Should I end this friendship that is draining me?
April 25, 2023 6:20 AM
My one older friend has been struggling with depression and other health issues for a few years now and it has only gotten worse from here. I am not sure if I should complete end the friendship or simply distance myself and set boundaries.
My friend for about a year has been struggling with mental health and other ongoing issues and he is not really seeking help to fix his problems but dumps all his issues on me and other friends and I am not a therapist and I feel drained. Lately all he does is talk about his problems and rarely asks about me—it’s not even the friend I know anymore but his mental illness has taken over his mind. And I do not want to call it self absorbed but it is a little when all he does it talk about himself and his problems—I went to his house and for two hours it was all about him. I am not sure if I should completely drop him or encourage him to seek therapy. I have recommended therapy and many other therapeutic outlets but he simply does nothing to help his sadness and issues. I don’t know what severe mental health is like so I cannot imagine what he is going through but it is emotionally draining and taxing at times.
I am not sure how to politely ask to cut down on talking about his problems and about himself all the time without being curt. Or if I should completely end it all together. He has a kind soul and is very intelligent and interesting but his mental health and sadness has robbed his personality and happiness.
My friend for about a year has been struggling with mental health and other ongoing issues and he is not really seeking help to fix his problems but dumps all his issues on me and other friends and I am not a therapist and I feel drained. Lately all he does is talk about his problems and rarely asks about me—it’s not even the friend I know anymore but his mental illness has taken over his mind. And I do not want to call it self absorbed but it is a little when all he does it talk about himself and his problems—I went to his house and for two hours it was all about him. I am not sure if I should completely drop him or encourage him to seek therapy. I have recommended therapy and many other therapeutic outlets but he simply does nothing to help his sadness and issues. I don’t know what severe mental health is like so I cannot imagine what he is going through but it is emotionally draining and taxing at times.
I am not sure how to politely ask to cut down on talking about his problems and about himself all the time without being curt. Or if I should completely end it all together. He has a kind soul and is very intelligent and interesting but his mental health and sadness has robbed his personality and happiness.
What would you want out of ending this friendship that wouldn't happen in distancing yourself and setting a boundary? Is that about you or is it about him? I think it's healthy to set that boundary and encourage people to see professional therapy/counseling/etc. Maybe even offer to help him navigate that space to get started?
If you still value his friendship, are there ways to do things together that can keep you grounded in something you both enjoy? These could be activities or outings, but they could also be small group hangouts where it's easier to steer conversations.
posted by advicepig at 7:43 AM on April 25, 2023
If you still value his friendship, are there ways to do things together that can keep you grounded in something you both enjoy? These could be activities or outings, but they could also be small group hangouts where it's easier to steer conversations.
posted by advicepig at 7:43 AM on April 25, 2023
I like what RajahKing said!
I also think that, sometimes, you can't communicate things through words -- especially if someone's going through something that's ruminating well. I believe that this is precisely because rumination and self-absorption are words/language/thought-based, already. Words will easily feed back into someone's cycles of rumination.
Once I was going through something difficult and sharing to a friend, but was starting to rant/ruminate. After about an hour of me dumping my heart out, my friend said that he wanted to go on a walk and continue this conversation. So I followed, and continued to talk, but he also started pointing out some stars and landmarks in the distance. The movement, the walk, the fresh air, and the stars, allowed me some perspective that let me shift out of the rumination I had been doing. He didn't explicitly say that he was doing these things at the time, but I understood later that this was his intention.
In my experience, bodily movement and being outside is a, quite seriously, a huge component of improving mental health. Whenever someone is ruminating, they are usually physically stuck in a single, familiar place -- a familiar chair, bed, couch, room.
- Can you go for a walk? If there are mobility issues present, could you go for a slow drive? You don't have to frame it as a therapeutic one, just that this is what you want. The key is to also do something that you want - an outing, an experience, a visit to a movie theatre, etc.
And if your friend doesn't want to go for a walk / there are real barriers to going outside or taking a walk/drive, then, well, perhaps these are some of the endemic problems that are generating his mental illness in the first place that might need addressing.
tldr: Instead of simply ending the friendship, maybe try shaping it on your terms in a way that might work for you, including activities that you would enjoy + that might also take his attention off of rumination.
posted by many more sunsets at 7:46 AM on April 25, 2023
I also think that, sometimes, you can't communicate things through words -- especially if someone's going through something that's ruminating well. I believe that this is precisely because rumination and self-absorption are words/language/thought-based, already. Words will easily feed back into someone's cycles of rumination.
Once I was going through something difficult and sharing to a friend, but was starting to rant/ruminate. After about an hour of me dumping my heart out, my friend said that he wanted to go on a walk and continue this conversation. So I followed, and continued to talk, but he also started pointing out some stars and landmarks in the distance. The movement, the walk, the fresh air, and the stars, allowed me some perspective that let me shift out of the rumination I had been doing. He didn't explicitly say that he was doing these things at the time, but I understood later that this was his intention.
In my experience, bodily movement and being outside is a, quite seriously, a huge component of improving mental health. Whenever someone is ruminating, they are usually physically stuck in a single, familiar place -- a familiar chair, bed, couch, room.
- Can you go for a walk? If there are mobility issues present, could you go for a slow drive? You don't have to frame it as a therapeutic one, just that this is what you want. The key is to also do something that you want - an outing, an experience, a visit to a movie theatre, etc.
And if your friend doesn't want to go for a walk / there are real barriers to going outside or taking a walk/drive, then, well, perhaps these are some of the endemic problems that are generating his mental illness in the first place that might need addressing.
tldr: Instead of simply ending the friendship, maybe try shaping it on your terms in a way that might work for you, including activities that you would enjoy + that might also take his attention off of rumination.
posted by many more sunsets at 7:46 AM on April 25, 2023
How would you want your friend to respond if the shoe was on the other foot?
I'd rather a friend be curt with me than simply abandon me because I have mental health issues. I think a friend would push for therapy before cutting someone out of their life. It's kind of unclear from your question whether you've done this or not because you say you've recommended therapy but then pose the choice of dropping him or recommending therapy.
If you've called this pattern out and said clearly that they need to seek therapy, then there's only so much you can do. It might help if you clearly state that the relationship seems one-sided, and has for a while, and that needs to change.
If your friend won't seek therapy or try to address their problems and continues to be draining, then I would consider distancing myself.
It's not your job to tend to other people's mental health, but my general parameters for friendship include at least trying to guide someone in the right direction before calling it quits. That's what I'd want from a friend.
This all assumes that your friend's behavior is in no way abusive or actively harmful to you. If it is, then I'd say dropping it or setting boundaries without a conversation is totally warranted.
posted by jzb at 8:02 AM on April 25, 2023
I'd rather a friend be curt with me than simply abandon me because I have mental health issues. I think a friend would push for therapy before cutting someone out of their life. It's kind of unclear from your question whether you've done this or not because you say you've recommended therapy but then pose the choice of dropping him or recommending therapy.
If you've called this pattern out and said clearly that they need to seek therapy, then there's only so much you can do. It might help if you clearly state that the relationship seems one-sided, and has for a while, and that needs to change.
If your friend won't seek therapy or try to address their problems and continues to be draining, then I would consider distancing myself.
It's not your job to tend to other people's mental health, but my general parameters for friendship include at least trying to guide someone in the right direction before calling it quits. That's what I'd want from a friend.
This all assumes that your friend's behavior is in no way abusive or actively harmful to you. If it is, then I'd say dropping it or setting boundaries without a conversation is totally warranted.
posted by jzb at 8:02 AM on April 25, 2023
I think if a long-term friendship is otherwise sound and the friend has lapsed into a behavior that you find disagreeable but isn't inherently abusive, you should gently let the friend know and, if it seems necessary, be explicit about withdrawing yourself from it when it happens. If they don't make efforts to stop it, then it's okay to fade away, but long-term friendships are valuable enough to make the awkward effort to use your words to save them. In other words...I agree with RajahKing.
posted by praemunire at 8:05 AM on April 25, 2023
posted by praemunire at 8:05 AM on April 25, 2023
If your previous suggestions of therapy were mild, like "Hey, have you ever considered talking to a professional about this?" and not suggesting potential consequences like "Hey, you're a valuable friend to me, but if every time we hang out the conversation is mostly about your problems, eventually I'm likely to distance myself from you - and it's likely that will be true for your other friends too" then first step is to be a bit more assertive.
I was also going to suggest what many more sunsets said - start planning your hangouts to be more active/public. Going on a walk is great, or going to a museum, a play, seeing a movie, take an adult education class together, whatever - something that isn't just the two of your sitting will be more conducive to not ending in an emotional dump on you.
And yeah, I think the greatest gift a long-term friend can give to someone like your friend is being very direct - even if you eventually end up walking away from the friendship, they should know why - it will at least plant a seed of understanding of the stakes involved in not addressing their mental health.
posted by coffeecat at 8:12 AM on April 25, 2023
I was also going to suggest what many more sunsets said - start planning your hangouts to be more active/public. Going on a walk is great, or going to a museum, a play, seeing a movie, take an adult education class together, whatever - something that isn't just the two of your sitting will be more conducive to not ending in an emotional dump on you.
And yeah, I think the greatest gift a long-term friend can give to someone like your friend is being very direct - even if you eventually end up walking away from the friendship, they should know why - it will at least plant a seed of understanding of the stakes involved in not addressing their mental health.
posted by coffeecat at 8:12 AM on April 25, 2023
It could be helpful to discuss the impact it has on you- "Sometimes I feel drained by our talks. I care about you and want to help, but it gets to be a bit overwhelming because I really feel for you, and also get down about what you're going through.. I don't want you to not talk to me, but is it ok that I let you know when I need a break or am not up for talking?"
You can also ask them to check with you if they are going to talk about something heavy and see if you're in the right headspace for it.
posted by bearette at 8:35 AM on April 25, 2023
You can also ask them to check with you if they are going to talk about something heavy and see if you're in the right headspace for it.
posted by bearette at 8:35 AM on April 25, 2023
If you're ok with a more one sided relationship for the moment, it is ok to figure out how much time you can/are willing to give and stick to that.
Tell him you have 20 mins at the beginning of the call, tell him you only have 5 more mins after 15 mins. Tell him you now have to do something else and end the call after 20 mins. Put a limit on length of physical meetings as well.
And if you aren't in the right frame of mind to listen you're not available to talk or meet that day.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:46 AM on April 25, 2023
Tell him you have 20 mins at the beginning of the call, tell him you only have 5 more mins after 15 mins. Tell him you now have to do something else and end the call after 20 mins. Put a limit on length of physical meetings as well.
And if you aren't in the right frame of mind to listen you're not available to talk or meet that day.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:46 AM on April 25, 2023
Being severely depressed is like having your legs vanish, and then everyone around you saying things like, "Why do you keep going on about how you have no legs anymore?" or "You should focus on the positive. You still have arms! Some people have no extremities at all." or, "Just stand up already. If you really believe in yourself, you can do it!"
Can you help him, instead? Say "Do you think you might be depressed? Let's take this online test together." Presumably, he'll be "diagnosed" by the test, which can in itself be a huge relief because it means there's a reason his legs disappeared, and a path to getting them back. Because he can tell that he's unable to walk and carry his weight. He just literally cannot ignore the fact that he used to have legs, and now does not.
Then, ask him how he wants to adress the depression, which is a medical problem and does need a professional's attention. Present a couple options: Appointment with his GP, appointment with a licensed therapist, appointment with psychiatrist. Then help him make the calls or send the emails to get an appointment. This is the hardest part, and it's something that is literally impossible to do when your brain is sick enough.
Lastly, follow up a few days later. Ask if he's heard back, and when his appointment is set. Check in regularly, and encourage him to set up a system so people reach out to him regularly.
He needs help. If you can't provide it, that's okay, but it would be a tremendous kindness to help him access other help before pulling back.
posted by toucan at 10:26 AM on April 25, 2023
Can you help him, instead? Say "Do you think you might be depressed? Let's take this online test together." Presumably, he'll be "diagnosed" by the test, which can in itself be a huge relief because it means there's a reason his legs disappeared, and a path to getting them back. Because he can tell that he's unable to walk and carry his weight. He just literally cannot ignore the fact that he used to have legs, and now does not.
Then, ask him how he wants to adress the depression, which is a medical problem and does need a professional's attention. Present a couple options: Appointment with his GP, appointment with a licensed therapist, appointment with psychiatrist. Then help him make the calls or send the emails to get an appointment. This is the hardest part, and it's something that is literally impossible to do when your brain is sick enough.
Lastly, follow up a few days later. Ask if he's heard back, and when his appointment is set. Check in regularly, and encourage him to set up a system so people reach out to him regularly.
He needs help. If you can't provide it, that's okay, but it would be a tremendous kindness to help him access other help before pulling back.
posted by toucan at 10:26 AM on April 25, 2023
if you're sure that he's unpleasant to be around right now because of health issues, it's not that he has simply become an unpleasant person, why not just tell him you can't talk for long today / this week / this month because you're also having a rough time right now? this would be true. you don't have to additionally tell him that he is the rough time you are having. the great thing about temporarily bailing on someone who is too depressed to think about other people is they are unlikely to get really interested in the details of your own vague personal crisis.
you could also just tell him repeatedly that he sounds like he really needs to talk to a therapist, every time he gets very sad around you. either he will give in and do it, he will get angry with you and stop talking to you, or he will remain sad but not tell you about it anymore.
both these options are a little cold, but ending a friendship because someone is having a bad time seems colder. and they are both honest approaches, in their way.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:55 PM on April 25, 2023
you could also just tell him repeatedly that he sounds like he really needs to talk to a therapist, every time he gets very sad around you. either he will give in and do it, he will get angry with you and stop talking to you, or he will remain sad but not tell you about it anymore.
both these options are a little cold, but ending a friendship because someone is having a bad time seems colder. and they are both honest approaches, in their way.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:55 PM on April 25, 2023
@queenofbithynia Thank you for the honesty and wealth of feedback. The problem is that his sadness and mental health issue has been going on for like three years now, and he keeps dumping me with all his problems and sadness, and I have only encouraged him to seek therapy when he does nothing to help himself. Yes, it is cold, but ripping the band-aid is sometimes the best solution--for I am so emotionally drained out.
posted by RearWindow at 6:21 PM on April 25, 2023
posted by RearWindow at 6:21 PM on April 25, 2023
Oof. This is painful. I struggle to not be the friend who is overwhelmed by their problems and unable to think about much else. It's hard too, because all I often want is to stop pretending things are ok because it's killing me, and an environment where I can stop pretending is a relief. But then it's hard to manage that to not simply melt down.
And no one else deserves that.
I had a friend set boundaries when he felt it was having an affect on his own mental health. He'd struggled with mental health himself, so it came from a place of understanding. I really appreciated that, and we're still friends.
I think you need to just be honest with your friend that you care about them but can only take so much of the stress of their problems. Not that you can never listen but it can't be the only focus of time you spend together. And then work with them to avoid providing too much of an outlet. Be explicit and maybe let them know you'll simply tell them when you need to step away for your own sake.
And I'm sorry for both you and your friend. Sometimes life sucks for a person and they can't find a way to make it better. Being a friend who watches and wants to help but is unable to help the other person find their way is so hard. And then when you can't do it any more it can be hard to make sense of what to do.
posted by allium cepa at 2:57 AM on April 26, 2023
And no one else deserves that.
I had a friend set boundaries when he felt it was having an affect on his own mental health. He'd struggled with mental health himself, so it came from a place of understanding. I really appreciated that, and we're still friends.
I think you need to just be honest with your friend that you care about them but can only take so much of the stress of their problems. Not that you can never listen but it can't be the only focus of time you spend together. And then work with them to avoid providing too much of an outlet. Be explicit and maybe let them know you'll simply tell them when you need to step away for your own sake.
And I'm sorry for both you and your friend. Sometimes life sucks for a person and they can't find a way to make it better. Being a friend who watches and wants to help but is unable to help the other person find their way is so hard. And then when you can't do it any more it can be hard to make sense of what to do.
posted by allium cepa at 2:57 AM on April 26, 2023
Yeah, I have a friend in a nightmare caregiving situation and frankly, it's not going to get better until everyone finally dies. There's nothing you can do but listen.
I am That Person Whose Shit Never Ends either, but at least I know to shut up and go away periodically so I stop annoying everyone with my whining behavior. But some people just can't take the hint that they're being too much and it's time to stop reaching out for help from all your friends who can't really give anyway, and thus you need to start either setting boundaries or drifting off.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:48 AM on April 26, 2023
I am That Person Whose Shit Never Ends either, but at least I know to shut up and go away periodically so I stop annoying everyone with my whining behavior. But some people just can't take the hint that they're being too much and it's time to stop reaching out for help from all your friends who can't really give anyway, and thus you need to start either setting boundaries or drifting off.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:48 AM on April 26, 2023
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And for his sake, you *should* let him know that his focus on his sadness (or mental illness, whatever terms he uses) is becoming overwhelming and alienating. Like you said, you are not his therapist. And, he may not even be aware that he is taking 100% of the space in the room. So you can reset a bit. But if he can't or won't adjust, its well within your rights to take a step back or leave the friendship.
I have said this to a friend of mine who is prone to self-absorption and rumination during hard spells: "Friend, I am not your therapist. I am happy to check in with you about your troubles, but this is a friendship. Let's talk about something else now."
posted by RajahKing at 7:24 AM on April 25, 2023