Should I respond to emotionally abusive dad's request for help?

April 11, 2023 2:54 AM

I'm a middle-aged man, oldest of six kids. My dad has been emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to my mom for as long as I know. Emotionally abusive to the kids, although different with each. Recently, he emailed all the kids as a group asking for help "repenting of his unkindness." Nothing more specific than that. Should I respond at all? If so, how do I maintain the boundaries I've worked so hard to establish? Are there resources I could send him that would be helpful if he's serious about changing?

Family is religious, specifically Mormon. (I'm not anymore.) Dad partly uses religion to keep his emotions and other people under "control." But it seems like he's had some kind of realization tied to a religious sermon that he hasn't exactly been doing what Jesus would recommend. And now he's made this generalized request to the kids for help. (Dad and mom are still married to each other, retired, don't seem particularly happy.)

We have a family pattern of not acknowledging requests for help or other ways in which someone might "fall short" of the ideal -- such as dad's abusive behavior. I have some degree of compassion for him, since his own father was a piece of work and he was raised in a religious culture that didn't give him the tools to learn to deal with his own anger without hurting other people. So I have an impulse to respond in some way, if only as practice breaking my own habits of silence.

At the same time, I really can't get involved in whatever process he might decide to undertake to become a better person. He's in his 70s. He might change -- I really hope he does. I understand odds are he won't. Meanwhile, I'm working on myself, including therapy that deals a lot with ways in which both my parents have hurt or failed me. It's important to me to recognize and process how my dad hurt me, but I don't feel that anything good will come of sharing any of that with him. It makes me feel unsafe just thinking about telling him how I feel he has hurt the rest of us. I don't need to do that in my own healing. And I think it would make him incredibly defensive to hear terms like "emotional abuse" describing his behavior.

I'm definitely going to discuss this with my therapist before doing anything, but therapist is very non-directive and I would love a range of opinions. The one thing I think I might be able to do and feel OK about is send a short note acknowledging his request, saying I don't want to discuss specifics from my point of view, but here are some resources for men who have harmed their loved ones and want to change. (I assume there are resources like that, but please recommend any that you think are good.) And then my inclination would be not to communicate about it any further.

Or should I just stay out of it and not respond?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (29 answers total)

Dad partly uses religion to keep his emotions and other people under "control."

Recently, he emailed all the kids as a group asking for help "repenting of his unkindness."

These two things read as the exact same pattern to me.

It may be different in LDS culture but…in most churches you can repent without involving those you harmed. Repentance isn’t the same as reconciliation, and reconciliation isn’t necessarily something you do with a position of needing help for yourself. To me this smells like a nicer take on an old pattern - control.

I think your idea is lovely but I wouldn’t include the resources. Presumably he can Google. I’d just say best of luck on your quest but I don’t want to be involved.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:07 AM on April 11, 2023 [13 favorites]

First off: my sympathies that you're in this position.

Are you still in touch with your mom or any of your siblings? Do you have good relationships with any of them? One of them might have more details about what "repentance" means to your dad -- is he taking any actions to try to act better towards your mom or your youngest siblings (who, I presume are still in his orbit), or is this just a "I want you to forgive me" campaign?

One thing you could think about in session with your therapist is to explore, candidly and in private, how you would feel if your father died and you had not responded to this potential gesture of reconciliation. I am NOT saying "therefore you must respond!!"; I'm saying that if you reflect on that possible scenario and realize that you would be fine, OR you reflect on it and realize you would regret it deeply, that can help you decide. Or, a variation of that: how would you feel if you tried to be genuine (if guarded) in responding to this message, but no one else responded at all? Or if everyone else in your family just jumped to "you're forgiven"?

Knowing what I do about LDS culture (source: my spouse is ex-Mormon), someone in the father's situation is likely to be getting instructions, articles, books, sermon transcripts, etc. from other lay leaders, from the church hierarchy and from an LDS point of view during home visits, in the magazines/bulletins, during meetings with their bishop, etc. and probably won't think to Google for secular ones in additions to those. And even if they do Google, personalized search, and the terms they're using (e.g. "repentance"), may lead them to more churchy resources rather than secular ones. So, if you do send a reply, I do think sharing a couple resources would be more useful than it might be in other contexts.
posted by brainwane at 3:58 AM on April 11, 2023 [6 favorites]

The way you've paraphrased his request, it sounds like he's putting everything on you. He wants your help repenting? And there's something about the way he refers to "his unkindess" that seems kind of self-centered, like it's a thing he has, as opposed to, let's say, the effect he has had on you and the rest of the family.

This would be a long way from, say, a request to make amends that you would get from somebody in a recovery program who was approaching it in a structured way, after having completed certain other steps, and with respect for the fact that you should not attempt amends that will hurt other people. Not that that model is perfect or that people don't exploit it to manipulate others, but at least some self-reflection is expected. And, it's expected that you will listen to the people you are apologizing to.

I wouldn't touch this unless he has some kind of specific proposal, and even then I would be wary. As it is, it sounds either lazy or manipulative or both.
posted by BibiRose at 4:16 AM on April 11, 2023 [16 favorites]

I'm coming at this outside of any particular religious frame, but in my experience someone who is asking for "help repenting on their unkindness" is not yet at the point of meaningful contrition and subsequent repair. They're still off-loading some of the hard work on you, too early in the process, and not yet willing to be honest about their actions. (A euphemism like "unkindness" is a red flag to me, for example). When I've received messages like this I've either ignored them or just replied, "Thanks for your message."

If someone had sent a message such as "I've been volatile and said hurtful things to you for many years. I deeply regret this and have been changing my behavior. I would like to apologize if you're open to it." -- that would indicate to me that they're farther enough along in the self-reflective and self-honesty process to engage with. They would have faced and named their actions; expressed regret clearly; most importantly they are doing the work to change their behaviors because this is what will make it safe for you to re-engage with them, and they don't ask you for help, they offer you something (apology, repair, etc.). But to be clear, just because someone reaches out with a "better" or more authentic apology, it still doesn't mean you have to reply or engage with it. You're at whatever emotional mile-marker you're at. Your care of yourself is most important in the situation you've described.

You're in a difficult position, and it sounds like therapy has been helpful in letting go of the idea of him changing. Either option (replying or not) may be positive for you, depending on your own self work and expectations.
posted by cocoagirl at 4:18 AM on April 11, 2023 [26 favorites]

The way you maintain your boundaries, is by knowing what they are and sticking to them. I wouldn't move them for this fairly weak reach out to you. You can just go for "wait and see". If your dad really is going to do the work he needs to do, then he's got your email address he can come back to you with something more tangible later. In the meantime, just carry on as you are.
posted by plonkee at 4:36 AM on April 11, 2023

If the tone of this is what you want to say, I’d suggest sending it as a cc-all, more for your siblings than for your dad. I admire the thoughtful way you are considering your response. I think your note here covered your concerns fully and well - and with amazing empathy. I’ve tried to condense what you wrote. My sympathies for being put in such a difficult position.

Dear Dad -
I have been thinking a lot about your request, and first I want to acknowledge that this is a big step. Acknowledging that you’ve harmed someone else is never easy. I know we have a family pattern of not acknowledging requests for help, and I want to take one small step to change that pattern.
Even though you sent this to us kids as a group, I think you need to address this with us as individuals. I don’t know what my siblings are thinking or feeling about your request, but any harm done is harm that is unique to each of us separately.
I know most of your resources are coming from the church, but there are also a lot of good books written specifically for adults who are working to address the harms they have done to others. If you are interested, I can send you the names of one of those.
At this time, this note is the extent to which I can help your wishes to repent. I wish you luck on this important work.
posted by Silvery Fish at 4:49 AM on April 11, 2023 [22 favorites]

I was recently in a similar position; a childhood "frenemy" reached out to say she wanted to make amends for stuff she'd done in the past. The thing is, most of what fueled her actions in the past was her inability to handle her own negative emotions, and offloading that management onto other people. (With me, that manifested as trash talk.) And from what I've heard she still hasn't learned that.

And I suspected that her apology wasn't an apology for my sake - it was an apology for HER sake. I suspected she was having an attack of the guilts, and rather than actually working through facing what she'd done and accepting it and learning from it, she wanted me to give her a shortcut by telling her that it was all okay so she could stop feeling icky and forget the whole thing.

But I still I still heard her out - except I decided in advance what I actually needed from her, and what my boundary would be. I decided that what I needed was just to hear her say she fucked up and that was it, so I let her try that. She gave me a general apology for having treated me badly in the past, and I said thank you. But then when she asked if there was "anything else I could do for you", that was my boundary; I told her that no, I had made peace with the past without her outside assistance just fine, and perhaps she could try doing the same.

I would suggest thinking a bit about what you might ACTUALLY need from him, and it can be as simple as an apology; but then once you get what you want, you can disengage again. And if what you need from him is to leave you alone, that's fine too; SilveryFish's script is fine as a response if you just want him to go away.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:39 AM on April 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

The fact that he’s using euphemisms would make me very doubtful of the sincerity of the request as others have pointed out. But just in case there’s deeper thought at work, I might ask:

“when you say ‘unkindness’ can you be more specific what you’re referring to?” - I would then want to hear him name actual things he said and did, with an awareness of how that affected the person he did it to, not as a sign of his own moral failing or his relationship with Jesus or whatever, but as an action he did to a family member that harmed that person in a specific way. for example, “I told you I didn’t love you at a time when you were vulnerable and depended on me for security and instead I made you feel alone and unsafe.”

And “when you say ‘repent’ could you share what repentance would look like?” - I would want a very specific commitment, like, “I haven’t hit your mom in X weeks and don’t plan to ever again, I noticed that one of my triggers was watching sports so I’m not going to watch sports at home any more and if I feel that kind of anger my plan is to leave the house,” etc.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:58 AM on April 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

To conclude my last comment, I guess I would say, he doesn’t need to have therapy babble or perfect monologues, but with minimal handholding, if he’s serious about “repentance, then he should be easily able to:

- say WHAT he did, using the word “I”, the name of the person he did it to, and including some actual verbs or quotes. So not “there was unkindness” or “I said things I regret”. Specificity and active language are needed. Instead it should be more like “I said (fairly accurate quote) to Mary”, “I shoved Dave into a door frame”.

- say WHY it was wrong - not to god, but to the recipient of the behaviour: so not, not “I strayed from god’s teaching” but instead, “I hit your mother and made her feel fear for her safety and experience instability in her own home when she was financially vulnerable to me so she couldn’t leave”.

- share the REALISTIC PLAN to do something different to prevent hurting that person again. It shouldn’t be about his feelings or god, such as “I’ll read the bible more”. It should be an honest examination of what triggered the behaviour and how he’ll manage that trigger next time. “I’m quitting drinking.” “When I feel angry, I’m going to do deep breathing and walk around the block.”

- acknowledge that his actions are SEPARATE FROM FORGIVENESS. Your family members might never forgive him, and that’s their right. He should not be pressuring people to forgive. He just needs to act right, and continue to act right, even if they never forgive him.

This level of accountability, self-reflection, and future planning are all things that it would be readily expected of an employee who had made a mistake with their responsibilities at work, so I think it’s entirely reasonable to expect this level of self-awareness and action planning from a person who messed up in their home responsibilities.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:24 AM on April 11, 2023 [10 favorites]

Your dad’s request seems (at best) clumsy and (at worst) an attempt to make the problem your responsibility. There’s not enough info in his request to tell which it is, but I think you’re wise to guard your boundaries and prioritize your well-being here. The options that come to mind for me are…
- acknowledge the ask
- request more details
- state your needs

You could do any one of these, or several in combination. I personally would avoid providing resources, because I’d be concerned that either he or I might interpret that as me accepting some piece of the responsibility for solving the problem. Here’s an example of how that might look.

(Acknowledge) Thanks for reaching out. I’m glad to hear you’re reckoning with the past, and I wish you the best with your journey.

(Request details) Could you share a little more detail about what specific help you’re requesting?

(State needs) Speaking only for myself, I think the best choice for my well-being is to not be deeply involved in this process. I would appreciate a sincere apology and a commitment from you not to continue the unkind behavior in future. Beyond that, I would rather not be involved in the process.

I think I’d be inclined to try the first two in the first email, and follow up with the third if that felt right — but you may feel differently.

His response to this will tell you a lot more about whether this is clumsy or controlling. If he comes back at you with anything remotely resembling, “You’re obligated to commit your time & energy to fix my failings,” then you can ignore this with no regrets. If he seems to be genuinely trying to take amends and take responsibility for himself, you can set your boundaries where you need to. You don’t need to give any more than you want to give here, whether his ask is genuine or not.
posted by ourobouros at 6:35 AM on April 11, 2023 [7 favorites]

I am with ourobouros. If it were me, based only on the information provided, I would write back something like, "I am glad you have undertaken this journey of change. Before I jump onboard, I need more details. What you have written so far is vague, non-specific, and indicates nothing about what the journey is all about. I also need to know your level of commitment to change. Change is never easy and ever doubly hard as we age and get more set in our patterns."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:54 AM on April 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

I do not think you OWE any response at all, so if you do respond it is 100% fine for it to be on your own terms.

My personal inclination would be to reply with something like one of these two options:

#1: "That sounds like good news and I wish you well on your journey. Repentance is a path you have to walk yourself, it's not something we can give you and I don't think it's something we can help you with unless you want recommendations for books to read, or transportation to therapy."

If you want to pull out the big guns, #2 then continues: "I have done years of work in therapy to become stable, and agile in my emotional relationships. I moved on from expecting any repentance from you a long time ago. Any effort you might have put toward repairing our relationship, if that's what you mean, I would ask you use that effort for making the remainder of my mother's life more pleasant and comfortable."

Now, I don't think this is entirely true for anybody with an abusive parent. There is always a little grain of hope that your abuser will suddenly come out with a top hat and cane and do a whole musical number recognizing and taking responsibility for everything they did to you. It'd be nice.

But as far as conscious expectation that this is something he's capable of, it does sound like you have come to terms with that, and that you reasonably don't want to get into the mess of him trying to work through it. If there is some other outcome you think you could reasonably ask for - like telling him you're willing to sit down and talk with him and a licensed therapist after he's worked through the difficult early stages on his own - do it. But I think the redirection to his remaining primary relationship is a clear way of stating priorities and boundaries while also calling him out a tiny bit.

You can do all this without stating explicitly WHY, without saying "abusive" or other words that might set him off. You can be real vague and it's fine, he knows. And also, the point of this isn't to get him to admit anything or catch him out. It's really just a warning that you're not going to fall for cheap tricks - he's trying to come in with a lowball bid to get forgiveness to see if it's enough to get any of you to bite out of trauma, and you're coming back with a very serious "hey, good for you taking on this giant project".

But at the end of the day, you have to put your own peace first. Do what's safest for you and the ground you've gained in your own hard work.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:17 AM on April 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

I think it depends on what you feel like is missing. I reconciled with my emotionally abusive father as an adult, and it's gone pretty well, but that's because he finally gave me what I felt was missing. A big part of the reason he was emotionally abusive when I was a kid is because I don't think he ever really wanted kids, but he felt family/social pressure (devout Catholic family, very active in the local parish) to do so, and so I always got the sense that he felt like we were holding him back. What I wanted, as a kid, was to feel like he wanted me around, that I was more than a roadblock keeping him from his life. When he reached back out to me, we met, and I got the sense that he does want me around. I'm sure part of that is because I'm now an independent, middle-aged person. And to be clear, he still has a lot of the other faults he's always had. But the big thing that I was missing, to feel like I was wanted, was there, and so it worked. I don't agree with everything my mom does, or, for that matter, everything my wife or my kids do, but they've never resented me for just being around. That's the base need for me.

It sounds to me like your base need is for less control. I agree with warriorqueen; this seems like a oblique way to continue being controlling now that he's realized the more direct ways of exerting control no longer work. I'd listen, but skeptically.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:20 AM on April 11, 2023 [2 favorites]

Actions speak louder than words.
posted by rglass at 8:40 AM on April 11, 2023

I asked my spouse about this and he reminded me of a few bits of context:

1. It's possible, maybe even likely, that him sending this email specifically was on advice from his bishop.

2. In LDS doctrine, repentance necessarily includes restitution. Here's specific guidance from the church: "We must restore as far as possible all that has been damaged by our actions, whether that is someone’s property or someone’s good reputation. Willing restitution shows the Lord that we will do all we can to repent."

3. The church specifically discourages individual Mormons Googling for self-help resources on their own instead of asking your bishop for help, looking for stuff in church magazines/websites, etc.

I thought you might particularly find the second point useful if you do decide to reply; using that language might get through to him where some other phrasings would bounce off.
posted by brainwane at 8:50 AM on April 11, 2023 [6 favorites]

There's not a lot I can add to what others have said above, except if he wants to repent, your father is asking you to do something (forgive him) so he feels better. But if he actually wants to make amends, then that is about him taking steps to change (amend) his behaviour and do his best to try to make things right, no matter how bad that might make him feel.
posted by essexjan at 8:55 AM on April 11, 2023 [1 favorite]

Yes, I think something that's maybe not being fully enough recognized here in otherwise sound advice is that therapy-speak is not inherently more valid, accurate, or meaningful than the language of religion. Both can be used in sincerity and in pursuit of good relationships; both can be used to abuse, obfuscate, or avoid responsibility. The problem is distinguishing, and for that I don't think you have enough information, though the context isn't promising and you shouldn't ignore the history.

Further, while a church that is not abusive will not seek to force anyone into forgiveness, in most churches, no, repentance is not merely a matter between the individual and God; it involves trying to remedy the harm done and repair the social fabric. That usually (though not always) means working with the injured person to make restitution if possible. (Hence the "make amends, if possible without hurting others" step eight in AA.)

So, if you genuinely feel the pull to speak to him again (and you really don't have to!), I would suggest exploring with him what he thinks repentance means in this context. Can he honestly name the harm he did, and understand why it was harmful, even if it's not couched in the language you might use? Does he have a plan to make changes? Is he interested in learning what you think he needs to do to make changes? (A scheme of restitution that ignores the wishes of the harmed is just ego-defense.) I should stress that at any point you should feel free to think you know enough and to disengage, but right now it is hard to tell, and if you actually want to explore the possibilities here, you should understand that some of the advice you're getting is a little tone-deaf to the way that people in Christian and Christian-adjacent religious communities tend to talk about their obligations and their transgressions.
posted by praemunire at 9:50 AM on April 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

I was just popping back here to say largely what praemunire said so eloquently: this is a 70 year old man who is beginning to talk about actions that hurt other people in the only language he has available to talk about them. It's possible that he is only doing this because of the Bishop, or that maybe he doesn't fully realize what deep contrition requires... and maybe he just doesn't know what happens next, you know? Maybe he himself is flying in the dark with only the Bishop's guidance here. None of here can know. And again - you have approached this with amazing empathy.
posted by Silvery Fish at 10:05 AM on April 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

He's getting old and looking to feel less guilty about things, nothing more than that. It's why he emailed you all as a group, he doesn't actually care about making amends for his behavior, he just wants you all to soothe his own negative emotions. You should decline to do so, and reflect on what your own boundaries are here.
posted by rhymedirective at 10:07 AM on April 11, 2023 [5 favorites]

Sorry, but my immediate reaction is that using the word "unkindness" for the behaviour you describe is a gross minimization. He may or may not be taking the first steps towards truly facing up to the wrongs he has committed and the harm he has done to his spouse and his family, but until he can do that, the risk is that this is just a performative step to make himself feel a bit better and perhaps save face in front of his religious community (or whoever).

Given that risk, the question becomes one of what will give you, personally, the greatest sense of peace in this equation. Does the idea of opening yourself up to him and having him prove to be insincere bother you less than the opposite? Only you can decide, and I'm glad you are going to discuss this with your therapist. But please, make your decision about you and not him.

For me, if I were in your shoes, I think I'd respond something along the lines of "thanks for letting me know you are taking these steps. I wish you well in your journey." I might also add something along the lines of "if you should ever wish to discuss specific incidents or behaviours, please let me know and I will consider it in the context of my own personal healing and equilibrium."
posted by rpfields at 11:04 AM on April 11, 2023 [1 favorite]

Looking at this from a queer perspective, I would not respond at all. When you used the word “unsafe” I was like, NOPE. I don’t think that everything in life should be frictionless with no risk or otherwise it’s unjust, or whatever, but when it comes to parents interacting with their children (of any age) safety of the child is paramount. It is on him to take actions to make you feel like engaging with him would be a safe thing for you, and until he has managed this (if he can at all) you don’t have to do anything.
posted by Mizu at 11:27 AM on April 11, 2023 [4 favorites]

Everything about that one small snippet tells me it's still all about him. Who needs to do the work? YOU and your siblings do. You need to help him. Why? So he can be freed from his burden and feel better (not so he can fix things for those he hurt). And what sin is he repentant for? unkindness. That's as far from taking responsibility as he could get. His "unkindness." This unfortunate character flaw he needs to repent for so he can feel better. No mention of the abuse he inflicted on you, your siblings, your mother, the damage he has caused. No, it's his own character flaw of "unkindness" that needs addressed. Somehow he's the victim of this terrible trait he needs you and God's and everyone's help to fix and make him feel better. No ownership, no accountability. My vote is to not engage. I don't see anything genuine here or anything showing introspection.
posted by CleverClover at 11:59 AM on April 11, 2023 [4 favorites]

His email also might be an attempt to draw you and your siblings back into the church, which I would be very cautious about - if you do decide to respond, keep an eye out for that? It would be one thing to say outright that he'd like you to re-join the church but to try to manipulate you using his past abuse would be really, really awful.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:45 PM on April 11, 2023 [4 favorites]

I believe everyone is capable of growing and healing, including people who have been abusive toward others, and everyone deserves safe, supportive people to help them do so. The people harmed by someone's abusive behavior don't belong in that supportive inner circle, and need to prioritize their own safety and well-being when considering whether to be available for, e.g., an apology or making amends. In other words, people who were victimized by someone don't need to participate in that person's healing journey, and do no harm to the abuser's progress by opting out.

I don't know what you should do, but I want to emphasize that whatever you do will not impede or facilitate your dad's healing and growth. Your dad needs to heal and grow in order to be able to offer you some kind of accountability and amends. I don't know how the LDS church conceptualizes forgiveness, but in conservative Christian contexts more broadly, forgiveness is often used as a way of skipping past accountability--a person who did harm confesses their sins (to God more than to the victim), and their victim offers forgiveness, and it's considered done. It's a cheap approximation of accountability and healing. I hope your dad is doing good work on himself and is genuinely looking to take accountability for his actions. If so, he will have plenty to do whether you respond to his email or not.
posted by theotherdurassister at 2:02 PM on April 11, 2023 [11 favorites]

I’m close to someone whose father was severely physically and emotionally abusive to him into his late teens, and who lives with CPTSD as a result. His father died. He continues to feel tremendous conflict around his father. He has a deep need for justice, frequently fantasizes alternately of getting back at his dad, and hearing a sincere apology. I wonder whether he’d have more peace if he’d ever gotten one. I suspect so, I think it would have helped. There’s no opportunity for that now. So he’s got to wrestle with it on his own, no validation, no restitution, no answers.

If you do talk to your father, yeah, he’s not going to be versed in the language of pop psychology. He may also have some psychological limitations (I mean I assume he does, otherwise he wouldn’t behave the way he has). The bottom line will be, does he understand how he hurt you, in his way. Is he sincerely sorry, in his way. Can he try to improve, in his way. I would expect even the most optimal results to be highly imperfect. If you can keep your expectations low and work with his language and limitations, it *may* give you some peace that might not be an option later. Maybe it’s worth a try.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:24 PM on April 11, 2023 [2 favorites]

One of the things I have learned in life so far is that if you are trying to forgive somebody for something they have done to you, forgiving is a process you can go through yourself and you don't necessarily have to involve the offending person. It seems to me that this applies here also. If your father is genuinely trying to repent for past actions, he can do that without your involvement.
posted by molasses at 4:06 PM on April 12, 2023

In order to answer this I would need to know if the mistreatment characteristically included the apology phase of the circle of abuse. Because if it did, then it seems like a transparent attempt to replicate that cycle. If not, then I would consider responding. Not because it's very likely that he is interested in genuine repentence, but because you might feel better about yourself having given him an opportunity.

The one universal I have found about people is that no one can bear to be the villain of their own story. How they establish non-villain status, of course, varies wildly from person to person. Sometimes people legitimately change and make amends. While uncommon, it does happen. Of course, the more typical responses to feeling like one is the villain are denial, minimization, fabrication, projection, etc. Taking his words and bizarre group email at face value, my guess would be that he's not actually looking to apologize, and instead looking to minimize his own role and rope in others to "help". But if you can make space to give him a chance, I would consider doing it. But there's no shame in saying to yourself, "Sorry, dad had 1000 chances before this to start heading in a just direction, and didn't take them. It's not incumbent on me to wait around and see if chance 1001 works out." Good luck navigating this.
posted by wnissen at 4:55 PM on April 12, 2023 [1 favorite]

"Thanks Dad, but this is between you and Jesus. Good luck!"
posted by grog at 5:28 AM on April 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

I completely love silvery fish's suggested letter template. It takes your father's words and his request at face value, ascribes the best possible motivations to him, extends kindness, generosity, and encouragement towards him, AND NEVERTHELESS INSISTS ON TRUE ACCOUNTABILITY FROM HIM. It is masterful.

In contrast, I find it exhausting and somewhat off-putting to attempt to suss out from his letter whether your father is sincere or not, whether he really has changed, whether his motivations are selfish, whether he's just getting old and wants comfort in his old age so he'll say anything to get you back, etc. If you read his words and decide, ah ha! he can't fool me! he's obviously just trying to manipulate me!, all that means is that you're still too angry and hurt to consider forgiving him. Which is fine! You are allowed to say, either to yourself or to him, "Nope, not interested." But don't tell yourself you're rejecting his overtures because you smartly decoded the actual truth about his bad intentions by scouring his letter for clues, like Sherlock Holmes. Nobody can know the content of his heart or his mind from reading a letter.

What's more, I don't think the content of his heart or mind matters. Regardless of his sincerity, you'd still need him to do the work of holding himself accountable, understanding your experience, expressing specific remorse, making amends, etc. in order to earn your trust. Whether he's sincere or insincere, what you need from him remains the same, and your attitude of not yet trusting him doesn't change. So why try to decode his letter for clues about his sincerity? Let that go. It's an exercise in bitterness to attempt to read his mind.
posted by MiraK at 1:17 PM on April 17, 2023