How do I let go and enjoy?

May 1, 2006 3:17 PM

Last minute nerves and etiquette filter. I am soon to be heading overseas to stay with a friend I have not seen in many years. Whilst I am excited there is also a growing sense of nervousness. I will be staying for two weeks and I am aware this is a long period of time. I am quite a quiet and shy person and this sometime is mistaken for arrogance. How do I go about letting go of the anxiety, make a good impression, and, thus, remember this trip for all the right reasons?
posted by numberstation to human relations (11 comments total)

Insight meditation. Focus on your breathing and the very moment you are immersed in. Actually listen to what your friend says. Take in the smells, sights and sounds. Don't make judgements, don't think about anything, just live in the moment. Stay with your breath.

Anxiety happens when we think too much. Thinking can be the source of alot of suffering!
posted by rinkjustice at 3:37 PM on May 1, 2006

Maybe you can purchase a journal and make some notes to yourself about potential conversation topics. Think about all the things that have happened to you--and you friend--since the last time you talked. Think about things that interest you both. Think about things you did together a long time ago that you can bring up as fond memories.

You can you use this as an exercise so that you're ready to slide back into friendly open conversations when you meet again.
posted by divka at 3:59 PM on May 1, 2006

I'm not sure how quiet and shy = arrogance. Arrogance implies a rudeness, a not caring of how other people think and a self-involvement that borders upon narcissism.

Listen, you're going to be in a new place and you're going to be older. Right there, you got two humbling experiences. Succumb to that instinct and I'll think you'll be fine.

Also, try to imagine yourself there to help the anxiety. And, I'd say speak what you think (if you're not truly arrogrant it will go over well). And, well, I can be shy too and I know its tough to just really say what's on your mind. But, if you do and you're a nice person, it turns out well. If the fear of what other people will say is what contributes to your shyness, then forget about that too. Why? Because a good trip will be had if you are yourself. And good friends are had the same way too.
posted by skepticallypleased at 4:12 PM on May 1, 2006

why not get a nice little etiquette book to bring with you. you can look at it regularly for guidance. i love miss manners (judith martin) because she tells you not just the formal actions and speech that should be made, but also the underlying attitudes and reasons. you can be shy and quiet, but by saying the right things and showing courtesy and thoughtfulness, and gratitude to your hosts, be very charming.

she has a lot to say about being a houseguest as well as a host. her best books are really big and clunky "guide for the turn of the millenium" and "guide to excruciatingly correct behavior" (which may have a lot of the same content, i am not sure) so you would be best to absorb the pertinent parts ahead of time, rather than taking it with you. she also has more portable books, like her "basic training: the right thing to say."
posted by overanxious ducksqueezer at 4:30 PM on May 1, 2006

Smile a lot. Even a forced and nervous smile is more charming than a dour grimace, and you'll find other people returning your smile, which will make you smile more sincerely. Smiling also helps your voice to sound more friendly. And there's been evidence that smiling, even 'forced', makes you more relaxed and happy.
posted by Rubber Soul at 5:00 PM on May 1, 2006

For most people two weeks is a long time to stay with someone you are not intimate with. As a frequent host I often find the hardest thing is asking for and getting a bit of space. I love my friends but I also need to just slob out a bit during the week. This is particularly true if they are on vacation and I am not.Try to plan some full days and/or evenings out on your own so that you can both get a break from each other and maybe even miss each other a bit. If your friend watches tv try to find out what shows they will want to stay in for and leave them to it or join them quietly. While making dinner is always nice one friend always goes shopping while we're at work so that we come home to a near buffet of all the best our city has to offer. She's our favorite guest! Another buys flowers not as a 'gift' but just to put in the flat. Anything that lightens the load is wonderful and if you aren't that verbal such acts will likely make up the difference.
posted by anglophiliated at 5:04 PM on May 1, 2006

Have a plan B. Seriously, it will ease your mind knowing that if things don't work out in the first few days you can still go out and about and enjoy your trip.
posted by furtive at 5:32 PM on May 1, 2006

Bring a nice house gift.

Make an effort to socialize

Offer to: a. do the laundry, b. cook a meal, c. mop the floor d. clean the bathroom.

Be sure to take your friend to dinner

Bring home flowers one day

Give your friend space, s/he is not used to having you around either

Plan to go away a few days (to visit other firends, go to a nearby town, etc.) to explore and give both of you a break
posted by zia at 9:46 PM on May 1, 2006

First and foremost, read this.

Then, you should start practicing extraverted behavior. Go to the mall (one not in your home town, if that makes you feel more comfortable), and just try locking eye contact with passerby, smiling at them, and greeting them. Go poke around in some stores and ask the salespeople some questions--after all, their job is to talk to you.

Now that you're warmed up, take off your wristwatch and ask someone for the time of day, and compliment an item of apparel he/she is wearing. You'll find out that it's not especially hard to strike up a conversation, even with a stranger.

Another secret is that you don't actually have to be interesting to make a positive impression--get your conversation partner to say interesting things (it doesn't particularly matter what the subject is, just so long as s/he is passionate when telling you about it--like the computer program ELIZA), and you're in. This trick also works quite well for job interviews--if you can ask the interviewer a question that leads to a conversation (preferably a work-related one, but it doesn't really matter), then congratulations--you've just achieved rapport.

biochemical interventions may help (oxytocin nasal spray if you really want to get fancy, otherwise benzodiazapines or alcohol [but please, not mixed.])

ask your doctor
posted by LimePi at 12:29 AM on May 2, 2006

Thank you for all your considered responses it is much appreciated. Skepticallypleased, you are correct in that arrogance is probably not the correct term, it is more aloofness I guess. Oh and rinkjustice I know all about the problems of thinking too much. It is the most common comment people make about me 'you think too much' and I agree completley.
posted by numberstation at 2:23 AM on May 2, 2006

numberstation, how about emailing your friend to let him/her know you're a little anxious because of a little social phobia (this is someone that knows you, right?)?

that way your being quiet won't be misconstrued and your friend will understand you if you also need/want to be alone a few hours every day (when u read/watch tv/explore on your own). it's also wise to think ahead what you would like to do (i've noticed that tensions and fears are more likely to spring up when i'm being passive).

enjoy! (and don't batter yourself for being tense).
posted by mirileh at 3:48 AM on May 2, 2006