anxiously attached & ashamed
May 22, 2022 8:24 AM Subscribe
I was dating someone for a little over a year. We broke up in February of this year because he didn’t want to keep dating after graduation. While I don’t want him back, I’m struggling with blaming myself for the break-up.
We went to the same school and started officially dating during the pandemic - so we actually didn’t physically see each other for several months after we started dating. For a number of reasons, including friendship break-ups, the general isolation of the pandemic, and self-esteem issues, I got very attached to him, craving his validation. I quickly grew aware of how unhealthy this attachment was; I could see that it made me flip out over things that just weren’t a big deal (like him making plans without me). I was obsessed with him and thought about him constantly. And at times I acted in ways that I feel ashamed of. For instance, one time, when my anxiety was triggered and I was craving closer connection to him, we got lunch, and he told me that he was planning to host a party that weekend - and I got upset because I’d been wanting to set consistent plans to hang out on the weekends after a busy week of classes, etc and it never felt like there was any time reserved for me; he would tell me that he preferred more spontaneous hangouts, rather than scheduling things or reserving time to hang out. Yet he was willing to put in time to plan a party. I realized immediately this was irrational and I apologized multiple times for snapping at him.
I actively tried to address my attachment issues; I started seeing a therapist and I tried my hardest to make new friends and broaden my community so I was less reliant on him. But I was still pretty attached to him, in a problematic way — even when I was hanging out with my friends, I was still thinking about him. Maybe that’s part of loving someone to some degree - being attached. I truly loved him - I wanted to understand him at a deep level, understand his emotional landscape, make new memories together, support him in any way I could. Regardless, even though I was trying every single day to address my attachment issues and be less obsessed and be healthier, I wasn’t able to become secure in the relationship.
We broke up in February. I’d been sensing some growing distance between us for a few months at that point: he wasn’t initiating as many dates, he wanted to prioritize hanging out with friends over hanging out with me, and generally, I didn’t feel like he wanted to keep getting to know each other better. I’d been bringing up my anxieties about our relationship post-graduation for a while; one time we talked about it and he told me that he’d learned that it was important to “hold lightly” onto relationships — like riding a motorcycle, don’t hold too tightly and don’t hold too loosely. He reassured me at the time that he still wanted to be with me and asked if we could talk about the future later. I wonder if even then, a few months before we broke up, he knew that he didn’t want to stay together.
He told me that he didn’t want to stay together after graduation, but wanted to keep dating until then because he really did like being with me. (Honestly I think he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings). He even acknowledged that he thought this might make me anxious. Though it was hard for me and I questioned this decision multiple times afterwards, I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable with that and so we broke up.
I’ve gotten to a point where I think breaking up was a good decision. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me - who doesn’t cherish and adore me. However, I’m struggling with accepting the “he doesn’t want to be with me” part. He told me when we broke up that it wasn’t because there was anything wrong with me at all, that he wanted to be single for his last semester at college (I graduated but he has one semester left), that he wasn’t sure he was in the right headspace for a serious relationship with anyone. I’m living in Boston after graduation and he told me that he wasn’t interested in living in the boston area - so there were clearly longer term compatibility issues.
He’s told me in multiple ways that he just doesn’t want to be with me, and yet, my brain keeps tormenting me and telling me that I drove him away with my anxiety. It tells me that if I had been more confident, more independent, less anxious, had more of a life of my own, then we might not have broken up. I don’t think this is true - I have the perspective to be able to recognize that we might still have broken up. I still feel ashamed of the way I behaved at times. I wasn’t a bad partner, but I feel like I wasn’t a good partner either — I feel like I was super intense and demanding and needy and obsessive. And I also don’t trust my view of my behavior because I know I’m really hard on myself.
How do I release this shame over the way I behaved?
We went to the same school and started officially dating during the pandemic - so we actually didn’t physically see each other for several months after we started dating. For a number of reasons, including friendship break-ups, the general isolation of the pandemic, and self-esteem issues, I got very attached to him, craving his validation. I quickly grew aware of how unhealthy this attachment was; I could see that it made me flip out over things that just weren’t a big deal (like him making plans without me). I was obsessed with him and thought about him constantly. And at times I acted in ways that I feel ashamed of. For instance, one time, when my anxiety was triggered and I was craving closer connection to him, we got lunch, and he told me that he was planning to host a party that weekend - and I got upset because I’d been wanting to set consistent plans to hang out on the weekends after a busy week of classes, etc and it never felt like there was any time reserved for me; he would tell me that he preferred more spontaneous hangouts, rather than scheduling things or reserving time to hang out. Yet he was willing to put in time to plan a party. I realized immediately this was irrational and I apologized multiple times for snapping at him.
I actively tried to address my attachment issues; I started seeing a therapist and I tried my hardest to make new friends and broaden my community so I was less reliant on him. But I was still pretty attached to him, in a problematic way — even when I was hanging out with my friends, I was still thinking about him. Maybe that’s part of loving someone to some degree - being attached. I truly loved him - I wanted to understand him at a deep level, understand his emotional landscape, make new memories together, support him in any way I could. Regardless, even though I was trying every single day to address my attachment issues and be less obsessed and be healthier, I wasn’t able to become secure in the relationship.
We broke up in February. I’d been sensing some growing distance between us for a few months at that point: he wasn’t initiating as many dates, he wanted to prioritize hanging out with friends over hanging out with me, and generally, I didn’t feel like he wanted to keep getting to know each other better. I’d been bringing up my anxieties about our relationship post-graduation for a while; one time we talked about it and he told me that he’d learned that it was important to “hold lightly” onto relationships — like riding a motorcycle, don’t hold too tightly and don’t hold too loosely. He reassured me at the time that he still wanted to be with me and asked if we could talk about the future later. I wonder if even then, a few months before we broke up, he knew that he didn’t want to stay together.
He told me that he didn’t want to stay together after graduation, but wanted to keep dating until then because he really did like being with me. (Honestly I think he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings). He even acknowledged that he thought this might make me anxious. Though it was hard for me and I questioned this decision multiple times afterwards, I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable with that and so we broke up.
I’ve gotten to a point where I think breaking up was a good decision. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me - who doesn’t cherish and adore me. However, I’m struggling with accepting the “he doesn’t want to be with me” part. He told me when we broke up that it wasn’t because there was anything wrong with me at all, that he wanted to be single for his last semester at college (I graduated but he has one semester left), that he wasn’t sure he was in the right headspace for a serious relationship with anyone. I’m living in Boston after graduation and he told me that he wasn’t interested in living in the boston area - so there were clearly longer term compatibility issues.
He’s told me in multiple ways that he just doesn’t want to be with me, and yet, my brain keeps tormenting me and telling me that I drove him away with my anxiety. It tells me that if I had been more confident, more independent, less anxious, had more of a life of my own, then we might not have broken up. I don’t think this is true - I have the perspective to be able to recognize that we might still have broken up. I still feel ashamed of the way I behaved at times. I wasn’t a bad partner, but I feel like I wasn’t a good partner either — I feel like I was super intense and demanding and needy and obsessive. And I also don’t trust my view of my behavior because I know I’m really hard on myself.
How do I release this shame over the way I behaved?
Best answer: Oh man I wrote this whole thing that was super long and then just lost it on my phone. People who love each other break up all the time because they’re just a bad fit. I don’t see any evidence in your question that you behaved in a shameful manner. Moreover, there are lots of us who are super intense and demanding and needy and obsessive. I am. Do you know what else I am? Fucking awesome. Consider the possibility that your ex was correct in saying that there was nothing wrong with you. Consider the possibility that you are wonderful. Not perfect, because no one is perfect. I hope you can interrogate more of this stuff with your therapist if you still have one. Break ups happen all the time. They suck. They are sad. That does not mean this one was your fault or that there’s something wrong with you.
Sometimes I set a timer for five or 10 or two minutes to feel miserable and then move on to other things. When my brain tries to drag me back into my sadness, I do my best to redirect it. Like most things that suck, you just have to take them one day at a time. Or one hour at a time. Or one minute at a time. I wish there were a shortcut. I am rooting for your recovery from the breakup blues. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:16 AM on May 22, 2022 [11 favorites]
Sometimes I set a timer for five or 10 or two minutes to feel miserable and then move on to other things. When my brain tries to drag me back into my sadness, I do my best to redirect it. Like most things that suck, you just have to take them one day at a time. Or one hour at a time. Or one minute at a time. I wish there were a shortcut. I am rooting for your recovery from the breakup blues. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:16 AM on May 22, 2022 [11 favorites]
Best answer: And I also don’t trust my view of my behavior because I know I’m really hard on myself.
With all the empathy in the word: You absolutely should not trust your own view of your behavior right now, because you are clearly in a terrible anxiety spiral about your social relationships, as shown by the almost a dozen questions you've asked about this guy and your ex-friends over the past couple of months. You are, in fact, being WAY THE HELL too hard on yourself.
College is over now and your life is going to get so much better. Please try to forget that any of these people ever existed. If you're not still in therapy, definitely get back in it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:16 AM on May 22, 2022 [24 favorites]
With all the empathy in the word: You absolutely should not trust your own view of your behavior right now, because you are clearly in a terrible anxiety spiral about your social relationships, as shown by the almost a dozen questions you've asked about this guy and your ex-friends over the past couple of months. You are, in fact, being WAY THE HELL too hard on yourself.
College is over now and your life is going to get so much better. Please try to forget that any of these people ever existed. If you're not still in therapy, definitely get back in it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:16 AM on May 22, 2022 [24 favorites]
Best answer: Hi there, cruel summer. Your question about how to release this kind of shame is such a big, complicated one. I've got a couple of decades on you, but in your questions, I recognize many familiar struggles with tough emotions and thoughts. My heart goes out to you, and I want to share some things that have helped me on my own journey to being more okay in my own body, mind, and life.
One thing I observe in this question (and in others that you've asked) is that you're really good about representing the perspectives and actions of other folks (such as your ex) with nuance. You don't vilify other people in an attempt to make yourself feel better. It's so clear that you have tremendous empathy and compassion for other folks. That is such a strength and sign of maturity.
I see a contrast with how you write about yourself though. That compassion and empathy seems diminished or absent in your self-criticism. One thing that sticks out to me is that you're still pretty new to being an adult. Like a lot of us, you have high expectations for yourself when it comes to relationships and emotional regulation. But as with so many skills, there's a learning curve for all of us as we figure out how to do well at these things as adults. We're not born knowing how to be good partners, good friends, good adult kids, or even good to ourselves. These are skills we practice and learn through trial and error. And honestly, most of us don't reach perfection at this. I certainly haven't. I just keep trying my best and trying to learn from my mistakes.
So it's worth thinking about how you can be gentler with your expectations for yourself. It's also worth keeping in mind that many of the people you're currently around are also new adults who don't have this stuff figured out either, and that is likely making them a little more clumsy (and sometimes a little more unkind) at relationships and friendships with others.
Three other concrete things that have helped me (YMMV)
Keep working at this, cruel summer. Sending you good wishes as you find the ways that work for you to be kinder to yourself.
posted by Jade Horning at 9:26 AM on May 22, 2022 [11 favorites]
One thing I observe in this question (and in others that you've asked) is that you're really good about representing the perspectives and actions of other folks (such as your ex) with nuance. You don't vilify other people in an attempt to make yourself feel better. It's so clear that you have tremendous empathy and compassion for other folks. That is such a strength and sign of maturity.
I see a contrast with how you write about yourself though. That compassion and empathy seems diminished or absent in your self-criticism. One thing that sticks out to me is that you're still pretty new to being an adult. Like a lot of us, you have high expectations for yourself when it comes to relationships and emotional regulation. But as with so many skills, there's a learning curve for all of us as we figure out how to do well at these things as adults. We're not born knowing how to be good partners, good friends, good adult kids, or even good to ourselves. These are skills we practice and learn through trial and error. And honestly, most of us don't reach perfection at this. I certainly haven't. I just keep trying my best and trying to learn from my mistakes.
So it's worth thinking about how you can be gentler with your expectations for yourself. It's also worth keeping in mind that many of the people you're currently around are also new adults who don't have this stuff figured out either, and that is likely making them a little more clumsy (and sometimes a little more unkind) at relationships and friendships with others.
Three other concrete things that have helped me (YMMV)
- Dr. Kristin Neff's self-compassion exercises, especially exercise 2, the self-compassion break.
- Figuring out activities that bring me enjoyment and doing them. The two time-tested activities for me are cleaning (to make my living environment more pleasant) and art/creative activities. Also going for slow walks to look at trees and flowers.
- Medication to treat depression/anxiety. Over time, this helped the unproductive and self-conscious thought loops in my brain get a lot quieter (although not completely silent), so I have more space to be kind to myself and enjoy life. I didn't think my struggles merited medication for a long time, but I'm glad I came around.
Keep working at this, cruel summer. Sending you good wishes as you find the ways that work for you to be kinder to yourself.
posted by Jade Horning at 9:26 AM on May 22, 2022 [11 favorites]
I think you're in an anxiety spiral and grieving and trying to process the end of your relationship. As a result, you're trying to find an explanation and latching on to yourself -- as if this is somehow your fault.
I think you're being way too hard on yourself, as showbiz_liz said.
Were you too needy and clingy? Maybe. Is that something you can work on? Sure.
But I don't think you can blame that for the end of this relationship in any event. He wasn't meeting your needs. He was blowing hot and cold. Read about sick systems and see if it feels familiar to you.
The answer might be that if you had a healthier approach to this relationship, assuming you need one, you would have ended it long ago rather than it not ending now.
He was always signaling that he wanted something casual. You didn't want to be treated so casually.
Trying to hold on loosely to someone who's being so casual when you want a closer relationship is crazy making. Don't try to do it. That's the wrong lesson to learn from this experience.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:29 AM on May 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think you're being way too hard on yourself, as showbiz_liz said.
Were you too needy and clingy? Maybe. Is that something you can work on? Sure.
But I don't think you can blame that for the end of this relationship in any event. He wasn't meeting your needs. He was blowing hot and cold. Read about sick systems and see if it feels familiar to you.
The answer might be that if you had a healthier approach to this relationship, assuming you need one, you would have ended it long ago rather than it not ending now.
He was always signaling that he wanted something casual. You didn't want to be treated so casually.
Trying to hold on loosely to someone who's being so casual when you want a closer relationship is crazy making. Don't try to do it. That's the wrong lesson to learn from this experience.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:29 AM on May 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
The problem here is not that you were anxiously attached. The problem here is that he was avoidantly attached. If you had been “cool” and “non-needy” and held lightly just like him the relationship would have fallen apart even faster. This is why avoidantly attached people mostly have relationships with anxiously attached people, because anxious people provide a ton of emotional labor and love to keep the relationship going and meet the avoidant person’s denied relationship needs.
But what about your needs? He wasn’t going to meet them. You did the right thing for yourself. You’re just going to think about him for awhile, and that’s ok. But trust me, it was his loss.
posted by shadygrove at 9:48 AM on May 22, 2022 [13 favorites]
But what about your needs? He wasn’t going to meet them. You did the right thing for yourself. You’re just going to think about him for awhile, and that’s ok. But trust me, it was his loss.
posted by shadygrove at 9:48 AM on May 22, 2022 [13 favorites]
I need to add this to my earlier comment: it's okay to want to make time to hang out with your boyfriend! It's normal! DO NOT internalize the opposite message.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:50 AM on May 22, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 9:50 AM on May 22, 2022 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I'm a relationship anarchist and thus don't believe a lot of the things that our society says are how we should behave in romantic relationships, which I feel are toxic. And I STILL don't think you messed up here. Wanting a partner to prioritize time with you and to schedule time with you is not a bad thing. It's how you are, and how a LOT of people are (maybe most?), and the fact that it wasn't your ex's thing doesn't mean that you should have tried to change yourself for him. He wasn't going to meet your needs, and I'm sorry you felt you had to be one of the "cool girls" who was fine with whatever he was willing to offer you.
So please, release your shame, and own what you want in a relationship, and don't settle for anyone who won't give you that.
posted by metasarah at 9:53 AM on May 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
So please, release your shame, and own what you want in a relationship, and don't settle for anyone who won't give you that.
posted by metasarah at 9:53 AM on May 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
I got upset because I’d been wanting to set consistent plans to hang out on the weekends after a busy week of classes...... I realized immediately this was irrational and I apologized multiple times for snapping at him.
I don't think you were being "irrational" ....Snapping at someone is not great, but it happens and your point was valid. Apologizing repeatedly was you apologizing for having needs and wants.
even though I was trying every single day to address my attachment issues and be less obsessed and be healthier, I wasn’t able to become secure in the relationship.
Drop all this psychology for a minute- --you weren't able to become secure because he wanted something causal and you did not. No harm, no foul, both of you were right to move on.
Rejection hurts! It is no fun! Your anxiety (and anxiety about having anxiety) certainly doesn't help, but you were in a mis-matched situation. It happens and might even happen again.
Keep with the therapy, and give it some time.
posted by rhonzo at 10:08 AM on May 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
I don't think you were being "irrational" ....Snapping at someone is not great, but it happens and your point was valid. Apologizing repeatedly was you apologizing for having needs and wants.
even though I was trying every single day to address my attachment issues and be less obsessed and be healthier, I wasn’t able to become secure in the relationship.
Drop all this psychology for a minute- --you weren't able to become secure because he wanted something causal and you did not. No harm, no foul, both of you were right to move on.
Rejection hurts! It is no fun! Your anxiety (and anxiety about having anxiety) certainly doesn't help, but you were in a mis-matched situation. It happens and might even happen again.
Keep with the therapy, and give it some time.
posted by rhonzo at 10:08 AM on May 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
Best answer: You fell in love with him and he was not in love with you. Oceans of poetry and song have been written and sung about this exact thing. Why be ashamed for being in such a huge and very human company?
posted by acantha at 10:11 AM on May 22, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by acantha at 10:11 AM on May 22, 2022 [14 favorites]
Best answer: You've gotten a lot of great advice here, but one thing I wanted to say as someone who struggles with similar issues is that this language of shame and self-blame often comes from an underlying desire for control. It makes you think that if only you hadn't behaved in XYZ way, you could have gotten this whole thing to work. But of course that isn't true. You will never have control over other people (and in this relationship your boyfriend was clearly as much or more responsible for the outcome as you were). You will also never have control over the millions of external circumstances that can contribute to the failure of a relationship. Not only that—you don't even have complete control of your own thoughts and behavior.
One thing I've been working on is identifying ways in which the desire for control manifests through anxiety in my life and being accepting of the reasons for that desire without necessarily doing what it wants me to do. My goal ultimately is to lose some of that desire, become more accepting of murkiness and uncertainty, and break out of the cycle of seeking reassurance and validation (which is never going to be satisfied for very long).
posted by derrinyet at 10:17 AM on May 22, 2022 [11 favorites]
One thing I've been working on is identifying ways in which the desire for control manifests through anxiety in my life and being accepting of the reasons for that desire without necessarily doing what it wants me to do. My goal ultimately is to lose some of that desire, become more accepting of murkiness and uncertainty, and break out of the cycle of seeking reassurance and validation (which is never going to be satisfied for very long).
posted by derrinyet at 10:17 AM on May 22, 2022 [11 favorites]
Best answer: If you had been able to make this work by not having needs you would have had to cut yourself down into a tiny stub of a person. You deserve someone who wants ALL of you and doesn’t need you to be smaller to be acceptable. You had a really nice relationship, and being sad that it’s over is normal. But while you are doing that grieving, also give yourself major props for being sure enough of what you need in a relationship not to settle for less. That’s awesome! Every time you think “if I had just been a different person” remember that YOU are worth being YOU. Who you are is valuable and wonderful and to be treasured. Any relationship where you feel like you need to carve pieces of yourself away to make yourself fit someone else? That’s not a relationship for you. That’s one to move on from. Which you did! Be proud ❤️
posted by Bottlecap at 11:31 AM on May 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 11:31 AM on May 22, 2022 [6 favorites]
My friends and I refer to what this guy wanted as "a cool girlfriend," someone with almost no needs or wants. Everything is always cool and fine, she never complains about only getting scraps of attention. I could only hold someone that lightly if I wasn't that into the relationship or saw them as temporary fun. You didn't do anything wrong. Good for you for recognizing some things you could work on. Relationships that don't work out can teach us important things about ourselves and others. It's okay not to want to be a cool girlfriend.
posted by *s at 11:52 AM on May 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by *s at 11:52 AM on May 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
May I self-link to a comment I wrote for a similar question a while back: "Chill is a trap". The relationship would NOT have been better if you had expressed fewer needs.
In this relationship, your anxious attachment style, coupled with this avoidant guy, meant you have been starvingly hungry for security and reassurance. You will ALWAYS be starving for those things when you're with with the wrong partner. Whether you SAY you have needs, or not, or HOW you say you have needs, actually isn't the problem. The problem is that avoidant partners who want a chill casual thing CANNOT feed you the nutrients that you need. You need stability and predictability and reassurance. You need someone who WANTS to plan consistent weekends with you, and WANTS to prioritize seeing you in their calendar.
So, you need to find someone who actually likes you enough to want to attend to your needs. When that happens, your needs will actually decrease.
Don't pretend to need less than you actually need! Just keep dating til you find someone you like who is so head-over-heels for you that they NATURALLY give you the reassurance you are craving. When that happens, your anxiety will unclench and you will feel SO much happier!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:03 PM on May 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
In this relationship, your anxious attachment style, coupled with this avoidant guy, meant you have been starvingly hungry for security and reassurance. You will ALWAYS be starving for those things when you're with with the wrong partner. Whether you SAY you have needs, or not, or HOW you say you have needs, actually isn't the problem. The problem is that avoidant partners who want a chill casual thing CANNOT feed you the nutrients that you need. You need stability and predictability and reassurance. You need someone who WANTS to plan consistent weekends with you, and WANTS to prioritize seeing you in their calendar.
So, you need to find someone who actually likes you enough to want to attend to your needs. When that happens, your needs will actually decrease.
Don't pretend to need less than you actually need! Just keep dating til you find someone you like who is so head-over-heels for you that they NATURALLY give you the reassurance you are craving. When that happens, your anxiety will unclench and you will feel SO much happier!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:03 PM on May 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: There are a lot of men out there who want all of the benefits of a relationship with none of the work. They are notoriously avoidant and will make you feel crazy for being upset when they start to pull away. It's confusing, because a lot of the time they will be kind and funny and warm and affectionate, but that's also the nature of the beast. They're good partners until they're not and that can really mess with your head.
I've loved several. It hurts and sucks and is disorienting. They make you feel crazy for having needs and expressing them. You suddenly feel like you have so much to apologize for.
But you don't, and I would challenge your assertion that you have a pathological anxious avoidance style that needs to be fixed. Wanting to feel loved and cared for is not a pathology. Your needs are not something you can talk away in therapy, nor should you. It is okay to want a partner who makes time for you consistently on the weekends. Only wanting "spontaneous" hangouts is bullshit; it is a thinly veiled way to avoid doing the work of a committed relationship and make consistent time for someone. In a lot of cases it means that the person is waiting to see if something or someone more enticing comes along, and if that doesn't happen, fine, they'll make time for you. You were right to be frustrated by that.
Loving someone is, by nature, an attachment. It is not a problem by default. It is okay to still love him and think of him often; you are young and it is fresh and that's hard. Now, if you're still obsessing about him months or years down the line, you may have an issue, but I don't think that's what's happening here and I do not at ALL think that is where you are going to end up. You're not describing an unhealthy attachment; you loved someone who was kind of shitty at times, likely because he is immature and not because he's a bad person, and now you broke up and that hurts.
You don't need to fix yourself for feeling a certain way about that or any of this. Your feelings are valid and deserve to be seen and honored instead of pathologized and pushed away. The beautiful thing is that hard things can never last forever; you can love someone so much it seems to take up your entire being, and when you break up it utterly shatters you. But life goes on and slowly your world gets bigger and bigger than that person and that heartbreak, until one day you realize you hardly think of it at all.
Be kind to yourself during the healing process. You're okay, really, and all of this will pass.
posted by Amy93 at 1:21 PM on May 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
I've loved several. It hurts and sucks and is disorienting. They make you feel crazy for having needs and expressing them. You suddenly feel like you have so much to apologize for.
But you don't, and I would challenge your assertion that you have a pathological anxious avoidance style that needs to be fixed. Wanting to feel loved and cared for is not a pathology. Your needs are not something you can talk away in therapy, nor should you. It is okay to want a partner who makes time for you consistently on the weekends. Only wanting "spontaneous" hangouts is bullshit; it is a thinly veiled way to avoid doing the work of a committed relationship and make consistent time for someone. In a lot of cases it means that the person is waiting to see if something or someone more enticing comes along, and if that doesn't happen, fine, they'll make time for you. You were right to be frustrated by that.
Loving someone is, by nature, an attachment. It is not a problem by default. It is okay to still love him and think of him often; you are young and it is fresh and that's hard. Now, if you're still obsessing about him months or years down the line, you may have an issue, but I don't think that's what's happening here and I do not at ALL think that is where you are going to end up. You're not describing an unhealthy attachment; you loved someone who was kind of shitty at times, likely because he is immature and not because he's a bad person, and now you broke up and that hurts.
You don't need to fix yourself for feeling a certain way about that or any of this. Your feelings are valid and deserve to be seen and honored instead of pathologized and pushed away. The beautiful thing is that hard things can never last forever; you can love someone so much it seems to take up your entire being, and when you break up it utterly shatters you. But life goes on and slowly your world gets bigger and bigger than that person and that heartbreak, until one day you realize you hardly think of it at all.
Be kind to yourself during the healing process. You're okay, really, and all of this will pass.
posted by Amy93 at 1:21 PM on May 22, 2022 [3 favorites]
I agree with everything said here. I'd like to add, people either want to be with you or they don't. There's no middle ground.
He didn't.
Let it go.
posted by signal at 3:26 PM on May 22, 2022
He didn't.
Let it go.
posted by signal at 3:26 PM on May 22, 2022
Best answer: I am ever more convinced that "attachment style" is one of the most toxic concepts in pop psychology and you should throw it out the window. As far as I can tell it's entirely meant to put pretty language on ignoring your own feelings and excusing the bad behavior of others.
If you have anxiety, take a break from relationships and go learn to manage it. Then in the future when you feel awful because you're not getting what you're wanting out of a relationship or job or family interaction or whatever, you can recognize it as not getting what you have decided with confidence that you want and not that you want the wrong things and if you could just want as little as possible that specific person could maybe give it to you and then you'd have good feelings. You'll stop cramming yourself into a box that is too small for you to breathe in, and go find a box that's actually right for you.
You tried to force a relationship that was never going to work because it wasn't the right match as far as values, and it's also clearly the wrong time in his life for one reason and in yours for another. That's an incredibly painful situation and it undid you. Yes, that is embarrassing. Nobody but you cares, but it's definitely going to be a sore tooth to you for a while.
You have a choice here: you can keep perseverating, which is a weird kind of comfort because it's kiiiiinda like being in the relationship still, or you can process, which is terrifying because you have some shit to get angry about - a little at you, more at him - and then learn really important lessons from.
The part you don't want to hear and probably won't believe for a few more years: assuming you're in the Western hemisphere and he is of general North American culture, your male peers are not really expecting to settle down right after college. They're taught to expect to do other things with their time (and genitals, frequently, with supermodels, in between just hanging out being geniuses with the other guys and making that first million, because this is what they're owed). You should not assume that men your age want to or are equipped yet to get married and start families, and their dating priorities are going to reflect that whether you choose to see it or not, and you will need to practice doing less assuming that this stuff isn't working out because you're doing it wrong and be a lot more critical about other people's motives. You didn't drive this guy away, he was never really there.
You could take the next two years off dating and focus entirely on coming into your own as a confident woman who values your own time, energy, and money, and you would have lost nothing but more embarrassing relationship situations. Your validation has to come from within first and primarily or you will always be so hungry for it from others that you will make poor choices.
Self-worth is not something anyone is born with, it's not one therapy session, it's not just finding the one right book to read. It's a relationship that has to be developed. Go do that. Build a support system that is anchored on yourself and tentpoled by people you are not ever going to sleep with. Build it so that your reaction to being in the wrong relationship isn't to lower your standards.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:56 PM on May 22, 2022 [10 favorites]
If you have anxiety, take a break from relationships and go learn to manage it. Then in the future when you feel awful because you're not getting what you're wanting out of a relationship or job or family interaction or whatever, you can recognize it as not getting what you have decided with confidence that you want and not that you want the wrong things and if you could just want as little as possible that specific person could maybe give it to you and then you'd have good feelings. You'll stop cramming yourself into a box that is too small for you to breathe in, and go find a box that's actually right for you.
You tried to force a relationship that was never going to work because it wasn't the right match as far as values, and it's also clearly the wrong time in his life for one reason and in yours for another. That's an incredibly painful situation and it undid you. Yes, that is embarrassing. Nobody but you cares, but it's definitely going to be a sore tooth to you for a while.
You have a choice here: you can keep perseverating, which is a weird kind of comfort because it's kiiiiinda like being in the relationship still, or you can process, which is terrifying because you have some shit to get angry about - a little at you, more at him - and then learn really important lessons from.
The part you don't want to hear and probably won't believe for a few more years: assuming you're in the Western hemisphere and he is of general North American culture, your male peers are not really expecting to settle down right after college. They're taught to expect to do other things with their time (and genitals, frequently, with supermodels, in between just hanging out being geniuses with the other guys and making that first million, because this is what they're owed). You should not assume that men your age want to or are equipped yet to get married and start families, and their dating priorities are going to reflect that whether you choose to see it or not, and you will need to practice doing less assuming that this stuff isn't working out because you're doing it wrong and be a lot more critical about other people's motives. You didn't drive this guy away, he was never really there.
You could take the next two years off dating and focus entirely on coming into your own as a confident woman who values your own time, energy, and money, and you would have lost nothing but more embarrassing relationship situations. Your validation has to come from within first and primarily or you will always be so hungry for it from others that you will make poor choices.
Self-worth is not something anyone is born with, it's not one therapy session, it's not just finding the one right book to read. It's a relationship that has to be developed. Go do that. Build a support system that is anchored on yourself and tentpoled by people you are not ever going to sleep with. Build it so that your reaction to being in the wrong relationship isn't to lower your standards.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:56 PM on May 22, 2022 [10 favorites]
Best answer: My heart goes out to you because I know this feeling. I love the self-compassion exercises that Jade Horning linked. I do the one where I talk to myself as a friend when I'm struggling, berating myself and/or stuck in a negative loop.
I'd like to add, people either want to be with you or they don't. There's no middle ground.
While this certainly can be true, I see it as a bit more nuanced. A lot of people just have too many of their own emotional issues to be able to successfully have a relationship with someone else. I used to subscribe to the he/she/they're "just not that into you" camp when I was younger but now at almost 40, I see how so many people simply lack the emotional skills for a deep connection and are unwilling or unable to try for anything more. He was into you but he sucks and can't offer you what you deserve. It may seem like "oh gosh, I'm so ashamed that I was so weak that I accepted these breadcrumbs from him" when it reality it's like "damn, this insecure man could see that I'm a feast but all the could offer me was table scraps until I finally got fed up and walked away."
Omg his motorcycle example makes me want to punch him and barf, preferably all over him. What an idiot! This is the type of thing you'll think back to one day and laugh at his sorry ass. I think of these 40something dudes who pose on dating apps with a motorcycle in their profile pic as if it makes them seem cooler and carefree. Nah!! Motorcycles are great but not when they're not props in photos or stupid relationship analogies. I doubt he'll find love any time soon as he has a lot of growing up to do. Too bad he wasn't good enough for YOU. People can say I'm being too mean and that's fine: I'm sure he's a decent human being (nah!) but probably subpar or at best simply mid. Let's hope he gets better but, as I've said, unfortunately increased age doesn't always bring increased maturity. He was shitty to you and doesn't deserve any more of your or our kindness and patience.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Like some others have said above, I don't buy into the attachment style stuff. We always want to pathologize ourselves (and/or others) when sometimes it's just another life experience. I'm so sorry that this dude was too selfish to fully cut things off even when he realized you wanted more than he could offer. I'm sorry you're mad at yourself for being hopeful and hanging out, only to realize you deserved so much better and now are stuck in a shame spiral. I have OCD so I struggle with this sort of thing even when I know the break up was for the best. Self-compassion really helps as does accepting that sometimes I get into these negativity spirals. I also happen to have PTSD so having that treated helped me stop the self-loathing that those spirals would bring up. I hope you don't experience this but, if you do, you're not alone and there's help. I think seeing a therapist -- or continuing to see one -- is a great idea because a good match can help us in all areas of our lives. You deserve to feel good about yourself and enjoy your life!
I know it sucks to hear now but the great effort and kindness you contributed to this relationship? All good practice for the right person. I know you're probably not ready to date anytime soon -- take your time, focus on rediscovering how awesome you are! That said, SO COOL that you're moving to Boston. SO MANY cute guys there and so many will be excited to date someone as kind, patient, and considerate as you. These painful feelings will pass eventually. Good things are waiting for you!
posted by smorgasbord at 4:08 PM on May 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'd like to add, people either want to be with you or they don't. There's no middle ground.
While this certainly can be true, I see it as a bit more nuanced. A lot of people just have too many of their own emotional issues to be able to successfully have a relationship with someone else. I used to subscribe to the he/she/they're "just not that into you" camp when I was younger but now at almost 40, I see how so many people simply lack the emotional skills for a deep connection and are unwilling or unable to try for anything more. He was into you but he sucks and can't offer you what you deserve. It may seem like "oh gosh, I'm so ashamed that I was so weak that I accepted these breadcrumbs from him" when it reality it's like "damn, this insecure man could see that I'm a feast but all the could offer me was table scraps until I finally got fed up and walked away."
Omg his motorcycle example makes me want to punch him and barf, preferably all over him. What an idiot! This is the type of thing you'll think back to one day and laugh at his sorry ass. I think of these 40something dudes who pose on dating apps with a motorcycle in their profile pic as if it makes them seem cooler and carefree. Nah!! Motorcycles are great but not when they're not props in photos or stupid relationship analogies. I doubt he'll find love any time soon as he has a lot of growing up to do. Too bad he wasn't good enough for YOU. People can say I'm being too mean and that's fine: I'm sure he's a decent human being (nah!) but probably subpar or at best simply mid. Let's hope he gets better but, as I've said, unfortunately increased age doesn't always bring increased maturity. He was shitty to you and doesn't deserve any more of your or our kindness and patience.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Like some others have said above, I don't buy into the attachment style stuff. We always want to pathologize ourselves (and/or others) when sometimes it's just another life experience. I'm so sorry that this dude was too selfish to fully cut things off even when he realized you wanted more than he could offer. I'm sorry you're mad at yourself for being hopeful and hanging out, only to realize you deserved so much better and now are stuck in a shame spiral. I have OCD so I struggle with this sort of thing even when I know the break up was for the best. Self-compassion really helps as does accepting that sometimes I get into these negativity spirals. I also happen to have PTSD so having that treated helped me stop the self-loathing that those spirals would bring up. I hope you don't experience this but, if you do, you're not alone and there's help. I think seeing a therapist -- or continuing to see one -- is a great idea because a good match can help us in all areas of our lives. You deserve to feel good about yourself and enjoy your life!
I know it sucks to hear now but the great effort and kindness you contributed to this relationship? All good practice for the right person. I know you're probably not ready to date anytime soon -- take your time, focus on rediscovering how awesome you are! That said, SO COOL that you're moving to Boston. SO MANY cute guys there and so many will be excited to date someone as kind, patient, and considerate as you. These painful feelings will pass eventually. Good things are waiting for you!
posted by smorgasbord at 4:08 PM on May 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
It seems to me to be just simple incompatibility. He wasn't that into you, you were into him. You wanted different things. Move on.
I know this is extremely hard, but the thing that will help is knowing that there is someone much more compatible out there, who wants to message you every waking minute and be doing things with you every spare moment.
posted by tillsbury at 2:54 PM on May 26, 2022
I know this is extremely hard, but the thing that will help is knowing that there is someone much more compatible out there, who wants to message you every waking minute and be doing things with you every spare moment.
posted by tillsbury at 2:54 PM on May 26, 2022
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- You feel like you were too needy in your relationship, and you can decide to work on this in your next relationship. Having this thought shows that you have some self awareness which will help avoid this next time
- The two of you were an okay, but not great, match. It sounds like you've mostly accepted this, and now you know more about what you need from a relationship
- You're not sure if you should trust your feelings about this because you think your anxiety might be lying to you. This one is tough, but I've gotten much better over the last few years and experience helps
- You feel confusing and painful shame about it. This is the one I might focus on now and maybe talk to a therapist about. Do you feel shame because you didn't have the "right relationship" expected by society? Or is it more that you feel like you're destined to always fail? Shame is a complex emotion so it could be a lot of things
These are just examples prompted by what you've written combined with my memories of similar problems, but I think you get the point. Instead of trying to deal with one complex mess of anxiety, address the smaller, specific issues. Good luck!posted by JZig at 9:05 AM on May 22, 2022 [5 favorites]