Post-relationship time-wasting regret
November 4, 2020 4:46 AM Subscribe
I'm feeling a lot of regret for staying in a long relationship that didn't work out, and could use some help feeling validated.
A while ago, I broke up with my college SO after almost 5 years together.
When we met, I had extremely low self-esteem and was clawing my way out of an emotionally abusive upbringing and mental health struggles. The relationship actually turned out to be really, really good; we thought we were meant for each other and that we were going to spend our whole lives together. In some ways we weren't that well matched, but it always felt like it was made up for in other ways, so I was always able to rationalize away my doubts about our long-term suitability. I also figured, hey, we're young, so may as well see if this works since it would be really nice if it did.
It's extremely silly, but the thing that's bothering me so much about it is just the sex.
I think we had a good frequency going - living in the same dorms for 1.5 years and then still managing a decent pace despite living 20-30min apart. We were also constantly doing research travel and stuff during breaks, and then we ended up in different states for grad school, and she really had no interest in anything virtual/remote, so stuff could only happen during visits. Throw in SSRIs, hormonal birth control, and general life stress. I always felt like I wanted sex more often, but I wanted to be patient because I loved my SO and figured these things would be temporary, and that it would resolve itself once we moved in together. We wanted to spend our lives together, I was committed to this person, so what did it matter if we lost our groove for a little while?
The quality also wasn't fantastic. It was always loving, sweet relationship sex, and I really did enjoy it at the time - we always used to talk about how great our sex was. But she was sometimes kind of selfish in bed, and I definitely did more for her sexually than she did for me. She was also medically/physically unable to have penetrative sex (gynecological exam => screaming pain), and I never thought much of that at the time because that's a very heteronormative conception of sex anyways, but I can't help but feel the societal narrative creeping in now: "Everyone else was having Real Adult Sex, but you weren't."
I'm out in the world now and experiencing really good, mutually satisfying sex with people who are way better suited to me than my college SO ever was. I really want to just be in the present, but for now all I can do is grieve what feels like wasted time. I don't really think I'm wired for casual sex - at least, I definitely wouldn't have been able to handle it when I was younger and totally devoid of self-confidence - but I feel inferior to my friends and acquaintances who were having lots of casual sex with lots of people. They got to enjoy social confidence and self-esteem several years earlier than I did, because they had loving and non-repressive families; I had to dig myself out of the hole before I could even start trying to catch up with them. The fact that the frequency was sometimes low/sporadic, and that the range of activities was limited, makes me feel very self-conscious - like I was sexually underselling myself all through my college years because I was too immature and childish to handle Real Sex. I know that this is irrational and unnecessary and unhelpful, but I just feel... very small. I am in therapy and on meds, but I'm really struggling with this, and I could just really really use some stories from others - if your trajectory was anything like this, and you struggled with any of these issues, please help me feel a little less alone. Thank you.
A while ago, I broke up with my college SO after almost 5 years together.
When we met, I had extremely low self-esteem and was clawing my way out of an emotionally abusive upbringing and mental health struggles. The relationship actually turned out to be really, really good; we thought we were meant for each other and that we were going to spend our whole lives together. In some ways we weren't that well matched, but it always felt like it was made up for in other ways, so I was always able to rationalize away my doubts about our long-term suitability. I also figured, hey, we're young, so may as well see if this works since it would be really nice if it did.
It's extremely silly, but the thing that's bothering me so much about it is just the sex.
I think we had a good frequency going - living in the same dorms for 1.5 years and then still managing a decent pace despite living 20-30min apart. We were also constantly doing research travel and stuff during breaks, and then we ended up in different states for grad school, and she really had no interest in anything virtual/remote, so stuff could only happen during visits. Throw in SSRIs, hormonal birth control, and general life stress. I always felt like I wanted sex more often, but I wanted to be patient because I loved my SO and figured these things would be temporary, and that it would resolve itself once we moved in together. We wanted to spend our lives together, I was committed to this person, so what did it matter if we lost our groove for a little while?
The quality also wasn't fantastic. It was always loving, sweet relationship sex, and I really did enjoy it at the time - we always used to talk about how great our sex was. But she was sometimes kind of selfish in bed, and I definitely did more for her sexually than she did for me. She was also medically/physically unable to have penetrative sex (gynecological exam => screaming pain), and I never thought much of that at the time because that's a very heteronormative conception of sex anyways, but I can't help but feel the societal narrative creeping in now: "Everyone else was having Real Adult Sex, but you weren't."
I'm out in the world now and experiencing really good, mutually satisfying sex with people who are way better suited to me than my college SO ever was. I really want to just be in the present, but for now all I can do is grieve what feels like wasted time. I don't really think I'm wired for casual sex - at least, I definitely wouldn't have been able to handle it when I was younger and totally devoid of self-confidence - but I feel inferior to my friends and acquaintances who were having lots of casual sex with lots of people. They got to enjoy social confidence and self-esteem several years earlier than I did, because they had loving and non-repressive families; I had to dig myself out of the hole before I could even start trying to catch up with them. The fact that the frequency was sometimes low/sporadic, and that the range of activities was limited, makes me feel very self-conscious - like I was sexually underselling myself all through my college years because I was too immature and childish to handle Real Sex. I know that this is irrational and unnecessary and unhelpful, but I just feel... very small. I am in therapy and on meds, but I'm really struggling with this, and I could just really really use some stories from others - if your trajectory was anything like this, and you struggled with any of these issues, please help me feel a little less alone. Thank you.
> I'm out in the world now and experiencing really good, mutually satisfying sex with people who are way better suited to me than my college SO ever was.
Just keep on saying this to yourself, and I think you'll be good. If you're in a position where your major regret is that your current awesomeness didn't start earlier in your life, then from where I'm standing that looks like an ok problem to have.
The past is gone. We can learn from it - and it sounds like you really have - but we don't need to live in it any longer. You're heading in the right direction already. Just keep going.
posted by rd45 at 5:49 AM on November 4, 2020 [8 favorites]
Just keep on saying this to yourself, and I think you'll be good. If you're in a position where your major regret is that your current awesomeness didn't start earlier in your life, then from where I'm standing that looks like an ok problem to have.
The past is gone. We can learn from it - and it sounds like you really have - but we don't need to live in it any longer. You're heading in the right direction already. Just keep going.
posted by rd45 at 5:49 AM on November 4, 2020 [8 favorites]
The "wasted time, argh" thing is real. It's really, really real. In my case, at least ten years and probably closer to twenty?
My wise friends pointed out to me that hindsight is a total jerk, and we make the best decisions we know how at the time we make them. It helped me forgive myself a bit, but I'm still not impressed with myself.
What I'd do in your shoes -- and your shoes look very, very much like my shoes -- is re-examine your beliefs about commitment. In my case, my marriage deteriorated until empty commitment was all I had to give it, and part of my part of that debacle was my commitment to commitment. If escape, breaking up, had felt like more of a possibility much, much earlier, my life would have looked much different and likely better.
I think you're well on the way to that re-examination, in fact! I hope my words help you be conscious and deliberate about it.
posted by humbug at 6:51 AM on November 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
My wise friends pointed out to me that hindsight is a total jerk, and we make the best decisions we know how at the time we make them. It helped me forgive myself a bit, but I'm still not impressed with myself.
What I'd do in your shoes -- and your shoes look very, very much like my shoes -- is re-examine your beliefs about commitment. In my case, my marriage deteriorated until empty commitment was all I had to give it, and part of my part of that debacle was my commitment to commitment. If escape, breaking up, had felt like more of a possibility much, much earlier, my life would have looked much different and likely better.
I think you're well on the way to that re-examination, in fact! I hope my words help you be conscious and deliberate about it.
posted by humbug at 6:51 AM on November 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
I don't understand how someone could consider being with another human being a waste of time. You had good times. You learned. You grew. Try to take a Marie Kondo Approach: Thank you for your Service. Regret is such a waste, and an insult to boot.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 8:40 AM on November 4, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by Dressed to Kill at 8:40 AM on November 4, 2020 [9 favorites]
Hey anonymous, I think it might be time to focus on all the things you valued about and received from that relationship: improved mental health; improved self-esteem; a healthy attachment to someone who cared about you; the knowledge that you can commit to someone and mean it; relationship resilience; knowing someone very deeply; flexibility around sex and intimacy that likely means you are a kind and giving lover; stability after a very unstable past.
These are all worth a lot. I’m guessing there is more. Sex can be super fun, and it sounds like you are really enjoying this now. I’m going to guess that your current good sex life is not in spite of, but because of, these earlier experiences.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:23 AM on November 4, 2020 [5 favorites]
These are all worth a lot. I’m guessing there is more. Sex can be super fun, and it sounds like you are really enjoying this now. I’m going to guess that your current good sex life is not in spite of, but because of, these earlier experiences.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:23 AM on November 4, 2020 [5 favorites]
Considering where you were at the beginning of the relationship, there's an alternate universe where you spent those five years alone and not having any sex at all, isn't there? Instead, you learned a lot, not least about what a satisfying sex life means to you. That doesn't sound like a waste of time at all.
posted by BungaDunga at 9:50 AM on November 4, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by BungaDunga at 9:50 AM on November 4, 2020 [3 favorites]
In the grand scheme of things, five years is honestly not a huge chunk of your life - when I read this was a “long relationship” above the fold, I was expecting a decade or two. I’m guessing it feels long to you because it’s currently a large proportion of your adult life, but I promise, it won’t always be that way.
The older you get, the more those years are going to recede into the distance and start to look like a speck on the horizon. Apart from anything else, the more your peers start finding life partners, the more they’re going to shut the hell up about those student years. I’m middle aged now, and the wildest of my twenties friends would never even dream of referring to what they got up to when we were students. They suddenly found their own form of shame about it when they had to start pretending to be serious life partners/parents/son/daughter in laws/workplace managers etc. They won’t always be as proud of that back story as they seem to be now and suddenly they’ll expect you to go along with pretending that they were always as moderate in their habits as you *actually* were.
Also bear in mind that the only people you hear talking about their sex lives are the ones who feel like they had an impressive amount of sex. The very large number of people who don’t feel that way shut the fuck up because they feel the same way you do. You’re not even an outlier, you’re just part of a less vocal but significant proportion of the population.
I also think there’s a whole heap of ageism in our culture’s assumption that when you’re young is the only time you can have good sex and if you missed that boat, it’s all over for you. You have a whole lifetime to try this stuff out and do whatever the hell you want, now that you’ve started to find out what that is.
posted by penguin pie at 1:54 PM on November 4, 2020 [5 favorites]
The older you get, the more those years are going to recede into the distance and start to look like a speck on the horizon. Apart from anything else, the more your peers start finding life partners, the more they’re going to shut the hell up about those student years. I’m middle aged now, and the wildest of my twenties friends would never even dream of referring to what they got up to when we were students. They suddenly found their own form of shame about it when they had to start pretending to be serious life partners/parents/son/daughter in laws/workplace managers etc. They won’t always be as proud of that back story as they seem to be now and suddenly they’ll expect you to go along with pretending that they were always as moderate in their habits as you *actually* were.
Also bear in mind that the only people you hear talking about their sex lives are the ones who feel like they had an impressive amount of sex. The very large number of people who don’t feel that way shut the fuck up because they feel the same way you do. You’re not even an outlier, you’re just part of a less vocal but significant proportion of the population.
I also think there’s a whole heap of ageism in our culture’s assumption that when you’re young is the only time you can have good sex and if you missed that boat, it’s all over for you. You have a whole lifetime to try this stuff out and do whatever the hell you want, now that you’ve started to find out what that is.
posted by penguin pie at 1:54 PM on November 4, 2020 [5 favorites]
Well first of all, I bet all that time having good nonpenetrative sex gave you a skill set that will serve you very, very well in years to come. I would not call that wasted time. AT ALL.
Second, penetrative sex isn't the only thing you were missing out on all those years. Other people had more money than you! Graduated from better schools! Were better looking! Also some other people came from more repressive families, had no sex at all, were dead broke, uneducated, and ugly. There will always be someone better off than you and someone worse off. Always someone down the street getting by on a dollar less. The fact is that you DID dig yourself out and are doing well now.
And finally, five years is nothing. God. How I wish I had wasted only five years.
posted by HotToddy at 4:00 PM on November 4, 2020 [4 favorites]
Second, penetrative sex isn't the only thing you were missing out on all those years. Other people had more money than you! Graduated from better schools! Were better looking! Also some other people came from more repressive families, had no sex at all, were dead broke, uneducated, and ugly. There will always be someone better off than you and someone worse off. Always someone down the street getting by on a dollar less. The fact is that you DID dig yourself out and are doing well now.
And finally, five years is nothing. God. How I wish I had wasted only five years.
posted by HotToddy at 4:00 PM on November 4, 2020 [4 favorites]
The best thing about life is that we keep learning. I've spent most of my life in monogamous relationships with men who actually weren't as great as I thought they were in the beginning (I'm middle aged now), and as I've gotten older and met other men, I'm still discovering that the sex I really enjoyed then wasn't nearly as exciting as the sex I'm having now.
Please don't worry/compare yourself to others. People love to embellish and make some things sound much more exotic/exciting/kinky than they may actually be. And you may be only hearing one side of the story: what would their sex partners have to say about their experiences? Ha ha.
You proved you can have a lasting relationship; you've proved how accommodating you can be to the special needs of your partner. And you will keep learning more and more as you go. You are in a good place!
posted by annieb at 4:57 PM on November 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
Please don't worry/compare yourself to others. People love to embellish and make some things sound much more exotic/exciting/kinky than they may actually be. And you may be only hearing one side of the story: what would their sex partners have to say about their experiences? Ha ha.
You proved you can have a lasting relationship; you've proved how accommodating you can be to the special needs of your partner. And you will keep learning more and more as you go. You are in a good place!
posted by annieb at 4:57 PM on November 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
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So you're going to be fine. I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing no more than 5 years away from typical college age. I'll be 35 in a month. You'll be fine. You don't get a trophy for sexing people (AVNs notwithstanding).
I'll add that the saddest hookup I had was with a guy who afterward said "I think that's the only time I've ever had sex sober" and he was I think 29 at the time. Keep that in mind when you're listening to your "friends" regale you will tales of their wild and dickfully satisfying college days. Does your definition of Real Adult Sex allow for someone to get to their late 20s without forming a non-substance-altered connection? I bet not.
Anyway, again, you're fine. I don't see a relationship to regret here. I see several years of experience learning what things you value in a relationship and a clear path to find new people to date. This is a positive thing.
By the way you'll feel better if you stop engaging in conversations about each other's sex lives with friends, etc. Maybe that can be something just for you and the people you have sex with, and not for wider knowledge.
posted by phunniemee at 5:26 AM on November 4, 2020 [7 favorites]