What makes your life meaningful?
June 12, 2022 2:43 AM Subscribe
What are some aspects of your life which make it feel worthwhile?
I'm really struggling right now with how tedious life can be.
Between a month of near constant sickness, and wet and cold weather (it's winter here), I'm just feeling like all I do is work, do housework, work on repeat.
I have one hobby which I do once or twice a week (when not sick).
I don't have friends anymore due to distance and life circumstance and I don't know how you're supposed to make friends if you are sick and can't even leave the house.
I'm really struggling right now with how tedious life can be.
Between a month of near constant sickness, and wet and cold weather (it's winter here), I'm just feeling like all I do is work, do housework, work on repeat.
I have one hobby which I do once or twice a week (when not sick).
I don't have friends anymore due to distance and life circumstance and I don't know how you're supposed to make friends if you are sick and can't even leave the house.
I find meaning in two things: social relationships, and creative projects.
I've been starting to feel like life is work, housework, repeat so I've been making a particular effort to start drawing again. Even though the housework wasn't finished and I should be doing that instead. Even though my brain hated doing it and I had to force myself to continue. And I am just now starting to enjoy it again, but I've nearly finished my current thing and the satisfaction feels like I've done something meaningful even though the creative process was like pulling teeth.
I also maintain some friendships online through a regular online gaming group. I have friends who do something similar with an online D&D session. My husband has just joined some sort of WWE written roleplaying thing he's quite excited about. I really enjoyed doing 10 minute drawing challenges with friends and then comparing the results. So I would suggest seeing if there are any online groups you can be active in for your own hobbies or interests.
I also deeply love reading, in a way that feels meaningful to me. I forget for a while, sometimes, how much I love it and need to make a deliberate effort to find new books.
Volunteering may not be an option for you, but community things really contribute to a sense of well-being. My grandmother knitted for premature babies and church sales. Care homes sometimes encourage card writing or pen pals. I've baked things and dropped them round to try get to know the neighbours.
I'm sorry, I've answered your first question very literally and I don't know if it's helpful to you. I agree, making new friends is very, very hard. But I am a difficult weirdo. Sometimes reconnecting with old friends can work out, if that's a possibility.
posted by stillnocturnal at 4:14 AM on June 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
I've been starting to feel like life is work, housework, repeat so I've been making a particular effort to start drawing again. Even though the housework wasn't finished and I should be doing that instead. Even though my brain hated doing it and I had to force myself to continue. And I am just now starting to enjoy it again, but I've nearly finished my current thing and the satisfaction feels like I've done something meaningful even though the creative process was like pulling teeth.
I also maintain some friendships online through a regular online gaming group. I have friends who do something similar with an online D&D session. My husband has just joined some sort of WWE written roleplaying thing he's quite excited about. I really enjoyed doing 10 minute drawing challenges with friends and then comparing the results. So I would suggest seeing if there are any online groups you can be active in for your own hobbies or interests.
I also deeply love reading, in a way that feels meaningful to me. I forget for a while, sometimes, how much I love it and need to make a deliberate effort to find new books.
Volunteering may not be an option for you, but community things really contribute to a sense of well-being. My grandmother knitted for premature babies and church sales. Care homes sometimes encourage card writing or pen pals. I've baked things and dropped them round to try get to know the neighbours.
I'm sorry, I've answered your first question very literally and I don't know if it's helpful to you. I agree, making new friends is very, very hard. But I am a difficult weirdo. Sometimes reconnecting with old friends can work out, if that's a possibility.
posted by stillnocturnal at 4:14 AM on June 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
Get a dog!
posted by phunniemee at 5:34 AM on June 12, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 5:34 AM on June 12, 2022 [14 favorites]
I feel for you. I believe humans were meant to do so much more than work/maintain a household. The above answers are all very good.
What has worked for me in the past in similar situations is appreciating art. Seriously. I believe if you cannot connect with friends or a "third group" of people (i.e. not family and not work colleagues), well, thanks to the internet, it has never been easier to access, enjoy and peruse all of humanity's greatest and most beautiful works of art. It is amazing to look them over and think about the human skill that went into designing them.
I make an effort at least once a week to 1) read and try to memorize at least one line from a poem - the Poetry Foundation has thousands of poems in an easy to read format (this week it was John Keats's On First Looking Into Chapman's Homer) 2) watch on Youtube a performance of some piece of music - for instance, the Netherlands Bach Society is uploading HD-quality videos of every single piece JS Bach wrote, here's the Second Brandenburg Concerto and 3) spend 10 minutes looking at an artwork - the Metropolitan Museum of Art has high quality images from its collection, like Giotto's Adoration of the Magi from 1320.
By chance I have selected Western art, but you do not need to restrict yourself to that.
Good luck.
posted by fortitude25 at 5:42 AM on June 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
What has worked for me in the past in similar situations is appreciating art. Seriously. I believe if you cannot connect with friends or a "third group" of people (i.e. not family and not work colleagues), well, thanks to the internet, it has never been easier to access, enjoy and peruse all of humanity's greatest and most beautiful works of art. It is amazing to look them over and think about the human skill that went into designing them.
I make an effort at least once a week to 1) read and try to memorize at least one line from a poem - the Poetry Foundation has thousands of poems in an easy to read format (this week it was John Keats's On First Looking Into Chapman's Homer) 2) watch on Youtube a performance of some piece of music - for instance, the Netherlands Bach Society is uploading HD-quality videos of every single piece JS Bach wrote, here's the Second Brandenburg Concerto and 3) spend 10 minutes looking at an artwork - the Metropolitan Museum of Art has high quality images from its collection, like Giotto's Adoration of the Magi from 1320.
By chance I have selected Western art, but you do not need to restrict yourself to that.
Good luck.
posted by fortitude25 at 5:42 AM on June 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
Lots of great ideas already. It's hard to maintain a feeling of meaning in life when you're socially isolated, and it's very hard to make new friends if you can't leave the house. I think online communities may be helpful for you - though it's a real effort to find the right ones. I don't know what your hobby is, but there are almost certainly others interested in it you can find online. I also am on an online support board specific to my health issues, and though it can be frustrating at times, I have made some real-life friendships through it.
I think a good question to ask yourself might be what did you love when you were younger - was there anything that excited you before adult life got in the way? Can you go back to it now in some small way and try it out? A lot of people give up on their early interests because they feel they aren't good enough or there's no way to earn a living at it or it seems childish to have crazy dreams. But what you loved when you were a child or teenager can tell you something essential about yourself and give you something to explore.
I find meaning through art (writing in my case) and religion (which is not for everyone, of course). I have also found a volunteer project I can do at home - writing cards to people who've requested them (mostly elderly and/or in nursing homes). I do that through my church, but there are a lot of organizations looking for volunteers to send cards and letters - including to prisoners and people in the military (google "letters to" with elderly or shut-ins or prisoners or soldiers). I think doing even something that small for others can make your life feel more meaningful - and that's one thing you can do even if you can't leave your house. I send one card a week - which is not overwhelming at all, but still makes me feel like I'm bringing a bright spot into people's lives (all people getting cards have requested them). If you have some money, Books for Soldiers lets you send books and other items to military folks. There are also charities for sending books to prisoners. You can google "online volunteer opportunities" or make that a separate Ask - I would expect people here to have ideas. I don't know anything more meaningful than helping other people.
Podcasts I find inspirational are also helpful for me - mine are very specific to my interests (veganism, religion, writing), so I won't name them. But there are a million podcasts on different subjects (those related to your interests could also be a good topic for an Ask).
Good luck. This stuff is hard.
posted by FencingGal at 5:49 AM on June 12, 2022 [13 favorites]
I think a good question to ask yourself might be what did you love when you were younger - was there anything that excited you before adult life got in the way? Can you go back to it now in some small way and try it out? A lot of people give up on their early interests because they feel they aren't good enough or there's no way to earn a living at it or it seems childish to have crazy dreams. But what you loved when you were a child or teenager can tell you something essential about yourself and give you something to explore.
I find meaning through art (writing in my case) and religion (which is not for everyone, of course). I have also found a volunteer project I can do at home - writing cards to people who've requested them (mostly elderly and/or in nursing homes). I do that through my church, but there are a lot of organizations looking for volunteers to send cards and letters - including to prisoners and people in the military (google "letters to" with elderly or shut-ins or prisoners or soldiers). I think doing even something that small for others can make your life feel more meaningful - and that's one thing you can do even if you can't leave your house. I send one card a week - which is not overwhelming at all, but still makes me feel like I'm bringing a bright spot into people's lives (all people getting cards have requested them). If you have some money, Books for Soldiers lets you send books and other items to military folks. There are also charities for sending books to prisoners. You can google "online volunteer opportunities" or make that a separate Ask - I would expect people here to have ideas. I don't know anything more meaningful than helping other people.
Podcasts I find inspirational are also helpful for me - mine are very specific to my interests (veganism, religion, writing), so I won't name them. But there are a million podcasts on different subjects (those related to your interests could also be a good topic for an Ask).
Good luck. This stuff is hard.
posted by FencingGal at 5:49 AM on June 12, 2022 [13 favorites]
Between the illness and the weather, you are probably physically programmed to feel low right now.
I agree with the idea of doing creative things. I started writing fiction early in the pandemic and ended up joining some groups online. Jami Attenberg's #1000words of summer was the first. It's a hashtag on Twitter and it's actually going on now. Even if writing is not your thing, I suggest looking at it and subscribing to Attenberg's newsletter. She's a successful fiction writer and memoirist but even more, I think, she's full of good advice and she sets a good example of how to lead a creative, fulfilling life.
But I also want to say, don't push yourself too hard. I went through an awful winter the year my father died, and it didn't seem possible, or even appropriate in a way, to try to do too much. All I made myself do, every day, was take a walk in a park near my house and photograph one thing that was a little bit pleasing or interesting to keep as a sort of diary of that time. Looking back now, I remember the sad feelings but I remember the images more.
My advice is, find some little thing that makes you happy, and hang in there. And maybe see a physician, because it sounds like you are physically low. My doctor would tell you to take Vitamin D; she's got a thing about that. Yours might tell you something else.
posted by BibiRose at 6:10 AM on June 12, 2022 [15 favorites]
I agree with the idea of doing creative things. I started writing fiction early in the pandemic and ended up joining some groups online. Jami Attenberg's #1000words of summer was the first. It's a hashtag on Twitter and it's actually going on now. Even if writing is not your thing, I suggest looking at it and subscribing to Attenberg's newsletter. She's a successful fiction writer and memoirist but even more, I think, she's full of good advice and she sets a good example of how to lead a creative, fulfilling life.
But I also want to say, don't push yourself too hard. I went through an awful winter the year my father died, and it didn't seem possible, or even appropriate in a way, to try to do too much. All I made myself do, every day, was take a walk in a park near my house and photograph one thing that was a little bit pleasing or interesting to keep as a sort of diary of that time. Looking back now, I remember the sad feelings but I remember the images more.
My advice is, find some little thing that makes you happy, and hang in there. And maybe see a physician, because it sounds like you are physically low. My doctor would tell you to take Vitamin D; she's got a thing about that. Yours might tell you something else.
posted by BibiRose at 6:10 AM on June 12, 2022 [15 favorites]
My faith community provides a lovely sense of meaning for me. I am not particularly observant and don't attend many services, but I partake in study groups, service projects and other get together a where purpose and meaning are all intentionally integrated into the event. If you don't belong to a faith you might try to find a humanist group near you.
I also feel a sense of meaning when I work in my garden. Growing thing to eat or to feed pollinators, watching the things I plant (mostly) flourish. Even pulling weeds. It is meditation for me and I always feel good after spending a few hours in my yard.
posted by brookeb at 8:16 AM on June 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
I also feel a sense of meaning when I work in my garden. Growing thing to eat or to feed pollinators, watching the things I plant (mostly) flourish. Even pulling weeds. It is meditation for me and I always feel good after spending a few hours in my yard.
posted by brookeb at 8:16 AM on June 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
I try to leave things a little better than when I found them. People and places, too.
posted by box at 8:18 AM on June 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by box at 8:18 AM on June 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
My cat gives me a lot of meaning. Pets are good company.
posted by NotLost at 8:31 AM on June 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by NotLost at 8:31 AM on June 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
I have tried to do and organize small acts of direct service to make me feel my life is meaningful. Some examples of things that felt meaningful to me in a lasting way:
My community has an 'other bank' for people who need hygiene supplies like tampons and pads and toothpaste. I put out a donation box in the staff room at my workplace, told people about it, and said I would drop it off and also deliver any monetary donations.
There is a local Facebook group organizing around abortion rights. I share their posts and respond to posts in the group, and sometimes add people as friends and comment on other things they post in their feed. I volunteered to make a flyer in Canva for an abortion rights event, and went even though the weather was rainy and it was outdoors.
Adopting a sea turtle nest symbolically (through a donation to a charity) and getting a letter telling me how many of the turtles from that nest made it to the ocean.
I think all of these things made me feel life was meaningful because they increased my sense of efficacy in the world. I love reading and going on small hikes and having pets, which also create meaning, but often the world feels full of overwhelming bad news and the ability to take small individual positive actions seems to do more for me to maintain a sense that my life is meaningful.
posted by lizard music at 9:15 AM on June 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
My community has an 'other bank' for people who need hygiene supplies like tampons and pads and toothpaste. I put out a donation box in the staff room at my workplace, told people about it, and said I would drop it off and also deliver any monetary donations.
There is a local Facebook group organizing around abortion rights. I share their posts and respond to posts in the group, and sometimes add people as friends and comment on other things they post in their feed. I volunteered to make a flyer in Canva for an abortion rights event, and went even though the weather was rainy and it was outdoors.
Adopting a sea turtle nest symbolically (through a donation to a charity) and getting a letter telling me how many of the turtles from that nest made it to the ocean.
I think all of these things made me feel life was meaningful because they increased my sense of efficacy in the world. I love reading and going on small hikes and having pets, which also create meaning, but often the world feels full of overwhelming bad news and the ability to take small individual positive actions seems to do more for me to maintain a sense that my life is meaningful.
posted by lizard music at 9:15 AM on June 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
Loving my husband, giving our daughter a magical childhood, supporting my brother despite our distance and rocky history, finding inspiration in the whimsical art and beautiful writing I come across, deepening my relationship with God through prayer and sacraments
posted by tackypink at 9:46 AM on June 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by tackypink at 9:46 AM on June 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
My pets, my grown children, my husband, my chosen family, my hobbies, my job (I work at a non-profit doing really good things for the community), walking in nature, seeing art, listening to music, eating good food.
posted by cooker girl at 9:57 AM on June 12, 2022
posted by cooker girl at 9:57 AM on June 12, 2022
This sounds like depression. medication helps a lot, except right now I'm having an allergic reaction, possibly to zoloft, so ain't life grand.
We get a certain amount of time here; I try to remember that and eat delicious food, drink good beer and wine and even some nice bourbon, not to excess, see art and nature as clearly as possible, listen to music and read books with attention. Make lists of my okay and good qualities, because it's good to remember that I've done things.
Stimulate curiosity by learning and growing as much as I can. I got a new dog, because previous dog died a while ago. This is helping me so much. Covid & isolation has been really, really difficult. Call a friend.
Some people go nuts with self-care but I think you need it. Get a good book, curl up whit good tea, a blanket and a scone. Or whatever version of that feels good. Take vitamin D. dress warmly and go for a walk; it's miserable to start but feels better. Hugs, if you want 'em.
posted by theora55 at 10:03 AM on June 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
We get a certain amount of time here; I try to remember that and eat delicious food, drink good beer and wine and even some nice bourbon, not to excess, see art and nature as clearly as possible, listen to music and read books with attention. Make lists of my okay and good qualities, because it's good to remember that I've done things.
Stimulate curiosity by learning and growing as much as I can. I got a new dog, because previous dog died a while ago. This is helping me so much. Covid & isolation has been really, really difficult. Call a friend.
Some people go nuts with self-care but I think you need it. Get a good book, curl up whit good tea, a blanket and a scone. Or whatever version of that feels good. Take vitamin D. dress warmly and go for a walk; it's miserable to start but feels better. Hugs, if you want 'em.
posted by theora55 at 10:03 AM on June 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
One things that crops up repeatedly amongst people who feel that their life is fulfilling, is doing something for others. The answers above seem to bear that out.
Doing good - whether that's volunteering for a charity or good cause, looking after a pet, picking up litter, advocating for something you believe in, or any act of kindness no matter how big or small - feels meaningful. To misquote (whoever said it), "We are what we repeatedly do; a meaningful life, then, is not an act but a habit."
There are lots of opportunities to do good even if you're stuck in the house. Try finding a citizen science project that interests you, and contribute to the sum of mankind's knowledge. Volunteer to record an audiobook for the blind. Find a local group on Facebook that campaigns for something you believe in, and join. Or just look for "volunteer in [name of your area]" and see what comes back.
If you're religious then some of the other answers will have you covered, but if you're not: What is the point of life if you're essentially just an (intelligent, conscious) animal whose existence will end when you die? Well, the chances are you won't be remembered by anyone 100 years after your death. Neither will virtually anyone else, for that matter. And in 1000 years' time? Literally 1, maybe 2 people from this century will be remembered, but quite possibly no-one.
With that in mind, something that brings me meaning is knowing that I don't matter, and neither does anyone else. So I choose to be good, to do good, to try to tip the scales an infinitesimal amount towards what I think is good by doing good things and encouraging others to do the same. It is all any of us can really do. A favorite sci-fi quote (from SG-1) "The universe is vast and we are so small. There is only one thing we can truly control. Whether we are good, or evil."
No matter how cliche that might sound to some people, meaning for me is choosing to be good, and trying to be better every day. That is the one choice I can make no matter what the circumstances of my life.
posted by underclocked at 10:31 AM on June 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
Doing good - whether that's volunteering for a charity or good cause, looking after a pet, picking up litter, advocating for something you believe in, or any act of kindness no matter how big or small - feels meaningful. To misquote (whoever said it), "We are what we repeatedly do; a meaningful life, then, is not an act but a habit."
There are lots of opportunities to do good even if you're stuck in the house. Try finding a citizen science project that interests you, and contribute to the sum of mankind's knowledge. Volunteer to record an audiobook for the blind. Find a local group on Facebook that campaigns for something you believe in, and join. Or just look for "volunteer in [name of your area]" and see what comes back.
If you're religious then some of the other answers will have you covered, but if you're not: What is the point of life if you're essentially just an (intelligent, conscious) animal whose existence will end when you die? Well, the chances are you won't be remembered by anyone 100 years after your death. Neither will virtually anyone else, for that matter. And in 1000 years' time? Literally 1, maybe 2 people from this century will be remembered, but quite possibly no-one.
With that in mind, something that brings me meaning is knowing that I don't matter, and neither does anyone else. So I choose to be good, to do good, to try to tip the scales an infinitesimal amount towards what I think is good by doing good things and encouraging others to do the same. It is all any of us can really do. A favorite sci-fi quote (from SG-1) "The universe is vast and we are so small. There is only one thing we can truly control. Whether we are good, or evil."
No matter how cliche that might sound to some people, meaning for me is choosing to be good, and trying to be better every day. That is the one choice I can make no matter what the circumstances of my life.
posted by underclocked at 10:31 AM on June 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
What works for me is making things and then either sharing the result (giving it away) or the process (teaching others, for example by making a tutorial).
Sharing knowledge is always good. Facilitating sharing of knowledge (for example, by moderating a forum) is great!
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:58 AM on June 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Sharing knowledge is always good. Facilitating sharing of knowledge (for example, by moderating a forum) is great!
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:58 AM on June 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I have felt this too and it Really Helped Me to remove some of the repetitive housework from my life. Decluttering so there were less items to care for, getting a dishwasher, getting more hampers to pre-sort my laundry as I undress, and hiring help with housekeeping. Minimizing the time spent on those tasks - even spending money to do so when I didn’t have much money - was worth it and made a huge difference to my quality of life.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:07 AM on June 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:07 AM on June 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
what has worked for me is taking up a thing I always wanted to be as a kid, which is an orchestral musician. I took up the cello at age 38 and joined a community orchestra not long after that, and I have a large and very close knit group of friends who are all music enthusiasts and who make my life a joy. Plus making music is so rewarding by itself that it gives my life a lot more purpose and meaning than it would otherwise have.
posted by hollisimo at 11:56 AM on June 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by hollisimo at 11:56 AM on June 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm wondering about your month of sickness? Have you seen your physician? Please do. Also, are you eating well? Brewers' yeast is a good supplement which I first started using years ago while breast feeding, and have continued to use as it provides vitamins, especially B vites, for energy and healing.
Yes, life gets tedious sometimes, for us all. We learned during the height of the pandemic how important friends, family, and community are to our wellbeing. Also important are the arts. Music of all kinds, good literature, painting and sculpture are wonderful antidotes to loneliness and boredom. When you feel well enough, physical activity releases those good endorphins---even a brisk 20 minute walk will enliven your entire day. A cup of tea and a dog or cat curled up beside you works wonders, as well. Try to stay away from marathon tv watching.
My grandma invoked a maxim from the Stoics when she had a full house of teenage girls, albeit a totally different kind of stress from what you are undergoing: "This too will pass." Yes, it will. Your black and white world will resume its technicolor wonders, as eventually peace and drama-less days were restored to her. Hang in there!
posted by ragtimepiano at 6:53 PM on June 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Yes, life gets tedious sometimes, for us all. We learned during the height of the pandemic how important friends, family, and community are to our wellbeing. Also important are the arts. Music of all kinds, good literature, painting and sculpture are wonderful antidotes to loneliness and boredom. When you feel well enough, physical activity releases those good endorphins---even a brisk 20 minute walk will enliven your entire day. A cup of tea and a dog or cat curled up beside you works wonders, as well. Try to stay away from marathon tv watching.
My grandma invoked a maxim from the Stoics when she had a full house of teenage girls, albeit a totally different kind of stress from what you are undergoing: "This too will pass." Yes, it will. Your black and white world will resume its technicolor wonders, as eventually peace and drama-less days were restored to her. Hang in there!
posted by ragtimepiano at 6:53 PM on June 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
PS: Try subscribing to Maria Popova's "The Marginalian", newsletter@brainpickings.org--for reminders of all the marvels of the outer and inner worlds!
posted by ragtimepiano at 7:01 PM on June 12, 2022
posted by ragtimepiano at 7:01 PM on June 12, 2022
There are worse answers to the Meaning of Life than The Meaning of Life, and laughing improves your breathing.
posted by theora55 at 8:04 PM on June 12, 2022
posted by theora55 at 8:04 PM on June 12, 2022
This isn't an answer to what makes life meaningful, but... when I have found myself in a place that mentally and emotionally could be described in ways as you have described where you're at, I have found it useful to make a sudden and somewhat senseless-appearing grab for agency. One example is: screw it, I am going put Work on hold for this morning and/or afternoon, and go do ONE THING that is A Thing For Me, and me only. Rather than continue turning the crank for the thousandth time, an effort whose effect meant (at that moment) nothing to me beyond Necessity and Obligation, I would instead do something else, even if small and perhaps meaningless in the big scheme of things, because doing that -- not the small thing, but me making the choice to do THAT and not any more of that other crap -- would put be back in the driver's seat. One time, it was simply grabbing those items of long-overdue dry cleaning, getting the car, ticking that thing off the damn list, getting a laugh from the friendly dude at the cleaners, and then stopping on the way home in a quiet place and sitting in my car and enjoying the scenery.
It's a reset. A perspective reset. A break in the inertia. One that can allow us to then, subsequently, act in a manner very different than we had been previously, and sometimes that's key to changing our perspective just enough that we can start to see things, and their meanings, in a different and better light.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 8:12 PM on June 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
It's a reset. A perspective reset. A break in the inertia. One that can allow us to then, subsequently, act in a manner very different than we had been previously, and sometimes that's key to changing our perspective just enough that we can start to see things, and their meanings, in a different and better light.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 8:12 PM on June 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
I find meaning in pleasure. I am largely bed bound and it was very difficult to redefine my life away from all the things suggested above. As I am queer, I have access to the wonderful internet queer community which has been very into rest and pleasure for a long time. My life needs to be meaningful TO ME, not to some greater something. I bead and weave and take photos, but not because I am making Art To Mean Something but because it makes me happy to see the colors and touch the materials. I write weird shit posts on Tumblr because it brings me amusement. I have lowered my standards for absolutely everything in life EXCEPT the things that bring me joy or make me feel good or more embodied (in ways that feel good).
If you are cold, I have found that often contributes to me feeling like everything is meaningless and I recommend tea and heated blankets and warm socks and hot baths or showers so you feel warmth in your core. The housework can wait while you revel in this one holy life you are living in this one glorious body you have.
posted by Bottlecap at 10:06 PM on June 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you are cold, I have found that often contributes to me feeling like everything is meaningless and I recommend tea and heated blankets and warm socks and hot baths or showers so you feel warmth in your core. The housework can wait while you revel in this one holy life you are living in this one glorious body you have.
posted by Bottlecap at 10:06 PM on June 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
When I'm in that sort of place I lean into hedonism. As much as possible, I do whatever I can think of that will feel best in that given moment. Take the long shower, eat the chocolate, enjoy your one wild and precious life as much as you can.
posted by metasarah at 7:32 AM on June 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by metasarah at 7:32 AM on June 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
Other people have started recommending ways to buckle down on comfort and coziness, and I do as well.
Another thing that you could do is simple, and would involve at the very least the exact computer you have right now - letting yourself read about stuff, whatever stuff that strikes your fancy. Pick some random weird thing you've always wondered about, and start with the Wikipedia article about it and start reading. Then go on to the list of sources they have at the bottom of the article and read those. If something in the article catches your attention and you end up more interested in that, go read about that. And so on.
This is what I did during downtime at day jobs before I found Metafilter. I'd go Wikisurfing - I'd start with an article about stuff like a list of people who disappeared under mysterious circumstances, or a list of unidentified deceased people, and from that I'd learn about things like the Tamam Shud case - but then reading about the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam mentioned in that case, I'd go start reading about that instead, and that would send me on a review of Sufi literature and poetry, which in turn would lead me to....
You know? Indulge your curiosity and follow it where it goes. It may skip around a whole lot of different subjects like that, or it may stick with one subject and take me on a deep dive there. That's how I ended up learning knitting, I started reading about things I could knit and that lead me to a few "teach yourself knitting" web sites and the more I read the more I wanted to try and soon I was getting my coat and heading out to a craft store to get needles and yarn.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:53 AM on June 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
Another thing that you could do is simple, and would involve at the very least the exact computer you have right now - letting yourself read about stuff, whatever stuff that strikes your fancy. Pick some random weird thing you've always wondered about, and start with the Wikipedia article about it and start reading. Then go on to the list of sources they have at the bottom of the article and read those. If something in the article catches your attention and you end up more interested in that, go read about that. And so on.
This is what I did during downtime at day jobs before I found Metafilter. I'd go Wikisurfing - I'd start with an article about stuff like a list of people who disappeared under mysterious circumstances, or a list of unidentified deceased people, and from that I'd learn about things like the Tamam Shud case - but then reading about the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam mentioned in that case, I'd go start reading about that instead, and that would send me on a review of Sufi literature and poetry, which in turn would lead me to....
You know? Indulge your curiosity and follow it where it goes. It may skip around a whole lot of different subjects like that, or it may stick with one subject and take me on a deep dive there. That's how I ended up learning knitting, I started reading about things I could knit and that lead me to a few "teach yourself knitting" web sites and the more I read the more I wanted to try and soon I was getting my coat and heading out to a craft store to get needles and yarn.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:53 AM on June 13, 2022 [1 favorite]
I found reading Katherine May's Wintering helpful in reorienting my perspective to periods in my life like this. My life now is a lot better than it was four months ago as a result of the small seeds I planted during that time. But it was very hard getting through the period where I'd gone to all the effort of planting the seeds and nothing was happening. The book helped me view these kinds of periods as cyclical, not linear.
posted by happyfrog at 2:53 PM on June 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by happyfrog at 2:53 PM on June 13, 2022 [2 favorites]
My main hobby is fandom and it brings my life a lot of joy and connection. I'm part of several discords around my main fandoms, am connected with people on AO3 and Tumblr, and get to make neat work to share with them. And enjoy all the neat stuff everyone else is making. There's a lot of online chances to just talk and check in too, which I've been missing with not seeing people outside my family much.
So maybe lean in to your hobby more and find a way to connect to other people doing it. The latest thing I got excited about was making a thing mostly for other fans and it's been so neat to start to share it and see that they do want the thing I made for them.
You might also try checking in with some of those old friends, if you still like them. You'd be surprised at who's happy to hear from you after a long absence because they've been having a hard time keeping in touch with everyone, but yay, you reached out. And honestly, same for family that you like. Find time to connect with them.
posted by blueberry monster at 7:35 PM on June 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
So maybe lean in to your hobby more and find a way to connect to other people doing it. The latest thing I got excited about was making a thing mostly for other fans and it's been so neat to start to share it and see that they do want the thing I made for them.
You might also try checking in with some of those old friends, if you still like them. You'd be surprised at who's happy to hear from you after a long absence because they've been having a hard time keeping in touch with everyone, but yay, you reached out. And honestly, same for family that you like. Find time to connect with them.
posted by blueberry monster at 7:35 PM on June 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
I have no answer for you. But I found this perspective, from The Conversation today, interesting if not directly helpful:
While I don’t believe positive psychology is a conspiracy promoted by capitalist companies, I do believe that we don’t have full control over our happiness, and that striving for it can make people quite miserable rather than happy. Instructing a person to be happy is not much different than asking them not to think of a pink elephant – in both cases their mind can easily go in the opposite direction. In the former case, not being able to fulfil the goal to be happy adds substantial frustration and self-blame.
And then comes the question of whether happiness is really the most important value in life. Is it even something stable that can last over time? The answer to these questions were given more than a hundred years ago by the American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson: “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
posted by Bella Donna at 3:39 AM on June 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
While I don’t believe positive psychology is a conspiracy promoted by capitalist companies, I do believe that we don’t have full control over our happiness, and that striving for it can make people quite miserable rather than happy. Instructing a person to be happy is not much different than asking them not to think of a pink elephant – in both cases their mind can easily go in the opposite direction. In the former case, not being able to fulfil the goal to be happy adds substantial frustration and self-blame.
And then comes the question of whether happiness is really the most important value in life. Is it even something stable that can last over time? The answer to these questions were given more than a hundred years ago by the American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson: “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
posted by Bella Donna at 3:39 AM on June 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oh, I like that, Bella Donna. I changed my goal many years ago from happiness to contentedness, and ever since there's been so much less pressure and so much more to enjoy.
I found this yesterday and it made me remember this question. It's from Anne's House of Dreams by LM Montgomery:
I found this yesterday and it made me remember this question. It's from Anne's House of Dreams by LM Montgomery:
“I'd like to add some beauty to life," said Anne dreamily. "I don't exactly want to make people KNOW more... though I know that IS the noblest ambition... but I'd love to make them have a pleasanter time because of me... to have some little joy or happy thought that would never have existed if I hadn't been born.”posted by mochapickle at 4:41 AM on June 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
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I've been where you are. And while it seems - from the way you are writing - that you are lacking (not enough friends, not enough fun, not enough serenity), in some ways you also have too much of something: Too much time at home, driving yourself nuts wondering what to do.
If you have time to grieve or to struggle, it means you also have time to explore and try new things: Who says your hobby have to be only once a week? Try something new you can do on your own at home, like learning to cook? (If you are too sick for a big fancy meal, why not learn how to make a small treat that takes a long time to get perfect, like home made no churn ice cream that only requires cream, milk and fruit but a lot of choices? Or a new skill, like coding or music?
It is indeed really hard to make new friends, and it gets harder the older one gets, and yet - no matter how narrow and specific the interests you have, I can guarantee there is an online community full of strangers who share it, and will happily talk your ear off about it. And from like minded strangers, sometimes friendships develop. There may even be local groups in your city. And possibly Metafilter meetups.
Plus, lots of people would rather have online meetings than to leave the house! You would be surprised.....
Lastly, I don't know how old you are, but I can promise you something: The more time passes, the more you'll come to value time at home, in peace and quiet. When I was young, time alone was torture: I would imagine all the other people out and about, having the time of their lives, etc. I do have a few friends, a wife, animals, etc, but now I can't wait to be at home alone, reading, watching bad films, listening to music. You just got chosen - by life - to find this out earlier than your ex-friends.
PS. If you have a sense of humor, you will enjoy listening to Tig Notaro's comedy. She went through some horrible illnesses (internal bleeding, cancer, etc) and has a wry, deadpan way of making fun of the ordeal. Maybe it will make your own ordeal seem less daunting? As a cancer survivor myself, I found it hilarious. If anything, it might inspire you to write about your journey, for yourself or for us?
I wish you all the best.
posted by Bigbootay. Tay! Tay! Blam! Aargh... at 3:38 AM on June 12, 2022 [19 favorites]