Holidays alone
April 2, 2023 12:14 PM Subscribe
What should I do for Easter if I am living alone for the first time in 10 years, have no cooking supplies, money, or friends?
I was recently separated from my wife (not my decision), and my kids aren't really talking with me. I'm having a real hard time. My last question was about saving money because I barely have enough to scrape by and I'm learning very quickly maybe not even that amount.
The holidays have always brought me joy. I loved spending time with my kids, still love my s.t.e.w. (soon to be ex wife) and have no idea what to do in order to keep my mind off of... well the desolation.
Things I've tried to arrange: I called a few volunteer opportunities, but at each one was told that they already have too many volunteers and that they'd welcome me any other time. I'll take them up on that because maybe I can meet some friends. I called a few restaurants thinking I could put myself further in the red by having a meal. It's all family style. No, sit at the bar, type of situation.
How do you to find happiness while alone during the holidays? Maybe not even just at the holidays. How do you find happiness when everything crashed down around you? And before you answer, know that I'm working with my company's EAP to find a therapist who specializes in divorce/family issues.
Thank you big green. I appreciate you and your kindness.
I was recently separated from my wife (not my decision), and my kids aren't really talking with me. I'm having a real hard time. My last question was about saving money because I barely have enough to scrape by and I'm learning very quickly maybe not even that amount.
The holidays have always brought me joy. I loved spending time with my kids, still love my s.t.e.w. (soon to be ex wife) and have no idea what to do in order to keep my mind off of... well the desolation.
Things I've tried to arrange: I called a few volunteer opportunities, but at each one was told that they already have too many volunteers and that they'd welcome me any other time. I'll take them up on that because maybe I can meet some friends. I called a few restaurants thinking I could put myself further in the red by having a meal. It's all family style. No, sit at the bar, type of situation.
How do you to find happiness while alone during the holidays? Maybe not even just at the holidays. How do you find happiness when everything crashed down around you? And before you answer, know that I'm working with my company's EAP to find a therapist who specializes in divorce/family issues.
Thank you big green. I appreciate you and your kindness.
Do you live in a place where you can get outside and sit somewhere peaceful? A park, a communal garden, a beach? At my most sad and lonely moments, I feel a little better to sit on a blanket outside in the sunshine. Sending you peace and hope.
posted by silverstatue at 12:31 PM on April 2, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by silverstatue at 12:31 PM on April 2, 2023 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Even if you're not religious (since you used to celebrate Easter I assume you're at least culturally Christian), sitting in on a religious service may give you something to do with your time and feel like you're marking the holiday. I know Roman Catholics have very elaborate Easter services, either at midnight between Saturday and Sunday or at dawn on Sunday, and you can just sit at the back if you don't know the words and gestures.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 12:41 PM on April 2, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by I claim sanctuary at 12:41 PM on April 2, 2023 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Easter and springtime have been celebrated as a holiday of rebirth and renewal as long as humans have had holidays, and that seems like a great theme for where you are right now. Set some new intentions or goals for this next phase of your life. Join some meetups and get some social events on your calendar. Cue up a playlist of upbeat songs for a fresh new day and go for a walk.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 12:46 PM on April 2, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by Narrow Harbor at 12:46 PM on April 2, 2023 [8 favorites]
I mean personally I watched a video about the controversy surrounding Cedar the goat, browsed Metafilter for a while, and am about to go watch the latest episode of Rabbit Hole.
That said, I've had a lot of practice of not doing things for holidays over the years. At this point they're just days. How you get there is how you become resilient to anything. You sir with the feeling, really feel it, then say to yourself ok, we've had our time for grieving today and you do other stuff that you know you enjoy even if you don't feel like it right now.
posted by wierdo at 12:46 PM on April 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
That said, I've had a lot of practice of not doing things for holidays over the years. At this point they're just days. How you get there is how you become resilient to anything. You sir with the feeling, really feel it, then say to yourself ok, we've had our time for grieving today and you do other stuff that you know you enjoy even if you don't feel like it right now.
posted by wierdo at 12:46 PM on April 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Spring clean.
Make the space as unpacked and functional as it can be.
Actually put up a few things, so even if this space is temporary on some level, that it's yours.
This is might be a whole weekend task, but take breaks by:
Checking a map and visiting the three nearest green spaces to your new place.
Walking the three nearest blocks to your place - they might not be attractive, but it's good to know and be familiar with your neighbourhood.
Find the best rated park or 2 hour+ walk from where you are and go on an actual spring walk.
Take a packed lunch/picnic, since this is the same kind of stuff that'll save you money to prepare during the day, and you don't need cooking supplies for.
If the weather is bad, on the days that shops are open, go check out the nearest op-shops/secondhand shops to you, and get some of the things you *really really* need from unpacking and cleaning, like some of those cooking supplies.
Also check Craigslist & freecycle - even put up a wanted post. Easter is when other people spring clean and get rid of excess kitchen clutter too.
Check a map for the nearest, cheapest, food stores - check out what they have, particularly if there's anything interesting to try for your picnic or your lunches.
Find your nearest tulip planting and visit it.
Find your nearest library (in these days, services can be pretty sad looking, but find out what's available, and often they have online borrowing as well), and visit it.
Look at a list of free events for your area, and add 3 things to your calendar for the next few months of spring going into summer.
Extra points, get at least half an hour of sunlight before 11am if it's sunny - that helps too.
posted by Elysum at 1:23 PM on April 2, 2023 [12 favorites]
Make the space as unpacked and functional as it can be.
Actually put up a few things, so even if this space is temporary on some level, that it's yours.
This is might be a whole weekend task, but take breaks by:
Checking a map and visiting the three nearest green spaces to your new place.
Walking the three nearest blocks to your place - they might not be attractive, but it's good to know and be familiar with your neighbourhood.
Find the best rated park or 2 hour+ walk from where you are and go on an actual spring walk.
Take a packed lunch/picnic, since this is the same kind of stuff that'll save you money to prepare during the day, and you don't need cooking supplies for.
If the weather is bad, on the days that shops are open, go check out the nearest op-shops/secondhand shops to you, and get some of the things you *really really* need from unpacking and cleaning, like some of those cooking supplies.
Also check Craigslist & freecycle - even put up a wanted post. Easter is when other people spring clean and get rid of excess kitchen clutter too.
Check a map for the nearest, cheapest, food stores - check out what they have, particularly if there's anything interesting to try for your picnic or your lunches.
Find your nearest tulip planting and visit it.
Find your nearest library (in these days, services can be pretty sad looking, but find out what's available, and often they have online borrowing as well), and visit it.
Look at a list of free events for your area, and add 3 things to your calendar for the next few months of spring going into summer.
Extra points, get at least half an hour of sunlight before 11am if it's sunny - that helps too.
posted by Elysum at 1:23 PM on April 2, 2023 [12 favorites]
Seconding experimenting with renewal rituals. Some to consider: dress up/wear something special, for whatever that means for you, even if you're spending the day at home. Take a leisurely bath, if that's something you can do comfortably. Cook or bake something you like, or don't make often. Look for small pleasures, that don't demand too much of you and that you can easily move on from if they're not working for you. Minimize the pressure on yourself - it is worth trying to feel like the day is special, if that's what you want from it, but there isn't a particular way it "should" go.
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:25 PM on April 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:25 PM on April 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Try to do something new that is just for you. Don't try to recreate a version of how your family celebrated Easter before, that will just feel like a pale imitation. Whatever you used to do, stay away from that. If you went to church, went to an egg hunt and then had a big traditional dinner? Don't do that. Instead, go for a walk in a park, go to the library and check out a book or movie and ask a librarian to tell you about the other kinds of things you can check out (tools? camping gear? bikes? whatever your library has, now is the time to learn about it so you can plan to use it later). Cook yourself a nice dinner (not an Easter dinner, just something that you like -- it could be a chicken quesadilla if that sounds good to you!). Do you have family or friends you can call and have a chat with? Maybe let them know ahead of time that you are going to call and that you want them to tell you a story about something outrageous--it can even be a lie, as long as it's entertaining.
posted by OrangeDisk at 1:32 PM on April 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by OrangeDisk at 1:32 PM on April 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If weather allows, walk around outside, taking pictures of beautiful things (or anything you like). Do it in your area, or in an area or neighborhood you've been meaning to explore.
[If you like plants: it's spring, so pay attention to what they're up to. You might come across something you can make a cutting of, and just taking pictures of the new growths they're putting out can be nice.
Also if you like plants: in general, if you have any light where you live and feel like growing things, check out the freecycle/buy nothing groups in your area and see if people are giving away plants, seeds, or cuttings; seeds are also cheap, and you can always put a potato in water, sprout some beans or lentils, or plant a piece of ginger or any root vegetables that have started to sprout. When outdoor plants start putting out seeds you can collect and sprout those too. It's a cheap way to start something interesting, distracting, and often beautiful.]
Eat a piece of fruit to celebrate spring.
Make yourself some soup.
Call or write a friend or family member you haven't talked with in a long time.
You say your kids aren't talking with you at the moment, so do this only if you think the circumstances are right: write your kids short letters wishing them a happy holiday and supporting them.
In the evening read a good book or watch a good movie.
Write down for yourself some things you want to have done by next Easter. Try to pick things that are very doable and modest, versus things that are unpredictable or a big stretch. (You can look at the list a few times over the course of the year to see what you've done and what you've forgotten, but don't add to it.)
Then get some sleep.
posted by trig at 1:38 PM on April 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
[If you like plants: it's spring, so pay attention to what they're up to. You might come across something you can make a cutting of, and just taking pictures of the new growths they're putting out can be nice.
Also if you like plants: in general, if you have any light where you live and feel like growing things, check out the freecycle/buy nothing groups in your area and see if people are giving away plants, seeds, or cuttings; seeds are also cheap, and you can always put a potato in water, sprout some beans or lentils, or plant a piece of ginger or any root vegetables that have started to sprout. When outdoor plants start putting out seeds you can collect and sprout those too. It's a cheap way to start something interesting, distracting, and often beautiful.]
Eat a piece of fruit to celebrate spring.
Make yourself some soup.
Call or write a friend or family member you haven't talked with in a long time.
You say your kids aren't talking with you at the moment, so do this only if you think the circumstances are right: write your kids short letters wishing them a happy holiday and supporting them.
In the evening read a good book or watch a good movie.
Write down for yourself some things you want to have done by next Easter. Try to pick things that are very doable and modest, versus things that are unpredictable or a big stretch. (You can look at the list a few times over the course of the year to see what you've done and what you've forgotten, but don't add to it.)
Then get some sleep.
posted by trig at 1:38 PM on April 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
Seconding the "go to a church service" advice, even if you're only culturally Christian and not really a believer. With a little sleuthing, you will find a church that offers a whole Easter dinner after the Sunday morning service—there's usually at least one in every town. If you want it, you can almost certainly find one offering a meal on Thursday too in the evening (Maundy Thursday). People will be delighted to see you, you can introduce yourself to them and they will 100% guaranteed be hospitable. That will help from a money/cooking/food perspective, and it also might give you the opportunity to connect with a local community and make friends.
Trust me when I say that most churches—especially mainline Protestant churches, but Roman Catholic too—do not really care what you believe when you walk in the door; they're just happy to see you. And they won't care if you never come back again. They will see it as part of their religious duty and ministry to help you feel less lonely and hungry on Easter.
posted by branca at 2:10 PM on April 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
Trust me when I say that most churches—especially mainline Protestant churches, but Roman Catholic too—do not really care what you believe when you walk in the door; they're just happy to see you. And they won't care if you never come back again. They will see it as part of their religious duty and ministry to help you feel less lonely and hungry on Easter.
posted by branca at 2:10 PM on April 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
Drilling down in animal shelters: some here are interested in volunteer dog walkers, but aside from that many of them are also keen let you interact with the kittens in their enclosures to socialise them.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 2:56 PM on April 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 2:56 PM on April 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
Adding to the church suggestions: lots of churches, including mine, have WONDERFUL choir music.
posted by Melismata at 3:04 PM on April 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Melismata at 3:04 PM on April 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Seconding the walk outside. For many years, that was my Easter ritual - I'd go for a walk in the botanic garden nearby. There would always be new growth on all the plants, some flowers coming out, and enough snow cleared away to remind me that everything is reborn this time of year.
If that's not enough to give you the right vibe, listen to Tom Waits' song You Can Never Hold Back Spring on headphones as you walk.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:00 PM on April 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
If that's not enough to give you the right vibe, listen to Tom Waits' song You Can Never Hold Back Spring on headphones as you walk.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:00 PM on April 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: As the others say, getting out for a walk is a good idea. I like to walk early in the morning, as early as possible on holidays because it's quiet. And (depending where you're walking) you can hear the birds.
I'd also second going to the library. I'd recommend biographies or memoirs of famous people, athletes, film stars what have you, even if you don't know the person. Nothing too salacious or academic, but a good story. When you have things on your mind, these books are a way to get lost (in a good a way) in a story. They're often an easy read (I don't mean that as a slight), you know the story (what they did in their lives, etc.) and it's fun to hear inside stories of film sets or what have you.
I really wish you the best. Hang in there.
posted by philfromhavelock at 6:01 PM on April 2, 2023
I'd also second going to the library. I'd recommend biographies or memoirs of famous people, athletes, film stars what have you, even if you don't know the person. Nothing too salacious or academic, but a good story. When you have things on your mind, these books are a way to get lost (in a good a way) in a story. They're often an easy read (I don't mean that as a slight), you know the story (what they did in their lives, etc.) and it's fun to hear inside stories of film sets or what have you.
I really wish you the best. Hang in there.
posted by philfromhavelock at 6:01 PM on April 2, 2023
And if it is bad weather - decorate your own Easter eggs.
Which is what I will be doing Wednesday - we decorate with wax, transfer papers, vegetable dyes, food dyes, leaves - you name it.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 9:25 PM on April 2, 2023
Which is what I will be doing Wednesday - we decorate with wax, transfer papers, vegetable dyes, food dyes, leaves - you name it.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 9:25 PM on April 2, 2023
Best answer: Hey mate, first thing's first—this is me, for reference.
How do you find happiness when everything crashed down around you?
You won't for a while. You might be pretty disoriented for some time. Even when you're happy you might not recognize it, or you might resent that happiness. So just... take each day as it comes and see what it's like to just "be present with yourself." I put that last bit in quotation marks because it might not make sense to you, but as you walk your way through therapy I think it will become mroe understandable and relevant. I think a big task, a herculean task, a sisyphean task when things collapse is to resist the temptation to avoid feeling-thinking-knowing about the collapse. And that means, like Sisyphus, pushing whatever stone up whatever hill you've got.
As I reflect back on my past few years, I can see the sense of it. I can see how resilience has come from being an active participant in how I feel, for lack of a better way of putting it. I could not see that when the collapse was fresh. More than that, I didn't want to see it. You may feel that way, too, and that's OK. That's where you are now. Feel your feelings. No matter how silyl that may sound, you're in a collapse so it might be a little weird if you were happy right now. So don't avoid things that you like about Easter and holidays. Even if you have to do them alone, and that alone-ness makes you sad, do what you like to do and let the sadness come along for the ride. Don't avoid your life because there is pain in it. Live your life.
Some thoughts for you to consider, all from my wheelhouse and maybe not the most relevant for you, but still they're ideas to keep in mind as examples of things that helped someone else build meaning and resilience in a difficult time:
1. Walks, walks, walks. Lots of walks. Be outdoors. Rain? Sure. Sun? OK. Cold? Yep. Hot? You bet. Log some outside miles moving. Take music or podcasts along or keep it quiet. Not sure what to do with your Easter time? Make your walk include observing what decorations people have put up. Are there dcorations you like more than others? WHat are those, can you seek them out? How many of those do you think you can spot in a 90 miute weekend walk?
2. I'll extend this idea to include anything outside, whether it's active or not: bike rides, picking up a C25K app and getting into a jogging routine, watching tai chi videos on YouTube and trying to learn the poses in your house before seeing if you can find a nice spot in the park to do it, packing a picnic in your backpack and takign it and a blanket to the park for a nice meal and snooze outside, etc.
3. Cooking something special for yourself, even if it's just a simple plate of pasta. Pay attention to all of the steps and carry them out with care. Don't rush. Use a nice place setting for yourself, even if it means repurposing an old kitchen towel as a placemat.
4. Invent a new routine, a reward to acknowledge that you're doing a good job while dealing with difficult circumstances. Maybe it's making a routine of making that special meal for yourself twice a week. Maybe it's a long Sunday morning walk, the first thing you do in the day, with a stop along the way to grab a nice coffee. Maybe it's a browse through the biography section of the library on a weekly basis, pulling volumes down at random and opening to a few sections to see if you can dip into interesting stories from other peoples' lives that will bounce around in your head for the next few days.
5. What else can you think of?
I'm sorry things are so uncomfortable for you right now. Give yourself time to adapt and respond.There's no need to rush yourself through what you're feeling (and dealing with).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:00 AM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
How do you find happiness when everything crashed down around you?
You won't for a while. You might be pretty disoriented for some time. Even when you're happy you might not recognize it, or you might resent that happiness. So just... take each day as it comes and see what it's like to just "be present with yourself." I put that last bit in quotation marks because it might not make sense to you, but as you walk your way through therapy I think it will become mroe understandable and relevant. I think a big task, a herculean task, a sisyphean task when things collapse is to resist the temptation to avoid feeling-thinking-knowing about the collapse. And that means, like Sisyphus, pushing whatever stone up whatever hill you've got.
As I reflect back on my past few years, I can see the sense of it. I can see how resilience has come from being an active participant in how I feel, for lack of a better way of putting it. I could not see that when the collapse was fresh. More than that, I didn't want to see it. You may feel that way, too, and that's OK. That's where you are now. Feel your feelings. No matter how silyl that may sound, you're in a collapse so it might be a little weird if you were happy right now. So don't avoid things that you like about Easter and holidays. Even if you have to do them alone, and that alone-ness makes you sad, do what you like to do and let the sadness come along for the ride. Don't avoid your life because there is pain in it. Live your life.
Some thoughts for you to consider, all from my wheelhouse and maybe not the most relevant for you, but still they're ideas to keep in mind as examples of things that helped someone else build meaning and resilience in a difficult time:
1. Walks, walks, walks. Lots of walks. Be outdoors. Rain? Sure. Sun? OK. Cold? Yep. Hot? You bet. Log some outside miles moving. Take music or podcasts along or keep it quiet. Not sure what to do with your Easter time? Make your walk include observing what decorations people have put up. Are there dcorations you like more than others? WHat are those, can you seek them out? How many of those do you think you can spot in a 90 miute weekend walk?
2. I'll extend this idea to include anything outside, whether it's active or not: bike rides, picking up a C25K app and getting into a jogging routine, watching tai chi videos on YouTube and trying to learn the poses in your house before seeing if you can find a nice spot in the park to do it, packing a picnic in your backpack and takign it and a blanket to the park for a nice meal and snooze outside, etc.
3. Cooking something special for yourself, even if it's just a simple plate of pasta. Pay attention to all of the steps and carry them out with care. Don't rush. Use a nice place setting for yourself, even if it means repurposing an old kitchen towel as a placemat.
4. Invent a new routine, a reward to acknowledge that you're doing a good job while dealing with difficult circumstances. Maybe it's making a routine of making that special meal for yourself twice a week. Maybe it's a long Sunday morning walk, the first thing you do in the day, with a stop along the way to grab a nice coffee. Maybe it's a browse through the biography section of the library on a weekly basis, pulling volumes down at random and opening to a few sections to see if you can dip into interesting stories from other peoples' lives that will bounce around in your head for the next few days.
5. What else can you think of?
I'm sorry things are so uncomfortable for you right now. Give yourself time to adapt and respond.There's no need to rush yourself through what you're feeling (and dealing with).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:00 AM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
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Also not knowing where you live but exercise ... hiking? Urban or rural. Yoga? Check videos on YT.
Hang in there bruh.
posted by falsedmitri at 12:24 PM on April 2, 2023 [5 favorites]