Intrusive Thoughts About Wanting to Go Through Childhood Again
April 28, 2022 12:54 PM Subscribe
For the past few months I've been very preoccupied with the dream of going back to a specific period of my childhood to restart my life and do it differently using the knowledge I have now. A lot of the wishing has to do with my appearance, who I chose to be friends with, and what I pursued during middle and high school. The degree to which I daydream about this (especially before bed) is disrupting my happiness. Can you suggest ways to process these feelings so I can live in the present again?
Yes I have regrets. Especially because I’ve grown and changed so much.
But when I think back to the person I was back then, in real terms, it’s clear I would have made the same decisions I made at the time. I can’t go back and be my nowself back then; I could only be my thenself.
So then I ask myself: what am I doing Now to live my dreams.
Some part of you might be thinking that your life would have ended up different (better) if you made these other choices, or you feel shame about who you were back then (I do too). Again, we’re all just figuring this life thing out so go easy on yourself.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:12 PM on April 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
But when I think back to the person I was back then, in real terms, it’s clear I would have made the same decisions I made at the time. I can’t go back and be my nowself back then; I could only be my thenself.
So then I ask myself: what am I doing Now to live my dreams.
Some part of you might be thinking that your life would have ended up different (better) if you made these other choices, or you feel shame about who you were back then (I do too). Again, we’re all just figuring this life thing out so go easy on yourself.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:12 PM on April 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
Very honestly - write a book of your alternative life. Do something constructive and think through the consequences very concretely about what other person you might have been. Because that life would ALSO have regrets. You wouldn’t be YOU, and there are ways that might be good but there are also plenty of ways that might be bad. Give yourself permission to explore and feel those feelings. I would do it in a structured “I write at X time for Y length every day” way so that when you have intrusive thoughts at other times you can jot a little note but also tell yourself to save it for your designated time.
posted by Bottlecap at 1:26 PM on April 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 1:26 PM on April 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
There's a great movie on this very question you might enjoy called Peggy Sue Got Married. A middle-aged woman in the middle of a messy divorce suddenly wakes up back in high school with exactly this power but things don't land how she expects, even with the knowledge and wisdom she's bringing her past self.
posted by veery at 1:26 PM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by veery at 1:26 PM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Matt Haig has written a wonderful novel about this called The Midnight Library. I can't recommend it highly enough. Hugs to you!
posted by cyndigo at 1:35 PM on April 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by cyndigo at 1:35 PM on April 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
A recent article on maladaptive daydreaming.
posted by PussKillian at 1:54 PM on April 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by PussKillian at 1:54 PM on April 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
One thing I use myself to counter feelings of having made the wrong choice is that there is *no guarantee* that going back and making what you now think is the right choice would work the way you want. These counterfactual histories are literally unknowable, but we tend to be too quick to assume that a do-over with new information would produce the outcome which we wanted then or want now.
posted by sindark at 3:12 PM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by sindark at 3:12 PM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
I do this too! I think it's perfectly natural and normal to wonder 'what if ...', especially at times when we aren't happy with our life.
I counter this by reminding myself of all the great things I have that I would never have had if I had made different choices when I was younger. I have a beautiful wife and children that I love dearly and friends etc that I'm grateful for every day. I also remind myself that, even if I could go back and start again with what I know now I'd still be the same person and make the same ratio of 'good' and 'bad' choices, so would likely end up in a different, but neither better nor worse, place. We are where we are because of millions of tiny choices that are insignificant on their own, but that lead us inexorably down a path that ends where we are now. Starting over could just as easily end up with me in a much worse place as it could end up with me in a better place.
Life is what it is and the choices you make now matter far more than hypothetical choices you may or may not make if you had the chance again.
posted by dg at 3:54 PM on April 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
I counter this by reminding myself of all the great things I have that I would never have had if I had made different choices when I was younger. I have a beautiful wife and children that I love dearly and friends etc that I'm grateful for every day. I also remind myself that, even if I could go back and start again with what I know now I'd still be the same person and make the same ratio of 'good' and 'bad' choices, so would likely end up in a different, but neither better nor worse, place. We are where we are because of millions of tiny choices that are insignificant on their own, but that lead us inexorably down a path that ends where we are now. Starting over could just as easily end up with me in a much worse place as it could end up with me in a better place.
Life is what it is and the choices you make now matter far more than hypothetical choices you may or may not make if you had the chance again.
posted by dg at 3:54 PM on April 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
I know exactly what you mean, and I went through a period of doing the same thing! For me, it was one of many signals that I needed to make some changes in my life, but also that I needed to forgive myself. I was a young person who was doing her best but who had a lot of baggage.
(I don't know if you have kids, but remembering my own awkwardness and forgiving it has been helpful in being a good parent to a kid who is going through it now.)
When you really think about your actual life that you have lived, it's full of confusion; dead ends, missed opportunities, answers that never came, situations that didn't resolve. If you could go back, you wouldn't really be able to live "your life but with no mistakes"; you would change the past, eventually you'd change it so much that you'd be right back where you are now, stumbling along blindly with the rest of us with no idea what came next. Eventually, you'd have new regrets.
The past you remember is not accurate, anyway. None of our memories of the past are that good; we leave bits out, change things, and ignore contradictions in the stories we tell ourselves. The past you are trying to "fix" did not happen exactly the way you remember, and if you could change it, might not be any better, just different.
In the end, I learned to keep reminding myself that *this* life is what I have, right now. It's the only one I get. I don't know how much more of it I have left. So the best question to ask for me was, "what do I want to do now?" And that's a lot more interesting.
posted by emjaybee at 3:59 PM on April 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
(I don't know if you have kids, but remembering my own awkwardness and forgiving it has been helpful in being a good parent to a kid who is going through it now.)
When you really think about your actual life that you have lived, it's full of confusion; dead ends, missed opportunities, answers that never came, situations that didn't resolve. If you could go back, you wouldn't really be able to live "your life but with no mistakes"; you would change the past, eventually you'd change it so much that you'd be right back where you are now, stumbling along blindly with the rest of us with no idea what came next. Eventually, you'd have new regrets.
The past you remember is not accurate, anyway. None of our memories of the past are that good; we leave bits out, change things, and ignore contradictions in the stories we tell ourselves. The past you are trying to "fix" did not happen exactly the way you remember, and if you could change it, might not be any better, just different.
In the end, I learned to keep reminding myself that *this* life is what I have, right now. It's the only one I get. I don't know how much more of it I have left. So the best question to ask for me was, "what do I want to do now?" And that's a lot more interesting.
posted by emjaybee at 3:59 PM on April 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
What else is going on right now with you, in your life? I had a pretty intense period of almost this, emerging at a point where I was beyond burned out at work, definitely all the way through menopause, in a pandemic with the last election approaching. It was a little bit maybe normal life-stage grieving but it was incredibly intrusive and for me I was just really angry about some stuff that could have been different. I ultimately realized nothing was taken from me and I am who I am/where I am as a result of far more factors than a few difficult (and certainly pivotal but not any more so than the other two dozen pivotal periods of my life) years.
Something that really stood out to me in the processing of that was that humans are actually terrrrrrible at calculating consequences or cause-and-effect. Random example: I generally assume I'm a pretty competent cook because my parents both cooked and included me in the process from a young age. But there are wildly successful food pros, awesome home cooks, friends who bring great potluck dishes etc who had far different experiences, some of them even pretty traumatic. There's no one right path to being a good cook, there's thousands. And it's probably not because of any ONE factor, but dozens combined. I have exactly the same amount of reason to draw the conclusion that I'm a good cook because my favorite color is orange and...fire is orange, or something. That feels like a good explanation!
It feels like you are disappointed in your life and have found something to blame that feels really solid, like that stuff is definitely why you're so disappointed, and time traveling to that point in time to fix it all with a few changes is definitely less daunting than doing the work to find more satisfaction in your life today. That's certainly where I was, and a significant chunk of that was depression and anxiety and stress that needed addressing + managing because I had lost all ability to enjoy anything so yeah, my life looked and felt like shit and like I had failed to succeed at some better level that was guaranteed to me if only a handful of variables were switched.
So...treat your mental health, is one thing you should do.
But you can also practice homegrown CBT starting right now, by working on how you're talking to yourself. This is so random, but I got a suggestion from a friend's therapist to just sometimes tell myself "this is nice." Like I literally say that to myself walking down the hallway coming back from the bathroom: this is nice. There's no specific subject, and it's not really commentary on the hallway or walking or gratitude for having a roof over it or a working toilet or anything. Just "this is nice." Right now, this moment? It's fine, it's good.
It's like a tiny adjustment to my brain thermostat. Instead of my kneejerk response to everything trending toward oh look, yet more shit, it's just reintroducing the possibility of nice. And after doing that for a while, I started thinking it when something actually WAS nice but not any sort of external achievement, but just like when I get cozy on the couch, when the weather is good, when I smell the lantana that flowers near my bedroom window, when I have a tasty sandwich. Now I get into bed at night and think "this is SO comfortable!" and yeah, I've done my best with the sheets and pillows and it's pretty good but really I'm just inviting myself to find myself really satisfied.
The big thing I took on after that was how I talked to myself when there was a problem. I decided to stop saying anything to myself that I wouldn't say to a coworker or friend or my partner. So I am trying really hard to say things like, "that sucked, but it's fixable" or "perhaps a different choice can be made next time" or "welp, that's a life lesson".
For the very short term, give yourself a new assignment for daydreaming as you go to sleep. Mine is to imagine the most a-ma-zing place to sleep - budget is no object, physics are fungible, safety is assured. Maybe you're in a big cozy bed attached to a hot air balloon, or floating hammock-style but hammock-less in a low-g terraforming garden, or on a train, or wherever would be incredibly comfortable and restful and you feel good and it's nice. It may take repeated redirects to not go time-traveling, but give yourself a phrase to use as a pivot, something like "let Little Me rest tonight" or "let's go somewhere else this time" or whatever rings to you as a symbol of putting that habit aside in favor of something else for now.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:06 PM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Something that really stood out to me in the processing of that was that humans are actually terrrrrrible at calculating consequences or cause-and-effect. Random example: I generally assume I'm a pretty competent cook because my parents both cooked and included me in the process from a young age. But there are wildly successful food pros, awesome home cooks, friends who bring great potluck dishes etc who had far different experiences, some of them even pretty traumatic. There's no one right path to being a good cook, there's thousands. And it's probably not because of any ONE factor, but dozens combined. I have exactly the same amount of reason to draw the conclusion that I'm a good cook because my favorite color is orange and...fire is orange, or something. That feels like a good explanation!
It feels like you are disappointed in your life and have found something to blame that feels really solid, like that stuff is definitely why you're so disappointed, and time traveling to that point in time to fix it all with a few changes is definitely less daunting than doing the work to find more satisfaction in your life today. That's certainly where I was, and a significant chunk of that was depression and anxiety and stress that needed addressing + managing because I had lost all ability to enjoy anything so yeah, my life looked and felt like shit and like I had failed to succeed at some better level that was guaranteed to me if only a handful of variables were switched.
So...treat your mental health, is one thing you should do.
But you can also practice homegrown CBT starting right now, by working on how you're talking to yourself. This is so random, but I got a suggestion from a friend's therapist to just sometimes tell myself "this is nice." Like I literally say that to myself walking down the hallway coming back from the bathroom: this is nice. There's no specific subject, and it's not really commentary on the hallway or walking or gratitude for having a roof over it or a working toilet or anything. Just "this is nice." Right now, this moment? It's fine, it's good.
It's like a tiny adjustment to my brain thermostat. Instead of my kneejerk response to everything trending toward oh look, yet more shit, it's just reintroducing the possibility of nice. And after doing that for a while, I started thinking it when something actually WAS nice but not any sort of external achievement, but just like when I get cozy on the couch, when the weather is good, when I smell the lantana that flowers near my bedroom window, when I have a tasty sandwich. Now I get into bed at night and think "this is SO comfortable!" and yeah, I've done my best with the sheets and pillows and it's pretty good but really I'm just inviting myself to find myself really satisfied.
The big thing I took on after that was how I talked to myself when there was a problem. I decided to stop saying anything to myself that I wouldn't say to a coworker or friend or my partner. So I am trying really hard to say things like, "that sucked, but it's fixable" or "perhaps a different choice can be made next time" or "welp, that's a life lesson".
For the very short term, give yourself a new assignment for daydreaming as you go to sleep. Mine is to imagine the most a-ma-zing place to sleep - budget is no object, physics are fungible, safety is assured. Maybe you're in a big cozy bed attached to a hot air balloon, or floating hammock-style but hammock-less in a low-g terraforming garden, or on a train, or wherever would be incredibly comfortable and restful and you feel good and it's nice. It may take repeated redirects to not go time-traveling, but give yourself a phrase to use as a pivot, something like "let Little Me rest tonight" or "let's go somewhere else this time" or whatever rings to you as a symbol of putting that habit aside in favor of something else for now.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:06 PM on April 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: What if the main thing I want is to rescue little me from all the bad things that are going to happen starting in a specific grade? She deserves better, and I dream of going back and making it better by helping her avoid certain people, have different interactions with Mom/Dad, etc. I regret not knowing how to protect myself and I regret placing my trust in things that ultimately robbed me of other friendships and experiences. I was not safe then.
posted by The Adventure Begins at 4:26 PM on April 28, 2022
posted by The Adventure Begins at 4:26 PM on April 28, 2022
I was greatly helped by this advice, which came from multiple self help books, counselors, teachers and other people when I was in an emotionally/physically tumultuous growing phase in my twenties. The idea is that your mind, self, soul, has many parts, some of which are at different developmental ages. Similar to the concepts of id/ego/superego, or child/adult/parent.
Your inner child, at this or that age, was let down by the adults in your life, and suffered. Most of you is an adult now, and maybe even in a parental or mentor role, or at least interacting with younger people. But there are still parts of you which are childlike, and respond to the world as a child does, at their own age. The child is valuable because they recognize novelty, playfulness, they are excited to learn, they think things are funny, all the stuff that kids do when they're happy.
And you can have conversations/interactions between these parts of you. You can suspend disbelief, and allow yourself to have vulnerability (literally, open to the possibility of feeling hurt) between the different parts of your psyche who live in different ages of your life. What this means is that, you can talk to your child self, as the supportive, understanding, righteous adult you wanted and needed to talk with back then. You can tell your child what they needed to hear. You can hug them, and listen to them as they say what they needed to say. No, it's not your fault. Yes, that was too much to bear and you should never have had to experience it. You can tell each other anything you want, and you will understand. There's no right or wrong things to say, and you don't need to worry or wait for another person.
Because it's not your adult-self or parent-self who needs the help. Very often, other people we talk to, primarily talk to you as your outer adult self, because you're XX years old, you're not a kid anymore. But it's your child-self who still needs the help. Your child-self was incapable of providing the safety and comfort at the time (because you were only a child, and it was out of your hands). But now that you are an adult, your adult self is capable of keeping your child safe. Some of this, you can do with yourself, in a way that no one else can, and it can be a real relief, to unburden yourself between your child and your adult.
In fact, now you can do things in the present world like, recognize when your child self is feeling danger, and use your adult self to acknowledge what they've noticed, and respond and protect them by dealing with it correctly - or reassure them that the danger is not as much a problem in the here and now. And this will feel like standing up for yourself, because it's one part of you standing up for the other part of you. Your child self can also help your adult self, in other ways! They can all talk with each other.
It really helped me, to be able to tell my child self, that he was correct to notice that the adults failed to help and understand him in this and that way, even though what he needed to hear was pretty obvious, so obvious that I as an adult would be able to notice it right away if I saw it in a child I just met. And it really helped me, for my child self to hear things like that from an adult.
And yes, it sort of feels like time travel, even though it's the kind of time travel where you are prevented from literally changing the past so that a paradox does not occur. It's like talking to yourself in a dream.
posted by panhopticon at 5:19 PM on April 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
Your inner child, at this or that age, was let down by the adults in your life, and suffered. Most of you is an adult now, and maybe even in a parental or mentor role, or at least interacting with younger people. But there are still parts of you which are childlike, and respond to the world as a child does, at their own age. The child is valuable because they recognize novelty, playfulness, they are excited to learn, they think things are funny, all the stuff that kids do when they're happy.
And you can have conversations/interactions between these parts of you. You can suspend disbelief, and allow yourself to have vulnerability (literally, open to the possibility of feeling hurt) between the different parts of your psyche who live in different ages of your life. What this means is that, you can talk to your child self, as the supportive, understanding, righteous adult you wanted and needed to talk with back then. You can tell your child what they needed to hear. You can hug them, and listen to them as they say what they needed to say. No, it's not your fault. Yes, that was too much to bear and you should never have had to experience it. You can tell each other anything you want, and you will understand. There's no right or wrong things to say, and you don't need to worry or wait for another person.
Because it's not your adult-self or parent-self who needs the help. Very often, other people we talk to, primarily talk to you as your outer adult self, because you're XX years old, you're not a kid anymore. But it's your child-self who still needs the help. Your child-self was incapable of providing the safety and comfort at the time (because you were only a child, and it was out of your hands). But now that you are an adult, your adult self is capable of keeping your child safe. Some of this, you can do with yourself, in a way that no one else can, and it can be a real relief, to unburden yourself between your child and your adult.
In fact, now you can do things in the present world like, recognize when your child self is feeling danger, and use your adult self to acknowledge what they've noticed, and respond and protect them by dealing with it correctly - or reassure them that the danger is not as much a problem in the here and now. And this will feel like standing up for yourself, because it's one part of you standing up for the other part of you. Your child self can also help your adult self, in other ways! They can all talk with each other.
It really helped me, to be able to tell my child self, that he was correct to notice that the adults failed to help and understand him in this and that way, even though what he needed to hear was pretty obvious, so obvious that I as an adult would be able to notice it right away if I saw it in a child I just met. And it really helped me, for my child self to hear things like that from an adult.
And yes, it sort of feels like time travel, even though it's the kind of time travel where you are prevented from literally changing the past so that a paradox does not occur. It's like talking to yourself in a dream.
posted by panhopticon at 5:19 PM on April 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
What if the main thing I want is to rescue little me from all the bad things that are going to happen starting in a specific grade?
When I consider what it would be like going back to childhood for a do-over, the thing that strikes me is how little power I had back then, and I don't think that would change if I were back there. My dad would still be an asshole, and I wouldn't have any more power to fend him off than I had at the time. My "friends" who kinda fucked me over when we got to middle school would still be the same people, and the bullies would still be bullies, and I'd still be in whatever class I was assigned to so there wouldn't be much of a chance to avoid anyone unless I was willing to isolate myself, which would probably have fucked me up in a whole different way.
I'm guessing no one would listen to little-me if I told them how terribly their stupid choices were going to play out. Some of those choices affected my life significantly badly but I wouldn't be able to do anything to fix it if no one would listen. I mean, I tried to fix it at the time and got nowhere.
Looking back, there are many things I wish I'd done differently. There's a couple of marriages I wouldn't mind not having experienced but then I wouldn't have my kid, and I probably wouldn't be happily married to my current husband. So I don't really want to fuck around with that. Even if I were willing to go down a completely different life path there are no guarantees it would turn out better. Who knows what new obstacles I'd encounter and what new crappy choices I might make, what new shitty people I would meet, the speeding bus I might be in the way of because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time?
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:40 PM on April 28, 2022
When I consider what it would be like going back to childhood for a do-over, the thing that strikes me is how little power I had back then, and I don't think that would change if I were back there. My dad would still be an asshole, and I wouldn't have any more power to fend him off than I had at the time. My "friends" who kinda fucked me over when we got to middle school would still be the same people, and the bullies would still be bullies, and I'd still be in whatever class I was assigned to so there wouldn't be much of a chance to avoid anyone unless I was willing to isolate myself, which would probably have fucked me up in a whole different way.
I'm guessing no one would listen to little-me if I told them how terribly their stupid choices were going to play out. Some of those choices affected my life significantly badly but I wouldn't be able to do anything to fix it if no one would listen. I mean, I tried to fix it at the time and got nowhere.
Looking back, there are many things I wish I'd done differently. There's a couple of marriages I wouldn't mind not having experienced but then I wouldn't have my kid, and I probably wouldn't be happily married to my current husband. So I don't really want to fuck around with that. Even if I were willing to go down a completely different life path there are no guarantees it would turn out better. Who knows what new obstacles I'd encounter and what new crappy choices I might make, what new shitty people I would meet, the speeding bus I might be in the way of because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time?
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:40 PM on April 28, 2022
I do this too, and not just about a few bad years in childhood. ALL THE YEARS, I wish I could do it all over again. I wish I could be a 3 year old who knows what a 52 year old knows. I wish I could start working and earning early. I wish I could avoid all the awkwardness of doing everything for the first time. I wish I could have been a better older sister instead of a normal child fighting for dominance and territory. There are some people I would tell to get some important medical screenings sooner than they did, and maybe I could even prevent 9/11!
And I am pretty sure I could do better. If I could wake up in my 5 year old body with my present consciousness I think things would turn out better. And actually nothing really bad happened to me! I had (and AM HAVING) a pretty great life. I just know I could do even better if I could try again.
I think some of this is just part of how humans work, we replay failures in our heads so we can learn from the experience. This is why experience is so great! And maybe some of us, like maybe me and maybe you, have a particularly pronounced capacity to do this and maybe sometimes it verges from helpful learning over into unhelpful rumination.
So when I realize I’m doing it again, I wave my hand in a dispelling kind of way and say to myself , “so moving forward!”
Sometimes I let myself examine my fantasies of what I wish I’d done for ideas about what I should be doing now and I realize I’m not all out of chances yet.
As for what to do for processing the feelings, here is what I do (with most credit to the therapist Nicole Sachs, check out her website/book/podcast/etc):
I get a spiral bound notebook, set a timer for 20 minutes, and I write about how I’m feeling. I don’t edit, I don’t plan to reread, I just write and write, as badly and clumsily as it comes. If I wish something I write the wish, if I hate somebody I write the hate. If I start crying I go with the crying. If I run out of things to write before the timer goes off I keep writing, maybe I just write about how I seem to be done and I wish I could stop. Sometimes I just start making a to do list. Sometimes more feelings come up and sometimes they don’t, but I don’t stop till the timer goes off. On extremely rare occasions I’ve still got more to write after the timer goes off so I keep writing. Mostly I do this in my car in isolated corners of large parking lots.
When I’m done I tear the pages out and I tear them up and I throw them away, usually in an anonymous trash can in the parking lot.
Then I say to myself “so, moving forward!”
Repeat as needed.
I wish you all the best The Adventure Begins. Hey great user name/post combo!
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 8:17 AM on April 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
And I am pretty sure I could do better. If I could wake up in my 5 year old body with my present consciousness I think things would turn out better. And actually nothing really bad happened to me! I had (and AM HAVING) a pretty great life. I just know I could do even better if I could try again.
I think some of this is just part of how humans work, we replay failures in our heads so we can learn from the experience. This is why experience is so great! And maybe some of us, like maybe me and maybe you, have a particularly pronounced capacity to do this and maybe sometimes it verges from helpful learning over into unhelpful rumination.
So when I realize I’m doing it again, I wave my hand in a dispelling kind of way and say to myself , “so moving forward!”
Sometimes I let myself examine my fantasies of what I wish I’d done for ideas about what I should be doing now and I realize I’m not all out of chances yet.
As for what to do for processing the feelings, here is what I do (with most credit to the therapist Nicole Sachs, check out her website/book/podcast/etc):
I get a spiral bound notebook, set a timer for 20 minutes, and I write about how I’m feeling. I don’t edit, I don’t plan to reread, I just write and write, as badly and clumsily as it comes. If I wish something I write the wish, if I hate somebody I write the hate. If I start crying I go with the crying. If I run out of things to write before the timer goes off I keep writing, maybe I just write about how I seem to be done and I wish I could stop. Sometimes I just start making a to do list. Sometimes more feelings come up and sometimes they don’t, but I don’t stop till the timer goes off. On extremely rare occasions I’ve still got more to write after the timer goes off so I keep writing. Mostly I do this in my car in isolated corners of large parking lots.
When I’m done I tear the pages out and I tear them up and I throw them away, usually in an anonymous trash can in the parking lot.
Then I say to myself “so, moving forward!”
Repeat as needed.
I wish you all the best The Adventure Begins. Hey great user name/post combo!
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 8:17 AM on April 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
About regrets, I've had a few, but then again too few to mention....
Once upon a time on the occasion of my grandmother's passing as kids are won't to do myself, my older sister, and my oldest half-sister are sitting in a hot tub a bit drunk (natch). Oldest half sister says that she never understood why my father married my mother, he was nice and smart and she was evil and stupid. I agree.... And then I vanish in a puff of logic, I wouldn't even be here.
One has to think like a timelord about changing the past even in imagination. What if I had taken that job? Poof goes all of the friends I made after, all of the things I did and enjoyed. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.
I keep my maladaptive fantasy (arggg, there was a FPP about maladaptive fantasies) rooted in the "not likely to change anything" and "only know what I knew then" sort of spirit. What if I had had a girlfriend that last summer? I'd still have gone off to university, she'd still have gone off, but it would have been a nice memory and things would probably still have worked out the same.
Don't try to mess with the timeline much. Don't have you're grown up knowledge back then. Start and keep things a bit more minor. If you go further.... you wouldn't be the you that went back in time because they would never have existed.
Dial it down to the little things that wouldn't make much of a difference except leaving you with a better memory. You don't want to erase all of the good things that have happened since then.
posted by zengargoyle at 11:03 AM on April 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
Once upon a time on the occasion of my grandmother's passing as kids are won't to do myself, my older sister, and my oldest half-sister are sitting in a hot tub a bit drunk (natch). Oldest half sister says that she never understood why my father married my mother, he was nice and smart and she was evil and stupid. I agree.... And then I vanish in a puff of logic, I wouldn't even be here.
One has to think like a timelord about changing the past even in imagination. What if I had taken that job? Poof goes all of the friends I made after, all of the things I did and enjoyed. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.
I keep my maladaptive fantasy (arggg, there was a FPP about maladaptive fantasies) rooted in the "not likely to change anything" and "only know what I knew then" sort of spirit. What if I had had a girlfriend that last summer? I'd still have gone off to university, she'd still have gone off, but it would have been a nice memory and things would probably still have worked out the same.
Don't try to mess with the timeline much. Don't have you're grown up knowledge back then. Start and keep things a bit more minor. If you go further.... you wouldn't be the you that went back in time because they would never have existed.
Dial it down to the little things that wouldn't make much of a difference except leaving you with a better memory. You don't want to erase all of the good things that have happened since then.
posted by zengargoyle at 11:03 AM on April 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
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And then, since you're now an adult, you can decide to feel the way you want to feel and interact with people they way you want to interact with them. I can't believe I was as old as I was before I realized this. So, the previous experience doesn't need to leave its impact on you - you can decide it doesn't and move on.
How to decide that? Repeatedly tell yourself that every time a negative thought comes up. Then think kind thoughts toward Younger You - again, they were doing their best!
posted by banjonaut at 1:02 PM on April 28, 2022 [5 favorites]