what to do with a sentimental gift when the sentiment is poisoned
September 13, 2022 7:31 AM Subscribe
Short version: Someone I was in a romantic relationship with gifted me a piece of jewelry that is a source of distress now, and I don't know what to do with it.
I was in a relationship with a man that lasted, on and off, for almost two decades. Although I have come to understand that there is something very wrong with him, and although on the whole the relationship was deeply damaging to me, I loved him and felt loved by him in ways that I know I won't experience with anyone else (please trust that this is not a cognitive distortion of the "I will never love again" variety -- that's not what I am talking about here). This in and of itself is not a bad thing, I think the intensity of feelings in that relationship were more than anything else a) a function of how young I was when I first met him and b) at least in some ways, a trauma bond -- but it's strange to think that a certain kind of feeling that I used to experience, and that was very meaningful to me, is now permanently behind me, and that chapter of my life is now closed.
Over the years, this man gave me several very meaningful gifts, rich in sentiment. Several were pieces of jewelry. This question is about one piece in particular. In the last year of our relationship, he designed and commissioned for me a necklace, where the design represented the path our relationship had taken over the years (two lines converging and diverging), and it was supposed to symbolize that our paths would never diverge again. Less than six months later our relationship imploded in ways that were extremely painful and opaque, and that still I don't and will likely never fully understand.
I have processed, I have journaled, I have a therapist and friends to talk every minutia of my feeling through. I am not at peace with what happened in that relationship, and how it ended, but I am in an accepting place, that twenty years ago, I was just unlucky to meet this man, and that meeting him affected my life the way it did.
What I keep ruminating about, though, is this necklace. I don't know what to do with it. I feel like I have considered every possibility of what can be done with a meaning-laden piece of jewelry in a situation like this, and nothing feels right. It feels devastating to me to still have it in my possession. I never wear it, and I don't even touch it but it's in my house, in my jewelry armoire. It also feels completely "nope" when I contemplate getting rid of it, whether giving it to someone else, or throwing it away, whether in a perfunctory or ritualized way. The idea of having someone else, like a friend, hold it for me for an indefinite period of time, or, similarly, storing it somewhere outside the house, like in a bank vault, does not feel good or right. I considered having it melted and made into something else, but that feels yucky somehow. I have considered returning it to him, but even mailing it or returning it through a third party is a form of contact with him, and I feel in some primal self-preservation way that I should not contact him again, and that even a self-contained one-off "returning your gift" mailing would be an emotional equivalent of pulling out an Ouija board in a horror movie.
I want to add that I don't have any of these issues around the other gifts that he gave me, including pieces of jewelry. And I have not had this issue with gifts from previous relationship. When I separated from my ex-husband, I gave away the jewelry he had given me, and that felt good and "clean" to me. I think my paralysis around this piece of jewelry is because it was designed to represent the wish fulfillment of two people finding their way back to each other, time and again, until finally getting it right, and the necklace is a link to the mythology and "exceptional" nature of that feeling, that is now in the past for me, and it's like a portal I hesitate to close. To be clear there is no possibility of us reuniting yet again, that is not something that I wish or hope for on any level. It's more that "I won't experience that feeling again" thing. The necklace feels like the last link to that feeling, and what it was like to be in that emotional space.
Maybe the answer is, at some point in the future, once I process and grieve this relationship more than I have been able to do to date, the necklace will stop being charged for me, but it is a charged thing for me in the here and now, and I want to deal with it somehow in the here and now. I am wondering if there are solutions I have not considered of what to do with this necklace at this point in time. Can you think of something that has not occurred to me?
I was in a relationship with a man that lasted, on and off, for almost two decades. Although I have come to understand that there is something very wrong with him, and although on the whole the relationship was deeply damaging to me, I loved him and felt loved by him in ways that I know I won't experience with anyone else (please trust that this is not a cognitive distortion of the "I will never love again" variety -- that's not what I am talking about here). This in and of itself is not a bad thing, I think the intensity of feelings in that relationship were more than anything else a) a function of how young I was when I first met him and b) at least in some ways, a trauma bond -- but it's strange to think that a certain kind of feeling that I used to experience, and that was very meaningful to me, is now permanently behind me, and that chapter of my life is now closed.
Over the years, this man gave me several very meaningful gifts, rich in sentiment. Several were pieces of jewelry. This question is about one piece in particular. In the last year of our relationship, he designed and commissioned for me a necklace, where the design represented the path our relationship had taken over the years (two lines converging and diverging), and it was supposed to symbolize that our paths would never diverge again. Less than six months later our relationship imploded in ways that were extremely painful and opaque, and that still I don't and will likely never fully understand.
I have processed, I have journaled, I have a therapist and friends to talk every minutia of my feeling through. I am not at peace with what happened in that relationship, and how it ended, but I am in an accepting place, that twenty years ago, I was just unlucky to meet this man, and that meeting him affected my life the way it did.
What I keep ruminating about, though, is this necklace. I don't know what to do with it. I feel like I have considered every possibility of what can be done with a meaning-laden piece of jewelry in a situation like this, and nothing feels right. It feels devastating to me to still have it in my possession. I never wear it, and I don't even touch it but it's in my house, in my jewelry armoire. It also feels completely "nope" when I contemplate getting rid of it, whether giving it to someone else, or throwing it away, whether in a perfunctory or ritualized way. The idea of having someone else, like a friend, hold it for me for an indefinite period of time, or, similarly, storing it somewhere outside the house, like in a bank vault, does not feel good or right. I considered having it melted and made into something else, but that feels yucky somehow. I have considered returning it to him, but even mailing it or returning it through a third party is a form of contact with him, and I feel in some primal self-preservation way that I should not contact him again, and that even a self-contained one-off "returning your gift" mailing would be an emotional equivalent of pulling out an Ouija board in a horror movie.
I want to add that I don't have any of these issues around the other gifts that he gave me, including pieces of jewelry. And I have not had this issue with gifts from previous relationship. When I separated from my ex-husband, I gave away the jewelry he had given me, and that felt good and "clean" to me. I think my paralysis around this piece of jewelry is because it was designed to represent the wish fulfillment of two people finding their way back to each other, time and again, until finally getting it right, and the necklace is a link to the mythology and "exceptional" nature of that feeling, that is now in the past for me, and it's like a portal I hesitate to close. To be clear there is no possibility of us reuniting yet again, that is not something that I wish or hope for on any level. It's more that "I won't experience that feeling again" thing. The necklace feels like the last link to that feeling, and what it was like to be in that emotional space.
Maybe the answer is, at some point in the future, once I process and grieve this relationship more than I have been able to do to date, the necklace will stop being charged for me, but it is a charged thing for me in the here and now, and I want to deal with it somehow in the here and now. I am wondering if there are solutions I have not considered of what to do with this necklace at this point in time. Can you think of something that has not occurred to me?
I started to write about how this isn't about the necklace, this is about how you are processing and grieving that relationships, but you know? I think that's not quite right.
The thing is, the necklace is a lie. It's a physical, concrete object with a symbol on it that represents something counterfactual. Not aspirational, not metaphorical. It represents something that was intended to exist, felt like it was supposed to exist, and doesn't exist. Destroying the object doesn't destroy the lie. Preserving the object doesn't make it true. Trying to put it physically away from you doesn't resolve the contradiction at all.
And right now, it sounds like you still *need* that lie on some level. The lie that it can all work out in the end, that relationship conflicts don't have to mean the relationship needs to be over, that there is no mistake bad enough that possibilites are foreclosed upon.
I get it, I really do. It's very hard to set that lie aside. Most people never do - most people never have to. Most people just gently stop believing it it, because they don't need it any more. But that lie is what explains what sounds like a very painful ongoing trauma, and if it's not true, then why did you have to go through that? That question is often, I think, the worst part of processing trauma.
I don't really know what you should do with the necklace. I actually don't think it matters that much. I think that when you're ready to set it aside, you will. Right now, it's too entwined with the stuff you're not yet done thinking about, and that's what you can't yet find a way to get rid of.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:46 AM on September 13, 2022 [25 favorites]
The thing is, the necklace is a lie. It's a physical, concrete object with a symbol on it that represents something counterfactual. Not aspirational, not metaphorical. It represents something that was intended to exist, felt like it was supposed to exist, and doesn't exist. Destroying the object doesn't destroy the lie. Preserving the object doesn't make it true. Trying to put it physically away from you doesn't resolve the contradiction at all.
And right now, it sounds like you still *need* that lie on some level. The lie that it can all work out in the end, that relationship conflicts don't have to mean the relationship needs to be over, that there is no mistake bad enough that possibilites are foreclosed upon.
I get it, I really do. It's very hard to set that lie aside. Most people never do - most people never have to. Most people just gently stop believing it it, because they don't need it any more. But that lie is what explains what sounds like a very painful ongoing trauma, and if it's not true, then why did you have to go through that? That question is often, I think, the worst part of processing trauma.
I don't really know what you should do with the necklace. I actually don't think it matters that much. I think that when you're ready to set it aside, you will. Right now, it's too entwined with the stuff you're not yet done thinking about, and that's what you can't yet find a way to get rid of.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:46 AM on September 13, 2022 [25 favorites]
I don’t know your story with this person but it sounds very toxic. I think your body knows that too which is why you don’t even want to touch this symbol of it.
I’m glad you’ve decided not to contact him any more, that shows strength on your part.
I would throw it into a deep body of water - even if I didn’t feel “ready”. You also didn’t feel ready to end the relationship so it kind of fits! Let it go and be washed clean of one more part of that experience. It harmed you.
It’s like you touched a hot pot and you’re still holding it. No need to hold onto the burning item any longer. If you force your hand to drop it, the burn can start healing.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:46 AM on September 13, 2022 [7 favorites]
I’m glad you’ve decided not to contact him any more, that shows strength on your part.
I would throw it into a deep body of water - even if I didn’t feel “ready”. You also didn’t feel ready to end the relationship so it kind of fits! Let it go and be washed clean of one more part of that experience. It harmed you.
It’s like you touched a hot pot and you’re still holding it. No need to hold onto the burning item any longer. If you force your hand to drop it, the burn can start healing.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:46 AM on September 13, 2022 [7 favorites]
On preview, I think restless_nomad has it, but my original thought was:
Sell it for its' weight in whatever material, and donate the money to a cause you believe in.
posted by Alterscape at 7:47 AM on September 13, 2022 [8 favorites]
Sell it for its' weight in whatever material, and donate the money to a cause you believe in.
posted by Alterscape at 7:47 AM on September 13, 2022 [8 favorites]
Have you tried talking to it? What does it have to say? Do you believe it?
What if you consciously update your belief system to something that holds both your lived experience with this necklace and your future potential?
posted by Questolicious at 7:55 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
What if you consciously update your belief system to something that holds both your lived experience with this necklace and your future potential?
posted by Questolicious at 7:55 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think that restless nomad has it. But just a thought...
Is it possible for you to disassemble it?
In a non violent, clinical way as if it is a puzzle that doesn't have any power over you? A problem you can solve?
Disassembling it might be more possible for you to do yourself than melting it. Get a couple of pliers and metal cutters. Take it apart.
Getting over your unwillingness to touch it by reducing it to its component parts might feel empowering.
Showing yourself that it's not a symbol, it's just a bunch of stuff.
posted by Zumbador at 7:58 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
Is it possible for you to disassemble it?
In a non violent, clinical way as if it is a puzzle that doesn't have any power over you? A problem you can solve?
Disassembling it might be more possible for you to do yourself than melting it. Get a couple of pliers and metal cutters. Take it apart.
Getting over your unwillingness to touch it by reducing it to its component parts might feel empowering.
Showing yourself that it's not a symbol, it's just a bunch of stuff.
posted by Zumbador at 7:58 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
I had a similarly weighted piece of jewelry, although it was off-the-shelf and not expensive, and what I did was to give it away to a charity drive. I have no idea if it was ever even found, considering all the sloppy steps between a box in a dorm hall and actual sales or donation. The important thing was that it was given without ceremony or history. It was just a thing. A person would like it because it was pretty, and they would be happy -- that's what I thought. It was free of the giver in a way I wouldn't be for years.
What I say is, sell it, give it as a gift, auction it for charity, anything to break it of what it is. Throwing it into water is fine, too, but it's a bit dramatic, especially if somebody sees you and they're like "hey you dropped something" and it gets awkward. If it has expensive stones or some other intrinsic worth, look into taking it to pieces and resetting some of it if you think you would like that. And if he asks you again about it, say: I sold it, fuck you. Or: I gave it to St. Vincent's, fuck you. (Or just think about it. We all enjoy a good daydream about yelling at someone we can't get at.)
posted by Countess Elena at 8:06 AM on September 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
What I say is, sell it, give it as a gift, auction it for charity, anything to break it of what it is. Throwing it into water is fine, too, but it's a bit dramatic, especially if somebody sees you and they're like "hey you dropped something" and it gets awkward. If it has expensive stones or some other intrinsic worth, look into taking it to pieces and resetting some of it if you think you would like that. And if he asks you again about it, say: I sold it, fuck you. Or: I gave it to St. Vincent's, fuck you. (Or just think about it. We all enjoy a good daydream about yelling at someone we can't get at.)
posted by Countess Elena at 8:06 AM on September 13, 2022 [6 favorites]
I relate very strongly to the difficulty of letting go of a relationship like this, though I'm fortunate not to have artifacts, and I'm not going to tell you that you have to. Do what you need to do when you can do it.
That said, you ARE going to have to do one of the things you mentioned not being able to do: keep it, destroy it, or give it away. There simply aren't other things that you can do with a physical object. If it's impossible to keep it, impossible to destroy it, and impossible to give it away, then the question becomes not "what do I do with it" but "how do I make at least one of these options, which are the only options, feel possible?"
You mentioned it being "charged," and I wonder therefore if there's a way to uncharge it, after which point it may be possible to either get rid of it or live with it neutrally. One thing that comes to mind is coming up with a new and more positive meaning for the pattern represented on the necklace. Is there anything else that shape reminds you of? Can you actively tell the jewelry and yourself that it represents something different now? It does not need to be present for this discussion if you're not ready to see or touch it.
I also personally get a lot out of leaning into magical thinking in specific and controlled situations, and I think it could really help here. I looked up some forum posts on how to un-charge or deactivate a sigil when you're performing magick or witchcraft, and here are some suggestions:
- Re-draw it in some other medium, stating aloud that you are using this as a vessel for the, let's be honest, curse on this damn object, then destroy the recreation
- Find some way of un-making or reversing its creation, either physically or symbolically—different from simple destruction because you're trying to work backwards through its creation (this would include the "charging" part where he told you its significance, so the suggestion above about re-inscribing the shape might be step one)
- Create another charged/powerful symbol to counter or ward against it
Your brain is already Doing Some Shit to you in terms of imbuing this object with mythic significance—leaning into the magical thinking is a way of using your opponent's strength against them. (Your opponent is your brain here, sorry to say.)
posted by babelfish at 8:12 AM on September 13, 2022 [8 favorites]
That said, you ARE going to have to do one of the things you mentioned not being able to do: keep it, destroy it, or give it away. There simply aren't other things that you can do with a physical object. If it's impossible to keep it, impossible to destroy it, and impossible to give it away, then the question becomes not "what do I do with it" but "how do I make at least one of these options, which are the only options, feel possible?"
You mentioned it being "charged," and I wonder therefore if there's a way to uncharge it, after which point it may be possible to either get rid of it or live with it neutrally. One thing that comes to mind is coming up with a new and more positive meaning for the pattern represented on the necklace. Is there anything else that shape reminds you of? Can you actively tell the jewelry and yourself that it represents something different now? It does not need to be present for this discussion if you're not ready to see or touch it.
I also personally get a lot out of leaning into magical thinking in specific and controlled situations, and I think it could really help here. I looked up some forum posts on how to un-charge or deactivate a sigil when you're performing magick or witchcraft, and here are some suggestions:
- Re-draw it in some other medium, stating aloud that you are using this as a vessel for the, let's be honest, curse on this damn object, then destroy the recreation
- Find some way of un-making or reversing its creation, either physically or symbolically—different from simple destruction because you're trying to work backwards through its creation (this would include the "charging" part where he told you its significance, so the suggestion above about re-inscribing the shape might be step one)
- Create another charged/powerful symbol to counter or ward against it
Your brain is already Doing Some Shit to you in terms of imbuing this object with mythic significance—leaning into the magical thinking is a way of using your opponent's strength against them. (Your opponent is your brain here, sorry to say.)
posted by babelfish at 8:12 AM on September 13, 2022 [8 favorites]
Cut it into pieces, try a heavy pair of scissors, or metal cutters. You will get some satisfaction from the physical act of doing this. Then take the pieces and throw them into a fire- fireplace, woodstove, campfire, whatever you have access to. Gone, done, and not lurking at the bottom of the lake.
posted by mareli at 8:19 AM on September 13, 2022
posted by mareli at 8:19 AM on September 13, 2022
I would talk to a jeweler and commission a new piece to be made from it, that reflects who you are now. Perhaps the pieces can be reused as is, or maybe you need to consider the possibility of melting the metal.
But think about how melting it down and reforming it into something real and true and all yours should permanently break that connection to the past and to him.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:21 AM on September 13, 2022 [12 favorites]
But think about how melting it down and reforming it into something real and true and all yours should permanently break that connection to the past and to him.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:21 AM on September 13, 2022 [12 favorites]
so many good ideas above. Selling it/donating the proceeds, or just donating it gets the object out of your possession in a positive way.
I know you said recasting it didn't feel right somehow, but I would 100% go to a jeweler (like, a real human skilled in the art; probably not the Zales or whatever in the strip mall) and ask them to melt it down and make something good. If they're really a real person, maybe they'll let you help. Especially the "setting this thing on fire" part of the process. Then make a shield. Make a two-headed coin. Make a tiny gargoyle to protect you, make a sword.
Failing that, nthing the "crack it into a million pieces and drop them into the deepest water you can find. That could also be very good.
posted by adekllny at 8:26 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
I know you said recasting it didn't feel right somehow, but I would 100% go to a jeweler (like, a real human skilled in the art; probably not the Zales or whatever in the strip mall) and ask them to melt it down and make something good. If they're really a real person, maybe they'll let you help. Especially the "setting this thing on fire" part of the process. Then make a shield. Make a two-headed coin. Make a tiny gargoyle to protect you, make a sword.
Failing that, nthing the "crack it into a million pieces and drop them into the deepest water you can find. That could also be very good.
posted by adekllny at 8:26 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
If there are gems or materials in the piece that are of objective value, sell it to a dealer who will buy it as scrap, and donate the money to charity.
I understand the urge to throw it in the sea or some other dramatic gesture, but if it has objective value, at least donating the funds will do some good.
posted by zadcat at 8:28 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
I understand the urge to throw it in the sea or some other dramatic gesture, but if it has objective value, at least donating the funds will do some good.
posted by zadcat at 8:28 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would put it in a time capsule and bury it. Maybe even encase it in resin before putting it in the time capsule. The fact that you do not feel good about doing anything to it now probably means your not ready to totally get rid of it. Give yourself some time to figure it out, but get the bad vibes out of your place and into hibernation.
posted by jraz at 8:40 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by jraz at 8:40 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
On the lower-key end of symbolic gestures, at least get it out of your jewelry box. I’d wrap it in a fabric that feels right to you (heavy velvet?) and put it in a box. You could bury it if you have a good place for that, maybe plant something on top of it. This calls for some kind of ritual, the most important thing is that it makes sense to you.
posted by momus_window at 8:44 AM on September 13, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by momus_window at 8:44 AM on September 13, 2022 [4 favorites]
I vote for the option to have it augmented. Maybe not now, but make plans for how to augment it now. Commission an addition to it. An accretion. It's your past, but it can also be your present, or represent your future. Another layer that builds on memories of a difficult past is a strong metaphor for even our difficult pasts serving as the foundational pillars of experience that we build on as we continue to live and grow. I've kept my wedding ring for that very purpose. I don't want to get rid of something that is in every photograph of me (including mental ones) for a quarter of my life. It's just a bit of steel, but I wore it so long, and with such pride, that it changed the structure of my hand (although a year or so later I wasn't able to tell that it had been there). I thought about throwing it into the bay, smashing it with a hammer and burying it, giving it to a stranger... none of that felt right. What felt very right, though, was packing it out of sight, safely and soundly as if in a time capsule, for a time when I may revisit it.
But not all past artifacts have the value of precious metals. Those are the objects that can feel transformed by parting with.
My ex-husband bought me my very first suit. He was a professional and I was just getting my career started. He was in industry, and I was in the non-profit sector. I mentioend to him more than a few times, apparently, that I felt subconscious about always being the schlub when out in the world as my career self. And so, on my birthday the year after we moved in together, he walked me into a Nieman Marcus--I had never heard of Nieman Marcus--and said let's just try on fancy suits for the hell of it. I enjoyed it, and was happy thinking that this was his way of helping me understand things like fit and style so that I could be on the lookout for second hand suits that I would like to wear. But at the end, a man came out and started measuring me. I asked him what for, and he pointed to my ex and said, because he told us you were coming in today to find a suit that you like.
When I finally accepted that I couldn't afford the house we'd lived in on my own, when I finally broke no contact with him to tell them that I'd be vacating and he could come back and sell the place, I left the suit—long since worn out but loaded with meaning and kept for years as a treasured memento—hanging in the closet.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:54 AM on September 13, 2022 [9 favorites]
But not all past artifacts have the value of precious metals. Those are the objects that can feel transformed by parting with.
My ex-husband bought me my very first suit. He was a professional and I was just getting my career started. He was in industry, and I was in the non-profit sector. I mentioend to him more than a few times, apparently, that I felt subconscious about always being the schlub when out in the world as my career self. And so, on my birthday the year after we moved in together, he walked me into a Nieman Marcus--I had never heard of Nieman Marcus--and said let's just try on fancy suits for the hell of it. I enjoyed it, and was happy thinking that this was his way of helping me understand things like fit and style so that I could be on the lookout for second hand suits that I would like to wear. But at the end, a man came out and started measuring me. I asked him what for, and he pointed to my ex and said, because he told us you were coming in today to find a suit that you like.
When I finally accepted that I couldn't afford the house we'd lived in on my own, when I finally broke no contact with him to tell them that I'd be vacating and he could come back and sell the place, I left the suit—long since worn out but loaded with meaning and kept for years as a treasured memento—hanging in the closet.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:54 AM on September 13, 2022 [9 favorites]
Is there a place that you have other things that you need to further process, go through, organize, etc.? Some boxes from a prior move? A place where you are accumulating things to donate or get rid of?
You could "pack" the necklace and put it with those things, for now.
posted by bruinfan at 8:58 AM on September 13, 2022
You could "pack" the necklace and put it with those things, for now.
posted by bruinfan at 8:58 AM on September 13, 2022
These are both extremely woo suggestions but:
I would plant it. This is the perfect time to plant bulbs, maybe dig a hole, put in the necklace and then put in some really beautiful bulbs that can bloom in the spring time. Ritualize this as much as possible. Thank the earth for taking care of this object for you, think about how in millennia this may be found again and loved and cherished, or it may slowly rust, disolve, give itself back to the earth.
If you really can't part with it yet, I would use smoke or fire to purify it of some of it's current spirit. incense sticks could work well for this. Then wrap it in a piece of cloth with some black tourmaline or obsidian to absorb all the residual bad feelings from it. Over time it will become "just a necklace" and then you can dispose of it as you like.
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 8:58 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
I would plant it. This is the perfect time to plant bulbs, maybe dig a hole, put in the necklace and then put in some really beautiful bulbs that can bloom in the spring time. Ritualize this as much as possible. Thank the earth for taking care of this object for you, think about how in millennia this may be found again and loved and cherished, or it may slowly rust, disolve, give itself back to the earth.
If you really can't part with it yet, I would use smoke or fire to purify it of some of it's current spirit. incense sticks could work well for this. Then wrap it in a piece of cloth with some black tourmaline or obsidian to absorb all the residual bad feelings from it. Over time it will become "just a necklace" and then you can dispose of it as you like.
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 8:58 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
Put it in a tupperware full of water and freeze it. Ice that fucker out. Put him and his manipulative ways into the deep freeze. Recognize that he’s trying to tangle you up in a narrative you can’t control and say no. The relationship falling apart six months after such a symbolic piece of jewelry feels so incredibly predictable to this sort of man who wants to make sure to plant the seed that you are always coming back. So kill that seed. This symbol of y’all tangled up with each other feels so charged because it was meant to. And it’s time for you to put it somewhere you won’t see it and pull that charge out of it.
posted by Bottlecap at 8:58 AM on September 13, 2022 [17 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 8:58 AM on September 13, 2022 [17 favorites]
I was in a toxic relationship when I was young as well, but thankfully it ended in my early 20s. The guy gave me a t-shirt that I loved -- one of his parents had gone to the same stupid state college as me, and it was from their era, and just amazing and vintage and one-of-a-kind -- and when we split up, I gave that shirt to the Goodwill. Sometimes I wish I still had it but I think for my mental health the best thing was to just give it away to someone who would think "Hey, cool shirt!" and be able to form new memories with it.
posted by jabes at 9:02 AM on September 13, 2022
posted by jabes at 9:02 AM on September 13, 2022
The jewelry is symbolic, so listen to your feelings. Of course they're unresolved, and it will take time to move beyond the intensity. You aren't ready to really let go, and that's okay, it takes time. The jewelry now holds extra weight, and I agree that some sort of ritual could be helpful. You can get holy water from a Catholic Church, or put out water during a full moon, and use that water to cleanse the object. Discard the water at a tree that you deem strong, that can take on the hurt. Wrap the object in herbs, then in a beautiful scarf. You can put it in a small purse or box. Ask a friend to be the guardian of the object until you have better clarity. If your friend has freezer space for it, that idea is excellent. Planting is is another fine idea, symbolizing burying the dead relationship.
The power of ritual is that is helps us formalize .. something. I don't believe that moon water has any particular strength except that the ritual takes our effort, focus and intention, things that do have power to us. My house had a wildly toxic owner at one time, and I did cleansing rituals to reduce how skeevy it felt when i found out.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing such trauma; I hope you have lots of support and love to help you through it.
posted by theora55 at 9:07 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
The power of ritual is that is helps us formalize .. something. I don't believe that moon water has any particular strength except that the ritual takes our effort, focus and intention, things that do have power to us. My house had a wildly toxic owner at one time, and I did cleansing rituals to reduce how skeevy it felt when i found out.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing such trauma; I hope you have lots of support and love to help you through it.
posted by theora55 at 9:07 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
You could try to use it to actually help you process instead of weighing on you. One way I could imagine doing that is updating it so that it reflects reality instead of the counterfactual symbol it is now. Perhaps one can modify it to not end in two lines converging, but in two lines diverging or parallel such that they never meet again. Though this may be more investment than melting it down, it sounds like it might be more appropriate symbolically as it doesn't make the past disappear but it represents the present and future more accurately, thus perhaps it'll not only bother you less but support your processing by serving as a visible and touchable reminder that the past happened, the story is preserved, and the trajectory of the lines is set to not converge again.
posted by meijusa at 9:30 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by meijusa at 9:30 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
To me it would be important that the shape - those converging lines - does not persist. That's why it would feel wrong to me to gift it to someone or to give it away. I would recommend having it melted into a little blob and then giving it back into the Earth in some kind of burial ceremony. What I would also like to imagine is that this little blob, in a few billion years when the Sun finally explodes, will be scattered through the universe with the rest of our planet and become part of a new star or planet eventually.
posted by CompanionCube at 9:31 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by CompanionCube at 9:31 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
Right now nothing feels right. In a way, that gives you the freedom to wait and see. You’re not prolonging your suffering by not making a choice because you foresee suffering in any choice. That’s understandable given the magnitude of your loss. It won’t be this way forever. If I were you, I’d think about some kind of metaphorical faraday cage/containment field/bell jar that will allow you to share space with this necklace until you have a better idea of what you want to do with it long term. So, that might be a container you purchase or make, or you could ask someone important to you to give you a container. If it were me, I might get a simple wood urn intended to hold cremated remains.
posted by theotherdurassister at 9:44 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by theotherdurassister at 9:44 AM on September 13, 2022 [3 favorites]
Personally, I love the idea of making something new out of it--melting away the past and shaping what you want for yourself in your own future. You will always have your experiences but you are not forced to relive those experiences.
However, the little practical voice in my head tells me that you should sell it and pocket the cash.
posted by kingdead at 9:46 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
However, the little practical voice in my head tells me that you should sell it and pocket the cash.
posted by kingdead at 9:46 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
When I had some jewellery that had deep significance to me but became too painful to keep and too painful to throw/give away (also due to a break up), the way I removed it from my life was that I composed a piece of writing saying farewell to the relationship, then recited it as I let the jewellery drop into the sea from the end of a pier.
posted by Balthamos at 9:58 AM on September 13, 2022
posted by Balthamos at 9:58 AM on September 13, 2022
I hollowed out a meaningful book as a final resting place for a similarly symbolic item. It's part of a story I won't re-read, focused on a character who won't re-enter my saga, but having that book on my shelf for many years afterward verified that he had been a defining chapter in my life and that the covers had closed over it.
posted by picopebbles at 10:10 AM on September 13, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by picopebbles at 10:10 AM on September 13, 2022 [4 favorites]
Melt it down, remove any stones and recommission a new piece that you design for yourself.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:20 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 10:20 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
I like XtineHutch's suggestion of a funeral or some kind of ritual to part with the item. I completely empathize with you and would be in the same boat if a certain person from my past had given something like that to me.
With that in mind, could you take it to a body of water near a meaningful place where you spent time with this person and gift it to water, Titanic/Heart of the Ocean style?
I know you don't want to part with it. That's the problem. I read your entire question and I don't think this necklace serves you anymore, it's just complicating the getting over him process.
posted by Juniper Toast at 10:21 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
With that in mind, could you take it to a body of water near a meaningful place where you spent time with this person and gift it to water, Titanic/Heart of the Ocean style?
I know you don't want to part with it. That's the problem. I read your entire question and I don't think this necklace serves you anymore, it's just complicating the getting over him process.
posted by Juniper Toast at 10:21 AM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
Loan it to a good friend for, say, a year. "Friend, I want you to keep this for me. You can do what you want with it, wear it, store it, whatever. But return it to me a year from today, or sooner if I ask for it."
In a year it will have lost lots of the charge that it had and will not be a lot more ordinary. It will be something that has been with someone else unconnected from the history of the physical thing.
I've been the friend in this situation. In the end I was asked to bury it however I saw fit (I chucked it in the ocean). After the year they didn't need or want it back.
posted by Ookseer at 10:44 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
In a year it will have lost lots of the charge that it had and will not be a lot more ordinary. It will be something that has been with someone else unconnected from the history of the physical thing.
I've been the friend in this situation. In the end I was asked to bury it however I saw fit (I chucked it in the ocean). After the year they didn't need or want it back.
posted by Ookseer at 10:44 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
You said it kind of had a meandering path in the design. Could you change it at all to show that your paths split?
posted by raccoon409 at 11:07 AM on September 13, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by raccoon409 at 11:07 AM on September 13, 2022 [5 favorites]
This is a time capsule.
Get it out of your jewelry box: it's not for wearing. But put it somewhere closed - even if just in a sealed envelope - in a seldom used drawer, or a folder in the back of your file cabinet, somewhere like that. Keep it, as testament to the power of healing that time will give you. You can even mark the envelope with a date in the future, in the faith that by that time, the bitterness of all of this will have faded and it won't be important anymore. Just a trinket.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:16 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
Get it out of your jewelry box: it's not for wearing. But put it somewhere closed - even if just in a sealed envelope - in a seldom used drawer, or a folder in the back of your file cabinet, somewhere like that. Keep it, as testament to the power of healing that time will give you. You can even mark the envelope with a date in the future, in the faith that by that time, the bitterness of all of this will have faded and it won't be important anymore. Just a trinket.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:16 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
My friend group has, over the years, done burn circles at New Year's for items and paperwork we wanted to dispose of symbolically. Whether you end up destroying the piece or using the components of it to make a new piece, a ritual with friends who are doing the same thing at a time that makes sense to you can help with the feelings part of the equation.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 11:30 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by gentlyepigrams at 11:30 AM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
Since the jewelry represents this painfully unfulfilled dream, and you are still not at peace with the experience that spawned it, it makes sense that you are having trouble processing what to do with the necklace.
If you need time you have to give yourself time. I would put it in a box and bury it carefully, plant something over it, with the idea that it will wait there until your process has moved forward enough to let go of it (or live with it) some other way.
posted by hungrytiger at 12:12 PM on September 13, 2022
If you need time you have to give yourself time. I would put it in a box and bury it carefully, plant something over it, with the idea that it will wait there until your process has moved forward enough to let go of it (or live with it) some other way.
posted by hungrytiger at 12:12 PM on September 13, 2022
Donate it, whatever, anything that means you rapidly have no idea where it is and no chance of seeing it again. Your feelings will catch up eventually, all the faster for not having a physical reminder in front of you.
posted by breakfast burrito at 12:45 PM on September 13, 2022
posted by breakfast burrito at 12:45 PM on September 13, 2022
I just noticed the very interesting word you used “poisoned.”
How would you safely store poison in your home? A locked cabinet under the sink? Maybe treat it like the poison it is.
posted by Bottlecap at 1:49 PM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
How would you safely store poison in your home? A locked cabinet under the sink? Maybe treat it like the poison it is.
posted by Bottlecap at 1:49 PM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
If you know the jeweller, see if they know another client who would like to trade a piece with you. Or see if the jeweller will trade a piece with you.
posted by Oyéah at 2:08 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Oyéah at 2:08 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm with raccoon409. Modify it to remove the lie and reflect reality. Cut off the convergence, or split it apart. Hold on to that new version for a moment, and see how you feel about it then. Maybe you're okay letting it go at that point. Maybe you want to hold it as a now-accurate memento of that time. Maybe further modifications feel alright then.
posted by whatnotever at 2:51 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by whatnotever at 2:51 PM on September 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
The hardest part of break-ups is often adjusting to a different future. This necklace literally and symbolically represents that future -- something that never happened, but that you believed in so profoundly.
My suggestion is to ask a friend to store it and not to give it back to you until you don't care about it anymore, til you've forgotten about it. Only when you don't care will you know what to do.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:19 PM on September 13, 2022
My suggestion is to ask a friend to store it and not to give it back to you until you don't care about it anymore, til you've forgotten about it. Only when you don't care will you know what to do.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:19 PM on September 13, 2022
To me your feelings say, I need to hold onto this until I know what it means, or until it doesn't mean anything any more. Until the processing is done. But in that time I need to lock it somewhere safe.
So: put it in a locked box in a drawer of mementos. Under the medicine cabinet. In a sealed bag in a small box, inside a larger box full of good clean dirt, or with a sprinkling of salt, or whatever reads as purifying to you. Somewhere you can forget about it a while, but don't have to act right now.
posted by Lady Li at 6:21 PM on September 13, 2022
So: put it in a locked box in a drawer of mementos. Under the medicine cabinet. In a sealed bag in a small box, inside a larger box full of good clean dirt, or with a sprinkling of salt, or whatever reads as purifying to you. Somewhere you can forget about it a while, but don't have to act right now.
posted by Lady Li at 6:21 PM on September 13, 2022
Take the necklace with you to the sea and have a long talk with Aphrodite. Let her give you advice on what to do. You may decide that ritually sacrificing the necklace to her will give you a kind of closure that you haven't gotten in other ways. Or you may not.
posted by heatherlogan at 6:41 PM on September 13, 2022
posted by heatherlogan at 6:41 PM on September 13, 2022
I agree with restless nomad, and second their advice entirely.
But as another route, since you mentioned that the piece was designed and commissioned specially, it might be something that the artist who made it would be happy to take back as a piece they can display or add to their portfolio, to demonstrate what they can do. That way the myth behind the design turns back into art - it’s not a weighted talisman of your relationship, it’s an art piece representing a story. If they resell it or melt it down, you’ll never have to know.
posted by Mchelly at 7:07 PM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
But as another route, since you mentioned that the piece was designed and commissioned specially, it might be something that the artist who made it would be happy to take back as a piece they can display or add to their portfolio, to demonstrate what they can do. That way the myth behind the design turns back into art - it’s not a weighted talisman of your relationship, it’s an art piece representing a story. If they resell it or melt it down, you’ll never have to know.
posted by Mchelly at 7:07 PM on September 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
I had a box of things from a really difficult time in my life. It sat in my storage locker with other stuff for years. It took a long time for me to let go of that future fully. Eventually, I did a full konmari de clutter, and that was my final step- 12 years later. I vote keep it tucked away where you don’t see it all the time, and give it up when it feels right. I think I’d id thrown out that box earlier, I wouldn’t have been ready.
posted by Valancy Rachel at 8:12 PM on September 13, 2022
posted by Valancy Rachel at 8:12 PM on September 13, 2022
What do you think of the idea of rewriting the story that it tells?
You know what it was supposedly meant to say when it came into your life, but images and symbols can tell completely different stories, depending on the person telling the story.
Could it mean (also, or instead, whichever feels more true to you) something about the way you (one line) and an important piece of your life (a creative endeavor, or your relationship with your family, or something) have converged and diverged? Could it be that one line is a coping mechanism you once really needed, and the other line is you, bringing it close and then letting it go? Could it have nothing to do with converging and diverging, but show instead the curve of a wave on a beach or the shape of a branch twisting to seek light in a changed landscape?
It might be able to tell a completely different story, one that honors you and shows your strength and your light - one that you alone can tell.
posted by kristi at 8:28 PM on September 13, 2022
You know what it was supposedly meant to say when it came into your life, but images and symbols can tell completely different stories, depending on the person telling the story.
Could it mean (also, or instead, whichever feels more true to you) something about the way you (one line) and an important piece of your life (a creative endeavor, or your relationship with your family, or something) have converged and diverged? Could it be that one line is a coping mechanism you once really needed, and the other line is you, bringing it close and then letting it go? Could it have nothing to do with converging and diverging, but show instead the curve of a wave on a beach or the shape of a branch twisting to seek light in a changed landscape?
It might be able to tell a completely different story, one that honors you and shows your strength and your light - one that you alone can tell.
posted by kristi at 8:28 PM on September 13, 2022
Do you have somewhere you could bury it? Wrap it in whatever protection feels good and give it to the earth to hold for you until you feel ready to do something else with it?
posted by spindrifter at 10:31 AM on September 14, 2022
posted by spindrifter at 10:31 AM on September 14, 2022
Reset the piece, the jeweler can take the components of the piece and design you something new using them. Just like you the piece went through some changes and has come out the other side transformed. Wear the new piece to mark the transformation that you and the jewelry went through together. You don't need to find your other half, you are complete and whole as you are, deign a piece that makes you feel that, that out of the broken pieces you made something strong. Pick a design that represents that. Or just sell it for what it's worth to a pawn shop and go buy something new and meaningful for you where you are now with the money, or donate the money
r get drunk or throw a party.
posted by wwax at 8:36 PM on September 20, 2022
r get drunk or throw a party.
posted by wwax at 8:36 PM on September 20, 2022
If it were me, I would visit the ocean or a lake with the jewelry. I'd mentally or verbally tell myself why I am no longer with this person, what I've learned as a result, and why I am far better off now. Then I would huck that thing into the deep blue sea and walk away at peace.
posted by summerstorm at 6:00 PM on October 9, 2022
posted by summerstorm at 6:00 PM on October 9, 2022
This is just me, but I wouldn’t be able to keep such a necklace. I wouldn’t even be able to repurpose the metal or stones into something else. It would still remind me of the person who originally gave it to me.
You might consider trading or selling it for a piece that is entirely yours, from you to you. The new piece might even represent a promise you’ve made to yourself.
Wishing you peace and good health.
posted by Joule at 10:00 AM on January 7, 2023
You might consider trading or selling it for a piece that is entirely yours, from you to you. The new piece might even represent a promise you’ve made to yourself.
Wishing you peace and good health.
posted by Joule at 10:00 AM on January 7, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by XtineHutch at 7:42 AM on September 13, 2022 [5 favorites]