What to do when feeling lonely yet you have social anxiety?
February 25, 2023 12:10 PM Subscribe
I’m feeling antsy to get out of my house and feel stuck trying to find something that won’t feel more lonely or set off my social anxiety.
I’ve been in my house for days (I am WFH) and while my job is interacting with people virtually all day, I have felt really lonely. Even though my partner is here, he is exhausted after his work week and needs to rest at home. I’m an outgoing introvert and been craving some kind of novel interaction this weekend but I am a little bit afraid of trying something new. I perused Meetup but I remember going to a couple in the past and feeling more alone and eventually clammed up and snuck out of the event. It was pretty clique-y already, which could have been bad timing. Maybe I just tried a group that was a wrong fit for me. I thought about going to a coffee shop to be surrounded by people but I think that would just remind me that all my friends are busy and far away currently. I feel lonely enough that I would try a church again, but I would need to find a progressive church.
Does anyone have ideas for what to try when you’re feeling lonely but also have some social anxiety? For an event that promotes talking to each other (improv?) I would be more able to talk to other people and would do it, but am also looking for something where I could go in and out of interacting with someone ideally. I live in a larger city but do have a lower budget so I couldn’t do say…a woodworking class. I’m open to anything but rock climbing. Also open to any solo ideas that aren’t social focused but still address that lonely feeling. TIA
I’ve been in my house for days (I am WFH) and while my job is interacting with people virtually all day, I have felt really lonely. Even though my partner is here, he is exhausted after his work week and needs to rest at home. I’m an outgoing introvert and been craving some kind of novel interaction this weekend but I am a little bit afraid of trying something new. I perused Meetup but I remember going to a couple in the past and feeling more alone and eventually clammed up and snuck out of the event. It was pretty clique-y already, which could have been bad timing. Maybe I just tried a group that was a wrong fit for me. I thought about going to a coffee shop to be surrounded by people but I think that would just remind me that all my friends are busy and far away currently. I feel lonely enough that I would try a church again, but I would need to find a progressive church.
Does anyone have ideas for what to try when you’re feeling lonely but also have some social anxiety? For an event that promotes talking to each other (improv?) I would be more able to talk to other people and would do it, but am also looking for something where I could go in and out of interacting with someone ideally. I live in a larger city but do have a lower budget so I couldn’t do say…a woodworking class. I’m open to anything but rock climbing. Also open to any solo ideas that aren’t social focused but still address that lonely feeling. TIA
If you've got an orchestra in your area, grab a last minute ticket and go to a show. Chat up your seat neighbors. Find a solo elderly person sitting on a lobby bench during intermission and say how much you enjoyed the last performance, ask them if they've seen it before.
posted by phunniemee at 12:34 PM on February 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 12:34 PM on February 25, 2023 [7 favorites]
I am an endless promoter of lindy hop - social dancing is great for extroverted introverts! In the state that you mention in a previous question, there are a couple of good scenes with instructors that respect the history of the dance and try to make their spaces inclusive, and where there’s likely to be a weekly dance with a free intro lesson.
Live music might be similar - where you are enjoying *with* other folks but not under any pressure to interact. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, going to the library and asking a librarian’s help with some project (check library listings also for classes or opportunities to volunteer, e.g., with ESL language practice, etc.), walking in parks where people exercise their doggos and you can share smiles?
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 12:36 PM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Live music might be similar - where you are enjoying *with* other folks but not under any pressure to interact. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, going to the library and asking a librarian’s help with some project (check library listings also for classes or opportunities to volunteer, e.g., with ESL language practice, etc.), walking in parks where people exercise their doggos and you can share smiles?
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 12:36 PM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Like trying to save money or starting to work out, trying to socialize works better when you "automate" it. You'll see way more of your friends if you host a regular game night every 2nd and 4th Saturday of the month vs. if you just set a reminder for yourself every other week to call them and ask if they're free to hang out.
The other thought I have is that you have to make it more difficult for yourself to give up on your chosen social activity, or bail on something you thought you might join in. It strikes me that your reasons for backing out of everything you tried was that you didn't find a readymade set of people who were just the right type, all waiting to welcome exactly you, and doing activities that you were interested in. But, like, what if you think of social things in a completely different way: not a way to be accepted, not even a way to just have fun but rather something you have an investment in - something you feel an obligation to? I'll explain what I mean -
Meetup groups are waaaaaay too low effort, too easy to bail on just because you don't feel like it that evening. But if you signed up for a volunteer shift at the food bank? Or if you feel accountable to your writing group to show up wek after week, because you're personally invested in being a good writing group member? Or if you take on the responsibility to be the organizer of some biweekly meetup activity, and you're the one trying to hustle up interested participants? You're much less likely to bail. Close all your easy outs. Give yourself no choice but to show up.
posted by MiraK at 12:36 PM on February 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
The other thought I have is that you have to make it more difficult for yourself to give up on your chosen social activity, or bail on something you thought you might join in. It strikes me that your reasons for backing out of everything you tried was that you didn't find a readymade set of people who were just the right type, all waiting to welcome exactly you, and doing activities that you were interested in. But, like, what if you think of social things in a completely different way: not a way to be accepted, not even a way to just have fun but rather something you have an investment in - something you feel an obligation to? I'll explain what I mean -
Meetup groups are waaaaaay too low effort, too easy to bail on just because you don't feel like it that evening. But if you signed up for a volunteer shift at the food bank? Or if you feel accountable to your writing group to show up wek after week, because you're personally invested in being a good writing group member? Or if you take on the responsibility to be the organizer of some biweekly meetup activity, and you're the one trying to hustle up interested participants? You're much less likely to bail. Close all your easy outs. Give yourself no choice but to show up.
posted by MiraK at 12:36 PM on February 25, 2023 [6 favorites]
I would suggest joining a community choir if you’re at all into that idea. I’m also a person with social anxiety who sometimes gets lonely, and I highly recommend this - it really helps me a lot
posted by Samarium at 12:44 PM on February 25, 2023
posted by Samarium at 12:44 PM on February 25, 2023
Rather than a meetup, I would suggest something in a class/walking tour format, since it will have structured introductions, a leader/instructor to guide everyone, plus some quiet introvert time. Near me there are pottery workshops, guided hikes and historical house tours, memoir or poetry writing workshops, etc.
posted by xo at 12:48 PM on February 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by xo at 12:48 PM on February 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
Check your local library events. Ours has a silent reading meetup, where you can sit silently and read with others, then has a social time afterwards for people to chat. Overall the library seems to have a lot of introvert friendly meetups. And you may have similar things with local bookstores, games stores, music venues, etc. Just start looking at the local stuff rather than big meetup websites.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:49 PM on February 25, 2023
posted by Crystalinne at 12:49 PM on February 25, 2023
Volunteer. Having a job you’re performing takes the edge off the social interactions while still letting you meet other people.
I’m in a similar situation to you and I volunteer once a week at a local library. I have gotten to know the other members of the staff as well as making one good friend just answering a patron’s questions. And it’s a good cause.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:52 PM on February 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
I’m in a similar situation to you and I volunteer once a week at a local library. I have gotten to know the other members of the staff as well as making one good friend just answering a patron’s questions. And it’s a good cause.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:52 PM on February 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
If you wanted to go the church route, maybe you could try a Unitarian service? Definitely progressive, and in my (limited) experience there’s usually a coffee hour afterward where friendly people will approach you to chat!
posted by bijoubijou at 1:58 PM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by bijoubijou at 1:58 PM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I signed up for a women's kung fu class a while back, and it was a good balance of having an instructor running the show, interacting with classmates, and seeing the same people a couple times a week so that I got to know them a little. Something like that where you're seeing the same people on a consistent basis may help, since you won't have the full "argh, an entire group of new strangers" hurdle every time. (It was also new and awkward for all of us, so we'd all have conversations about that.)
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 3:26 PM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 3:26 PM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
There are often lots of ways to take classes that don't require a ton of money. Check out hardware stores, fabric/sewing/craft stores, community/municipal/county/regional continuing education and extension services, makerspaces. You can often find those for a few dollars, or free with a few dollars tip to the facilitator.
Anything where you're working side-by-side with people will be easier because you'll have something to focus on while socializing. Find your local outreach/mutual aid groups that are cooking and distributing meals, assembling and giving out groceries or hygiene items, get trained to run warming/cooling centers.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:39 PM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Anything where you're working side-by-side with people will be easier because you'll have something to focus on while socializing. Find your local outreach/mutual aid groups that are cooking and distributing meals, assembling and giving out groceries or hygiene items, get trained to run warming/cooling centers.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:39 PM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Your anxiety is making you come at this from the wrong angle. This question of the perfect event for your particular constellation of social needs is nice and has resulted in some fine suggestions, but if you don’t address the anxiety first it will just come up with a million tiny reasons why each one of these suggestions is all wrong and keep you from doing any of them.
My suggestion is that you reframe things a little. Instead of trying to find the perfect thing for your whole issue at once, do a series of small activities that will help but crucially are not intended to make the whole issue go away at once. So that way, you have more options for activities in the end and don’t need to find the perfect one to assuage your anxiety’s Byzantine rules.
Start by just going for a walk around your block. If dogs make you happy, pick a time when a lot of people are out walking their dogs, like early in the morning or before dinner, but really just go outside and warm up your body. So much anxiety is connected to our physical bodies. The more you make getting dressed and getting out the door a simple quick thing that doesn’t need to lead to ideal social interaction, the easier it is to mitigate loneliness.
Move on to a coffee shop, and if you’re not feeling okay about hanging out there for whatever reason, just turn it into a walk to get coffee and a nice walk back. No focusing on how isolated you feel, just focusing on your body moving around the world, being around other people, the smell of coffee, etc. If staying there seems okay, you can do that too, but not to like, absorb social energy from the people around you. Just to drink your coffee, and maybe read for a little while, or listen to the pop music they’re playing, or whatever. Don’t set up expectations for your anxiety to rip apart, basically.
Do a few more simple things like this. Keep going for walks, getting coffee or picking up sandwiches, maybe go to a movie, if you have local live music in a bar check it out but not with the expectation to truly vibe. Shave away the social anxiety with repeated acceptable experiences.
Go ahead and commit to a class or volunteering or game nights or whatever, but don’t put all your social needs into the one basket. Pet dogs on your walks, ask the barista if they picked the music, learn about the local social scene without needing to fit into it. From one shut in to another, I can say that going out and doing things is massively easier when it does not ever need to be the perfect thing.
posted by Mizu at 4:33 PM on February 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
My suggestion is that you reframe things a little. Instead of trying to find the perfect thing for your whole issue at once, do a series of small activities that will help but crucially are not intended to make the whole issue go away at once. So that way, you have more options for activities in the end and don’t need to find the perfect one to assuage your anxiety’s Byzantine rules.
Start by just going for a walk around your block. If dogs make you happy, pick a time when a lot of people are out walking their dogs, like early in the morning or before dinner, but really just go outside and warm up your body. So much anxiety is connected to our physical bodies. The more you make getting dressed and getting out the door a simple quick thing that doesn’t need to lead to ideal social interaction, the easier it is to mitigate loneliness.
Move on to a coffee shop, and if you’re not feeling okay about hanging out there for whatever reason, just turn it into a walk to get coffee and a nice walk back. No focusing on how isolated you feel, just focusing on your body moving around the world, being around other people, the smell of coffee, etc. If staying there seems okay, you can do that too, but not to like, absorb social energy from the people around you. Just to drink your coffee, and maybe read for a little while, or listen to the pop music they’re playing, or whatever. Don’t set up expectations for your anxiety to rip apart, basically.
Do a few more simple things like this. Keep going for walks, getting coffee or picking up sandwiches, maybe go to a movie, if you have local live music in a bar check it out but not with the expectation to truly vibe. Shave away the social anxiety with repeated acceptable experiences.
Go ahead and commit to a class or volunteering or game nights or whatever, but don’t put all your social needs into the one basket. Pet dogs on your walks, ask the barista if they picked the music, learn about the local social scene without needing to fit into it. From one shut in to another, I can say that going out and doing things is massively easier when it does not ever need to be the perfect thing.
posted by Mizu at 4:33 PM on February 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
I have severe social anxiety and attending Unitarian Universalist church services has at times satisfied my need to be with people while not having to actually be with people, if you know what I mean. Sit down, stand up, sing, recite, listen to a non-objectionable sermon, leave. Your social anxiety mileage may vary. I eventually was okay with joining the choir, another activity with highly prescribed routines, but never got comfortable with the coffee hour and never made friends that I was comfortable interacting with outside the choir-rehearsal format. But I always felt better leaving the Sunday service than I had going in.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:27 PM on February 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by Daily Alice at 5:27 PM on February 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
I have social anxiety that requires medication, and I also occasionally have to deal with feelings of loneliness. It is not an easy situation. I have found two things that have helped lately: 1) playing multiplayer video games with friends and using chat functionality to talk, without physical contact; and, 2) visiting a local spa to be in people's physical presence, and relaxed, without feeling obliged to converse or otherwise interact with strangers. These two options are complementary enough that I get what I need. I can't say this will work for you, but it has helped me out immensely with my mental health in another otherwise dreary PNW winter.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 7:01 PM on February 25, 2023
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 7:01 PM on February 25, 2023
I really like volunteering for random things that only last a few hours to meet this kind of a need. While having a consistent weekly commitment to volunteering has its place, I wouldn't say it's the best place to start when you're not sure about how you'll feel about being there. Look for something that's going on just once and sign up to show up for a single shift. You'll undoubtedly meet some pleasant people (and probably some unpleasant people), your desire for socialization will be filled with an easy out after a few hours, you'll get to chat in a low key way without that being the main goal, and you'll do something helpful/fulfilling its own right. Typically you can look for stuff on VolunteerMatch, Eventbrite, Idealist, and also just by googling in your specific city. I tend to like things that are active -- street cleanup, trail work, event helper, etc. and usually if I find an organization that's planning something, I can add myself to their calendar and find out other events they have coming up, which if I had fun volunteering often offer opportunities to see those fellow volunteers again. I've found that often you get matched up with a person or two for a specific task, you hang out with them for a short time, and then you get a new task/new person, so you're not stuck. I like that it's usually pretty easy to shift around to doing things I like and chatting with people I like without having to make too many decisions. Also, there's often an option where you don't have to talk much and can just focus on the task, which is a relief. Good luck!
posted by luzdeluna at 9:42 AM on February 26, 2023
posted by luzdeluna at 9:42 AM on February 26, 2023
Hello, longtime lurker (see: my own social anxiety) posting for the first time because I so identify with this question! Here are some things I have found helpful. Volunteering is a big one that's been covered plenty already.
-hanging out in a busy coffee shop with a book or work. Even if I don't talk to anyone it helps me feel like I'm part of the world.
-as above, attending a UU service. I actually just attended one via zoom this morning , so if you can find a group meeting online it's an even lower barrier to entry than going in person
-online dating/friend apps-- I usually say up front I'm shy /socially anxious, so tend to match with similar folks. Can be good for getting some social contact even if we don't meet up
-book club-- I found mine via meetup. I do much better when there is something specific to talk about.
Feel free to memail me if you want to connect with someone who entirely gets this dilemma!
posted by jane addams at 11:41 AM on February 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
-hanging out in a busy coffee shop with a book or work. Even if I don't talk to anyone it helps me feel like I'm part of the world.
-as above, attending a UU service. I actually just attended one via zoom this morning , so if you can find a group meeting online it's an even lower barrier to entry than going in person
-online dating/friend apps-- I usually say up front I'm shy /socially anxious, so tend to match with similar folks. Can be good for getting some social contact even if we don't meet up
-book club-- I found mine via meetup. I do much better when there is something specific to talk about.
Feel free to memail me if you want to connect with someone who entirely gets this dilemma!
posted by jane addams at 11:41 AM on February 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I like audiobooks that are read by the author (especially person essays/memoir/creative nonfiction) or podcasts that are sort of chatty/friendly without being totally unstructured. Podcast examples: You're Wrong About/Maintenance Phase/You Are Good/The Golden Ratio.
Also in my (limited) experience birdwatching groups are pretty friendly/not cliquely--they skew toward older people, which helps.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:21 PM on February 25, 2023