Adjusting to parenthood--hope me!

March 5, 2023 10:35 PM

I have an 11 month old baby. After a rough start (NICU + surgery) he has been doing well and is healthy. I have a supportive partner. Baby goes to daycare three days per week and partner watches him two days while I am working full time (high stress job caring for others). I find myself lonely and stressed and missing pre-baby life. Hope me?

I didn't meet my partner till my mid 30s and we had a baby when I was 38. I was fortunate to spend my 20s and 30s on education and career advancement. I was lonely and sometimes depressed during that time, but also had time for reading, running, activism, travel. Now I have very little time that I am not "on" and it feels like I will never get to truly relax and enjoy those things again. I have good friends but most of them live far away so friendship is calls and texts. We have family who are wonderful but a five hour drive away. Our kid hates his carseat and stroller so we don't really go anywhere with him on weekends. It's just playing with him all day. Maybe with short breaks so we can each get some work done. My worry is that despite having 20 years of adulthood behind me before becoming a mom, I miscalculated and this is actually going to be really long, lonely, and frustrating. If you have been in my shoes, Hope me?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

You need a babysitter scheduled once a week for you to have "me" time - schedule it for the same day every week, even if it is a lame day like Tuesday nights. The time can be used for anything - a date, a movie, yoga, coffee shop, grocery shopping, with partner and without. Baby will eventually become more independent and you won't need to be so on. But it takes time, so do what you can to support yourself now.
posted by Toddles at 11:18 PM on March 5, 2023 [3 favorites]

Hi! I’m only a few months ahead of you with a 16 month old, but oh man I feel you on how much having a baby takes away your free time (and free energy)! A few thoughts:

1) How are you sleeping, and how is your baby sleeping? I’m of the opinion that there’s only so much you can do about your baby’s sleep habits (IMO, a lot of the really intense sleep programs/dogmas/etc. are mostly to help parents feel a sense of control over something that’s mostly dependent on how a baby is wired), but I felt a huge increase in my sense of self and feeling of having time when my guy started reliably sleeping through the night. Even though chores and life tasks can fill up those hours in the evening, I treasure them. If your baby isn’t sleeping through the night right now and you feel like your routine is working for you and for your baby, just know that there’s a light on the horizon (eventually!) where you’ll have more time for yourself.

2) If there’s any way you can work on the stroller/car seat situation so you can get out more, do it! Even if it’s accepting that your baby will be grumpy about the trip but enjoy the destination. Getting out of the house felt like a chore without a lot of payoff when I had a tiny baby who wasn’t getting much out of being out in the world, but every month as my son’s gotten older, it feels like he gets more out of going out as he gets more mobile and interactive. And getting out can really really help the stir craziness that comes when you spend an entire weekend in the same house with the same toys and the same people.

3) Do you and your partner feel OK trading off and being solely responsible for the baby? Maybe this isn’t an issue for you, but I 100% have found myself hesitating to go out and do non-essential things by myself on the weekend when it means leaving my husband solo with our son, even though I know he’s fully capable of handling things by himself. It’s mom guilt and knowing that solo parenting is tough, but I think it’s crucial to have that time.

Also, I wanted to validate that it’s ok to miss your life before being a parent! Babies can be frustrating and boring and they unquestionably drastically decrease your time for yourself.
posted by MadamM at 11:20 PM on March 5, 2023 [5 favorites]

The only parenting advice I ever got that proved universally true was: It goes so fast. It really does. When you're in the middle of it, it's hard to see. This stage is very real, and it is temporary, it will pass! Hang in there, change is coming.
posted by evilmomlady at 4:44 AM on March 6, 2023 [6 favorites]

Mine is 9 now, and I also had her in my mid/late 30s. It took until she was around 3 to feel like a real whole person again. Getting caught up on sleep was the biggest part. But what also helped was just not needing to have her on me, right there with me, trying to guess all her needs, etc. Make spots for the time where you're able, but know that this is going to get better from this point onward.
posted by bizzyb at 5:00 AM on March 6, 2023 [5 favorites]

Firstly, what you are experiencing is normal and don't feel guilty about needing extra help outside of your partner - our society is not always great at helping parents in the post partum period. So my suggestion to you, If you can afford it, would be to look into getting a post partum doula. A good doula will help you get through a lot of what you're experiencing and can tailor the help to your specific needs. If you choose to get one, when interviewing them (you need to interview them to ensure that you are a good fit with each other), be frank about your needs and concerns. My partner has been a doula for 25+ years and she helps people in your exact situation all the time.
posted by Ashwagandha at 5:48 AM on March 6, 2023 [4 favorites]

This was me in the first year! You can check my question history. I can tell you it’s a lot better two years down the road, and you get used to the new phase of life enough that you don’t miss the old one after a while. It will never be as carefree and idyllic as the old one — there’s a human to be raised, after all — but it’s not as relentless and exhausting as the first year.

I will warn you that you may another year or so before you can start to feel content in the new normal and get good sleep and so on. I’m sorry. But I’m here to show that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Nevertheless, try not to fall into the trap of playing with the baby at home all the time. It will drive you crazy and it’s not great for the baby to not be exposed to places outside the house. (I say this as someone who did stay home all the time, partly because I didn’t know how to take the baby out and about, and partly due to the pandemic.)

Babies will hate the car seat and stroller if they’re not used to being restrained. That’s ok! Let them cry and fuss for a few outings and they’ll get over it. I learned this because I used to avoid long stroller walks, and then our nanny started doing them even with the baby fussing in the first couple of weeks.

Find local mom groups or talk to parents in the playground and set up play dates so you have a bit of social time on weekends while being with the baby.

If you can swing it, I would suggest adding another day to daycare in the week so your spouse can relax and run errands that day, and take some weight off you on evenings and weekends.
posted by redlines at 5:54 AM on March 6, 2023 [7 favorites]

This is so normal and so hard. For me it's gotten a lot better in the stretch from 11 months to now (21 months) - they become so much more fun and interactive, they start following simple instructions and communicating, and you can see their little minds making connections so quickly. It's still hard in different ways but there are many new fun things too. Different phases are harder for different parents, but most phases don't last too long until changing to a new set of challenges.

For us, some scheduled baby-free time for each of us is critical. We each get about an hour, about 3-4 times per week. We also go out for a long walk all together every weekend and that helps us unwind and connect. I'm sure getting more sleep and going out with friends would be helpful too but those are unfortunately things I still struggle with (but some people can manage them).
posted by randomnity at 6:02 AM on March 6, 2023

It gets so much better! You're in a really tough stage since you can't take your eyes off baby for a second, which makes socializing hard if you can even get out of the house. That will change over the next few years.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:56 AM on March 6, 2023 [1 favorite]

I could have written this about 12 years ago. Those baby years are HARD AF. This is particularly so if you had a long time getting used to your independence and then wham, the baby arrives and disrupts everything.

But, I will tell you emphatically with every fiber of my being that IT GETS BETTER. SO MUCH BETTER.

I think I really turned the corner when my first turned 2. He was able to entertain himself more and this was a game changer for me. I hate entertaining another person with a passion so when this happened it was like getting out of baby jail.

The baby turns 13 next week and loves sharing stupid YouTube videos with me now. Do I miss the cuddly baby days? Strangely, yes. He is no longer cuddly or snuggly but I will not tell you to love every minute - or even every other minute - because you are in the tunnel and I promise there is light at the end.

(But do please give your little a snuggle for me). Feel free to memail me for additional support. I got so much good advice from the Green when I was in this stage and I would love to pay it back.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:59 AM on March 6, 2023 [4 favorites]

Yes, definitely it will get easier. I have a two and a half year old, and there's definitely a little more breathing room as she becomes more independent and able to play on her own. That said, taking care of a kid is (obviously) very time-consuming, so I do think you'll need to reconcile yourself to having less time for some of that other stuff. One thing I've noticed is that you need to be a lot more intentional about making the "your life" stuff happen - you can't rely on just being able drift into it the way you might have in the past.

One tip: make sure you and your partner aren't doing baby tasks together that could be split. I remember talking to some other parent friends of mine, and I was like "oh it's my turn to do bedtime" and they both got quiet and then said "we've both been doing bedtime every night because it honestly didn't occur to us to alternate until you just said that."
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:01 AM on March 6, 2023 [2 favorites]

I had my kids in mid/late 30s, too. It's a huge adjustment & that first year was so hard, but it does get better.

Have you joined the Metafilter parenting group on Facebook? It's a great group of people with kids at many ages & stages. Message sestaaak to join.
posted by belladonna at 8:05 AM on March 6, 2023 [5 favorites]

I have a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old. It took me about a year to even begin piecing back together a 'normal' life after the first baby. I am also a runner and I am just starting to figure out how to run again this past week--I ran ~700 miles in 2022 before baby #2 arrived on Labor Day and 6 miles, total, from Labor Day through February.

The best way to reclaim time is to have everyone on a routine. Ideally I am up at 5 and am asleep by 10. I know that my children will not be awake before 6 and will be asleep by 8. So even if I am responsible for all the childcare on a given day, I know that I'm still going to have those three hours to take care of my own needs and wants. It's not possible to have a newborn on a routine, but it becomes more and more possible each day.

Finally, I would continue to interrogate the idea that you can't take your child anywhere. I really like to take my children places, I get really bored at home trying to think of things for them to do so in some ways being out and about is easier. Can you take trips that don't involve carseat or stroller? Can you borrow a different carseat or stroller and see whether that changes anything? Can you just put up with an amount of crying to drive to a fun destination, to begin to train your child that driving in the car can lead to fun times (whatever fun times looks like for you and yours, we like the mall: bad weather usually here in minnesota, lots of people/lights for small children to look at, a lot of malls have free play areas, you don't have to buy anything and can just walk around so the cost can be low, I am a standard basic elder millenial Murican and genuinely enjoy a mall trip and my children pick up on my enjoyment)
posted by Kwine at 9:30 AM on March 6, 2023

As others have said, it will get better, but some things that might help in the meantime:

Make some local parent friends so you can hang out together while parenting.

If you can walk anywhere in your neighborhood, try out various carriers to see if the baby tolerates them better than the stroller/ car seat. (Also, a lot of kids don't mind the car as much when you can turn the car seat to face forward.)

I used to work at summer camps and couldn't imagine doing that after having my kids, because it demands so much of the same sorts of energy. Do you want to consider a career shift?
posted by metasarah at 9:53 AM on March 6, 2023

I have a six month old. I am deep in my feels these days about a bunch of stuff, but the things that have been helping my mental health and sense of self the most have been:

1) Making local parent friends with kids the same approximate age. I did this a couple of ways - I joined a postpartum support group, I took prenatal (and then postpartum!) yoga and was AGGRESSIVE about getting people's contact info and setting up times to hang, and I even found someone through a local subreddit because someone creeped my posts in other subs and reached out. It's so ridiculously hard to schedule things because everyone is busy, but it's also so nice having group chats with people who get it, and knowing that generally our plans by default are baby-welcome. I also have a parent Discord I joined when I was pregnant with people due the same month, and seeing so many interesting people living their lives helps me feel like it isn't just going to be the infant slog forever. I feel like a class or some other sort of structured group activity is helpful because then you have some repeat contact with people built in and it makes it easier to take a few swings at befriending people. Have you met any of the parents in your kid's room at daycare?

2) Leaving the house lots, even if the baby doesn't care for it. My son thinks that car seats are a war crime. He goes through phases when he thinks the baby carrier or the stroller are made of lava. We still go out and do stuff constantly, because it's good for both of us to get out and have a change of scenery and fresh air, and if he starts squalling, well, babies have a right to exist in public too. I also feel like it's important for him to grow up understanding that he's part of a whole family, and that means sometimes we have to do things that aren't his favorite, like running errands. And I've found that as I've done it more, both of us are more comfortable getting out and about, and he's gotten better at napping in the stroller or carrier, and entertaining himself looking around at things or playing with a toy on a leash. We just got back from a week in Germany, and, granted, my husband was miserable and doesn't want to do anything like that again, but I would 100% travel with the baby again in a heartbeat, because it's important to me.

3) My partner and I take turns giving each other an afternoon "off" on weekends. I haven't been as diligent as I should be about taking time away for myself since I went back to work, because I miss my kid a lot during the week and don't really want time away during his waking hours, but this system has allowed us to carve out a little time for our pre-baby hobbies and I've done things like take myself alone to the movies. Because sometimes all I want is some peace and for nobody to need anything from me for a little bit.

It's hard, man. Babies are just kind of relentless and it's really easy to get into a rut where I feel like I just give and give and give and give and have nothing left of me anymore. I love my son so much, but motherhood is kind of the pits. And our society doesn't really help. But I really think if you can make some parent friends and feel a little better about getting out of the house with the baby, you'll feel worlds better. Neither of those are SIMPLE or EASY, but they are definitely possible and worth it.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 10:44 AM on March 6, 2023 [1 favorite]

Nthing it gets better, so much better. I had a hard time with my pandemic baby especially in the first year, she is almost 3 and I feel more like myself again. In the meantime see if you can get some more time to yourself as needed, it's hard when your spouse is doing a good chunk of the childcare.
posted by lafemma at 1:04 PM on March 6, 2023

I think the period when kids are mobile but can't yet talk are the most exhausting (except perhaps the first month when the shock of having an infant totally dependent on you for absolutely everything is cataclysmic). They are soooo needy, must be watched every second, and start to nap less. I hated when my kids gave up their afternoon nap., but maybe your child isn't there yet.

Specifically responding to your reluctance to leave your baby with your partner - caring for your child while you are out of the house or otherwise occupied is not "babysitting" - Your spouse is the child's parent! That person needs to be as familiar with caring for every conceivable situation as you are, and therefore needs to have practice. I'm also an older parent (36 and 38) and eventually we increased the daycare days so we had at least a few hours of free time, either alone or together, without our child/ren. It made a tremendous difference, as both parents had activities where we could not accommodate children. We didn't feel we had lost our sense of self quite as much, and we could also have some uninterrupted adult conversation. And even if your friends are local it does seem like in-person visiting really takes a back seat until the kids are able to interact more with other children.

I would persist with using the carseat/stroller, as this really ties you to your home. Once your child accepts that strapping into a seat is not negotiable, they will accept it. And if you can go somewhere stimulating (grocery store?) or playground, the kid will be tuckered out and sleep well on the way home.

Good luck!
posted by citygirl at 2:49 PM on March 6, 2023 [1 favorite]

Mod note: From the OP:

Thank you for all the gracious responses! You have convinced me that the first 11 months are not necessarily representative of what this whole experience of parenting will be. In fairness to my husband, I wanted to add that he does more childcare than I do (I am the breastfeeder/breadwinner but he does a greater portion of the other care) and I definitely trust him to watch our son alone (as he does a few days per week). I just am less of a homebody than he is and our baby's whining lights my brain on fire in a way that it doesn't for my spouse. So the weekends make me more miserable.

posted by travelingthyme (staff) at 4:51 PM on March 6, 2023 [2 favorites]