Should I give up on friendship?
March 22, 2012 9:20 AM Subscribe
I am angry at everyone who tries to be friendly with me because of a repeated thing that has happened to me socially and with my family as well. I really don't want to become bitter and friendless but I either feel like I'm putting on an act or I get angry.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
Whenever I have ever understood or felt like I fit into a group, something happened to make me unwelcome there. Sometimes it was at least partly my fault, but a few times it was one person spreading rumors like a power play (or because I would not date them). I often end up with a few friendships with people in the group, but it stings to be excluded from many things and I have to limit these friendships so I can move on.
I do not trust anyone in my immediate family. The explanation most vivid of my family is a voicemail that my mother left me just to say hello, how are you - then, when she thought she had hung up the phone, she tore into me and spoke of the horror I was for three minutes straight.
Even with that I used to be able to trust people, but some bad experiences and an absolutely disastrous romantic relationship later I find myself having an angry reaction against people who are becoming increasingly close to me.
I meet many people through my work, which is somewhat in the public eye, and some of them are interesting and nice people (or are they nice?) At this point, I have people who are basically the fans who do not know much about me that I can have drinks with or go to a concert with and have a superficial conversation. It is ultimately empty and unilateral. Then I have people I want to be friends with. I spend time with them, but the more time I spend with them the more I start to become uncomfortable with them and finally actively find reasons to hate them.
Of course I want friends. I do not want to be a cynical asshole. I have no one to share or anyone to be honest with and it is deeply isolating. It is sad.
I know many people will say therapy, but I had a bad couple of therapists, including a psychiatrist who really abused my confidence for money when I was desperate and in a new city. I had a good therapist that I kept seeing and we were making progress so I quit...again having trouble trusting. It also seems risky. Right now I am at least functional on the outside and can do my job, which took a lot of work after the romantic relationship gone bad. The idea of trusting a therapist and being rejected or having them talk behind my back or be deceived again ... I do not think I could go from there. I also assume that the therapist will hate me.
Is there some way I can tell if people will really be good, honest and loyal friends? Some way back to trust people? Can I learn to be happy with unilateral relationships?
I have almost given up on romantic relationships. Nobody is particularly wanting to date me and if it seems like they are it makes me really angry. Same problem.
Thank you for any help.