How do I survive this job?
July 14, 2022 4:56 PM Subscribe
2/3 of my day job is good. 1/3, which was added after the other 2/3, is giving me panic attacks (my most recent panic attack before this was over 20 years ago). I've told my boss I'm not suited for this part of my job. He encourages me to buck up and soldier on. After five months, I'm sick of it. I'm applying for other work of course, but how do I survive the now? Snowflakes inside.
The parts of my job I'm good at: writing, spreadsheets, interpersonal relations, creative problem solving, teamwork.
The new, awful parts of my job: HR, and the labyrinthine bureaucratic apparatus attached to it. Every time I get an email relating to this part of my job, my heart starts beating faster and I shut down. I know it's just making things worse but I often have to wait 30 minutes - 90 minutes to get up the nerve to read one of these emails when I get it. Real losing-my-mind type stuff.
Yes, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. Longtime antidepressant user, recently prescribed mood stabilizers (which have helped) and Hydroxizene (which is supposed to help in the short term like Xanax, but is just a massive dose of antihistamines that makes me feel uncontrollably drowsy).
How do you tolerate jobs like this?
The parts of my job I'm good at: writing, spreadsheets, interpersonal relations, creative problem solving, teamwork.
The new, awful parts of my job: HR, and the labyrinthine bureaucratic apparatus attached to it. Every time I get an email relating to this part of my job, my heart starts beating faster and I shut down. I know it's just making things worse but I often have to wait 30 minutes - 90 minutes to get up the nerve to read one of these emails when I get it. Real losing-my-mind type stuff.
Yes, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. Longtime antidepressant user, recently prescribed mood stabilizers (which have helped) and Hydroxizene (which is supposed to help in the short term like Xanax, but is just a massive dose of antihistamines that makes me feel uncontrollably drowsy).
How do you tolerate jobs like this?
So, 3/3 of my job is awful. I survive it by just doing what I can when I can and remembering that I do not run a neonatal ICU or a nuclear reactor. Nobody, literally nobody ever, dies if I take 90 minutes to read an email. It's physically impossible for anything about my job to kill anyone. The absolute, absolute worst case scenario is that maybe someone somewhere has to push their own deadline back, but honestly, if they planned their day so poorly that 90 minutes makes or breaks their whole schedule, they suck at their job too.
Does anyone die if you take 90 minutes to read an email? No? Then fuck it, take 90 minutes to read an email. You want a different job anyway! You don't need to blow anyone's hair back here.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 5:24 PM on July 14, 2022 [28 favorites]
Does anyone die if you take 90 minutes to read an email? No? Then fuck it, take 90 minutes to read an email. You want a different job anyway! You don't need to blow anyone's hair back here.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 5:24 PM on July 14, 2022 [28 favorites]
I do not know how time sensitive the HR issues that come into you are, but I would allocate a very specific time of the day to deal with HR stuff and not even look at it the other say 7 hours that day. If it were me, I would be inclined to leave it for say 4pm to 5pm, but I know I would come up with excuses or rationalizations to not do it, so I would make it the first hour of my day. If I started work at 8am, I would make 8 to 8:15 check my voicemails and emails and texts, etc. Then from 8:15 to 9:15 I would soldier through the dreaded HR stuff. I would know that at 9:15, I would not deal with it for the rest of the day! Obviously, adjust the start and end time to suit the time needed each day and to fit within your hour parameters, but I would rip the bandaid off every day making it the first thing and then I would simply not address it unless there was a true emergency. Someone else's poor planning is not an emergency on your part. If you can, and it sounds like you are part of a small company, let everyone know that HR office hours are from 8:00 to 9:30 or whatever time you designate.
I also think that the more I faced it, the better I would get with it and the more comfortable I would be doing it, and over time, while it would still suck, it would suck less.
If your concern is the risk of making a mistake with HR which could lead to other issues, just take your time and ask your boss to check it until you are more comfortable.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:24 PM on July 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
I also think that the more I faced it, the better I would get with it and the more comfortable I would be doing it, and over time, while it would still suck, it would suck less.
If your concern is the risk of making a mistake with HR which could lead to other issues, just take your time and ask your boss to check it until you are more comfortable.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:24 PM on July 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
If you can use key words or email domains to do it, filter those emails to skip the inbox and go to a separate folder. Check the folder once every day, or twice if strictly necessary.
posted by lookoutbelow at 5:54 PM on July 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by lookoutbelow at 5:54 PM on July 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
HR is hard and stressful! There’s a reason people in HR are paid so much! It’s especially hard because you are in charge of things that could really mess up your coworkers lives, and I know that would weigh me down and freak me out. And it’s so much of other people’s urgency getting thrown at you. Mixed in with all kinds of office politics.
Depending on where you live, there may be certifications that are necessary to do HR work. You could use that as an out with your boss or tell your boss that the company needs to pay for you to have training for you to continue in this role.
If you are able, I would personally be a huge pain about it. Set a meeting for an hour every day with your boss where you do the HR work TOGETHER. Just be like “in order for me to do this, I need your support.” Just like. Pester him. Make him deal with the emails.
This is probably terrible advice 😂
posted by Bottlecap at 6:02 PM on July 14, 2022 [4 favorites]
Depending on where you live, there may be certifications that are necessary to do HR work. You could use that as an out with your boss or tell your boss that the company needs to pay for you to have training for you to continue in this role.
If you are able, I would personally be a huge pain about it. Set a meeting for an hour every day with your boss where you do the HR work TOGETHER. Just be like “in order for me to do this, I need your support.” Just like. Pester him. Make him deal with the emails.
This is probably terrible advice 😂
posted by Bottlecap at 6:02 PM on July 14, 2022 [4 favorites]
I would talk to the Job Accommodation Network and your therapy team about potential reasonable accommodations. This may difficult because this is such a substantial part of your job, but even if they can't eliminate that part of your work they may be able to help you think about some things that might help you manage: managing communication differently so your day isn't derailed by the email, adjusting your schedule so you have more control over how and when you're interacting with HR. I'm so sorry that HR itself is what's triggering you, but I do think it's worth talking to some outside experts and your therapist about how you might frame this not as "I'm not suited for this" but as "this is detrimental to my mental health."
On your own, I'd really try to break down the triggers and do what you can to mitigate them. If getting an email about one of these matters is part of it, can you set up a filter in your email so you only have to see them at a time you choose, and don't receive notifications throughout the day? If this isn't doable within your inbox, could you frame a request to your team in terms of streamlining workflow and have them email a specific email address, fill out a particular form, or use a specific term in the subject line? If navigating the HR labyrinth is part of the issue, can you (perhaps working with your boss or colleagues) map out some workflows to help you make decisions when you're panicking?
For me, a big part of tolerating this sort of job until I got out was making an active effort to feel like a full and worthwhile human separate from the job even when that was really really difficult. This is a time to lean on your support networks, take care of yourself physically, and do things that make you feel calm, grounded, and happy. If you have some PTO, use it to get a break and rest as much as you can. If you have a lot of PTO, use it to rest and then focus on applying to other jobs. You are not this terrible 1/3 of this current job, and you are not this job, and you are not going to feel this way forever.
posted by earth by april at 6:35 PM on July 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
On your own, I'd really try to break down the triggers and do what you can to mitigate them. If getting an email about one of these matters is part of it, can you set up a filter in your email so you only have to see them at a time you choose, and don't receive notifications throughout the day? If this isn't doable within your inbox, could you frame a request to your team in terms of streamlining workflow and have them email a specific email address, fill out a particular form, or use a specific term in the subject line? If navigating the HR labyrinth is part of the issue, can you (perhaps working with your boss or colleagues) map out some workflows to help you make decisions when you're panicking?
For me, a big part of tolerating this sort of job until I got out was making an active effort to feel like a full and worthwhile human separate from the job even when that was really really difficult. This is a time to lean on your support networks, take care of yourself physically, and do things that make you feel calm, grounded, and happy. If you have some PTO, use it to get a break and rest as much as you can. If you have a lot of PTO, use it to rest and then focus on applying to other jobs. You are not this terrible 1/3 of this current job, and you are not this job, and you are not going to feel this way forever.
posted by earth by april at 6:35 PM on July 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
I tolerate mine because I can't get another one and for me it's this or homelessness. Honestly, that's it. A person can put up with anything (probably) if they don't have a reasonable path out and the unreasonable options are really bad. At least it's only 1/3 that you hate? Truth be told that might sum mine up too, I don't hate everything but certain aspects really poison the well.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:42 AM on July 15, 2022
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:42 AM on July 15, 2022
I'm in a similar boat right now. The part of my job I was actually hired to do is fine. But a few months ago I was given some new duties that I would have NEVER sought out, had I had a choice. It's complex, everything is urgent, and it requires a degree of organization that is decidedly not my forte. In addition, the person who has been training me on this created the process to suit her chaotic style of thinking. She's got a great memory and is great at the job, but horrible at teaching it and there are little to no reference materials, she "just remembers" everything, and her communication style is also chaotic and unclear..
Literally the only saving grace here is that my boss is very aware of this person's chaotic style of thinking and her inability to communicate effectively, so she has given me a fair amount of grace as far as how long it is taking me to learn and be comfortable with the process.
One thing I have done on this job, and on previous jobs where there was a lot of stuff to remember, is create a reference spreadsheet where I can record items which I need to remember what they are and what to do with them. For example, when I worked the reception desk I would get a lot of phone calls where someone would tell me their issue, and I would need to decide where to route their call. In the beginning, it was a lot to remember. So on my spreadsheet, I put the issue in one column, and the person/department who would handle it in the other column.
For example:
"My equipment is broken down".... Service Department at ext 111
"There is a mistake on my invoice".... ask company name, A-M goes to Dorothy at ext 222, N-Z goes to Carol at ext 333
"I need to get some training for my crew".... Carl at ext 444
"I am interested in employment"... HR voicemail, ext 555
"I'd like to report one of your drivers".... Service Manager ext 666
Red warning light on phone system console... see page 17 of phone manual for rebooting instructions. If reboot is unsuccessful, contact IT support ext 777
I've done a similar spreadsheet for my current job, in this case it is mostly documents that come in and I have to remember what process each one triggers (and all the steps of the process.) I put the name of the document in one column, what I am supposed to do with it in the next column, a brief outline of the steps I need to take in the third column, and notes about the process in the fourth column, including directing myself to the appropriate process document that outlines the steps in more detail.
I've created my own process documents so I remember the steps I need to take, and I'm continually updating them with notes or additional information as I receive new information or feedback or some new exception to the process. And I made myself a template to fill in for each new case I handle, that runs me through every step of the process and allows me to check off when each step is completed. It has taken some time to pull all these references together, but a couple of weeks ago I was having near panic attacks every time something would come in and I couldn't remember what to do, and my pile of unorganized notes and post-its were a useless clusterfuck. I spend a vacation day going through the notes and adding them into the process documents where I'll actually see them when I need them. Yesterday, I had several things come in right on top of each other and while it took me a while to plod through the process with each one, my reference materials told me what I needed to do so for once I didn't panic. Progress!
You don't really articulate what it is about the HR stuff that is causing you to panic, but I think as a first step I'd try to pin that down and then figure out if anything can be done to remedy the issue. Mine was "I don't remember how" and so making references has been a remedy for me. Yours might be different, but there still may be something you can do to help yourself, or something specific you can ask someone else to provide, such as training on employment regulations, etc.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:56 AM on July 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
Literally the only saving grace here is that my boss is very aware of this person's chaotic style of thinking and her inability to communicate effectively, so she has given me a fair amount of grace as far as how long it is taking me to learn and be comfortable with the process.
One thing I have done on this job, and on previous jobs where there was a lot of stuff to remember, is create a reference spreadsheet where I can record items which I need to remember what they are and what to do with them. For example, when I worked the reception desk I would get a lot of phone calls where someone would tell me their issue, and I would need to decide where to route their call. In the beginning, it was a lot to remember. So on my spreadsheet, I put the issue in one column, and the person/department who would handle it in the other column.
For example:
"My equipment is broken down".... Service Department at ext 111
"There is a mistake on my invoice".... ask company name, A-M goes to Dorothy at ext 222, N-Z goes to Carol at ext 333
"I need to get some training for my crew".... Carl at ext 444
"I am interested in employment"... HR voicemail, ext 555
"I'd like to report one of your drivers".... Service Manager ext 666
Red warning light on phone system console... see page 17 of phone manual for rebooting instructions. If reboot is unsuccessful, contact IT support ext 777
I've done a similar spreadsheet for my current job, in this case it is mostly documents that come in and I have to remember what process each one triggers (and all the steps of the process.) I put the name of the document in one column, what I am supposed to do with it in the next column, a brief outline of the steps I need to take in the third column, and notes about the process in the fourth column, including directing myself to the appropriate process document that outlines the steps in more detail.
I've created my own process documents so I remember the steps I need to take, and I'm continually updating them with notes or additional information as I receive new information or feedback or some new exception to the process. And I made myself a template to fill in for each new case I handle, that runs me through every step of the process and allows me to check off when each step is completed. It has taken some time to pull all these references together, but a couple of weeks ago I was having near panic attacks every time something would come in and I couldn't remember what to do, and my pile of unorganized notes and post-its were a useless clusterfuck. I spend a vacation day going through the notes and adding them into the process documents where I'll actually see them when I need them. Yesterday, I had several things come in right on top of each other and while it took me a while to plod through the process with each one, my reference materials told me what I needed to do so for once I didn't panic. Progress!
You don't really articulate what it is about the HR stuff that is causing you to panic, but I think as a first step I'd try to pin that down and then figure out if anything can be done to remedy the issue. Mine was "I don't remember how" and so making references has been a remedy for me. Yours might be different, but there still may be something you can do to help yourself, or something specific you can ask someone else to provide, such as training on employment regulations, etc.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:56 AM on July 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Threeve at 5:22 PM on July 14, 2022