Attend big family event or stay with dying dog
January 3, 2023 8:45 PM Subscribe
Should my wife and I travel to attend my nephew’s coming of age ceremony or stay with our long time dying dog?
My wife and I are supposed to travel cross country to attend my nephew’s “becoming a man” ceremony in a few weeks. If u know about the Jewish religion you know what it is. My dog who is 13 doesn’t have long to live. Both my wife and I planned to go and be gone 6 days. We have a pet sitter scheduled to stay with the dog. One important note here…my elderly parents are attending the ceremony and my sibling wants me there to look after our parents since my sibling needs to be focused on her son and the event so I’m in charge of our parents….reason being is that one has Alzheimer’s and the other is overwhelmed with looking after the sick one.
I’ve had this dog since he was 7 months old. It’s hard to even fathom not being there to say goodbye. It’s very possible he could pass away soon. Possibly Weeks…maybe a couple months. So I’m really feeling anxious about leaving him. But…my sister is really applying pressure for me to come because of my parent’s situation. One option is to have my wife stay back with the dog since this is my family. At least if he passed she’d be with him. But still I’m waaay closer to the dog then my wife…if my dog were to pass while I’m gone that would be rough. Should both my wife and I go and risk it with the pet sitter? Should my wife stay back? Should we both stay back to be with the dog? In some ways I feel like I’m being asked to put my human family before my dog. Rough situation to be in. Any thoughts here are appreciated.
My wife and I are supposed to travel cross country to attend my nephew’s “becoming a man” ceremony in a few weeks. If u know about the Jewish religion you know what it is. My dog who is 13 doesn’t have long to live. Both my wife and I planned to go and be gone 6 days. We have a pet sitter scheduled to stay with the dog. One important note here…my elderly parents are attending the ceremony and my sibling wants me there to look after our parents since my sibling needs to be focused on her son and the event so I’m in charge of our parents….reason being is that one has Alzheimer’s and the other is overwhelmed with looking after the sick one.
I’ve had this dog since he was 7 months old. It’s hard to even fathom not being there to say goodbye. It’s very possible he could pass away soon. Possibly Weeks…maybe a couple months. So I’m really feeling anxious about leaving him. But…my sister is really applying pressure for me to come because of my parent’s situation. One option is to have my wife stay back with the dog since this is my family. At least if he passed she’d be with him. But still I’m waaay closer to the dog then my wife…if my dog were to pass while I’m gone that would be rough. Should both my wife and I go and risk it with the pet sitter? Should my wife stay back? Should we both stay back to be with the dog? In some ways I feel like I’m being asked to put my human family before my dog. Rough situation to be in. Any thoughts here are appreciated.
Best answer: Sending love your way! Personally, I would stay with the dog. It's such a tough decision, though. And I want to remind you that staying with the dog isn't betraying your parents or nephew. You can support them in other ways.
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 8:56 PM on January 3, 2023 [14 favorites]
posted by spiderbeforesunset at 8:56 PM on January 3, 2023 [14 favorites]
Best answer: The general principle I always follow when faced with this kind of conflict is that caring for dependents takes priority over every other kind of family obligation. Doggo is unambiguously a dependent. Stay.
posted by flabdablet at 9:01 PM on January 3, 2023 [23 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 9:01 PM on January 3, 2023 [23 favorites]
Best answer: Take a smaller but calculated risk. Fly in, go to the ceremony, fly out.
posted by dum spiro spero at 9:11 PM on January 3, 2023 [38 favorites]
posted by dum spiro spero at 9:11 PM on January 3, 2023 [38 favorites]
It's good that you're thinking about this now. It gives you and your sibling time to find someone else who can be there for your parents if you should be unable to attend.
posted by aniola at 9:16 PM on January 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by aniola at 9:16 PM on January 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
If you don’t go, your family will know very clearly that you choose the dog over them. I would assume this might have repercussions. Unless they have similar feelings about their dogs.
I’m sorry this is happening. You are in a very tough spot.
posted by miles1972 at 9:17 PM on January 3, 2023 [23 favorites]
I’m sorry this is happening. You are in a very tough spot.
posted by miles1972 at 9:17 PM on January 3, 2023 [23 favorites]
Your parents sound in over their heads. I think it would be kind to go care for them so your sibling can be free to focus on her family for a day or two.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:27 PM on January 3, 2023 [31 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:27 PM on January 3, 2023 [31 favorites]
Best answer: This seems like an important moment to show up for family in some way, or risk lasting damage to those relationships. Personally, I’d feel quite hurt if my sibling chose to skip a family event entirely to be with a dog that wasn’t in a medical emergency. I love my dogs, and would understand someone needing to miss an event because of a dog-related emergency, but “my beloved old dog is approaching the end, so I’m skipping major family events for the next several weeks or months,” strikes me as unreasonable. Maybe you go and your wife stays home, and you don’t stay more than a day or two. Maybe you arrange for a caregiver to look after your parents, and join the ceremony by zoom. But I think the key is acknowledging this event is a big deal to your family and showing up how you can.
Unless you’re looking to cut ties with your family (and maybe you are), this is a situation to take care with. If these aren’t relationships you value, that’s fine and you can act accordingly. However, if you do value them, find a way to show up.
posted by theotherdurassister at 9:33 PM on January 3, 2023 [91 favorites]
Unless you’re looking to cut ties with your family (and maybe you are), this is a situation to take care with. If these aren’t relationships you value, that’s fine and you can act accordingly. However, if you do value them, find a way to show up.
posted by theotherdurassister at 9:33 PM on January 3, 2023 [91 favorites]
You should try to go to the event. At least one of you. Maybe one goes for the full 6 days, and the other comes for 24hrs.
Your presence and caregiving will help your elderly parents the experience the joy of this big milestone in their grandson's life.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by hovey at 9:36 PM on January 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
Your presence and caregiving will help your elderly parents the experience the joy of this big milestone in their grandson's life.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by hovey at 9:36 PM on January 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Dog.
I don't care about family guilt trips. Someone more susceptible to them will have other answers. To me, no one on the family end is dying: it's just inconvenient or disappointing to them if you don't come.
posted by verbminx at 9:38 PM on January 3, 2023 [14 favorites]
I don't care about family guilt trips. Someone more susceptible to them will have other answers. To me, no one on the family end is dying: it's just inconvenient or disappointing to them if you don't come.
posted by verbminx at 9:38 PM on January 3, 2023 [14 favorites]
Before you cancel any flights, do consider the possibility that it might be your dog's time to go before the trip is scheduled to begin.
Otherwise, I think you going alone for the full time, going alone for an abbreviated time, or not going at all are all morally defensible positions*. The human judgement on your actions may be real though. If you are considering changing your plans, it would be kinder to give family members a heads up that plans may change instead of springing it on them last minute.
*I think leaving a dog with the pet sitter in this situation is not ideal from both the dog's perspective, and the sitter's perspective.
posted by oceano at 10:02 PM on January 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
Otherwise, I think you going alone for the full time, going alone for an abbreviated time, or not going at all are all morally defensible positions*. The human judgement on your actions may be real though. If you are considering changing your plans, it would be kinder to give family members a heads up that plans may change instead of springing it on them last minute.
*I think leaving a dog with the pet sitter in this situation is not ideal from both the dog's perspective, and the sitter's perspective.
posted by oceano at 10:02 PM on January 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
Very hard and depends on so many things. How close are you to your sister and nephew and how often do you see them, how often do you help with your parents, how close is your wife to your parents (could she do the job that your sister has asked of you?). How often does your sister ask for this kind of favor? If rarely, you might try to help arrange some kind of satisfactory care for your parents in lieu of your help. I would personally choose my dog, but my family is not particularly close. I think you may need to find where you are most comfortable between don’t go at all, and you both go for 6 days. Maybe go 2 days.
Or, stay with your dog for whatever time he has left, then go help take care of your parents for a week. (If your sister lives near them and is the one who does the most caring for them, which is my guess but could be wrong.)
posted by Glinn at 10:11 PM on January 3, 2023
Or, stay with your dog for whatever time he has left, then go help take care of your parents for a week. (If your sister lives near them and is the one who does the most caring for them, which is my guess but could be wrong.)
posted by Glinn at 10:11 PM on January 3, 2023
Best answer: I think it's important to understand the dog's actual health status. My dog who was also thirteen might have inspired a similar question a few weeks ago - like, "should I travel for Thanksgiving when my dog is losing the use of his back legs? can I in good conscience leave him with someone else when he's in such a bad state?" but it turned he resolved that for us by deciding he no longer wanted to eat, drink, or move much, very suddenly, a handful of weeks before the holiday. Suddenly it went from "he doesn't have long" to his palliative care vet telling me that letting him go soon was the merciful move, and no difficult travel decision needed to be made. At this age, if your dog is unwell, things can spiral very quickly and "doing somewhat poorly" can turn into "it's inhumane to keep him alive when his quality of life is this poor" overnight.
But if it's just a situation where you know he's old and dogs his size don't usually live much past 13, it might be less excusable.
If I were you I would have your wife stay with him and cut the trip much shorter than six days (or you could swap, if your wife would be amenable to letting you stay home while she represents you with your family). Ultimately your nephew only has one bar mitzvah, and the odds that your dog will pass on the one or two days you're away seem pretty slim.
posted by potrzebie at 10:20 PM on January 3, 2023 [20 favorites]
But if it's just a situation where you know he's old and dogs his size don't usually live much past 13, it might be less excusable.
If I were you I would have your wife stay with him and cut the trip much shorter than six days (or you could swap, if your wife would be amenable to letting you stay home while she represents you with your family). Ultimately your nephew only has one bar mitzvah, and the odds that your dog will pass on the one or two days you're away seem pretty slim.
posted by potrzebie at 10:20 PM on January 3, 2023 [20 favorites]
Best answer: If needing to care for your parents weren’t part of this, it would be pretty unambiguous. A bar mitzvah is important but absolutely nowhere near something like a wedding. Your nephew, unless he is for some reason super attached to you, wouldn’t mind you staying home, especially if you send a nice gift and handwritten card. (Cash in multiples of $18 is traditional but in a case like this you might try harder to find something that is meaningful to him as an individual.) The conflict comes from your sibling wanting you to take over caretaker duties so she can focus on her son and his special day. I’d say it’s more important for parents to be there for a person’s bar or bat mitzvah than nearly anyone else, since it’s a whole thing about the kid having been raised by them and now no longer requiring their religious guidance, yadda yadda. So I do get her reasoning. Also Alzheimer’s is so nefarious, I’m sure it does take a ton of her time and attention. It’s reasonable to want help from family for situations like these.
So, what are some possible solutions? One, you get plane tickets that’re refundable, and if your dog is still here when it’s time for the bar mitzvah you make a choice last minute. Two, you figure out how to find caretaking help for your sibling long distance. Do your parents have nurses or other people who help care for them? Could they be hired for a special occasion to come and do this job off hours? Can you financially help swing that? Depending on their location there may be folks who you can hire on an occasional basis like this, temporary help, though I presume with Alzheimer’s having someone familiar would be a boon. Is there someone, family or unrelated but close friend, who could be trusted with this? Like an older cousin or long time family friend. Does the synagogue they belong to have any connections or recommendations (they may have a congregant who has this job, worth asking) that you or your sibling could investigate? Option three is that you RSVP that you won’t be attending and stick to your guns, and let your sibling figure out how to juggle her priorities herself. I think option three is okay if you have an acrimonious relationship with your sibling and she has a history of making unreasonable demands, or if you yourself don’t have the ability to be caretaker for your parents anyway.
posted by Mizu at 10:45 PM on January 3, 2023 [13 favorites]
So, what are some possible solutions? One, you get plane tickets that’re refundable, and if your dog is still here when it’s time for the bar mitzvah you make a choice last minute. Two, you figure out how to find caretaking help for your sibling long distance. Do your parents have nurses or other people who help care for them? Could they be hired for a special occasion to come and do this job off hours? Can you financially help swing that? Depending on their location there may be folks who you can hire on an occasional basis like this, temporary help, though I presume with Alzheimer’s having someone familiar would be a boon. Is there someone, family or unrelated but close friend, who could be trusted with this? Like an older cousin or long time family friend. Does the synagogue they belong to have any connections or recommendations (they may have a congregant who has this job, worth asking) that you or your sibling could investigate? Option three is that you RSVP that you won’t be attending and stick to your guns, and let your sibling figure out how to juggle her priorities herself. I think option three is okay if you have an acrimonious relationship with your sibling and she has a history of making unreasonable demands, or if you yourself don’t have the ability to be caretaker for your parents anyway.
posted by Mizu at 10:45 PM on January 3, 2023 [13 favorites]
Can you fly in the night/early afternoon before (depending on observantness) and out again the next night, leaving your wife with the dog? I understand completely your reluctance to leave him, but it sounds like he is terminally ill rather actively dying, and that could go on for an unpredictable but long time. You may even find taking a day or two to focus on something else important and joyous may allow you to care better for him; looking after a dying dog can be a marathon. (A very close friend was in a similar situation recently, and I assured her that she did not need to visit, but, after such a long time looking after our sweet guy, she needed a brief break.) I don't think leaving him with a sitter in that condition would be appropriate, but it sounds like your wife would be willing to stay.
posted by praemunire at 11:11 PM on January 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 11:11 PM on January 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I think you should make a strong effort to attend the bar mitzvah, especially since you are needed to help look after your elderly patents. Could you and your wife go for a shorter trip, like 3-4 days? This would be the preferred option. The next best alternative is that just you go and your wife stays with the dog. My advice assumes that you have an old and frail dog but not an actively drying dog in an immediate health crisis. If your dog's condition worsens you can cancel the trip. But if you don't go and the dog lives for several more weeks or months your family would likely be less understanding. This is tough and I do feel sorry for you. My family recently cancelled a trip for my father's 80th birthday- the day before the trip the beloved, elderly family dog had a stroke and could not stand up. The vet did a house call but it seemed unlikely the dog would improve and there's no way we could leave him with someone else in that state. We cancelled the trip and the dog died the next day. That was an immediate health crisis though and there was really no other reasonable option.
posted by emd3737 at 11:58 PM on January 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 11:58 PM on January 3, 2023 [5 favorites]
I had a similar dog or go situation. I loved my dork, she was the absolute best doggo.
I realised that while I wanted to go to event, it wasn't fair on her, as sick as she was to extend her life (and potentially comprise on the quality of it. Leaving her with someone who was not me (aka a sitter) wasn't fair on her OR the carer should something have happened. We got an in-home vet to put her down in comfort, with her people, before going away.
Perhaps if you've been wondering if it's time for dog, this is a sign.
posted by socky_puppy at 11:59 PM on January 3, 2023 [36 favorites]
I realised that while I wanted to go to event, it wasn't fair on her, as sick as she was to extend her life (and potentially comprise on the quality of it. Leaving her with someone who was not me (aka a sitter) wasn't fair on her OR the carer should something have happened. We got an in-home vet to put her down in comfort, with her people, before going away.
Perhaps if you've been wondering if it's time for dog, this is a sign.
posted by socky_puppy at 11:59 PM on January 3, 2023 [36 favorites]
Can you Zoom your nephew's event? It would acknowledge and directly participate in his major life event, while letting him (and his immediate family) respect yours: a life lesson always worth imparting to all young people.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 1:13 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 1:13 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
If there isn't an acute health issue for your dog, I might fly in and fly out (so something like 36 hours or two days rather than 6.) If there is, I would definitely stay home.
Also, is there someone else, a non-family member, whose help can be engaged to do parent-care during the event? Maybe a regular caregiver who is familiar to them and would like to make some money on the side? Being expected to fly cross-country to show up at an event to do parent caregiving for parents you aren't around day to day feels a bit weird.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:59 AM on January 4, 2023
Also, is there someone else, a non-family member, whose help can be engaged to do parent-care during the event? Maybe a regular caregiver who is familiar to them and would like to make some money on the side? Being expected to fly cross-country to show up at an event to do parent caregiving for parents you aren't around day to day feels a bit weird.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:59 AM on January 4, 2023
I read your past question about your parents’ situation and in it you mentioned that your sister was carrying a lot of caregiving burdens, including your mum calling in the night because your dad wasn’t being kind about the situation. With that information, I wonder if when your sister says “will you please show up this one time?” It’s so emotional for her that this could be a real wedge. The siblings who do the day-to-day care sometimes only feel that they can ask for help when it’s a special occasion, when really they’re saying they feel burnt out and alone.
So, I’d encourage you to try to show up for a shorter period of time and have your wife cover the dog care, if things aren’t acute.
I’ll also share that I’ve let elderly pets suffer too long, in part because they were good at hiding pain, and in part because I just didn’t want to make that decision. It’s really hard. But if your dog is getting to that kind of place, you could consider planning a best weekend ever and choosing to let the dog go a little earlier. Sometimes that’s a kindness. I don’t know what your dog’s health is like obviously!
posted by warriorqueen at 3:15 AM on January 4, 2023 [77 favorites]
So, I’d encourage you to try to show up for a shorter period of time and have your wife cover the dog care, if things aren’t acute.
I’ll also share that I’ve let elderly pets suffer too long, in part because they were good at hiding pain, and in part because I just didn’t want to make that decision. It’s really hard. But if your dog is getting to that kind of place, you could consider planning a best weekend ever and choosing to let the dog go a little earlier. Sometimes that’s a kindness. I don’t know what your dog’s health is like obviously!
posted by warriorqueen at 3:15 AM on January 4, 2023 [77 favorites]
I apologize that there is no way to phrase this without sounding like a monster, but I would strongly consider helping your dog cross the rainbow bridge now.
My daughter is a vet and she has to counsel people about this daily, and she feels that dogs live in the NOW; they have no conception of tomorrow and our plans for the future and what's coming up next week, etc. They just exist in the moment. When a dog is reaching the end of its life and having health issues, there is really nothing wrong in making that end of life decision for them and letting them go.
To a dog, life is what's around them now. If they are failing and not feeling wonderful, their quality of life is less than, and it's okay to consider euthanasia.
It is always better to euthanize a dog **too soon** than too late. Again, I know this is a terrible concept and I am just passing this along as another option.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:29 AM on January 4, 2023 [59 favorites]
My daughter is a vet and she has to counsel people about this daily, and she feels that dogs live in the NOW; they have no conception of tomorrow and our plans for the future and what's coming up next week, etc. They just exist in the moment. When a dog is reaching the end of its life and having health issues, there is really nothing wrong in making that end of life decision for them and letting them go.
To a dog, life is what's around them now. If they are failing and not feeling wonderful, their quality of life is less than, and it's okay to consider euthanasia.
It is always better to euthanize a dog **too soon** than too late. Again, I know this is a terrible concept and I am just passing this along as another option.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:29 AM on January 4, 2023 [59 favorites]
Did your sibling now, or ever, have a dog themself? If not, and you want to continue a relationship with that part of your family, be prepared to do some major relationship repair work if you skip the bar mitzvah. “My sibling lives on the other coast, I’ve been shouldering the weight of care taking for our parents, my son was having a major life event and my sibling didn’t show up the time I really needed them to.”
Also consider that if nephew has never had a dog, it really hurts to feel like a animal was chosen over you, a human, especially if nephew wants a closer relationship with you, but hasn’t had one because of other family dynamics.
Go, maybe for less time than usual, and have your wife stay home with the dog.
posted by raccoon409 at 3:30 AM on January 4, 2023 [7 favorites]
Also consider that if nephew has never had a dog, it really hurts to feel like a animal was chosen over you, a human, especially if nephew wants a closer relationship with you, but hasn’t had one because of other family dynamics.
Go, maybe for less time than usual, and have your wife stay home with the dog.
posted by raccoon409 at 3:30 AM on January 4, 2023 [7 favorites]
Go. I'm stunned people say otherwise.
posted by LoveHam at 4:16 AM on January 4, 2023 [28 favorites]
posted by LoveHam at 4:16 AM on January 4, 2023 [28 favorites]
Best answer: Don’t leave the dog with a sitter. I have experienced “sitter rushes per to the vet, pet dies there while I frantically try to get a flight home, I come home to an empty carrier on my porch” and I wouldn’t wish it on any one or any pet.
Your wife needs to stay. I think on balance you need to go, but maybe you can arrange to be gone for a shorter time.
posted by Stacey at 4:28 AM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
Your wife needs to stay. I think on balance you need to go, but maybe you can arrange to be gone for a shorter time.
posted by Stacey at 4:28 AM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
In some ways I feel like I’m being asked to put my human family before my dog.
That’s because you are. That this decision is hard for you does you credit as an animal lover, but it’s pretty terrible as a human. Your sister needs you to help take care of your parents. For one event. Regardless of how important the bar mitzvah is to your sister’s family as a lifecycle celebration, coordinating one can be almost as fraught as a wedding, but without a planner. You’re running an event, with more than one location, with a kid who may be nervous or still needs help preparing or may be reluctant and acting out, guests and relatives from both sides of the family coming in from out of town, plus being the responsible point person for whatever entertainment they picked for a bunch of preteens who will be there without their parents. And that’s even if they aren’t dealing with caterers and music and all the grand hoo-hah some people do. Her hands will be full, and dealing with your parents - something you’ve already acknowledged is very difficult for her - will be a huge burden to put on top of that. Assuming they haven’t abused you, family does come first.
Your dog is going to die. It is going to be heartbreaking when it happens. It will hurt like hell. But it is going to happen. If you believe it will happen in weeks, talk with your vet now about what that might look like. And again in a couple of weeks as your trip gets closer. This shouldn’t happen while you’re away, but dogs don’t go like people do, asleep in their beds. At some point it’s a decision, one that we make. Your vet will be honest with you. In my experience they never say “you should do this now.” They’ll hint about it, and they’ll tell you it’s a matter of time as a way to prepare you, and sometimes - rarely - they will give you specific advice (for one of my beloved dogs, I was told that if she wouldn’t eat in 24 hours, it would be time). But as soon as you say “I think it’s time,” they will confirm it. You want to be with your dog when he goes, but presumably that’s because you don’t want your dog to suffer, being alone. Not because you don’t want to suffer, not being there. You will suffer, whether you’re there or not, because you love him.
Plan to go to the bar mitzvah, to be there for your sister and your parents. Be honest with yourself that they need you. And every week, pay attention to your dog’s health just as honestly: is it this week? Is this his time? When the week of the trip comes, if it’s not his time, you go and the pet sitter takes over. Or if you feel it’s his time, let him go before the trip. Be with your wife and your family and grieve. It’s not ideal, but it will also give you something to do. If on the day before your trip you’re genuinely in a middle place, where you think it’s not now but it’s a matter of days, you can cut your trip shorter and leave your wife behind so he won’t be alone. Your dog won’t suffer more if she’s by his side but you’re not. Someone who loves him dearly will be with him, and that’s what matters. He will not pass wondering where you were.
Being with your dog when they die is hard. Not being with your dog when they die is harder. But part of that is because we’re only allowed such a short amount of time with them in our life, no matter how much we love them. Our family is with us exponentially longer. And there are much larger tragedies in life than losing a pet, however much you love them. If being with your family when they need you doesn’t enter into the equation as more than a nagging obligation, don’t expect them to be there for you when you need them.
posted by Mchelly at 4:59 AM on January 4, 2023 [53 favorites]
That’s because you are. That this decision is hard for you does you credit as an animal lover, but it’s pretty terrible as a human. Your sister needs you to help take care of your parents. For one event. Regardless of how important the bar mitzvah is to your sister’s family as a lifecycle celebration, coordinating one can be almost as fraught as a wedding, but without a planner. You’re running an event, with more than one location, with a kid who may be nervous or still needs help preparing or may be reluctant and acting out, guests and relatives from both sides of the family coming in from out of town, plus being the responsible point person for whatever entertainment they picked for a bunch of preteens who will be there without their parents. And that’s even if they aren’t dealing with caterers and music and all the grand hoo-hah some people do. Her hands will be full, and dealing with your parents - something you’ve already acknowledged is very difficult for her - will be a huge burden to put on top of that. Assuming they haven’t abused you, family does come first.
Your dog is going to die. It is going to be heartbreaking when it happens. It will hurt like hell. But it is going to happen. If you believe it will happen in weeks, talk with your vet now about what that might look like. And again in a couple of weeks as your trip gets closer. This shouldn’t happen while you’re away, but dogs don’t go like people do, asleep in their beds. At some point it’s a decision, one that we make. Your vet will be honest with you. In my experience they never say “you should do this now.” They’ll hint about it, and they’ll tell you it’s a matter of time as a way to prepare you, and sometimes - rarely - they will give you specific advice (for one of my beloved dogs, I was told that if she wouldn’t eat in 24 hours, it would be time). But as soon as you say “I think it’s time,” they will confirm it. You want to be with your dog when he goes, but presumably that’s because you don’t want your dog to suffer, being alone. Not because you don’t want to suffer, not being there. You will suffer, whether you’re there or not, because you love him.
Plan to go to the bar mitzvah, to be there for your sister and your parents. Be honest with yourself that they need you. And every week, pay attention to your dog’s health just as honestly: is it this week? Is this his time? When the week of the trip comes, if it’s not his time, you go and the pet sitter takes over. Or if you feel it’s his time, let him go before the trip. Be with your wife and your family and grieve. It’s not ideal, but it will also give you something to do. If on the day before your trip you’re genuinely in a middle place, where you think it’s not now but it’s a matter of days, you can cut your trip shorter and leave your wife behind so he won’t be alone. Your dog won’t suffer more if she’s by his side but you’re not. Someone who loves him dearly will be with him, and that’s what matters. He will not pass wondering where you were.
Being with your dog when they die is hard. Not being with your dog when they die is harder. But part of that is because we’re only allowed such a short amount of time with them in our life, no matter how much we love them. Our family is with us exponentially longer. And there are much larger tragedies in life than losing a pet, however much you love them. If being with your family when they need you doesn’t enter into the equation as more than a nagging obligation, don’t expect them to be there for you when you need them.
posted by Mchelly at 4:59 AM on January 4, 2023 [53 favorites]
I think you should go, if only for a short visit (which maybe you could augment with a longer visit later on). A Bar Mitzvah - not sure why the coyness in naming it - really is a big deal for many families, and sounds like that's the case for yours. It also sounds like your sister has been carrying the main responsibility of caring for your parents for a long time and could use this help that she's explicitly asked for, and I don't know what your relationship is with your parents, but they're probably not going to be around much longer either. Your nephew might have some feelings about this as well, depending on their relationship with you.
One thing you don't mention is how involved you are with the family in general. If you're someone with a long track record of frequent visits and being very involved, your family might be more likely to interpret your not coming as "wow, it must be a really serious situation" than "wow, guess we're not that important to him". If you decide not to go then, unless your sister's family are big animal people, I honestly would consider saying "I can't go because I'm sick" instead of "I can't go because I'm worried my dog might die" even though I'm not a fan of lying in general, because the latter reason is likely to not just hurt your relationship with your family, but to actually hurt them.
posted by trig at 5:04 AM on January 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
One thing you don't mention is how involved you are with the family in general. If you're someone with a long track record of frequent visits and being very involved, your family might be more likely to interpret your not coming as "wow, it must be a really serious situation" than "wow, guess we're not that important to him". If you decide not to go then, unless your sister's family are big animal people, I honestly would consider saying "I can't go because I'm sick" instead of "I can't go because I'm worried my dog might die" even though I'm not a fan of lying in general, because the latter reason is likely to not just hurt your relationship with your family, but to actually hurt them.
posted by trig at 5:04 AM on January 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
LoveHam: I'm stunned people say otherwise.
It's possible those people don't realize how important a bar mitzvah is to Jewish people. This is equivalent to skipping his wedding or funeral. OP, you've got to go to the bar mitzvah; I'm sorry.
posted by capricorn at 5:25 AM on January 4, 2023 [12 favorites]
It's possible those people don't realize how important a bar mitzvah is to Jewish people. This is equivalent to skipping his wedding or funeral. OP, you've got to go to the bar mitzvah; I'm sorry.
posted by capricorn at 5:25 AM on January 4, 2023 [12 favorites]
I don't have a dog or any other pets. My siblings love their dogs very much. If one of them prioritised the dog over me in the circumstances you describe I would be incredibly hurt. I mean, it's not 'fair' that you're being asked to choose between an animal you love and your human family but that is exactly what's happening. And I, for one, would be upset to learn I ranked lower than the dog. I wouldn't mind so much if your wife stayed home to take care of the dog.
posted by plonkee at 5:27 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by plonkee at 5:27 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Your parents are also elderly and at the end of their lives. If you don’t go, your sister doesn’t have a break for her kid’s big day. You need to support your sister.
Shorten the trip and go alone if need be, but don’t skip the bar mitzvah.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:28 AM on January 4, 2023 [17 favorites]
Shorten the trip and go alone if need be, but don’t skip the bar mitzvah.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:28 AM on January 4, 2023 [17 favorites]
My heart goes out to you in this difficult situation.
Your beloved animal companion will soon be gone. Your family will not. Many people will neither understand nor forgive a choice to privilege animal companions over family. If you wish to remain a part of your family, you need to explore the options above of the "fly in for 24 hours" or "one goes, one stays" variety.
This is nothing you can make up for at a later time, send a substitute for, or any of that. When I (and others above) say things like "if you wish to remain a part of your family), I am not joking. Staying with your beloved animal companion instead of being with your family is in the list of things that can, in fact, permanently distance or fracture family. Do consider how well you can cope with that possibility in the long term.
Again, my heart goes out to you.
posted by cupcakeninja at 5:38 AM on January 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
Your beloved animal companion will soon be gone. Your family will not. Many people will neither understand nor forgive a choice to privilege animal companions over family. If you wish to remain a part of your family, you need to explore the options above of the "fly in for 24 hours" or "one goes, one stays" variety.
This is nothing you can make up for at a later time, send a substitute for, or any of that. When I (and others above) say things like "if you wish to remain a part of your family), I am not joking. Staying with your beloved animal companion instead of being with your family is in the list of things that can, in fact, permanently distance or fracture family. Do consider how well you can cope with that possibility in the long term.
Again, my heart goes out to you.
posted by cupcakeninja at 5:38 AM on January 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
Another vote for you going and your wife staying. Yes, you are closer to your dog than your wife is. So spend a day with him and say your goodbyes, or what might be your goodbyes. Your relationship with your dog is not about what happens at the very end; you can't control that and it happens all different ways. At that time, one may well be in crisis mode and just trying to soldier on and sort out the feelings later. But you can have a meaningful time close to the end, while you can still communicate.
Wishing the best for you and your pup.
posted by BibiRose at 5:39 AM on January 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
Wishing the best for you and your pup.
posted by BibiRose at 5:39 AM on January 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I'm firmly in the "stay with the dog" camp. But then again, I've always liked animals more than I like people. Plus, I find ceremonies (of any type) to be horribly boring. So it would be an easy choice for me.
posted by alex1965 at 6:16 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by alex1965 at 6:16 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Plenty of info on the dog, for your sister, it’s important to have someone who can see the change with parents, so sort out that bit of time because it sounds like you will need the experience of direct contact with your parents to help with decisions and next steps with them. They may rally for the ceremony, beg off from the reception and need recovery time. It sounds like your dad has some irritability, maybe that’s only at night, but it could be a lot to manage for a caregiver if he has a loud moment at a sensitive time. Leaving the dog with your spouse is an option. The timing is awful, but your sister is asking you to show up for her and your parents (48 hrs?), and your dog knows your love and needs comfort. Talk to your vet, but if you think the vet will raise an eyebrow about avoiding an uncomfortable family situation-go. If the dog passes before the bar mitzvah you will have more people to hug you through some of the grief.
posted by childofTethys at 6:17 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by childofTethys at 6:17 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Stay home, it sounds like you really don't want to go.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 6:21 AM on January 4, 2023
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 6:21 AM on January 4, 2023
Last summer we had a bunch of family travel obligations and a terminally ill cat. She was deteriorating. We did not want to be the people who euthanized our cat so we could go on “vacation”. She deteriorated further, another trip was looming. Should we stay? Go? One stay, one go? It added to our stress, and we didn’t know how long she would have “naturally” but I knew three things:
1. Since the beginning of her kidney failure, we always wanted her to have a good quality of life and a peaceful death.
2. I did not want her to die alone, possibly in horrible suffering, whether we were out of town or just out at the grocery store.
3. Even though he worked from home, I personally did not want my spouse to have to deal with things alone, either because I was out of town or just downtown at work.
We called Lap of Love and, judging from her medical state in the few days before they came, we were making the right decision even without the added stress of the travel dates.
Afterwards we were sad! It sucked! But we were also relieved that we had not let her deteriorate further. We were like “oh, that got kinda bad. But it could have got so much worse. And we absolutely do not feel we euthanized our cat for our own convenience.”
If your dog is really in a weeks-to-months situation, you never have to let it get worse, no matter what your travel plans. If your dog is not medically in a weeks-to-months situation, you should honestly discuss with your wife her thoughts on the whole situation and you should perhaps try to make a quick trip to your nephew’s thing.
I would consider whether the idea of “oh we can’t call a nice vet because of x” might be blinding you to what would actually be best for your dog, spouse, and self, and incidentally for your sister and nephew. Do a pet quality-of-life checklist and consult your vet.
I’m really sorry about your tough situation.
posted by Hypatia at 6:29 AM on January 4, 2023 [15 favorites]
1. Since the beginning of her kidney failure, we always wanted her to have a good quality of life and a peaceful death.
2. I did not want her to die alone, possibly in horrible suffering, whether we were out of town or just out at the grocery store.
3. Even though he worked from home, I personally did not want my spouse to have to deal with things alone, either because I was out of town or just downtown at work.
We called Lap of Love and, judging from her medical state in the few days before they came, we were making the right decision even without the added stress of the travel dates.
Afterwards we were sad! It sucked! But we were also relieved that we had not let her deteriorate further. We were like “oh, that got kinda bad. But it could have got so much worse. And we absolutely do not feel we euthanized our cat for our own convenience.”
If your dog is really in a weeks-to-months situation, you never have to let it get worse, no matter what your travel plans. If your dog is not medically in a weeks-to-months situation, you should honestly discuss with your wife her thoughts on the whole situation and you should perhaps try to make a quick trip to your nephew’s thing.
I would consider whether the idea of “oh we can’t call a nice vet because of x” might be blinding you to what would actually be best for your dog, spouse, and self, and incidentally for your sister and nephew. Do a pet quality-of-life checklist and consult your vet.
I’m really sorry about your tough situation.
posted by Hypatia at 6:29 AM on January 4, 2023 [15 favorites]
I'll add one more vote for "you go, wife stays, and perhaps explore the possibility of shortening the trip slightly." If it wasn't for the request to assist with parent caregiving, I'd be leaning towards just missing the event, but that's a more serious request in my eyes than just being an attendee.
But also, in the answers above, you can see how different families have different attitudes about this. In my family, it would be expected and understood if someone needed to stay home with a sick/failing animal. But in lots of families, the feelings would be more like what Plonkee describes: "You chose a dog over me, your sibling? Seriously?" So take the answers here as representing several forms of family tradition and family relationships with animals.
I will say that when our previous dog was at almost the same age as yours, he started to visibly decline about two months before he died. He wasn't in pain so we didn't intervene, but day by day you could see the decline in his energy and vitality. We did palliative care only and he passed peacefully without euthanasia some weeks later. In hindsight, now that I have been through that, I would have scheduled a home vet euthanasia visit early in the decline because his life was clearly ending and for all we knew the ending could have been terrible if left unassisted.
I'm not saying that you should casually consider ending your dog's life, but if it gets to the point of visible decline, I now feel that doing so would be the ethical choice, rather than waiting until things are clearly terrible.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:30 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
But also, in the answers above, you can see how different families have different attitudes about this. In my family, it would be expected and understood if someone needed to stay home with a sick/failing animal. But in lots of families, the feelings would be more like what Plonkee describes: "You chose a dog over me, your sibling? Seriously?" So take the answers here as representing several forms of family tradition and family relationships with animals.
I will say that when our previous dog was at almost the same age as yours, he started to visibly decline about two months before he died. He wasn't in pain so we didn't intervene, but day by day you could see the decline in his energy and vitality. We did palliative care only and he passed peacefully without euthanasia some weeks later. In hindsight, now that I have been through that, I would have scheduled a home vet euthanasia visit early in the decline because his life was clearly ending and for all we knew the ending could have been terrible if left unassisted.
I'm not saying that you should casually consider ending your dog's life, but if it gets to the point of visible decline, I now feel that doing so would be the ethical choice, rather than waiting until things are clearly terrible.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:30 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think the piece of this that makes my vote "sister" is that she has been caring and dealing with the parents.
She wants you to come for what I guess is about four days, assuming two travel days (=six days total). I don't think you should cut it short. You don't know your dog is going to die (sorry about that), ....If you do cut it short, I would do everything possible to visit again, for a week or two, or multiple visits (whatever you can swing based on work, etc.) to help her out.
I do agree with everyone who is saying this might be a deal breaker for your sister. I understand her position completely. I had a sibling who refused to help out, made excuses, and let other family members support our dying brother, and then our parent. If this sibling had been generally willing to drop things and help out, a one off situation would not have been an issue. I do not diminish your sorrow and loss with the dog, but I don't know if this is gives you a pass...What if the doggo lives another year? If I were your sister, I would be resentful and disgusted that you won't come help when she has been doing so much.
Whatever happens, do you want to support your sister and parents? You will likely have comparable situations in the future, so start figuring out how to step up in some way, if that is what you want to do.
Families are hard, this could be all wrong, take whatever might help.
posted by rhonzo at 6:36 AM on January 4, 2023 [14 favorites]
She wants you to come for what I guess is about four days, assuming two travel days (=six days total). I don't think you should cut it short. You don't know your dog is going to die (sorry about that), ....If you do cut it short, I would do everything possible to visit again, for a week or two, or multiple visits (whatever you can swing based on work, etc.) to help her out.
I do agree with everyone who is saying this might be a deal breaker for your sister. I understand her position completely. I had a sibling who refused to help out, made excuses, and let other family members support our dying brother, and then our parent. If this sibling had been generally willing to drop things and help out, a one off situation would not have been an issue. I do not diminish your sorrow and loss with the dog, but I don't know if this is gives you a pass...What if the doggo lives another year? If I were your sister, I would be resentful and disgusted that you won't come help when she has been doing so much.
Whatever happens, do you want to support your sister and parents? You will likely have comparable situations in the future, so start figuring out how to step up in some way, if that is what you want to do.
Families are hard, this could be all wrong, take whatever might help.
posted by rhonzo at 6:36 AM on January 4, 2023 [14 favorites]
Just as one other data point, based on your prior question (and I apologize for doing this since you didn't include it into this question; I know it's intrusive), but depending on how advanced your mother's Alzheimer's is at this point in time, and how infrequently you already visit - if this event turned out to be the last time your whole family gets to be together as a family the way you associate it in your mind, with your mother as emotionally connected with you as she always has been before she started to need memory care - and you might have missed it, how would that sit with you in later years? I'm really sorry you're going through this.
posted by Mchelly at 6:38 AM on January 4, 2023 [14 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 6:38 AM on January 4, 2023 [14 favorites]
Best answer: This is terribly hard and everyone can only answer from their perspective, thinking of their relationship with their family and their relationship with a dog that may or may not be a hypothetical. I can also only answer from that perspective - in your shoes, I would without question stay with the dog. My answer would likely be the same for a wedding or a funeral.
Is it possible for your wife to go and help out and represent your branch of the family?
posted by superfluousm at 6:57 AM on January 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
Is it possible for your wife to go and help out and represent your branch of the family?
posted by superfluousm at 6:57 AM on January 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
So sorry your dog isn't well. Still, I think you should definitely go help your family—your wife should stay with the dog, so he's not with a sitter, and you should say goodbye, just in case (though you also say the dog may live for months). Keep giving your dog all your love when you're together; that's what's most important.
posted by pinochiette at 7:07 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by pinochiette at 7:07 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: To anyone who’s never had this kind of human-pet relationship, deciding to stay with your animal will seem monstrously selfish and possibly an insult to your family.
posted by Jon_Evil at 7:12 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Jon_Evil at 7:12 AM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
You should go to the bar mitzvah. If you genuinely think the dog is so close to the end that you can't leave for a couple of days, please do consider making the call a little earlier rather than leaving your wife to care for him alone. I spent a few days alone with a dying dog while my husband went to see his family (for a much less un-reschedulable reason!) and they were without exaggeration the worst few days of my life. He was very, very ill and it was both intensely difficult to watch and intensely difficult to manage on my own. I loved my dog profoundly and I did not want to lose him and I very sincerely wish we'd made the call a week earlier. It seems like the easy solution to say "leave your wife with the dog" but I cannot stress enough that it's fucking hard on your wife!!!!!
posted by babelfish at 7:28 AM on January 4, 2023 [14 favorites]
posted by babelfish at 7:28 AM on January 4, 2023 [14 favorites]
There is very little I wouldn't do for my beloved dog and I am so sorry about the absolutely shit timing of this situation, but you have to go help your sister.
posted by cakelite at 8:15 AM on January 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 8:15 AM on January 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
Best answer: If you stay, it may well be that your sister chooses not to forgive you or it drives a permanent wedge between you and that side of the family. That would not be irrational or unfair of them. You can make that choice, you have every right to make it, but they also have every right to react with anger and hurt as well.
I have a special-needs dog that I have missed major family events and opportunities for. I would go in this case - being the sibling doing the primary caregiving is such a massive burden, and this is a chance to show both empathy and appreciation for that to give her at least one chance to put her own child's needs first. No matter what happens in her life, it seems she simply does not have the opportunity to say "no, I won't take care of them" that you do.
If you don't go and you still value the relationship, you better do everything in your power to arrange for alternate support for her on that day and on others - and to honor your nephew. Perhaps plan to travel out for a week or a month later this year to stay with your parents and give her a break. Maybe you could even arrange a weekend somewhere for their nuclear family to spend time together during that caregiving-free time (ideally somewhere nephew in particular would enjoy). Definitely attend the Bar Mitzvah virtually if possible, and prioritize showing up for nephew in ways big and small in the coming months and years (invite him to visit you solo? travel to attend his play/recital/whatever? play video games together online and chat about life? whatever works for y'all).
posted by mosst at 8:26 AM on January 4, 2023 [11 favorites]
I have a special-needs dog that I have missed major family events and opportunities for. I would go in this case - being the sibling doing the primary caregiving is such a massive burden, and this is a chance to show both empathy and appreciation for that to give her at least one chance to put her own child's needs first. No matter what happens in her life, it seems she simply does not have the opportunity to say "no, I won't take care of them" that you do.
If you don't go and you still value the relationship, you better do everything in your power to arrange for alternate support for her on that day and on others - and to honor your nephew. Perhaps plan to travel out for a week or a month later this year to stay with your parents and give her a break. Maybe you could even arrange a weekend somewhere for their nuclear family to spend time together during that caregiving-free time (ideally somewhere nephew in particular would enjoy). Definitely attend the Bar Mitzvah virtually if possible, and prioritize showing up for nephew in ways big and small in the coming months and years (invite him to visit you solo? travel to attend his play/recital/whatever? play video games together online and chat about life? whatever works for y'all).
posted by mosst at 8:26 AM on January 4, 2023 [11 favorites]
Best answer: "In some ways I feel like I’m being asked to put my human family before my dog."
That’s because you are. That this decision is hard for you does you credit as an animal lover, but it’s pretty terrible as a human.
Wow. Dogs have been beloved companions and members of human families, tribes, and all other close and critical human groupings since prehistorical times. Loving a dog who is dying and wanting to be with that dog rather than attend a non-life-threatening event for other human beings does not in any way make someone a "terrible" human being. Just the opposite.
Your dog is going to die. It is going to be heartbreaking when it happens. It will hurt like hell. But it is going to happen. If you believe it will happen in weeks, talk with your vet now about what that might look like. And again in a couple of weeks as your trip gets closer. This shouldn’t happen while you’re away, but dogs don’t go like people do, asleep in their beds.
Um, what? Dogs die like all creatures die: in all manner of ways, including asleep in their beds, resulting in caregivers waking up one morning and finding their dogs...dead in their beds. Sometimes they get hit by cars. Sometimes they go into cardiac arrest while sitting next to the dinner table and die. Sometimes they are attacked by other dogs or humans and die. Sometimes...etc. Your understanding of dogs -- that all dogs die when human owners and their vets one day make that decision -- is incredibly ... wrong.
Also, please don't euthanize a beloved dog as a logistical and scheduling solution so you can go to a family event. If you feel it is time to euthanize your dog, that is a decision that should be made on its own terms irrespective of the one-time logistical needs of a family member. Similarly, you shouldn't use your dog's general "old age" as an excuse to not attend a family event that you don't want to attend.
Does your sister and more importantly your nephew want you there? And does that matter to you? Or does your sister primarily need you there to attend to your parents during the event (which could be otherwise managed)? Do you consider your dog to be a member of your family and your dependent? Or just a beloved pet? If the former, your family member and dependent takes precedent. If just a beloved pet, there are all kinds of ways to logistically manage this as noted above. If your sister doesn't understand that your dog is a beloved family member and a dependent, that is fine, just as you don't understand perhaps why this event may be for her a total deal-breaker in your relationship with her and your nephew. Both of you in that case are making choices about who you love and why, and who is a priority for you and why, and that doesn't make either one of you "terrible" as a human being.
You are an adult and can choose to prioritize who and how you love. One thing you do know: unlike a human being, your dog won't lay any massive guilt trip on you in a way that a human being would. Your dog loves you unconditionally and as others have said is living in the now. He is happy to be with you when you are around. So for the sake of peace and love, you may end up doing what most humans do and appeasing the person least likely to want you around anymore if you can't do this one thing this one time.
Or, you could not focus on your sister and your parents at all and ask: what does my nephew need? I put the nephew and the dog in the same category as important personal legacies for you, beings who exist outside the cemented mass of obligations, recriminations, and needs of your family of origin and the primary locus of your moral and ethical obligations. Your parents have a dysfunctional-to-abusive relationship that your sister has assumed responsibility for (per your previous question) and that dynamic and the guilt involved is rearing its head again as her choice.
What do your dog and your nephew need? Do that.
posted by desert exile at 8:42 AM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
That’s because you are. That this decision is hard for you does you credit as an animal lover, but it’s pretty terrible as a human.
Wow. Dogs have been beloved companions and members of human families, tribes, and all other close and critical human groupings since prehistorical times. Loving a dog who is dying and wanting to be with that dog rather than attend a non-life-threatening event for other human beings does not in any way make someone a "terrible" human being. Just the opposite.
Your dog is going to die. It is going to be heartbreaking when it happens. It will hurt like hell. But it is going to happen. If you believe it will happen in weeks, talk with your vet now about what that might look like. And again in a couple of weeks as your trip gets closer. This shouldn’t happen while you’re away, but dogs don’t go like people do, asleep in their beds.
Um, what? Dogs die like all creatures die: in all manner of ways, including asleep in their beds, resulting in caregivers waking up one morning and finding their dogs...dead in their beds. Sometimes they get hit by cars. Sometimes they go into cardiac arrest while sitting next to the dinner table and die. Sometimes they are attacked by other dogs or humans and die. Sometimes...etc. Your understanding of dogs -- that all dogs die when human owners and their vets one day make that decision -- is incredibly ... wrong.
Also, please don't euthanize a beloved dog as a logistical and scheduling solution so you can go to a family event. If you feel it is time to euthanize your dog, that is a decision that should be made on its own terms irrespective of the one-time logistical needs of a family member. Similarly, you shouldn't use your dog's general "old age" as an excuse to not attend a family event that you don't want to attend.
Does your sister and more importantly your nephew want you there? And does that matter to you? Or does your sister primarily need you there to attend to your parents during the event (which could be otherwise managed)? Do you consider your dog to be a member of your family and your dependent? Or just a beloved pet? If the former, your family member and dependent takes precedent. If just a beloved pet, there are all kinds of ways to logistically manage this as noted above. If your sister doesn't understand that your dog is a beloved family member and a dependent, that is fine, just as you don't understand perhaps why this event may be for her a total deal-breaker in your relationship with her and your nephew. Both of you in that case are making choices about who you love and why, and who is a priority for you and why, and that doesn't make either one of you "terrible" as a human being.
You are an adult and can choose to prioritize who and how you love. One thing you do know: unlike a human being, your dog won't lay any massive guilt trip on you in a way that a human being would. Your dog loves you unconditionally and as others have said is living in the now. He is happy to be with you when you are around. So for the sake of peace and love, you may end up doing what most humans do and appeasing the person least likely to want you around anymore if you can't do this one thing this one time.
Or, you could not focus on your sister and your parents at all and ask: what does my nephew need? I put the nephew and the dog in the same category as important personal legacies for you, beings who exist outside the cemented mass of obligations, recriminations, and needs of your family of origin and the primary locus of your moral and ethical obligations. Your parents have a dysfunctional-to-abusive relationship that your sister has assumed responsibility for (per your previous question) and that dynamic and the guilt involved is rearing its head again as her choice.
What do your dog and your nephew need? Do that.
posted by desert exile at 8:42 AM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
If the dog is stable, I would go, but pre-research PSW services in the city where the event is. If the dog has a crisis, bring in the PSWs to replace you with the caregiving and go back home.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:45 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:45 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Our pets live in our houses at our behest. Modern pets have no control over when and if they go outside, or with whom they make social connections. They can't fire up the phone or hang out with friends on zoom. They can't even read a get-well card someone sends them. They literally have no one except their owner (see what I mean), and if they are lucky one or two other people living in the house that care about them. It is a life of utter reliance on the kindness of others.
They don't even know when you leave the house if you will ever come back. You can't tell them, oh, I have this other priority that I need to attend to but I still love you and I will be back soon. They really just don't know.
posted by nanook at 9:36 AM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
They don't even know when you leave the house if you will ever come back. You can't tell them, oh, I have this other priority that I need to attend to but I still love you and I will be back soon. They really just don't know.
posted by nanook at 9:36 AM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
I think the choice is between supporting your sister as caretaker of your parents, and taking care of your Dog.
Only you can judge if your sister will understand or not, and if you can live with it if she does take it bad.
The party, nephew etc, is secondary IMO, i would weigh up how it will impact your sister's life if you don't go and relieve her of caring for your parents that day or days.
posted by 15L06 at 9:43 AM on January 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
Only you can judge if your sister will understand or not, and if you can live with it if she does take it bad.
The party, nephew etc, is secondary IMO, i would weigh up how it will impact your sister's life if you don't go and relieve her of caring for your parents that day or days.
posted by 15L06 at 9:43 AM on January 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: please don't euthanize a beloved dog as a logistical and scheduling solution so you can go to a family event
Seconded: I hope people answering this question step back and take a quiet moment to reflect and recognize the feelings one can have for an animal as being just as valid as those for removed family members. A very young nephew will have many major life events, one presumes, that one can participate in celebrating; a loved companion nearing the end does not.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 9:57 AM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
Seconded: I hope people answering this question step back and take a quiet moment to reflect and recognize the feelings one can have for an animal as being just as valid as those for removed family members. A very young nephew will have many major life events, one presumes, that one can participate in celebrating; a loved companion nearing the end does not.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 9:57 AM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
There are two of you. One stays home, one goes to the bar mitzvah.
posted by adamrice at 10:08 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by adamrice at 10:08 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I have a unique perspective on this as someone with an elderly pet who is currently caretaker to a sick family member and formerly a petsitter. I am on team "do a shorter visit, leave your wife with the dog."
1. If your dog is terminally ill with death on the horizon, it is not fair to him or the sitter to get a sitter. We have been the sitters who were brought in to take care of a terminally ill pet. (We were not told in advance that he was terminally ill.) It was absolutely awful - it was agonizing for us and for the pet.
2. Caretaking is all-consuming. If your sister doesn't have someone to take care of your parents she is not going to be able to pull this mitzvah off. She really needs support.
3. You are in a really terrible situation brought on by the frailty of life, and I'm so sorry for that.
It sounds like your sister wants you there for the event itself, but doesn't need you there for a week? If you show up for 48 hours that may be the best bad option available to you, which will show caring to everyone concerned.
posted by rednikki at 10:12 AM on January 4, 2023 [15 favorites]
1. If your dog is terminally ill with death on the horizon, it is not fair to him or the sitter to get a sitter. We have been the sitters who were brought in to take care of a terminally ill pet. (We were not told in advance that he was terminally ill.) It was absolutely awful - it was agonizing for us and for the pet.
2. Caretaking is all-consuming. If your sister doesn't have someone to take care of your parents she is not going to be able to pull this mitzvah off. She really needs support.
3. You are in a really terrible situation brought on by the frailty of life, and I'm so sorry for that.
It sounds like your sister wants you there for the event itself, but doesn't need you there for a week? If you show up for 48 hours that may be the best bad option available to you, which will show caring to everyone concerned.
posted by rednikki at 10:12 AM on January 4, 2023 [15 favorites]
It's very true that our dogs don't know when or if we will return. And yet we do go out the door, every single day.
Your father, your mother, your sister, and yes, even your nephew, will know your dog was more important to you than they were. And that will be for the rest of all your lives; dogs forgive and forget, but people don't.
Let your wife stay home with your dog, and keep your visit short, and I sincerely hope you will come back to your dog and have lots more time with him.
posted by uans at 10:40 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Your father, your mother, your sister, and yes, even your nephew, will know your dog was more important to you than they were. And that will be for the rest of all your lives; dogs forgive and forget, but people don't.
Let your wife stay home with your dog, and keep your visit short, and I sincerely hope you will come back to your dog and have lots more time with him.
posted by uans at 10:40 AM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
If my sibling told me they could not aid in the care of our ailing parents on one of the most important days of my life (many folks in this thread strongly underestimating the significance of a bar mitzvah) because they couldn't bear to be away from their dog — who, while aged, does not sound like they are at death's door, and could easily stay with my sibling's wife — I would be hurt beyond measure.
posted by Charity Garfein at 10:42 AM on January 4, 2023 [25 favorites]
posted by Charity Garfein at 10:42 AM on January 4, 2023 [25 favorites]
Best answer: Could attending to your declining parents be managed otherwise? Sure, but so could be attending to your declining dog. Just as outsourcing this to a stranger would be a hardship for your dog, so it would be for your parents - maybe not even so much to your dad, depending on far he is already gone, but certainly to your mother and sister.
Listening to friends in a similar situation, taking care of a person with Alzheimers is very, very hard, even under the most favourable conditions. They had to outsource a lot of it to paid professionals because of other obligations, and are still left with more than enough care. The paid professional has to be selected carefully, interviewed, briefed, repeatedly checked on - they have to have someone to turn to, in case of any unplanned turn of events, to get further instructions, because ultimately there is only so much responsibility you can actually shift on them. Paying someone for this rarely means you get to lean back and are free to focus on other stuff.
But even if work and responsibility can be shifted to a degree, there's another part to this that's so hard - just being there, not turning away, bearing witness - facing you parent's gradual obliteration, the erasue of your own part in their life, the end of all hopes to mend any rifts in the relationship . No matter how competent, how trusthworty a professional caregiver you find, that's the burden they can't share. And right now, your mother and your sister probably feel they have to carry it all alone. Please understand that they are not playing martyrs, making it harder than it has to be. Not matter how much money you're willing to throw at it, it's always going to be hard. There's no way to avoid the grief, unless you decide you don't care at all.
Your dog won't lay a guilt trip on you. He's also not currently taking care of your difficult dad. Maybe that's immaterial to you, because your dad's wellbeing is no longer your concern. There might be many good reasons for that. But if that isn't the case, if you aren't yet read to wash your hand off him completely, if you sleep ever so slightly better at night knowing that your mother and your sister keep an eye on him, now might be a good time to show your gratitude. It could be a great comfort and relief for your sister and your mother, to know that they're not they only ones who care, the only ones who grieve. This might be one the hardest times in their lifes, a transformative experience, and if you don't share any of that, they will probably find it very hard to relate to you once it's all said and done. It's like soldiers returning from a war no longer being able to connect to the people who stayed at home.
Alzheimer can sometimes bring out the worst in people. I'm talking a big game now, but I'm not sure I will be able to face it, once it comes for someone I love. Your dog might suffer more gracefully, and be more grateful for your presence too. You very likely won't get any gratitude from your dad, and maybe not that much from your mother and your sister either, because they might think you're just doing the bare minimum. Staying with your dog will very likely feel more rewarding in the moment. It's clear that this is what your heart tells you to do. You might easily conclude that your dog needs you more.
But even if that's the case, don't tell yourself that your mother and your sister don't need you at all. This is not at all a question of social niceties. This is one of these chances to be there for you family when it counts most. You might not get many more of those. Eventually people will stop having any expectations for you. This might be a blessing to you, the end of all guilt trips. It's also the end of the bond. To be so free is also to be unmoored. You need to reckon with yourself how to feel about that.
So if you decide to arrange for another caregiver, please consider that it might not fully compensate for your own absence, in terms of the relief it could bring to your mother and sister. But you might be able to make up for that later, once your dog is dead and your dad presumably still has Alzheimers, and your sister and your mother presumably still will be glad for you to step up a bit more. It could be a bit of a gamble because your parents are declining too, but it might be a reasonable risk to take. There is no good choice here. You are not at a bad person, regardless of outcome. But whatever you choose you need to be able to face the music.
posted by sohalt at 11:04 AM on January 4, 2023 [9 favorites]
Listening to friends in a similar situation, taking care of a person with Alzheimers is very, very hard, even under the most favourable conditions. They had to outsource a lot of it to paid professionals because of other obligations, and are still left with more than enough care. The paid professional has to be selected carefully, interviewed, briefed, repeatedly checked on - they have to have someone to turn to, in case of any unplanned turn of events, to get further instructions, because ultimately there is only so much responsibility you can actually shift on them. Paying someone for this rarely means you get to lean back and are free to focus on other stuff.
But even if work and responsibility can be shifted to a degree, there's another part to this that's so hard - just being there, not turning away, bearing witness - facing you parent's gradual obliteration, the erasue of your own part in their life, the end of all hopes to mend any rifts in the relationship . No matter how competent, how trusthworty a professional caregiver you find, that's the burden they can't share. And right now, your mother and your sister probably feel they have to carry it all alone. Please understand that they are not playing martyrs, making it harder than it has to be. Not matter how much money you're willing to throw at it, it's always going to be hard. There's no way to avoid the grief, unless you decide you don't care at all.
Your dog won't lay a guilt trip on you. He's also not currently taking care of your difficult dad. Maybe that's immaterial to you, because your dad's wellbeing is no longer your concern. There might be many good reasons for that. But if that isn't the case, if you aren't yet read to wash your hand off him completely, if you sleep ever so slightly better at night knowing that your mother and your sister keep an eye on him, now might be a good time to show your gratitude. It could be a great comfort and relief for your sister and your mother, to know that they're not they only ones who care, the only ones who grieve. This might be one the hardest times in their lifes, a transformative experience, and if you don't share any of that, they will probably find it very hard to relate to you once it's all said and done. It's like soldiers returning from a war no longer being able to connect to the people who stayed at home.
Alzheimer can sometimes bring out the worst in people. I'm talking a big game now, but I'm not sure I will be able to face it, once it comes for someone I love. Your dog might suffer more gracefully, and be more grateful for your presence too. You very likely won't get any gratitude from your dad, and maybe not that much from your mother and your sister either, because they might think you're just doing the bare minimum. Staying with your dog will very likely feel more rewarding in the moment. It's clear that this is what your heart tells you to do. You might easily conclude that your dog needs you more.
But even if that's the case, don't tell yourself that your mother and your sister don't need you at all. This is not at all a question of social niceties. This is one of these chances to be there for you family when it counts most. You might not get many more of those. Eventually people will stop having any expectations for you. This might be a blessing to you, the end of all guilt trips. It's also the end of the bond. To be so free is also to be unmoored. You need to reckon with yourself how to feel about that.
So if you decide to arrange for another caregiver, please consider that it might not fully compensate for your own absence, in terms of the relief it could bring to your mother and sister. But you might be able to make up for that later, once your dog is dead and your dad presumably still has Alzheimers, and your sister and your mother presumably still will be glad for you to step up a bit more. It could be a bit of a gamble because your parents are declining too, but it might be a reasonable risk to take. There is no good choice here. You are not at a bad person, regardless of outcome. But whatever you choose you need to be able to face the music.
posted by sohalt at 11:04 AM on January 4, 2023 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Does the kid have a pet or want a pet? Regardless, I would talk to the kid and tell him you don't want your dog to have to die alone and hope the child understands and say that you'd like to come out afterward, perhaps for his next birthday, and do something special with him. I would be surprised at any child who wouldn't understand this situation.
Note that I'm speaking as someone who has absolutely no qualms about my people knowing my dog is more important to me than any human. I love my humans, but I love my dog more.
posted by dobbs at 12:22 PM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Note that I'm speaking as someone who has absolutely no qualms about my people knowing my dog is more important to me than any human. I love my humans, but I love my dog more.
posted by dobbs at 12:22 PM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I would say: go and do this for your sister and parents, if your wife is willing to stay home with the dog.
To help your wife, keep the pet sitter booked-- that way neither of them will be alone with the dog, and your wife will have a little freedom so it isn't a solid week of suffering for her.
Your parents need care, your sister needs help, and your dog needs care too. This way, all of them get what they need (and, as a bonus, you're there at this once-in-a-lifetime event for your nephew).
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:25 PM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
To help your wife, keep the pet sitter booked-- that way neither of them will be alone with the dog, and your wife will have a little freedom so it isn't a solid week of suffering for her.
Your parents need care, your sister needs help, and your dog needs care too. This way, all of them get what they need (and, as a bonus, you're there at this once-in-a-lifetime event for your nephew).
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:25 PM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Sohalt: OP's mother is the one with Alzheimer's.
I do not wish to sit the thread, but I do think the fact that OP literally lives on the other side of the country from all of the family in question is relevant. They chose this living situation over immediate family, for whatever reason, long ago. Seems different, circumstantially, from someone living in the same state, etc.
posted by verbminx at 12:29 PM on January 4, 2023
I do not wish to sit the thread, but I do think the fact that OP literally lives on the other side of the country from all of the family in question is relevant. They chose this living situation over immediate family, for whatever reason, long ago. Seems different, circumstantially, from someone living in the same state, etc.
posted by verbminx at 12:29 PM on January 4, 2023
With things like this I sometimes find taking a distanced view allows me to make better decisions. Ask yourself:
-If your dog were not in this situation, would you still go?
-How much more likely do you think it is your dog will pass in the six days you are gone than any other time that you are out of the house for whatever reason (getting groceries, running errands, etc)?
-On a scale of 1 to 10 how important is it to your sister that you be there and how impactful would an absence be on your relationship?
If you decide to go and your dog passes, remember that sometimes people and creatures intentionally wait until they are alone to pass.
posted by donut_princess at 12:31 PM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
-If your dog were not in this situation, would you still go?
-How much more likely do you think it is your dog will pass in the six days you are gone than any other time that you are out of the house for whatever reason (getting groceries, running errands, etc)?
-On a scale of 1 to 10 how important is it to your sister that you be there and how impactful would an absence be on your relationship?
If you decide to go and your dog passes, remember that sometimes people and creatures intentionally wait until they are alone to pass.
posted by donut_princess at 12:31 PM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Just in case anyone is keeping score here I am on team GO to the bar mitzvah.
I am a dog lover, a dog owner my entire life and a person whose 14 year old dog passed away just weeks ago. I have also been a caregiver to a relative with dementia and while caring for and grieving a dying dog is no picnic, solo caregiving for an Alzheimer's patient is much worse. I'm sorry, but if you care at all about your sister, then you need to go and help out with your parent for this event. If you do not care then you need to make that clear to her and kiss the family goodbye. I do not have much sympathy for that approach, myself, but people certainly do it. You do need to understand, though, that it is unlikely you will ever be forgiven and welcomed back into the family.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:56 PM on January 4, 2023 [15 favorites]
I am a dog lover, a dog owner my entire life and a person whose 14 year old dog passed away just weeks ago. I have also been a caregiver to a relative with dementia and while caring for and grieving a dying dog is no picnic, solo caregiving for an Alzheimer's patient is much worse. I'm sorry, but if you care at all about your sister, then you need to go and help out with your parent for this event. If you do not care then you need to make that clear to her and kiss the family goodbye. I do not have much sympathy for that approach, myself, but people certainly do it. You do need to understand, though, that it is unlikely you will ever be forgiven and welcomed back into the family.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:56 PM on January 4, 2023 [15 favorites]
Your wife should stay with the dog, you should go for a shorter trip, and you should pay for help with your parents for the days you can't be there, if you can afford it.
posted by Mavri at 1:45 PM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Mavri at 1:45 PM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If someone told me that they had to miss one of my (or my family's) major life events because their dog was dying, I would totally get it, and feel terrible for that person's impending loss. My first instinct was to tell you to stay home, but after reading all of the thoughtful responses in this thread, I think that you need to go, for at least part of the time.
Since it's your family, I think you need to be the one to fly out, even if you can't go for as long a time period. I agree with others that it's really not fair to a pet sitter to leave them with a dog who could pass at any time -- your wife really needs to be home with your poor pup.
Another comment that resonated was that your relationship with your dog won't be defined by it's last few days -- you missing its death would be TERRIBLY sad, but it doesn't erase a lifetime of being an excellent, loving dog parent. I would say goodbye before you go, just in case.
This whole thing just SUCKS on multiple levels, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm crossing my fingers that your sweet doggo passes peacefully either well before or well after this trip.
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 1:54 PM on January 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
Since it's your family, I think you need to be the one to fly out, even if you can't go for as long a time period. I agree with others that it's really not fair to a pet sitter to leave them with a dog who could pass at any time -- your wife really needs to be home with your poor pup.
Another comment that resonated was that your relationship with your dog won't be defined by it's last few days -- you missing its death would be TERRIBLY sad, but it doesn't erase a lifetime of being an excellent, loving dog parent. I would say goodbye before you go, just in case.
This whole thing just SUCKS on multiple levels, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm crossing my fingers that your sweet doggo passes peacefully either well before or well after this trip.
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 1:54 PM on January 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
I had a pet who was ill and had a major trip planned. As the trip grew closer, we watched my pet, but did not cancel anything. About two weeks before the trip, he took a turn for the worse. We decided to help him pass instead of watching him deteriorate in pain. The vet told us he would have likely suffered for at least another week or two had we let nature take its course. I will never regret getting to be there with him, and I would have never expected someone to do that in my absence.
Had it happened while we were gone, my directive would have been to keep him comfortable as possible until i returned.
My point is that I think closer to your trip you will understand where you're at with your dog. The idea that one day he'll be fine and the next he passes silently in the night is something to hope for, but not guaranteed.
Keep your commitments. Appreciate each day with your dog. Talk to your vet about a clear directive if the worst happens when you're on your trip.
posted by haplesschild at 1:55 PM on January 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
Had it happened while we were gone, my directive would have been to keep him comfortable as possible until i returned.
My point is that I think closer to your trip you will understand where you're at with your dog. The idea that one day he'll be fine and the next he passes silently in the night is something to hope for, but not guaranteed.
Keep your commitments. Appreciate each day with your dog. Talk to your vet about a clear directive if the worst happens when you're on your trip.
posted by haplesschild at 1:55 PM on January 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Your nephew will still be there tomorrow. Your dog might not. Stay with the dog, and offer to pay for a caretaker to sit with your parents for the day.
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:12 PM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:12 PM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I’m Jewish. You gotta go. Your wife can stay home with the dog, but you have to go to the Bar Mitzvah whether you want to or not.
posted by terridrawsstuff at 2:43 PM on January 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by terridrawsstuff at 2:43 PM on January 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I (bat mitzvah, dog person, and the adult child taking care of a declining parent while a sibling lives across the country) am personally team "at least one person stays with the dog," but I have to counsel hard against adopting the framing of the commenters implying that your sister is engaging in a "guilt trip." She appears to be the one more hands on with your parents, being the parent of the bar mitzvah is a huge undertaking that is likely also the culmination of years of teaching and ferrying your nephew to Hebrew school, and if anyone has the contact info for this mysterious ad hoc caretaking service able to swoop in and help someone with cognitive issues navigate a complex family religious event with zero input from me at a reasonable price...zounds, please share it.
Your sister's request for your help over the course of the event is beyond reasonable unless there is some serious family fracture you haven't mentioned; it's your respective situations with your dog and your parents -- not "guilt tripping" -- that is making this difficult.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 2:47 PM on January 4, 2023 [29 favorites]
Your sister's request for your help over the course of the event is beyond reasonable unless there is some serious family fracture you haven't mentioned; it's your respective situations with your dog and your parents -- not "guilt tripping" -- that is making this difficult.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 2:47 PM on January 4, 2023 [29 favorites]
Euthanize, with proper solemnity, and soon enough before you travel so you are not a pain zombie when you get there.
I left the old, old S-dog with a friend I could trust, and we travelled to a family event. He was gone when we got back. Nobody could give him the care that he got from me, and he was emotional, and I think he just gave up.
At the family event, a wedding, I handled the euthanization of my brother's dog, who was probably in heart failure, and double-bagged him and packed him in a freezer for their return from honeymoon.
It was hard to separate life and death on that trip.
posted by the Real Dan at 2:48 PM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I left the old, old S-dog with a friend I could trust, and we travelled to a family event. He was gone when we got back. Nobody could give him the care that he got from me, and he was emotional, and I think he just gave up.
At the family event, a wedding, I handled the euthanization of my brother's dog, who was probably in heart failure, and double-bagged him and packed him in a freezer for their return from honeymoon.
It was hard to separate life and death on that trip.
posted by the Real Dan at 2:48 PM on January 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Jewish dog-lover posting again. You will, in all likelyhood, get another dog one day. Will you get back your sister’s trust or respect over the next decades? You may not care, which is your right. Do you think your parents will be okay with a hired stranger looking after them at a highly significant family event? You may not care, which is your right. But do not underestimate the nature of this insult—which is what it is.
posted by uans at 2:58 PM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by uans at 2:58 PM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
Is your dog dying or just 13? Because even with your sterile framing of the situation, I can practically hear your sister pleading for your help. And you know a bar mitzvah is not an everyday teen's birthday party. Sure, you'll have years with your nephew and other milestones, but this bar mitzvah is most likely a once in a lifetime event.
I'm a married childless (reading between the lines here) dog lover too, but if it were me and my dog was dying, I'd leave my husband home and go to my nephew's big life event. If my dog was merely 13 and in decent health, we'd both go.
Unless you truly don't care about seriously damaging your relationships with your sister, parents, and nephew in one fell swoop you have to go.
posted by kimberussell at 3:13 PM on January 4, 2023 [9 favorites]
I'm a married childless (reading between the lines here) dog lover too, but if it were me and my dog was dying, I'd leave my husband home and go to my nephew's big life event. If my dog was merely 13 and in decent health, we'd both go.
Unless you truly don't care about seriously damaging your relationships with your sister, parents, and nephew in one fell swoop you have to go.
posted by kimberussell at 3:13 PM on January 4, 2023 [9 favorites]
Have your wife stay with the dog, and fly in / fly out for 24 hours. Coordinate care of parents with your sister, hiring a caregiver for a day perhaps to share some of the burden -- presumably she will need the most help before/during?
posted by virve at 3:56 PM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by virve at 3:56 PM on January 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
I love animals, profoundly. Growing up, my pets were my siblings. I get it. But I'm sorry, you really need to go to the bar mitzvah. The only reason you should not go is if you are comfortable being the man who chose a dog over his family. That's not the kindest, most nuanced way to put it, but I'm putting it that way because that's probably how your family can be expected to frame it. When you're on the receiving end of behavior like this, kindness and nuance go out the window. What's left is a very sharp and particular kind of hurt.
To your sister, you will be the man who left her to deal with parental health issues for years, on her own, while also balancing the needs of a growing child, and you couldn't even do her the favor of showing up one time to help manage mom and dad at one of the most important events of her life.
To your parents, you will be the man who couldn't help care for them on one most important day, after they birthed you and raised you for years.
To your nephew, you will be a male role model who couldn't be bothered to celebrate the advent of his own manhood. This is a delicate age, and while you may not perceive the relationship as especially close, your absence may smart him more than you know.
I'm not saying you ARE this man. I'm saying to consider how your family will perceive you from now on. Are you okay with being that man? Are you prepared for all this to resurface during the stressful days of your parents actually ailing and dying (because yeah, unless your sister is a very special person, I think it's gonna come up)? Are you going to regret this if it turns out to be the last real time your family had together, before mom or dad declined for good? If any of these issues give you pause, you need to go.
Challenging as it will be for your wife, I'd leave her with the dog, rather than foist this situation upon a petsitter (and confused dog). Be sure to acknowledge her contribution when you get back, and treat her to something meaningful, especially if your dog seriously declines or passes under her watch. I know this is hard, but the blessed thing about animals is that they are not as fully aware as we are, especially in their dying days. While it may be a comfort to have someone familiar around, the dog is not going to consciously be missing or needing you in those days. Whereas I think you will indeed be consciously missed and needed at the bar mitzvah.
Love and comfort to you all.
posted by desert outpost at 4:33 PM on January 4, 2023 [19 favorites]
To your sister, you will be the man who left her to deal with parental health issues for years, on her own, while also balancing the needs of a growing child, and you couldn't even do her the favor of showing up one time to help manage mom and dad at one of the most important events of her life.
To your parents, you will be the man who couldn't help care for them on one most important day, after they birthed you and raised you for years.
To your nephew, you will be a male role model who couldn't be bothered to celebrate the advent of his own manhood. This is a delicate age, and while you may not perceive the relationship as especially close, your absence may smart him more than you know.
I'm not saying you ARE this man. I'm saying to consider how your family will perceive you from now on. Are you okay with being that man? Are you prepared for all this to resurface during the stressful days of your parents actually ailing and dying (because yeah, unless your sister is a very special person, I think it's gonna come up)? Are you going to regret this if it turns out to be the last real time your family had together, before mom or dad declined for good? If any of these issues give you pause, you need to go.
Challenging as it will be for your wife, I'd leave her with the dog, rather than foist this situation upon a petsitter (and confused dog). Be sure to acknowledge her contribution when you get back, and treat her to something meaningful, especially if your dog seriously declines or passes under her watch. I know this is hard, but the blessed thing about animals is that they are not as fully aware as we are, especially in their dying days. While it may be a comfort to have someone familiar around, the dog is not going to consciously be missing or needing you in those days. Whereas I think you will indeed be consciously missed and needed at the bar mitzvah.
Love and comfort to you all.
posted by desert outpost at 4:33 PM on January 4, 2023 [19 favorites]
Best answer: This is such an interesting thread. And since we are throwing our identities about to justify opinions I'll throw this one in: as a sister of three beloved brothers and a primary caretaker of our mutual parent, if I knew one of my brothers was in this kind of crisis I would relieve him of the obligation to attend. And also this one: as a wife, if I knew my husband was in this crisis, I'd also find a way to reassure him our dog to whom he was so bonded would be well taken care of in life or in death during his absence, and also support his decision to stay with our dog, should he make that.
I am not underestimating the significance of a bar mitzvah and the OP clearly understands its significance as well, yet still he is in crisis with indecision. The simple fact that a bar mitzvah and a sister exists does not make this decision clear cut by any stretch of the imagination.
Good luck, OP. You are in a truly difficult situation despite what some here seem to think and it is all about how and when you parcel out your time and presence with those you love most. Your love for your dog, who you can not even "fathom" not being there for when dying, shines through. Hopefully those who love you can help you out a bit here too.
posted by desert exile at 7:35 PM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
I am not underestimating the significance of a bar mitzvah and the OP clearly understands its significance as well, yet still he is in crisis with indecision. The simple fact that a bar mitzvah and a sister exists does not make this decision clear cut by any stretch of the imagination.
Good luck, OP. You are in a truly difficult situation despite what some here seem to think and it is all about how and when you parcel out your time and presence with those you love most. Your love for your dog, who you can not even "fathom" not being there for when dying, shines through. Hopefully those who love you can help you out a bit here too.
posted by desert exile at 7:35 PM on January 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
Best answer: The simple fact that a bar mitzvah and a sister exists does not make this decision clear cut by any stretch of the imagination.
It's not just the bar mitzvah, though. It's the parents who need sustained hands-on care during that time. If you've reached the point of saying, "These family members were awful to me, I will take no part in their care/only write checks," that's one thing. (I have family members I wouldn't give up a hot game of gin rummy to help, much less leave a beloved and ailing dog behind for a couple of days.) But, up to that point, this is about the most compelling case for coming to pitch in for at least a little while that there is. If you don't help, you'd better be prepared to be treated like someone who has cut ties to the family. It may be a long time before people get over it.
posted by praemunire at 8:17 PM on January 4, 2023 [15 favorites]
It's not just the bar mitzvah, though. It's the parents who need sustained hands-on care during that time. If you've reached the point of saying, "These family members were awful to me, I will take no part in their care/only write checks," that's one thing. (I have family members I wouldn't give up a hot game of gin rummy to help, much less leave a beloved and ailing dog behind for a couple of days.) But, up to that point, this is about the most compelling case for coming to pitch in for at least a little while that there is. If you don't help, you'd better be prepared to be treated like someone who has cut ties to the family. It may be a long time before people get over it.
posted by praemunire at 8:17 PM on January 4, 2023 [15 favorites]
Is your dog actively dying or are they just old and could theoretically go at any minute? This makes a difference in how I would answer.
If they are actively dying, I think it's time to have a conversation with the vet about their quality of life.
If you do not attend this bar mitzvah, I think it's likely you'll destroy your relationships with your family.
posted by notjustthefish at 6:10 AM on January 5, 2023 [5 favorites]
If they are actively dying, I think it's time to have a conversation with the vet about their quality of life.
If you do not attend this bar mitzvah, I think it's likely you'll destroy your relationships with your family.
posted by notjustthefish at 6:10 AM on January 5, 2023 [5 favorites]
I can't imagine leaving my sibling to deal with such highly energy-sucking parents while they were simultaneously trying to host a bar mitzvah. Especially when the option is there to have your wife stay behind. There is, of course, a very good likelihood that your pet will not pass while you are away. Imagine if you abandon your sister on this and your dog does *not* pass that week. Your relationship with your sister will be ashes for sure for sure for sure. You will end up at some point then with no dog and no sister.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:44 AM on January 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:44 AM on January 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
I do agree with everyone who is saying this might be a deal breaker for your sister. I understand her position completely. I had a sibling who refused to help out, made excuses, and let other family members support our dying brother, and then our parent.
Same here. OP, whether or not it's your fault and whether or not it could be helped, you have been letting your obligations towards your human family slide for a long time. Your sister has picked up your slack so far. She is giving you a gift by providing this opportunity for you to show up and fulfill your obligations this time. You have to show up. Do not shorten the trip. Do not try to duck out of your human family obligations to any extent. Be there, be present, help out, go above and beyond if you can. Your wife can stay with your dog.
posted by MiraK at 9:19 AM on January 5, 2023 [11 favorites]
Same here. OP, whether or not it's your fault and whether or not it could be helped, you have been letting your obligations towards your human family slide for a long time. Your sister has picked up your slack so far. She is giving you a gift by providing this opportunity for you to show up and fulfill your obligations this time. You have to show up. Do not shorten the trip. Do not try to duck out of your human family obligations to any extent. Be there, be present, help out, go above and beyond if you can. Your wife can stay with your dog.
posted by MiraK at 9:19 AM on January 5, 2023 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Stay with your dog. Especially if this is the first dog you're losing as an adult, and you don't know the extent of your reaction.
My much-loved dog died when I had just returned from an overseas trip. I was there to hold her as she went, and I am so, so grateful for that. Our dogs do a lot for us. They spend a huge chunk of their lives waiting around for us, and another big chunk consoling us while we deal with silly human problems. If your dog is like mine was, he has comforted you countless times, and he has never hesitated to be with you when you needed him. I really think that, when it's at all possible, we owe it to them to be there in a moment that is legitimately scary - their body becoming weak and possibly feeling pain. It is a great comfort to me that I was there in my girl's last moments, and even my grieving and depressed brain has not been able to find any regrets in those hours. Every moment I spent with her in the last few days is precious. Every time I put anything else first, I regret. I was there for her as she died because like nothing else in my life before or since, that was where I was supposed to be.
Loving an animal like you would love a person is stigmatized, which makes death less ritualized and grief more complicated. If your family hasn't been in a similar dog-human relationship, they will not understand. In a way, I think this makes your decision simpler: you're risking your family relationships whether you go or not, because choosing your family of origin over your long-time dependent can absolutely damage those relationships irreperably. People on this thread were saying your sister might not want anything to do with you if you choose "a dog" over your nephew. Well, if you choose your nephew over your dog, your grief might become so intertwined with your sister's pressure that you become angry at her, and stay angry. That is what grief often does.
For your nephew, this is a big event. He won't miss you. Send a loving gift and maybe a handwritten letter, if you know the kid well. For your sister, your presence is also unlikely to be a very important factor. What she wants is support with your parents, so you should absoutely help her get that. There must be somebody else in this world who is similarly skilled at helping out with your parent's care. Think about what your sister needs, maybe talk to the caregiving parent directly, hire someone to help out, and then rest assured that you have done your duty. This is still a joyous occasion! If your sister were hospitalized and your parents needed emergency care, you should be there. But you get to put your own nuclear family first, and your dog is a part of that. Losing a dog can be as traumatic as losing a child. So try to set yourself up for a peaceful goodbye. Research what to do with your friend's remains, think about who you might want to be there for the times of acute grieving, and think about how you want to say goodbye, if you are lucky enough to have that option. You are already working hard on this emotional stuff right now. It's okay not to take on another obligation. The brain registers grief as physical pain, and that is stressful for your body and mind.
If your sister does not understand the bond between you and this furry companion, I believe it is okay to lie. It's similar to a situation of saying to an employer or a non-supportive relative that you're physically ill, when really it's psychological distress that's keeping you at home. Our world doesn't fully value people's unique inner lives yet. It is okay that you love your dog this much. Really. It's okay if you love him as much as other people can only love their children or partners.
You know where you're supposed to be, that's why you asked this question. Don't allow your sister to hurt you accidentally - she doesn't understand, and she doesn't mean to cause you pain. Don't let her. Tell her you have a medical emergency that you don't want to talk about in detail, and stay with your dog.
posted by toucan at 8:29 AM on January 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
My much-loved dog died when I had just returned from an overseas trip. I was there to hold her as she went, and I am so, so grateful for that. Our dogs do a lot for us. They spend a huge chunk of their lives waiting around for us, and another big chunk consoling us while we deal with silly human problems. If your dog is like mine was, he has comforted you countless times, and he has never hesitated to be with you when you needed him. I really think that, when it's at all possible, we owe it to them to be there in a moment that is legitimately scary - their body becoming weak and possibly feeling pain. It is a great comfort to me that I was there in my girl's last moments, and even my grieving and depressed brain has not been able to find any regrets in those hours. Every moment I spent with her in the last few days is precious. Every time I put anything else first, I regret. I was there for her as she died because like nothing else in my life before or since, that was where I was supposed to be.
Loving an animal like you would love a person is stigmatized, which makes death less ritualized and grief more complicated. If your family hasn't been in a similar dog-human relationship, they will not understand. In a way, I think this makes your decision simpler: you're risking your family relationships whether you go or not, because choosing your family of origin over your long-time dependent can absolutely damage those relationships irreperably. People on this thread were saying your sister might not want anything to do with you if you choose "a dog" over your nephew. Well, if you choose your nephew over your dog, your grief might become so intertwined with your sister's pressure that you become angry at her, and stay angry. That is what grief often does.
For your nephew, this is a big event. He won't miss you. Send a loving gift and maybe a handwritten letter, if you know the kid well. For your sister, your presence is also unlikely to be a very important factor. What she wants is support with your parents, so you should absoutely help her get that. There must be somebody else in this world who is similarly skilled at helping out with your parent's care. Think about what your sister needs, maybe talk to the caregiving parent directly, hire someone to help out, and then rest assured that you have done your duty. This is still a joyous occasion! If your sister were hospitalized and your parents needed emergency care, you should be there. But you get to put your own nuclear family first, and your dog is a part of that. Losing a dog can be as traumatic as losing a child. So try to set yourself up for a peaceful goodbye. Research what to do with your friend's remains, think about who you might want to be there for the times of acute grieving, and think about how you want to say goodbye, if you are lucky enough to have that option. You are already working hard on this emotional stuff right now. It's okay not to take on another obligation. The brain registers grief as physical pain, and that is stressful for your body and mind.
If your sister does not understand the bond between you and this furry companion, I believe it is okay to lie. It's similar to a situation of saying to an employer or a non-supportive relative that you're physically ill, when really it's psychological distress that's keeping you at home. Our world doesn't fully value people's unique inner lives yet. It is okay that you love your dog this much. Really. It's okay if you love him as much as other people can only love their children or partners.
You know where you're supposed to be, that's why you asked this question. Don't allow your sister to hurt you accidentally - she doesn't understand, and she doesn't mean to cause you pain. Don't let her. Tell her you have a medical emergency that you don't want to talk about in detail, and stay with your dog.
posted by toucan at 8:29 AM on January 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: For those of you who came back to read this or are just reading it at a later time...the outcome of the situation took place. My wife and I decided to both go to the Bar Mitzvah but we shortened our trip to only 3 nights away. We had a pet setter stay with the dog. He had been doing a little better so I felt it was ok to take the risk and leave him. The dog held up ok while we were gone. A week after we got back he had a massive seizure and he passed away. I'm happy I was able to go to the Bar Mitzvah because my sister, and my parents really needed me. And of course I wanted to support my nephew. Had my dog passed away while I was gone I don't know how I would have taken that. I knew in my heart of hearts that he was very close to dying. But I'm thankful I got to spend another week with him before he passed. It was one of the most challenging situations I've been in.
posted by ljs30 at 4:35 PM on February 16, 2023 [16 favorites]
posted by ljs30 at 4:35 PM on February 16, 2023 [16 favorites]
That's a more skilful job of obligation juggling than I would have achieved, and I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by flabdablet at 9:55 AM on February 17, 2023
posted by flabdablet at 9:55 AM on February 17, 2023
Thank you so much for letting us know; I have wondered how you were doing. I am so sorry for your loss.
posted by BibiRose at 2:19 PM on February 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 2:19 PM on February 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
I’m so sorry for your loss, and admire the way you worked through this very difficult situation.
posted by punchtothehead at 12:01 AM on February 20, 2023
posted by punchtothehead at 12:01 AM on February 20, 2023
So sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to be there for both important things.
posted by rpfields at 5:23 PM on February 21, 2023
posted by rpfields at 5:23 PM on February 21, 2023
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