how to set a boundary around friends not getting you sick

June 23, 2023 10:34 AM

I cannot believe I am asking this 3+ years into COVID but... I am home sick this weekend when I should be out performing my creative work, all because a friend hung out with my partner while she had a scratchy throat, who then passed it on to me. Help!

These little bugs always hit me harder than others so I'm out of commission, now have to fuss with testing around COVID, strep, etc., and am concerned about doing international travel in just a few days.

I'm extremely angry about this and am looking for a script I can say to friends as a reminder to not physically meet with me or my partner while they have any physical symptoms. Something along the lines of "if you're physically ill in any way, it's not worth it to spend time together, please make this hangout a phone call," but nicer. I don't really care about offending people but my partner is definitely one to keep the peace / let things slide. So I will probably go directly to the friend about this.

It happened to me with one of my friends last fall as well and I got really angry again, but lacked a script and just started slow fading the friendship kind of inadvertently, so a script would be really great.

Thanks for any help!

posted by internet of pillows to Human Relations (18 answers total)

This is a tough one because

1. You can't say it was this person for sure. Depending on your lifestyle, if you commute/work in the office/eat out, you are accepting a risk that you will get sick. Yes, it's highly likely that it was them but not really a claim that you can make.
2. This is your partner's friend. So kind of on them to decide and communicate. It would be very odd if I heard from a friend's partner about their preferences on how I spend time with their friend.

I don't think a script will do you favors here and will likely just torpedo the friendship (unless you're fine with that)?

The bigger thing is - this really seems to be a conversation with you and your partner. Did your partner know? If they did, why did they go ahead? Why aren't they managing this conversation with them?

And how are you (realistically) going to manage risks in a world chock full of viruses and bacteria? You can't really do one off comms, but if you extremely susceptible, then maybe you need to develop your own guardrails about what you expose yourself to, and communicate broadly with a tight inner circle what you need?
posted by treetop89 at 10:41 AM on June 23, 2023 [26 favorites]

Response by poster: Not to threadsit but to clarify the relationship-

we are somewhat independently friends, but primarily it’s my partner’s friend. She’s in a couple and the two couples e.g. do christmas together, so fairly close.

No issue having the conversation via my partner but this is really more my thing / boundary so I’m happy to own any awkwardness around it.
posted by internet of pillows at 10:47 AM on June 23, 2023

> And how are you (realistically) going to manage risks in a world chock full of viruses and bacteria? You can't really do one off comms, but if you extremely susceptible, then maybe you need to develop your own guardrails about what you expose yourself to, and communicate broadly with a tight inner circle what you need?

I don't think this is fair, and it is a slippery-slope derail when a specific friend hung out despite having symptoms of an infection.

I agree with treetop89 that this is a conversation for your partner to have. They can say to that friend in as low-key of a manner as possible, "Hey, I got sick last time we hung out and was stuck at home the whole weekend. Next time if you have symptoms of something, I'd rather us hang out on phone call or something. Partner especially gets hit hard by small bugs. Now, how are (subject change)?"
posted by watermelon at 10:50 AM on June 23, 2023 [12 favorites]

As a clinically, permanently immunosuppressed person, I recognize and totally get your anger; I just wonder if it's not misplaced a bit, and whether it isn't masking the hurt you legitimately feel at your dearest person disregarding your needs.

Your partner is the one who brought it home; they're second in line after you in terms of prevention. It's one thing to want to keep the peace with outside people, but another thing altogether to prioritize the potential momentary annoyance of others over your partner's well-being.
posted by headnsouth at 10:50 AM on June 23, 2023 [19 favorites]

I feel your frustration as well - there is such a difference in the expectations, and I know that I am far on the careful side.

What I have mostly found to be well received is taking a deliberately cheerful tone, phrasing your statement as "If you have any symptoms, I'd be happy to hang out over discord/facetime/service instead. We're being careful about covid still, and I know it isn't quite the same, but I still want to find a way to connect and keep safe." It's definitely on the "guess" side of communication styles, but the message has been clearly received when I've used it.

Sometimes that means doing something slightly different as an activity, so having some shared activities that can be done remotely to suggest is good to have in your back pocket. That could be anything like watching a show at the same time and chatting, playing an online game together, etc.
posted by past unusual at 10:51 AM on June 23, 2023 [5 favorites]

I am a person who is probably somewhere in the middle in terms of caution around spreading germs, with a lot of friends who are on the more cautious end. For me, it very much helps to know those friends are cautious and that they would like to know if I'm experiencing any symptoms. So that can be accomplished just by asking, something like "hey, I've got some important travel coming up (or whatever), can you let me know before we hang out if you're having any symptoms of illness?" Honestly, people have such different levels of risk tolerance, and germ spreading is obviously so fraught now, I think most reasonable people just want to know how their friends feel and what their friends' boundaries are. I also think it's totally reasonable to ask people to take a rapid COVID test before hanging out, or asking people to wear a mask if we're hanging out inside, regardless of symptoms.

I don't think you need to say something like "it's not worth hanging out if you have a scratchy throat" - that's implied by asking them to tell you and I think it could be needlessly hurtful. Just tell them what you need to feel comfortable hanging out. And work out with your partner what those boundaries are so you're both on the same page.
posted by lunasol at 11:11 AM on June 23, 2023 [8 favorites]

I'm going to nth that this is very hard in this situation. It's going to sound like you want to set boundaries for your partner, your partner isn't going to respect those boundaries, so now you are going to partner's friend to tell them what your rules for hanging with partner are.

The one situation I can see where this might be broached socially is if the four of you are all together. You can bring it up as a general thing: Colds are higher risk and higher impact for me, so when planning future hangouts can we agree to ground rules that any symptoms at all mean we cancel, no questions asked? I'd still find it hard to explicitly add "even if I'm not going to be there anyway" but it might, at least, make it easier for your partner to stick to these rules.
posted by mark k at 11:13 AM on June 23, 2023 [5 favorites]

It's kind of like sex in an open relationship.

Imagine a chain like this:
-You (A)
-Your partner (B)
-Your partner's other partner (C)
-Your partner's other partner's partner (D)

You have zero control over what precautions person C takes when they have sex with person D, and you likely have very little influence.

You also have zero control over what precautions person B takes when they have sex with person C, though since B is your direct partner, you might have some influence - "hey B, I'd prefer it if you use barriers with person C" - but you still don't have control over it in the moment.

Where you do have control is when A (you) and B (partner) are having sex. You have every right to insist on barriers with partner B if that's your preference, whether or not they use barriers with C.

To bring this analogy back around to your question, with the same set of players:
-You can't control if C does or doesn't see D when one of them is sick
-You can't control if B does or doesn't see C when one of them is sick, but you can share your concerns
-You *can* control your interactions with B, by masking if you feel like they may have had an unsafe exposure.

Does it suck to mask around your partner, especially if you co-habitate? Sure. But it's the option that is within the sphere of your control.
posted by okayokayigive at 11:16 AM on June 23, 2023 [6 favorites]

Despite being fully vaccinated and careful, I got Covid in April and it was a really bad case, almost requiring hospitalization. The longer effects have been terrible, so I totally understand not wanting to catch this ever.

Having said that, all I can say is that you need to wear a mask. That's really it. When hanging with others, wear a mask. It's not fair to ask people with likely allergies or sniffles to stay away from you.

If you're worried, get that mask back on.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:25 AM on June 23, 2023 [5 favorites]

When I have some big event (like international travel or a performance) coming up, I take extra care to minimize my exposure to germs. I wear masks even within my own home, for example, because my kids go to school and bring back germs galore all the time. I do ask my kids to wear masks at school too but (a) they sometimes really hate having to wear a mask, and (b) I understand that they will take those masks off during lunch and gym. So I need to mask up around them no matter what.

If I'm seeing a friend, I check with them to make sure they haven't been ill recently and haven't been exposed to anyone's illness recently. I ask my boyfriend to isolate/mask up as well, and I explicitly remind him every single time before we meet up to let me know if he has taken off his mask around other people (especially those who have fallen ill). The responsibility to ask and communicate and remind is all mine. It's not anybody else's fault if I don't do these things and then I fall sick because a bug was spread to me by someone twice removed.

I can 100% empathize with your feelings of frustration. It's a huge bummer that you have to miss your event and may have your international trip in jeopardy because of this mishap. But it is just a mishap. It's nobody's fault, and if anyone was responsible for checking and doublechecking exposure, it was you. I know it sucks, and I'm sorry! Please take care, rest up, and hopefully you'll feel better in time for your trip.
posted by MiraK at 11:25 AM on June 23, 2023 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I am immune compromised and have navigated this for like a decade. I reach out ahead of any hang and just ask “hey, just checking in on how you’re doing! You know how I catch anything and everything, should we postpone?”

I have a thriving social life. You do really have to ask every time for a pretty long time. There are a few people that I don’t feel the need to ask anymore, but it’s because they volunteer if they aren’t feeling well or have been exposed to something.

I also nth the suggestion that you wear a mask, and in particular in the run up to big things you don’t want to miss and ask your partner to mask as well. It is really incredibly effective. I wore a cambridge mask and now n95 or p100s for years even before covid and they absolutely do their job. One way masking isn’t as effective, but you can make up for that by wearing a better mask. I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well! Floflex seems to be most effective at picking up current variants.
posted by Bottlecap at 11:38 AM on June 23, 2023 [26 favorites]

Best answer: Other folks have provided the sorts of scripts I would use. But I want to strongly advise you not to have this conversation for your partner. Your partner either needs to get on board with protecting you at the level you need, or you need to develop strategies to protect yourself from your partner. Telling people, "You can't hang out with my partner unless X and Y" comes across as controlling and abusive to your partner.

(In addition it sounds like you may plan to talk to this particular person about it now, and that is not productive. It's too late. Instead, check in immediately before you're going to see someone, each and every time because they might forget or not register a symptom as potentially contagious without a specific prompt.)
posted by metasarah at 11:52 AM on June 23, 2023 [12 favorites]

I'm sorry; this sounds very frustrating for you. You cannot go to a third party and tell them not to spend time with your partner, even if it's for a perfectly understandable reason. These are both competent adults we're talking about here. Your partner needs to be communicating that request, every time. If your partner's not doing that, then you need to be getting them on the same page with you. They don't get to keep the peace at your expense!
posted by praemunire at 11:54 AM on June 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

I struggle with similar questions, and I haven't come up with an answer that works in all situations (for a definition of "works" that includes (1) clearly communicating the concern so people would cooperate, (2) avoiding an impact on the relationship, (3) not making me worry about how people will perceive me - especially given current public option about COVID being "over").

But I thought I'd mention a great book about boundaries that I came across this week, "Empowered Boundaries." It helps lay out processes people can go through by themselves and with their support system to work through challenges to setting boundaries.

Hope you find a way to communicate with your partner and your friends that works for you!
posted by fiatlux at 12:25 PM on June 23, 2023

I’m very sorry. Your friend absolutely fucked up here, but a lot of the onus needs to be on your partner to be checking in with people before meeting them about how they’re feeling, if it’s particularly important to avoid illness. If he won’t do that, you have a bigger problem than any particular friend.

On the “how to do it” piece, we still take covid tests before unmasked indoor time with friends, and ask them to do the same. As a side effect, that opens up a window for a “hey, test results are clear and we’re all feeling healthy, can’t wait to see you later!” check-in. I know we’re in the minority at this point and I’m not suggesting you revert to testing before every visit if that’s not where your risk level is and/or your concerns are much broader than covid, but a check in before the visit is perfectly reasonable when getting sick is a really bad situation for you. But again: your partner has to initiate that, consistently, for a really long time and maybe forever.
posted by Stacey at 12:39 PM on June 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I cannot believe I am asking this 3+ years into COVID bu

Unfortunately I think a lot of people have decided to get back to "normal," and depending on where you are, that may mean pushing through whatever illness you have to show how committed you are to your job, friends, etc. It's not healthy and it sucks. In some cases, people may have been raised to discount their health, so there's an added layer of unawareness.

Most healthcare places around me are still doing Covid symptom checks before appointments. I'd try channeling that. Not necessarily asking direct questions about symptoms, although perhaps some friends wouldn't mind or would appreciate knowing what you think is a risk factor. But more in making it routine for you to have a matter of fact explicit check-in prior to hanging out. It would probably help If you could preface "Hey, I got a big event this week and I have to stay healthy. I'm happy to reschedule if you're under the weather or there is even a slight chance you have a cold."

Also, you could think about how you cancel when you're under the weather. If you don't already, be explicit that you're cancelling because you don't feel well and you don't want to get anyone else sick. Hopefully friends will then start to recognize this is important to you and start being proactive, at least for their visits with you.
posted by ghost phoneme at 1:12 PM on June 23, 2023 [2 favorites]

Mod note: One snarky comment removed . Please stick to Content Policy for Ask Metafilter and "address the main question being asked"
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 8:36 AM on June 24, 2023

I wrote a blog post that covers what I do and what I ask others (whom I am seeing in person) to do in order to mitigate the risk of catching or transmitting COVID. Then, when I am going to see someone, I send them a link to that post along with a quick summary of what I am asking of them, via text or email. If my partner is seeing someone in person then he knows what my requests are, and if he wants to take more risks then he and I negotiate that, e.g., maybe I stay with other cautious friends for a few days as he isolates in the apartment after a high-exposure trip.
posted by brainwane at 8:58 PM on July 6, 2023 [1 favorite]