked me down some recommendations and I went from there), and then you contact them and see if you hit it off/they're willing to help/you can mutually fit into a schedule. Psychology Today lists therapists and what insurance they take and you can email/call them, I was also told to try https://lifestance.com/, which I ended up not doing but I will mention to others if that works. I got rejected for insurance confusion from the first one, I think the second one didn't like me too much personally (I'm told my saying "I can squeeze in an appointment before rehearsal" came off as offensive!) and turned me down, here I am with #3 out of the 4 recs I got.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:39 AM on November 4, 2023
Just chiming in to say: if a particular therapist doesn't work for you, you're totally allowed to just stop seeing them and find a new one! As many times as it takes! Which sounds exhausting, but my point is that if it's not doing much for you, it's usually just the wrong match (or right match, wrong time).
I am also (mostly) functioning with some mild depression & anxiety, and I have been in therapy on and off for probably 8 years, and it is incredibly helpful even though I am (mostly) not paralyzed by it all.
Lots of love to you, friend. YES you should go and YES you deserve it! I think everyone should and I wish everyone could! AND it benefits those around you just as much as you, in my experience. So look at it as a public service. :)
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 11:07 AM on November 4, 2023
I am also (mostly) functioning with some mild depression & anxiety, and I have been in therapy on and off for probably 8 years, and it is incredibly helpful even though I am (mostly) not paralyzed by it all.
Lots of love to you, friend. YES you should go and YES you deserve it! I think everyone should and I wish everyone could! AND it benefits those around you just as much as you, in my experience. So look at it as a public service. :)
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 11:07 AM on November 4, 2023
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posted by restless_nomad at 2:25 PM on November 3, 2023 [29 favorites]