Unexpected death of an ex halfway across the country
April 2, 2023 4:30 PM Subscribe
My ex husband died unexpectedly but lives in Nevada; we are in NJ. Specific questions, as he was a veteran, below.
Found out today that my ex husband, father of my two adult sons, died unexpectedly either late last night or early this morning. He lives in Nevada; we live in New Jersey. My sons haven't seen their father since 2007. They do have online conversations and occasional calls. As they live with me still, he and I rarely but do talk.
He lived with his dad, who is apparently not wanting to handle anything (or is it because my sons are the closest relatives?). I never met his dad in the 35 years I've known my ex. His father disappeared years ago, and only came back into my ex's life a few years ago when his wife died and he needed someone to take care of him. He will not talk to my ex's brother, or anyone on that side of the family.
Ex did tell me that he wanted a military funeral, as he was a veteran. Originally, he wanted to be buried here in NJ. But on the website for Brigadier General William C. Doyle's Cemetery, it says they only bury veterans with legal NJ residency. Ex hasn't lived in NJ in a very long time, since 2008, I believe. He told me that there is one near him in Boulder City, Nevada, where his stepmother is, and his father will be.
The coroner's office called us: they will have a cause of death by tomorrow afternoon. They gave us a case number. They told us what funeral home he's at. I mentioned the VA. I have to call them and let them know what funeral home he is in.
But what then? The coroner apparently told my son that he and his brother are entitled to everything that was their dad's, but I honestly don't think there IS anything. We don't have a lot of money to fly out to Nevada for a funeral, but would the VA still send us his flag? Ex did say he had life insurance for our boys, but I don't know if it's through the VA (he was getting support financially from the VA) or what. We are at a bit of a loss, honestly.
If anyone has any sort of experience with this kind of loss from half a country away, I'd appreciate hearing how you dealt with it. My sons seem to be handling this just fine; I'm a bit more upset than I thought I'd be, given the roller coaster relationship Ex and I had. I apologize for the rambling post.
Found out today that my ex husband, father of my two adult sons, died unexpectedly either late last night or early this morning. He lives in Nevada; we live in New Jersey. My sons haven't seen their father since 2007. They do have online conversations and occasional calls. As they live with me still, he and I rarely but do talk.
He lived with his dad, who is apparently not wanting to handle anything (or is it because my sons are the closest relatives?). I never met his dad in the 35 years I've known my ex. His father disappeared years ago, and only came back into my ex's life a few years ago when his wife died and he needed someone to take care of him. He will not talk to my ex's brother, or anyone on that side of the family.
Ex did tell me that he wanted a military funeral, as he was a veteran. Originally, he wanted to be buried here in NJ. But on the website for Brigadier General William C. Doyle's Cemetery, it says they only bury veterans with legal NJ residency. Ex hasn't lived in NJ in a very long time, since 2008, I believe. He told me that there is one near him in Boulder City, Nevada, where his stepmother is, and his father will be.
The coroner's office called us: they will have a cause of death by tomorrow afternoon. They gave us a case number. They told us what funeral home he's at. I mentioned the VA. I have to call them and let them know what funeral home he is in.
But what then? The coroner apparently told my son that he and his brother are entitled to everything that was their dad's, but I honestly don't think there IS anything. We don't have a lot of money to fly out to Nevada for a funeral, but would the VA still send us his flag? Ex did say he had life insurance for our boys, but I don't know if it's through the VA (he was getting support financially from the VA) or what. We are at a bit of a loss, honestly.
If anyone has any sort of experience with this kind of loss from half a country away, I'd appreciate hearing how you dealt with it. My sons seem to be handling this just fine; I'm a bit more upset than I thought I'd be, given the roller coaster relationship Ex and I had. I apologize for the rambling post.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
My own divorce attorney mentioned this issue to me when my first husband and I were splitting up in 2006.
He said that when one of us died, the surviving former spouse needed to be ready for a difficult and confusing grief process.
Being widowed is a terrible shock, but there are comforting social conventions available. Perhaps casseroles, sympathy, cards, visits, a black dress, being the Designated Grieving Person.
If you are a former spouse, you are grieving, but forgotten. Nobody brings casseroles. Maybe family members shut you out or resent you. There are no rules or conventions to fall back on.
So cut yourself a lot of slack. You're like the widow everyone forgot, and you are dealing with a shock.
posted by champers at 5:54 PM on April 2, 2023 [14 favorites]
My own divorce attorney mentioned this issue to me when my first husband and I were splitting up in 2006.
He said that when one of us died, the surviving former spouse needed to be ready for a difficult and confusing grief process.
Being widowed is a terrible shock, but there are comforting social conventions available. Perhaps casseroles, sympathy, cards, visits, a black dress, being the Designated Grieving Person.
If you are a former spouse, you are grieving, but forgotten. Nobody brings casseroles. Maybe family members shut you out or resent you. There are no rules or conventions to fall back on.
So cut yourself a lot of slack. You're like the widow everyone forgot, and you are dealing with a shock.
posted by champers at 5:54 PM on April 2, 2023 [14 favorites]
Best answer: I'm sorry for your loss as well, plus the fact that you're in this stressful situation.
You can try contacting a Veterans Service Officer. They specialize in helping veterans and family members navigate their way through VA benefits, including burials. Here are links for both of the states you mentioned:
New Jersey VA - Veteran Service Officers
Nevada Department of Veteran Services - Veteran Service Officers
posted by cadge at 5:59 PM on April 2, 2023 [7 favorites]
You can try contacting a Veterans Service Officer. They specialize in helping veterans and family members navigate their way through VA benefits, including burials. Here are links for both of the states you mentioned:
New Jersey VA - Veteran Service Officers
Nevada Department of Veteran Services - Veteran Service Officers
posted by cadge at 5:59 PM on April 2, 2023 [7 favorites]
My father was cremated and interned in a federal cemetery. Call the VA numbers linked above-everyone I've talked to over the years at the VA has been super helpful and understanding. It's much easier if you have his discharge papers, but even without them someone over the phone can give you next steps. And I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by Arctostaphylos at 7:17 PM on April 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Arctostaphylos at 7:17 PM on April 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
The laws vary by state. A special Defense Department designation made by the veteran as to who makes post-mortem decisions (burial vs. cremation) will control, but if there is none the decisions are made in most states by the next of kin, meaning his sons. You probably don't have a voice in the decision.
It would take going through his papers to determine whether he left any money, property or assets. His father may be willing to help to that extent. In most states, maybe all, there is an expedited procedure for handling very small estates without having to do full probate.
posted by yclipse at 4:32 AM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
It would take going through his papers to determine whether he left any money, property or assets. His father may be willing to help to that extent. In most states, maybe all, there is an expedited procedure for handling very small estates without having to do full probate.
posted by yclipse at 4:32 AM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
The specific government form they will be looking for is probably labelled DD214.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 2:21 PM on April 3, 2023
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 2:21 PM on April 3, 2023
At VA medical centers, the department that deals with these things is called Decedent Affairs.
https://www.va.gov/find-locations
The National Cemetery Administration (cem.va.gov) runs the VA's cemeteries.
posted by neuron at 3:09 PM on April 3, 2023
https://www.va.gov/find-locations
The National Cemetery Administration (cem.va.gov) runs the VA's cemeteries.
posted by neuron at 3:09 PM on April 3, 2023
It's an easy process, but you have to apply for a flag to be used in a veteran's funeral. They are issued free by either the VA or the Post Office.
posted by DrGail at 3:24 PM on April 3, 2023
posted by DrGail at 3:24 PM on April 3, 2023
Response by poster: Thank you everyone, for very helpful tips and links.
posted by annieb at 5:04 PM on April 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by annieb at 5:04 PM on April 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
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It may be worth noting that "burial" is a really specific final disposition, and one you're not obligated to choose. Cremation may give you more options.
Also...you don't actually have to have a funeral, as in a public service at a specific time and place. I do not believe that is required for receiving the military benefits available for the flag (obviously sans the graveside ritual, but you can still receive a flag prepared in the regulation fashion) and choice of various locations reserved for veterans. If he has friends there, they can hold a memorial service whenever they like, and invite his dad or not. Do not feel obligated to spend money you don't have and the VA is not providing on features and services that are not significant or accessible to you or your sons. You have zero obligation to his father.
I'm sorry for your family's loss. It doesn't matter if it was complicated, it is still a loss.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:09 PM on April 2, 2023 [16 favorites]