How to convince my nervous system to calm down?
June 25, 2022 5:05 PM Subscribe
I recently chose to retell an old traumatic story to a mediator. This just totally stirred my nervous system into a mess, and I'm having trouble focusing and feel like I need to cry and am just not super functional. What's the most productive thing I can do to calm down. I really don't want to just suppress all these feelings and would like better something that will help me work through them.
The whole premise is broken, I'm supposed to have a conversation with the aggressor to try to see about resolving our "conflict" which is him treating me badly. I don't have support from my boss (who suggested the mediation), and I'm (intellectually and emotionally) realizing how absolutely misguided and terrible this all is. Years of not being supported are somehow all coming crashing down and I just feel I've been crushed. I'm trans and have a uterus and the national climate probably isn't helping (though this has been going on for four days, so not just about the Roe decision).
I've been trying exercise and getting support from friends. I'm thinking the hive mind will probably recommend journaling, so will try that shortly. Any other suggestions?
The whole premise is broken, I'm supposed to have a conversation with the aggressor to try to see about resolving our "conflict" which is him treating me badly. I don't have support from my boss (who suggested the mediation), and I'm (intellectually and emotionally) realizing how absolutely misguided and terrible this all is. Years of not being supported are somehow all coming crashing down and I just feel I've been crushed. I'm trans and have a uterus and the national climate probably isn't helping (though this has been going on for four days, so not just about the Roe decision).
I've been trying exercise and getting support from friends. I'm thinking the hive mind will probably recommend journaling, so will try that shortly. Any other suggestions?
So very sorry to hear this. Mediation is a terrific concept, but so much depends on the intelligence, courage and skills of the mediator. Your boss needs to stand up for you and anyone who might ever find themselves in your position. Would your boss help you get another job, or transfer within the company?
posted by mmiddle at 5:13 PM on June 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by mmiddle at 5:13 PM on June 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I feel for you. When these things happen in the political sphere they ABSOLUTELY resonate in the personal. After George Floyd was murdered every Black person I know had extreme reactions like panic attacks, crying, depression, agoraphobia, eye twitches, picking fights and ghosting relationships. Can you delay or cancel the mediation? This is just not a good time for you to take on extra drama. Be gentle with yourself and try to sleep a lot.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:13 PM on June 25, 2022
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:13 PM on June 25, 2022
A weighted blanket or several blankets on top of you at once for at least 15 min a day. Ice cube on the back of your neck. Singing loudly. Looking at clouds. Affirmations to replace repetitive unwanted thoughts.
posted by CMcG at 5:21 PM on June 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by CMcG at 5:21 PM on June 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
feel like I need to cry and am just not super functional.
If you feel the urge to cry, then cry. Maybe try watching a sad show or listen to sad music. Sometimes you need to get the crying out to end the stress cycle.
Another option is intense exercise. Aerobic exercise is good for this.
Basically, these are ways of telling your body that the stressful thing is done, so it can chill out.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:21 PM on June 25, 2022 [12 favorites]
If you feel the urge to cry, then cry. Maybe try watching a sad show or listen to sad music. Sometimes you need to get the crying out to end the stress cycle.
Another option is intense exercise. Aerobic exercise is good for this.
Basically, these are ways of telling your body that the stressful thing is done, so it can chill out.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:21 PM on June 25, 2022 [12 favorites]
Exercising and meditation are good, as is beating the ever-loving stuffing out of a pillow. Strangle it if necessary.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:56 PM on June 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:56 PM on June 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
(Basically you’ve got Fight, Flight, or Freeze activated, so go with one of them)
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:58 PM on June 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:58 PM on June 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
This is an experience of crushing fear - a reminder of bad stuff that happened where you couldn't defend yourself. My advice is to let it pass through you - feel it, let your body respond (cry, break things, draw it, hard aerobic exercise) and then let it go and focus on your true self that reminds strong and solid.
If you still feel wobbly afterwards, work on separating the present problem the past ones - what is the worst that might the current person realistically do? what realistically happens if they do? in most cases the answer is that it would be unpleasant but you would survive. (Remember you are a strong adult now with much capacity than in the past). If you have trouble with this, find a trusted friend who can remind you of how great you are and that you will be OK in the long run.
Kind of a variation on the second half of the fear litany from Dune:
"I will permit it [my fear] to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
posted by metahawk at 6:08 PM on June 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you still feel wobbly afterwards, work on separating the present problem the past ones - what is the worst that might the current person realistically do? what realistically happens if they do? in most cases the answer is that it would be unpleasant but you would survive. (Remember you are a strong adult now with much capacity than in the past). If you have trouble with this, find a trusted friend who can remind you of how great you are and that you will be OK in the long run.
Kind of a variation on the second half of the fear litany from Dune:
"I will permit it [my fear] to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
posted by metahawk at 6:08 PM on June 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
For me it would be vigorous exercise to loud music - spend the adrenaline- followed by a shower and a comedy, with popcorn.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:09 PM on June 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 6:09 PM on June 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
Exercise for sure, challenging rigorous exercise like walking up steep hills.
I've never called this journaling: write it all out. Do it by hand, something about writing by hand helps to work things through. Keep adding to the writing for a couple of days if you feel you need to. Give yourself a time limit, like write for no more than an hour. Then take a break for a couple of days. Then type up your handwritten notes editing as you go. Then put that away for a few days. You may start to see new patterns emerge when you reread it.
Can the conversation with the person be done in epistolary form? Even if it can't be it might help to think of the writing as letters addressed to the person in question, whether you send them or not.
posted by mareli at 7:23 PM on June 25, 2022
I've never called this journaling: write it all out. Do it by hand, something about writing by hand helps to work things through. Keep adding to the writing for a couple of days if you feel you need to. Give yourself a time limit, like write for no more than an hour. Then take a break for a couple of days. Then type up your handwritten notes editing as you go. Then put that away for a few days. You may start to see new patterns emerge when you reread it.
Can the conversation with the person be done in epistolary form? Even if it can't be it might help to think of the writing as letters addressed to the person in question, whether you send them or not.
posted by mareli at 7:23 PM on June 25, 2022
You might consider looking up distress tolerance DBT skills to get you through the present moment.
Two other thoughts:
1. Try EMDR therapy to process the trauma so it doesn't stir up so much when you need to recall the event.
2. Try to avoid talking to the aggressor directly. I went through mediation through the courts and the mediator went between us. I never had to talk to the other party. I realize talking to the mediator has prompted this reaction, but it sounds like you might need to talk to the aggressor and that just does not seem necessary.
So sorry you're going through this. I hope you find some peace and know that this moment will pass.
posted by skunk pig at 10:52 PM on June 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Two other thoughts:
1. Try EMDR therapy to process the trauma so it doesn't stir up so much when you need to recall the event.
2. Try to avoid talking to the aggressor directly. I went through mediation through the courts and the mediator went between us. I never had to talk to the other party. I realize talking to the mediator has prompted this reaction, but it sounds like you might need to talk to the aggressor and that just does not seem necessary.
So sorry you're going through this. I hope you find some peace and know that this moment will pass.
posted by skunk pig at 10:52 PM on June 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Several years ago, I learned about somatic therapy. One of the techniques I learned was to gently rub my arms and the tops/sides of my legs while comfortably seated in a chair - something akin to giving yourself a soothing hug or calming touches. While doing this, I also take time to internally thank my body for taking care of me by expressing concern.
There is a lot of material available around this type of therapy; it has been truly life changing for me. Mostly, though, remember that *you* are worthy of love and care.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 11:35 PM on June 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
There is a lot of material available around this type of therapy; it has been truly life changing for me. Mostly, though, remember that *you* are worthy of love and care.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 11:35 PM on June 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
4-7-8 breathing
SAM app (free and created by a nonprofit, teaches breath work)
Guided body scans, especially before bed. There are lots of sources, one is Tara Brach's archive (a note here - stay away from any meditation techniques right now that don't focus on guided relaxation specifically. A meditation practice is challenging and not something to start when you aren't in a good place).
Self-hypnosis is also great
Massage & acupuncture are also awesome if you have the budget. Check if acupuncture is covered by your insurance.
posted by veery at 6:16 AM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
SAM app (free and created by a nonprofit, teaches breath work)
Guided body scans, especially before bed. There are lots of sources, one is Tara Brach's archive (a note here - stay away from any meditation techniques right now that don't focus on guided relaxation specifically. A meditation practice is challenging and not something to start when you aren't in a good place).
Self-hypnosis is also great
Massage & acupuncture are also awesome if you have the budget. Check if acupuncture is covered by your insurance.
posted by veery at 6:16 AM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
Sucking on hard candy can help me.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:43 AM on June 26, 2022
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:43 AM on June 26, 2022
Something that is journaling- and meditation-adjacent is Neurographic art. All the best to you, finding a way through this!
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 9:47 AM on June 26, 2022
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 9:47 AM on June 26, 2022
Oh, also, be careful with journaling. I know some people really like it. For me, I feel like it tends to just lead to more rumination and sort of "cements" some of the negative thoughts I already have floating in my head.
Likewise, if you aren't already practicing meditation regularly, when you're in this active fight or flight state is probably not the best time. But I do think it can be helpful to do some active mindfulness exercises. Like going for a walk where you try to be really present to everything - how the sun feels on your skin, the sounds around you, how air feels as it moves in and out of your lungs, the feeling of your feet in your shoes hitting the ground.
I find a very brisk, very long walk is really good at re-regulating my nervous system. (Running works best for me, but currently I can't do that for health reasons, and if you aren't used to doing regular intense exercise, a brisk intense walk can be a good option).
I read somewhere once that walking in particular can help regulate cortisol levels if they are sort of out of balance. I have no idea if it's actually true, but I find when I do a lot of walking, it does help calm me down.
(I also have a significant trauma history and a generally messed up autonomic nervous system, so I've been through this whole song and dance a lot. I really hope something in these answers works for you.)
posted by litera scripta manet at 11:53 AM on June 26, 2022
Likewise, if you aren't already practicing meditation regularly, when you're in this active fight or flight state is probably not the best time. But I do think it can be helpful to do some active mindfulness exercises. Like going for a walk where you try to be really present to everything - how the sun feels on your skin, the sounds around you, how air feels as it moves in and out of your lungs, the feeling of your feet in your shoes hitting the ground.
I find a very brisk, very long walk is really good at re-regulating my nervous system. (Running works best for me, but currently I can't do that for health reasons, and if you aren't used to doing regular intense exercise, a brisk intense walk can be a good option).
I read somewhere once that walking in particular can help regulate cortisol levels if they are sort of out of balance. I have no idea if it's actually true, but I find when I do a lot of walking, it does help calm me down.
(I also have a significant trauma history and a generally messed up autonomic nervous system, so I've been through this whole song and dance a lot. I really hope something in these answers works for you.)
posted by litera scripta manet at 11:53 AM on June 26, 2022
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posted by saturdaymornings at 5:10 PM on June 25, 2022