WWYD: PhD + Baby
June 14, 2022 10:05 AM Subscribe
I’m wanting to do two big things: 1) get a PhD and 2) have a baby. I know, having a baby doesn’t happen on a timeline, but… if it did… what would be a better situation?
Hi everyone, I’m almost 30 and about a year into an awesome job on the opposite coast (US) of family. I feel like I’m just getting started on what I want to be doing, career-wise, and I’m not really ready to take a step back; however, due to some health concerns, I feel like I need to think about trying to conceive sooner rather than later. I want to get my PhD eventually (at a university that happens to be a 3-hour drive from family.) While this job is great and I want to get as much out of it as I can, it’s not what I want to do forever — that’s why I want to get a PhD! (I have more specific goals about getting a PhD, and also assume that the likelihood of getting into this PhD program/job market are good. I don’t want this post to be any longer than it already is…)
Option A: stay at current job and try to conceive within next year or so, then get PhD when baby is 2+ years old (if able to conceive)
+ Would not worry about trying to conceive… would know if we could or could not have a kid
+ I know how to do this job, so having “pregnancy brain”/general brain fog from sleep deprivation while doing this job scares me less.
+ I feel settled here. We just moved last summer, but my husband and I both enjoy our jobs and feel like we have a good thing going. We’ve moved a lot in the last five years and want to stay put for a bit.
- This job is pretty physical and I’m not sure how I’ll be able to lift/transfer humans (a daily requirement, multiple times per day) at 6+ months pregnant. People in my role seem to leave when they want to get pregnant, but that could just be a recent trend.
- We are currently living across the country from family/support system. We love the people/culture here, but there’s no one to call in an emergency.
- Along with support, we both actually like our families and would be the first to have a grandkid. Especially because I foresee myself having just one child, I don’t want for us or them to miss out on the experience of being nearby with a new baby.
- Seeing family would require me to fly cross-country with baby, which I really do not want to do. Important people in my family do not fly (don’t ask; won’t change) so I would have to be the one traveling or just not see them for a few years.
- We’re living in an expensive area, so extra stuff like renting an apartment larger than a one-bedroom or with a fenced-in yard for our dog is not likely. (I mention this b/c currently we live on the top floor of a three-story walk-up and taking our dog out multiple times per day is not super fun on our worst days and sounds pretty miserable for a sleep-deprived person.)
Option B: do PhD, have baby after qualifying exams (year 2)
- This would be about 4-5 years away because I want to stay in my current job for at least 2 more years to gain experience that will be relevant to my PhD. (I’ve thought about applying this fall, but I like this job and think it’d be too soon to leave — I don’t want to burn bridges here. I’ve also thought about trying to conceive earlier in my PhD, but that would put me at doing so during my first year and I think it would be hard to be pregnant, live in a new area, and start a grad program all at once.)
- I’m worried about not being at my sharpest at a critical point in my career due to pregnancy/postpartum issues/sleep deprivation
+ Conversely, I also hear how there’s no better time to have a baby than during the PhD because it is so flexible. (BTW, I’m looking at a program/advisors who have had several pregnant grad students, so I’m not too worried about that.)
+ Would be a 3-hours’ drive from family; not ideal, but much better than a cross-country flight, right?
+ Cheaper cost of living, could afford to rent a bigger space and place with a fenced-in yard for our dog.
I appreciate your thoughts. Thank you!
Hi everyone, I’m almost 30 and about a year into an awesome job on the opposite coast (US) of family. I feel like I’m just getting started on what I want to be doing, career-wise, and I’m not really ready to take a step back; however, due to some health concerns, I feel like I need to think about trying to conceive sooner rather than later. I want to get my PhD eventually (at a university that happens to be a 3-hour drive from family.) While this job is great and I want to get as much out of it as I can, it’s not what I want to do forever — that’s why I want to get a PhD! (I have more specific goals about getting a PhD, and also assume that the likelihood of getting into this PhD program/job market are good. I don’t want this post to be any longer than it already is…)
Option A: stay at current job and try to conceive within next year or so, then get PhD when baby is 2+ years old (if able to conceive)
+ Would not worry about trying to conceive… would know if we could or could not have a kid
+ I know how to do this job, so having “pregnancy brain”/general brain fog from sleep deprivation while doing this job scares me less.
+ I feel settled here. We just moved last summer, but my husband and I both enjoy our jobs and feel like we have a good thing going. We’ve moved a lot in the last five years and want to stay put for a bit.
- This job is pretty physical and I’m not sure how I’ll be able to lift/transfer humans (a daily requirement, multiple times per day) at 6+ months pregnant. People in my role seem to leave when they want to get pregnant, but that could just be a recent trend.
- We are currently living across the country from family/support system. We love the people/culture here, but there’s no one to call in an emergency.
- Along with support, we both actually like our families and would be the first to have a grandkid. Especially because I foresee myself having just one child, I don’t want for us or them to miss out on the experience of being nearby with a new baby.
- Seeing family would require me to fly cross-country with baby, which I really do not want to do. Important people in my family do not fly (don’t ask; won’t change) so I would have to be the one traveling or just not see them for a few years.
- We’re living in an expensive area, so extra stuff like renting an apartment larger than a one-bedroom or with a fenced-in yard for our dog is not likely. (I mention this b/c currently we live on the top floor of a three-story walk-up and taking our dog out multiple times per day is not super fun on our worst days and sounds pretty miserable for a sleep-deprived person.)
Option B: do PhD, have baby after qualifying exams (year 2)
- This would be about 4-5 years away because I want to stay in my current job for at least 2 more years to gain experience that will be relevant to my PhD. (I’ve thought about applying this fall, but I like this job and think it’d be too soon to leave — I don’t want to burn bridges here. I’ve also thought about trying to conceive earlier in my PhD, but that would put me at doing so during my first year and I think it would be hard to be pregnant, live in a new area, and start a grad program all at once.)
- I’m worried about not being at my sharpest at a critical point in my career due to pregnancy/postpartum issues/sleep deprivation
+ Conversely, I also hear how there’s no better time to have a baby than during the PhD because it is so flexible. (BTW, I’m looking at a program/advisors who have had several pregnant grad students, so I’m not too worried about that.)
+ Would be a 3-hours’ drive from family; not ideal, but much better than a cross-country flight, right?
+ Cheaper cost of living, could afford to rent a bigger space and place with a fenced-in yard for our dog.
I appreciate your thoughts. Thank you!
If you had to pick one, which would it be? In your heart of hearts, would you rather have a baby or go to grad school? Do that one first. Both can come with unexpected complications and difficulties and it’s impossible to time it all just right and be confident you can make that happen. And doing one might change how you feel about the other.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:42 AM on June 14, 2022 [25 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 10:42 AM on June 14, 2022 [25 favorites]
Would you get health insurance through the university? Does the university have its own hospital?
We had our first kid while my wife was doing a postgraduate fellowship. She was on their health insurance, which was great because it’s a huge university and so they had both a large group size and the means to offer more expensive (low deductible, high coverage) plans. That’s the biggest reason I would suggest starting your Ph.D. first. The school will likely offer better insurance than your current job, and having a baby is expensive. If you or the baby have any complications, you don’t want to be on an insurance plan whose most distinctive quality is that it didn’t cost your employer as much as a better plan.
If the school has a hospital/medical center system, that can make the logistics a little easier. It’s much easier to hop on a campus bus to get to your ultrasound than to leave work and drive. The hospital might also offer some little perks to students and staff. We got some extra attention from housekeeping and a stuffed animal, which isn’t much, but like, it’s more than you get other places.
I think the subject matters a little as well. It would be harder to have to go into an in-person chemistry lab every day than to get some books from the library and go through them at home. Not saying humanities Ph.D.s are easy, I was a history major, just that you can be a little more flexible in where and when you work. If you have to be at the lab to monitor results, you have little flexibility, and flexibility is valuable with an infant.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:52 AM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
We had our first kid while my wife was doing a postgraduate fellowship. She was on their health insurance, which was great because it’s a huge university and so they had both a large group size and the means to offer more expensive (low deductible, high coverage) plans. That’s the biggest reason I would suggest starting your Ph.D. first. The school will likely offer better insurance than your current job, and having a baby is expensive. If you or the baby have any complications, you don’t want to be on an insurance plan whose most distinctive quality is that it didn’t cost your employer as much as a better plan.
If the school has a hospital/medical center system, that can make the logistics a little easier. It’s much easier to hop on a campus bus to get to your ultrasound than to leave work and drive. The hospital might also offer some little perks to students and staff. We got some extra attention from housekeeping and a stuffed animal, which isn’t much, but like, it’s more than you get other places.
I think the subject matters a little as well. It would be harder to have to go into an in-person chemistry lab every day than to get some books from the library and go through them at home. Not saying humanities Ph.D.s are easy, I was a history major, just that you can be a little more flexible in where and when you work. If you have to be at the lab to monitor results, you have little flexibility, and flexibility is valuable with an infant.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:52 AM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
I’m a professor in a STEM field. Since I started about 15 years ago, I’ve had two PhD students and one postdoc have babies while working with me. We were able to give them a lot of flexibility and the University’s parental leave program accommodated them well. This biggest problem they ran into was finding proper lactation space, but we managed to push on university facilities a bit and get that (especially because we’re in a state that requires employers to provide it).
I think you’re very smart to be looking for an advisor who has worked with pregnant grad students, not only because they’re likely to be reasonable about it, but also because they’ll be able to help you navigate university policy.
posted by mr_roboto at 10:59 AM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think you’re very smart to be looking for an advisor who has worked with pregnant grad students, not only because they’re likely to be reasonable about it, but also because they’ll be able to help you navigate university policy.
posted by mr_roboto at 10:59 AM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
It sounds like either direction of the next stage of your life will necessitate you moving back to the other side of the country. So I think it's time to start looking for jobs and houses in that area, and planning a move back. Maybe you can negotiate remote work for your current job?
Once you're back there, I think (because of health issues) it sounds like the baby should come first, with the phd to start when the kiddo is in school.
posted by hydra77 at 11:11 AM on June 14, 2022
Once you're back there, I think (because of health issues) it sounds like the baby should come first, with the phd to start when the kiddo is in school.
posted by hydra77 at 11:11 AM on June 14, 2022
due to some health concerns, I feel like I need to think about trying to conceive sooner rather than later.
I would start trying now, if having a baby is important to you - sure, a university might be able to offer you better health insurance (though, this is not a given - grad programs vary pretty widely in this department), but very few grad programs cover IVF.
I did a humanities PhD - it's possible the flow of things is different in STEM - I know people who started as single moms with a small kid, people who had a baby during coursework (first 3 years), and people who had babies post-coursework. I know someone who started the program pregnant (though she didn't give birth until the summer after her first year). Most parents struggled somewhat with balancing being a parent and being a grad student, but almost all of them managed to get their PhD.
The common feature of those who struggled the least was not a specific timing, but having really supportive partners and/or a broader support network. So, I honestly wouldn't worry about the timing so much (though personally I wouldn't want to be pregnant during 3rd year, when we did qualifying exams - but I know one person who was very pregnant in her third year and got through it). I wouldn't put off having a kid though - I know too many women in academia who regret doing that.
posted by coffeecat at 11:32 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would start trying now, if having a baby is important to you - sure, a university might be able to offer you better health insurance (though, this is not a given - grad programs vary pretty widely in this department), but very few grad programs cover IVF.
I did a humanities PhD - it's possible the flow of things is different in STEM - I know people who started as single moms with a small kid, people who had a baby during coursework (first 3 years), and people who had babies post-coursework. I know someone who started the program pregnant (though she didn't give birth until the summer after her first year). Most parents struggled somewhat with balancing being a parent and being a grad student, but almost all of them managed to get their PhD.
The common feature of those who struggled the least was not a specific timing, but having really supportive partners and/or a broader support network. So, I honestly wouldn't worry about the timing so much (though personally I wouldn't want to be pregnant during 3rd year, when we did qualifying exams - but I know one person who was very pregnant in her third year and got through it). I wouldn't put off having a kid though - I know too many women in academia who regret doing that.
posted by coffeecat at 11:32 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
Final note: there's tons of people on Twitter etc. who say they got their PhD at the same time as they had babies and small kids. None of this is impossible. Both your goals in life are possible to pull off simultaneously, too, even if it will be an exhausting period of your life, but hell, what's life if not this?
A few years ago, I read that research had found that women who had their children during the PhD did better on the tenure track than women who had babies during the tenure track. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but the PhD is more forgiving of time out for maternity leaves than tenure track positions. (This was research based on a large number of people - so more of a statistical effect than individual results). If your ultimate goal after a PhD is not a tenure track position, this would change your calculation, obviously.
But you're not comparing having a child during a Phd or during a tenure-track position, but between having a child while working. Your position is physically demanding, but it doesn't sound like having an extended leave would affect your future career goals (as it would if during a tenure-track period). I would check in with others in your field about how long they were able to work during pregnancy and, depending on what jurisdiction you are in, you may be able to have leave that started well before birth if necessary.
Finally, there is the issue of your age - and this does matter. Health and career issues kept me from trying to conceive until I was 40 and that turned out to be serious problem (age-related infertility - I had lots of eggs but not many were viable). While people will point to anecdata supporting conception over 40, you never know if you will be one of the lucky ones. My personal advice to friends has been to take the opportunity, if available, to at least freeze some eggs and/or embryos before they are 35.
posted by jb at 11:32 AM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
A few years ago, I read that research had found that women who had their children during the PhD did better on the tenure track than women who had babies during the tenure track. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but the PhD is more forgiving of time out for maternity leaves than tenure track positions. (This was research based on a large number of people - so more of a statistical effect than individual results). If your ultimate goal after a PhD is not a tenure track position, this would change your calculation, obviously.
But you're not comparing having a child during a Phd or during a tenure-track position, but between having a child while working. Your position is physically demanding, but it doesn't sound like having an extended leave would affect your future career goals (as it would if during a tenure-track period). I would check in with others in your field about how long they were able to work during pregnancy and, depending on what jurisdiction you are in, you may be able to have leave that started well before birth if necessary.
Finally, there is the issue of your age - and this does matter. Health and career issues kept me from trying to conceive until I was 40 and that turned out to be serious problem (age-related infertility - I had lots of eggs but not many were viable). While people will point to anecdata supporting conception over 40, you never know if you will be one of the lucky ones. My personal advice to friends has been to take the opportunity, if available, to at least freeze some eggs and/or embryos before they are 35.
posted by jb at 11:32 AM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
I have a phd and a baby so I have some experience of both, though not at the same time. I know a few people who had their baby during their phd and seemed to manage, though it was clearly difficult.
If I had to pick between having a newborn vs. a 2+ year old while doing a phd, I'd definitely prefer doing it when the baby's a little older. It's impossible for me to describe exactly how severely your brain is affected by being sleep deprived for over a year straight but let's just say it doesn't do good things for your reasoning skills.
That said, I'd very much echo the advice to decide and prioritize which is more important to you because it may not be possible to do both - it will be difficult to start a phd when you have a toddler (financially and time-wise), and it may or may not be possible to have a child if you don't start trying until 34+ (it's possible for many but not for everyone, and you won't really know until you try). Is there one that you know you would regret missing out on for the rest of your life? If so, definitely do that one first, then try to fit the other one in later.
I wouldn't consider the distance from family a huge factor since there's not a large difference between a 3 hour drive and a flight, other than financially. Either way you're not going to get a lot of support on a day to day basis. Having a yard for the dog would be a mild plus but dogs still need walks even with a yard and your husband is very likely to be the one doing them for a while after birth anyway so I wouldn't consider that to be a huge factor either.
posted by randomnity at 11:50 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
If I had to pick between having a newborn vs. a 2+ year old while doing a phd, I'd definitely prefer doing it when the baby's a little older. It's impossible for me to describe exactly how severely your brain is affected by being sleep deprived for over a year straight but let's just say it doesn't do good things for your reasoning skills.
That said, I'd very much echo the advice to decide and prioritize which is more important to you because it may not be possible to do both - it will be difficult to start a phd when you have a toddler (financially and time-wise), and it may or may not be possible to have a child if you don't start trying until 34+ (it's possible for many but not for everyone, and you won't really know until you try). Is there one that you know you would regret missing out on for the rest of your life? If so, definitely do that one first, then try to fit the other one in later.
I wouldn't consider the distance from family a huge factor since there's not a large difference between a 3 hour drive and a flight, other than financially. Either way you're not going to get a lot of support on a day to day basis. Having a yard for the dog would be a mild plus but dogs still need walks even with a yard and your husband is very likely to be the one doing them for a while after birth anyway so I wouldn't consider that to be a huge factor either.
posted by randomnity at 11:50 AM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
As someone who has been pregnant and gone through the newborn-to-toddler stages while also having an intense career in tech, I really, truly want to caution you on the statement "I know how to do this job, so having “pregnancy brain”/general brain fog from sleep deprivation while doing this job scares me less."
I thought that too. I'm smart, I'm capable, I've been doing this for x years, I can keep doing this at this pace, no problem. I had a textbook perfect pregnancy with zero complications -- turns out they only mean that in a physical sense. Nobody told me that pregnancy can do really weird things to your brain and body that distract and consume you, no matter how experienced you are at your job. Prepartum anxiety and postpartum depression and anxiety is a very real possibility. Sleep deprivation will very, very likely affect your cognitive abilities and mental state.
The big thing about all this is that you may not even recognize it at the time. In retrospect, it was obvious that people were FAR more accommodating than they'd made me aware of at the time, but my ability to work effectively was nowhere near where I honestly thought I'd been until my child was about 6 months old.
Many people have very different experiences than this, though. I would just advise you to have the ability to prepare for changing your plans if your situation requires it.
posted by erst at 11:53 AM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
I thought that too. I'm smart, I'm capable, I've been doing this for x years, I can keep doing this at this pace, no problem. I had a textbook perfect pregnancy with zero complications -- turns out they only mean that in a physical sense. Nobody told me that pregnancy can do really weird things to your brain and body that distract and consume you, no matter how experienced you are at your job. Prepartum anxiety and postpartum depression and anxiety is a very real possibility. Sleep deprivation will very, very likely affect your cognitive abilities and mental state.
The big thing about all this is that you may not even recognize it at the time. In retrospect, it was obvious that people were FAR more accommodating than they'd made me aware of at the time, but my ability to work effectively was nowhere near where I honestly thought I'd been until my child was about 6 months old.
Many people have very different experiences than this, though. I would just advise you to have the ability to prepare for changing your plans if your situation requires it.
posted by erst at 11:53 AM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
Have the baby now, but consider moving closer to your parents now too, especially since you think you'll have to go on medical leave from work at 6 months. Not sure that staying at your current job really gives you much!
I would definitely not counsel you to wait until your mid-30s. While fertility does not "fall off a cliff," if you do run into any issues, that just gives you less time. Also you'll be more tired during your PhD.
If you're smart and have an only child, and your partner isn't a jerk, parenting gets a LOT easier after about 3 years. Entering a PhD program when your child goes to Kindergarten actually sounds like a really great plan to me.
Babies don't need to slow down your career, just fit into it. Source: I started a new job at 4 months pregnant then parlayed that into a major move upwards when kid was 3. I am SO GLAD I did not stay in the terrible job I had when I got pregnant and took that chance (despite many people telling me to do the safe thing.)
posted by haptic_avenger at 1:35 PM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
I would definitely not counsel you to wait until your mid-30s. While fertility does not "fall off a cliff," if you do run into any issues, that just gives you less time. Also you'll be more tired during your PhD.
If you're smart and have an only child, and your partner isn't a jerk, parenting gets a LOT easier after about 3 years. Entering a PhD program when your child goes to Kindergarten actually sounds like a really great plan to me.
Babies don't need to slow down your career, just fit into it. Source: I started a new job at 4 months pregnant then parlayed that into a major move upwards when kid was 3. I am SO GLAD I did not stay in the terrible job I had when I got pregnant and took that chance (despite many people telling me to do the safe thing.)
posted by haptic_avenger at 1:35 PM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Think carefully about which program you pick and which PI you pick. I know an apparently progressive (lab has lots of women and POC, talks up social justice bona fides) PI who "constructively dismissed" one of their grad students because she got pregnant during her grad work - managed her right out of the lab. She finished her degree with someone else who had fewer connections after several years with the original PI. It was not nice. Make sure that your program and your PI have some kind of actual, material history of treating pregnant people fairly.
posted by Frowner at 1:48 PM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Frowner at 1:48 PM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
Lots of great food for thought above from other posters. I have done a PhD, and done a pregnancy/baby, but not at the same time! I have very close friends who have done the PhD and (multiple!) babies simultaneously. Here are my thoughts, fwiw.
I would really, really, REALLY encourage you to not undervalue the nearness and availability of your support network (whether that be family or otherwise) during the early months/years of your potential baby's life. My baby is 11 months, and though we moved closer to family before becoming pregnant (for exactly this reason), the pandemic + international border crossing meant that despite being only about a 3-hour drive away, our family was effectively non-existent to us for the majority of the baby's first year. This was incredibly hard. Harder than I had any idea it would be. I am tough, and independent, and hate asking for help for ANYTHING, but this was too much for me. I would not ever consider having another baby without ensuring that we had NEARBY AND AVAILABLE support systems in place first. If you have close friends that can fill in for family where you are currently, then that mitigates the issue, but I really, really, REALLY think that the support question is paramount as you think through your options. Obviously people can and do care for newborns without good support networks, but holy fuck is that turning the difficulty dial up exponentially.
As for the PhD, I will draw on my friend's experience to suggest that waiting until after your quals/comps is not necessarily the best or only option. You don't mention what field you are in, but in my humanities program, time after quals is time to GET THE DISS DONE, and get out of there. While this means that yes, you do have a lot of flexibility, it also means that it is MUCH harder to segregate your caretaking responsibilities and prioritize your work/academic responsibilities. My friend had one baby during her final year of coursework (so, year 2 of the program), one baby during the early stages of writing her diss (around year 4), and one baby at the verrrrry end of the program (year 5). In her anecdotal experience (and this really feels like one of those things that will vary a lot person to person based on how you generally respond to internal vs external pressure and structure or lack thereof, so maybe anecdata isn't of much use here), Baby 2 was BY FAR the hardest in terms of finding time to work on her research: with totally open schedule and no external deadlines, it felt simply impossible for her not to prioritize the needs of her infant over the needs of her work. With Baby 1, because there was still some external scheduling and accountability (seminars, papers due, etc.), it was actually easier (for her) to carve out time for her work while caring for baby. None of it was EASY, of course, but in her experience, baby-before-quals was easier going than baby after. YMMV, of course, but this is what I witnessed!
posted by Dorinda at 1:50 PM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would really, really, REALLY encourage you to not undervalue the nearness and availability of your support network (whether that be family or otherwise) during the early months/years of your potential baby's life. My baby is 11 months, and though we moved closer to family before becoming pregnant (for exactly this reason), the pandemic + international border crossing meant that despite being only about a 3-hour drive away, our family was effectively non-existent to us for the majority of the baby's first year. This was incredibly hard. Harder than I had any idea it would be. I am tough, and independent, and hate asking for help for ANYTHING, but this was too much for me. I would not ever consider having another baby without ensuring that we had NEARBY AND AVAILABLE support systems in place first. If you have close friends that can fill in for family where you are currently, then that mitigates the issue, but I really, really, REALLY think that the support question is paramount as you think through your options. Obviously people can and do care for newborns without good support networks, but holy fuck is that turning the difficulty dial up exponentially.
As for the PhD, I will draw on my friend's experience to suggest that waiting until after your quals/comps is not necessarily the best or only option. You don't mention what field you are in, but in my humanities program, time after quals is time to GET THE DISS DONE, and get out of there. While this means that yes, you do have a lot of flexibility, it also means that it is MUCH harder to segregate your caretaking responsibilities and prioritize your work/academic responsibilities. My friend had one baby during her final year of coursework (so, year 2 of the program), one baby during the early stages of writing her diss (around year 4), and one baby at the verrrrry end of the program (year 5). In her anecdotal experience (and this really feels like one of those things that will vary a lot person to person based on how you generally respond to internal vs external pressure and structure or lack thereof, so maybe anecdata isn't of much use here), Baby 2 was BY FAR the hardest in terms of finding time to work on her research: with totally open schedule and no external deadlines, it felt simply impossible for her not to prioritize the needs of her infant over the needs of her work. With Baby 1, because there was still some external scheduling and accountability (seminars, papers due, etc.), it was actually easier (for her) to carve out time for her work while caring for baby. None of it was EASY, of course, but in her experience, baby-before-quals was easier going than baby after. YMMV, of course, but this is what I witnessed!
posted by Dorinda at 1:50 PM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you know you want to have a baby, have the baby sooner rather than later. Being near family will be more important and more helpful when the baby is older, unless you genuinely cannot afford any childcare with your current employment (in which case I'm concerned that even being 3 hours from your parents, on a phd salary, is not going to help). Plan to pay for childcare to smooth over the challenges of not having nearby relatives.
My personal experience with having children is that, if nothing goes terribly wrong, you can probably roll with the punches of normal childbearing challenges like sleep deprivation etc whatever your circumstances, especially if you have a good and genuinely engaged partner. Of course, nothing going terribly wrong is far from guaranteed, but it is hard to plan for the worst.
The thing is, 35 isn't that old, and you will probably be able to get pregnant at that age, but if you somehow have trouble you will spend the rest of your life kicking yourself for not trying earlier. You know you want to have a baby. You sound like you're in a perfectly good situation to have a baby. It's not the perfect situation, but it's pretty rare that we get to be in the perfect situation ever in our lives. You can have the baby now, move back closer to your parents when the child is still in preschool, and they will have many joyful years near relatives.
posted by ch1x0r at 6:37 PM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
My personal experience with having children is that, if nothing goes terribly wrong, you can probably roll with the punches of normal childbearing challenges like sleep deprivation etc whatever your circumstances, especially if you have a good and genuinely engaged partner. Of course, nothing going terribly wrong is far from guaranteed, but it is hard to plan for the worst.
The thing is, 35 isn't that old, and you will probably be able to get pregnant at that age, but if you somehow have trouble you will spend the rest of your life kicking yourself for not trying earlier. You know you want to have a baby. You sound like you're in a perfectly good situation to have a baby. It's not the perfect situation, but it's pretty rare that we get to be in the perfect situation ever in our lives. You can have the baby now, move back closer to your parents when the child is still in preschool, and they will have many joyful years near relatives.
posted by ch1x0r at 6:37 PM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
When I was a grad student, there was literally zero provision for parental leave until we tried to unionize and then, lo and behold, a policy materialized. In that scenario, you're at the mercy of the department and your advisor. You are almost certainly better protected at your current employer--your current employer acknowledges that you're an employee!
No one in my year gave birth. A handful had partners give birth. Their advisors likely tried to find them RA positions so they didn't have to teach that semester. The few people I knew of who gave birth as grad students did so while ABD, however it's worth noting that most of the department came straight from undergrad--there just weren't that many of us in situations where planned pregnancies were likely.
posted by hoyland at 7:28 PM on June 14, 2022
No one in my year gave birth. A handful had partners give birth. Their advisors likely tried to find them RA positions so they didn't have to teach that semester. The few people I knew of who gave birth as grad students did so while ABD, however it's worth noting that most of the department came straight from undergrad--there just weren't that many of us in situations where planned pregnancies were likely.
posted by hoyland at 7:28 PM on June 14, 2022
My daughter had twins while in a masters program at MIT. It extended the time required by at least 6 months. The school was accommodating, but one of the leaders had twins, so was aware of the difficulties. Your plan to separate coursework and pregnancy/ new motherhood is a good one.
posted by SemiSalt at 4:33 AM on June 15, 2022
posted by SemiSalt at 4:33 AM on June 15, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
The general consensus from them is, if you're thinking of a career in academia, then it's best to get your PhD now. Even applying for and getting tenure is possible when you have young children to care for but (according to them) the PhD itself would have been very taxing with young kids around. However, if your goal is a career in industry, then get the baby stuff done with ASAP so your career trajectory post-baby has fewer interruptions.
Final note: there's tons of people on Twitter etc. who say they got their PhD at the same time as they had babies and small kids. None of this is impossible. Both your goals in life are possible to pull off simultaneously, too, even if it will be an exhausting period of your life, but hell, what's life if not this?
posted by MiraK at 10:23 AM on June 14, 2022