Excuse me, [term of respect], you dropped your umbrella!

August 24, 2022 6:11 AM

In a professional context, I interact with nonbinary people sometimes whose name I may not know despite knowing their gender. (It's a rare situation, but it happens.) A colleague and I were realizing that we didn't know how to approach a particular situation in this context: when for male or female presenting persons one would use sir or ma'am, what word can one use for a nonbinary person?
posted by ocherdraco to Human Relations (46 answers total)

"Friend," maybe?
posted by mskyle at 6:14 AM on August 24, 2022 [17 favorites]

Here in the UK most people avoid addressing the person with a term of respect, even if their gender is known. So everyone gets, "excuse me, you dropped your umbrella!" Eye-contact and/or arm-waving does an adequate job of making sure the right person gets the message.
posted by guessthis at 6:17 AM on August 24, 2022 [61 favorites]

I am nonbinary! Please do not use anything unless we already know eachother, just saying hello or excuse me to get my attention will do.
posted by yueliang at 6:18 AM on August 24, 2022 [27 favorites]

Sir and ma'am are usually not required words. "Excuse me ma'am" has the same meaning as "excuse me." So you can just use no word instead.
posted by twelve cent archie at 6:19 AM on August 24, 2022 [15 favorites]

"Friend" does get used enough that it'd attract my attention the same way ma'am/sir is supposed to, and coming from someone who knows about my lack of gender, I'd recognize it as a specific acknowledgement of that. It is rather casual enough, as are most other terms that folks often go for (human, comrade, etc.). I agree that avoiding saying anything in that slot is fine, and that is my preference overall since it helps shift the expectation away from gendered language.
posted by teremala at 6:24 AM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

How about "please" -- as in, "Excuse me, please, but you seem to have dropped something."
posted by wenestvedt at 6:29 AM on August 24, 2022 [27 favorites]

Miss Manners just answered this question. She said to use "Excuse me" by itself.
posted by FencingGal at 6:31 AM on August 24, 2022 [14 favorites]

In crowded conditions, people typically don't think "Excuse me" is directed to them, so I say something like, "Excuse me, you, in the blue sweater."
posted by Peach at 6:38 AM on August 24, 2022 [21 favorites]

Here in the UK...

In Australia the use of such titles often creeps people out. (Personally, someone calling me "sir" weirds me out and makes me not trust them. There's a new person at the local supermarket who does it to me and it makes my skin crawl.)

I do understand that this is not generally the case in the US, but this situation seems another reason to just drop the words altogether. I mean: you've still expressed the required information about the umbrella - why sound like you're about to try to sell them something, or feel some other reason to be obsequious?
posted by pompomtom at 6:42 AM on August 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

Can you give examples of what you might be saying using ma’am/sir so people can better give alternatives? There isn’t a good one-size-fits-all option for every circumstance.
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:46 AM on August 24, 2022

I am assigned female, have a masculine presentation, and truly don't have a preference about what pronouns people use for me, however, getting called Ma'am (or when out with women, being addressed as 'ladies'), does ring a bit weird for who I am and how I move through the world. Like, it's doesnt feel hurtful but it does seem innacurate in a different way than just she pronouns which are like, whatever for me. On the other end, strangers often assume I'm a man on first glance, call me Sir, then they hear my voice or see my face and get all flustered and apologetic when their perception switches to female. I don't care if I get called sir but their discomfort can be awkward.

All this is to say Sir and Ma'am specifically are a bit fraught. I end up using 'friend' or just saying a forceful, Excuse Me.
posted by latkes at 6:52 AM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

I do “look” like my gender would be female (and for public purposes that’s fine) but being called “ma’am” or worse “ladies” annoys me to the bone. Glad you’re asking this question! I think “ma’am” and “sir” are icky and should be abolished. Treat everyone with respect and then we don’t need these terms that elevate one person above others.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:55 AM on August 24, 2022 [4 favorites]

Here in the UK everyone's your "mate", even when they're a stranger or if you know their name. Sometimes "Pal" but I always feel this carries a slightly threatening undertone though.
posted by eastboundanddown at 7:03 AM on August 24, 2022 [6 favorites]

"Hey there, you dropped your umbrella."
"Excuse me, here's your umbrella."
"Hi, is this your umbrella?"
posted by nkknkk at 7:04 AM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

why sound like you're about to try to sell them something, or feel some other reason to be obsequious?

There are regions of the US where people expect to be called Sir/Ma'am because of their age. There are generations of people raised in these regions who had Yes, sir/Yes, Ma'am drilled into their brains as the only polite way to answer older people. I have witnessed my middle-aged friends be corrected by their parents for not using Sir/Ma'am. I have been corrected by customers when working retail waybackwhen. So I feel OP's dilemma.

Unless I know the person, I've dropped Sir/Ma'am altogether. I'd rather take the correction than misgender someone.

"Excuse me, you've dropped your umbrella - here it is!"
posted by kimberussell at 7:07 AM on August 24, 2022 [17 favorites]

I grew up in a military family and my instinct is to sir/ma'am everybody. Years of customer service have taught me that a lot of people really dislike these terms, so now I try to avoid them. It is hard! But I think "nothing" is the correct answer here.

In my experience, I get far fewer complaints about not using sir/ma'am than I do about using them.
posted by the primroses were over at 7:13 AM on August 24, 2022 [7 favorites]

I've started using more body language to express politeness, including BIG smiles, and "please" hands 🙏
posted by rebent at 7:18 AM on August 24, 2022

"Pardon me, citizen..." works, but only if you are in Gotham City. And you are Batman.

Honestly, the only thing that sounds natural (to my American ear) is to omit [term of respect] altogether. The UK "mate" seems like a great non-gendered substitute, but sounds out-of-place in the US, I think. (Which is a shame, I wish we had a commonly used term like that here in the USA!)
posted by fikri at 7:20 AM on August 24, 2022 [6 favorites]

I randomly read some kind of pop psych article some years ago that mentioned that the purpose of the "sir/ma'am" in that scenario is to signify that the "excuse me" is a call for attention/response rather than a pardon. "Excuse me, hello, you dropped your umbrella" will also work because "hello" sort of activates the brain that a message is incoming. Probably something like "watch out" or "hang on" would also make the brain tune in.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:22 AM on August 24, 2022 [24 favorites]

I sometimes say something like, "Hey there! Fellow human!" or "Hey, pardon me, fellow human". It works for me, but I'm not trying too hard to pass as normal.
posted by amtho at 7:22 AM on August 24, 2022 [7 favorites]

This is, honestly, something English really does need a word for right now. I think I'd go with something like "excuse me, person in the green sweater" if they dropped something. In more informal situations (like in a service industry job in the American South) I see a lot of servers/baristas just calling everyone hon/darlin' regardless of gender presentation, but that doesn't really fly in the office, though maybe it does in a salon or somewhere like that. Another option is to introduce yourself right away and then call them by name.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 7:23 AM on August 24, 2022

I appreciate the comment up-thread that the "sir" or "ma'am" functions as a sign that you're not just saying "excuse me" because you bumped into someone or need to push past them, but are initiating an interaction.

To my ear (Midwestern US white person) "Pardon me" has a connotation of "please give me your attention" that is absent, or not as strong, in "Excuse me," so going forward, I think I'll be attentive to using that when I'm trying to tell someone they dropped their umbrella or their train ticket, versus "excuse me" or "sorry!" when I think I might have stepped on their toes and just want to make that acknowledgement.

Perhaps also phrasing the follow-up to "Pardon me" as a question. "Pardon me, is this your umbrella?" would also signal that.
posted by Well I never at 7:37 AM on August 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

‘Comrade’
posted by Phanx at 7:38 AM on August 24, 2022 [6 favorites]

I sit corrected. "Comrade" is the correct answer.
posted by pompomtom at 7:40 AM on August 24, 2022 [11 favorites]

Buddy. Pal. Your Grace.
posted by jordemort at 7:45 AM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

Avoid the terms whenever possible, replace with "comrade" and/or "excuse me" if you can, and if absolutely necessary, yeah, something identifying - "the person in the blue jacket" or whatever, in a crowd. I'd recommend all of this regardless of gender, honestly. As a cisgender woman I'd be delighted to never be called "ma'am" or "miss" again.
posted by Stacey at 8:09 AM on August 24, 2022 [5 favorites]

There are places in the the U.S. where "boss" is sometimes used and where I live in Mexico the equivalent (“jefe") is definitely a thing.

It is less formal than Sir/Ma’am though.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:11 AM on August 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

As a person who for various reasons* might take a moment to register an unexpected voice and properly attend to it, I am not likely to hear you at all until you get to "friend" or "hello" or "person in the green sweater" at the earliest.

If you just say "excuse me you dropped your..." I'm going to hear "umbrella" as your first rather than your last word and keep walking.

I mean, I did just leave my umbrella behind so there's a good chance my mind is elsewhere.

*Age, hearing, cognition, stress level, daydream-to-mindfulness ratio, loud inner monologue...
posted by headnsouth at 9:12 AM on August 24, 2022 [8 favorites]

Oh, I also use [my gender-neutral version of] 'dude' for this.
posted by amtho at 9:34 AM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

For someone who is sometimes the subject of this: it depends. I think not using a term of address is usually best, “The person in the green shirt” is fine in cases of confusion, “friend” is all right (I use it a lot when teaching young folks) but highly context-dependent.

Comrade/your grace/most other gender-neutral forms of address usually read as mockery and accomplish the opposite of the intent, which is to *attract* the attention of one individual without *drawing* the attention of too many other people.

(In the last 10 years I have noticed a sharp decrease in “sir/ma’am/um”s; I think where I am, the tendency is to not use any form of address and especially if the speaker is not positive who is standing in front of them.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:36 AM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

"homie"
posted by potrzebie at 9:42 AM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

YO. Is this your umbrella?
posted by wenestvedt at 9:58 AM on August 24, 2022 [6 favorites]

I know people who are able to pull off "boss" and not have it come across weird. I am not one of those people.
posted by clawsoon at 10:29 AM on August 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

“Hey there!”, or because I’m a New Yorker “Hey, You!”. Basically just yell loudly enough if you’re trying to get their attention, and if they’re right beside you, a simple “Hey” will suffice.
posted by Champagne Supernova at 10:51 AM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

I tried dropping the identifier, but then people didn't know I was talking to them. People tune out. So I have since added things like "you in the grey shirt" and people seem to answer to that. I agree we need a gender neutral term. Friend doesn't always work because sometimes the person is a risk. I do use "friend" as much as I can, though.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 11:31 AM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

Here in the UK everyone's your "mate", even when they're a stranger or if you know their name.

The UK "mate" seems like a great non-gendered substitute, but sounds out-of-place in the US, I think.

In the UK, you also have to have the kind of accent that lends itself to an informal tone. As the speaker it's coded at least one of male, working class or young. A middle aged woman probably is more likely to use 'love', 'duck', 'bab' or other similar (sometimes regionally specific) term.

If you're being very proper, then just saying 'excuse me' with a reference to a distinct item of clothing (person in the yellow tights) is probably for the best.
posted by plonkee at 12:57 PM on August 24, 2022

Here in the UK everyone's your "mate", even when they're a stranger or if you know their name

Yes and no - I’d say “mate” for a man but definitely “love” for a woman. And it’s definitely area-specific - my mum (from Yorkshire) would never call anyone “mate”, and I doubt Jacob Rees-Mogg has ever said the word mate in his life (too déclassé).
posted by tinkletown at 1:43 PM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

I've started addressing groups as "y'all" to get out of the habit of saying "you guys" but that's also as unnecessary as sir or m'am.
posted by bendy at 2:28 PM on August 24, 2022

If you want to go the Canadian route, there's always, "Excuse me, sorry, you dropped your umbrella."
posted by clawsoon at 3:30 PM on August 24, 2022 [5 favorites]

Fellow Traveler?
posted by hippybear at 5:07 PM on August 24, 2022

If you want to go the English version of the Canadian version, it's probably, "I'm sorry, you dropped your umbrella." I think we're sorry for interrupting your day with our presence, but we're sorry for most things, so who can say?

'Duck' is, or was, ungendered (people today hear it as cutesy-the-animal duck, but it was supposedly from 'my duke' and for a long time played in the middle.) 'Love', 'darling' and 'my lover' (yes, this is a thing) are not technically gendered, but may result in unexpected consequences.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 5:55 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

I always appreciate it when someone calls me "my friend". Especially if we only know eachother casually.
posted by Gor-ella at 11:35 AM on August 25, 2022

I mean, you can always New York as hard as possible and go for HEY! YOU!! YOU THERE! YEAH, HEY, YOU!!!!! while waving your hands in the general direction of their face until they look at you.

There was this woman who worked at the Sunoco by us - I went in there on foot with my baby/toddler/little kid for like five years, as a convenience store for coffee, ice cream, gum, water, rock salt, whatever. I thought for SURE she knew my name (she knew the kid's!). One day I left something behind (umbrella, maybe!) and she comes tearing out, and calls after me, "YO! Hey, YO!" in her awesome Philly accent. It made Rocky (his likeness approximately 0.2 miles away) proud.
posted by Pax at 6:19 PM on August 25, 2022 [3 favorites]

Been thinking about this. I live in Philadelphia and am a slightly androgynous older white woman who has lived a long time in a mixed neighborhood, and therefore am addressed by my black neighbors as "Miss [First Name]." My spouse is addressed as "Mr. [First Name]." I would not dream of correcting them because it is meant as a term of respect for age and means they know us. The black block captain around the corner is "Miss [First Name]" and she is the grandmother of many of the young people who call me "Miss." The single woman in her eighties who keeps to herself is also "Miss [First Name]" when spoken to. When the bank teller greeted me the other day as "Miss [First Name]" I took it as basic courtesy, and when he uncomfortably called me "Mrs. [Last Name]" the next time I went, I was saddened that one of his supervisors had told him not to do it any more.

OTOH when I am refereeing, I occasionally get called "Sir!" in outrage by an offended competitor who is trying to be polite while enraged, and I love it.

My nonbinary offspring often gets called either "Sir" and "Ma'am" and finds it funny. They were only truly offended when a professional report addressed them as "Mx" instead of "Dr." throughout, because the effort had been made to respect the nonbinary bit, but the doctorate had been disappeared.

Likewise, I don't mind being called "Miss" or "Mrs." anyone, even though I'm actually "Dr." because the doctorate only matters in a professional setting; it's just that my last name is not the same as Mr. Peach's so neither "Miss" nor "Mrs." is appropriate.

All I'm saying is if I have dropped an umbrella and someone tells me, I'm really happy to get the umbrella back. They're usually more embarrassed than I am if they call me the wrong thing. It is not obvious by looking at someone what they're supposed to be called. Yes, try not to screw it up, but the umbrella and the kindness is what matters.
posted by Peach at 5:28 AM on August 26, 2022 [2 favorites]

Nthing "excuse me, you dropped x". My experience with "excuse me" by others aware that I'm engaged with something else has been that I'm about to be begged from, proselytized or harassed.
posted by brujita at 4:44 PM on August 29, 2022

Brit living in California. I'm not keen on being called "boss" but then I don't go for "sir" either. I still do the English thing and avoid referring to people in public by name or title if possible.
posted by mdoar at 10:16 AM on August 30, 2022 [2 favorites]