Staying firm about choosing a relaxed lifestyle over a promotion
January 10, 2023 6:55 AM Subscribe
I've had a job for several years at a small company. For many years before this job, I worked 60-hour workweeks and was constantly stressed. With this job, I purposefully chose a role with less responsibility and lower pay than the other employees. Now my boss keeps pushing to give me a promotion with more responsibility, even though I have said no. What can I tell him to enforce boundaries? What can I tell myself to reduce my self-doubt over this decision?
I have worked in my field for decades and am more experienced than anyone else at the company (including my boss who is the business owner). Before this job, I had a frazzled life working 60-hour weeks and feeling overwhelmed. With this job, I purposefully chose a role with less responsibility and lower pay than the other employees.
I'm able to finish my work each day in a few hours (my boss knows this and agreed to this from the beginning). I work from home, and I spend the rest of my day on hobbies, outdoors, family, and books. It is a relaxed life, for which I feel grateful. I have fairly low expenses (most of my hobbies are free), and I make enough money to support my life, own a house, and add to savings plus retirement funds. I came from a poor childhood, so this feels amazing. It took decades of stress to build up the skills to get to this point, and I am glad to be out from that period.
A few times when other employees struggled with a task and it was high-stakes, my boss asked if I would finish their task. I did it (big mistake), and those times went so well that my boss offered last month to make me second-in-command of the company, with a large jump in pay.
I said no. I knew that this promotion would come with expectations, longer hours, and stress. My happy lifestyle would be over.
After I turned down the promotion, my boss replied that "the other role won't really take more time, just more intensity" and that he "just wants to pay me what I deserve" because I'm "underpaid compared to my skillset". I was a little tempted but still stuck to my answer of no. However, now he is still talking about "if you were to take over and run areas X and Y". I responded that X and Y are not part of my job.
My boss has also started asking me to finish the other employees' tasks more & more frequently, basically trying to slippery-slope me into the other job. I think he now feels entitled to me finishing other people's tasks. I am going to tell him this week that I will not be doing that again. But I know he will complain a lot over it, so I dread that confrontation.
I find it stressful to keep having to set boundaries. It takes me effort to wordsmith replies so they are tactful while saying no. Sometimes it takes me an hour to write the email that says no. Having to perpetually guard my boundaries is causing me anxiety. Maybe I should reframe this as opportunity to practice setting my boundaries.
My boss is a driven guy. He lives by values that are more in line with society expectations for success, and he questions why I live my life this way. He is always looking to buy a bigger house, fancier car, more lavish vacation, and to expand the business. He responds to work emails every evening and weekend. He said that his wife is also a workaholic at her own job and doesn't spend much time with their kids. I have empathy because I used to live a stressed-out life. However, perhaps because his life choices are different than mine, he keeps expressing surprise about my career decision. "But why wouldn't you want a promotion? Are you sure?" I explain that I like my relaxed life. Then a week later, "But why? It's so unusual."
Talking to my boss sometimes gives me self-doubt about whether I should be going for a job that's more in line with societal definitions of success. This was an especially big problem the first couple years after I took this job. I still get that self-doubt sometimes after talking to him, but less and less.
If this job eventually implodes, I would accept having to look for a new job. I have multiple years of savings, and I am not dependent on this job. It is just a big hassle, and a new job is likely to take up more time.
My questions:
1. What are some scripts I can use to say no to my boss's requests? I already know the magic phrase "that won't be possible", but I would like some other ones for variety. Also, my boss knows that it is technically possible (since I have the skills and did those tasks before), so the magic phrase doesn't work as well as I'd like.
2. Can you give me some ways I can mentally frame this, so I feel less anxious about enforcing boundaries and/or avoid self-doubt about my choices? The self-doubt mainly happens after I talk to my boss and hear his strongly-held worldview striving towards the societal definition of success.
Thank you!
I have worked in my field for decades and am more experienced than anyone else at the company (including my boss who is the business owner). Before this job, I had a frazzled life working 60-hour weeks and feeling overwhelmed. With this job, I purposefully chose a role with less responsibility and lower pay than the other employees.
I'm able to finish my work each day in a few hours (my boss knows this and agreed to this from the beginning). I work from home, and I spend the rest of my day on hobbies, outdoors, family, and books. It is a relaxed life, for which I feel grateful. I have fairly low expenses (most of my hobbies are free), and I make enough money to support my life, own a house, and add to savings plus retirement funds. I came from a poor childhood, so this feels amazing. It took decades of stress to build up the skills to get to this point, and I am glad to be out from that period.
A few times when other employees struggled with a task and it was high-stakes, my boss asked if I would finish their task. I did it (big mistake), and those times went so well that my boss offered last month to make me second-in-command of the company, with a large jump in pay.
I said no. I knew that this promotion would come with expectations, longer hours, and stress. My happy lifestyle would be over.
After I turned down the promotion, my boss replied that "the other role won't really take more time, just more intensity" and that he "just wants to pay me what I deserve" because I'm "underpaid compared to my skillset". I was a little tempted but still stuck to my answer of no. However, now he is still talking about "if you were to take over and run areas X and Y". I responded that X and Y are not part of my job.
My boss has also started asking me to finish the other employees' tasks more & more frequently, basically trying to slippery-slope me into the other job. I think he now feels entitled to me finishing other people's tasks. I am going to tell him this week that I will not be doing that again. But I know he will complain a lot over it, so I dread that confrontation.
I find it stressful to keep having to set boundaries. It takes me effort to wordsmith replies so they are tactful while saying no. Sometimes it takes me an hour to write the email that says no. Having to perpetually guard my boundaries is causing me anxiety. Maybe I should reframe this as opportunity to practice setting my boundaries.
My boss is a driven guy. He lives by values that are more in line with society expectations for success, and he questions why I live my life this way. He is always looking to buy a bigger house, fancier car, more lavish vacation, and to expand the business. He responds to work emails every evening and weekend. He said that his wife is also a workaholic at her own job and doesn't spend much time with their kids. I have empathy because I used to live a stressed-out life. However, perhaps because his life choices are different than mine, he keeps expressing surprise about my career decision. "But why wouldn't you want a promotion? Are you sure?" I explain that I like my relaxed life. Then a week later, "But why? It's so unusual."
Talking to my boss sometimes gives me self-doubt about whether I should be going for a job that's more in line with societal definitions of success. This was an especially big problem the first couple years after I took this job. I still get that self-doubt sometimes after talking to him, but less and less.
If this job eventually implodes, I would accept having to look for a new job. I have multiple years of savings, and I am not dependent on this job. It is just a big hassle, and a new job is likely to take up more time.
My questions:
1. What are some scripts I can use to say no to my boss's requests? I already know the magic phrase "that won't be possible", but I would like some other ones for variety. Also, my boss knows that it is technically possible (since I have the skills and did those tasks before), so the magic phrase doesn't work as well as I'd like.
2. Can you give me some ways I can mentally frame this, so I feel less anxious about enforcing boundaries and/or avoid self-doubt about my choices? The self-doubt mainly happens after I talk to my boss and hear his strongly-held worldview striving towards the societal definition of success.
Thank you!
I don't know if this helps with #1, but for #2, I frame my similar outlook to myself (and sometimes others) as "My time on this earth (being ultimately finite) has infinite value. No one can pay me the amount it is ACTUALLY worth, so I work enough to live/be comfortable." I have a family, too many books to read, many hobbies and interests I like to dabble with, and folks that I can serve with my skillset. I'd like to use my time on that since that gives me the most joy / satisfaction ROI.
posted by Wink Ricketts at 7:18 AM on January 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Wink Ricketts at 7:18 AM on January 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
Congratulations on setting firm boundaries. I am in a similar postion. I had a much higher paying, stressful job in industry and switched to a lower paying, less stressful job. My boss used to try to get me to do way more than my job description but has backed off a lot over the last couple of years. I don't respond to her requests to do things outside of my job, and I provide little explanation other than I am working on items 1,2,3, which are items I was hired to do. I never explicitly told her that "that's not in my job description", but she got the hint since I just didn't respond to those requests. I don't think your boss will ever understand your decision, so stop trying to defend your choice. Can you ignore the requests for a promotion, and questions about your choice, that he writes in emails, like they're not there? Just totally not respond to those items at all? Then in person whenever he brings this up, say "My lifestyle isn't for everyone, but it's great for me." Say this ever time. I'm in academic research, which I love, but many researchers want to get jobs in industry and complain all day about academic dead end jobs, terrible PIs, etc. Instead of feeding into that with comments to show empathy, I say "research isn't for everyone, but I love it". That really just leaves it a dead end. They can complain more, but since I've not agreed with them about their complaints (although some I do share, but not in a way that makes me want to leave but rather try to improve the circumstances that are under my control), and I've stated that research isn't for them, what else can they say. In your case, you can direct your comments that you have a great position and don't feel the need to change it.
posted by waving at 7:18 AM on January 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by waving at 7:18 AM on January 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
Quit.
Now, I don't mean shoot your boss a couple of middle fingers and knock over the coffee machine on the way out the door. What I mean is, you write a letter of resignation. You outline -- in a single page -- exactly why you are leaving, borrowing liberally from this very question:
posted by Etrigan at 7:29 AM on January 10, 2023 [7 favorites]
Now, I don't mean shoot your boss a couple of middle fingers and knock over the coffee machine on the way out the door. What I mean is, you write a letter of resignation. You outline -- in a single page -- exactly why you are leaving, borrowing liberally from this very question:
Dear Boss --Now set a meeting with your boss. Print the letter. Don't sign it, don't fill in that blank. Lay out exactly what you've said here: I don't want this job, I am happy with the job I have, I am tired of telling you these things. If you finish that meeting genuinely believing that your boss has figured out that he needs to stop asking, then cool. If you don't, then you leave that letter (again, unsigned and undated) on his desk and go home. Let him figure out the next step, knowing that you're willing to walk out the door.
I do not want increased responsibilities, and I feel that this desire is incompatible with your apparent desire to assign me increased responsibilities.
Here is an example: [example]
Here is another example: [example]
I believe that you should be looking for a different person to fill the role you have offered to me, and my continued presence is a distraction from finding that person. With that in mind, I hereby resign my position as of __________ [note: make this an actual blank, and don't fill it in]. I will provide any transition assistance you may require up until that date; however, I will only do so within our previously agreed work hours.
This is not a negotiation.
Yours truly,
vienna
posted by Etrigan at 7:29 AM on January 10, 2023 [7 favorites]
Agree with others for #1... find a phrase and stick with it on repeat. Maybe instead of a no, give a time you could do some extra work. "I can't take on John's task today, but I could take it next Monday and work on it over the week." It sounds like doing other's work is easy for you so spreading it out over a week shouldn't be a huge imposition to your being able to still take time for your hobbies? Consider whether this might be worth doing to avoid doing the work of a job search? The up side is that you not immediately taking on and knocking out someone else's work will limit how much you're asked to do. "Sorry, I can't take on Jane's task this week... I'm working on John's task this week."
For #2: No visionary is appreciated in their own time! Just like women and couples who remain child-free by specific, purposeful choice, people who choose to opt out of the capitalist consumption culture are regarded as (insert all sorts of negative connotations here). He isn't going to ever understand your choices because it *threatens* the way he has framed and lived his life. If you can be happy living the way you do, you either have to be *WRONG* or his has bought into a false narrative of what it takes to be happy. For the promotion/more work pressure, also pick a phrase and stick with it. "Thank you for the offer but I am happy in my current role. I appreciate your desire to pay me more but I consider the flexibility that the role offers me as more valuable compensation that higher salary."
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 7:31 AM on January 10, 2023 [5 favorites]
For #2: No visionary is appreciated in their own time! Just like women and couples who remain child-free by specific, purposeful choice, people who choose to opt out of the capitalist consumption culture are regarded as (insert all sorts of negative connotations here). He isn't going to ever understand your choices because it *threatens* the way he has framed and lived his life. If you can be happy living the way you do, you either have to be *WRONG* or his has bought into a false narrative of what it takes to be happy. For the promotion/more work pressure, also pick a phrase and stick with it. "Thank you for the offer but I am happy in my current role. I appreciate your desire to pay me more but I consider the flexibility that the role offers me as more valuable compensation that higher salary."
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 7:31 AM on January 10, 2023 [5 favorites]
he "just wants to pay me what I deserve" because I'm "underpaid compared to my skillset"
That can be fixed without a promotion.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:32 AM on January 10, 2023 [36 favorites]
That can be fixed without a promotion.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:32 AM on January 10, 2023 [36 favorites]
Does he value you enough to want to keep you? I wonder if using the phrasing of asking for a raise would be a vocabulary that he understands, because you are basically asking for special consideration to be treated in a way he’s not inclined to treat you, and you are willing to walk if you don’t get it. (In fact, I wonder if from his perspective, he’s worried that you are applying to higher-level positions elsewhere while coasting here, and the harder you back off, the harder he offers things he considers to be rewards to keep you, which continues the cycle.) You enjoy your work at the company for xyz reasons, and you are hoping to continue with company doing xyz. Can boss agree to this? If not, no hard feelings, it’s business, and you will look elsewhere to get what you are looking for.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:39 AM on January 10, 2023
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:39 AM on January 10, 2023
"I get so bored when I put in more than a few hours...."
"I've finally gotten where I want so I don't have to waste my life working so much that my life is drained of happiness..."
"I can't imagine ever getting any satisfaction doing that."
"I'm so glad I don't have to work those hours anymore."
"I'm so glad I have a life outside of work again."
"But I'd never have time to...*specific hobby (master the flute, work on my art, share my life with significant other, make a difference in the world, etc.)
"Did you know that a head hunter offered me a salary of (outrageous but honest figure) to take on the job you are offering me, but I turned them down? I don't think I would do it for double that."
"I've already done that for thirty-five years, so it would be going backwards"
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:46 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
"I've finally gotten where I want so I don't have to waste my life working so much that my life is drained of happiness..."
"I can't imagine ever getting any satisfaction doing that."
"I'm so glad I don't have to work those hours anymore."
"I'm so glad I have a life outside of work again."
"But I'd never have time to...*specific hobby (master the flute, work on my art, share my life with significant other, make a difference in the world, etc.)
"Did you know that a head hunter offered me a salary of (outrageous but honest figure) to take on the job you are offering me, but I turned them down? I don't think I would do it for double that."
"I've already done that for thirty-five years, so it would be going backwards"
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:46 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think repeatedly pointing out that you already did the high-pay-and-more-responsibly thing, and it wrecked your life is a good approach. Follow that up with how much you love your current job because it allows you to live a better, more fulfilling, life. Then thank them for it.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:59 AM on January 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 7:59 AM on January 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
You say you can finish your work in a few hours each day and your boss agreed to this from the beginning- are you salaried or hourly? Do others know you’re essentially a part time employee? I think your set up is great, but I also think these boundaries will continually be pushed if others view you as a full time worker.
posted by raccoon409 at 8:01 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by raccoon409 at 8:01 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
"Hey Boss - thanks for offering the opportunity, I appreciate it. That said, I am very happy to continue to do X, Y and Z for you as long as you need me to, but I'm not looking for any additional responsibilities at this stage in my career. Cheers, OP"
Because it's my style, I would probably also say something like "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Happy to let someone else have the opportunity now!" but that's me. The point is that it's a casual exchange, not one frought with conflict or stress - just a nice casual "thanks but no thanks!"
posted by cgg at 8:07 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Because it's my style, I would probably also say something like "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Happy to let someone else have the opportunity now!" but that's me. The point is that it's a casual exchange, not one frought with conflict or stress - just a nice casual "thanks but no thanks!"
posted by cgg at 8:07 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
I actually have run into the same problem you have a couple times. I suggest giving a non-negotiable reason why you can't actually do what he wants. Something like:
"Yes, I have a more sophisticated skillset, but when I put in the more hours required to use that skillset, I get stressed and unhappy and am unable to be productive at work. So actually, I am unable to perform in this capacity over a long period of time. That's why I've been able to occasionally take on other tasks when given generous time to complete it."
posted by cacao at 8:09 AM on January 10, 2023
"Yes, I have a more sophisticated skillset, but when I put in the more hours required to use that skillset, I get stressed and unhappy and am unable to be productive at work. So actually, I am unable to perform in this capacity over a long period of time. That's why I've been able to occasionally take on other tasks when given generous time to complete it."
posted by cacao at 8:09 AM on January 10, 2023
"I know my value on the open market, and I believe I can make a work-life balance arrangement with any number of alternative employers. I want to work here, with you, under this arrangement. If you want to change the arrangement we made in good faith, I will look around to find the arrangement I want with other employers. Look at it this way - I'm compensated in work-life balance and you want me to give up balance. That's just reducing my compensation. You wouldn't stay at a job for reduced compensation for long, would you?"
posted by everythings_interrelated at 8:29 AM on January 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by everythings_interrelated at 8:29 AM on January 10, 2023 [4 favorites]
How about he makes you head of training and development, hired at a percentage equivelant to the hours you work now, at the pay he claims he wants to up you to. Then you are making John and his colleagues more competent in their work, and less reliant on you as a person who uniquely can, but won't in their eyes.
posted by Iteki at 8:36 AM on January 10, 2023
posted by Iteki at 8:36 AM on January 10, 2023
Best answer: Your boss feels like he is getting 70% of your potential value and he wants 100%. Let him know that this is not the dilemma he faces. His real dilemma is whether he gets 70% of your potential value or 0%.
posted by adamrice at 9:09 AM on January 10, 2023 [19 favorites]
posted by adamrice at 9:09 AM on January 10, 2023 [19 favorites]
Maybe you could see if he'd like your assistance in finding someone to do the job that he wants you to do. He obviously needs to hire someone else; maybe he's not comfortable finding someone with the right skillset, and he's trying to use you as an easy out. But what he really needs is to find the right new employee (so you can keep doing your current job).
posted by hydra77 at 9:14 AM on January 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by hydra77 at 9:14 AM on January 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Regarding #2, remember that your boss is only interested in what's good for them, not what's good for you. I'm a bit of a Pollyanna and often forget that I'm truly the only person looking out for me.
posted by Stoof at 10:22 AM on January 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Stoof at 10:22 AM on January 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Yeah, he doesn’t want to make sure you’re paid more, he’s already paying you and wants you to do more work as that’s a cost and resource savings over hiring another person.
If this is nonnegotiable you have to say that (and mean it by being prepared to leave.) The temp we kept trying to convert to f/t (we just want you to have salary and benefits, we’d plead) told us she just needs to be wild and free so f/t is never on the table and she understood if we needed to hire a f/t person instead (we did.)
posted by kapers at 10:54 AM on January 10, 2023
If this is nonnegotiable you have to say that (and mean it by being prepared to leave.) The temp we kept trying to convert to f/t (we just want you to have salary and benefits, we’d plead) told us she just needs to be wild and free so f/t is never on the table and she understood if we needed to hire a f/t person instead (we did.)
posted by kapers at 10:54 AM on January 10, 2023
I get where you are coming from and I have framed it this way with my employer "At this point of my life, I value my and my family's health and happiness higher than anything else. I am happy with what I do. I enjoy my role now. I will do my role in a way that will exceed your expectations." I have tried to be transparent and honest all of the time, in non-judgmental ways. Applying critical thinking but not criticism and not providing problem solving. Employing wisdom and not elbow grease. My work has been to re-frame their understanding of my role as an asset. Maybe not one that they have ever thought about, but nonetheless, here it is. I will provide guidance but not oversee. I just don't want that level of work any more.
In other words: Don't tip your/my applecart. Read the room and understand that I have a very clear objective and it is not to do more.
posted by zerobyproxy at 11:44 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
In other words: Don't tip your/my applecart. Read the room and understand that I have a very clear objective and it is not to do more.
posted by zerobyproxy at 11:44 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Make it clear that you were hired to do X thing, on the understanding that it would involve Y limitations, and you are not interested in changing that. Keep only doing X thing and militantly not touching anything else. You might want to outline it in writing to him in more detail outlining the tasks which you understand to be your role and limitations on your role which you understand to be part of your contract and get him to confirm, so you have something clear to fall back on in these situations.
I would avoid alluding to quiting until you have no other choice as employers do not always react well to this and it could make him less respectful rather than more of your boundaries.
posted by lookoutbelow at 11:58 AM on January 10, 2023
I would avoid alluding to quiting until you have no other choice as employers do not always react well to this and it could make him less respectful rather than more of your boundaries.
posted by lookoutbelow at 11:58 AM on January 10, 2023
I have a possibly different approach.
You don't want your boss to conflict with the work approach you want for yourself based on your values. I assume you'd be happier if he stopped trying to convince you of his values.
Suppose we flip that - he doesn't want you (via your current position) to conflict with the work approach he wants for both him AND the firm based on his values. I assume he'd be happier if you stopped trying to convince him of your values (that you're happy the way it is.)
So perhaps it helps to remove the values part. That also seems like the core of the magic in the "I'm afraid it won't be possible" line. Can you get him what he wants in the workplace in another way? Perhaps you can move into mentorship or training instead of fixing others' projects post-hoc? Or if you're okay with some grey language, then you could say that you have made or developed personal commitments that prevent any such changes. Then it's not "I won't give you more time" it's "I can't give you more time." If you have dependents/family, that's even better - it's completely reasonable to note that you don't feel comfortable discussing committments (e.g. your personal life) that involve a third party's needs or privacy.
posted by BlueBlueElectricBlue at 11:59 AM on January 10, 2023
You don't want your boss to conflict with the work approach you want for yourself based on your values. I assume you'd be happier if he stopped trying to convince you of his values.
Suppose we flip that - he doesn't want you (via your current position) to conflict with the work approach he wants for both him AND the firm based on his values. I assume he'd be happier if you stopped trying to convince him of your values (that you're happy the way it is.)
So perhaps it helps to remove the values part. That also seems like the core of the magic in the "I'm afraid it won't be possible" line. Can you get him what he wants in the workplace in another way? Perhaps you can move into mentorship or training instead of fixing others' projects post-hoc? Or if you're okay with some grey language, then you could say that you have made or developed personal commitments that prevent any such changes. Then it's not "I won't give you more time" it's "I can't give you more time." If you have dependents/family, that's even better - it's completely reasonable to note that you don't feel comfortable discussing committments (e.g. your personal life) that involve a third party's needs or privacy.
posted by BlueBlueElectricBlue at 11:59 AM on January 10, 2023
I have a different read on this than some of the other commenters. I think your boss is worried you're a flight risk! If he's someone who is a go-getter and always looking for ways to advance in his career, he's probably worried that you are bored out of your mind and that you are going to quit to get a job that uses your skills better. You're in a fabulous negotiating position because you're overqualified and you actually can just walk away anytime. So use it!
vienna: 1. What are some scripts I can use to say no to my boss's requests?
I'd start by addressing the pattern: "Hi Boss, you've sent me a lot of requests to help Bob with Task X lately. Is Task X a requirement of my role now?" Give him a chance to respond, then: "I accepted this job to focus on Tasks A, B, and C. I'm not sure this role would still be the right fit for me if it changed to focus on Task X."
If your boss pushes back because you have so much time, and Bob is really struggling, and gosh, it would be great if you helped him out, "One of the things I love so much about this job is all the free time it gives me to pursue the things I'm passionate about. I was happy to help Bob out with Task X a couple of times when we were really in a crunch, but if helping with Task X becomes a regular part of my workload, I'm not sure this role would still be the right fit."
And when you have the higher-level conversation about whether you're bored, I honestly think your strong negotiating position means it's safe for you to be candid, and so your first two paragraphs under the cut are perfect (starting from "I have worked in my field..." and ending with "...I am glad to be out from that period."). I don't really think you need a reframe - those two paragraphs are so compelling to me!
posted by capricorn at 12:22 PM on January 10, 2023
vienna: 1. What are some scripts I can use to say no to my boss's requests?
I'd start by addressing the pattern: "Hi Boss, you've sent me a lot of requests to help Bob with Task X lately. Is Task X a requirement of my role now?" Give him a chance to respond, then: "I accepted this job to focus on Tasks A, B, and C. I'm not sure this role would still be the right fit for me if it changed to focus on Task X."
If your boss pushes back because you have so much time, and Bob is really struggling, and gosh, it would be great if you helped him out, "One of the things I love so much about this job is all the free time it gives me to pursue the things I'm passionate about. I was happy to help Bob out with Task X a couple of times when we were really in a crunch, but if helping with Task X becomes a regular part of my workload, I'm not sure this role would still be the right fit."
And when you have the higher-level conversation about whether you're bored, I honestly think your strong negotiating position means it's safe for you to be candid, and so your first two paragraphs under the cut are perfect (starting from "I have worked in my field..." and ending with "...I am glad to be out from that period."). I don't really think you need a reframe - those two paragraphs are so compelling to me!
posted by capricorn at 12:22 PM on January 10, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
I learned this when I was trying to talk someone into doing something he wasn't in a position to do. He calmly repeated the line after each of my objections, and it sunk in pretty quickly then.
posted by happy_cat at 7:14 AM on January 10, 2023 [8 favorites]