Why is my mom skipping my birthday to be with her new boyfriend?
October 19, 2022 2:07 PM Subscribe
My mom has been moving very fast in a new relationship. She's really either not made an effort or completely fumbled integrating this new person into our family and is now saying she's going to have to skip my birthday to spend time with him. As someone who would like to celebrate my birthday with my mom (and her new partner) as well as the rest of my family, how do I let her know this bothers me without damaging our relationship?
My dad died a couple years ago and my mom who I'm very close with, recently started seeing someone she met online. Now, as an adult, I can see how toxic my mom and dad's relationship was and I was very excited for her to find someone new and helped her set up her dating profile on a dating site. She immediately met someone online and after a couple of phone calls with the person, they met up for a date in person. Early on she was excited for me to meet him and after a little over a week of them dating she arranged introducing him to our family at a birthday party she was hosting. I was very excited to meet this person but my first introduction to him did not make a good impression. He was very hard to talk to and made a few rude comments to me. My mom seemed very quiet during the whole thing and seemed to be trying to police his behavior. I felt upset leaving this encounter but tried to tell myself that the environment (which was a loud party in her small home) wasn’t super conducive to getting to know a person.
After this initial introduction I talked with my mom about how I wanted to get to know her boyfriend better before she invited him to all of our upcoming family get-togethers. I suggested we have a more laid back dinner together with him. She agreed and the dinner ended up going a lot better and I felt like I was able to get to know him and their relationship better. I called her the next day and told her how I enjoyed the dinner and appreciated the chance to get to know him more.
A month has passed since then and they’ve planned a trip together, planned his retirement, the selling his house in order for him to move in with her in the spring. They’ve only dated for two months at this point. This has all felt very jarring to me and other members of my family but I’ve tried to give my mom and her boyfriend support and space. However, it seems my mom had either given up or really fumbled (on more than one occasion) integrating him into our family. Or perhaps, integrating me and my other family members into her new life with her new boyfriend.
Recently, she informed me that she would be staying with her boyfriends during my birthday and that it would be hard for her and him to join the rest of our family in celebrating. They are both leaving for a vacation together a couple days after my birthday so they basically won’t be available until they get back in a little over a week. I started getting frustrating because whatever I suggested she would act like it would be a logistical nightmare and getting together could only work if her boyfriend was included. I just envisioned that she and I could hangout or get lunch one day before or after my birthday, something simple. At every turn in the conversation it felt like she was making it about her and her boyfriend and I was feeling more and more like my birthday was an inconvenience or after thought to her.
She’s thrown other members of my family birthday parties earlier this year and so I was surprised how she was treating my birthday. I told her how I felt and she apologized but then got defensive pretty quickly and started making excuses. I said I felt like I needed some space from her and didn’t want to discuss it any more.
I don’t really know how to move on from here. From my perspective I’ve tried to be supportive and respectful of her new relationship but it feels like I’m seeing a side of my mom that I’ve never seen before and she’s acting in a way that is uncharacteristic of her. Am I out of line with this whole birthday thing? My family has always cared a lot about birthdays and so do I. I don’t need a party, I just kind of thought my mom would make me a priority on this particular day.
My dad died a couple years ago and my mom who I'm very close with, recently started seeing someone she met online. Now, as an adult, I can see how toxic my mom and dad's relationship was and I was very excited for her to find someone new and helped her set up her dating profile on a dating site. She immediately met someone online and after a couple of phone calls with the person, they met up for a date in person. Early on she was excited for me to meet him and after a little over a week of them dating she arranged introducing him to our family at a birthday party she was hosting. I was very excited to meet this person but my first introduction to him did not make a good impression. He was very hard to talk to and made a few rude comments to me. My mom seemed very quiet during the whole thing and seemed to be trying to police his behavior. I felt upset leaving this encounter but tried to tell myself that the environment (which was a loud party in her small home) wasn’t super conducive to getting to know a person.
After this initial introduction I talked with my mom about how I wanted to get to know her boyfriend better before she invited him to all of our upcoming family get-togethers. I suggested we have a more laid back dinner together with him. She agreed and the dinner ended up going a lot better and I felt like I was able to get to know him and their relationship better. I called her the next day and told her how I enjoyed the dinner and appreciated the chance to get to know him more.
A month has passed since then and they’ve planned a trip together, planned his retirement, the selling his house in order for him to move in with her in the spring. They’ve only dated for two months at this point. This has all felt very jarring to me and other members of my family but I’ve tried to give my mom and her boyfriend support and space. However, it seems my mom had either given up or really fumbled (on more than one occasion) integrating him into our family. Or perhaps, integrating me and my other family members into her new life with her new boyfriend.
Recently, she informed me that she would be staying with her boyfriends during my birthday and that it would be hard for her and him to join the rest of our family in celebrating. They are both leaving for a vacation together a couple days after my birthday so they basically won’t be available until they get back in a little over a week. I started getting frustrating because whatever I suggested she would act like it would be a logistical nightmare and getting together could only work if her boyfriend was included. I just envisioned that she and I could hangout or get lunch one day before or after my birthday, something simple. At every turn in the conversation it felt like she was making it about her and her boyfriend and I was feeling more and more like my birthday was an inconvenience or after thought to her.
She’s thrown other members of my family birthday parties earlier this year and so I was surprised how she was treating my birthday. I told her how I felt and she apologized but then got defensive pretty quickly and started making excuses. I said I felt like I needed some space from her and didn’t want to discuss it any more.
I don’t really know how to move on from here. From my perspective I’ve tried to be supportive and respectful of her new relationship but it feels like I’m seeing a side of my mom that I’ve never seen before and she’s acting in a way that is uncharacteristic of her. Am I out of line with this whole birthday thing? My family has always cared a lot about birthdays and so do I. I don’t need a party, I just kind of thought my mom would make me a priority on this particular day.
Yeah, while I appreciate why the birthday bit hurts given that birthdays are a big deal for your family, I would remind yourself that this is clearly not personal on her part - it sounds like she's just swept up in the emotions of this new relationship.
But I think you're right to be worried that your mom's relationship is moving too fast, and you might enlist the support of other family members. I mean, two months in and they're already planning on moving in together and potentially entwining their finances??? That's way, way, too fast– it's impossible to really know a person in two months. Yes, you'll want to avoid being overly judgmental and you cannot prevent her from doing anything, but I wouldn't hide the fact that you're concerned. And I'd try to tease out where this "rush" is coming from - is he pressuring her?
posted by coffeecat at 2:26 PM on October 19, 2022 [14 favorites]
But I think you're right to be worried that your mom's relationship is moving too fast, and you might enlist the support of other family members. I mean, two months in and they're already planning on moving in together and potentially entwining their finances??? That's way, way, too fast– it's impossible to really know a person in two months. Yes, you'll want to avoid being overly judgmental and you cannot prevent her from doing anything, but I wouldn't hide the fact that you're concerned. And I'd try to tease out where this "rush" is coming from - is he pressuring her?
posted by coffeecat at 2:26 PM on October 19, 2022 [14 favorites]
This is a big red flag -- why would she go out of her way to throw birthday parties for other members and then suddenly neglect yours, especially because this seems like a huge tradition that has been kept up for several years? The only common shift so far has to do with your mom's new boyfriend. Several sudden shifts in behavior especially in suddenly throwing away a daughter's birthday tradition and regularity is really jarring, it means that the boyfriend is not interested in continuing in her life and is trying to continue to isolate her.
I would be very concerned for your mom's defensiveness as well, she may be really swept up and getting manipulated, and I would also be concerned about her finances and your finances, nothing about this seems great.
posted by yueliang at 2:33 PM on October 19, 2022 [75 favorites]
I would be very concerned for your mom's defensiveness as well, she may be really swept up and getting manipulated, and I would also be concerned about her finances and your finances, nothing about this seems great.
posted by yueliang at 2:33 PM on October 19, 2022 [75 favorites]
Yeah, actually on reading yueliang's comment, I can see their point about the rapid about-turn and the concern about her potentially being manipulated and deliberately isolated from her family.
In that light I guess I'd tweak my comment to say - yes, be concerned about this recent change including the birthday, but if you discuss it, it'll probably go better if you try not to make the discussion about your personal hurt over her missing your birthday; do it at a time when you feel able to make it clear that you're concerned for her. Otherwise it'll be too easy for her/her partner to write any concerns off as just sour grapes.
posted by penguin pie at 2:48 PM on October 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
In that light I guess I'd tweak my comment to say - yes, be concerned about this recent change including the birthday, but if you discuss it, it'll probably go better if you try not to make the discussion about your personal hurt over her missing your birthday; do it at a time when you feel able to make it clear that you're concerned for her. Otherwise it'll be too easy for her/her partner to write any concerns off as just sour grapes.
posted by penguin pie at 2:48 PM on October 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
to add to yueliang's comments above, i would be concerned that after years of a toxic relationship with your dad, your mom may be fully wearing the rose colored glasses, and it could be that her boyfriend is slowly cutting her off from you. this is a common tactic in abusive relationships.
posted by koroshiya at 2:49 PM on October 19, 2022 [39 favorites]
posted by koroshiya at 2:49 PM on October 19, 2022 [39 favorites]
You're an adult. I understand that birthdays have been a big deal in your family, but it's not as though she's skipping her minor child's birthday. You're a grown person now and I think the expectation that your mother be available every single year to organize your celebration is not realistic. A recalibration of expectations would be a good idea here. Besides, she's already planned a number of birthday parties for other relatives this year? That's a lot of birthday party planning that's been on her plate. It's not unreasonable for her to start limiting that kind of stuff in order to prioritize her relationship. It's not a big deal that you'd have a celebration meal with her after they return from vacation instead of a family party organized by her. It's not like she's missing your wedding.
You and the rest of the family do have reason to be concerned about the speed with which she and he are moving with the relationship. It's fast, but there's a good stretch of time between now and Spring when they're planning to move-in together, so that will hopefully make things more clear. You can all just keep a watchful eye and let her know that you support her making sure she remains secure and happy. Do not let her become isolated. It sounds like her relationship with your father was not healthy for her and so now she finally has a chance at happiness with a partner. She also finally has a good amount of domestic freedom because you are a grown adult and don't require the kind of parenting that a younger child demands. The most important thing is that she's loved and respected by him. The integration into the larger family is less of an issue right now, that will happen over time.
posted by quince at 2:55 PM on October 19, 2022 [6 favorites]
You and the rest of the family do have reason to be concerned about the speed with which she and he are moving with the relationship. It's fast, but there's a good stretch of time between now and Spring when they're planning to move-in together, so that will hopefully make things more clear. You can all just keep a watchful eye and let her know that you support her making sure she remains secure and happy. Do not let her become isolated. It sounds like her relationship with your father was not healthy for her and so now she finally has a chance at happiness with a partner. She also finally has a good amount of domestic freedom because you are a grown adult and don't require the kind of parenting that a younger child demands. The most important thing is that she's loved and respected by him. The integration into the larger family is less of an issue right now, that will happen over time.
posted by quince at 2:55 PM on October 19, 2022 [6 favorites]
If this is a case of your mom finally throwing in the towel on the emotional labor and familial expectation part of that many birthdays, make sure that is a focus of repeated and thorough conversations -- at this point there may not be enough information to know what's going on and it's worth taking the time to find out. It would also be worth checking to see what her own dynamics are and why she has taken upon herself to organize so many birthdays in the first place.
Best case scenario -- she is with a new and loving and supportive partner who is helping her articulate her own needs and she isn't figuring out yet how to explain to you all about it.
Worst case scenario -- it's a case of manipulation and she may be falling into what seems better but also can end up potentially really bad.
This is really tough, I am sorry!
posted by yueliang at 3:10 PM on October 19, 2022 [10 favorites]
Best case scenario -- she is with a new and loving and supportive partner who is helping her articulate her own needs and she isn't figuring out yet how to explain to you all about it.
Worst case scenario -- it's a case of manipulation and she may be falling into what seems better but also can end up potentially really bad.
This is really tough, I am sorry!
posted by yueliang at 3:10 PM on October 19, 2022 [10 favorites]
Yes you're an adult who shouldn't expect that family members drop their lives and cater to your special birthday day... But you're also an adult with needs and feelings who can ask for things! That's what adults do: clearly communicate their needs to others.
I don't think there's a single bit of harm in you saying something like: "Have a great time on your vacation with boyfie, Mom! When you're back it would really mean a lot to me if we could get together just the two of us and have some special time for my birthday. Love you!"
That way you've stated what you need from her, you've given her the space that she has stated that she needs right now, and you're also making it clear that you value the 1:1 time.
I think if by next month when she's back from the trip, if she hasn't been able to make even a little bit of this time for you (specifically time with you without the boyfriend), particularly since this is so out of the norm for her behavior, then it's time to worry about their relationship. Not that there's really much you can do about it, but it's a good and healthy and socially beneficial response to have concern for the people in our lives who may be in abusive situations.
posted by phunniemee at 3:19 PM on October 19, 2022 [11 favorites]
I don't think there's a single bit of harm in you saying something like: "Have a great time on your vacation with boyfie, Mom! When you're back it would really mean a lot to me if we could get together just the two of us and have some special time for my birthday. Love you!"
That way you've stated what you need from her, you've given her the space that she has stated that she needs right now, and you're also making it clear that you value the 1:1 time.
I think if by next month when she's back from the trip, if she hasn't been able to make even a little bit of this time for you (specifically time with you without the boyfriend), particularly since this is so out of the norm for her behavior, then it's time to worry about their relationship. Not that there's really much you can do about it, but it's a good and healthy and socially beneficial response to have concern for the people in our lives who may be in abusive situations.
posted by phunniemee at 3:19 PM on October 19, 2022 [11 favorites]
I feel like "Birthdays aren't a big deal to some people" is really a weird take, when it's your mother and birthdays have always been a big thing in your family. I think it's reasonable to be upset. I think it's actually also weirder to talk about concerns about your mother's relationship than about your own feelings, even if the relationship is concerning.
If the boyfriend is controlling/abusive, then questioning their relationship is probably just going to make both of them defensive (because she's likely to talk to him about what you've said) and give him more ammunition for insisting that your mom keep her distance, if that's what's going on here. His narrative becomes, "Petrafine is undermining our love! She doesn't want you to be happy!" This would increase your mom's isolation.
I would probably approach it more as, "I really love you and want to spend time with you, and I'm sad I won't get to on my birthday. And I'm sad you won't get to spend time with the rest of our family, too. When can we meet up after you get back?" This gives you the opportunity to express your feelings (which are reasonable!) without severing the relationship, or giving her (or him) much to push back against. You're just stating how you feel and saying you'd like to see her. If there are concerns that he's controlling/abusive, it's also good to make it easy for her to stay in contact with you and not like you're giving an ultimatum. (And controlling/abusive people will try to turn everything into an ultimatum.)
I'm sorry. It sounds like you're in a hard situation.
posted by lapis at 3:19 PM on October 19, 2022 [40 favorites]
If the boyfriend is controlling/abusive, then questioning their relationship is probably just going to make both of them defensive (because she's likely to talk to him about what you've said) and give him more ammunition for insisting that your mom keep her distance, if that's what's going on here. His narrative becomes, "Petrafine is undermining our love! She doesn't want you to be happy!" This would increase your mom's isolation.
I would probably approach it more as, "I really love you and want to spend time with you, and I'm sad I won't get to on my birthday. And I'm sad you won't get to spend time with the rest of our family, too. When can we meet up after you get back?" This gives you the opportunity to express your feelings (which are reasonable!) without severing the relationship, or giving her (or him) much to push back against. You're just stating how you feel and saying you'd like to see her. If there are concerns that he's controlling/abusive, it's also good to make it easy for her to stay in contact with you and not like you're giving an ultimatum. (And controlling/abusive people will try to turn everything into an ultimatum.)
I'm sorry. It sounds like you're in a hard situation.
posted by lapis at 3:19 PM on October 19, 2022 [40 favorites]
Against some previous comments: your mom isn't a child. She's had life experiences and an interior life that are informing her behavior now. Why not talk to her, adult to adult? Drop some of the expectations (including about respect you think is afforded differentially to exisiting versus new relationships, including about conventions of parent-child relationships) and see if you can meet each other on solid footing as adults speaking with respect for one another.
I'm saying this as someone who had a whirlwind relationship that covered a controversial-to-many age difference that quickly progressed to living together on our terms, not others' terms, and led to an amazing decade-plus-long relationship with kids and major life milestones. The people who I still keep in touch with were the conversational, curious friends (not the reactive, alarmed friends).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:05 PM on October 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
I'm saying this as someone who had a whirlwind relationship that covered a controversial-to-many age difference that quickly progressed to living together on our terms, not others' terms, and led to an amazing decade-plus-long relationship with kids and major life milestones. The people who I still keep in touch with were the conversational, curious friends (not the reactive, alarmed friends).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:05 PM on October 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
I guess I've watched too much Unsolved Mysteries over the years. All I can is that you tell your mother it's okay, that you wish her the best, and that you hope she continues her relationship with eyes open and wallet closed.
posted by Stuka at 4:09 PM on October 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Stuka at 4:09 PM on October 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Poster here- wanted to add, it seems like she actually might be the person in the relationship who is isolating/rushing him… she convinced him to retire and sell his house. She mentions all the time how she’s helping him with his many problems and issues and complains how his kids are too involved in his life. It’s been really messed up to see my mom in this light and now it feels like even my relationship with her is getting in the way of her relationship with him.
Also, she kept bringing up what we should do for my birthday and what we should do for it and then kept making it seem impossible, which was frustrating.
posted by petrafine at 4:16 PM on October 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
Also, she kept bringing up what we should do for my birthday and what we should do for it and then kept making it seem impossible, which was frustrating.
posted by petrafine at 4:16 PM on October 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
Based on your update: Could it be that she's just intoxicated/overwhelmed with having so many possibilities and so many things open to her, all of a sudden, and she just doesn't quite know yet how to juggle them?
Perhaps your dad called the shots before and she was inclined to go along with things, and now she's suddenly finding she has lots of options and she wants to do it all, and doesn't know how to make them all happen. She wanted to do your birthday stuff like always, but then she also had all this other stuff she'd arranged to do with him. She's so excited to find she now has the freedom to do all the stuff that excites her, but actually after years of doing what your dad decided, she doesn't have the skills to manage colliding diaries and logistics? That might be totally wide of the mark but just a suggestion. If it's right then it's not malicious, and will probably get better as the honeymoon period calms down and as she gets more used to juggling such a busy, exciting life.
It's pretty much how I feel after the past two years of various levels of lockdown and social restriction - I now find juggling a level of social activity that's only about half of what I was doing before, suddenly seems a bit of a brain-stretch. It's not even the administrative task of looking at a diary and seeing where there are spaces that I can put events in, it's the mental load of holding in my mind the fact that I have 5 events to remember this week, and one of them I'll be driving to but need to check parking; another I'll get the bus but have to look up the timetable; the third I just need to see if so-and-so is free to join us etc. It just makes me want to say 'no' to things even when I could physically attend.
posted by penguin pie at 4:35 PM on October 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
Perhaps your dad called the shots before and she was inclined to go along with things, and now she's suddenly finding she has lots of options and she wants to do it all, and doesn't know how to make them all happen. She wanted to do your birthday stuff like always, but then she also had all this other stuff she'd arranged to do with him. She's so excited to find she now has the freedom to do all the stuff that excites her, but actually after years of doing what your dad decided, she doesn't have the skills to manage colliding diaries and logistics? That might be totally wide of the mark but just a suggestion. If it's right then it's not malicious, and will probably get better as the honeymoon period calms down and as she gets more used to juggling such a busy, exciting life.
It's pretty much how I feel after the past two years of various levels of lockdown and social restriction - I now find juggling a level of social activity that's only about half of what I was doing before, suddenly seems a bit of a brain-stretch. It's not even the administrative task of looking at a diary and seeing where there are spaces that I can put events in, it's the mental load of holding in my mind the fact that I have 5 events to remember this week, and one of them I'll be driving to but need to check parking; another I'll get the bus but have to look up the timetable; the third I just need to see if so-and-so is free to join us etc. It just makes me want to say 'no' to things even when I could physically attend.
posted by penguin pie at 4:35 PM on October 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
My mom is the kind of person who always needs to be in a relationship. Which means she’s stayed in bad relationships, remarried several times, looked the other way re: abuse, and kind of neglected her kids on and off from ages 6 to 18 depending on how intense her current fling was. When she was getting bored / angry / limerence was over, she’d come back to us full of guilt and apologies, but then start missing birthdays and leaving holidays early when she met the next guy. There were situations going on while we were growing up that were pretty objectively bad, but everything was second place to [insert new man]. She wanted kids a lot (and had a lot) but didn’t seem to relish motherhood. I think she was trying to fill a void of some kind.
Your mom sounds somewhere on this spectrum, staying in a toxic marriage and now rushing into a man’s life with a zeal for companionship that doesn’t quite match the timeline of this particular relationship. As you know, this isn’t really about birthdays, it’s about seeing your mom as a person who was not just a victim of a toxic dynamic but a co-creator of it. (Not in the blame-y sense, but in the sense that she gravitates toward pseudo-intimacy.) That’s disturbing. It might be a good time to watch your mom from the outside and learn this new thing about her before proceeding, while also making sure she’s safe.
A person can be a victim of abuse and also lack insight into that abuse (in fact this is probably more common than not). It’s not clear to me how toxic the relationship with your father was, but she might not be that aware of the previous dynamic and what her role in it was (again, not in a blame-y way, but in the sense that she might have accepted or embraced bad conditions due to beliefs she holds). There’s not much you can do in this type of situation, unfortunately, unless your mom is open to hearing your thoughts. (It sounds like she is not and she is difficult to communicate with in an authentic way.)
It might also be true that your mom was forcing herself into a tiny emotional labor box for years and years and now that she is out of it she doesn’t know her own strength. She might also see it as her job to find a fixer upper and go about filling the gaps in his life— explains your father, maybe?
posted by stoneandstar at 4:37 PM on October 19, 2022 [12 favorites]
Your mom sounds somewhere on this spectrum, staying in a toxic marriage and now rushing into a man’s life with a zeal for companionship that doesn’t quite match the timeline of this particular relationship. As you know, this isn’t really about birthdays, it’s about seeing your mom as a person who was not just a victim of a toxic dynamic but a co-creator of it. (Not in the blame-y sense, but in the sense that she gravitates toward pseudo-intimacy.) That’s disturbing. It might be a good time to watch your mom from the outside and learn this new thing about her before proceeding, while also making sure she’s safe.
A person can be a victim of abuse and also lack insight into that abuse (in fact this is probably more common than not). It’s not clear to me how toxic the relationship with your father was, but she might not be that aware of the previous dynamic and what her role in it was (again, not in a blame-y way, but in the sense that she might have accepted or embraced bad conditions due to beliefs she holds). There’s not much you can do in this type of situation, unfortunately, unless your mom is open to hearing your thoughts. (It sounds like she is not and she is difficult to communicate with in an authentic way.)
It might also be true that your mom was forcing herself into a tiny emotional labor box for years and years and now that she is out of it she doesn’t know her own strength. She might also see it as her job to find a fixer upper and go about filling the gaps in his life— explains your father, maybe?
posted by stoneandstar at 4:37 PM on October 19, 2022 [12 favorites]
Best answer: This is a different situation than what your mom went through as a widow, but I can say that it's pretty common for people newly back to dating after a long, monogamous marriage to get totally caught up in and enraptured by a new relationship. Those exciting feelings, the new relationship energy, can be completely intoxicating, especially when you haven't experienced it in decades. Based very informally on conversations with my friends who divorced in their 40s, it seems like folks often have an experience like THIS PERSON IS THE ONE MY DREAMY SOULMATE I NEVER KNEW LOVE COULD BE LIKE THIS and go all in very early.
Based on your update, it sounds like your mom is rushing it. It's a bit bonkers to introduce someone widely as a serious partner to your family after only a few dates, and, a month in, to incorporate them into all the family get-togethers. I don't know if there's anyway to tell her to cool her jets that she won't find patronizing or will actually listen to. It sounds like it's tough for you because you are realizing that maybe your mom is part of the problem, and she's maybe even dragging the new boyfriend along a bit.
This totally sucks, and I get why you are hurt by the birthday plan changes. My suggestion to you is to plan the birthday you want. I know that's not how you've done it before, but plan what you want, and invite who you want, and try not to be hurt if your mom doesn't want to attend.
I suspect new boyfriend will back off soon, or things will cool a bit once they both realize the other person isn't SUPER PERFECT FANTASY DREAM PARTNER but just a regular complicated person like everyone else.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:21 PM on October 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
Based on your update, it sounds like your mom is rushing it. It's a bit bonkers to introduce someone widely as a serious partner to your family after only a few dates, and, a month in, to incorporate them into all the family get-togethers. I don't know if there's anyway to tell her to cool her jets that she won't find patronizing or will actually listen to. It sounds like it's tough for you because you are realizing that maybe your mom is part of the problem, and she's maybe even dragging the new boyfriend along a bit.
This totally sucks, and I get why you are hurt by the birthday plan changes. My suggestion to you is to plan the birthday you want. I know that's not how you've done it before, but plan what you want, and invite who you want, and try not to be hurt if your mom doesn't want to attend.
I suspect new boyfriend will back off soon, or things will cool a bit once they both realize the other person isn't SUPER PERFECT FANTASY DREAM PARTNER but just a regular complicated person like everyone else.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:21 PM on October 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
My mom is the kind of person who always needs to be in a relationship.
This is definitely a thing I am familiar with.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 6:34 PM on October 19, 2022
This is definitely a thing I am familiar with.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 6:34 PM on October 19, 2022
how do I let her know this bothers me without damaging our relationship
You do not get to control how she receives the communication of your feelings, nobody can tell you a magic formula you can use that will prevent her from getting defensive or even offensive if she feels criticized.
But you can tell her it bothers you, that is okay even if it leaves some discomfort hanging in the air. You can say "hey, maybe you didn't know how much I look forward to birthday time with you, and if so that's my fault for not being more appreciative, but I'm really sad that's not going to happen. Am I not going to be able to spend time with you anymore? That worries me."
For me, reading between the lines, the new guy doesn't sound great and your mom doesn't have an impressive track record and I don't blame you for being concerned, but the amount of control you have over any of that is basically none. Pretty much the only thing you can do is make sure she knows that that connection is important to you and you want to work like adults work to keep it strong.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:38 PM on October 19, 2022 [6 favorites]
You do not get to control how she receives the communication of your feelings, nobody can tell you a magic formula you can use that will prevent her from getting defensive or even offensive if she feels criticized.
But you can tell her it bothers you, that is okay even if it leaves some discomfort hanging in the air. You can say "hey, maybe you didn't know how much I look forward to birthday time with you, and if so that's my fault for not being more appreciative, but I'm really sad that's not going to happen. Am I not going to be able to spend time with you anymore? That worries me."
For me, reading between the lines, the new guy doesn't sound great and your mom doesn't have an impressive track record and I don't blame you for being concerned, but the amount of control you have over any of that is basically none. Pretty much the only thing you can do is make sure she knows that that connection is important to you and you want to work like adults work to keep it strong.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:38 PM on October 19, 2022 [6 favorites]
But you can tell her it bothers you, that is okay even if it leaves some discomfort hanging in the air. You can say "hey, maybe you didn't know how much I look forward to birthday time with you, and if so that's my fault for not being more appreciative, but I'm really sad that's not going to happen. Am I not going to be able to spend time with you anymore? That worries me."
OP, how open are you to being told that you're too sensitive and that you're an adult and that not everyone gets what they want all the time? Because if you express your discomfort, there's an incredibly strong chance that your mother will clap back with that and clap back hard without once questioning whether she's justified in doing so.
Be sad in private, be worried in private, but don't expect that she her first reaction will not be to invalidate the living daylights out of you. She's an adult and has a right to her own life. She may not know how to enforce that boundary without lashing out at you, but so be it.
posted by blerghamot at 7:47 PM on October 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
OP, how open are you to being told that you're too sensitive and that you're an adult and that not everyone gets what they want all the time? Because if you express your discomfort, there's an incredibly strong chance that your mother will clap back with that and clap back hard without once questioning whether she's justified in doing so.
Be sad in private, be worried in private, but don't expect that she her first reaction will not be to invalidate the living daylights out of you. She's an adult and has a right to her own life. She may not know how to enforce that boundary without lashing out at you, but so be it.
posted by blerghamot at 7:47 PM on October 19, 2022 [4 favorites]
My sympathies; this is an awkward situation and it does seem to be moving awfully fast. But it's also kind of a classic scenario when your parents get new partners. I think the best approach is to detach a bit during this period but keep lines of communication open and express explicitly to your mother that your relationship is important to you. Let her know she can count on that. The boyfriend has been rude to you at times, and it may be that he would like nothing better than for you to seem like you're competing with him or hostile to him or both. That goes double if he's going to be financially dependent on your mother. If that's happening, it is worrying but suggesting he's a gold-digger will not help at this point.
Once the honeymoon phase is over, hopefully things will get a little more normal.
posted by BibiRose at 7:05 AM on October 20, 2022
Once the honeymoon phase is over, hopefully things will get a little more normal.
posted by BibiRose at 7:05 AM on October 20, 2022
Honestly, the more I think about this the more it sounds like you are being encouraged to maintain a parentified role in your mother’s life. You’re welcome to have nothing to do with this mess, if you like. It is not actually the adult child’s role to rescue their unwilling mother from a neverending emotional catastrophe. You don’t have to cut her off or estrange yourself, but you can set extremely low expectations. I’d recommend finding a therapist to work through the grieving for the mother you thought you had, though.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:57 AM on October 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by stoneandstar at 8:57 AM on October 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
HI - I feel you. When my mom died and my dad started dating all of sudden he started to do some weird stuff. Stuff he would have been really mad about if we did to him (like randomly just bringing his date along and not communicating about it before hand). Here are two things that helped me understand:
1. My dad did not know how to date as an adult, the last time he dated he was a teenager and from this lens his teenage-like behavior made more sense. And really, he did not know how to date, he only knew how to be married. He was figuring stuff out and not gracefully.
2. Although my parents did not get divorced, some things that divorced parents should do - give their kids individual attention and make plans with them that showed consistency - needed to be brought up. Birthdays fell under this umbrella. My dad just did not know how to do stuff without my mom (even stuff he had been "in charge" of) and because he was mourning, not divorced, did not think to put this type of work into his relationship with his kids. Talking directly to him about what I needed was helpful. In your case I would say something like "Hey mom, looks like you have a lot going on the week of my birthday. I would really like to celebrate this special day and can we make a plan to do that sometime soon without your boyfriend. Also, it would be fun to do something with your boyfriend another time". It usually did not change individual events where the ship had sailed - instead it made other future events better. Although because everything was changing it was still different and felt weird.
As these family traditions change because of a death or loss, it can really hurt (again). So, if you are feeling hurt or a little lost that is ok. I hope that you have a birthday day that feels good to you without your mom (you are worth celebrating and we are glad you were born) and that she is able to make a plan with you for another time.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 2:14 PM on October 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
1. My dad did not know how to date as an adult, the last time he dated he was a teenager and from this lens his teenage-like behavior made more sense. And really, he did not know how to date, he only knew how to be married. He was figuring stuff out and not gracefully.
2. Although my parents did not get divorced, some things that divorced parents should do - give their kids individual attention and make plans with them that showed consistency - needed to be brought up. Birthdays fell under this umbrella. My dad just did not know how to do stuff without my mom (even stuff he had been "in charge" of) and because he was mourning, not divorced, did not think to put this type of work into his relationship with his kids. Talking directly to him about what I needed was helpful. In your case I would say something like "Hey mom, looks like you have a lot going on the week of my birthday. I would really like to celebrate this special day and can we make a plan to do that sometime soon without your boyfriend. Also, it would be fun to do something with your boyfriend another time". It usually did not change individual events where the ship had sailed - instead it made other future events better. Although because everything was changing it was still different and felt weird.
As these family traditions change because of a death or loss, it can really hurt (again). So, if you are feeling hurt or a little lost that is ok. I hope that you have a birthday day that feels good to you without your mom (you are worth celebrating and we are glad you were born) and that she is able to make a plan with you for another time.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 2:14 PM on October 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
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Separately, and more importantly, if you're concerned about the pace her relationship is moving at, you can perhaps try and talk to her about how she feels about things in a non-pressured, non-judgemental way some other time. Which is not to say that she'll agree with you or act on your concerns - again, she's an adult and you'll have to let her make her own decisions, even, unfortunately, if that means things race on too fast and go badly in the long run.
But let the birthday go, it's only going to inflame things and mean that when you take on the larger, more important discussion, you'll do it from a position of anger, which won't help anything. Don't make the discussion about you and your birthday, make it about her and her relationship and making sure she feels safe and happy with the way things are going.
posted by penguin pie at 2:16 PM on October 19, 2022 [10 favorites]