How to deal with dissociation?

April 28, 2022 11:46 AM

As per my previous posts, I do have a childhood/young adulthood history of physical, emotional & financial abuse in the family so I'm aware that I am a bit traumatised, I've got anxiety and depression as a result. I wanted to get any thoughts from you all or if you could share your experiences around dissociating as I want to get a sense if anyone can relate to what I'm describing?

Part of this avenue of thinking has been triggered my boyfriend mentioning (aa ages ago) that his ex was "the most present person he's ever met", so much so that he told me that he even directly asked her what it was like to be that way as he was so impressed and she responded that she didn't know any different, that's how she had always been. Sorry for those of you who are probably sick of me talking about the boyfriend & ex, I can't help but put in an ex reference here as she is kind of defining my life at the moment and this conversation has made me think in more depth about my own way of being. This post isn't about them anyway.

I was trying to think about what that would actually be like to experience in a person as I don't think I've met anyone like that. I mulled over things and my own experiences and have fully realised, with a sense of disturbance, how my entire twenties was basically lived in a dissociative fugue (7 years of it on antidepressants- I'm 33 now).

I never framed it this way before, I never understood that I am almost never present. I would always just say "I'm anxious" or "I'm depressed", but what is really happening is that I'm unable to exist in the present and that this is at the root of almost all my problems; academic failure, career failure, shopping addiction, resulting debt, addiction to ruminating about the past, inability to take action.

I am always either thinking about the past or daydreaming about something; a scene I watched in a film or tv series. I'll play out the scene again and again, I'll hear the music and dialogue and feel the rush of emotion. I do this alot. I don't know when it started.

I can't bear to just "be".

At work, I can barely stand to do any work I just start watching endless nonsense YouTube clips; in every meeting all I can think about is how much I want it to end and I'll just disappear into a YouTube rabbit hole afterwards; even when the meeting isn't that bad. This is a legacy from my young adulthood when I spent most of my life on the computer, unable to face life. Driving lessons terrified me, after each lesson I'd rush home and suck at the teat of Youtube and escape the uncomfortable emotions. Childhood was spent getting lost in reading books (we weren't allowed a TV or radio).

To be honest, I think even obsessing about the ex is another way for me to escape the present, despite making lots of effort to be more like her, ironically!

I realised also that my head is very foggy and I don't think straight, I also think very slowly. To me, it feels like other people are thinking, planning and talking at lightning speed; I'm immensely slow and ponderous in comparison. I don't think it's entirely for lack of intelligence; the thing is I think I've always been like this ever since I was extremely young so I do wonder if this is just my personality? I used to be considered the "slow" one out of my sisters, though at the same time I was considered academically smart. They thought I was slow and lazy, which I was.

They went through the same traumas but have not turned out this way which at least partially makes me think this is a personality thing.

I feel like other "normal" people, even people who are depressives or anxious are thinking a bit about their present, like even things as basic as what they'll eat for lunch/dinner or planning something for the weekend or whatever. I'm not even that depressed, but I can't seem to plan for anything or think into the future. I'm so confused.

Anyway, I'm finding it hard to explain but suffice to say I'm almost always "not there" and as a consequence I've not been really efficiacious as a person and *alive*. It's quite upsetting to realise actually, that I've been stagnating mentally for so long.

I'm not even sure what I am experiencing and what it means; all I know is that I have finally fully realised that I'm exhibiting a low functioning mode of being that is quite different from lots of other people - whether it's depression, dissociation, ADHD, CPTSD, I don't know.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm making much sense but can anyone relate at all to what I'm saying here?

posted by Sunflower88 to Health & Fitness (11 answers total)

Yes, I know what you are talking about and you describe it very well. If you can use this as a jumping-off point for getting help, your ex’s offhand and somewhat callous comment might end up being the best thing that ever happened to you. It’s not necessarily something to can solve on your own—you will likely need the help of a qualified therapist, but the book “Coping With Trauma-Related Dissociation” and the exercises in it are a very good start. Although it’s pricy, an Apollo device (which i read about on here) was also game changing for me. Apologies for the lack of links—I’m on my phone. Good luck!
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 11:58 AM on April 28, 2022 [4 favorites]

Seconding Merricat's sentiment. Given your post history (including the deleted ones), it seems like you have less a specific question and are more seeking a forum to get these thoughts off of your chest. A therapist will be able to help you with this. You might also look into some mindfulness exercises. Good luck to you.
posted by mezzanayne at 12:33 PM on April 28, 2022 [8 favorites]

Dear Sunflower88- you are coming here to seek the kind of connection and communication that a therapist is able to give you. We cannot see you as a whole person and help you heal holistically, we internet strangers, as much as we'd love to be able to. Please prioritise finding a therapist with whom you can develop a wonderful healing relationship which you deserve. You are so ready to do the work, but posting on AskMe can't be the right way to do it. There are ways to make therapy happen, even though it's hard, and breaking past your barrier on getting individual therapy may be a really important step. As always, all the best to you.

I can recommend Core Process Psychotherapy as a therapeutic framework that has helped me a lot with similar issues to what you're describing.
posted by Balthamos at 12:42 PM on April 28, 2022 [14 favorites]

Internal family systems therapy.
posted by erattacorrige at 2:06 PM on April 28, 2022 [5 favorites]

Presence is a skill like any other; just sit with yourself quietly for five minutes and build from there. And yes like any addict your body will be burning for a distraction and just notice it and don’t judge it or think too much about it other than “huh, interesting.”
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:59 PM on April 28, 2022 [3 favorites]

I think your ex was lying about his ex. I read his description of her in one of your previous Asks and she doesn’t sound remotely real. She sounds like a list of imaginary traits made up by someone who enjoyed hurting your feelings. I hope you can see it’s very unlikely that anyone could be so amazing - and if she WAS so amazing - and if you’re so bad - then how did he date you both? Much more likely that she was a normal person with strengths and flaws just like anyone.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:29 PM on April 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

I haven’t read your previous posts, and I believe what you have to say about yourself. But I also want to say that I have experienced a lot of men who are fixated on women who can be super present, by which they mean “hyper focused on me.” It’s something that I take as a little yellow flag when I hear it because I’m like … is that present FOR you and not present with myself?
posted by Bottlecap at 10:48 PM on April 28, 2022 [2 favorites]

It’s actually pretty simple (although not always easy) to learn to be present, but it is something that takes some time every day. As mentioned above it’s just a skill that needs practice.

See this page on meditation, particularly the subsection "How To Meditate".

One of the skills this practice will help you with is gently encouraging your brain not to wander off all the time.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:56 PM on April 28, 2022

It sounds like dissociation. It's great insight that focusing on your ex is a form of it.

Just a warning - meditation can be good for people prone to dissociation but it can also not be good and result in more dissociation (my husband practices and teaches meditation but I don't do it.)

There are two angles that you can come at this from, and usually both is good.

The first is to build a therapeutic relationship where you can examine the link between the present and the past. In some forms of therapy the emphasis is on the past and in some it's on the present but it's really kind of the same process. It's learning to see how past trauma interacts with your assumptions, habits, patterns, etc.

The second is kind of grounding techniques. Some simple ones can be:

- pick an activity, for me it would preferably be with movement, and just experiment with that one thing to be fully present as long as you can. Could be a dance class, could be a walk. Could be eating toast.

- One simple grounding technique is the 5 senses technique. Name 1-5 things you are seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting. Another is to feel your feet, really wriggle your toes. Extend the time out.

- Journal - both your thoughts and feelings and just "what I did this day." Nothing super fancy - could just be a few notes. It really helps.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:06 AM on April 29, 2022 [2 favorites]

I don't have experience with dissociation so can't comment on that. I note that nouvelle-personne referred to your bf as "your ex." Just like you note that we must be tired of hearing you talk about your bf and the ex, you must be tired of us saying ditch the ex, lol (though no one has said it on this post) and get an individual therapist.

Anyway, I think you ARE making strides. I don't think anyone will tell you STOP posting here (unless you did like a post everyday for a week or something), but it's possible that you would get a lot more out of posting here if you were also seeing a therapist. I agree with mezzanayne - you're seeking a forum, but I think you're also looking for community.
posted by foxjacket at 6:27 PM on April 29, 2022 [1 favorite]

Oh Christ he’s still your boyfriend? Must be wishful thinking on my part. He sounds like a power hungry person who enjoys having a nervous partner so he can psychologically torture you in subtle ways. Please exit on this guy! I have never had any partner rhapsodize about their ex and if they tried it, I’d be gone: if the ex is so great, maybe he should just reunite with her instead of getting misty about it with you.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:34 PM on April 29, 2022 [2 favorites]