Looking for self-help books for couples who started as an affair.
August 23, 2023 5:37 AM Subscribe
Ten years ago, we both cheated on our spouses with each other. We got married soon after. Our marriage has been mostly great, but (surprise!) some of our conflicts are rooted in trust / guilt issues stemming from the affair. Help us find a self-help book that addresses our situation.
There are lots of books about how to work through being cheated on, and I've seen some about how to work through repairing a marriage when you're the cheater. But I haven't been able to find any that talk about how to work through issues that might come up because you both cheated.
Our marriage isn't rocky or doomed or anything, so an ideal resource would take more of an "all married couples have conflicts, here's how to navigate your variety" approach, and not "marriages that come from affairs never work, so here's how to minimize your inevitable misery." Also, we do plan to seek in-person therapy soon.
There are lots of books about how to work through being cheated on, and I've seen some about how to work through repairing a marriage when you're the cheater. But I haven't been able to find any that talk about how to work through issues that might come up because you both cheated.
Our marriage isn't rocky or doomed or anything, so an ideal resource would take more of an "all married couples have conflicts, here's how to navigate your variety" approach, and not "marriages that come from affairs never work, so here's how to minimize your inevitable misery." Also, we do plan to seek in-person therapy soon.
Seconding the Esther Perel recommendation -- both the book socky_puppy recommended and also her podcast -- she actually has an episode about a couple that started as an affair.
You may also find helpful the later parts of "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mia Kirshenbaum. It's a good resource, and she does not have a judgmental tone, although she focuses more on the end of the original marriages than long-term future with the new partner.
posted by virve at 7:07 AM on August 23, 2023 [4 favorites]
You may also find helpful the later parts of "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mia Kirshenbaum. It's a good resource, and she does not have a judgmental tone, although she focuses more on the end of the original marriages than long-term future with the new partner.
posted by virve at 7:07 AM on August 23, 2023 [4 favorites]
Came here to recommend Esther Perel! She’s my favorite.
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:37 AM on August 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:37 AM on August 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Hm, maybe Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson? I confess I haven't read it but I did listen to this talk which was fantastic :) https://youtu.be/bHa9_hYSSBQ?si=OhDok2vzNEPwPvIe
posted by foxjacket at 2:56 PM on August 24, 2023
posted by foxjacket at 2:56 PM on August 24, 2023
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posted by socky_puppy at 5:52 AM on August 23, 2023 [6 favorites]