How to be a good aunt?
February 9, 2023 6:01 PM Subscribe
I'm about to be an aunt for the first time soon. Looking for some advice!
I grew up an only child and my husband and I are childfree by choice so we don't have a lot of experience with kids. My BIL/SIL are having their first child in a few weeks. We live close by, but are not super close as relatives. They've been fairly self-sufficient so far, but I'd still like to be the best aunt I can be.
What's some good general reading/advice I can learn from? (Besides, "offer to babysit"). Not just in the baby years, but beyond.
Thanks all!
I grew up an only child and my husband and I are childfree by choice so we don't have a lot of experience with kids. My BIL/SIL are having their first child in a few weeks. We live close by, but are not super close as relatives. They've been fairly self-sufficient so far, but I'd still like to be the best aunt I can be.
What's some good general reading/advice I can learn from? (Besides, "offer to babysit"). Not just in the baby years, but beyond.
Thanks all!
I would say to stay communicative and ask (at whatever frequency seems comfortable) what the kid is into, if there's anything they would like or that would be helpful, etc. Set reminders for the birthday. Ask before sending any gift. Offer to cook or bring over dinner once every month or two so you can see the kid and the kid can see you. Set aside a little money if you can to help if there's a difficult moment or an expensive gift you and others would like to go in on. If you don't use it, you can always just reabsorb it or say here's a check for the college fund.
And when you do go over, it sounds silly but actually pay attention to the kid... sometimes people seem to consider a baby or toddler more like a cat than a small person, and that's no way to learn about a kid, show that you value them, or build good memories for all involved. Have fun!
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 6:57 PM on February 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
And when you do go over, it sounds silly but actually pay attention to the kid... sometimes people seem to consider a baby or toddler more like a cat than a small person, and that's no way to learn about a kid, show that you value them, or build good memories for all involved. Have fun!
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 6:57 PM on February 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
Teach them how to spit watermelon seeds.
Carry a kite in your trunk, always.
Litter your home with a redundancy of art supplies, stored at kid level, and carry a new selection of crayons, markers, glitter paper, stickers, etc., every time you go to visit.
Buy old bath towels from a thrift store, gift them to the parents, and whenever something spills, be the first one to say, “oh my, these things happen!” and jump up, grab a towel, and be the cleaner.
Be the calm presence, or the giggly presence, when normal things get stressful.
When either of the parents has a parent-decision dilemma, ask if they want you to help do some research. If yes, save links/references; if not, be your best patient listener as they work it through in real time (this might take weeks).
Only offer parenting advice on things that could lead to immediate harm or serious long-term harm.
When mom or dad are trying to instruct or set a limit, be silent. Let parent and child become comfortable with working through disagreements in the presence of others.
When you and the child both disagree on a parenting thing, say to the child, “I know you’d like to do X - I like that too! - but it’s important to your mom/dad that we do this instead.” And help them do it mom/dad’s way.
Compliment the parents - frequently and with sincere reflection - on the wonderful, beautiful, devoted care you see them giving their child. A study I read years ago showed that the best parents were the ones who received care themselves from others.
((**apologies if needed if the gender-typical parental terms are inaccurate. Love to you and baby and parents!))
posted by Silvery Fish at 6:59 PM on February 9, 2023 [10 favorites]
Carry a kite in your trunk, always.
Litter your home with a redundancy of art supplies, stored at kid level, and carry a new selection of crayons, markers, glitter paper, stickers, etc., every time you go to visit.
Buy old bath towels from a thrift store, gift them to the parents, and whenever something spills, be the first one to say, “oh my, these things happen!” and jump up, grab a towel, and be the cleaner.
Be the calm presence, or the giggly presence, when normal things get stressful.
When either of the parents has a parent-decision dilemma, ask if they want you to help do some research. If yes, save links/references; if not, be your best patient listener as they work it through in real time (this might take weeks).
Only offer parenting advice on things that could lead to immediate harm or serious long-term harm.
When mom or dad are trying to instruct or set a limit, be silent. Let parent and child become comfortable with working through disagreements in the presence of others.
When you and the child both disagree on a parenting thing, say to the child, “I know you’d like to do X - I like that too! - but it’s important to your mom/dad that we do this instead.” And help them do it mom/dad’s way.
Compliment the parents - frequently and with sincere reflection - on the wonderful, beautiful, devoted care you see them giving their child. A study I read years ago showed that the best parents were the ones who received care themselves from others.
((**apologies if needed if the gender-typical parental terms are inaccurate. Love to you and baby and parents!))
posted by Silvery Fish at 6:59 PM on February 9, 2023 [10 favorites]
Take an interest in the kid as a person, and treat BIL/SIL with respect.
This is from my own experience as a child with no good aunts or uncles — all but one of them were entirely disinterested in me, and the one who was genuinely affectionate was, sadly, fighting with my dad and given my loyalty was always with my dad, that didn’t really motivate me to return the affection.
posted by redlines at 7:37 PM on February 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
This is from my own experience as a child with no good aunts or uncles — all but one of them were entirely disinterested in me, and the one who was genuinely affectionate was, sadly, fighting with my dad and given my loyalty was always with my dad, that didn’t really motivate me to return the affection.
posted by redlines at 7:37 PM on February 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
You are in the perfect situation to become a non-parental adult presence in the child's life, which is invaluable to the child and a foundation for a strong relationship when he/she is an adult. If BIL/SIL are smart, they will appreciate how important it is for you to spend one-on-one time with the child, be a confidante for him/her, and just generally provide support and encouragement different than what parents can provide.
posted by DrGail at 7:44 PM on February 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by DrGail at 7:44 PM on February 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
I can provide some perspective as someone who grew much closer to my siblings after I had my first kid because of my family's support;
You have the blessing of living fairly close! I like the above suggestions of checking in monthly to see if you can drop off dinner / hang out with the family / do a playdate / something low key. Something as simple as grocery shopping with parents and baby can be a welcome respite for isolated and exhausted parents.
The first few months for new parents can be overwhelming as extended family and friends rush to see the new baby - but those visits, meal trains, and support can tail off dramatically afterwards - just as new parents are be encountering true sleep exhaustion, returning to work (if either got any paid leave), and horrible isolation.
Checking in regularly and offering support after that time window can lay a strong foundation with your in-laws can build enormous gratitude and a regular rhythm of seeing your new nephew. And if your in-laws are happy and grateful you're visiting, your nephew will pick up on those good vibes, too.
posted by WedgedPiano at 8:06 PM on February 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
You have the blessing of living fairly close! I like the above suggestions of checking in monthly to see if you can drop off dinner / hang out with the family / do a playdate / something low key. Something as simple as grocery shopping with parents and baby can be a welcome respite for isolated and exhausted parents.
The first few months for new parents can be overwhelming as extended family and friends rush to see the new baby - but those visits, meal trains, and support can tail off dramatically afterwards - just as new parents are be encountering true sleep exhaustion, returning to work (if either got any paid leave), and horrible isolation.
Checking in regularly and offering support after that time window can lay a strong foundation with your in-laws can build enormous gratitude and a regular rhythm of seeing your new nephew. And if your in-laws are happy and grateful you're visiting, your nephew will pick up on those good vibes, too.
posted by WedgedPiano at 8:06 PM on February 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
kids are expert cold readers, they just size you up by feel. So feel free to respond to their nonverbal communication way more than you would an adult. That’s how they know you “get” them.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:58 PM on February 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:58 PM on February 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
All good advice on here. I would add that being a frequent and willing babysitter so the parents can get out together and have some time as the couple they were before they became parents will probably be very welcome. This is especially important as the child hits the toddler age as this can be very all-consuming and exhausting. (Even more than the baby age in our experience).
In order to be able to be the reliable babysitter you’ll need to spend time with all three of them in the years before so everyone feels comfortable. I’ve been an uncle many times and now I’m a dad of two and I cherish both roles.
They sound like a lucky family to have such a thoughtful aunt. :)
posted by JohnnyForeign at 11:18 PM on February 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
In order to be able to be the reliable babysitter you’ll need to spend time with all three of them in the years before so everyone feels comfortable. I’ve been an uncle many times and now I’m a dad of two and I cherish both roles.
They sound like a lucky family to have such a thoughtful aunt. :)
posted by JohnnyForeign at 11:18 PM on February 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
For Christmas or birthdays, give them a toolbox year one, and then a real, solid tool each year after. By 18 they get a full set.
We also do Christmas ornaments each year.
Nieces and nephews look forward to both!
We also give “special days” as gifts - instead of a thing, they get a 1:1 day. We do whatever they want within reason. Bookstore, lunch, movies. It’s a big hit.
Keep their confidences. Be a safe place for them to complain about their parents (you don’t have to participate. Just listen and hug!). Keep your door/texts open.
posted by dpx.mfx at 11:29 PM on February 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
We also do Christmas ornaments each year.
Nieces and nephews look forward to both!
We also give “special days” as gifts - instead of a thing, they get a 1:1 day. We do whatever they want within reason. Bookstore, lunch, movies. It’s a big hit.
Keep their confidences. Be a safe place for them to complain about their parents (you don’t have to participate. Just listen and hug!). Keep your door/texts open.
posted by dpx.mfx at 11:29 PM on February 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
My daughter has a wealth of aunts and uncles, some are legal relatives, some are people we've scooped up and made part of the family.
I think you can be the best aunt by simply being yourself.
Our friend who loves math became Math Uncle. He gives her picture books on calculus and geometry, and sits in the driveway teaching her tic tac toe strategy with sidewalk chalk.
Our very organized friend became the Hobby Aunt, who loves to know what she's into, and carefully researches the perfect little activity for them to do together.
Our super laid back friend became the Chill Uncle, who rolls with it if everything from the dress up trunk winds up flourished on top of his head.
So simply think about who you are, and how you can fold that into having a kid around.
And treat the parents as the subject matter experts on their own child. Butt out unless it's a matter of health or safety. Be their biggest cheerleaders.
A hard part of parenting is feeling judged and nitpicked, particularly within your own family. They'll need someone in their corner, to say, "You're doing a great job," "I think it's cool how you did X," and to stick by them if the interfering begins.
If the parents are supported, the child is supported.
posted by champers at 3:00 AM on February 10, 2023 [7 favorites]
I think you can be the best aunt by simply being yourself.
Our friend who loves math became Math Uncle. He gives her picture books on calculus and geometry, and sits in the driveway teaching her tic tac toe strategy with sidewalk chalk.
Our very organized friend became the Hobby Aunt, who loves to know what she's into, and carefully researches the perfect little activity for them to do together.
Our super laid back friend became the Chill Uncle, who rolls with it if everything from the dress up trunk winds up flourished on top of his head.
So simply think about who you are, and how you can fold that into having a kid around.
And treat the parents as the subject matter experts on their own child. Butt out unless it's a matter of health or safety. Be their biggest cheerleaders.
A hard part of parenting is feeling judged and nitpicked, particularly within your own family. They'll need someone in their corner, to say, "You're doing a great job," "I think it's cool how you did X," and to stick by them if the interfering begins.
If the parents are supported, the child is supported.
posted by champers at 3:00 AM on February 10, 2023 [7 favorites]
I have a two year-old niece and a three year-old nephew, as well as several other step-nieces and nephews ranging in age from 7 to 21. I grew up with up in a very small extended family that wasn't close, and my parents didn't have any close friends who were in my life. I always wished growing up that I had other adults around who weren't my parents. So for me, the most important thing is that all of my nieces and nephews know that they have an adult in their life who is not one of their parents that they can always come to for help, advice, fun, whatever – without any judgement or fear that I will "tell" on them.
I live close to the little ones and I'm single and childless, so I spend a lot of time with them. I love doing the fun stuff with them like going to museums, but the best way that I've built relationships with them is just by hanging out with them as part of their regular routine – helping mom and dad get them ready for bed, snuggling and watching movies with them when they're sick, etc.
I absolutely love being an aunt – especially in this way – and I love that the little ones, especially, are so close to me and I'm such a big part of their lives. It really is all of the good stuff about being a parent without the bad stuff!
posted by anotheraccount at 6:15 AM on February 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
I live close to the little ones and I'm single and childless, so I spend a lot of time with them. I love doing the fun stuff with them like going to museums, but the best way that I've built relationships with them is just by hanging out with them as part of their regular routine – helping mom and dad get them ready for bed, snuggling and watching movies with them when they're sick, etc.
I absolutely love being an aunt – especially in this way – and I love that the little ones, especially, are so close to me and I'm such a big part of their lives. It really is all of the good stuff about being a parent without the bad stuff!
posted by anotheraccount at 6:15 AM on February 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
I think you can be the best aunt by simply being yourself.
Came to say the same thing! Everyone has their own unique strengths. I'm an aunt. I don't play sports, I'm not an organized go-getter, I don't drive so I can't easily take my niece and nephew on trips. I can't really cook.
However, I'm artsy aunt, emotional support/listener aunt, cat video aunt. They seem to like me :)
posted by bearette at 7:05 AM on February 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
Also: when I was a kid and especially teen, it would have been *really* helpful to have an relationship with an adult I could really talk to that wasn't a parent. I didn't have that. I hope to be that for my niece and nephew as they get older.
posted by bearette at 7:07 AM on February 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by bearette at 7:07 AM on February 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Kids just want someone to be interested in them, and pay attention to them. As long as you're able to do that, you will be a good aunt to them and they will like you. (Kids are not that interested in you, no matter how interesting you are. Don't take it personally. How interesting they find you is directly related to how much attention you pay to them.)
posted by snarfois at 7:29 AM on February 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by snarfois at 7:29 AM on February 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Don't underestimate the value of simply Being There. YMMV depending on your relationship with your sister- and brother-in-law, of course, but I love when my siblings visit me and my family because it's entertaining and less pressure than a non-family visitor (like, I know they won't think less of me if things aren't perfectly tidied up first). Especially if you live in the same town or close, attending things like the kid's birthday parties when they are small, and later on, sports games, concerts, art shows etc. are good ways to both support the parents and get to know your niece/nephew better. My own aunts and uncles lived far away and rarely showed much interest in me, and while I am fond of them I don't feel like they really know anything about me as a person.
So for me, the most important thing is that all of my nieces and nephews know that they have an adult in their life who is not one of their parents that they can always come to for help, advice, fun, whatever – without any judgement or fear that I will "tell" on them.
YES! This is so important, too. It's great for kids to have adults around who love them unconditionally and can offer a different perspective on things than their parents might.
posted by Jemstar at 10:36 AM on February 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
So for me, the most important thing is that all of my nieces and nephews know that they have an adult in their life who is not one of their parents that they can always come to for help, advice, fun, whatever – without any judgement or fear that I will "tell" on them.
YES! This is so important, too. It's great for kids to have adults around who love them unconditionally and can offer a different perspective on things than their parents might.
posted by Jemstar at 10:36 AM on February 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'd agree with others above that just being with the kiddo frequently as part of their routine life is the best first step to being a good aunt.
Luckily, new parents can always do with a spare pair of hands no matter how self-sufficient they are! Then you can cunningly become indispensable to them and keep seeing the child often later on :-)
If you go over for a Saturday every month (or even couple of weeks) and not just play with the baby but feed them, change them, etc, to let the parents run errands, nap, or spend time alone:
You show the parents that they can rely on you.
You will know the ropes on food, naptime, keeping them safe, what they are and aren't allowed to chew, what book they like this month- so any extra/emergency babysitting is easy.
You get to know the child as more than "adorable blob", getting an early start on knowing their personality.
The child gets to know you! (My nibling as a baby and toddler liked me more than their other aunt purely because I saw them more often; they remembered me from visit to visit, but the other aunt started from being a stranger every time.)
Also, try to memorise a few soothing songs that you can walk-and-bounce them to sleep with.
posted by Shark Hat at 7:21 AM on February 12, 2023
Luckily, new parents can always do with a spare pair of hands no matter how self-sufficient they are! Then you can cunningly become indispensable to them and keep seeing the child often later on :-)
If you go over for a Saturday every month (or even couple of weeks) and not just play with the baby but feed them, change them, etc, to let the parents run errands, nap, or spend time alone:
You show the parents that they can rely on you.
You will know the ropes on food, naptime, keeping them safe, what they are and aren't allowed to chew, what book they like this month- so any extra/emergency babysitting is easy.
You get to know the child as more than "adorable blob", getting an early start on knowing their personality.
The child gets to know you! (My nibling as a baby and toddler liked me more than their other aunt purely because I saw them more often; they remembered me from visit to visit, but the other aunt started from being a stranger every time.)
Also, try to memorise a few soothing songs that you can walk-and-bounce them to sleep with.
posted by Shark Hat at 7:21 AM on February 12, 2023
« Older Looking for Employment Lawyer in Sacramento or Bay... | Was I gaslit? Bothered by an interaction with a... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
*Stuff based on my nephew's interests and well as treats for the adults too!
posted by smorgasbord at 6:15 PM on February 9, 2023 [1 favorite]