What am I supposed to do as a mentee?
January 12, 2023 11:55 PM Subscribe
I signed up for a mentorship program through a professional organization a few months ago (which I forgot about) and I've been paired with a mentor, and we are going to meet for coffee tomorrow. I actually have... no idea what I'm supposed to do as a mentee. I've been so negative about the current state of my career (see previous questions) that I'm not even sure what the mentor can help me with now? What am I supposed to do so I don't waste our time?
I read this previous question about being a mentee, which didn't really help me much. I suppose what I did glean from the answers is that I should have some sort of *goal* or identify a way the mentor can help me. And I have... idea.
I guess, essentially, based on my previous horrible job experience last year and that causing me to be a horrible job searcher. I'd like I dunno, maybe ideas on how to re-enter the field. I don't even remember (and can't find) what I wrote when I initially signed up for the program way back in October or November. Maybe he can help me with my cover letter writing, which I still despise? I don't know. Like, I don't even KNOW what a mentor can actually do. What goal even makes sense for me at this point in my dead-career?
(I was also *dumped* by someone who I thought was a mentor after I quit the horrible library job, so there's that.)
What on earth would be a realistic expectation for a mentor? What *can* I realistically ask them to help me with? I have no idea!!!
I read this previous question about being a mentee, which didn't really help me much. I suppose what I did glean from the answers is that I should have some sort of *goal* or identify a way the mentor can help me. And I have... idea.
I guess, essentially, based on my previous horrible job experience last year and that causing me to be a horrible job searcher. I'd like I dunno, maybe ideas on how to re-enter the field. I don't even remember (and can't find) what I wrote when I initially signed up for the program way back in October or November. Maybe he can help me with my cover letter writing, which I still despise? I don't know. Like, I don't even KNOW what a mentor can actually do. What goal even makes sense for me at this point in my dead-career?
(I was also *dumped* by someone who I thought was a mentor after I quit the horrible library job, so there's that.)
What on earth would be a realistic expectation for a mentor? What *can* I realistically ask them to help me with? I have no idea!!!
I think you really have everything you need right here in this post. Start with what goal makes sense for you in your “dead-career”. Talk about what that means. Has the mentor been through something similar or seen others go through it? I wouldn’t look to a mentor to help with the nitty gritty of writing cover letters - maybe later on in the relationship. Instead use the sessions to figure out how to move on from this dead end you are experiencing (it’s almost certainly not really a dead end).
Also, your mentor has signed up to give you time, that’s what you can realistically ask for. To make it useful, do the work between sessions to follow through on what you discuss and bring new things to discuss in your next session. Good luck, this is exciting!
posted by yogalemon at 12:46 AM on January 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also, your mentor has signed up to give you time, that’s what you can realistically ask for. To make it useful, do the work between sessions to follow through on what you discuss and bring new things to discuss in your next session. Good luck, this is exciting!
posted by yogalemon at 12:46 AM on January 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
Maaaybe don't mention that you dated your past mentor... at least not for a few months or so.
posted by amtho at 12:48 AM on January 13, 2023
posted by amtho at 12:48 AM on January 13, 2023
I think you should just be as candid about your burnout -- mentor/mentee things are really weird things anyway, but the good ones will want to help and can be empathetic.
posted by yueliang at 12:54 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by yueliang at 12:54 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Maaaybe don't mention that you dated your past mentor... at least not for a few months or so.
Oh no! I meant *professionally* dumped, not... like... DUMPED. Sorry for the confusion!
posted by VirginiaPlain at 1:08 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
Oh no! I meant *professionally* dumped, not... like... DUMPED. Sorry for the confusion!
posted by VirginiaPlain at 1:08 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
We work in the same broad field, and I guessed who was writing this post based on the content before I saw your username. I would try to find the line between being critical/down on yourself/down on the profession and being honest about your burnout and frustrations.
This is someone with more experience in the field who might be able to give you the big picture and help you think through new opportunities. If you go to it with a negative mindset, that’ll probably come through.
What do you want to know? Do you want to know if there’s a place for you in the field? Where to find the off ramp? How to move on? Re-engage?
I suspect this person will be a friendly professional colleague willing to chat about the field and answer questions. It’s a good opportunity to reflect on what you want and bounce that off them.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:15 AM on January 13, 2023 [9 favorites]
This is someone with more experience in the field who might be able to give you the big picture and help you think through new opportunities. If you go to it with a negative mindset, that’ll probably come through.
What do you want to know? Do you want to know if there’s a place for you in the field? Where to find the off ramp? How to move on? Re-engage?
I suspect this person will be a friendly professional colleague willing to chat about the field and answer questions. It’s a good opportunity to reflect on what you want and bounce that off them.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:15 AM on January 13, 2023 [9 favorites]
I also recognize your posting history and posting style. Recognizing that MF serves a specific purpose that is not professional relationship building I would still recommend that you approach this as a purely professional relationship. Somebody with more experience is making themselves available to point you professionally. They could also help you with contacts/leads/your paths may cross in the future in different ways so you want to make a good impression.
To prepare, figure out how to summarise your current career situation concisely and with a professional slant*. I am trying to remember your posting history here but perhaps something like: You recently entered the industry and your first job was a very challenging experience for reasons a/b. You left that job quite burnt out and frustrated and took a bit of time to regroup. You are now actively searching for new opportunities and trying to figure out what the next steps in your career should look like.
*You don't have to sanitize the story like you would for a job interview but they aren't a therapist either and don't need all the details.
Things you could ask them for help with:
- how have they overcome challenging career experiences/low points/burnout. What strategies did they employ to reframe negative experiences and re-gain a positive outlook
- the challenges not withstanding, you have learnt things during this challenging job and gained relevant experiences. Based on your experience profile/strengths/how you know you like your work environment to be to thrive, what kinds of opportunities in the industry would be a good fit for you?What kinds of pivots might be worth exploring?
- ask if they'd mind looking at your CV and cover letter template. Depending on what they recommend for the 2nd bullet consider revising your CV/cover letter based on the conversation before you share it.
And then take it from there.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:12 AM on January 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
To prepare, figure out how to summarise your current career situation concisely and with a professional slant*. I am trying to remember your posting history here but perhaps something like: You recently entered the industry and your first job was a very challenging experience for reasons a/b. You left that job quite burnt out and frustrated and took a bit of time to regroup. You are now actively searching for new opportunities and trying to figure out what the next steps in your career should look like.
*You don't have to sanitize the story like you would for a job interview but they aren't a therapist either and don't need all the details.
Things you could ask them for help with:
- how have they overcome challenging career experiences/low points/burnout. What strategies did they employ to reframe negative experiences and re-gain a positive outlook
- the challenges not withstanding, you have learnt things during this challenging job and gained relevant experiences. Based on your experience profile/strengths/how you know you like your work environment to be to thrive, what kinds of opportunities in the industry would be a good fit for you?What kinds of pivots might be worth exploring?
- ask if they'd mind looking at your CV and cover letter template. Depending on what they recommend for the 2nd bullet consider revising your CV/cover letter based on the conversation before you share it.
And then take it from there.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:12 AM on January 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Recognizing that MF serves a specific purpose that is not professional relationship building I would still recommend that you approach this as a purely professional relationship.
I’m confused koahiatamadl, I never said the mentor was through MetaFilter? There have been questions asked about mentorships before, can you clarify what you mean with this part of your answer?
posted by VirginiaPlain at 2:23 AM on January 13, 2023
I’m confused koahiatamadl, I never said the mentor was through MetaFilter? There have been questions asked about mentorships before, can you clarify what you mean with this part of your answer?
posted by VirginiaPlain at 2:23 AM on January 13, 2023
Best answer: In a different context I once suggested the following structure for an initial career advisor/mentor meeting:
A: "What specifically did I like about my past job and volunteering experiences- what would I like to get more of?" (Think specifically: what languages, tools, people, activities, and conversations did you enjoy?)
B: "What do I want next, and what are my constraints?" (It's okay not to know! This is a good time to ask your mentor what they think you might be good at, and to ask your mentor how they got where they are.)
C: "What are my next steps?" Examples: update your resume/CV, reach out to your alma mater's university career office to schedule some mock interviews, reply to people you met at conferences, blog about what kind of job you want, apply for a grant, self-study a particular skill, apply to a fellowship program, or talk to a venture capitalist. This is where the mentor can help by introducing you to their connections, sending you stuff to read, suggesting particular programs to look into, etc.
posted by brainwane at 2:31 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
A: "What specifically did I like about my past job and volunteering experiences- what would I like to get more of?" (Think specifically: what languages, tools, people, activities, and conversations did you enjoy?)
B: "What do I want next, and what are my constraints?" (It's okay not to know! This is a good time to ask your mentor what they think you might be good at, and to ask your mentor how they got where they are.)
C: "What are my next steps?" Examples: update your resume/CV, reach out to your alma mater's university career office to schedule some mock interviews, reply to people you met at conferences, blog about what kind of job you want, apply for a grant, self-study a particular skill, apply to a fellowship program, or talk to a venture capitalist. This is where the mentor can help by introducing you to their connections, sending you stuff to read, suggesting particular programs to look into, etc.
posted by brainwane at 2:31 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
find the line between being critical/down on yourself/down on the profession and being honest about your burnout and frustrations
I'll emphasize this. It's fair to be burned out, but you also have the gift of someone else's time. This someone else isn't your therapist, isn't your confidante. Don't dump your trauma on them.
As long as you approach mentorship in good faith, with the intent to be constructive, you'll get something out of it. You can be honest—frankly, brutally honest—about your frustrations, ebcause they seem to be very real barriers to your ability to sort out what to do next. You don't have to approach a mentor with a task that's as tidy as "let's work on my cover letter." You can say, simply, I like XYZ about this field, and I have ABD training/education/experience, and I'd love to figure out how I get where I need to be when all I can see right now is frustration re-entering the field.
I'd say a solid 50% of the time, people I mentor have... unrealistic ideas about what the day-to-day fill of work in my field is. Not just the quality of it, but the basic nuts and bolts of it (e.g. it's really common to imagine my work as this sort of quiet brain thing that one does in either a spotless lab or in a velvet-lined library, when in reality I have to have very repetitive, persuasive conversations with people for at least half of each day if not all of each day... so people who think they won't have to deal with meetings, travel for meetings, meetings that could have been emails, making and receiving and chasing telephone calls, dealing with difficult people, etc. in this line of work get a very practical corrective when we speak about this sort of thing). If you already know this field, and you're confident that you don't need that sort of basic corrective that every line of work has as a first-pass filter, I'd find a way to say so. As in, I've worked in this field in role A for X years, and I did a lot of 123 that I found horrible because 456. If you start the discussion where you know it won't be repeating what you already know, you're doing both of you a favor.
And ,lastly, this can also just be coffee. Are you interested in one another's opinions, experiences, outlooks? You can just chat and see where it goes.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:48 AM on January 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'll emphasize this. It's fair to be burned out, but you also have the gift of someone else's time. This someone else isn't your therapist, isn't your confidante. Don't dump your trauma on them.
As long as you approach mentorship in good faith, with the intent to be constructive, you'll get something out of it. You can be honest—frankly, brutally honest—about your frustrations, ebcause they seem to be very real barriers to your ability to sort out what to do next. You don't have to approach a mentor with a task that's as tidy as "let's work on my cover letter." You can say, simply, I like XYZ about this field, and I have ABD training/education/experience, and I'd love to figure out how I get where I need to be when all I can see right now is frustration re-entering the field.
I'd say a solid 50% of the time, people I mentor have... unrealistic ideas about what the day-to-day fill of work in my field is. Not just the quality of it, but the basic nuts and bolts of it (e.g. it's really common to imagine my work as this sort of quiet brain thing that one does in either a spotless lab or in a velvet-lined library, when in reality I have to have very repetitive, persuasive conversations with people for at least half of each day if not all of each day... so people who think they won't have to deal with meetings, travel for meetings, meetings that could have been emails, making and receiving and chasing telephone calls, dealing with difficult people, etc. in this line of work get a very practical corrective when we speak about this sort of thing). If you already know this field, and you're confident that you don't need that sort of basic corrective that every line of work has as a first-pass filter, I'd find a way to say so. As in, I've worked in this field in role A for X years, and I did a lot of 123 that I found horrible because 456. If you start the discussion where you know it won't be repeating what you already know, you're doing both of you a favor.
And ,lastly, this can also just be coffee. Are you interested in one another's opinions, experiences, outlooks? You can just chat and see where it goes.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:48 AM on January 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
can you clarify what you mean with this part of your answer
I mean that the way we communicate on AskMF is likely not representative how we communicate in our professional spheres - users sometimes use the site to offload/vent in a way they would not in a professional environment. My response urges you to treat the mentor as a professional contact but I also tried to say that I realise we all know there is a difference/I don't want to be patronizing.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:49 AM on January 13, 2023 [6 favorites]
I mean that the way we communicate on AskMF is likely not representative how we communicate in our professional spheres - users sometimes use the site to offload/vent in a way they would not in a professional environment. My response urges you to treat the mentor as a professional contact but I also tried to say that I realise we all know there is a difference/I don't want to be patronizing.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:49 AM on January 13, 2023 [6 favorites]
Best answer: First off, you could ask them to tell you a little about themselves, why they decided to become a mentor, what they love about the field. Usually people signing up to volunteer as mentors really want to be helpful in some way, so let them tell you about that a bit. If they ask you about yourself first, just say "honestly I'd love to hear a little about you first" and then ask some questions.
Then tell them about yourself, where you're from, how many years you've been in the field. Tell them you've run into a block in your career. You entered the field because you loved [x, y, z]. You have pretty good skills at [a, b, c] and you think in the right job you could really contribute. But the last few years have been disheartening and you're trying to assess if there's still room in the field for you. At your last job, things were very difficult because [diplomatically stated reasons*]. There also don't seem to be many job opportunities in general. What would they do in your situation? How do they think you can realistically assess your next move? Maybe what you need is moral support and some accountability in applying for jobs - is that something they might be willing to do?
* I would avoid saying bad things about people at the last job, at least for now, in case this mentor has any connections to those people.
Anyway, the above is one approach. See what you think about it, take from it the parts that seem right to you and ignore the rest.
I do agree you want to keep things as professional as possible, and don't let them know straight out that you feel like you're in crisis mode. At least not in the beginning, when you still don't really know who they are and don't actually have any kind of relationship yet. A lot of people want to help, but if you give off vibes that you're just too miserable or angry to deal with the field anymore, then a few of them might put in the effort to try to change your mind, but others will say "I see, I'm sorry to hear that" and just let you be. So if you think that you might want their help even a little, let them feel like you want to use their help to move forward.
posted by trig at 2:56 AM on January 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
Then tell them about yourself, where you're from, how many years you've been in the field. Tell them you've run into a block in your career. You entered the field because you loved [x, y, z]. You have pretty good skills at [a, b, c] and you think in the right job you could really contribute. But the last few years have been disheartening and you're trying to assess if there's still room in the field for you. At your last job, things were very difficult because [diplomatically stated reasons*]. There also don't seem to be many job opportunities in general. What would they do in your situation? How do they think you can realistically assess your next move? Maybe what you need is moral support and some accountability in applying for jobs - is that something they might be willing to do?
* I would avoid saying bad things about people at the last job, at least for now, in case this mentor has any connections to those people.
Anyway, the above is one approach. See what you think about it, take from it the parts that seem right to you and ignore the rest.
I do agree you want to keep things as professional as possible, and don't let them know straight out that you feel like you're in crisis mode. At least not in the beginning, when you still don't really know who they are and don't actually have any kind of relationship yet. A lot of people want to help, but if you give off vibes that you're just too miserable or angry to deal with the field anymore, then a few of them might put in the effort to try to change your mind, but others will say "I see, I'm sorry to hear that" and just let you be. So if you think that you might want their help even a little, let them feel like you want to use their help to move forward.
posted by trig at 2:56 AM on January 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
Ask them about the best jobs/bosses they’ve had, so that you can start to have a counter-narrative to the one in your head that is constantly (incorrectly) telling you your last job is the way all jobs in your field are.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:51 AM on January 13, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 3:51 AM on January 13, 2023 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I work for a professional association (not your professional association) and we have a mentoring program. These are the tips for mentees copied and pasted from our website:
posted by misskaz at 5:06 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
- Make a good first impression. Be prepared with a goal or topics for discussion in the first meeting.
- Take time to get to know one another. Set expectations from the beginning of the relationship.
- Bring a few specific topics for discussion to each session.
- Frame good questions for your mentor: not "What should I do?" but "How should I analyze this situation?"
- Be humble, listen attentively, and don't rush to judgment. Be open to feedback.
- Clarify your expectations and communicate them to your mentor.
- Be prepared to answer questions on where you are in your career and where you'd like to go.
- Discuss how best to cancel or reschedule a meeting.
- Commit to keeping schedule changes to a minimum.
- Respond to your mentor on a timely basis.
- Set conversational boundaries around personal topics you do not wish to discuss.
- Thank your mentor, and acknowledge their gift of time.
posted by misskaz at 5:06 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
By the way, well done for signing up for this in the first place. Regardless of how it works out.
posted by trig at 5:17 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by trig at 5:17 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am a mentor. I am not your mentor. I have had a couple *informal* mentors in the past.
So, first, ask yourself, why did you sign up for the mentorship program in the first place? Because it's something you are "supposed" to do? Out of frustration? Looking for answers to questions you don't have?
Which are all very valid reasons. Just first try and figure out why you signed up, and be honest with yourself about it.
So, good suggestions up there, especially from misskaz.
So, introductions first. They'll (hopefully) want to know about you, your career, what you want to do. Don't feel like it's a job interview. They're trying to get a sense of where you are in life and what you're actually looking for from them.
Ask THEM as much about them as you can. You want an idea of where they are coming from. Have them talk about themselves. You may find some common ground, something interesting, or maybe you'll find you don't like them very much, and maybe need someone else.
It is OK to say you're not sure what you want to get out of having a mentor. You can express your frustrations, and wonder how you deal with them, or remove the barriers you feel are there.
But, if you have some ideas of things you want to explore.. career choice/movement, dealing with difficult things, even family issues related to work obligations.. express them. If you can give some direction, that's good. You don't have to get everything out, because you can always bring up new things down the road.
DO set up what expectations on how often you're going to meet, contacting each other, and so forth. Monthly? biweekly? Email ok? Phone calls ok? Zoom meetings?
It may take a couple meetings to work around to where you are finding the topic you really want to focus on. That is fine.
But it isn't a bitching session.. it's a professional discussion about questions you have that someone who has "been there done that" may know.
posted by rich at 6:06 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
So, first, ask yourself, why did you sign up for the mentorship program in the first place? Because it's something you are "supposed" to do? Out of frustration? Looking for answers to questions you don't have?
Which are all very valid reasons. Just first try and figure out why you signed up, and be honest with yourself about it.
So, good suggestions up there, especially from misskaz.
So, introductions first. They'll (hopefully) want to know about you, your career, what you want to do. Don't feel like it's a job interview. They're trying to get a sense of where you are in life and what you're actually looking for from them.
Ask THEM as much about them as you can. You want an idea of where they are coming from. Have them talk about themselves. You may find some common ground, something interesting, or maybe you'll find you don't like them very much, and maybe need someone else.
It is OK to say you're not sure what you want to get out of having a mentor. You can express your frustrations, and wonder how you deal with them, or remove the barriers you feel are there.
But, if you have some ideas of things you want to explore.. career choice/movement, dealing with difficult things, even family issues related to work obligations.. express them. If you can give some direction, that's good. You don't have to get everything out, because you can always bring up new things down the road.
DO set up what expectations on how often you're going to meet, contacting each other, and so forth. Monthly? biweekly? Email ok? Phone calls ok? Zoom meetings?
It may take a couple meetings to work around to where you are finding the topic you really want to focus on. That is fine.
But it isn't a bitching session.. it's a professional discussion about questions you have that someone who has "been there done that" may know.
posted by rich at 6:06 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm going to assume you know how to handle the relationship in a professional manner.
Perspective. A mentor is someone who's been around and seen more than you, so especially in your situation, can probably tell you about a few different people who've been in similar career lows or turning points, and it might be informative to hear about the different outcomes or paths that people have traveled from where you are now. Different ways they've chosen to handle it. The variety of things that led to this place.
posted by Dashy at 7:21 AM on January 13, 2023
Perspective. A mentor is someone who's been around and seen more than you, so especially in your situation, can probably tell you about a few different people who've been in similar career lows or turning points, and it might be informative to hear about the different outcomes or paths that people have traveled from where you are now. Different ways they've chosen to handle it. The variety of things that led to this place.
posted by Dashy at 7:21 AM on January 13, 2023
A good mentor will help you ask the right questions.
Think of them as a guide. They can help you navigate by pointing out obstacles
Potential pitfalls.
They are not going to offer you a job, but may guide you in obtaining one.
They may know that Job A is a soul crushing , high turnover position, best avoided.
They may realize Job B is a great entry level position ., etc etc
So ask for their advice or their opinion
posted by yyz at 8:14 AM on January 13, 2023
Think of them as a guide. They can help you navigate by pointing out obstacles
Potential pitfalls.
They are not going to offer you a job, but may guide you in obtaining one.
They may know that Job A is a soul crushing , high turnover position, best avoided.
They may realize Job B is a great entry level position ., etc etc
So ask for their advice or their opinion
posted by yyz at 8:14 AM on January 13, 2023
Response by poster: Thank you all for the advice!
(However, I am very disappointed with the general consensus that I wouldn't act appropriately or professionally with a mentor in my field. Just because I'm very negative in my questions on AskMe, it doesn't mean that's how I am in real life, that doesn't mean I'm going to "trauma dump" on this stranger. I've said it before, but I don't come here to ask for advice when life is going smoothly. Maybe I should, so who I am as a person (when I'm not asking these questions) isn't viewed so one-dimensionally.)
posted by VirginiaPlain at 10:09 AM on January 13, 2023
(However, I am very disappointed with the general consensus that I wouldn't act appropriately or professionally with a mentor in my field. Just because I'm very negative in my questions on AskMe, it doesn't mean that's how I am in real life, that doesn't mean I'm going to "trauma dump" on this stranger. I've said it before, but I don't come here to ask for advice when life is going smoothly. Maybe I should, so who I am as a person (when I'm not asking these questions) isn't viewed so one-dimensionally.)
posted by VirginiaPlain at 10:09 AM on January 13, 2023
Just to note; I wasn't saying or expecting you, personally, would act unprofessional or dump on the mentor. My comment was generic.. in that sometimes anyone talking about issues sometimes ventures into the realm of complaining in trying to express frustration or issues, as it becomes hard to frame those challenges.
posted by rich at 10:19 AM on January 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by rich at 10:19 AM on January 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't take some of the above comments personally - rather, I think many of us know that when we're feeling really negative about something, it's easy for bits of that to seep out even when you're in "professional mode" if you wing it vs. sticking more to a plan. You asked for how best to approach being a mentee, and the advice (which I agree with) is to figure out beforehand how to 'spin' your burnout in a way that comes off as constructive/positive (i.e. you're excited to figure out what type of job in your career that will work for you! Or, you've gained a lot of self-knowledge and you have a better sense now of what works and what doesn't work for you, but now you just need some help figuring out what job titles might be a better fit. Etc.)
posted by coffeecat at 10:33 AM on January 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 10:33 AM on January 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by freethefeet at 12:11 AM on January 13, 2023 [1 favorite]