How do you recover from burnout if you just started?

May 24, 2022 10:25 PM

I graduated from grad school during the pandemic near the top of my class. For a long time I scraped by by the skin of my teeth. Now I am working a job I should love, in the field I spent so long trying to get into.... and I am totally and utterly burned out. What do I do?

I was having an incredibly hard year even before the pandemic started. I'm not sure the details matter, but think break ups, school stress, some family drama, an insane and unsafe living situation, a traumatic accident, whatever. Hard stuff, but also largely the kind of difficult things you deal with in your 20s, when life in unstable and always in flux. I also worked and worked and worked to pay for school; I was living on my own and my parents couldn't help much, even if they wanted to.

When 2020 came I was so excited to leave the stress of before behind and start over. We all know what happened instead. It's basically felt like one ridiculous stressor after another for the last two years. Grad school was already hard but doing it during the pandemic felt nearly impossible. I had a remarkably difficult internship working on the frontlines of COVID totally unpaid. Etc etc.

But I graduated. I realized I was burnt out when I first started working at a shitty job not far from where I got to school. I was stressed out all the time, felt totally in over my head, and was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I didn't know what to do; I literally cannot afford to leave the field or get an easier job, so instead I scraped by. After a few months of this, I got what is essentially my dream job in another state, working where I did my first internship. Yay! This is what I wanted and what I worked so hard for all those years.

Except now I'm here and I'm.... still totally burnt out and exhausted. I work at a school for kids with disabilities, namely social and emotional ones (think: teenage boys with severe behavioral problems). This job is so much better than my old one; they are supportive and organized. It is bright and cheerful and full of people always willing to help you out. But holy hell is it hard, too. The kids are unpredictable and sometimes violent. I'm pretty sure one of the teachers had her teeth knocked out by one of my kiddos, a kid I was already afraid of. There is always the risk of getting hurt; people have gotten concussions before. They have a developed crisis team and everyone is trained in "physical management", as they call it, but I am small and new at this and it is just a lot. The kids hit, kick, punch, and scratch regularly. I have to constantly be vigilant in case they rip my hair out of my head or give me a black eye.

But I knew what I was getting myself into. This is what I've wanted for a long time, and it's certainly not my first time dealing with challenging kids. I just did not expect to be so burnt out before I even started, and now I need to go into a really difficult environment mentally, physically, and emotionally when I sometimes feel like I hardly have the energy to take care of myself after how hard the past two years have been. I'm not eating enough or generally taking care of myself the way that I should, though I am trying. Even the smallest, simplest tasks feel impossible to me, like going through my mail or keeping my apartment clean.

Meanwhile I'm here alone. I know no one and this is not my home. I ache for something familiar and safe and warm and predictable. It's not even like I regret coming; I literally got offered my dream job and I really am glad I came here and gave it a chance. But I ache for the comfort of home. I think about it constantly. I miss my family and friends dearly and now my father has been sick and I am worried, always worried. My anxiety has been through the roof and sometimes it is so bad I am paralyzed by it. I am afraid the vigilance I bring to work is seeping into my regular life when I already have stressful things going on. I can't relax.

So what am I supposed to do? We have an EAP program and I plan on calling them. I am definitely not opposed to medication. But is that enough to fix this? I have such a long career ahead of me and I often wonder how I can do this forever. I'm not sure I can. I just started and I am already so exhausted. I fantasize about moving back home and taking a significant pay cut to work at the group home I worked at when I was in school, a job that was easy and predictable and routine (and I loved the residents). But I can't afford that anymore.

Oh, and I have ADHD, if that's relevant. Managing that at work is making this all so much harder.

I guess I am interested in hearing from people who have been or are in a similar situation; how are you dealing with being so so burnt out after COVID and all the general craziness of the last few years? If you started your career burnt out and recovered.... how? I have moments--brief, fleeting moments--where my job is amazing and rewarding. Everyone seems to think I have a lot of potential to be good at this and really help a lot of kids. I hate to think that I could make a measurable difference in kids lives if it weren't for the burnout holding me back.

How do you recover?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total)

If you'd like to go home and work in the group home again, what are the specific financial barriers stopping you?

Because if that sounds good, it is okay to do that. You don't need to use all that education right away or at all and it still isn't a waste. You learned sonething.

It is ok to walk away from the dream job. If it's really your dream, it'll be there for you when you've rested.

If you talk about the financial barriers, maybe we can help you troubleshoot them. But I encourage you to at least take seriously your heart's whisper that you'd like to go home and back to your pre grad school job.
posted by shadygrove at 10:33 PM on May 24, 2022 [2 favorites]

The path you're on is not sustainable. In many ways, that means if you don't address the burnout now, it won't matter that you have a dream job because it will all crumble. Can you take a leave of absence or figure out a way to take a less demanding job for as long as it takes you to resolve the burnout? Burnout is a serious problem and it doesn't go away on its own, it just gets worse. You need rest. A lot of it. Probably for longer than you feel comfortable with, but this is the best time to make a plan to change things. The next best time is tomorrow.

It sounds like you're great at a job that very few people can do and do well. Dream jobs will be available for you after you've recovered and you'll have a chance to actually thrive.
posted by quince at 10:46 PM on May 24, 2022 [6 favorites]

I don’t have anything to offer other than I am with you on the insane and unsafe living, huge upheaval, and then fuck everything, covid just spun everything. It was like one hard hit after another. For me, was seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, then my world was turned upside down again.

I don’t have an answer yet. I fell into a depressive episode; and yes, an antidepressant helped, but I’m still not ok. If anything, the bit of safety and security I have now has left me time to reflect on how fucked up the last few years have been. But the worst is like you, I wanted to be right where I am, and it feels terrible and I’m not doing well* so I can’t even celebrate my successes. And for me; it’s as if covid ripped up my social networks and I’m struggling to connect with new people. I hate it. I wanted so badly to be here (in my case, back in school) and now all I want to do is quit.

I do, however, think it’s the first stage of grieving all I’ve lost in the past few years, especially since covid; not that it wasnt worse for me prior; it’s just covid was one too many big stressors that was enough to kick me when I was down.

I do think it will get better, for me and for you.

*in some ways. In others, I’m doing better than I have for a very very long time. Not sure what that means other than there is a silver lining.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 12:27 AM on May 25, 2022 [2 favorites]

I don't know about the labour market where you are, but where I live, that sort of job you do is grossly underpaid. It requires a lot of formal education, it's demanding and exhausting, and if you are able to go to school that long and afterwards work that hard, you can earn a lot more money elsewhere. It's not something for people who have even the slightest inclination towards opportunism, so employers can only recruit idealists. It's also something that society bitterly needs, and something that can never be automated. Consequently, the field suffers from eternal labour shortage.

The bright side: Where I live, you could walk away from that job now, do whatever suits you for however long you need to, and be reasonably certain to be able to return to the field whenever you feel like it. Society will always need you. Your skills will never be obsolete.

Maybe that's all different where you are, but I wouldn't be horribly surprised if it wasn't. It's feminized labour and that tends to be underpaid all across the world.

I teach bog standard high school, so my work circumstances are somewhat less challenging. But just like you, I also work with kids, and I'm finding that quite a bit easier now that I'm older. My first experiences teaching were such an emotional rollercoaster - very high highs, very low lows - I felt perpetually overwhelmed and out of my depth. So I turned away from teaching at first and took other jobs (still in education, but no longer in the classroom - think curricula development, course design, designing teaching materials, grant writing, administration). I dipped my toes back in eventually, teaching some evening classes in my spare time, but I thought long and hard whether I should leave my cushy office job to go back into full-time teaching since I had such a rough go of it the first time around.

But in my thirties, I did. Of all the jobs I've had, it's the hardest, but also the most rewarding. So I'm glad I went back.

But I'm also glad I did other stuff for a while. Because I also burned out pretty hard in my first job after uni, and the truth is, I just couldn't do a standard 40 hour work week for a couple of years after that. I spent the latter half of my twenties obtaining a very spotty employment history, mostly freelancing, and moved back in with my parents for a while. Slowly, but surely, I got out of my funk and back on track, and I'm now exactly where I planned to be when I started my journey.

You say your parents can't support you much, but they probably could you support you a bit more, if you lived closer to them (although it looks like it might rather be you who would have to support them. Still, at least you wouldn't have to be anxious about not being able to do that). Sure, use all the available support at the place where you currently are. But if it's not enough, taking the more routine job, moving back home to rest and recover is really not a bad option. It doesn't mean that you're giving up on your dream. It doesn't mean you are wasting your edcuation and letting down those kids that need you. Your dream job won't be running away while you recover. There will always be kids that need you.
posted by sohalt at 12:38 AM on May 25, 2022 [4 favorites]

Medication may not be enough to “fix” things but it very well may be enough to help break the spiral you are in. It can help the adhd, it can help the depression. It isn’t a silver bullet but it can be a life preserver. Please look into it, and therapy, if you haven’t.
posted by dpx.mfx at 1:23 AM on May 25, 2022 [1 favorite]

No wonder you’re burnt out! When I graduated from grad school and started working full time at the same job I had part time during grad school (an office job nonetheless that was incredibly low drama), I was burnt out. It took probably a year to get back to normal after finishing my dissertation. You’ve got the pandemic (which has burnt out most of us) and an incredibly stressful job where you don’t feel physically safe.

I echo what quince said - your path is not sustainable.

Do you have time for therapy? Because sometimes high achievers, which you certainly are, get caught up in chasing after lofty goals and checkpoints without taking some time to evaluate happiness. Graduating college - check, getting into grad school - check, graduating at the top - check, dream job - check. And then at the end, when you’ve done everything you’re supposed to have done, when you’ve done all the check marks, you 1) have the loss of these big check marks to guide you and 2) if you aren’t happy, you’re suddenly thinking something is wrong with you, because you followed the plan! You followed a linear path and you did it all, and well, and now you’re supposed to have reached bliss and fulfillment! And on top of all of this, you’re in a very demanding field, that is so necessary but so incredibly draining.

I don’t know where your path will lead. Your body and soul are not happy right now, and it’s important to listen to them. One thing I want to suggest is there’s no such thing as a dream job. There’s no shame in leaving what you thought was your dream job to put more emphasis on your own well-being and happiness. Perhaps that can be another checkmark - putting your own health and safety first. Redefining what you need. Perhaps even, learning when to let go of one dream and find another that restores much-needed balance to your life.
posted by umwhat at 3:14 AM on May 25, 2022 [2 favorites]

If you can afford it/your new job has sufficient benefits in this respect, take a medical leave of absence. It sounds like you had a more-than-average stressful past decade that you haven’t had the opportunity to process yet, so take some time to do that (ideally with assistance of a therapist, if available and affordable). And consider, as others have noted, that your field and/or specific dream job may still be structurally exploitative. So it may not be just past stuff that has you burnt out. But it sounds like the past stuff is also a big factor, and that you could really just use a rest. Even if your job were super easy and zero stress, your body would be saying “phew, okay, now that we’ve reached our goal, we can stop and lay down all that other baggage we’ve been carrying around” - like how your muscles will feel sore the day or two after exertion even if you don’t notice it at the time. You can re-evaluate the dream job after you’ve had a chance to rest and recover.
posted by eviemath at 6:35 AM on May 25, 2022 [2 favorites]

Having ADHD is super relevant and if you aren't being aided by an ADHD medication, that is step one, in my opinion. Or if you are, asking yourself if maybe a dosage increase or different med will help. The emotional issues that ADHD can exacerbate are often overlooked but are very real. It makes everything harder. Recovery, self-care, problem solving, emotional regulation, all of that is harder with ADHD. It's not a burnout cure, but something to help you be able to help yourself to heal.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 8:05 AM on May 25, 2022

Oh honey, my heart goes out to you.

Go home. Just go. Live with your parents or find an apartment with a couple roommates. Find a simple, easy job that doesn't require so much emotional labor. Defer your student loans if needed. Let yourself relax for a while. Your skills and employability in your chosen field will not disappear if you take a step back for a year or two. People do this all the time, especially these days. It's ok to take a break and take care of yourself. Those kids need someone who is fully resourced and able to give to them. You just need to give to yourself for a while so you have the resources to re-engage in a good way later on.
posted by ananci at 8:54 PM on May 25, 2022