How can I find out if someone is still alive?

October 17, 2023 6:22 PM

I am estranged from a family member. It's not possible to reconcile, but I would like to know if they are alive or dead. I (and they) are in the US. I have the following information: first/middle/last name, given last name, DOB, several addresses, including what I think is their current and/or last address. I do not have social security number or phone number. What non-spammy service should I use to do a public records search for them? I don't mind paying, I just don't want to get scammed.

This has nothing to do with inheritance or money or anything. I just want to know if my Grandma is alive. She would be 100 years old now. Please believe me that we cannot reconcile and please do not send me suggestions to make "one last effort" or to "think how I'll feel when she's gone." I have and I have. I just want to know.

posted by OrangeDisk to Law & Government (5 answers total)

This sounds like a difficult situation. Here are a couple of free, open sites you might check:

voterrecords.com has active voter listings for 19 different states.
findagrave.com has a search function where you can search cemetery listings by name, state, and DOB, and you can also search by family member. All the records are from volunteers, though, so I've found it's not always complete.
posted by mochapickle at 6:51 PM on October 17, 2023 [3 favorites]

A few Metafilter members have used me for this, pro bono. I am not a private detective, but have several decades of experience tracking down individuals. Memail me.
posted by Glomar response at 6:52 PM on October 17, 2023 [44 favorites]

Sorry to state the obvious, but have you Googled "Firstname Lastname obituary"? The only results for my Grandmother, who died 20 years ago, are her obituary and public birth, death and marriage records.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:49 AM on October 18, 2023 [16 favorites]

The Social Security Death Index is on Ancestry.com and FamilySearch. You don't need to know their actual social security number to find people. You can search with as little as a first and last name or add in city or state that they may have died in, and even birth date if you have it.
posted by teleri025 at 9:27 AM on October 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

This was an illustrative challenge. At 100 years old, folks leave very faint traces, generally. I think we did very well.

It was gratifying to give OrangeDisk a lot more information about her family member. Since I was a child, I have lived with the sense of loss and loneliness that comes from not being part of family. It is heavy. Helping helps.

I love my work, because it is about making connections more robust and giving people support to do courageous things or navigate the world with less confusion.
posted by Glomar response at 5:59 AM on October 21, 2023 [3 favorites]