Should I euthanize my dog?

October 15, 2019 8:32 AM

I'm at a cross road. My dog who is 14.5 years old was diagnosed with cancer that had spread to her lungs in January. I made a decision at that point to not go through any medication or chemo and just to keep her comfortable and free from pain. She hasn't shown any signs of pain, she still eats with a little coaxing (broth or meat in her food), she's always hungry, she still seems to be happy to see me, but she has slowly deteriorated in weight and is coughing more at night. I brought her in for another check up yesterday for xray comparison and blood work. The Xrays showed that the tumor has taken over both lungs, and in other areas - the mass has grown exponentially since January and she has lost 10 lbs while still eating. The mass is pressing her esophagus up a bit, causing her to cough, and you can see that is has pushed her abdomen. My vet, who usually does not say things of this nature, advised me that now would be the kindest time for me to euthanize before she starts to deteriorate anymore and suffer because of the mass in her lungs and how fast she is losing weight. I don't want to see her get to the stage of being in pain or suffering, and part of me thinks that with her starting to cough more and gasp a bit, and her weight loss that now would be the best time because of the speed of growth this may take over quickly. I have a four year old that I have started to prepare but at the same time it pains me to think of walking her into the vet like this to say goodbye. Part of me thinks its right, but part of me feels so guilty. Anyone had any experience or suggestions?
posted by MamaBee223 to Pets & Animals (37 answers total)

It's time to let her go.
posted by Candleman at 8:41 AM on October 15, 2019 [45 favorites]

at the same time it pains me to think of walking her into the vet like this to say goodbye.

Look into home euthanasia. Less stressful for the dog and for you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:42 AM on October 15, 2019 [28 favorites]

If she's having any trouble breathing, I think that's a sign it's time. I'm so sorry.
posted by praemunire at 8:43 AM on October 15, 2019 [7 favorites]

I would listen to your vet. I waited a long time when my dog was dying of old age, and in retrospect there was a month or two where she was just suffering that I should have spared her.
posted by LizardBreath at 8:43 AM on October 15, 2019 [6 favorites]

No one ever makes this decision and then comes away from it feeling 100% free of guilt. It's natural and normal to feel guilty about such a significant decision. There will probably not be a moment when you no longer feel guilty -- and if you get to that point, it will be because your furry friend is so obviously suffering and miserable that you no longer feel guilty about letting her go. At which point you will feel guilty about waiting too long and causing her pain.

It hurt like hell to put my Sashy down, and I still look back and wonder whether it was the precise right moment to have done it, but that's not a knowable answer. Now seems like a good time -- she isn't yet overwhelmingly in pain, but the path from here to that point is clear and short. Don't let your emotional pain become her physical pain.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:43 AM on October 15, 2019 [13 favorites]

The vet is the subject expert on this, I would go with their recommendation. I've never, never heard a pet owner say they were glad they waited until the very end.
posted by sharp pointy objects at 8:44 AM on October 15, 2019 [8 favorites]

Having had to put numerous pets down throughout my pet-owning life, I can assure you that you will always feel guilty and wonder if it was the right thing to do. Don't let that dissuade you from doing what you know is the right thing to do. And, once you have made the decision to euthanize your dog, don't ever look back. Never question the timing of your decision, for down that road lies madness.
posted by DrGail at 8:44 AM on October 15, 2019 [5 favorites]

Your vet is right. The time is now. There is no time that's going to be great for your four year old, and there is no time that's going to be better for your dog.

The question as to whether or not to bring your four year old daughter to the vet to say goodbye to the dog is yours to make as a parent, of course. We didn't do this when I was a young child, and I can't say that I felt cheated out of anything.
posted by slkinsey at 8:44 AM on October 15, 2019 [3 favorites]

When my cat had pancreatitis and cancer, and was losing weight quickly but still eating and being extra loving, we waited. One night, I saw that she seemed less energetic and realized it was time. The next morning, before I had even had a chance to call the vet, she died in my arms. We shouldn't have waited. I'm so sorry.
posted by Ruki at 8:51 AM on October 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

Vets rarely come out and say it, so your vet feels strongly about this.

It's so hard at the end, because you're doing the most fiddly math trying to get out all the good days without bad days, but let me tell you: a very bad day, which is what you're going to get if you wait too long, is the kind of trauma you (and a four year old) will never forget.

If you are able to have a home service come and do it there (which is a lot less fraught, unless your dog just really loves car rides even to the vet without fear or stress), I still don't think you NEED to have your child in the room.

I had to work this math in the spring and it is time, now, this week. Your dog already does not feel good, I guarantee. You're going to feel guilty no matter what you do, but you will feel worse about an ugly unmanaged end.

Schedule it for Thursday, Friday or Saturday, spend the rest of the week giving her every treat she loves the most - my dog was already on just human food in his final weeks, chicken and a little potato, but we had cheeseburgers, hash browns, ice cream. He couldn't really go for a walk but we would just go stand in the front yard so he could sniff more interesting sniffs than the back yard, pee on some new things, smell where other dogs had passed by. We took final pictures and a little video, we whispered our thanks in his ears, and honestly when the vet came he did get up to check her out because he used to love visitors, but he only had the energy to get up for a minute and any indecision I had was gone then. I still feel so guilty about every thing I ever did wrong in 15 years, but I do not regret those final days or how it ended. Planning it before it gets real bad is a kindness.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:00 AM on October 15, 2019 [37 favorites]

I'm sorry it's time, as someone that has said good bye to several dogs over the years there is no good time, you will always doubt yourself & think you did it too early or too late, be kind to yourself about your decision whatever one you make. If your vet actually said something, it's time. Lyn Nevers advice above is lovely. If you can afford it maybe look at cremation & bringing the ashes home to bury, a family ritual for beloved family pets is a nice way for children to learn to process death, rituals are an important part of mourning so find something that suits your family. My family planted rose bushes over their ashes as an example.
posted by wwax at 9:06 AM on October 15, 2019

Yes, it sounds like it is time. I’m so sorry.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:10 AM on October 15, 2019

Vets rarely come out and say it, so your vet feels strongly about this.

This.

You are in a position to be able to give your dog the gift of a calm, peaceful, comfortable, and loving sendoff right now. That is worth everything, even though it doesn't feel like it. Absolutely go the route of home euthanasia if it's available in your area. It's night and day from going to the vet's office, even if your vet is otherwise amazing.

My daughter was five at the time my dog was put down this past summer and we gave her a few days to say her final goodbyes, but she was not there when it actually happened and I think that was for the best.

I'm so sorry.
posted by anderjen at 9:10 AM on October 15, 2019 [9 favorites]

Look into home euthanasia. Less stressful for the dog and for you.

Quoted for truth.

And yeah, from what you say it’s time to let her go.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:11 AM on October 15, 2019 [3 favorites]

I think you have made good choices so far. I knew it was time when it seemed like my dog was looking at me asking why I was letting him be miserable, and he was losing mobility. Your dog might have a little more time, probably not much. Assume this has to happen in the next couple weeks. If you live anywhere with seasons, I think winter would be harder on the dog.

I would take the dog to some favorite places, the dog park when it's not super crowded, some gentle walks in woods, sort of a farewell tour. Make some special treats and be extra attentive. I have taken 2 dogs for their last vet visits, it was peaceful each time. I'm so sorry, but it sounds like your dog had a great home.
posted by theora55 at 9:14 AM on October 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't bring your four year old to the vet. She is not going to understand the experience. We had to euthanize two pets when our eldest was 4 and we did not bring him either time. You can explain what will happen / what happened, but you will be distracted from what you and your pet need in the moment if you also feel like you need to manage your kid's experience.
posted by emkelley at 9:19 AM on October 15, 2019

In my experience, if you’re asking the question, it’s probably time.
I’m so sorry.
You may find that you feel some actual relief, because you won’t be doing the constant vigilance, looking for any signs of normal behavior, which is exhausting. Feeling relief from that is normal and ok.
posted by bookmammal at 9:29 AM on October 15, 2019 [2 favorites]

The final kindness we can do our animal companions them is to spare them the pain and confusion of decline.
posted by Etrigan at 9:38 AM on October 15, 2019 [3 favorites]

Nthing all the above, and adding one more thought. Don't tell your daughter that your pupper is going to be "put to sleep" unless you want bedtime to be fraught.
posted by kate4914 at 9:40 AM on October 15, 2019 [5 favorites]

We lost our big old black lab to lung cancer earlier this year. We only had a few days from diagnosis until he was coughing up blood and unable to walk. I held off on putting him down until we had labs back confirming that the mass was cancerous and in those few days he really suffered and I wish I had gone with the doc’s suggestion when it was initially made.

I am sorry for your loss.
posted by mwhybark at 9:55 AM on October 15, 2019

Home euthanasia is the best, IMO. We had it done with 2 of our cats at ages 18, and my mom's cat when she was around 17. It didn't really cost any more. The vets did it by appointment after they left work, so on their way home, like around 6pm. They took the corpses, we had no desire to keep ashes, but that was an option. The vets were very soothing and empathized with us, and gave us time. It isn't super quick.

It's easier on the pets, and much, much easier for the humans. We all live in Chicago, so there are a huge number of veterinary services nearby. You can probably find one to do this though, depending on where you live. I cannot imagine doing it any other way now.

And seconding that the decision will leave you feeling bad no matter how or when you do it. In my opinion, it's time for your dog. I also took probably a week too long for one of our cats and extended a painful life too long. The shitty feeling you will have is natural and normal and it's OK to feel that way. It's grieving. Just remember, even asking these questions and considering all this makes you a responsible and good pet owner. Best to you.
posted by SoberHighland at 9:55 AM on October 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

I can assure you that you will always feel guilty and wonder if it was the right thing to do.

Basically the only time I've ever gone into euthanasia for a pet and not felt this was when it has happened because I have taken a pet in who has had a major crisis after a long period of deterioration. I have never, ever been thankful that I waited until that point. If she can appreciate your love and attention but you know the time is coming fast that she won't--now is the best time.

But either way, all of the love that you have given her up until this point for all these years counts for so much, and there is virtually no way that you, as her loving family, can do this that will invalidate all of this. Whatever happens here, it isn't completely irrelevant, but remember that it is just a tiny fraction of her whole life. It isn't going to go perfectly, but it doesn't need to go perfectly for you to have been an amazing family to her.
posted by Sequence at 10:01 AM on October 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

The final kindness we can do our animal companions them is to spare them the pain and confusion of decline.

Thank you for this. Agreed. Sounds like it's time. It will never be easy nor right so the best you can do is the best you can do. Godspeed.
posted by RolandOfEld at 11:08 AM on October 15, 2019

Yes. She can't tell you how much pain she's in. Don't make her suffer any longer. Vets know when it's time.
posted by Enid Lareg at 11:11 AM on October 15, 2019 [2 favorites]

It feels wrong to give you advice here. I will tell you this: my wife and I were in a VERY similar position with our Lola about ten years ago. We made the decision to euthanize her at that time (and after a similar-sounding vet visit). We have never, ever regretted it - and we are both DEFINITELY the type to do to feel bad about shit if we have second thoughts. Even in the moment, it felt appropriate and nice that she got to go out in peace rather than struggling to breathe or something terrible like that.

There was also one genuine upside: we got to give her a Last Best Day Ever, with disgusting treats, trips to her favorite spots to lie in the sun, and one nap each with my wife and me. Really tip-top memories, and way less creepy/conflicted than I thought they'd be.
posted by Ignatius J. Reilly at 12:23 PM on October 15, 2019 [4 favorites]

We were faced with this recently and decided to euthanize Doughty while her illness was still manageable (although the outcome inevitable). Our vet recommended a mobile veterinary service called Lap of Love, who came to our home to administer the medication here where everything is familiar and comfortable.
posted by notyou at 2:03 PM on October 15, 2019 [2 favorites]

Please do it very soon. The fact that the vet gave you a clear, medically-informed opinion is all of the information you need to make this hard, but correct decision. Saying goodbye is so hard, but please try your best to not feel guilty about doing the most loving, selfless, compassionate thing for your beloved animal companion. You're doing the best thing for them.

I'd also encourage you to not have your child present for the actual event. They likely won't form a persistent memory of the goodbye, but the risk of creating a deep fear or misunderstanding is higher than I'd feel comfortable with. I also agree with not using confusing euphemisms like "put to sleep" in discussing this with your child.

I'm sorry, this is so hard, but it's the best thing you can do for your sweet dog.
posted by quince at 2:42 PM on October 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

I had to make this decision recently with my 20 y/o cat. One of the things my vet tech said to me really stuck with me, "Your pet's last day doesn't have to be her worst day." I agree with everyone who said use the "vet comes to your home service."
posted by elmay at 3:10 PM on October 15, 2019 [12 favorites]

When my cat got sick, I waited. She died in the car on the way to the emergency vet at 11:00 at night. I wish I would’ve done it before that.
posted by Weeping_angel at 4:08 PM on October 15, 2019 [2 favorites]

Do it now. It's much better to do it a little early than to wait until you come home one day to find your dog on the floor gasping for air with her tongue turned purple and have to make a rush trip to the vet for an emergency euthanization. I regret that a lot more than I regret the pets I may have had euthanized too soon.
posted by Blue Genie at 5:17 PM on October 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'll join the chorus here and say it's time.

Of course you'll feel guilty, and afterwards you'll feel awful - it can be a terribly hard thing to do, but it's the right thing to do, and the right thing isn't always easy.
posted by HiroProtagonist at 6:58 PM on October 15, 2019

I recently had to put down a 15 year old cat, and we used home euthanasia. It made an awful experience a lot less awful for our cat and I can highly recommend it.
posted by zug at 7:59 PM on October 16, 2019

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. While intellectually we all know that we will eventually outlive our beloved pet, emotionally it is something we are never ready for.

Lap of Love is a veterinary service that comes to you. Their website also has lots of information to help you with your grief, including some information on how you will know it is time.

As a veterinarian, I prefer all of my pets have this at-home goodbye. It is always better than the trip to the clinic. Let them help you.

Again, I'm so sorry.
posted by Seppaku at 7:06 AM on October 17, 2019

I will also add that it is always, always, always better to let them go one day too soon than one day too late. <3
posted by Seppaku at 7:07 AM on October 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

Content warning: worst story in the world follows.

My friend's cat was dying of kidney disease, but the vet didn't tell her to euthanize the cat. Instead, the vet sold my friend weekly bags of saline and needles so that she could feed the cat intravenously at home. My friend hated doing the feedings, and the cat really hated receiving them. The dying cat began avoiding my friend, who had, up until the vet began supplying saline bags and needles, been the cat's favorite living creature in the world. After feedings, my friend's cat would perk up briefly from the hydration and burn up all its energy getting away from my friend. When the cat died, the vet charged my friend a planet for cremation services.

In conclusion, there are good, kind, decent vets for people with dying pets, and yours is one. Stick with this vet and follow their excellent advice.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:46 AM on October 17, 2019

Please let us know what you decided. Of all the comments, none appeared to vote to NOT help your dog over the Rainbow Bridge. That, in itself, is a sign. Add to that what the vet suggested and it's a no-brainer.

Note that it doesn't get easier. If it did, we wouldn't be the pet parents that we are.

I'm sorry.
posted by Man with Lantern at 11:26 AM on October 18, 2019

Response by poster: Thank you all for your kind messages, advice and helping me feel a little better that I am making the right decision. We have decided to make her an in home appointment for this weekend -- without my four year old present but I have started talking to her about it. It is very hard, very sad, but I feel better knowing that most people have felt it never to be too soon, but rather too late. I do not want to see her suffering, and I don't want my daughter's last memory of her to be that either and I fear if I wait that something will happen that will make me regret waiting for her sake. This will never feel like the right decision, but thank you for the kind and honest words.

Oh, and as a side note of "signs," if you believe in that sort of thing.... I chose the 26th arbitrarily to have some extra loving time with her and my mother reminded me that 10/26 was the date my grandmother passed away. My grandmother was a lover and rescuer of dogs, and that I took as a sign that she will be there to take care of my sweet pup.
posted by MamaBee223 at 9:35 AM on October 23, 2019 [6 favorites]